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1
00:00:01,920 --> 00:00:03,720
Daddy!
2
00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,440
Marry me, Donna. Please.
3
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,200
Yes.
4
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,240
Yes. Would you mind leaving us to...
5
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,120
Hel-lo...!
6
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:14,480
Are you...a gay?
7
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,760
Well, yes. Because I'm not.
8
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,640
This is the ugliest thing
I have ever seen.
9
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,520
Never speak to me again!
10
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,200
Give me a drink
11
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:35,320
With bubbles in it
12
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,760
Handle anything stronger now
13
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,960
You look pretty.
14
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,400
Thanks, Kelly.
15
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,600
How could Louise's dad
mistake me for a gay?
16
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:19,480
How dare he lust after
my undelved sphincter
like an illicit bird of prey?!
17
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:25,400
Me, the most macho of men
in all of Runcorn town.
18
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,320
Maybe it's your clothes.
19
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,720
Oh, it's Janet's.
20
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:38,040
The polycotton blend feels
like angels dry-humping my skin.
21
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:43,840
Maybe it's the way you talk.
But I'm always talking
about manly stuff!
22
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:48,960
Only the other day
I commented on the dinkiness
of the Fiat Cinquecento.
23
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:53,360
Or maybe, just maybe,
you're the tiniest bit effeminate.
24
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,440
Moi!?
25
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,520
I have never been so insulted.
I'm aggrieved Gaz. Aggrieved!
26
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,840
..Oh - how gay am I?!
27
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:10,480
What am I gonna do?
Don't worry about it. You're married
with a kid, like Tom Cruise.
28
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,240
No-one's going to think you're gay.
29
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:17,000
Right, it's time to masculine up
a bit. From now on it's
macho all the way.
30
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,040
I'm going to be the meanest
bitch on the block.
31
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,840
So, bro...
32
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,400
What's happening with...
33
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,200
yo?
34
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,320
Urban!
35
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:36,000
Well, I've been contemplating
suicide since Donna walked out
on our wedding ceremony.
36
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,000
Oh, because it was, er...wank?
37
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,520
No, it was marvellous.
We had cauliflower and everything.
What more could a woman want?
38
00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:50,320
Maybe you should try doing
something a bit smaller to
celebrate your relationship. Yeah,
39
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,960
we could have a...
We'll have a baby together.
40
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:57,200
That's small! That's only, like,
four inches long.
41
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,040
Who's Mummy's lickle babba?
42
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,560
Who is it? Who's a big strong boy?
43
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,160
Peek a boo!
44
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,680
There he is! Yes, he is.
45
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,960
Yes, he is! Yes, he is!
46
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,000
Yes, he is! Yes, he is!
47
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,600
Yes he is!
48
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,400
HE GETS IT!
49
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:25,760
What? Janet, what's happened to you?
You're like a doormat
to that baby and Jonny.
50
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:30,120
You're about to say, "Yes, he is"
again, aren't you?
51
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,600
Yes, I was!
52
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,040
You've got to take back control.
53
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,760
Oh, I'm quite happy looking after
my husband and smothering my baby.
54
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,560
With love, obviously.
55
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,480
I mean, sometimes I feel
a little caged in.
56
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,400
A little like a badger
stuck in a mantrap
57
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,840
that one day breaks free and rips
out the throat of its cruel captor
58
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,000
whose name is, coincidentally,
Jonny.
59
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,680
Then do something about it.
Stop being pushed around.
60
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,000
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
61
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,360
From now on, I will do the pushing.
62
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,760
Practising.
63
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:12,440
Have you seen this? It says
the Pill can cause side effects.
64
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,120
Everyone knows that.
65
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,440
Yes, they do. Yes, they do.
66
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,360
Sorry, Donna.
67
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,640
It exaggerates everything bad
about being a woman.
68
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:29,480
It can cause thrombosis,
it can give you mood swings, it can
make you enjoy the music of Dido.
69
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:36,200
Also it says it makes you put on
weight. And there is no way on God's
earth I'm going over a size eight.
70
00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:41,480
I've refused far too much mayonnaise
for that. Right, I'm coming off
these buggers immediately.
71
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,080
But...are you sure?
72
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,200
Are you sure? Are you sure?
73
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,000
Sorry. So, what are you
going to use instead?
74
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,800
All the methods have the same
effects don't they? Except one.
75
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,440
Pulling out?
76
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,880
No that one's not effective.
77
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,000
Is it, Janet Keogh?
78
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,560
Er, the rhythm method?
79
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:08,480
Er, no that one's not effective.
Is it, Catholics
of the Republic of Ireland?
80
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,160
Then what? Condoms, obviously.
81
00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,480
But men don't like them.
82
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,560
And watching them put them on!
83
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:22,600
Poor things, they think you're
laughing at their penis rather than
the disgruntled look on their face.
84
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,840
He'll get used to them.
85
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,720
Then use the glow-in-the-dark ones.
86
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,440
That should make his face light up.
87
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,720
I can't believe you're having
a shit in a bar!
88
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,040
I'm not! I'm being macho.
89
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,600
Hello, Gaz. Hello, Gayboy.
90
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:58,640
Why's Jonny having a shit in the bar?
91
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,480
I'm not gay!
92
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,960
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to make my wife
respect my heterosexuality.
93
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,840
Also, I followed through a little
bit and I need changing.
94
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,760
Kelly, a glass of wine. Large.
That's not like you.
95
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:26,600
I know. I'm here to drown my sorrows.
I discovered my father - the bummer -
is an alcoholic.
96
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,640
Aww! Mine too! Hey, you do know
alcoholism is hereditary?
97
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:34,760
It's passed down the family
like a gin-soaked pearl necklace.
98
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:38,480
Sweet, innit? Oh, that's
preposterous. I'll never be an alky.
99
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,800
My only addiction is to heroin.
100
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,680
Sorry, I don't mean heroin,
I mean shopping.
101
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,440
Right - woman!
102
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:56,120
Make me some meat-based food
and worship my genitalia.
103
00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,120
What?
104
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:06,080
You heard. I am Man, hear me roar.
Jonny, what's this about?
105
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,320
I've been emasculated enough
by the likes of you.
106
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:13,120
And random British Afro-Carribean
homosexuals of a West Indian origin.
107
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:17,440
What?
I'm going to go back to the days
when men were men and woman were...
108
00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:18,720
shorter.
109
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,480
You're my bird. Service me, bitch.
110
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:29,840
Jonny, Donna says you have no right
to talk to me like that. Oh, right.
111
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,680
OK. Well, you've asked for this.
112
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,600
Roarrrrr!
113
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,240
Listen, I am sick to death of
being pushed around by you.
114
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,960
So, from now on, you're the one
who'll get pushed. Watch.
115
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,320
Aww, look at the little girl.
Does she want her mummy
to make it better?
116
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:51,840
Janet, don't. Look at the big girl
pushing the little baby around.
Doesn't she like it? No she doesn't.
117
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:56,400
Stop it! Look, Corinthian.
Mummy's bullying Daddy and there's
nothing he can do about it. Don't!
118
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,680
God, Jonny, you're such a big gay!
NO!
119
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,240
Thing is Arthur, I've always admired
you, both as a man
120
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:15,520
and as a man. I can't believe
you're pissed on one glass of wine.
121
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,120
Your face looks so funny, Joyce.
122
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,840
My name's Kelly.
123
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,320
I know perfectly well
what your name is, Joyce.
124
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:29,560
Maybe you should just take yourself
off home, eh? No, I want me booze.
125
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,560
I've got to block out the pain
of the alcoholic father.
126
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,920
He was an alcoholic you know.
127
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,040
I know, we've been talking about it
all afternoon.
128
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:44,160
You should really ought to watch
that you don't end up like him.
Like what? An alcoholic.
129
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:45,840
Are you?
130
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:52,240
That's a coincidence - my father
was an alcoholic. No! You're...
131
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,200
Louise, you have a problem
with alcohol.
132
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,320
Nonsense! I'm at my zenith.
133
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:01,000
I've got my freaky buzz on.
134
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,480
Oh, God! I'm using addicts' words.
135
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,120
Buzz and zenith.
136
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,240
It's true!
I do have a problem with alcohol.
137
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,760
To recovery!
138
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,480
Awwww.
139
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,080
Look at that new mum
breastfeeding her baby.
140
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,600
If only that little munter
would move its head.
141
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,960
Still, one for the scrapbook.
142
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,640
Gaz, I'll go straight to the point.
I'm coming off the Pill.
143
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:46,800
That's weird.
You've only just gone back on it.
No I haven't. Yeah, you have.
144
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:50,400
No point being on it when
we were apart, cos you didn't sleep
with anyone else.
145
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:52,880
Yeah, anyway, the Pill.
146
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:57,160
Whoa, whoa what? It's not important.
I don't even remember his name,
147
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,400
Tony.
148
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:02,240
Tony! What, Tony like the tiger?
149
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,360
He certainly was.
150
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,920
Oh, it's like that is it, Donna?
151
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,080
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I shall be in my room.
152
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,360
Gaz. I can't believe
you're doing this to me!
153
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,600
That's it!
I'm babbying you up for definite now!
154
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,640
You're what? Babbying you up.
I'm sorry, it's a medical term
155
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,520
that means bowling one up you
and hitting a strike.
156
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:35,520
Yes, I got the complicated
medical jargon. But why do you need
to bowl one up me?
157
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:41,160
Because some other man has
pissed up your lamppost
and I need to cock my leg on you.
158
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:45,200
Well, despite the incredibly poetic
imagery, you most certainly are not!
159
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:49,080
I'm not getting pregnant,
there is no way on God's earth
I am going over a size eight.
160
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:54,080
And yours, Gaz, is just one
of the many portions of mayonnaise
I shall be refusing.
161
00:10:55,600 --> 00:11:00,800
I can't go without sex! That's
cruelty. I'm not asking you to go
without sex. Look here.
162
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,920
99% effective against pregnancy.
163
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:07,200
I got extra thick.
So, put one on, lie on the bed...
164
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,960
and I'll be in the bathroom
giggling.
165
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,480
You n-nearly...hit me...in the gob!
166
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,720
I-I...know.
167
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,360
I'm a...horrible h-husband.
168
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,400
You are.
169
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,440
I could've...hurt you.
170
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,440
In the gob.
171
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:44,480
No...y-you...couldn't. You...hit
172
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,840
like a girl.
173
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:53,120
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
Why did I do this? Why?
174
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,440
I don't know.
Shall I call the police?
175
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:59,640
Yes. Yes, I deserve to be stuck
in a cell.
176
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:04,720
I deserve to have my sphincter
delved, I'll call Louise's dad.
No, no, no. What?
177
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,600
You went to hit me
because I was provoking you.
178
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,640
Don't you remember? Like this.
"God Jonny, you're such a big gay."
179
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:13,800
ARRRGH! AH!
180
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:20,480
I'm really sorry, Jonny. Oh,
don't make excuses for the bastard,
Janet. Violence is violence.
181
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,400
I'm not making excuses.
182
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,280
Not at all. What you did was wrong.
183
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:29,760
But it was because you got angry.
I think you have a problem
with anger management.
184
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:33,040
No, I have a problem
with hitting tiny, little women.
185
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,880
I'm a monster.
And not a friendly one
186
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,400
like Brian Blessed.
187
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:42,960
I think what you need is something
to temper your testosterone,
188
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:47,600
to chill you out. And I think
I know exactly what to use.
189
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:55,760
So, the first step
is admitting you have a problem.
190
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,680
I have a problem!
191
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,280
This is easy.
192
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:04,400
Step two, admitting you are
powerless over alcohol.
193
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,240
I am powerless over alcohol!
194
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,320
What the hell was George Best going
on about?
195
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,360
This is a piece of piss.
196
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,160
Mmm, cheeky.
197
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,640
You sneaky beast!
198
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,560
Damn you, Chianti!
Damn you to hell!
199
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,120
Well, that was rubbish.
200
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,760
What you talking about?
I had a great time.
201
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,320
Yeah you did. "Oh, Gaz, harder,
harder give it to me, I'm your slut."
202
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,280
I would never say that.
203
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,960
I provide my own audio.
204
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,200
Well, what was wrong with it?
205
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:46,520
Look at him, Donna.
206
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,880
Poor fella's still dry.
207
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,560
So?
208
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:56,760
So, what's the point in one
going for a "swim" in the "ocean"
209
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,200
if one doesn't...
210
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,200
come.
211
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,400
Well, that was a subtle metaphor.
212
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,120
This ain't gonna work, Donna.
213
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:10,560
I'm not going back on the pill.
Do you want me to die
of a blood clot on the brain?
214
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,240
If it means I get a half
decent shag out of it then...
215
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,760
I'm not going to finish
that sentence.
216
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:20,800
If you can come up with a better
and safe method of contraception,
I'll be happy to try it.
217
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,520
But until then, condoms. But how am
I supposed to secretly babby you up
218
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:28,760
through the hole I cut in the
jizz-bag, if I can't even come when
I'm wearing the said jizz-bag?
219
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,000
What?
220
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,960
I didn't say anything.
Not a word, nothing.
221
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:44,560
You bastard! How dare you violate
my body like that!
222
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,600
You were the one screaming,
"Faster, Gaz, faster!
223
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:52,120
"Ride it like the fat girl
at gymkhana!" No, I didn't.
224
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,600
I provide my own audio.
DOOR SLAMS
225
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,680
Ciao chavs!
226
00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:01,440
Now, step eight
in my treatment for alcoholism.
227
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:05,320
I have to apologise to everyone
I've hurt. Louise, go away.
228
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,520
Donna, I love you.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
229
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:11,760
- Ah! That's my line!
- Would you piss off?!
230
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:13,920
Listen, Donna...
231
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,120
Do you mind?
232
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,840
Talk to me. Gary Wilkinson,
233
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:23,960
let me tell you now, you will never,
ever, EVER babby me up.
234
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,800
Because I'm never going to have sex
with you again. Now GET OUT!
235
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,080
Out!
236
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,720
Excuse me.
237
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,840
What'll it be, Tony?
238
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,360
Tony?
239
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:53,360
Eh, Tony, do you remember that time
when Donna got shitfaced and let you
shag her in the carpark?
240
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,240
I've just had the worst row
with Donna. She won't have my kids.
Jonny doesn't row any more.
241
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:03,280
He's very laid-back. Now, what would
non-angry Jonny say to naked Gaz?
242
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:08,360
He'd say, "Well Gaz,
maybe you should try WOOING HER!"
243
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,480
And she had this other fella while we
were split up, so I thought the right
thing to do was put my stamp on her,
244
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,560
you know, with my sperm.
But Gaz, that's not the way...
245
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,600
..to make her pregnant.
246
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,000
What's wrong with your voice?
247
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,160
Well, Gaz... I mean,
248
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,000
..well Gaz...
249
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:32,320
Janet, you'd better explain. Right,
well, Jonny's been being a bit too
angry lately, a bit too much
250
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:37,640
of a bastard. So I've given him
a shedload of Donna's old
contraceptive pills.
251
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,680
Trouble is, he seems to be going
through puberty again, in reverse.
252
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,360
I've had eight wanks today.
253
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,920
What's that got to do with anything?
254
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,040
Nothing, I'm just really proud.
255
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:55,040
Maybe it wasn't the best idea,
feeding you a near-fatal dose
of female hormones.
256
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,560
You know, I'm in the mood
to listen to some Dido.
257
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,160
You - home.
258
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,160
- But I haven't finished...
- ...my pint.
259
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:11,440
Right Jonny.
I have the perfect solution
to your anger management problem.
260
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,600
SHE HUMS A FANFARE
261
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,400
Contemporary dance?
262
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:24,360
No! Massage.
I will relieve all your tension
and frustration through massage.
263
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:26,120
But Janet, isn't massage a bit...?
264
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,000
Oh-h...
265
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,960
Nice one, it's working.
266
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,760
Arhhh-flap.
267
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,760
Brilliant. Ah.
268
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,920
Oh! Ooh, OK, now that's a bit....
269
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,080
Oh! OK, now that...
270
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,840
The Swedes actually use sticks to
beat each other with during massage.
271
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:46,880
I read it in Chat magazine,
alongside an article about a woman
who grew her own coffee table.
272
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,920
The Swedes, eh? Do they?
273
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:50,080
Arghh!
274
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,160
I found it on a policeman.
275
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:57,960
Janet! I didn't let Louise's dad
near me with his truncheon,
I'm certainly not gonna let you.
276
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,760
God Jonny, you're such a big gay!
277
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,000
ARRGH!
278
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,760
What have I become?
279
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,920
BABY CRIES
Oh! I'm sorry, Corinthian. So sorry.
280
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,440
Ah, who's daddy's precious
little boy? Is it you?
281
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,640
Yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it...
282
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:18,480
Jonny that's it! If you excuse me,
I was having a rather significant
philosophical debate with my son.
283
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,080
Yes, I was, yes, I was, yes,
I was... No, no, listen.
284
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:28,440
You never display anger when you're
around Corinthian. All you have to
do is be around him. All the time.
285
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:33,040
That'd never work. I couldn't stand
to spend all my time around our...
286
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:37,040
..precious little beautiful bundle
of joy.
287
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:40,080
Would I? Yes, I would, yes,
I would, yes, I would...
288
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,400
You're such a big gay...
289
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,720
Perfect.
290
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,720
Gaz.
291
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,600
I have achieved a state
of Zen-like stillness.
292
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:59,640
I wish to celebrate this
with the imbibing of large
amounts of alcohol. You what?
293
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:05,680
The perfect serenity
on an infant's visage
can teach us all the virtue of...
294
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,200
you know, not smacking Janet.
295
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:12,280
You're right, you know.
Babies are ace.
296
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,720
If only Donna'd have one
she'd be well chilled out.
297
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:20,560
Still no luck hitting her treble
twenty with your liquid love dart?
298
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:25,720
No. She's never gonna agree
to have my kid.
299
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:30,520
Well, Gaz, maybe you should
look to the child for the solution
to all your problems.
300
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,920
That's it!
301
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,800
Donna hates the pill,
because it has side effects.
302
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:44,520
I'll pretend I've found a new,
safe pill, but I'll use a placebo!
303
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,440
You got all that from Corinthian
doing his "burp me" face?
304
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,400
Louise, who are these people?
305
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,800
This is an AA meeting, Kelly.
306
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,120
You picked a pub as the location
for an AA meeting?
307
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,680
Obviously! It's what they know.
308
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:09,280
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about
to start my new life of sobriety.
309
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,040
Welcome! New friends, ladies,
gentlemen,
310
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,640
fellow pissheads.
311
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,320
My name's Louise,
312
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,520
and I'm an alcoholic.
313
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,600
Thank you!
314
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,240
It all started a couple of days ago.
315
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,400
I had two glasses of wine.
316
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,240
Yes, two whole glasses.
317
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:41,360
Can I just remind everyone, ladies
and gentlemen, that we do have an
offer on today?
318
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:44,200
Buy two glasses,
get the rest of the bottle free.
319
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,560
Listen not to her,
for she speaks the devil's language!
320
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,080
I don't!
321
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,040
I'm just saying it's a good offer.
322
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,640
And one drink never hurt anyone
now, did it?
323
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,600
First drink on the house.
324
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,040
Well, it's been a long time,
I might be OK.
325
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,680
No! Bad alky! Sit, alky, sit.
326
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,000
Desist!
327
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:09,480
Oh, give me the glass,
I might as well accept
my inevitable denouement.
328
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:11,920
Mmm, cheeky.
329
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,600
Donna! What a lovely surprise!
You asked me here, Gaz.
330
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:26,480
I was putting flowers
on my mum's grave and you made me
come all the way back.
331
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,360
Are you sure? Or did you just come
back cos you can't stay mad at me?
332
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,840
No, Gaz. You phoned and said you
had your head stuck in a colander.
333
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:41,560
I see no colander, so goodbye!
No, wait, wait. What? I have
something for you. Sit down.
334
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,600
I went to the doctor's, and he gave
me these new contraceptive tablets.
335
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,400
They're called Spunk Stop.
336
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,120
Eat one, let's have sex.
337
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,480
Gaz, this is a jelly bean.
338
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:59,720
You can't do this. You can't just
trick me. Having a kid takes a lot
of thought. It didn't with Janet.
339
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,920
Go any further
and I will bite your eyes off.
340
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,240
Listen, we both know that there's
a chance that Corinthian is mine...
341
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,640
I don't wanna talk about... Well we
have to talk about it, now shut up!
342
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,680
Please.
343
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,880
Fine. This is really uncomfortable
for me, so talk fast.
344
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:25,920
We both know that Corinthian might be
mine and that we both have problems
sorting that in our heads.
345
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,520
It'd be a helluva lot easier
if you have a baby of your own.
346
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,240
I don't wanna be Corinthian's dad, I
want Jonny to be Corinthian's dad but
347
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,680
I do think I'd be a really good dad
to any of our kids because I wanna
348
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,760
keep you and I do keep losing you and
the only way I can be sure of keeping
you is to babby you up big style.
349
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,440
Do I have any time left?
350
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,040
A little bit.
351
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:42,880
Then, as an afterthought, I love you.
352
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,040
Well, that was very moving, Gaz.
353
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,320
And speedy.
354
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,280
Thanks. My tongue hurts a bit.
355
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,120
I didn't know you felt like that.
356
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,400
Donna, out of the hundreds and
hundreds of women I've slept with...
357
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:04,240
Hundreds? Out of the seven women
I've slept with,
358
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:10,520
it's never been as good as it is with
you, because I love you - more than
anything. You know, it's like...
359
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,080
it's like we bond somehow.
360
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:16,880
And don't you think that we do
in bed should be used for something
a little bit more constructive?
361
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,000
Like making a baby?
362
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:22,560
OK.
363
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,880
I love flipping... stuff.
364
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:31,880
Stuff is so god-bag amazing.
365
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,680
Brrrrrrr! I don't know.
366
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,160
Louise, you're wankered.
367
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,360
You should get off home.
368
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,600
I'm not drunk. I need some cats.
369
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,240
We need precisely seven...
370
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:49,840
I forget the rest of the plan.
371
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:57,480
Louise, you're completely off your
face. You should be ashamed of
yourself. Yes, thank you, Kelly.
372
00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:01,640
I'm pleased someone round here's
speaking sense. Not them, you.
373
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:06,240
These people are enjoying a nice
drink after their Alcoholics
Anonymous meeting
374
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,840
and you, Janet Keogh,
are ruining it for them.
375
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,960
It's a disease.
A really brilliant disease.
376
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,320
We get pissed
377
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,960
and nobody minds,
because we're poorly.
378
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:24,840
Right, that's it. I'm taking
you home. No, you're not. Come on,
you! Hey! Stop her!
379
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:29,000
She's stealing my justification!
Yeah? And what are you gonna do,
eh?
380
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:34,440
You're drunk, you're rowdy,
you're bigger than me,
you're standing up... oh, shit.
381
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,040
That was fab.
382
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,440
Fab?! What kind of word is fab?
383
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,360
It's a word that takes
little energy to say.
384
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,240
What are you doing?
385
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,960
Just, er... just having a jelly
bean, a new type of jelly bean.
386
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:59,240
Is that the morning-after pill?
No...it's...a...jelly bean.
387
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:04,000
Medicine flavoured. I can't believe
you'd take the morning-after pill
after all we talked about!
388
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,200
I'm sorry. It's just...
389
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:12,360
such a hard decision and...
Oh, so what are you saying, Donna?
What, is it me?
390
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:16,440
Is it you don't want my genes
because I'm a bit dim?
391
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,960
Well Gaz, it's not that I don't want
your babies...
392
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:21,880
Then don't eat the pill.
It's that I don't want any babies.
393
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:25,560
You know how most little girls
play with dollies and prams? Yeah?
394
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,520
I had potatoes.
395
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,640
I just... I don't want children.
396
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:36,800
I'm not in the slightest bit
maternal, it's just not gonna happen
for me. It's nothing to do with you.
397
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,600
Please.
398
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,280
Don't take the pill, Donna.
399
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,960
Oh... Look, I'm sorry.
400
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,600
Does this mean we have to split up?
401
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,720
How can you stay with someone
who doesn't wanna have kids?
402
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,680
Because... I can get a baby.
I know exactly how to go about it.
403
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,680
I WILL HAVE MY HEIR!
404
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,880
Stand still! Arghh!
405
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,960
What's going on?!
Jonny! This man's gonna hit me!
406
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,520
Ooh! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Now, just hold on a minute.
407
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:13,360
Listen you. I've been where you are.
I've felt the sin of wrath against
this woman.
408
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,720
But, despite the fact that
she is a little bit annoying,
409
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,800
I've become a peace lover, a
pacifist, a conscientious objector.
410
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:24,280
How the bugger is that gonna help us
against this violent piss-head?
411
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:28,880
I think if he just takes
a little look in this here crib,
he'll see the error of his ways.
412
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:34,720
For gazing upon a child's
unsullied humanity can teach us
the benefit of tolerance to man.
413
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:39,800
Jonny!
414
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:46,760
Where's Corinthian? I dropped him
round your mum's. Lucky, really.
415
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,600
Oh, ickle babba!
416
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,440
Who's Daddy's little man? Is it you?
417
00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:01,880
Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.
418
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,920
Does this look a bit gay?
419
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:06,400
No, not at all.
420
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:10,640
It's the most manly thing
in the world. ..Aww.
421
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,240
Thanks for seeing off that bloke
before. Well, you know.
422
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:17,400
A little bit of violence
never hurt anybody.
423
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:20,720
Except for those people who get
punched and that.
424
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,640
All right, Gaz? What's up with you?
425
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:30,560
Donna won't have my baby.
Oh, don't worry about that. She'll
come round, they always do..
426
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,600
If she doesn't - little bit of
Benylin Drowsy in her tea -
works a treat.
427
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,240
Yeah, well, that's not
why I'm here, Jonny.
428
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,320
I've come to reclaim Corinthian.
429
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:49,160
I've become self-sufficient,
like that guy off the telly.
430
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,320
In the '70s. Curly hair. Spent
all his time in his back garden.
431
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,000
Fred West. That's the one.
432
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,800
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