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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,080
You know how you're a bit...
BLOWS RASPBERRY
..down there? Pardon?
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,840
I'll shag Donna!
3
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,800
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, your business is
going down, Janet Keogh. Ha!
4
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,600
Steve Shaw, health and safety.
5
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:21,080
Can you give me one good reason why
I shouldn't shut this place down?
6
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:34,360
with bubbles in it
7
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:40,840
handle anything stronger now
8
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:57,240
Bill, bill, bill...
9
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,080
Oooh!
10
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:04,480
Oxfam have sent me another
new pen! Aw, you guys!
11
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,200
I can't believe Gaz hurt my finger.
12
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,720
Your fight with Gaz
didn't leave a mark on you.
13
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,960
You're just wearing that so you can
play Ku Klux Finger Mice.
14
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,160
Gaz did hurt me when we fought!
15
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:20,000
I have bruising, swelling,
chafing, nostalgia...
16
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,280
and melancholy.
17
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,800
Melancholy?
18
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,360
Well, I miss the
cheeky scamp, don't I?
19
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:31,040
I miss our little chats, our boyish
pranks, the way he smells.
20
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:32,880
Pardon?
21
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:36,960
The heady aroma of pine cones and
grease, like a deep-fried squirrel.
22
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,720
Then make it up to him.
I'm always the one
23
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,520
who has to say sorry, even when
something's patently his fault.
24
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:49,160
All he has to do is penetrate
me with his deep soulful
stare and I'm a goner.
25
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:53,560
Yeah, you sound like you might
want him to penetrate you
with something else, Jonny.
26
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,680
What are you implying?
27
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,440
It's just something I've
noticed recently. You have...
28
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,080
a touch of the Ainsleys.
29
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:03,280
How dare you?!
30
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:06,720
I've never been so insulted
in all my life! You devil!
31
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,760
Nothing wrong with a feminine side.
32
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,560
Good. It's not so much a feminine
side as a cock-munching side.
33
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,400
Oh!
34
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,160
Oh!
35
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,840
I cannot believe my own wife
thinks I lean in that direction.
36
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,680
Did I not, only this morning,
ask you, during sexual intercourse,
37
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,440
to stick your female finger
up my...? Oh, my God!
38
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,280
I don't think you're gay, obviously.
39
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,400
You could try being a bit less...
40
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:39,240
What's a boy to do?
41
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,360
A bit less that!
42
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:46,760
You're right. From now on it's got
to be butchness and masculinity
all the way.
43
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:50,000
I may even join the British Navy.
Good.
44
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,200
"Pleased to meet you!
I like breasts and vaginas.
45
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,120
"They're smashing."
46
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,040
Oh, my God! Bit turned on, are we?
47
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,920
No! This is a letter
from the brewery.
48
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,360
Says the Archer's gonna
be closed on the 16th.
49
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,360
That's today. I'll be out of a job!
50
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:14,280
Look, I don't need this! I'm at a
very important stage of my career.
51
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,480
Signing on is very important!
52
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,080
I can't be Dion's mum.
There's no way, Dad.
53
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:23,040
Is that your dad?!
Give it here. Mr Henshaw!
54
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,840
Get off!
55
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,600
Yeah, that's my boyfriend.
56
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,640
You're not bothered about me,
why you asking about who I'm with?
57
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,480
You could've said that many times
over the past 24 years.
58
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,720
You didn't even come to Mum's
funeral. Why should I help you?
59
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,000
Donna, let me sort this out.
Thank you.
60
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,520
Well, hello! How are you?!
61
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,280
Give me the phone.
Get... Get... Get off!
62
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,320
Yeah, she can be a
little madam, can't she?
63
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,120
Anyway, what can we do for you?
64
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,960
Yeah, course. That'll be a pleasure.
65
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,000
OK. Can I call you Dad?
66
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,600
OK, Mr Henshaw, it is. See ya.
67
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:11,800
What did you do?
What? I only said we'd look after
your baby brother for a few days.
68
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,840
You should take care
of family, Donna.
69
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,600
He's not a baby. He's 16.
70
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,400
He's a nightmare.
71
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,400
I know more about being a
16-year-old boy than you.
72
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,080
I'd best dig out my Dungeons &
Dragons and get some Panda Pop.
73
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,680
You'd be better off
with porn and lager.
74
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,400
Yes, I would. Ooh!
75
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,880
Think, Kelly, think!
76
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,960
Mmmm.
77
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,880
Mmmm.
78
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,040
Mmmmm.
79
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,440
Mmmmmm.
80
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:48,960
Hmmmm.
81
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,560
What we thinking about?
82
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,400
The brewery are gonna close this
place down. We have to save the pub!
83
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,000
I've got it! What?
84
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,760
Nude female wrestling,
every weeknight.
85
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,080
How's that supposed
to save the Archer?
86
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,960
Who cares about saving the Archer?
I just fancy ya!
87
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,880
Oh, God, how could
they close this place?
88
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,560
So many memories.
89
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,120
There's a little piece of
all of us in this place.
90
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,480
I lost a toenail in the pool room.
91
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:28,000
Why don't we take someone hostage
and demand that they
keep the pub open.
92
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,320
Arthur likes being tied up.
93
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,840
Yes!
94
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,760
We need a hostage. Brilliant!
95
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,360
Ciao.
96
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,720
God, I've had such a morning!
97
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,880
Throwing up, tender
breasts, weird cravings.
98
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:44,400
I think I'm coming
down with something.
99
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,080
Mmm... Baby-ticulitis?
100
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,840
Kiddie-burculosis?
101
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,840
Stupid pregnant knob-phelia?
102
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,960
Don't blind me with medical jargon.
103
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:04,320
What are you staring at?
All the cool kids are eating coal
these days.
104
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,760
Louise, I think you might
be pregnant.
105
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,000
But I've not slept with anyone!
106
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:16,600
Not since my alcoholism. Who was it?
107
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:17,640
Oh, Arthur!
108
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:21,600
You've not been a naughty boy,
have ya?
109
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,720
It wasn't that skanky old meth-head!
110
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:30,320
All I can remember is he had a
particular way of touching my bosom.
111
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,960
Oh, right. Like this?
112
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,320
HONK!
113
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,760
No. Like this?
Tiddlle-iddle-iddle-iddle-ee!
114
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,480
No!
115
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,000
Then how about...?
Right, Kelly! You're my hostage!
116
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:48,040
You're not leaving my grasp
until my demands are met!
117
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,200
Nice one! I'll get me shackles...
118
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,840
Nying, nyiiing, nyiiiing... YAY!!
119
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,640
Look what I got for
your brother! Eh?
120
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,560
Gaz, he's 16!
121
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,640
He's evil! He set fire to my gran!
122
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,120
Wheelie!!
123
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,280
He's gonna love this bike,
in't he? Eh?
124
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,640
Not as much as you seem to.
125
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,760
Look, I have to tell you,
there's a reason why I have
little to do with my family.
126
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,640
You don't want to admit the
affection you have for them
127
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:27,320
and hide the pain of not connecting
with them with a hostile veneer.
128
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:29,240
No, because they're all bastards.
129
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,320
DOOR BANGS
That'll be him.
130
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,240
Yo, wassup, blood?
131
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,360
Dion, welcome! Give us a hug.
132
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,880
Suck my fat hairy cock!
133
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:53,600
Any minute now they'll phone,
bowing to my demands! W-ha-ha-ha!
134
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,120
W-ha-ha-ha!
135
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,480
Now, are those shackles too tight?
136
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,520
Are they hurting you? Mmm.
137
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,240
I'm sorry. No, put that back in!
138
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:12,520
It was cutting the oxygen off,
thus making my orgasms
longer and more fulfilling.
139
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,640
You're having an orgasm?
140
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,520
No! Course not.
141
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,280
NOW I am.
142
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,280
Nothing seems to be happening.
143
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,760
Try threatening me,
like they do in the films.
144
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,520
Ooh, right!
145
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:32,520
Kelly! I'll blinking well have
your guts for garters, so I will.
146
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,920
You big...silly!
147
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,320
That's not threatening. Do this...
148
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:44,560
If the Archer doesn't stay open,
I'm gonna smoke this bitch
149
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,800
and turn the gun on every
goddamn last ONE OF YOU!!
150
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,800
Don't shout at me!
151
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,120
In American!
152
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,720
What did the brewery say?
I've not heard anything.
153
00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,640
They're playing swingball.
154
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:03,080
Hard. It's "hardball", Janet.
155
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:07,320
No, I find it quite easy.
It's on a string.
156
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,720
What happened when you phoned them?
157
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,000
Were they frightened? Terrorised?
158
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,280
Quivering like a threatened virgin?
159
00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,760
Oh, God, there's another orgasm.
160
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,320
When I phoned them?
161
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,360
Well, they...
162
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,320
I've just got to make a quick call.
163
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,800
Why do I have a compulsion to
polish this pepper mill every day?
164
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,440
Jonny! I need your help.
165
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,600
You have to do something
for me first.
166
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,040
Anything! Anything for you! Really?!
167
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,720
No, you tit!
168
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,760
Don't you people get me?
169
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,480
Look, just show me a bit
of leg, or a bit of breast, or...
170
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,120
Just get your minge out,
see what happens.
171
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,760
Why? To see if I'm attracted to you.
172
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,840
Jonny. All men find me attractive.
173
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:12,360
That's how I got in this
mess to begin with. What mess?
174
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,760
I'm pregnant.
175
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,800
With one of those. Oooooooh!
176
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,040
I mean, whose is it?
177
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,880
Mine, of course!
178
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,040
I just don't know who the father is.
179
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,200
The spawn was conceived
during my alcoholism.
180
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:38,760
All I can remember is that
he had a particular way of
manipulating my mammaries.
181
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,600
I was thinking it might be you.
182
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,480
So, you know, grab away.
183
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:50,800
Well, that would prove I wasn't gay,
but Janet would tear
off my Jonnyhood.
184
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,080
I won't tell anyone.
Look, I can't, Louise.
185
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,640
Janet would kill me!
186
00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,240
No, definitely not you.
187
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,440
Good God, man, cut your nails!
188
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,600
It's like being groped by an eagle!
189
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:08,240
But I don't feel anything sexual at
all! Except a big pair of breasts.
190
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:14,320
Thanks! Well, if you don't
find me attractive, you must be
what I've always thought you were.
191
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,960
Yes, I am!
192
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,880
I'm turning into...
193
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,840
a gay!
194
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:26,560
No, I was going to say a dickhead,
but...gay's better -
we can go shopping.
195
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,920
Go on.
196
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:39,400
What do we do with him?
Does he need changing now?
197
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,360
There's just no use trying.
198
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:46,800
I hate family. And we hate you!
F'shizzle my nizzle.
199
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,120
You do know you're not black?
200
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:54,760
I'm black on the inside, bi-i-tch!
201
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,400
This was a stupid idea, Gaz.
202
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,720
He's just a little boy who
needs guidance.
203
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,480
D'you mind not spitting on me floor?
204
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,720
Yeah, no problem.
205
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,480
OK.
206
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,720
I'm not entering into these
childish games with you. I'm 27.
207
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,640
Yeah, you are. Yes, I know I am.
208
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,160
So? I know you are.
I know I am. So? I know you are.
209
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,000
I know I am. I know you are.
I know I am.
210
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,960
So? I know you are. I know I am.
So? For God SAKES!!
211
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,760
Just don't bother with him.
I never have done.
212
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,800
What's this?
213
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,760
Ah, you might be interested in that.
Read it and see.
214
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,320
"World's Best Mechanic"?!
215
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,640
Oh, my God.
Should say "World's Biggest Cock"!
216
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,000
Actually it should,
but I'm not one to boast! Eh!
217
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,400
You want me tell you what
I think of your trophy?
218
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:50,480
Am I being optimistic in
thinking you're impressed?
219
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,840
I'll show you. Oi!
220
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,720
You little...!
221
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:58,200
Don't touch me! I'll call the pigs.
I'm not scared of the pigs.
222
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,880
Just don't call the
sheep, all right?
223
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,160
What you gonna do? Hit me?
224
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:13,080
No. No, because, you're
a shitehouse, a gaylord,
and cos you've got no balls.
225
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,520
Oi. OI! He's got balls.
226
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,080
They just don't work.
227
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:24,200
You're even worse than him!
Oi, hold on. That's your sister!
228
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:29,520
She's a frigging traitor.
She took her money and run, and we
ain't seen her since. I hate her.
229
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,560
She's a stupid...
Oi, you little bastard!
No wonder no-one wants you!
230
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,800
I can't believe the brewery paid no
attention to you being my hostage.
231
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,400
Why can't you be like Shergar?
232
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:51,280
I am! I've worn a saddle and
been ridden by a tiny little man.
233
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:57,440
Come on, we have to think of
something completely foolproof to
save the pub. Think.
234
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,240
Mmmm.
235
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,320
Mmmm.
236
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,840
Mmmm.
237
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,600
Mmmm?
238
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,200
Hmmmm. Oh!
239
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,720
Yes? Nothing, just another orgasm.
240
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,400
Janet!
241
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,440
Cure me with your mighty bosom!
242
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,560
What? I'm on the turn!
I'm becoming a gay!
243
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,080
Watch this!
244
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,120
Jonny, you're not gay! And don't
you think that's homophobic?
245
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,040
Don't you insult my people!
246
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,840
Jonny, I don't think you're gay.
247
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,760
How can you be sure? I'll be
back in two minutes with proof.
248
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,440
And a dildo with a camera on,
just in case I'm wrong.
249
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:43,000
Jonny, can you think of a way of
stopping the brewery closing the
pub?
250
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:50,360
Well, Janet, my people like to use
a little thing we call "blackmail".
251
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,240
And what do other people call it?
252
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,280
Blackmail.
253
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:58,200
Look, focus. We need to get some
dirt on the head of the brewery.
254
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:02,320
I've only met him once over a cup
of tea. He was really nice actually.
255
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,320
He said he liked my top.
256
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,520
A cross-dresser!
257
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:08,240
What else?
258
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,080
Well, he had quite a big nose.
259
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,280
All the better to
hoover up his cocaine!
260
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,720
Fine. I'll make the call.
261
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,000
Oh, disguise your voice.
So he don't recognise it.
262
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000
Oh, OK.
263
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,440
"Well, helloooo!"
264
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,640
How's that? Brilliant! And tell him
we know he doesn't do any work
265
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,080
and he sits around all day
watching porn on the internet.
266
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:34,760
Jonny, he's head of a brewery -
I don't think he has time to look
at porn. Janet, he's a man.
267
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,720
Believe me, he makes time.
268
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:39,200
Shh! It's ringing.
269
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,480
Well, hellooooo!
270
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,240
I'm a blackmailer.
271
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,800
And I am blackmailing you.
272
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:50,080
Now, stop looking at that
internet porn and listen up.
273
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,800
Yes, yes, actually we can see you!
274
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,360
Jimmy.
275
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,400
Right, Jonny, here's your test.
276
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,080
What, Arthur?
277
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,840
No-one can resist a bit of Arthur.
278
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,880
Right, kiss him!
279
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,240
If you feel anything, Arthur's
erection not included, you're gay.
280
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,000
If not you're straight.
281
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,120
He's not really my type.
282
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,080
Kiss him!
It's the only way you'll know.
283
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,200
Well, in for a penny,
in for a pound.
284
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,800
That was quite nice -
he smells of urine!
285
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,200
Call that a kiss?
286
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,680
I'm a bit shy.
It's my first gay experience.
287
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,200
Just do it!
288
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,600
I can't! I can't!
289
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,160
I'll call you back.
290
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:18,920
Donna...! Oh, God, it's you.
Don't "Oh, God, it's you" me!
291
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,680
Not after you've hurled a big
blob of chav up my classiness.
292
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,280
What are you talking about?
293
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,920
You are the father of my baby.
294
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,040
You're pregnant?
Well, it's not mine.
295
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,000
It must be yours.
296
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:34,560
I've never shagged you!
297
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,800
So you're saying it's the immaculate
conception. I'm carrying
the son of God?
298
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,000
It's not an immaculate conception.
299
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000
So you admit it's yours!
300
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,320
No! Well, there's only one way
we can find out if it was you
who got fruity on my booty.
301
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,560
You're going to have
to touch my bosom.
302
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,120
All right!
303
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:59,080
The only thing I can remember
about my lover was the particular
way he touched my bosom.
304
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,400
Come on, what are we waiting for?
305
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,040
I can't do it to Donna.
I just can't.
306
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,000
She's like family to me.
307
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,800
No, not you.
308
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,640
I've got it! We'll have a siege!
309
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:15,960
A siege? Yes, a bunch of us will
stay in the pub and we won't
leave till we get what we want.
310
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,800
Janet, that's a lock-in!
311
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,240
No, because I'll say,
"This is a siege!"
312
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,680
Oh, my good God.
313
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,120
What?
314
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:47,440
You! You look like
someone from that London!
315
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,800
I'm embracing my sexuality, Janet.
316
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:55,080
As a gay man I'd ask you not
to judge my lifestyle choices.
317
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:59,880
For the last time, Jonny, you're not
gay! You're just slightly
effeminate.
318
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,800
But I must be!
319
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:05,560
I can't stop thinking about Gaz and
how much I hurt him when we fought.
320
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,360
That's just guilt!
You don't fancy him.
321
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,200
But I really miss him.
322
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,520
I really want to see him, talk to
him, have a drink with him and...
323
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,840
Kiss his willy? No!
Because you're not gay!
324
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,760
But... Jonny, have you ever had
any sort of attraction towards a
man?
325
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,840
That's what I'm saying!
I'm attracted to Gaz.
326
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,520
I want to have a pint and a
chat with him. Those are all
the symptoms of being gay.
327
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,080
Plus, he's a good-looking bloke.
328
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,920
That's just friendship. You love
him, because he's your friend.
329
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:37,440
And anyone can see he's
good-looking.
330
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,800
Actually he's much better naked...
331
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,640
Oh. Sorry.
332
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,600
So, er...
333
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,240
what do I do?
334
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:52,560
Well, you go home, get out of those
ridiculous clothes, then you go
and make it up to your friend Gaz.
335
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,120
Get him down here for a pint.
336
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,400
In fact, round up as
many people as you can.
337
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,280
We're going to go under siege like
that film on the ship - Titanic.
338
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:10,600
Donna. How's Dion?
I had to spend an hour cuddling him.
339
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,880
Cuddling?! Ooh!
340
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,800
He's frightened, Gaz.
He wouldn't stop crying.
341
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,920
He's frightened of me?
342
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,800
God, I feel dreadful.
343
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,800
I left him in the park
to kick some pigeons.
344
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,920
I can't believe you
upset my brother.
345
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,640
He's family, Gaz.
346
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,120
Family! D'you know what that means?
347
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,720
Yeah, I do. I didn't think you did!
348
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,360
Well, I don't.
349
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:37,080
I hate family. Family are bastards.
350
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:41,480
Why did you go running after him
when you thought he was hurt?
I don't know!
351
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,680
We talked a bit...
352
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:48,160
about Mum. About all the funny
little things she used to do,
353
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,960
like putting speed in her tea
instead of sugar.
354
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:57,520
Or forgetting our names,
or the fact that we existed,
355
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,720
or needed food.
356
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,800
Yeah. How she used to say,
"You don't need family!
357
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,120
"Family are bastards."
358
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,040
Oh, shit.
359
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,440
Yep, you are very like her.
360
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,040
I've been such a dick.
I want to be part of a family.
361
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,920
Just not that one.
362
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,920
You can be part of mine,
if you like.
363
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,080
No, yours is pretty crappy too.
364
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,920
No, I mean,
365
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,920
you can be part of ours.
You know, me and you.
366
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,960
What, like a new family?
367
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:32,160
After everything
I've put you through?
368
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,080
Turning down your proposals
and your sperm...
369
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,560
Yeah, after all that.
370
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,880
OK.
371
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,320
Gary Wilkinson...
372
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,720
Yeah?
373
00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:59,720
I'm really sorry I never realised
how important you were to me before,
374
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,280
but now I do...
375
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,720
So, will you marry me?
376
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,560
Don't know what to say.
377
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,960
It's a big decision. I'm not
sure at this stage of my career...
378
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,360
if I'm ready for that obligation.
379
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,160
What? Ha-ha! See!
380
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,160
Now you know how it feels!
Not very nice. Have it, Henshaw!
381
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,960
Come here.
382
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,680
Of course I'll marry you, you prick.
383
00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,200
Know what, Gaz,
we're going to be so happy.
384
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,400
With just you and me...
385
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,960
and Dion.
386
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,760
You what?
387
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,920
Excuse me, young man.
I'm 45, all right?
388
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,160
I've got ID.
389
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:58,040
Well, OK, Mr Bhattacharya.
390
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,800
Sorry to inconvenience you.
391
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,600
Get lost, bird.
392
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:04,000
That's not the kind of language
I expect from a...
393
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,600
man of the cloth.
394
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,920
Kelly, leave him be.
395
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,720
This is a siege!
396
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:13,320
Ciao! Louise, brilliant.
This is a siege!
397
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,560
Ooh, I love a good siege.
Oh, really?!
398
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,760
No, you tit!
Don't you people get me?
399
00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,200
All right, slutty?
Oh, my God, it's you!
400
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:26,960
The father!
401
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,600
Father Bhattacharya!
402
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:34,120
Oh, yeah! Once they've had a bit
of Dion, they're hooked for life.
403
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:37,160
I need a word with you
about responsibility.
404
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,440
Suck my fat hairy cock!
405
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,520
Come on, guys, we need a volunteer
to be shackled to the pump.
406
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,040
I'm already on it.
407
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:57,320
Look, Janet, I know we've not
been getting along recently...
408
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,640
Look, I don't care,
just stay for the siege.
409
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:01,800
You love me?
410
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,440
Yep.
411
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:07,240
And I miss you.
412
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,600
I want you back, Gaz.
413
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,600
That's the gayest thing
I've ever heard!
414
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,480
No, right,
Janet explained it all to me.
415
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:23,040
There's nothing more beautiful
than the love between a man
and another man.
416
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,920
No, there's nothing more beautiful
than the love between a man, a man,
417
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,640
a man, another man,
418
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,560
and a very dirty woman.
419
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:36,800
Gaz, I'm just asking you to be my
friend. Course I'll be your friend!
420
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,840
Come here, you big
closet homosexual. I love you too.
421
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,440
I'm not gay!
422
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,080
Hello there, sir!
423
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,440
You look like the type of man who'd
like to be tied to a pump. I am.
424
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,800
Come and be shackled.
425
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,040
No, we've come to close the pub.
Orders from the brewery.
426
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,040
Well, you may try and close this
pub,
427
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,120
but this is a siege!
428
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:06,080
Yeah! We're staying here until
we die of alcohol poisoning.
429
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:09,520
Yeah, till they show Brokeback
Mountain on terrestrial telly.
430
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,360
See, my customers are loyal,
and we are not leaving!
431
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:19,440
Well, it says here that during the
safety inspection we found asbestos,
432
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,920
carcinogens and a rare form
of bacteria that can make
your eyes turn inside out.
433
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,040
No! Guys? Guys?
434
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:34,960
and, oh, my soul, so weary
435
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:42,760
Aghhh!
436
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,200
Is it dusty?
437
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:01,840
Daddy!
438
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:04,560
Let me look at you!
439
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,560
You asked for this! Oops! Aarrgh!
440
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,400
Oh, shit!
441
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,320
Ta-da!
442
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,680
E-ya, e-ya...
Once you're out, you're out!
443
00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,320
What the bloody 'ell is goin' on
in my fa-a-m'ly?
444
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:24,080
Mmm, cheeky! Moi?
445
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,040
The right thing to do was to put my
stamp on her with my sperm.
446
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,640
Yo! To recovery! Agggh!
447
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:42,080
so I can stand on mountains
448
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:51,520
Fight, fight!
449
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:59,640
when I am on your shoulders
450
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,720
Well, I didn't know
the Archer was cursed!
451
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,200
I've got a bad feeling about this.
452
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,280
Something's wrong.
453
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,760
THUNDER CLAPS
THEY SCREAM
34481
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