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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,920
I'm applying for bar manager.
I'm applying for bar manager.
2
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,200
Can I have a...ooooh form?
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,280
I'm ten grand in debt.
4
00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,280
My life is finished.
5
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,480
Janet, if you're happy
to take the job,
6
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:18,320
I guess we've found our candidate.
7
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:29,840
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:35,080
handle anything stronger now
9
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,240
I'm going to be the best
bar manager ever.
10
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:58,360
I'll have the sassiness of Bet
Gilroy, the sexiness of Angie Watt
11
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,640
and the dwarfism of Peggy Mitchell.
12
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,920
But...my life is ruined. How?
13
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:09,960
You go out to work and I have no-one
to talk to all day. It's lonely.
14
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:15,200
Sometimes a fat man with a glass eye
comes round to lick the front
window.
15
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,360
Other than that, I have no company.
16
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:23,120
Well, you could get a job.
Whore from hell. All right.
17
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,040
You could hang round with Gaz.
18
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:28,120
Me and Gaz aren't the best of mates
at the moment.
19
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:33,320
He's taken some sort of offence
to me standing outside his bedroom
window every night
20
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,200
shouting,
"Suck my fully functioning balls."
21
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,280
Well, you've hurt his feelings,
haven't you?
22
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,400
You'll have to try and make it up.
23
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,080
Maybe I could get Gaz something.
24
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,600
A present.
25
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,200
Something that says,
26
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,720
"Sorry, you're a big Jaffa Cake
and I'm a huge creamy Bourbon."
27
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:54,360
"Sorry, I have a horn of plenty."
28
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,400
"Sorry, I'm a mighty sperm whale."
29
00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,880
"Sorry that my cock runneth over..."
All right, that's enough.
30
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:07,720
If he can't have kids,
get him something he can take
care of, like a plant.
31
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,040
Or a puppy. I could get him a puppy.
32
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:14,560
Or you could spend
more time with Corinthian.
Yes, a puppy is just the ticket.
33
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,440
I'll be at the canal.
34
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,840
There's bound to be a sack of them
lying around.
35
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,560
That's it, that's it!
36
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,520
I'm forgetting about having kids.
I'm never having 'em.
37
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:35,400
Anything that stops you picking
the lumpy bits out of your jizz in
the hope that it's super-strength...
38
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,760
is OK by me.
39
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,920
I'm meeting Jonny at lunchtime.
He'll gloat.
40
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,760
Those two are so infuriating.
41
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,040
Hence...
42
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,800
Die, Janet!
43
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,800
Are you still not speaking to her?
44
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:55,760
She's asked me to the pub...probably
to gloat cos she got the job.
They're such gloaters.
45
00:02:55,760 --> 00:03:00,920
They're probably gonna smile kindly
at us and offer us friendship.
46
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,800
Bastards!
47
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,960
Maybe she wants to make friends.
48
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,800
I'll make friends all right.
49
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:09,600
I'll friend her good!
50
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,280
Hey, that's nice.
51
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:19,320
I'm not normally a vindictive
person, but anybody could see
I deserved the job more.
52
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,560
Well, she ruined my career,
so I'm gonna ruin hers
53
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,520
when we stick...
54
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:29,120
Damn you, Janet Keogh Voodoo Doll!
55
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,280
Damn you to hell!
56
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,920
Just like Peggy Mitchell.
57
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:39,920
Where's my Grant?
58
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,560
What the bloody 'ell is goin' on
in my family?!
59
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,120
I can't really do the voice.
60
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:52,640
Remember, Arthur, only four more
goes on me and you can claim
your free peanuts.
61
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,080
There are going to be some changes
around here, young lady.
62
00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:01,680
The first being you must cease
boning the elderly in the cellar.
63
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,480
But...but... There'll be no buts,
young lady.
64
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,600
I'm the manager
and I want this place run properly.
65
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,720
All right, fine.
66
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,280
Come on, you pair.
67
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,320
They fought for our freedom.
Well, that stops immediately.
68
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,280
How else can I improve this place?
69
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,720
You could sort out
that piss-soaked disease hole,
70
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,320
or as the brewery call it -
the kitchen.
71
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,480
We could start serving food.
72
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,600
People would travel
from far and wide to eat here.
73
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,480
From Runcorn Bridge to...
Runcorn's other bridge.
74
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,680
I could be just like Jamie Oliver.
75
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,880
It'll be pukka.
76
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,880
I can't really do that voice either.
77
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,840
Woof-woof! Hello, Gaz.
78
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:06,280
You all right?
Come to gloat, have you?
79
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:11,000
I wish someone would look after me.
Woof!
80
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:18,560
If only a big, strong man
would be my daddy. You what?
81
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,600
Oh, look, you've got a little dog!
82
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,360
Why do you think I was speaking
in that voice?
83
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,480
What voice?
84
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,240
Oh, look.
85
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,560
Hello. What's his name?
86
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:34,200
You name him. Although, to me,
he looks like a Colin.
87
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,480
It's for you.
Sorry you're a big Jaffa.
88
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,320
You what? Who do you think you are,
coming here judging my sperm, eh?
89
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:46,880
With some adorable, cute, little dog
looking at me with his cute,
little puppy-dog eyes. Hello!
90
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,200
"Hello, Gaz,
how are you feeling today?"
91
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:53,120
Well, thanks for asking.
I'm feeling bark.
92
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,920
"Ruff".
93
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,160
What?
94
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,720
Ruff, Gaz.
95
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,080
The joke is "ruff".
96
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:07,160
Cos "rough" is like a dog noise.
97
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,680
Ruff!
98
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,320
Oh, yeah, I get it now, yeah.
99
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,960
That's not funny.
Please look after me, Gaz.
100
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:22,320
I don't want a dog. I'm not looking
after you either, so stop asking.
101
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,640
Well, if you're sure.
102
00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,000
Have you got a sack and some bricks?
103
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,440
Oi, don't you dare!
Come here, you.
104
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:34,200
Aw! We're not gonna let him or any
other bigger dogs pick on you. No.
105
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:39,920
Yes, I'm gonna take you to see Man
City, teach you how to ride a bike.
106
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,040
Dogs can't ride bikes.
107
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,200
Oi, don't stifle his dreams!
108
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,760
Aw, look at you.
He does look like a Colin.
109
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:51,440
All right, Colin?
110
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:56,080
Treat this place like your own.
One day, it'll all be yours.
111
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:02,440
Thanks for this, pal. This puppy's
gonna be the best-looked-after child
since Blanket Jackson.
112
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:05,800
I'm gonna care for him,
cherish him and...
113
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,080
YELPING
114
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,040
Kill him?
115
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,280
Colin!
116
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:22,640
Oh, God!
117
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,000
I mean, cor blimey!
118
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,320
Oh, all these recipes are for
fancy stuff, like "omelette".
119
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,920
People round here don't want
fancy cooking, look at 'em.
120
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,760
They're old.
They like dead simple food.
121
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:42,000
Cos they're simple people
who are nearly dead.
122
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,800
Yeah, other than us lot, the pub
has got an elderly bunch of locals.
123
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,240
Yeah, dirty little bastards,
the lot of 'em.
124
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,880
I'm up for a touch of the wrinkles.
Cellar, anybody?
125
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:58,760
No! Look, a proper business person
would capitalise on this.
126
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,720
I'm going to make this place
old-person-friendly.
127
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,800
I'm going to please the grey pound.
128
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,880
I'm desperate for a pound of grey.
Come on, Arthur.
129
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,200
Ooh! Look at you!
130
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,040
Bar manager. I know.
131
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,320
Now look at me - ooh!
132
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:24,240
I know the outfit's a bit
unorthodox, but it's essential for
my new career.
133
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,360
I am ten grand in debt. I've got to
start working for a living.
134
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,640
That's very responsible.
What is this new career?
135
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:34,000
I'm going to whore out my booty.
136
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:38,200
Prostitution? You can't do that!
It's dangerous.
137
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,680
Dangerously sexy.
138
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:43,720
It's illegal. Illegally sexy.
139
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,360
You could catch a disease.
140
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,080
Diseasily sexy.
141
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:53,120
And it looks like loads of fun -
Band Of Gold, Pat Butcher,
Jack the Ripper.
142
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:57,480
Great comedies. So you're actually
going to have sex for money?
143
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,840
No, I'm not going to be
a sex prostitute.
144
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,360
What other kind is there?
145
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,840
My plan is, I take the money off
them and then ask them about their
wives.
146
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,200
Then they'll burst out crying and
won't be able to get an erection.
147
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,360
It's foolproof.
148
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,400
How's your wives?
149
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,480
They're so funny when they cry.
150
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:28,120
Don't upset my customers, they're
old. They fought for our freedom.
151
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:32,280
That's it. I could turn the pub
into a theme pub.
152
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,160
A war theme pub.
153
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:37,560
Who wouldn't want to relive
the threat of Nazi occupation?
154
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,320
Peace, man.
155
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:48,960
Come on, boys, time for an
old-fashioned trenches sing-a-long.
Ready?
156
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,840
Two, three, four...
157
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,200
Yeah, what is it good for?
158
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,920
Sing it again.
159
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,440
Oh, you've come.
I'm so pleased you're here.
160
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,480
Look how well it's going.
The old people love it.
161
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,560
What the hell happened here?
162
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:13,240
Have I just walked into
Goodnight Sweetheart?
163
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:18,080
I've cashed in on the grey pound.
I'm a complete success...
thanks to you.
164
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:19,760
Oh, watch this.
165
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,600
SIREN WAILS
Air raid! Everyone under the table!
166
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,640
I do that once in a while. It keeps
them awake so they buy more beer.
167
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,720
How is this thanks to me?
168
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:42,920
If you hadn't been a lousy candidate
for the job, I'd never have made
my dream come true. Happy for me?
169
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,280
Ecstatic.
170
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,600
You haven't seen the best bit.
Kelly!
171
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:57,000
Hey, everyone, it's Hitler.
Kick her ass!
172
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,840
Ah! Ah!
173
00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,200
I'm so scared of
zees speedy old men.
174
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,240
I hope zey don't catch me.
175
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,760
Come on, boys,
chase her to her bunker.
176
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,600
So, Donna, what can I get you?
177
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,160
You're insane.
178
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,760
What? All this crap.
179
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:19,160
It's idiotic. I would never
have done this. It works.
180
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,320
It's stupid, it's offensive
and it isn't right for the pub.
181
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,640
I think I know what's right
for MY pub.
182
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,120
You're just jealous
because I got the job.
183
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,080
I'm not jealous. You are.
184
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,520
Donna with no husband,
no kids and no job.
185
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:38,920
Well, I've just had, um...
an interview, actually,
186
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:44,640
for a job that's way better than
being bar manager of Nazi Germany.
187
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,240
Oh, yeah. What as?
188
00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:56,440
Er, health and safety official.
189
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,000
Really?
190
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:03,320
I don't think the council will
appreciate you cleaning that glass
with your own sputum.
191
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,360
Well, I tried Kelly's,
but it was black.
192
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,240
And if I get the job, I'm afraid,
Janet Keogh, I may have to do
193
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,320
a full inspection of your pub
and might have to close you down.
194
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,480
You'd have the authority to do that?
195
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,440
Yes, yes, I would. Oh.
196
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:24,120
Well, this place is perfectly clean.
You'll see.
197
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,920
Sieg heil!
198
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:28,760
That was German for "Have it!"
199
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,760
Where is everyone?
200
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,040
Prostitute! Prostitute available!
201
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,600
How much?
202
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:49,200
You're not very attractive,
so that'll put the price up.
203
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:53,880
Ugh! Beaded seat covers?
I don't think so, loser. Drive on.
204
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:05,200
How did you get on cleaning Colin
off your dumbbells?
205
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,240
He was quite stainy.
206
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,680
It just proves what I suspected.
I can't be a father.
207
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,320
I've tried and tried,
but I'm no good at it.
208
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,080
But it's your dream.
209
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:22,720
You think I don't know that? I sneak
into Mothercare to sniff Babygros.
210
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:26,960
You think I don't spend hours a day
staring at pictures of children?
211
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:30,520
Pardon?
212
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,560
I'm desperate, Jonny.
It just feels like...
213
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,160
if I can't have a child,
life's pointless.
214
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:40,000
You could train to be a clown.
They hang around with kids.
215
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,720
Like that McDonald's fellow -
Trevor MacDonald.
216
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:48,720
If only there was a way of getting
hold of a kid that was born already.
217
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:53,560
You know, like one that didn't have
any parents and you fostered them.
218
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:58,280
If only there was some form of
adoption system in this crazy world.
219
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:02,600
Hold on a minute.
220
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:03,720
Of course!
221
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:08,400
I think I missed a bit of Colin
on my dumbbell.
222
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,080
I think it's his ear.
223
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,400
No, Gaz...there IS
an adoption system.
224
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,720
How do you think Woody Allen
met his wife?
225
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:27,520
Thanks for fitting me in
at such short notice.
That's fine, Mr Wilkinson.
226
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,320
Always keen to encourage
potential adopters.
227
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,480
Right, I'll have a little boy,
please.
228
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:37,080
It's not quite that straightforward.
229
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,840
You've not run out of stock?
230
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:42,800
No, Mr Wilkinson,
we don't keep the children here.
231
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,120
What's in that warehouse
behind your building?
232
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,520
That's B&Q.
233
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:54,920
I can see that. I just thought
it stood for "boys and...
234
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,560
.."quirls."
235
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:03,160
This is just a preliminary meeting
to ascertain your suitability.
236
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,160
Oh, got you. Yeah.
Um...I'm dead suitable. OK.
237
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:11,600
What kind of environment would you
be able to offer a child?
238
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,480
I've got a great little flat.
239
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:17,200
It's only one room, so I won't
worry about losing the kid.
240
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,800
Unless he climbed into the oven
and shut the door behind him.
241
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,800
God, that'd be terrible!
Imagine if I cooked my baby!
242
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,840
Bit of parsley, bit of garlic.
243
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,880
Oh, I'll have a leg, please.
244
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,680
I'm gonna tell Jonny that one later.
Right.
245
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,920
D'you mind me asking
why you want to adopt, exactly?
246
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:49,320
I thought I had a son. He turned out
to be Jonny's, so I want my own now.
247
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,880
Do you have experience with
children?
248
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,560
Well, I had a sort of son -
249
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,760
Colin - but I killed him.
250
00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,560
You killed your son?
251
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,280
Yeah.
252
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,080
With a dumbbell. Phhwrrrt!
253
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,480
It was Jonny's fault.
254
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:13,520
I see. And is this Jonny
in the room now?
255
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,560
I don't think so.
256
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:23,520
Look, Mr Wilkinson. I'm afraid
I can't recommend you to adopt.
257
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,560
What?!
258
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,120
But I bought in Colin's ear
for him to play with and everything.
259
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,240
Woof woof!
260
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,160
Help!
261
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,480
Yes, Janet,
262
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:39,960
health and safety.
263
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,480
I'm so sorry, but this pub
is an abomination!
264
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,520
Yeah.
265
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,880
Clean every inch of it with a
toothbrush on your hands and knees!
266
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:53,120
Oh, Donna, why do I have to be
so rubbish when you're so brilliant?
267
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,240
Because you're a smug cow,
and I'm going to ruin your life.
268
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,640
Have I actually gone insane?
269
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,600
No, Donna,
you're doing the right thing.
270
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:08,120
Oh, well, thank God you were here -
I thought I was going crackers.
271
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:10,040
SHE HUMS
272
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,800
Listen very carefully,
I will say this only once!
273
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,320
We have a perfectly clean pub.
274
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:25,440
God, that was terrifying!
275
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,960
Why? What's happened?
276
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:31,400
I've never seen such a huge parade
of inbreds since I visited Nuneaton.
277
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,800
And one big biffer threatened me,
278
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,920
saying if I didn't get off her
patch, she'd "do me".
279
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,600
Must have been some sort of lezza.
280
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,160
Could you imagine ME having lesbian
sex?!
281
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,840
Yes.
282
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:52,160
Don't touch what you can't afford.
I'll buy you a drink.
283
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,400
Ew! You punters are all the same.
284
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,520
Well, I'm far classier than that -
285
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,040
I need to be a high-class call girl
instead.
286
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,000
I should be like Pretty Woman and
find myself a rich, rich Richard
Gere.
287
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,320
Right.
288
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,200
This ho ain't turning tricks for no
scrubs no mo', mofo!
289
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:12,280
Ciao!
290
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,880
So, Janet...
291
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,600
how's the pub? Is it dusty?
292
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,000
No.
293
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,680
Oh.
294
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,280
So you got the job, then?
295
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,560
Yes, I did. And now you'll have
to do everything I say
296
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,320
or I will close this place down.
297
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,560
But I've written you a list
to help you.
298
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,040
"Pretty Woman"
by Roy Orbison
299
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,400
Hello!
300
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,640
You look rich,
301
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,320
so I thought you might want
to fall in love with me.
302
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,000
I'm a hooker,
303
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,800
but with a heart of gold, you see.
304
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,680
So, let's go clothes shopping,
305
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:06,000
and you can sit there laughing
while I try on all the outfits.
306
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,320
Excuse me, madam, can I ask what
you're doing? I'm being a
prostitute.
307
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,000
Come on - out.
308
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,640
This is ridiculous! As if this place
isn't chock-full of slappers!
309
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:20,320
Fine! I'll go somewhere where
my whoring is appreciated.
310
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,440
Right, I've sorted out those rats
and cockroaches.
311
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,040
They're all lovely and clean.
312
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,960
Now, should I go and polish
that unexploded World War II bomb?
313
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,560
No, the bomb's clean enough.
314
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,280
Are you personally clean?
315
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,600
Personally?
316
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,880
You know...down there?
317
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,600
Sweetheart, they haven't invented
a bleach strong enough.
318
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,440
Well, use your brain, woman -
319
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,800
boil-wash it and wrap it
in clingfilm. Off you pop.
320
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,360
Janet, what's the point in cleaning?
321
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,720
As Oscar Wilde once remarked...
322
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,240
"Oooooooh!"
323
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:08,240
Donna's going to close this place
down if she finds anything
unhygienic.
324
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,400
She's what?!
325
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,400
How's she going to close the Archer?
326
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,920
Her health and safety job.
She's inspecting us!
327
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,240
She hasn't got a job!
328
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,520
That's why she's spending all her
time plotting revenge against you.
329
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,000
Pardon? Have I said too much?
330
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,280
Sneaky bitch!
331
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,160
How could she try and ruin
my livelihood?!
332
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,960
Not only that, but she's got
a Janet voodoo doll.
333
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,680
Have I said too much?
334
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,280
Evil cow! How dare she?!
335
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:45,680
And when she orgasms, she makes
a noise like this, "Aya, aya, aya!"
336
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,880
Now I've definitely said too much.
337
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,480
She's asked for it.
338
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,640
Any luck getting a nipper yet?
339
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,960
No. The adoption woman said
I was completely unsuitable.
340
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,440
And then the police backed her up.
341
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,280
Well, I, for one, am glad. You what?
342
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,120
Well, I had an even better idea.
343
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:09,080
It's obvious I'm not the person
you should be talking to -
344
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,600
I'm a dick.
345
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:15,320
But I hit upon a scheme so cunning,
so clever,
346
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,360
it would put all our previous genius
exploits to shame. Oh, yeah?
347
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,800
Well, you know how you're a bit
of a...
348
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,600
down there?
349
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:28,120
Yeah, that was the exact wording
on the letter from the hospital.
It's obvious!
350
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,120
Use my baby-making
creamy goodness instead!
351
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:33,800
Pardon?
352
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,360
It's dead easy!
353
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:36,920
I'll shag Donna!
354
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,480
She'd love a ride
on the old Jonny wagon, eh?
355
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,680
"Ooh, ooh, ooh!"
356
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:49,680
No?
357
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:56,800
Yes, Donna.
358
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,520
I've completed your list.
359
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:03,480
I'd just love you to come over here
and make sure the place adheres
to your specifications. ..OK!
360
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,240
EVIL LAUGH
361
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,400
Mwah-ha-ha-ha...!
362
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,080
Yeah, your business is going down,
Janet Keogh!
363
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,360
Donna!
364
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,120
I need your advice.
365
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:25,000
You're a prostitutologist,
aren't you, what with your mum
being a whore?
366
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,480
My mum wasn't a prostitute -
367
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:27,760
she just had sex with men
368
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,000
for money.
369
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:34,360
How did she do it? I've been hooking
all over this wretched town
370
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:38,440
and I've been thrown out
of every bar, hotel, synagogue.
371
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,440
I've got bigger things to think
about.
372
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,040
Why would they throw ME
onto the streets? I mean,
373
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,480
I'm completely scab-free.
374
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,880
Well, maybe, just maybe, Louise,
375
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,720
having someone whoring out their
body on your premises is bad for
business.
376
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,240
Sorry, could you just come with me?
377
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,760
Janet, someone's written graffiti
in the women's loo saying,
"Janet is crap."
378
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,000
Was it you?
379
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,400
Yes.
380
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:13,600
Janet! It's time for your
inspection.
381
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,080
Now, Louise, go and drum up a bit of
filthy business with Arthur.
382
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,440
Of course! This is too easy.
383
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:26,520
Janet! There appears to be an
unlicensed brothel operating on your
premises. Oh, I don't care.
384
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,560
I beg your pardon.
385
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:36,520
Donna, tell me, am I contravening
regulation 149765642945454786B
if I do this?
386
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,440
I'm confused. I know the truth.
387
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,520
You're not really doing
a health and safety inspection -
388
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,240
you're just trying to punish me.
389
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,640
I mean, God knows why.
390
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,920
Because...
391
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,360
this job was meant to be mine,
that's why!
392
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,120
How can you say that, Donna?
393
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:54,680
I got this job using my own skills.
394
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,080
I thought you'd be proud of me.
395
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,400
I'm not like you.
I've no qualifications.
396
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,200
I can't just get any job I want.
397
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,480
And now you...you...
398
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,200
You're a bitch, Donna Henshaw -
399
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,000
a vicious bitch!
400
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,440
It's only because I'm jealous.
401
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,080
Jealous?
402
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,000
Of me?
403
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,840
I didn't realise. Tell me more.
404
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:25,000
I'm the one that's meant
to be sorted.
405
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,680
I mean, your life's supposed
to be shit.
406
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:31,600
My life's meant to be how you
measure your rubbish existence.
407
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:36,240
I mean, you're the one who married
some backwards idiot man
that no-one else would have
408
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,640
and ended up having
a freaky-looking baby.
409
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,720
I mean, Corinthian looks like you
drank heavily during pregnancy.
410
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,960
What's with the whole...thing?
You know what I mean. What?
411
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:51,840
Can you forgive me?
412
00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:56,000
Why don't you just stay away
from me and my FAHHHMILEEE?!
413
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,680
Look what you've gone and done.
Oh...!
414
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,000
Who do you think you are kidding?
415
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:12,400
Say it again! Say it again, go on!
Argh! Slag in purple!
416
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:13,880
I'm a bitch!
417
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,240
Oh, hi there.
418
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,080
Sorry do I know you?
419
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:21,120
Don't tell me they've sent two of us
to inspect the same place.
420
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,320
Uh-oh.
421
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,160
Bloody head office, eh?
422
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:30,560
Yeah...bloody head office.
The amount of times
I've turned up to a brothel
423
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:34,520
only to be told that someone's been
there before me.
424
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,560
We don't inspect brothels.
425
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,680
More's the pity.
426
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,960
Anyway. I'll tell you what...Steve.
427
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:48,280
I'll go indoors and you can check
the outside for...
428
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:54,680
moss and mildew. I think I saw
a tramp lurking earlier.
429
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,080
Janet!
430
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,160
Janet, Janet, health and safety!
431
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,600
Do you think I'm stupid
or something? What?
432
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,400
You can't pull the same trick twice!
433
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,040
That's more stupid than Jonny giving
money to that pretend charity.
434
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:10,760
Amnesty International indeed.
435
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,680
But... I don't even want to look
at you, Donna Henshaw.
436
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:19,160
Don't worry about this place.
All spick and span.
437
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:24,760
They even adhere to regulation
700J.
438
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,400
Not to feed guinea fowl from
a plastic trough when farming?
439
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,600
Th-That is correct.
440
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,440
But this is a pub.
441
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:37,120
Oh, it is, yeah. A nice clean pub.
442
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:42,760
Hello, sailor. Fancy a little fun?
By fun, I mean sex for money.
443
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,720
Not the face!
Not my characterful face!
You are dead! I'm going to kill you!
444
00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,160
You want to know what I think of
health and shitting safety, Donna?
445
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,320
Here's some cheese to attract rats.
446
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,760
Here's some lager to attract slugs.
447
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,680
And I've already fed the guinea fowl
from a plastic trough. Ha!
448
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,040
Excuse me, are you the manager here?
449
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,800
Yeah, why, who the hell are you,
bollock face?
450
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,040
Steve Shaw, health and safety.
451
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,360
Oh, how lovely to meet you.
I'm Mrs Keogh.
452
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,600
Welcome to my...
healthy and safe pub.
453
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,720
Janet, where shall I put this bomb?
454
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:26,080
So, Mrs Keogh, can you give me
one good reason why I shouldn't
shut this place down?
455
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,200
EASTENDERS DRUMS
35807
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