Original subtitles

Daddy!

Marry me, Donna. Please.

Yes.

Yes. Would you mind leaving us to...

Hel-lo...!

Are you...a gay?

Well, yes. Because I'm not.

This is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

Never speak to me again!

Give me a drink

With bubbles in it

Handle anything stronger now

You look pretty.

Thanks, Kelly.

How could Louise's dad mistake me for a gay?

How dare he lust after my undelved sphincter like an illicit bird of prey?!

Me, the most macho of men in all of Runcorn town.

Maybe it's your clothes.

Oh, it's Janet's.

The polycotton blend feels like angels dry-humping my skin.

Maybe it's the way you talk. But I'm always talking about manly stuff!

Only the other day I commented on the dinkiness of the Fiat Cinquecento.

Or maybe, just maybe, you're the tiniest bit effeminate.

Moi!?

I have never been so insulted. I'm aggrieved Gaz. Aggrieved!

..Oh - how gay am I?!

What am I gonna do? Don't worry about it. You're married with a kid, like Tom Cruise.

No-one's going to think you're gay.

Right, it's time to masculine up a bit. From now on it's macho all the way.

I'm going to be the meanest bitch on the block.

So, bro...

What's happening with...

yo?

Urban!

Well, I've been contemplating suicide since Donna walked out on our wedding ceremony.

Oh, because it was, er...wank?

No, it was marvellous. We had cauliflower and everything. What more could a woman want?

Maybe you should try doing something a bit smaller to celebrate your relationship. Yeah,

we could have a... We'll have a baby together.

That's small! That's only, like, four inches long.

Who's Mummy's lickle babba?

Who is it? Who's a big strong boy?

Peek a boo!

There he is! Yes, he is.

Yes, he is! Yes, he is!

Yes, he is! Yes, he is!

Yes he is!

HE GETS IT!

What? Janet, what's happened to you? You're like a doormat to that baby and Jonny.

You're about to say, "Yes, he is" again, aren't you?

Yes, I was!

You've got to take back control.

Oh, I'm quite happy looking after my husband and smothering my baby.

With love, obviously.

I mean, sometimes I feel a little caged in.

A little like a badger stuck in a mantrap

that one day breaks free and rips out the throat of its cruel captor

whose name is, coincidentally, Jonny.

Then do something about it. Stop being pushed around.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

From now on, I will do the pushing.

Practising.

Have you seen this? It says the Pill can cause side effects.

Everyone knows that.

Yes, they do. Yes, they do.

Sorry, Donna.

It exaggerates everything bad about being a woman.

It can cause thrombosis, it can give you mood swings, it can make you enjoy the music of Dido.

Also it says it makes you put on weight. And there is no way on God's earth I'm going over a size eight.

I've refused far too much mayonnaise for that. Right, I'm coming off these buggers immediately.

But...are you sure?

Are you sure? Are you sure?

Sorry. So, what are you going to use instead?

All the methods have the same effects don't they? Except one.

Pulling out?

No that one's not effective.

Is it, Janet Keogh?

Er, the rhythm method?

Er, no that one's not effective. Is it, Catholics of the Republic of Ireland?

Then what? Condoms, obviously.

But men don't like them.

And watching them put them on!

Poor things, they think you're laughing at their penis rather than the disgruntled look on their face.

He'll get used to them.

Then use the glow-in-the-dark ones.

That should make his face light up.

I can't believe you're having a shit in a bar!

I'm not! I'm being macho.

Hello, Gaz. Hello, Gayboy.

Why's Jonny having a shit in the bar?

I'm not gay!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make my wife respect my heterosexuality.

Also, I followed through a little bit and I need changing.

Kelly, a glass of wine. Large. That's not like you.

I know. I'm here to drown my sorrows. I discovered my father - the bummer - is an alcoholic.

Aww! Mine too! Hey, you do know alcoholism is hereditary?

It's passed down the family like a gin-soaked pearl necklace.

Sweet, innit? Oh, that's preposterous. I'll never be an alky.

My only addiction is to heroin.

Sorry, I don't mean heroin, I mean shopping.

Right - woman!

Make me some meat-based food and worship my genitalia.

What?

You heard. I am Man, hear me roar. Jonny, what's this about?

I've been emasculated enough by the likes of you.

And random British Afro-Carribean homosexuals of a West Indian origin.

What? I'm going to go back to the days when men were men and woman were...

shorter.

You're my bird. Service me, bitch.

Jonny, Donna says you have no right to talk to me like that. Oh, right.

OK. Well, you've asked for this.

Roarrrrr!

Listen, I am sick to death of being pushed around by you.

So, from now on, you're the one who'll get pushed. Watch.

Aww, look at the little girl. Does she want her mummy to make it better?

Janet, don't. Look at the big girl pushing the little baby around. Doesn't she like it? No she doesn't.

Stop it! Look, Corinthian. Mummy's bullying Daddy and there's nothing he can do about it. Don't!

God, Jonny, you're such a big gay! NO!

Thing is Arthur, I've always admired you, both as a man

and as a man. I can't believe you're pissed on one glass of wine.

Your face looks so funny, Joyce.

My name's Kelly.

I know perfectly well what your name is, Joyce.

Maybe you should just take yourself off home, eh? No, I want me booze.

I've got to block out the pain of the alcoholic father.

He was an alcoholic you know.

I know, we've been talking about it all afternoon.

You should really ought to watch that you don't end up like him. Like what? An alcoholic.

Are you?

That's a coincidence - my father was an alcoholic. No! You're...

Louise, you have a problem with alcohol.

Nonsense! I'm at my zenith.

I've got my freaky buzz on.

Oh, God! I'm using addicts' words.

Buzz and zenith.

It's true! I do have a problem with alcohol.

To recovery!

Awwww.

Look at that new mum breastfeeding her baby.

If only that little munter would move its head.

Still, one for the scrapbook.

Gaz, I'll go straight to the point. I'm coming off the Pill.

That's weird. You've only just gone back on it. No I haven't. Yeah, you have.

No point being on it when we were apart, cos you didn't sleep with anyone else.

Yeah, anyway, the Pill.

Whoa, whoa what? It's not important. I don't even remember his name,

Tony.

Tony! What, Tony like the tiger?

He certainly was.

Oh, it's like that is it, Donna?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I shall be in my room.

Gaz. I can't believe you're doing this to me!

That's it! I'm babbying you up for definite now!

You're what? Babbying you up. I'm sorry, it's a medical term

that means bowling one up you and hitting a strike.

Yes, I got the complicated medical jargon. But why do you need to bowl one up me?

Because some other man has pissed up your lamppost and I need to cock my leg on you.

Well, despite the incredibly poetic imagery, you most certainly are not!

I'm not getting pregnant, there is no way on God's earth I am going over a size eight.

And yours, Gaz, is just one of the many portions of mayonnaise I shall be refusing.

I can't go without sex! That's cruelty. I'm not asking you to go without sex. Look here.

99% effective against pregnancy.

I got extra thick. So, put one on, lie on the bed...

and I'll be in the bathroom giggling.

You n-nearly...hit me...in the gob!

I-I...know.

I'm a...horrible h-husband.

You are.

I could've...hurt you.

In the gob.

No...y-you...couldn't. You...hit

like a girl.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Why did I do this? Why?

I don't know. Shall I call the police?

Yes. Yes, I deserve to be stuck in a cell.

I deserve to have my sphincter delved, I'll call Louise's dad. No, no, no. What?

You went to hit me because I was provoking you.

Don't you remember? Like this. "God Jonny, you're such a big gay."

ARRRGH! AH!

I'm really sorry, Jonny. Oh, don't make excuses for the bastard, Janet. Violence is violence.

I'm not making excuses.

Not at all. What you did was wrong.

But it was because you got angry. I think you have a problem with anger management.

No, I have a problem with hitting tiny, little women.

I'm a monster. And not a friendly one

like Brian Blessed.

I think what you need is something to temper your testosterone,

to chill you out. And I think I know exactly what to use.

So, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I have a problem!

This is easy.

Step two, admitting you are powerless over alcohol.

I am powerless over alcohol!

What the hell was George Best going on about?

This is a piece of piss.

Mmm, cheeky.

You sneaky beast!

Damn you, Chianti! Damn you to hell!

Well, that was rubbish.

What you talking about? I had a great time.

Yeah you did. "Oh, Gaz, harder, harder give it to me, I'm your slut."

I would never say that.

I provide my own audio.

Well, what was wrong with it?

Look at him, Donna.

Poor fella's still dry.

So?

So, what's the point in one going for a "swim" in the "ocean"

if one doesn't...

come.

Well, that was a subtle metaphor.

This ain't gonna work, Donna.

I'm not going back on the pill. Do you want me to die of a blood clot on the brain?

If it means I get a half decent shag out of it then...

I'm not going to finish that sentence.

If you can come up with a better and safe method of contraception, I'll be happy to try it.

But until then, condoms. But how am I supposed to secretly babby you up

through the hole I cut in the jizz-bag, if I can't even come when I'm wearing the said jizz-bag?

What?

I didn't say anything. Not a word, nothing.

You bastard! How dare you violate my body like that!

You were the one screaming, "Faster, Gaz, faster!

"Ride it like the fat girl at gymkhana!" No, I didn't.

I provide my own audio. DOOR SLAMS

Ciao chavs!

Now, step eight in my treatment for alcoholism.

I have to apologise to everyone I've hurt. Louise, go away.

Donna, I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Ah! That's my line! - Would you piss off?!

Listen, Donna...

Do you mind?

Talk to me. Gary Wilkinson,

let me tell you now, you will never, ever, EVER babby me up.

Because I'm never going to have sex with you again. Now GET OUT!

Out!

Excuse me.

What'll it be, Tony?

Tony?

Eh, Tony, do you remember that time when Donna got shitfaced and let you shag her in the carpark?

I've just had the worst row with Donna. She won't have my kids. Jonny doesn't row any more.

He's very laid-back. Now, what would non-angry Jonny say to naked Gaz?

He'd say, "Well Gaz, maybe you should try WOOING HER!"

And she had this other fella while we were split up, so I thought the right thing to do was put my stamp on her,

you know, with my sperm. But Gaz, that's not the way...

..to make her pregnant.

What's wrong with your voice?

Well, Gaz... I mean,

..well Gaz...

Janet, you'd better explain. Right, well, Jonny's been being a bit too angry lately, a bit too much

of a bastard. So I've given him a shedload of Donna's old contraceptive pills.

Trouble is, he seems to be going through puberty again, in reverse.

I've had eight wanks today.

What's that got to do with anything?

Nothing, I'm just really proud.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea, feeding you a near-fatal dose of female hormones.

You know, I'm in the mood to listen to some Dido.

You - home.

- But I haven't finished... - ...my pint.

Right Jonny. I have the perfect solution to your anger management problem.

SHE HUMS A FANFARE

Contemporary dance?

No! Massage. I will relieve all your tension and frustration through massage.

But Janet, isn't massage a bit...?

Oh-h...

Nice one, it's working.

Arhhh-flap.

Brilliant. Ah.

Oh! Ooh, OK, now that's a bit....

Oh! OK, now that...

The Swedes actually use sticks to beat each other with during massage.

I read it in Chat magazine, alongside an article about a woman who grew her own coffee table.

The Swedes, eh? Do they?

Arghh!

I found it on a policeman.

Janet! I didn't let Louise's dad near me with his truncheon, I'm certainly not gonna let you.

God Jonny, you're such a big gay!

ARRGH!

What have I become?

BABY CRIES Oh! I'm sorry, Corinthian. So sorry.

Ah, who's daddy's precious little boy? Is it you?

Yes, it is, yes, it is, yes, it...

Jonny that's it! If you excuse me, I was having a rather significant philosophical debate with my son.

Yes, I was, yes, I was, yes, I was... No, no, listen.

You never display anger when you're around Corinthian. All you have to do is be around him. All the time.

That'd never work. I couldn't stand to spend all my time around our...

..precious little beautiful bundle of joy.

Would I? Yes, I would, yes, I would, yes, I would...

You're such a big gay...

Perfect.

Gaz.

I have achieved a state of Zen-like stillness.

I wish to celebrate this with the imbibing of large amounts of alcohol. You what?

The perfect serenity on an infant's visage can teach us all the virtue of...

you know, not smacking Janet.

You're right, you know. Babies are ace.

If only Donna'd have one she'd be well chilled out.

Still no luck hitting her treble twenty with your liquid love dart?

No. She's never gonna agree to have my kid.

Well, Gaz, maybe you should look to the child for the solution to all your problems.

That's it!

Donna hates the pill, because it has side effects.

I'll pretend I've found a new, safe pill, but I'll use a placebo!

You got all that from Corinthian doing his "burp me" face?

Louise, who are these people?

This is an AA meeting, Kelly.

You picked a pub as the location for an AA meeting?

Obviously! It's what they know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to start my new life of sobriety.

Welcome! New friends, ladies, gentlemen,

fellow pissheads.

My name's Louise,

and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you!

It all started a couple of days ago.

I had two glasses of wine.

Yes, two whole glasses.

Can I just remind everyone, ladies and gentlemen, that we do have an offer on today?

Buy two glasses, get the rest of the bottle free.

Listen not to her, for she speaks the devil's language!

I don't!

I'm just saying it's a good offer.

And one drink never hurt anyone now, did it?

First drink on the house.

Well, it's been a long time, I might be OK.

No! Bad alky! Sit, alky, sit.

Desist!

Oh, give me the glass, I might as well accept my inevitable denouement.

Mmm, cheeky.

Donna! What a lovely surprise! You asked me here, Gaz.

I was putting flowers on my mum's grave and you made me come all the way back.

Are you sure? Or did you just come back cos you can't stay mad at me?

No, Gaz. You phoned and said you had your head stuck in a colander.

I see no colander, so goodbye! No, wait, wait. What? I have something for you. Sit down.

I went to the doctor's, and he gave me these new contraceptive tablets.

They're called Spunk Stop.

Eat one, let's have sex.

Gaz, this is a jelly bean.

You can't do this. You can't just trick me. Having a kid takes a lot of thought. It didn't with Janet.

Go any further and I will bite your eyes off.

Listen, we both know that there's a chance that Corinthian is mine...

I don't wanna talk about... Well we have to talk about it, now shut up!

Please.

Fine. This is really uncomfortable for me, so talk fast.

We both know that Corinthian might be mine and that we both have problems sorting that in our heads.

It'd be a helluva lot easier if you have a baby of your own.

I don't wanna be Corinthian's dad, I want Jonny to be Corinthian's dad but

I do think I'd be a really good dad to any of our kids because I wanna

keep you and I do keep losing you and the only way I can be sure of keeping you is to babby you up big style.

Do I have any time left?

A little bit.

Then, as an afterthought, I love you.

Well, that was very moving, Gaz.

And speedy.

Thanks. My tongue hurts a bit.

I didn't know you felt like that.

Donna, out of the hundreds and hundreds of women I've slept with...

Hundreds? Out of the seven women I've slept with,

it's never been as good as it is with you, because I love you - more than anything. You know, it's like...

it's like we bond somehow.

And don't you think that we do in bed should be used for something a little bit more constructive?

Like making a baby?

OK.

I love flipping... stuff.

Stuff is so god-bag amazing.

Brrrrrrr! I don't know.

Louise, you're wankered.

You should get off home.

I'm not drunk. I need some cats.

We need precisely seven...

I forget the rest of the plan.

Louise, you're completely off your face. You should be ashamed of yourself. Yes, thank you, Kelly.

I'm pleased someone round here's speaking sense. Not them, you.

These people are enjoying a nice drink after their Alcoholics Anonymous meeting

and you, Janet Keogh, are ruining it for them.

It's a disease. A really brilliant disease.

We get pissed

and nobody minds, because we're poorly.

Right, that's it. I'm taking you home. No, you're not. Come on, you! Hey! Stop her!

She's stealing my justification! Yeah? And what are you gonna do, eh?

You're drunk, you're rowdy, you're bigger than me, you're standing up... oh, shit.

That was fab.

Fab?! What kind of word is fab?

It's a word that takes little energy to say.

What are you doing?

Just, er... just having a jelly bean, a new type of jelly bean.

Is that the morning-after pill? No...it's...a...jelly bean.

Medicine flavoured. I can't believe you'd take the morning-after pill after all we talked about!

I'm sorry. It's just...

such a hard decision and... Oh, so what are you saying, Donna? What, is it me?

Is it you don't want my genes because I'm a bit dim?

Well Gaz, it's not that I don't want your babies...

Then don't eat the pill. It's that I don't want any babies.

You know how most little girls play with dollies and prams? Yeah?

I had potatoes.

I just... I don't want children.

I'm not in the slightest bit maternal, it's just not gonna happen for me. It's nothing to do with you.

Please.

Don't take the pill, Donna.

Oh... Look, I'm sorry.

Does this mean we have to split up?

How can you stay with someone who doesn't wanna have kids?

Because... I can get a baby. I know exactly how to go about it.

I WILL HAVE MY HEIR!

Stand still! Arghh!

What's going on?! Jonny! This man's gonna hit me!

Ooh! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Now, just hold on a minute.

Listen you. I've been where you are. I've felt the sin of wrath against this woman.

But, despite the fact that she is a little bit annoying,

I've become a peace lover, a pacifist, a conscientious objector.

How the bugger is that gonna help us against this violent piss-head?

I think if he just takes a little look in this here crib, he'll see the error of his ways.

For gazing upon a child's unsullied humanity can teach us the benefit of tolerance to man.

Jonny!

Where's Corinthian? I dropped him round your mum's. Lucky, really.

Oh, ickle babba!

Who's Daddy's little man? Is it you?

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Does this look a bit gay?

No, not at all.

It's the most manly thing in the world. ..Aww.

Thanks for seeing off that bloke before. Well, you know.

A little bit of violence never hurt anybody.

Except for those people who get punched and that.

All right, Gaz? What's up with you?

Donna won't have my baby. Oh, don't worry about that. She'll come round, they always do..

If she doesn't - little bit of Benylin Drowsy in her tea - works a treat.

Yeah, well, that's not why I'm here, Jonny.

I've come to reclaim Corinthian.

I've become self-sufficient, like that guy off the telly.

In the '70s. Curly hair. Spent all his time in his back garden.

Fred West. That's the one.

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