Original subtitles

You know how you're a bit... BLOWS RASPBERRY ..down there? Pardon?

I'll shag Donna!

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, your business is going down, Janet Keogh. Ha!

Steve Shaw, health and safety.

Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't shut this place down?

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Bill, bill, bill...

Oooh!

Oxfam have sent me another new pen! Aw, you guys!

I can't believe Gaz hurt my finger.

Your fight with Gaz didn't leave a mark on you.

You're just wearing that so you can play Ku Klux Finger Mice.

Gaz did hurt me when we fought!

I have bruising, swelling, chafing, nostalgia...

and melancholy.

Melancholy?

Well, I miss the cheeky scamp, don't I?

I miss our little chats, our boyish pranks, the way he smells.

Pardon?

The heady aroma of pine cones and grease, like a deep-fried squirrel.

Then make it up to him. I'm always the one

who has to say sorry, even when something's patently his fault.

All he has to do is penetrate me with his deep soulful stare and I'm a goner.

Yeah, you sound like you might want him to penetrate you with something else, Jonny.

What are you implying?

It's just something I've noticed recently. You have...

a touch of the Ainsleys.

How dare you?!

I've never been so insulted in all my life! You devil!

Nothing wrong with a feminine side.

Good. It's not so much a feminine side as a cock-munching side.

Oh!

Oh!

I cannot believe my own wife thinks I lean in that direction.

Did I not, only this morning, ask you, during sexual intercourse,

to stick your female finger up my...? Oh, my God!

I don't think you're gay, obviously.

You could try being a bit less...

What's a boy to do?

A bit less that!

You're right. From now on it's got to be butchness and masculinity all the way.

I may even join the British Navy. Good.

"Pleased to meet you! I like breasts and vaginas.

"They're smashing."

Oh, my God! Bit turned on, are we?

No! This is a letter from the brewery.

Says the Archer's gonna be closed on the 16th.

That's today. I'll be out of a job!

Look, I don't need this! I'm at a very important stage of my career.

Signing on is very important!

I can't be Dion's mum. There's no way, Dad.

Is that your dad?! Give it here. Mr Henshaw!

Get off!

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

You're not bothered about me, why you asking about who I'm with?

You could've said that many times over the past 24 years.

You didn't even come to Mum's funeral. Why should I help you?

Donna, let me sort this out. Thank you.

Well, hello! How are you?!

Give me the phone. Get... Get... Get off!

Yeah, she can be a little madam, can't she?

Anyway, what can we do for you?

Yeah, course. That'll be a pleasure.

OK. Can I call you Dad?

OK, Mr Henshaw, it is. See ya.

What did you do? What? I only said we'd look after your baby brother for a few days.

You should take care of family, Donna.

He's not a baby. He's 16.

He's a nightmare.

I know more about being a 16-year-old boy than you.

I'd best dig out my Dungeons & Dragons and get some Panda Pop.

You'd be better off with porn and lager.

Yes, I would. Ooh!

Think, Kelly, think!

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

Mmmmm.

Mmmmmm.

Hmmmm.

What we thinking about?

The brewery are gonna close this place down. We have to save the pub!

I've got it! What?

Nude female wrestling, every weeknight.

How's that supposed to save the Archer?

Who cares about saving the Archer? I just fancy ya!

Oh, God, how could they close this place?

So many memories.

There's a little piece of all of us in this place.

I lost a toenail in the pool room.

Why don't we take someone hostage and demand that they keep the pub open.

Arthur likes being tied up.

Yes!

We need a hostage. Brilliant!

Ciao.

God, I've had such a morning!

Throwing up, tender breasts, weird cravings.

I think I'm coming down with something.

Mmm... Baby-ticulitis?

Kiddie-burculosis?

Stupid pregnant knob-phelia?

Don't blind me with medical jargon.

What are you staring at? All the cool kids are eating coal these days.

Louise, I think you might be pregnant.

But I've not slept with anyone!

Not since my alcoholism. Who was it?

Oh, Arthur!

You've not been a naughty boy, have ya?

It wasn't that skanky old meth-head!

All I can remember is he had a particular way of touching my bosom.

Oh, right. Like this?

HONK!

No. Like this? Tiddlle-iddle-iddle-iddle-ee!

No!

Then how about...? Right, Kelly! You're my hostage!

You're not leaving my grasp until my demands are met!

Nice one! I'll get me shackles...

Nying, nyiiing, nyiiiing... YAY!!

Look what I got for your brother! Eh?

Gaz, he's 16!

He's evil! He set fire to my gran!

Wheelie!!

He's gonna love this bike, in't he? Eh?

Not as much as you seem to.

Look, I have to tell you, there's a reason why I have little to do with my family.

You don't want to admit the affection you have for them

and hide the pain of not connecting with them with a hostile veneer.

No, because they're all bastards.

DOOR BANGS That'll be him.

Yo, wassup, blood?

Dion, welcome! Give us a hug.

Suck my fat hairy cock!

Any minute now they'll phone, bowing to my demands! W-ha-ha-ha!

W-ha-ha-ha!

Now, are those shackles too tight?

Are they hurting you? Mmm.

I'm sorry. No, put that back in!

It was cutting the oxygen off, thus making my orgasms longer and more fulfilling.

You're having an orgasm?

No! Course not.

NOW I am.

Nothing seems to be happening.

Try threatening me, like they do in the films.

Ooh, right!

Kelly! I'll blinking well have your guts for garters, so I will.

You big...silly!

That's not threatening. Do this...

If the Archer doesn't stay open, I'm gonna smoke this bitch

and turn the gun on every goddamn last ONE OF YOU!!

Don't shout at me!

In American!

What did the brewery say? I've not heard anything.

They're playing swingball.

Hard. It's "hardball", Janet.

No, I find it quite easy. It's on a string.

What happened when you phoned them?

Were they frightened? Terrorised?

Quivering like a threatened virgin?

Oh, God, there's another orgasm.

When I phoned them?

Well, they...

I've just got to make a quick call.

Why do I have a compulsion to polish this pepper mill every day?

Jonny! I need your help.

You have to do something for me first.

Anything! Anything for you! Really?!

No, you tit!

Don't you people get me?

Look, just show me a bit of leg, or a bit of breast, or...

Just get your minge out, see what happens.

Why? To see if I'm attracted to you.

Jonny. All men find me attractive.

That's how I got in this mess to begin with. What mess?

I'm pregnant.

With one of those. Oooooooh!

I mean, whose is it?

Mine, of course!

I just don't know who the father is.

The spawn was conceived during my alcoholism.

All I can remember is that he had a particular way of manipulating my mammaries.

I was thinking it might be you.

So, you know, grab away.

Well, that would prove I wasn't gay, but Janet would tear off my Jonnyhood.

I won't tell anyone. Look, I can't, Louise.

Janet would kill me!

No, definitely not you.

Good God, man, cut your nails!

It's like being groped by an eagle!

But I don't feel anything sexual at all! Except a big pair of breasts.

Thanks! Well, if you don't find me attractive, you must be what I've always thought you were.

Yes, I am!

I'm turning into...

a gay!

No, I was going to say a dickhead, but...gay's better - we can go shopping.

Go on.

What do we do with him? Does he need changing now?

There's just no use trying.

I hate family. And we hate you! F'shizzle my nizzle.

You do know you're not black?

I'm black on the inside, bi-i-tch!

This was a stupid idea, Gaz.

He's just a little boy who needs guidance.

D'you mind not spitting on me floor?

Yeah, no problem.

OK.

I'm not entering into these childish games with you. I'm 27.

Yeah, you are. Yes, I know I am.

So? I know you are. I know I am. So? I know you are.

I know I am. I know you are. I know I am.

So? I know you are. I know I am. So? For God SAKES!!

Just don't bother with him. I never have done.

What's this?

Ah, you might be interested in that. Read it and see.

"World's Best Mechanic"?!

Oh, my God. Should say "World's Biggest Cock"!

Actually it should, but I'm not one to boast! Eh!

You want me tell you what I think of your trophy?

Am I being optimistic in thinking you're impressed?

I'll show you. Oi!

You little...!

Don't touch me! I'll call the pigs. I'm not scared of the pigs.

Just don't call the sheep, all right?

What you gonna do? Hit me?

No. No, because, you're a shitehouse, a gaylord, and cos you've got no balls.

Oi. OI! He's got balls.

They just don't work.

You're even worse than him! Oi, hold on. That's your sister!

She's a frigging traitor. She took her money and run, and we ain't seen her since. I hate her.

She's a stupid... Oi, you little bastard! No wonder no-one wants you!

I can't believe the brewery paid no attention to you being my hostage.

Why can't you be like Shergar?

I am! I've worn a saddle and been ridden by a tiny little man.

Come on, we have to think of something completely foolproof to save the pub. Think.

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

Mmmm?

Hmmmm. Oh!

Yes? Nothing, just another orgasm.

Janet!

Cure me with your mighty bosom!

What? I'm on the turn! I'm becoming a gay!

Watch this!

Jonny, you're not gay! And don't you think that's homophobic?

Don't you insult my people!

Jonny, I don't think you're gay.

How can you be sure? I'll be back in two minutes with proof.

And a dildo with a camera on, just in case I'm wrong.

Jonny, can you think of a way of stopping the brewery closing the pub?

Well, Janet, my people like to use a little thing we call "blackmail".

And what do other people call it?

Blackmail.

Look, focus. We need to get some dirt on the head of the brewery.

I've only met him once over a cup of tea. He was really nice actually.

He said he liked my top.

A cross-dresser!

What else?

Well, he had quite a big nose.

All the better to hoover up his cocaine!

Fine. I'll make the call.

Oh, disguise your voice. So he don't recognise it.

Oh, OK.

"Well, helloooo!"

How's that? Brilliant! And tell him we know he doesn't do any work

and he sits around all day watching porn on the internet.

Jonny, he's head of a brewery - I don't think he has time to look at porn. Janet, he's a man.

Believe me, he makes time.

Shh! It's ringing.

Well, hellooooo!

I'm a blackmailer.

And I am blackmailing you.

Now, stop looking at that internet porn and listen up.

Yes, yes, actually we can see you!

Jimmy.

Right, Jonny, here's your test.

What, Arthur?

No-one can resist a bit of Arthur.

Right, kiss him!

If you feel anything, Arthur's erection not included, you're gay.

If not you're straight.

He's not really my type.

Kiss him! It's the only way you'll know.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

That was quite nice - he smells of urine!

Call that a kiss?

I'm a bit shy. It's my first gay experience.

Just do it!

I can't! I can't!

I'll call you back.

Donna...! Oh, God, it's you. Don't "Oh, God, it's you" me!

Not after you've hurled a big blob of chav up my classiness.

What are you talking about?

You are the father of my baby.

You're pregnant? Well, it's not mine.

It must be yours.

I've never shagged you!

So you're saying it's the immaculate conception. I'm carrying the son of God?

It's not an immaculate conception.

So you admit it's yours!

No! Well, there's only one way we can find out if it was you who got fruity on my booty.

You're going to have to touch my bosom.

All right!

The only thing I can remember about my lover was the particular way he touched my bosom.

Come on, what are we waiting for?

I can't do it to Donna. I just can't.

She's like family to me.

No, not you.

I've got it! We'll have a siege!

A siege? Yes, a bunch of us will stay in the pub and we won't leave till we get what we want.

Janet, that's a lock-in!

No, because I'll say, "This is a siege!"

Oh, my good God.

What?

You! You look like someone from that London!

I'm embracing my sexuality, Janet.

As a gay man I'd ask you not to judge my lifestyle choices.

For the last time, Jonny, you're not gay! You're just slightly effeminate.

But I must be!

I can't stop thinking about Gaz and how much I hurt him when we fought.

That's just guilt! You don't fancy him.

But I really miss him.

I really want to see him, talk to him, have a drink with him and...

Kiss his willy? No! Because you're not gay!

But... Jonny, have you ever had any sort of attraction towards a man?

That's what I'm saying! I'm attracted to Gaz.

I want to have a pint and a chat with him. Those are all the symptoms of being gay.

Plus, he's a good-looking bloke.

That's just friendship. You love him, because he's your friend.

And anyone can see he's good-looking.

Actually he's much better naked...

Oh. Sorry.

So, er...

what do I do?

Well, you go home, get out of those ridiculous clothes, then you go and make it up to your friend Gaz.

Get him down here for a pint.

In fact, round up as many people as you can.

We're going to go under siege like that film on the ship - Titanic.

Donna. How's Dion? I had to spend an hour cuddling him.

Cuddling?! Ooh!

He's frightened, Gaz. He wouldn't stop crying.

He's frightened of me?

God, I feel dreadful.

I left him in the park to kick some pigeons.

I can't believe you upset my brother.

He's family, Gaz.

Family! D'you know what that means?

Yeah, I do. I didn't think you did!

Well, I don't.

I hate family. Family are bastards.

Why did you go running after him when you thought he was hurt? I don't know!

We talked a bit...

about Mum. About all the funny little things she used to do,

like putting speed in her tea instead of sugar.

Or forgetting our names, or the fact that we existed,

or needed food.

Yeah. How she used to say, "You don't need family!

"Family are bastards."

Oh, shit.

Yep, you are very like her.

I've been such a dick. I want to be part of a family.

Just not that one.

You can be part of mine, if you like.

No, yours is pretty crappy too.

No, I mean,

you can be part of ours. You know, me and you.

What, like a new family?

After everything I've put you through?

Turning down your proposals and your sperm...

Yeah, after all that.

OK.

Gary Wilkinson...

Yeah?

I'm really sorry I never realised how important you were to me before,

but now I do...

So, will you marry me?

Don't know what to say.

It's a big decision. I'm not sure at this stage of my career...

if I'm ready for that obligation.

What? Ha-ha! See!

Now you know how it feels! Not very nice. Have it, Henshaw!

Come here.

Of course I'll marry you, you prick.

Know what, Gaz, we're going to be so happy.

With just you and me...

and Dion.

You what?

Excuse me, young man. I'm 45, all right?

I've got ID.

Well, OK, Mr Bhattacharya.

Sorry to inconvenience you.

Get lost, bird.

That's not the kind of language I expect from a...

man of the cloth.

Kelly, leave him be.

This is a siege!

Ciao! Louise, brilliant. This is a siege!

Ooh, I love a good siege. Oh, really?!

No, you tit! Don't you people get me?

All right, slutty? Oh, my God, it's you!

The father!

Father Bhattacharya!

Oh, yeah! Once they've had a bit of Dion, they're hooked for life.

I need a word with you about responsibility.

Suck my fat hairy cock!

Come on, guys, we need a volunteer to be shackled to the pump.

I'm already on it.

Look, Janet, I know we've not been getting along recently...

Look, I don't care, just stay for the siege.

You love me?

Yep.

And I miss you.

I want you back, Gaz.

That's the gayest thing I've ever heard!

No, right, Janet explained it all to me.

There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and another man.

No, there's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man, a man,

a man, another man,

and a very dirty woman.

Gaz, I'm just asking you to be my friend. Course I'll be your friend!

Come here, you big closet homosexual. I love you too.

I'm not gay!

Hello there, sir!

You look like the type of man who'd like to be tied to a pump. I am.

Come and be shackled.

No, we've come to close the pub. Orders from the brewery.

Well, you may try and close this pub,

but this is a siege!

Yeah! We're staying here until we die of alcohol poisoning.

Yeah, till they show Brokeback Mountain on terrestrial telly.

See, my customers are loyal, and we are not leaving!

Well, it says here that during the safety inspection we found asbestos,

carcinogens and a rare form of bacteria that can make your eyes turn inside out.

No! Guys? Guys?

and, oh, my soul, so weary

Aghhh!

Is it dusty?

Daddy!

Let me look at you!

You asked for this! Oops! Aarrgh!

Oh, shit!

Ta-da!

E-ya, e-ya... Once you're out, you're out!

What the bloody 'ell is goin' on in my fa-a-m'ly?

Mmm, cheeky! Moi?

The right thing to do was to put my stamp on her with my sperm.

Yo! To recovery! Agggh!

so I can stand on mountains

Fight, fight!

when I am on your shoulders

Well, I didn't know the Archer was cursed!

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Something's wrong.

THUNDER CLAPS THEY SCREAM