Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

My name's Louise, and I'm an alcoholic.

How can you stay with someone who doesn't want kids?

Because I can get a baby. I know how to go about it.

I will have my heir!

Donna won't have my baby.

I've come to reclaim Corinthian.

with bubbles in it

I can't believe that happened.

Gaz walking in here, demanding our baby.

It was a bit crazy, wasn't it?

No, Jonny, I'll tell you what was crazy.

What was crazy was you handing the baby over.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

What possessed you?

I don't know. I was watching Channel Four the night before...

Don't you dare blame Derren Brown for this, Jonny. Don't you dare.

I'm sorry. At least Gaz didn't get very far though.

Did he, rusky chops, no?

What if he comes back dressed as a washerwoman?

Why would I let a washerwoman into the house? You let that one in.

Get out! We can't afford your wares.

You're right, Janet. We've got to stop letting people into this family.

It's us against the world. Yes, we need to protect our family.

We could be like the mafia. Or those twins in the East End,

Ronnie and...Ronnie.

The Two Ronnies.

We don't need anybody else.

We can wash our own clothes,

and grow our own food.

I intend to become a farmer. I'm going to start now.

Goodbye, Janet. Goodbye, Corinthian.

Goodbye from me and goodbye from him. Goodbye.

Gaz, I don't need this. I've got a job interview.

Gaz, what did you expect?

How could you possibly think Jonny and Janet would hand over their first born son?

Maybe I should have said "please".

Look, this is a real problem. We've got to sort it out.

How? I need to reproduce and you want to work for a living.

How do we get over your selfishness?

Well, if it's just a need to reproduce, have you thought about becoming a sperm donor?

Just think, you'd be getting paid for attending a masturbatorium.

That's my dream job.

Who needs one baby? This time next year I could have thousands!

Yeah, so you're going to do it?

Make a messy deposit down the wank bank?

Yeah. Thank you, Donna, yeah. This is a big sacrifice for you.

No, it's fine. What I mean is, if I'm paying all my sperm in at Barclays,

there's going to be none left to spend all over you.

Well, I've thought about that, too.

And there is an answer. Have you heard of tantric sex?

It's the one where you go all night without having an orgasm.

No, you go all night and it's one long orgasm.

Increasing in intensity, hour after hour, wave after wave of deep sexual pleasure.

It takes a while to learn though. You don't get there straight away.

Good. Cos when you were describing it, I got there straight away.

Pint of booze, please.

Whoa! You were going to do it, weren't you?

You were going to hand over a pint of booze to a card-carrying recovering alcoholic.

It's one in the afternoon. If I weren't serving alcoholics, I'd be out of a job.

And what if I were to ask you for a big bag of heroin?

That'll knock you back a pony. Take it away!

Shame. It's good shit.

Don't you realise what danger you're in, selling that stuff?

Some Colombian drugs baron might turn up and...

wipe yo' ass.

I've got this as back-up.

What if someone wrestles it off you?

I've got this as back-up!

Oh, my God! Oh, it's not loaded.

No, it's not loaded.

Donna, did you see that? She just pointed a gun at me.

That Kelly. She's a one.

I didn't realise what a dangerous world this is.

But since I began to recover from my alcoholism, I've come to see that in a very real way, I'm all alone.

Just me, and the alcohol,

that I don't drink.

It's times like this you really need your friends.

Friends are the new family.

Donna!

That's smashing, Lou, but I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Forget it, friends aren't the new family. Family is the new family.

And I'm going to find a new family and be friends with it.

Yeah, good luck with that.

So where's Gaz?

Too scared to face me?

Too humbled by my awesome family-protecting power?

No...he's just had to nip to the bank. Will he manage a pint?

I'd be very impressed if he did.

What? He's at the sperm bank, Jonny.

Hey, it's £15 a pop. You should give it a go.

I would, but Janet's got a thing about me masturbating for money,

ever since that incident at the garden centre.

What incident? Well, it's a long story.

A man gave me money to masturbate.

Actually, it's a short story.

Anyway, I'd best get back to work. I'm sorry, back to what?

Work. I've got a job.

Bloody hell, Jonny. Congratulations. As what?

A farmer.

The best way to provide for the family is to grow what we need.

It's given me a whole new perspective. Hold on.

It's given me a whole new perspective on life.

And what are you growing?

Mainly crops.

What kind of crops? All kinds.

Leafy crops.

Wheaty crops.

Croppity crops.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?! It's me, Louise.

Prove it!

What?

How do I know you're not Gaz? Do I sound like Gaz?

You might be on helium.

You might have come to steal Corinthian again.

Put your fingers through the letterbox. Why?

So I can sniff them.

Gaz's fingers have a very specific and unique aroma.

Of Gaz's bollocks.

Just taking a few sensible precautions.

You probably think it's a bit extreme. I don't actually.

It's nice to feel safe. I've just had a gun pointed at me.

That Kelly.

She's a one.

And Jonny and Donna weren't interested.

You're all I've got, Janet. The only one who really cares.

Aw, Lou. You've got such a wonderful life here, and you're right to be protective.

We do try to be as warm and as welcoming as we can.

As far as I'm concerned, you can be a part of our family.

Take your thieving hands off my...

I mean, would you like a fig biscuit?

Good morning. Is this the sperm bank?

We're a fertility clinic, sir.

Just say it's a sperm bank though.

It's a sperm bank.

Then I'd like to open an account.

Fill this in.

It's just like a real bank, innit?

I heard you were looking for sperm donors, so I came as quickly as I could.

Beats keeping it all under the mattress, eh love? Any more?

No, that's it.

OK, so what happens next?

Fill this up.

I heard there were magazines.

That's correct.

We've got Hello and People's Friend for the easily aroused.

Razzle and Penthouse for the mainstream.

Eskimo Housewives and Deaf Lesbians for the specialist market.

Sir?

You had me at Hello.

I'm going to get a guard dog. That should keep Gaz away.

No, not a guard dog...a guard sheep!

Don't worry about Gaz. Cos once we're having tantric sex all night

he'll be, as the Hindu mystics say, shagged out.

Good. I didn't realise how obsessed he was with having kids.

Well, you should have done. True, all the classic signs were there.

The holes in the condoms. The fake contraceptive tablets.

The ice cube tray full of semen at the back of the freezer compartment.

Lovely. That was one margarita that didn't need salt.

KNOCK AT DOOR Jonny's home! Positions, Janet!

Perform the secret knock.

Being part of this family is so exciting.

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING

KNOCKING CONTINUES

BELL RINGS

It's Jonny. You're insane. No, we're not.

Is this a carrot in my pocket or do I have a misshapen orange penis?

Which?

Both. Oh, well done, Jonny!

And I'm glad you're here to see it,

Miss I Don't Believe You're A Farmer, And I Have Little Faith In Your Ability To Grow Croppity Crops.

You've grown that today, have you? Yep.

Well, Jonny, clearly I was wrong to doubt you.

Yes, you were. Well done, Jonny.

Such a wonderful family, aren't they?

You're insane. The lot of you.

That's what YOU say. I say, "Eat my carrot." Go on, eat it!

Gaz? Gaz, are you awake?

Of course I'm awake. We're having sexual intercourse.

Right, sorry.

Are you experiencing wave after wave of intense sexual pleasure?

Not so much really, no.

Are you? Not yet.

There was something about half an hour ago, but I think it was pins and needles.

Shall we knock it on the head? No! That would well hurt!

But it's been hours and hours.

We should try moving around a bit.

Give it another 10 minutes.

If nothing happens, I'll stick my finger up your arse.

How will I know it's been 10 minutes? You'll know.

There's your cider. Thank'ee.

What-ee? And what's with the swedes?

I know! They're a crazy nation and no mistake.

Get these root vegetables out of my pub! They won't be here long.

Once word gets round of what I'm doing. What are you doing?

Farmer's market.

I've become completely self-sufficient.

Like...that guy off the telly. In the Seventies. Curly hair.

Spent all his time in his back garden. Fred West. That's the one.

That'll be £2 for the cider, please.

I haven't got cash. We take cheques.

Haven't got a cheque. Debit card, Switch, luncheon vouchers, stamps,

gold ingots, Vietnamese Dongs, Euros, non-negotiable bearer bonds?

I'll gladly give you this leek.

Right, out! No, I'm bartering.

I offer you a leek, you demand a turnip.

We haggle for a while and then you settle on an aubergine.

Are you prepared to settle on an aubergine?

Jonny, people don't come to this pub to swap veg.

They come for the drink and the crack and I sell them drink and crack.

Now, get out!

Yes, hello, police.

It's Janet Keogh.

We're all still fine.

I'll call you again in an hour. Thanks.

Sorry about that, Donna. Anyway, it was the most boring night of my life.

For the first three hours we just sat on the floor staring at each other.

Or rather, I stared at Gaz staring at my tits.

I got so bored I started squeezing them together to make him go cross-eyed.

You need to make more effort to keep him happy and keep his smelly fingers off my family.

KNOCK AT DOOR What's the secret knock, Jonny?

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING BEGINS

Hello. Hello.

We need to change the secret knock. The washerwoman's cracked it.

Look, I've told you, we cannot afford your wares! Now, shoo.

I'm off to seduce Gaz. Wish me luck. Good luck.

Louise? Isn't it about time you were leaving?

Oh, no. I'm staying all day.

We've made chocolate cornflakes, haven't we, Janet?

Yes, and don't they look delicious! Can I lick the bowl, please? Can I?

She's lonely. I'm just helping her out.

And she's a useful person to have around. How?

Because if Gaz comes back... I can get him in a headlock.

While Janet punches him repeatedly in the face. That's lovely.

Gaz, I've brought some whipped cream, some whipped caramel and some whips.

MYSTICAL EASTERN MUSIC

And I'm going out with a woman.

I know you're afraid. It's all right to be afraid.

Embrace your fear.

I'm not afraid Gaz, I'm frustrated.

I'm very, very frustrated.

It's all right to be frustrated.

Embrace your frustration. I'd rather embrace something else.

And here's a clue as to what that might be.

Your cock.

Sorry, life partner. My righteous seed is all going to the bank.

They take all your details so they can track you down.

I hope that in 18 years from now, some fine man or woman will turn up on my doorstep and call me Dad.

Well, that's very nice.

He'll want to know the story of how he came into the world. So...

I took this video to show him.

And there's the money.

Don't be ashamed, Donna. The vital force is within us all.

Well, put some in me then! Come on, Gaz...

a good old-fashioned seeing-to, like the old days, remember?

When we used to race against the Countdown clock.

True fulfilment lies in stillness and time.

One can not attain true karmic balance unless you're prepared to wait.

Have you been reading up on this?

Ommmmmmmmmm.

Oh, god!

Do we have to do this? Those crops won't crop themselves.

Yes, we do, we've hardly any photos of the family.

It'll be handy for the newspapers if one of us gets snatched.

That's lovely. Both move in a bit.

Nice smiles.

Beautiful. Um, Louise, can we have one of just the family now?

Oh, OK. I hope you don't mind.

Of course not.

Ready? And...

That's more like it.

Louise is here a lot these days, isn't she? I suppose so.

And that's brilliant.

I love Louise.

But on the other hand, I really hate her.

So can you send her home now? I told you before.

She needs her friends around her.

Can I stay here tonight, Janet? No.

Oh, please. I'm bored of visiting my comatose mother whacked out on painkillers all day.

You're a farmer, you know what it's like tending vegetables.

Still no. And Gaz might come round in the night and steal the baby.

Of course you can stay, Louise. Thanks, Mum.

What? What?

What? Did you just call her Mum?

Don't be silly. Why would I do that?

Now then, Louise, who wants to go and help reset the man-traps? Me, me, me!

Listen, Louise.

I don't know what psychological problem you've got,

but Janet is not your mum. She's mine and don't you forget it!

Morning, Janice. My usual beaker please, love.

Magazine?

Got the new Razzle in this morning.

You can have first splash.

Thank you, no.

I don't need magazines. My vital energies can flow by themselves.

Go in peace.

You look exhausted. So would you if you'd been up all night.

The seduction techniques worked?

Bet he was an animal after all this time.

Yes, a panda.

Just sat there for eight hours impaled like a static kebab.

And still no orgasm?

Well, not until well after he'd left.

Look, just keep him happy, Donna. Don't let him get restless.

You're not still stressed over him claiming the baby?

No. He did us a favour actually.

He's brought us closer together as a family.

If you say so. But I am worried about you.

Why? Because you seem to have replaced your baby with some kind of root vegetable.

It's a swede.

Can you see how that's slightly unusual behaviour?

It's a decoy. If Gaz returns to snatch him, all he'll get is this swede and Corinthian is quite safe.

Where is he? Louise!

You've gone barmy. You've gone too far into Geri Halliwell land, Janet.

You've got to get out of this house. Oh, that's your plan, is it?

I suppose Gaz is waiting behind the wall... Gaz isn't waiting anywhere.

You've said the baby's safe here with Louise. Just come for a drink.

It's what normal, non-crazy parents do.

All right. Louise, lock the door behind me.

If I'm not back in an hour, call the police.

And if Gaz comes back, remember the drill.

You've been practicing?

No. I bought a drill.

Mr Wilkinson?

Are you all right in there? Yes.

Um, are you nearly finished?

I'm getting there.

It's just that you've been in there six hours.

We're about to lock up.

Just...five more minutes.

I really think I should be at home.

You think you've got problems. My boyfriend refuses to have proper sex with me.

I can do you some powdered rhino horn for 20 quid.

Are you sure Corinthian's going to be all right back there?

Corinthian is perfectly safe. No-one's going to steal him -

not Gaz, not me, not the washerwoman.

Look, we can't afford your wares! Now shoo! Shoo!

So stop worrying about kidnapping! How can I, Donna?

Babies get stolen all the time. You hear about it in films.

Janet, if someone's going to steal your baby, they don't just walk in your house and ask for it.

That's the stupid thing to do. That's the Gaz thing to do.

So what would happen?

Well, it'd most likely be a woman. Someone lonely. Someone without a family of her own.

And she wouldn't just barge in. She'd act like a friend, get under the radar. Oh, my god.

What? I've been blind. All this time I've been frightened of Gaz

when the real danger was sat next to me eating chocolate cornflakes.

Not her.

Louise! Don't you see? What are you talking about? Kelly.

I need you to get something for me.

and never to part

would move heaven and Earth

DOOR SLAMS

Janet, guess what I milked!

Oh.

You're still here. Course I am. I live here.

Louise, I want you out.

Not so sure about that, Jonny.

Perhaps we should talk about your farming first.

What about it? Very good at growing vegetables, aren't you, Jonny?

I know my onions.

Bringing home swedes, watermelons, a coconut.

Janet must be very proud.

It'd be a shame if she saw this.

I can't believe you'd keep a receipt for one carrot.

Damn VAT returns!

So I'm afraid I'll be staying until Janet asks me to leave.

And I can't see that happening, can you?

Get out of my house!

You had me for a while but I know your little game, and it's over.

Janet, I'm so sorry. It was only a few trips to the greengrocers.

Not you, her. Oh, right. Guess what I milked?

You don't scare me, Janet. You wouldn't hurt me.

Oh, that gun's not even loaded.

Oh, yeah? Then how come it can do this?

CLICK

Nice one, Kelly.

BANG!

I'm sorry, Janet.

I didn't do anything but I'm sorry and I'll never do it again.

Jonny, you can have your mum back. Aaaaargh!

BABY CRIES

Oh Jonny, what have I become?

A mental bitch.

I was only trying to make our lives better.

Janet, you can't make this family any better than it is.

Because we're perfect already? No, because we're shit.

We keep trying to improve ourselves and it never works. Let's just enjoy the shit.

But what if someone tries to break up our family again?

That's the beauty of it. The crapper we are, the less likely anyone will be jealous of us.

Our feebleness makes us stronger.

Jonny, that's almost intelligent.

Now tell me what you've milked.

Well, I said we'd become self-sufficient, and we have.

Janet...

I milked myself.

That's it, it's all over for me and tantric sex. What?

I've been in that wank tank all day and not one ounce of cock snot.

Gaz. I want my old life back. Come on, let's do it,

no foreplay, no cuddling, I want nought to sticky in 10 seconds.

Gaz. We have to. Otherwise the sperm bank's going to close my account.

They're going to close it anyway.

What?

They sent you this letter today. I opened it, as I do all your post.

Oh, Britannia sent you "The Best of Ella Fitzgerald".

The sperm bank tested the first sample that you gave

and it turns out that you're...

Firing blanks.

Firing blanks?!

You wouldn't think they'd use that phrase in a formal letter.

All them future Gazes. Never to be born, eh?

All that time I've wasted when I could've been banging you rigid.

Gaz, I'm so sorry.

Ah, well, at least they don't want their money back, eh?

There's a...PS on the back.

I've come to apply for the position of bar manager. Can I have a form?

I've come to apply for the position of bar manager.

Can I have a ooohhhhh?