Original subtitles

What about being a sperm donor? That's my dream job.

We need to protect our family.

We could be like those twins in the East End.

You know, Ronnie and...Ronnie.

The Two Ronnies.

The sperm bank tested the first sample that you gave and it turns out that you're, erm...

Firing blanks?

Firing blanks?!

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Oh... Bar manager's job going in The Archer.

God, I'd love a job. Wouldn't you love a job, Jonny?

A wibbledy, wobbledy, wibbledy woo.

Sorry, were you talking to me? Never mind.

I can't believe we created something this beautiful.

I mean look at us, we're completely hideous!

Yes, I know. It's a miracle, Jonny.

He is so worth the saggy tits and the crepey stomach.

Thanks

The stretch marks that make you look like a bald tiger. That's enough!

It's a compliment. Oh, really?

Then let me pay you a compliment.

You're a hateful wanker.

What japes! What's up with you?

I only said I find you less physically attractive

since your body turned into a relief map of the Pyrenees.

Great

I'll show you. I'm going for this bar manager's job and I'll get it.

Not through qualifications or determination,

but through the pure sexiness of my womanny body.

Aw, look.

He's putting his little hands down his nappy.

And now he's sniffing his little fingers.

I wonder who he gets that from?

I don't believe this!

Another bloody job interview ruined by those patriarchal, misogynistic bastards.

I suppose you want to do the man-hating ritual?

Why, yes, Gaz. Yes, I do.

You're scum! Scum! Scum!

Thank you.

Thank you. I deserved that.

There's a bloody glass ceiling everywhere you look.

Why don't you apply for the manager's job at The Archer?

You know what, I think I will.

And this time nothing is going to stand in my way.

Not those patriarchal, misogynistic bastards,

and not my sweet and submissive nature.

Fine.

I'm sorry,

you still upset over your low sperm count? Look, look, I went to the doctor's today

and I got you some leaflets on how to get the swimmers to synchronise.

I just want a baby so much.

And the thought of never being able to have one

makes me feel like a patriarchal, misogynistic bastard.

Do you even know what those words mean, Gaz?

No.

Hey, I'd be careful with that.

Don't do it naked. You could end up entangled.

Like a helicopter crashing into an elephant's ear.

What's up with you? You've lost all your spunk.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I'm keeping my testicles cool.

There's no need for that. I've seen your testicles, they're already cool.

When have you seen my testicles? I have people.

They fax me photographs. "Testes of the world."

I've got quite a collection actually. You, Emerson, Lake and Palmer... Kathleen Turner...

but that's hush-hush.

Hey, what's that smell?

Oh, I'm eating foods that are high in zinc...

like oysters.

You can't afford oysters!

Well, no, so I've bought myself a packet of crab sticks.

Oh, so that's what the smell is.

Thank God for that, I thought my nastiness was back.

A riggedy roggedy riggedy crop!

Pint? Yeah, go on, then.

You should see what Corinthian's doing. It's so cute.

He keeps on putting his hands down his pants

and then sniffing his finger.

I just remembered I've got to do a...thing.

Weirdo.

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position of bar manager. Can I have a form?

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position of bar manager.

Can I have a...ooooo-ooooh?

Kelly, I've come to apply for the position of pint drinker. Can I have a pint, please?

What?

It's high in zinc.

Janet, he's picking his nose and eating it again!

Baby needs zinc, Jonny.

Mm, qualifications...

Erm...

Oooooo-ooo-ooooh.

That should get the message across.

You people are revolting.

OK, stay where you are.

How's your mum doing, Lou?

Oh, you know. Still needs a kidney.

Still moaning and seeing the Virgin Mary.

Still waiting for death's cruel grip to tighten on the vestige of her existence.

Boring. I'm getting a new car! Yay!

What? I didn't even know you could drive.

How do you see over the steering wheel? Of course I can drive...

I imagine.

Anyway, I'm thinking of one of those new Beetles.

They speak to me in a way the old ones never did.

Discounting Herbie, obviously.

So when are you going to buy Herbie?

I'm not buying the actual Herbie.

No. Apparently, he went bananas.

Do you think that one's bigger than that one?

Do you think that one could be jealous? Aw, come on, cheer up.

No, I'm buying the new Beetle on credit.

Once mum dies I'll pay it off with her death money.

Louise, you don't know she's going to die.

Come on, where's she gonna get a kidney from?

Anyway... Ciao! See you.

Oh, all right kids, don't move!

Janet. You know Corinthian? I know of him, Jonny, yes.

All these little things he does...

his Corinthianisms? Yes, Jonny.

The sniffing of his fingers, the eating of his nasal extractions,

the constant juvenile tugging of his private parts...

Yes?

He's not got brown eyes like me either.

Jonny, I've got to go. They're set perfectly.

It's Gaz.

Corinthian takes after Gaz.

How am I going to put aside my friendship with Janet?

I mean, I feel bad cos she's a mate and that, but I've got to focus completely on getting this job.

I shagged her. That bitch is going down! Yes!

Thanks, Gaz. I'm going to be as underhand and sneaky as I can.

Nothing is gonna get in my way.

HIGH-Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Oh... Won't be doing that again.

Did you manage to source any oysters?

No, right. I thought to myself...

oysters, they have a shell.

What else has a shell? Eggs.

And...snails.

Sadly, there were no snails available, so I thought, what's the nearest thing to a snail?

A bucket of slugs?

Et voila! So for dinner today I had slug omelette.

Or as I call it, sluglette.

What did it taste of?

Bit like...well,

like slug, really.

Then what happened? I vomited for four hours.

I think the eggs were bad.

Gaz, look, we'll talk later, but I have a job to get.

So...

Why won't they move?

Patriarchal, misogynistic... Nerr nerr nerr nerr nerr!

What are you doing here? Gaz... I've got something to tell you.

There you go. I think you'll find everything's in order.

"I deserve this job because I am a sexy lady."

Bleleleleleleh!

Don't worry, everybody lies on their CV.

All hail me!

Come on! Begin the hailing! Hail!

Pimp my ride!

Now, what would I like to drink?

What would the owner of a brand-new Beetle like to drink?

One Marc Bolan special coming up.

You bought the car, then? Let's go and have a look.

Oh, no need for you to move your pretty little feet.

Just stay where you're stood, Frodo.

I have pictures.

Oh, it's beautiful!

How did you afford it?

My inheritance, of course.

So as soon as the mother's kidney explodes or whatever...

yay for me!

So, you see,

it's only right that he should be with his natural father.

How could he be mine?

Well, that's easy Gaz. Let's you and I take a heartening stroll down memory lane

to the glorious night you slept with my wife. He's mine?

Yeah.

Mine?

Yeah.

He's mine. Yes, Gaz! Yours, buggering yours!

Bloody buggering bastard yours! Do you get it? Jonny, calm down.

You'll wake him up. See, you're already a better dad.

I'm always waking him up.

So I can look at his eyes.

They're this gorgeous greeny-grey, like the ocean...

..or the infected wound of a gangrenous whore.

Jonny...

Jonny, listen to me.

I can't be Corinthian's dad.

My testicles aren't cool enough.

Yes, they are. Kelly showed me the photographs.

You're no Kathleen Turner, but they're more than adequate.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but look, he's even got the same haircut as you.

He has, hasn't he?

So...you're giving him to me?

Yeah. It's too painful to keep him around me.

Hey... Hey, cheers, mate.

I didn't get you anything.

Is there anything I can give you, you know, in return, like?

Well...

I have always liked that T-shirt.

Go on, then. You look after it for me, won't you?

I will.

Don't boil wash it.

And don't spill any food on it.

Don't stretch it, will you?

And don't leave it on a bus and that.

Yeah.

The same goes.

Make sure you iron it inside out as well.

Yeah, don't do that.

Right, young man.

Yes...

We have to do something about that name.

Your name is now...

..Bruce.

After my favourite action hero...

Fiona Bruce.

Well done on getting this far. We never expected such a high calibre of candidates.

Bleleleleleleh!

But we have to narrow it down for the second round of interviews.

I'm afraid, Arthur, you didn't make it.

Come on, Arthur, let's stick you behind the bar for a lie down.

If I may just interject... Sorry, if I may just...

It hurts me to reveal this to you,

but this woman is a druggie.

Yeah. She's a skank whore.

She is Lucy in the sky with drugs.

What's going on? Oh, yes.

Janet Keogh. Or, as she's known round here, Janet Gakko.

She loves a bit of Charlie.

A bit of the old Colombian marching powder. A bit of snow.

No, I don't!

Well, I do like snow, but only because I like watching old people fall over.

Well, I think you'll find these pictures tell a different story.

That's not me, that's Keith Richards.

It looks like you. Yes, because you've stuck a picture of my head over his!

Yes, these are quite obviously fakes.

I think someone's been taking you for a ride, Miss Henshaw.

Ms. Pardon?

Ms. That's a funny noise.

You can call me anything you want.

Bleleleleleh!

I prefer that noise.

Arthur, I told you to grease it first.

Excuse me a moment.

That was sneaky, Donna Henshaw.

Why did you do that? As my heroine says, "Dem bitches that don't gots it, don't deserve nottin'!"

and I dare you to refute the words of Lorraine Kelly!

If you're employing underhanded tricks like that, then I'm going to underhanded trick you right back.

What, gonna tell him I'm single, with no dependents

and therefore perfect to work as a bar manager? Oh, I'm afraid

No. I'm gonna show him how bad your temper is.

I'm going to provoke and provoke you until you burst into flames.

And then I'll professionally put you out using a fire blanket.

And then I'll professionally perform CPR on you.

And then I'll go and watch some old people fall over. Because I like it!

Well, we'll begin the last interview this evening.

And I think we're down to you two.

What happened to Kelly?

I just watched her perform an unspeakable sexual act on Arthur.

And now I'm going to watch it again.

I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I thought it'd be like, giving up smoking or killing a piglet.

But this is well difficult.

It's only been two hours and I'm dying.

What if Gaz moves away and I never see Corinthian again?

I'm talking to an elf.

What a day! I know, but I had no idea you could speak.

God! SQUEAK!

I think Donna's gonna get this job. Not if the job is elf-slayer!

What? No, I don't want to talk about it.

I just want a cuddle off my son.

The only thing that could possibly make me feel better. Where is he?

He's out with his mates.

You know what kids are like these days.

Jonny. Is he in his room?

He's in a room.

What's going on?

God, what have I done?

I've given him to Gaz. What?

You just gave our baby to Gaz? Well go back and get him! But he's the father!

His sperm's obviously stronger than mine.

And Corinthian puts his hands down his pants and sniffs them, like Gaz.

And he picks his nose, like Gaz.

That's science, Janet. You can't argue with science!

Jonny, that's not what being a dad's about. Think about it.

Who comforts him when he cries?

Who rubs Bonjella on his little gums when he teethes? Who soothes his colic?

Why, the good people at Johnson & Johnson, of course!

No, Jonny, you do.

No, I don't, that shit's boring.

OK, well I do. But you're there.

You love him. He loves you.

He wakes up just to look at you.

You're the dad, Jonny.

But he's got the same eye colour as Gaz. He's got the same eye colour as...

And he's got the same taste in music. All babies love death metal.

OK, look. Think about it like this.

If me and Corinthian were both... On fire, who would I piss on first?

No, I was going to say... Corinthian! I need to piss on me son!

Janet!

Somebody's stolen my car and it wasn't insured!

Oh, no, what you gonna do?

The only thing I can do. Pray.

Oi, God!

Where's my car!

And while you're up there, what's with making Barrymore famous again?

Hello!

Hello!

Yeah.

Being's a dad's easy, in't it?

I can't STAND Janet Keogh!

If I ever see anything that so much as reminds me of her ever again I swear I will kill.

AND I'm a trained killer.

I could kill her with one finger, if I stuck it right in her brain and then wiggled it about!

What's that?

It's a sheet.

What's under the sheet?

Ah, it's your birthday present.

It isn't my birthday for months.

I know.

It's just... BABY CRIES Aigh!

Gaz, what's under there? It's just a...

BABY CRIES Oooaigh!

Pardon?

I said "oooaigh".

Is that who I think it is?

Happy Birthday!

What's he doing here?

Jonny gave him to me,

for a T-shirt.

Gaz, I'm not going to lose my temper.

But if that baby isn't out of here when I get back,

I will make sure you are never capable of having kids of your own.

But I'm not capable of having kids of my own!

I'm not.

And what was your fetid offspring doing in my house?

Had he escaped from his sty?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe he misheard when I told him he could go and see a complete zitch.

Zitch isn't even a w...

I'm not losing my temper.

Oh, Donna.

Donnery Donnery doo-doo.

Do you remember the time when I slept with your boyfriend?

You're not going to make me angry.

Can I give you a bit of advice?

You can do what you want, Janet.

You see, the thing is, Gaz told me that you're a bit of a "bag of spuds" in the bedroom.

Right. So, two words.

Try moving.

He likes it!

I hate you, Janet Keogh.

But I'm not losing my temper.

Right, the second round of interviews is a role-playing exercise.

Donna if you could be an awkward customer. And Janet, if you could deal with her as best you can.

And... Scene.

Good day, sir, I'd like to complain.

I see.

And what is the nature of this complaint?

Is it the fact that your tits don't move?

Why, no. 'Tis because your child's hideous face makes me feel sick.

You know that scene from the Fly, where Jeff Goldblum, as said fly,

vomits his fly juice onto that fella and that fella's arm dissolves?

I'm aware of the scene. That's what Corinthian looks like.

How may I obtain compensation for this?

You zitch!

BABY CRIES And why won't you shut up?

God, I've fed you! Babies love chewing gum.

CRYING STOPS

That's better, that's better!

BABY STARTS CRYING

Come on!

You've been burped, changed, fed.

I gave you a beer. What do you want?

What do you want?

You want your dad, don't you?

Yeah.

And I miss me T-shirt.

Let go! You let go! I can't, I've got my hand stuck in your very enormous hair!

If one of us doesn't let go,

then neither of us are going to get the job.

You're right.

Thank you for listening to my complaint.

And thank you for your feedback, madam.

I suppose we've blown it, have we?

Not at all. Brawling is an integral part of a bar manager's job.

It's obvious I'm right for this job. I'm better qualified!

I was manager of a bakery once. Yes, before you got up the duff!

That's right! Janet Keogh, brrreeeeder!

You have a family? Yep, give it up Janet, you've lost. This puts a different slant on things.

A very different slant. I'm single with no dependents.

We've found that people with families tend to stick around longer.

Career girls move on more quickly. But...

Also, they spend half the time sleeping with the customers,

which leaves the customers less time to spend their money.

You patriarchal misogynistic bastard!

How dare you imply that any woman would subjugate herself

in that manner just because she worked behind a bar!

I'm feeling fruity.

Anybody got a spare erection?

I'm a slave to him. What can I say? Nothing beats a bit of Arthur.

So, Janet, if you're happy to take the job, I guess we've found our candidate.

Well, that's it.

I am never setting foot in this pub again. Never!

Well, good. Cos I was gonna bar you anyway.

Jonny. Gaz I've made a terrible mistake.

I need him back. That's what I was coming to tell ya.

I love him. I can't stop thinking about him.

I get these butterflies for him.

See. He really likes them.

Plus, Janet sort of misses him too.

I can't be Bruce's father.

Who's Bruce?

I can't be Corinthian's dad.

I have a very low sperm count.

Firing blanks, Jonny.

Oh.

I may never be able to have children, may never be able to start a family.

God.

And the worst...

The wost thing is, that's...

all I want.

In the whole world.

Apart from me T-shirt back.

God. Gaz...

Look, I don't know what to say.

Other than...

'Av it!

You big jaffa!

Who's the daddy?

Who is the Daddy?

It's me!

Jonny! Take that, Janet! Take my superior load! Oh, yeah!

Come on, Corinthian, we're going home.

Suck my fully functioning balls!

See ya, Bruce. Oh, yeah.

And here's your T-shirt back.

You boil washed it!

So I got the job!

I'm gonna be following in the footsteps of Peggy Mitchell, Bet Lynch...

Kelly.

That is great.

You know what, I have a feeling everything's going to be OK.

Although usually when I say that, something awful happens.

Janet! Help me! Ta da!

My prayers went unanswered.

They found my car.

It's a total write-off.

The worst thing is, the driver was killed.

God. Louise, that's awful.

I know and the worster than worst thing is, he had two jolly nice kidneys. Two!

And they're using them now, on me mum. She's gonna live.

Oh, that's brilliant news!

I'm ten grand in debt.

My life is finished!

Well, this calls for a celebration!

How do we usually celebrate?

Well, we used to have sex.

But that's out the window what with my crepey stomach and my bald tiger stretch marks.

No. I'll just look into your eyes.

Your beautiful greeny-grey eyes.

Aww, Jonny. That's lovely.

Like the infected wound of a gangrenous whore.

Get upstairs!

Where's my Grant?

What the bloody 'ell is going on in my fah-mly?

Can't really do the voice.