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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
What about being a sperm donor?
That's my dream job.
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,720
We need to protect our family.
3
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,600
We could be like those twins
in the East End.
4
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,720
You know, Ronnie and...Ronnie.
5
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,480
The Two Ronnies.
6
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:18,760
The sperm bank tested the
first sample that you gave and
it turns out that you're, erm...
7
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,040
Firing blanks?
8
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:22,480
Firing blanks?!
9
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:34,240
with bubbles in it
10
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,680
handle anything stronger now
11
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,640
Oh... Bar manager's
job going in The Archer.
12
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,800
God, I'd love a job.
Wouldn't you love a job, Jonny?
13
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,040
A wibbledy, wobbledy, wibbledy woo.
14
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,760
Sorry, were you talking to me?
Never mind.
15
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,640
I can't believe we created
something this beautiful.
16
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,760
I mean look at us,
we're completely hideous!
17
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:15,720
Yes, I know. It's a miracle, Jonny.
18
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,960
He is so worth the saggy tits
and the crepey stomach.
19
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,520
Thanks
20
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:25,360
The stretch marks that make you look
like a bald tiger. That's enough!
21
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,600
It's a compliment. Oh, really?
22
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,520
Then let me pay you a compliment.
23
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,240
You're a hateful wanker.
24
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,680
What japes! What's up with you?
25
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,280
I only said I find you less
physically attractive
26
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:40,520
since your body turned
into a relief map of the Pyrenees.
27
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,800
Great
28
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:45,280
I'll show you. I'm going for this
bar manager's job and I'll get it.
29
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,680
Not through qualifications
or determination,
30
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,440
but through the pure sexiness
of my womanny body.
31
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:53,960
Aw, look.
32
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,920
He's putting his little
hands down his nappy.
33
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,840
And now he's sniffing
his little fingers.
34
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,680
I wonder who he gets that from?
35
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:11,760
I don't believe this!
36
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:16,360
Another bloody job
interview ruined by those
patriarchal, misogynistic bastards.
37
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:19,080
I suppose you want to
do the man-hating ritual?
38
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,680
Why, yes, Gaz. Yes, I do.
39
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:25,240
You're scum! Scum! Scum!
40
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:26,360
Thank you.
41
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:28,920
Thank you. I deserved that.
42
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:32,120
There's a bloody glass ceiling
everywhere you look.
43
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,280
Why don't you apply for the
manager's job at The Archer?
44
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,600
You know what, I think I will.
45
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,560
And this time nothing
is going to stand in my way.
46
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,680
Not those patriarchal,
misogynistic bastards,
47
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:48,000
and not my sweet
and submissive nature.
48
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Fine.
49
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,280
I'm sorry,
50
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,600
you still upset over your low
sperm count? Look, look,
I went to the doctor's today
51
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,480
and I got you some leaflets on how
to get the swimmers to synchronise.
52
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,480
I just want a baby so much.
53
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,160
And the thought of never
being able to have one
54
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:10,560
makes me feel like a patriarchal,
misogynistic bastard.
55
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:13,440
Do you even know what
those words mean, Gaz?
56
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,880
No.
57
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,440
Hey, I'd be careful with that.
58
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,000
Don't do it naked.
You could end up entangled.
59
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,880
Like a helicopter crashing
into an elephant's ear.
60
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,600
What's up with you?
You've lost all your spunk.
61
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,080
Yeah, tell me about it.
62
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,520
I'm keeping my testicles cool.
63
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:49,160
There's no need for that. I've seen
your testicles, they're already cool.
64
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,160
When have you seen my testicles?
I have people.
65
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,800
They fax me photographs.
"Testes of the world."
66
00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:01,280
I've got quite a collection actually.
You, Emerson, Lake and Palmer...
Kathleen Turner...
67
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,240
but that's hush-hush.
68
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,920
Hey, what's that smell?
69
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,160
Oh, I'm eating foods
that are high in zinc...
70
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,080
like oysters.
71
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,760
You can't afford oysters!
72
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,800
Well, no, so I've bought myself
a packet of crab sticks.
73
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,160
Oh, so that's what the smell is.
74
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,560
Thank God for that,
I thought my nastiness was back.
75
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,600
A riggedy roggedy riggedy crop!
76
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,400
Pint? Yeah, go on, then.
77
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,200
You should see what
Corinthian's doing. It's so cute.
78
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,920
He keeps on putting his hands
down his pants
79
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,440
and then sniffing his finger.
80
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,760
I just remembered
I've got to do a...thing.
81
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,920
Weirdo.
82
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:55,320
Kelly, I've come to apply
for the position of bar manager.
Can I have a form?
83
00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,600
Kelly, I've come to apply for
the position of bar manager.
84
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,120
Can I have a...ooooo-ooooh?
85
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:06,280
Kelly, I've come to apply for
the position of pint drinker.
Can I have a pint, please?
86
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,160
What?
87
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:15,880
It's high in zinc.
88
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,880
Janet, he's picking his
nose and eating it again!
89
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,080
Baby needs zinc, Jonny.
90
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,080
Mm, qualifications...
91
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,600
Erm...
92
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:32,920
Oooooo-ooo-ooooh.
93
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,800
That should get the message across.
94
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,240
You people are revolting.
95
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,120
OK, stay where you are.
96
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,880
How's your mum doing, Lou?
97
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,920
Oh, you know. Still needs a kidney.
98
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,960
Still moaning and
seeing the Virgin Mary.
99
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:52,920
Still waiting for death's
cruel grip to tighten on the
vestige of her existence.
100
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,560
Boring. I'm getting a new car! Yay!
101
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,080
What? I didn't even know
you could drive.
102
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,640
How do you see over the steering
wheel? Of course I can drive...
103
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,320
I imagine.
104
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:09,000
Anyway, I'm thinking of
one of those new Beetles.
105
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:11,680
They speak to me in a way
the old ones never did.
106
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,760
Discounting Herbie, obviously.
107
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,400
So when are you going
to buy Herbie?
108
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,280
I'm not buying the actual Herbie.
109
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,080
No. Apparently, he went bananas.
110
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,360
Do you think that one's
bigger than that one?
111
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,280
Do you think that one could be
jealous? Aw, come on, cheer up.
112
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,840
No, I'm buying
the new Beetle on credit.
113
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,360
Once mum dies I'll pay it off
with her death money.
114
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,760
Louise, you don't know
she's going to die.
115
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,880
Come on, where's she gonna
get a kidney from?
116
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,120
Anyway... Ciao! See you.
117
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,440
Oh, all right kids, don't move!
118
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,520
Janet. You know Corinthian?
I know of him, Jonny, yes.
119
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,320
All these little things he does...
120
00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,920
his Corinthianisms? Yes, Jonny.
121
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:04,480
The sniffing of his fingers, the
eating of his nasal extractions,
122
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,920
the constant juvenile tugging
of his private parts...
123
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,440
Yes?
124
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,200
He's not got brown eyes
like me either.
125
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,640
Jonny, I've got to go.
They're set perfectly.
126
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,520
It's Gaz.
127
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,680
Corinthian takes after Gaz.
128
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,120
How am I going to put aside
my friendship with Janet?
129
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:41,960
I mean, I feel bad cos she's a
mate and that, but I've got to focus
completely on getting this job.
130
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:46,040
I shagged her.
That bitch is going down! Yes!
131
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,480
Thanks, Gaz. I'm going to be as
underhand and sneaky as I can.
132
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,240
Nothing is gonna get in my way.
133
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,240
HIGH-Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!
134
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,280
Oh... Won't be doing that again.
135
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,960
Did you manage to
source any oysters?
136
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,000
No, right. I thought to myself...
137
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,200
oysters, they have a shell.
138
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,720
What else has a shell? Eggs.
139
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,320
And...snails.
140
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:30,000
Sadly, there were no snails
available, so I thought, what's
the nearest thing to a snail?
141
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,760
A bucket of slugs?
142
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:37,240
Et voila! So for dinner today
I had slug omelette.
143
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,520
Or as I call it, sluglette.
144
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:44,040
What did it taste of?
145
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,240
Bit like...well,
146
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,440
like slug, really.
147
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:52,280
Then what happened?
I vomited for four hours.
148
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,840
I think the eggs were bad.
149
00:08:55,400 --> 00:09:00,680
Gaz, look, we'll talk later,
but I have a job to get.
150
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,440
So...
151
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,200
Why won't they move?
152
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:09,120
Patriarchal, misogynistic...
Nerr nerr nerr nerr nerr!
153
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:13,680
What are you doing here? Gaz...
I've got something to tell you.
154
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:20,000
There you go. I think you'll
find everything's in order.
155
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,160
"I deserve this job
because I am a sexy lady."
156
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,480
Bleleleleleleh!
157
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:31,200
Don't worry,
everybody lies on their CV.
158
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,320
All hail me!
159
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,160
Come on! Begin the hailing! Hail!
160
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,520
Pimp my ride!
161
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,600
Now, what would I like to drink?
162
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:49,440
What would the owner of
a brand-new Beetle like to drink?
163
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,920
One Marc Bolan special coming up.
164
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,680
You bought the car, then?
Let's go and have a look.
165
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:58,120
Oh, no need for you to move
your pretty little feet.
166
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,000
Just stay where you're stood, Frodo.
167
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,440
I have pictures.
168
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:04,920
Oh, it's beautiful!
169
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,880
How did you afford it?
170
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,000
My inheritance, of course.
171
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,080
So as soon as the mother's
kidney explodes or whatever...
172
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,240
yay for me!
173
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,200
So, you see,
174
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:24,480
it's only right that he should
be with his natural father.
175
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,600
How could he be mine?
176
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:33,040
Well, that's easy Gaz.
Let's you and I take a heartening
stroll down memory lane
177
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:37,200
to the glorious night you
slept with my wife. He's mine?
178
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:38,280
Yeah.
179
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,360
Mine?
180
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,760
Yeah.
181
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,320
He's mine.
Yes, Gaz! Yours, buggering yours!
182
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,800
Bloody buggering bastard yours!
Do you get it? Jonny, calm down.
183
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:57,000
You'll wake him up.
See, you're already a better dad.
184
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,680
I'm always waking him up.
185
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,040
So I can look at his eyes.
186
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:06,520
They're this gorgeous
greeny-grey, like the ocean...
187
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:12,120
..or the infected wound
of a gangrenous whore.
188
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,240
Jonny...
189
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,920
Jonny, listen to me.
190
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,240
I can't be Corinthian's dad.
191
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,080
My testicles aren't cool enough.
192
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,000
Yes, they are. Kelly showed me
the photographs.
193
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,000
You're no Kathleen Turner,
but they're more than adequate.
194
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,000
I know you're trying to make me
feel better, but look, he's even
got the same haircut as you.
195
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,480
He has, hasn't he?
196
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,320
So...you're giving him to me?
197
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,640
Yeah. It's too painful
to keep him around me.
198
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,960
Hey... Hey, cheers, mate.
199
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:00,320
I didn't get you anything.
200
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,520
Is there anything I can give you,
you know, in return, like?
201
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,880
Well...
202
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,360
I have always liked that T-shirt.
203
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:21,760
Go on, then. You look after
it for me, won't you?
204
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,240
I will.
205
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,040
Don't boil wash it.
206
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,040
And don't spill any food on it.
207
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,640
Don't stretch it, will you?
208
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,680
And don't leave it
on a bus and that.
209
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:33,400
Yeah.
210
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,000
The same goes.
211
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,880
Make sure you iron it
inside out as well.
212
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,400
Yeah, don't do that.
213
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,720
Right, young man.
214
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,360
Yes...
215
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,600
We have to do something
about that name.
216
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,520
Your name is now...
217
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:02,080
..Bruce.
218
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,120
After my favourite action hero...
219
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:06,880
Fiona Bruce.
220
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,720
Well done on getting this far.
We never expected such
a high calibre of candidates.
221
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,440
Bleleleleleleh!
222
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,120
But we have to narrow it down for
the second round of interviews.
223
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:26,760
I'm afraid, Arthur,
you didn't make it.
224
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,160
Come on, Arthur, let's stick you
behind the bar for a lie down.
225
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:37,080
If I may just interject...
Sorry, if I may just...
226
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,840
It hurts me to reveal this to you,
227
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:44,320
but this woman is a druggie.
228
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,640
Yeah. She's a skank whore.
229
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:52,400
She is Lucy in the sky with drugs.
230
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,240
What's going on? Oh, yes.
231
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:59,400
Janet Keogh. Or, as she's
known round here, Janet Gakko.
232
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,040
She loves a bit of Charlie.
233
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,520
A bit of the old Colombian
marching powder. A bit of snow.
234
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,280
No, I don't!
235
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:11,800
Well, I do like snow,
but only because I like
watching old people fall over.
236
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,360
Well, I think you'll find these
pictures tell a different story.
237
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,800
That's not me, that's Keith Richards.
238
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:23,000
It looks like you.
Yes, because you've stuck a picture
of my head over his!
239
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,240
Yes, these are quite obviously fakes.
240
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,360
I think someone's been taking
you for a ride, Miss Henshaw.
241
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,440
Ms. Pardon?
242
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,280
Ms. That's a funny noise.
243
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,560
You can call me anything you want.
244
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:39,760
Bleleleleleh!
245
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,880
I prefer that noise.
246
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,240
Arthur, I told you
to grease it first.
247
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,200
Excuse me a moment.
248
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,120
That was sneaky, Donna Henshaw.
249
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:57,440
Why did you do that? As my heroine
says, "Dem bitches that don't
gots it, don't deserve nottin'!"
250
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,840
and I dare you to refute
the words of Lorraine Kelly!
251
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:06,440
If you're employing underhanded
tricks like that, then I'm going to
underhanded trick you right back.
252
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,960
What, gonna tell him I'm single,
with no dependents
253
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,360
and therefore perfect to work as
a bar manager? Oh, I'm afraid
254
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,680
No. I'm gonna show him
how bad your temper is.
255
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,520
I'm going to provoke and provoke you
until you burst into flames.
256
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,040
And then I'll professionally
put you out using a fire blanket.
257
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,560
And then I'll professionally
perform CPR on you.
258
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:30,160
And then I'll go and watch some old
people fall over. Because I like it!
259
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,840
Well, we'll begin the last
interview this evening.
260
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,640
And I think we're down to you two.
261
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,160
What happened to Kelly?
262
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:42,760
I just watched her perform an
unspeakable sexual act on Arthur.
263
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,560
And now I'm going to watch it again.
264
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,680
I didn't think it'd be this hard.
265
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:58,560
I thought it'd be like, giving
up smoking or killing a piglet.
266
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,880
But this is well difficult.
267
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:03,440
It's only been two hours
and I'm dying.
268
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,440
What if Gaz moves away and
I never see Corinthian again?
269
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,800
I'm talking to an elf.
270
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,680
What a day! I know, but I
had no idea you could speak.
271
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,280
God!
SQUEAK!
272
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,960
I think Donna's gonna get this job.
Not if the job is elf-slayer!
273
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,160
What?
No, I don't want to talk about it.
274
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,480
I just want a cuddle off my son.
275
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:33,400
The only thing that could possibly
make me feel better. Where is he?
276
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,960
He's out with his mates.
277
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,120
You know what kids
are like these days.
278
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,520
Jonny. Is he in his room?
279
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,000
He's in a room.
280
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,280
What's going on?
281
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,160
God, what have I done?
282
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,400
I've given him to Gaz. What?
283
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,480
You just gave our baby to Gaz?
Well go back and get him!
But he's the father!
284
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,640
His sperm's obviously
stronger than mine.
285
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:03,480
And Corinthian puts his hands down
his pants and sniffs them, like Gaz.
286
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,240
And he picks his nose, like Gaz.
287
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,000
That's science, Janet.
You can't argue with science!
288
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:14,560
Jonny, that's not what being
a dad's about. Think about it.
289
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:16,760
Who comforts him when he cries?
290
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,760
Who rubs Bonjella on his
little gums when he teethes?
Who soothes his colic?
291
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,600
Why, the good people at
Johnson & Johnson, of course!
292
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:26,400
No, Jonny, you do.
293
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,080
No, I don't, that shit's boring.
294
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,520
OK, well I do. But you're there.
295
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,520
You love him. He loves you.
296
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,720
He wakes up just to look at you.
297
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,120
You're the dad, Jonny.
298
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:44,840
But he's got the same
eye colour as Gaz. He's got
the same eye colour as...
299
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:49,520
And he's got the same taste in
music. All babies love death metal.
300
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,000
OK, look. Think about it like this.
301
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,800
If me and Corinthian were both...
On fire, who would I piss on first?
302
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,680
No, I was going to say... Corinthian!
I need to piss on me son!
303
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,200
Janet!
304
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,800
Somebody's stolen my car
and it wasn't insured!
305
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,400
Oh, no, what you gonna do?
306
00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,440
The only thing I can do. Pray.
307
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:14,120
Oi, God!
308
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,120
Where's my car!
309
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,360
And while you're up there, what's
with making Barrymore famous again?
310
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,480
Hello!
311
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,480
Hello!
312
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,320
Yeah.
313
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,440
Being's a dad's easy, in't it?
314
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:44,400
I can't STAND Janet Keogh!
315
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,440
If I ever see anything that so much
as reminds me of her ever again
I swear I will kill.
316
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,200
AND I'm a trained killer.
317
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:56,560
I could kill her with one finger,
if I stuck it right in her brain
and then wiggled it about!
318
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,160
What's that?
319
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,640
It's a sheet.
320
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,680
What's under the sheet?
321
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,160
Ah, it's your birthday present.
322
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:17,040
It isn't my birthday for months.
323
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:18,640
I know.
324
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,520
It's just...
BABY CRIES
Aigh!
325
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,120
Gaz, what's under there?
It's just a...
326
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,560
BABY CRIES
Oooaigh!
327
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,120
Pardon?
328
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,640
I said "oooaigh".
329
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,280
Is that who I think it is?
330
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,440
Happy Birthday!
331
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,120
What's he doing here?
332
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,800
Jonny gave him to me,
333
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,920
for a T-shirt.
334
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:53,120
Gaz, I'm not going to
lose my temper.
335
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,280
But if that baby isn't out
of here when I get back,
336
00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:01,240
I will make sure you are never
capable of having kids of your own.
337
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:05,360
But I'm not capable of
having kids of my own!
338
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,480
I'm not.
339
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,200
And what was your fetid
offspring doing in my house?
340
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,560
Had he escaped from his sty?
341
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:24,720
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe he misheard when I told him he
could go and see a complete zitch.
342
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,920
Zitch isn't even a w...
343
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,520
I'm not losing my temper.
344
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,320
Oh, Donna.
345
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,080
Donnery Donnery doo-doo.
346
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,080
Do you remember the time when
I slept with your boyfriend?
347
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,040
You're not going to make me angry.
348
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,440
Can I give you a bit of advice?
349
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,640
You can do what you want, Janet.
350
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:53,080
You see, the thing is, Gaz told me
that you're a bit of a
"bag of spuds" in the bedroom.
351
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,960
Right. So, two words.
352
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,840
Try moving.
353
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:03,920
He likes it!
354
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:06,560
I hate you, Janet Keogh.
355
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,640
But I'm not losing my temper.
356
00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,160
Right, the second round of interviews
is a role-playing exercise.
357
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:17,880
Donna if you could be an awkward
customer. And Janet, if you could
deal with her as best you can.
358
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,200
And... Scene.
359
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,920
Good day, sir, I'd like to complain.
360
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,520
I see.
361
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,040
And what is the nature
of this complaint?
362
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,320
Is it the fact that
your tits don't move?
363
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:39,440
Why, no. 'Tis because your child's
hideous face makes me feel sick.
364
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:44,800
You know that scene from the Fly,
where Jeff Goldblum, as said fly,
365
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:49,040
vomits his fly juice onto that fella
and that fella's arm dissolves?
366
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:54,160
I'm aware of the scene.
That's what Corinthian looks like.
367
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:57,240
How may I obtain
compensation for this?
368
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:01,560
You zitch!
369
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,960
BABY CRIES
And why won't you shut up?
370
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,320
God, I've fed you!
Babies love chewing gum.
371
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,840
CRYING STOPS
372
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:16,720
That's better, that's better!
373
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,160
BABY STARTS CRYING
374
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,720
Come on!
375
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,720
You've been burped, changed, fed.
376
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,920
I gave you a beer. What do you want?
377
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,320
What do you want?
378
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,440
You want your dad, don't you?
379
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,480
Yeah.
380
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,840
And I miss me T-shirt.
381
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:44,640
Let go! You let go!
I can't, I've got my hand stuck
in your very enormous hair!
382
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,240
If one of us doesn't let go,
383
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:50,400
then neither of us
are going to get the job.
384
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:51,920
You're right.
385
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:04,040
Thank you
for listening to my complaint.
386
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,800
And thank you for
your feedback, madam.
387
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,320
I suppose we've blown it, have we?
388
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,240
Not at all. Brawling is an integral
part of a bar manager's job.
389
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,440
It's obvious I'm right for this job.
I'm better qualified!
390
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,880
I was manager of a bakery once.
Yes, before you got up the duff!
391
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,400
That's right!
Janet Keogh, brrreeeeder!
392
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:29,280
You have a family? Yep, give it up
Janet, you've lost. This
puts a different slant on things.
393
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:34,200
A very different slant.
I'm single with no dependents.
394
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,680
We've found that people with families
tend to stick around longer.
395
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,000
Career girls move on more quickly.
But...
396
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:43,240
Also, they spend half the time
sleeping with the customers,
397
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,960
which leaves the customers
less time to spend their money.
398
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,760
You patriarchal misogynistic
bastard!
399
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,720
How dare you imply that any woman
would subjugate herself
400
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,360
in that manner just because
she worked behind a bar!
401
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:56,920
I'm feeling fruity.
402
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,880
Anybody got a spare erection?
403
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:06,040
I'm a slave to him. What can I say?
Nothing beats a bit of Arthur.
404
00:24:06,040 --> 00:24:10,280
So, Janet,
if you're happy to take the job,
I guess we've found our candidate.
405
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:11,880
Well, that's it.
406
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,600
I am never setting foot
in this pub again. Never!
407
00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,400
Well, good. Cos I was
gonna bar you anyway.
408
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,800
Jonny.
Gaz I've made a terrible mistake.
409
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,320
I need him back.
That's what I was coming to tell ya.
410
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,120
I love him.
I can't stop thinking about him.
411
00:24:34,120 --> 00:24:36,560
I get these butterflies for him.
412
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,120
See. He really likes them.
413
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,960
Plus, Janet sort of misses him too.
414
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:48,360
I can't be Bruce's father.
415
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,600
Who's Bruce?
416
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,280
I can't be Corinthian's dad.
417
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:03,200
I have a very low sperm count.
418
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,840
Firing blanks, Jonny.
419
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,360
Oh.
420
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:12,640
I may never be able to have
children, may never
be able to start a family.
421
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,480
God.
422
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,560
And the worst...
423
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,520
The wost thing is, that's...
424
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:22,280
all I want.
425
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,960
In the whole world.
426
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,520
Apart from me T-shirt back.
427
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,560
God. Gaz...
428
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,240
Look, I don't know what to say.
429
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,040
Other than...
430
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:41,400
'Av it!
431
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:42,760
You big jaffa!
432
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,480
Who's the daddy?
433
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,120
Who is the Daddy?
434
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,320
It's me!
435
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:54,400
Jonny! Take that, Janet!
Take my superior load! Oh, yeah!
436
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,000
Come on, Corinthian,
we're going home.
437
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,600
Suck my fully functioning balls!
438
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,680
See ya, Bruce. Oh, yeah.
439
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,960
And here's your T-shirt back.
440
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,480
You boil washed it!
441
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,240
So I got the job!
442
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,760
I'm gonna be following
in the footsteps of
Peggy Mitchell, Bet Lynch...
443
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,440
Kelly.
444
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,040
That is great.
445
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:25,920
You know what, I have a feeling
everything's going to be OK.
446
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,560
Although usually when I say that,
something awful happens.
447
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:33,000
Janet! Help me! Ta da!
448
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,720
My prayers went unanswered.
449
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,480
They found my car.
450
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,320
It's a total write-off.
451
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:43,080
The worst thing is,
the driver was killed.
452
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,040
God. Louise, that's awful.
453
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:50,760
I know and the worster than
worst thing is,
he had two jolly nice kidneys. Two!
454
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,840
And they're using them now,
on me mum. She's gonna live.
455
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,400
Oh, that's brilliant news!
456
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,440
I'm ten grand in debt.
457
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,400
My life is finished!
458
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,080
Well, this calls for a celebration!
459
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,120
How do we usually celebrate?
460
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,800
Well, we used to have sex.
461
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,880
But that's out the window what
with my crepey stomach and
my bald tiger stretch marks.
462
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,160
No. I'll just look into your eyes.
463
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,960
Your beautiful greeny-grey eyes.
464
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,640
Aww, Jonny. That's lovely.
465
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,800
Like the infected wound
of a gangrenous whore.
466
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,880
Get upstairs!
467
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,400
Where's my Grant?
468
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,840
What the bloody 'ell
is going on in my fah-mly?
469
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,400
Can't really do the voice.
36168
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