Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:05,920
Shouldn't you be at work? No Gaz,
I should not, for I have been sacked.
2
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:10,720
What for? Maybe something to do
with me stealing a van and crashing
it into some parked cars.
3
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,280
That's just a guess.
So what's in the envelope?
4
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,080
It's a letter from my real mother.
What does it say?
5
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:17,840
"Dear daughter.
6
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,680
"I hope you can forgive me..."
7
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:24,480
My own mother reaching out
to me across the decades.
8
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,080
Basildon Bond and a fountain pen!
9
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,120
That reeks of cash, I'm rich!
10
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:42,960
With bubbles in it
11
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:47,280
handle anything stronger now
12
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,520
I've got a confession to make...
13
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,480
I've pawned my wedding ring.
14
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,280
Janet, that's terrible! I know!
15
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:15,160
Someone actually gave you
money for that piece of crap!
16
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,720
Louise!
17
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,440
Anyway, I had to.
18
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,640
We're so skint I've had to start
reusing nappies. You can't do that!
19
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,960
Don't be silly, Donna,
I don't reuse them as nappies.
20
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,640
Oh. Just dishcloths.
21
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:35,000
If this is about buying your ring
back, there's a fiver.
You can keep the change.
22
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,280
No. I've got to do this on my own.
23
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,040
That ring is a symbol of
Jonny's undying love for me.
24
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:43,440
I'll raise the money to prove
I'm an upstanding wife and mother.
25
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,160
How? Phone sex.
26
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,800
Of course.
27
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,400
As of today,
I am busty housewife, 36FF.
28
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:56,720
So now all I've gotta do
is sit back and wait for the money
to start spurting in.
29
00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:01,920
Mmm... Thick, salty, creamy money.
30
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,120
Talking of my mummy...
31
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:07,280
I said money. Same difference.
32
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,480
I'm meeting my fabulously
wealthy birth parents tomorrow.
33
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:13,160
Aren't you a bit nervous, Lou?
It's a big step.
34
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,880
Donna, I'm sure they're lovely.
They do live in Upper Runcorn.
35
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,480
You can't even smell the
animal rendering plant.
36
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,680
Now then, Corinthian,
back to today's lecture.
37
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,560
Modern snacking.
38
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,200
This is a pork scratching.
39
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,560
Bear in mind this is an entirely
different scratching to the type
40
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,360
your uncle Gaz is demonstrating
right now.
41
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,440
Although, interestingly,
42
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:46,520
both result in a build-up of
powdery residue on the fingertip.
43
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:49,000
What are you doing?
44
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,920
I'm teaching my son to be a man.
45
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:55,200
So he's going to grow up to be
a dirty layabout, like his dad?
What's wrong with that?
46
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,000
I've barely worked a day
in me life and look at me now.
47
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,600
You've got snot in your hair.
48
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,480
OK, look at me now. You've
got a bit of peanut on your lip.
49
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,480
Now?
50
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,800
Jonny,
you're wearing ladies slippers!
51
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,840
OK, point taken.
But just because I'm a waster,
doesn't mean my son will be.
52
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:17,080
You know what they say. The apple
never falls far from the tree.
53
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:21,120
I didn't know they said that!
When did they start saying that?
54
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,960
Jonny, I need to ask you something.
55
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:27,280
Whatever it is,
I hardly think it's as important as
the future of my first-born son!
56
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,280
I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.
57
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,600
For God's sake! OK, you win.
58
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,840
It just seems that we've reaching
that stage in our relationship
59
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,000
where it's time to tether the pig.
60
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,200
Well, congratulations, mate.
That's brilliant news.
61
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:45,160
I've just wanna wait for the right
moment. I want it to be perfect.
62
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:49,600
Candles and flowers and the absence
of any foul smells in the air.
63
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,160
Which rules out tonight.
64
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,880
I should never have ate those
jar of eggs. Have some of that.
65
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,000
Right then, this is it.
66
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,560
Can you smell eggs?
67
00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:23,680
Donna, I...
68
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:28,680
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be late.
What is it? I'm gonna be late.
I'm gonna be late!
69
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,720
Now another case of mistaken
identity for Lieutenant Columbo.
70
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,320
That was too close!
Damn you, snooze alarm!
71
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:40,080
Listen, I've been thinking, right.
About you and me and the...
72
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,960
You won't get away with this,
you sick son-of-a-bitch!
73
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,840
Sorry, what?
74
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,000
OK, maybe now isn't the right time.
75
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,280
I've got big plans for you and me,
Donna Henshaw...
76
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,160
Look, I know what you're gonna say.
77
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:56,400
You're gonna offer me a job because
I won't admit how much I hate
being unemployed.
78
00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,200
Actually... Please give me a job
at the garage because I hate this
79
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,640
and I can't spend another afternoon
trimming my pubes
in front of Diagnosis Murder!
80
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:07,040
I'm sorry, the garage
is no place for a lady.
81
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:11,240
That is sexism in the workplace.
I can't believe you sometimes.
82
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,800
Right, I've got to get to work.
83
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:15,840
Listen, we'll talk later
though, yeah? Whatever.
84
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:20,000
Just...pass me my Ladyshave
on your way out. Thank you.
85
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,000
Ugh! I can taste Corinthian.
86
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,520
I must get a job before I go mad.
87
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:43,000
I'm swear I caught David Dickinson
looking down my top this morning.
88
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,840
Donna, you own the garage.
89
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,480
Order Gaz to employ you.
90
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,560
Oh my God, you're right!
I'll show him!
91
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:54,640
It's time for my immaculately
manicured lady garden to grow wild.
92
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,160
On an entirely more
interesting note,
93
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,760
I've decided to ask
my real mummy and daddy
if I can move in with them.
94
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,920
Louise!
You haven't even met them yet.
95
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,720
I reckon Daddy's the one to go for.
96
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,120
Fathers love to please
their little girls.
97
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:13,040
Piece of advice,
never Google that sentence.
98
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,320
PHONE RINGS
99
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,440
Let's hear your impression
of someone talking dirty.
100
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,440
Shh! I've got to get into character.
101
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,600
Hello?
102
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:30,680
No, I'm afraid you've come
through to "Bored Housewife Please
Spring-Clean My Mummy Cupboard."
103
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:37,560
No, you're gonna need extension
32 for "Brassy Fishwife Wants To
Nibble Your Squid Rings." OK, bye.
104
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:41,840
Jonny must be so proud. Prostituting
yourself for 35p a minute.
105
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,360
Off-peak!
106
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,360
It's usually twice that.
107
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,440
Anyway, I haven't told him.
Janet, you've got to!
108
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:52,720
I know. I will. Just as soon as he
gets back from the park.
109
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,240
I'm home!
110
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:55,800
Oh, joy.
111
00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,320
Janet, you know how you say that
I'm a bad influence on Corinthian?
112
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,880
Jonny, is that a
cigarette butt in his mouth?
113
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,160
Right, I'm gonna raise him
to be my exact opposite.
114
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,400
I'm gonna start right now.
Come on, Corinthian.
115
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,240
Or should I say "The anti-Jonny."
116
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:28,080
I'm telling you, it wasn't making
that noise when it left here.
117
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:31,880
All right. Excuse me, Mr Davies.
What's up? I've come to start work.
118
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,680
No, I told you, this garage
ain't no place for a...
119
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,800
Gaz, as owner of this garage
I demand that you give me a job.
120
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,120
We'll end up having sex all day
and we won't get any work done.
121
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,240
Like I'd want to have sex
with you here.
122
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,400
So no shagging? Brownie's honour.
123
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:46,920
All right, you're on.
124
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,680
Out of interest,
125
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,040
were you in the Brownies at all?
126
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,760
Yep.
127
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,800
And did you ever wear one
of those...
128
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,600
you know... them tiny brown skirts?
129
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,480
Recite the Brownie's Promise again.
130
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,480
I bet you got all your badges,
didn't you, eh? Oh...
131
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,440
Needlecraft, eh? Yeah... Oh!
132
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,960
Introduce me to your Brown Owl.
Huh...
133
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,640
It's a bit like that film, innit?
134
00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,080
What... Titanic?
No... Back Seat Bangers.
135
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,400
Mr Wilkinson? Can I open my eyes yet?
136
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:35,320
With you shortly, Mr Davies.
Just about to...
137
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:38,400
cum... by... ya... me Lord!
138
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,920
PHONE RINGS
139
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:51,040
Warning,
the following phone conversation
may make your cock explode.
140
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,360
No, not literally. Don't go! Hello?
141
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:58,880
Sod it!
142
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:05,760
Janet, would you class
flange as a swearword?
143
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:09,480
Jonny, I've got something
I need to tell you.
144
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,440
You see, I've
started this new job...
145
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:16,800
Oh my God, did you do this?
146
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,680
Is this that Anti-Jonny thing?
147
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,040
I'm censoring the entire house.
148
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:27,160
If we're not careful our son'll be a
little hooligan faster than you
can say Anti-Social Behaviour Order.
149
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,680
Do you mean ASBO? Damn it.
We've got less time than I thought.
150
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,520
The way I see it, all I have to
do is remove everything from the
house that turned me into me.
151
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,160
The booze, the foul language,
the female nipple...
152
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,640
The female nipple?
How about when I breastfeed him?
153
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,480
That's where his goggles come in.
154
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,480
Haven't you thought about getting
a job? Set a good example?
155
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,600
You're the only positive
role model our son needs.
156
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:59,760
You're everything he should be.
Honest, hard-working, decent...
157
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,280
So what's this job, then?
158
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,880
I'm a telephone...
159
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,280
psychic...speaking clock.
160
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,120
How does that work? OK.
161
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:14,120
People call me, and I tell them
what time they think it is.
162
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:16,640
PHONE RINGS
163
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,880
About twelve.
SHE PANTS AND GROANS
164
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,720
Louise!
I can't believe you're really here.
165
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:37,960
Yes, this is me, that little girl
you accidentally gave away!
166
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:42,800
Look at you! You're so, so...so...
167
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,120
Let's say beautiful.
168
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,040
Where's Daddy?
Louise, your daddy isn't here.
169
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:53,760
Oh! I like that. We'll have to
see about that wallpaper.
170
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,640
Mummy?
I really have to ask you something.
171
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:01,280
Right. Be honest with me now.
OK, then.
172
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,720
That double garage.
173
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,720
Are they both yours,
or does one belong to next door?
174
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:16,240
Right then, Donna,
get yourself up on that car-lift.
Time I serviced your undercarriage.
175
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,040
Gaz, you can't do this.
I can, I've learnt now.
176
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,880
I'm not doing it well
unless my eyelids are sticky.
177
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:26,680
No, this. Us shagging all the time.
What are your customers gonna think?
178
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,120
Can I open my eyes yet, Mr Wilkinson?
179
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,880
Two minutes, Mr Davies!
180
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:35,240
No, I suppose you're right.
We can't let the business suffer.
181
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,800
Well, what if you treat me
like one of the lads?
182
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,240
You know, I'll be...
183
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,200
Don Henshaw.
184
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,040
Blokey-bloke, then you won't
want to have sex with me.
185
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,600
Excuse me, Mr Davies.
186
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:56,600
All reet, Gaz? All right, Don.
187
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:03,880
I dee like a nice
fat lassie with a reet
wobbly set of botty-clackers.
188
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,520
This might work cos
I'm going off sex already.
189
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,920
Right, I want you to sort
my car out, and I want my hat...
190
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,800
I'll tell ya what ya'll dee.
Shut ya chuffin' mouth
until ya spoken tee!
191
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:19,640
I'll twat ya into next week!
OK, then. Can I have my hat back?
192
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,520
No!
193
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:24,360
Wow!
194
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,640
There we go.
195
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:33,080
Well, that's it.
I've censored the entire house.
196
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,440
Let's see if I can find some
wholesome family entertainment.
197
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,920
Oh, look, a wildlife documentary.
198
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:45,520
Ah, look at that,
a mummy and daddy hippo.
199
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:48,120
And what's that
daddy hippo doing now?
200
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,840
Wait. No. Don't look, son.
201
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,480
I'll just put a piece
of gaffer tape over that.
202
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,880
There you go. There we go.
203
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,440
Oh, he's moved it.
204
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,400
Right, that's got it.
205
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,000
Wow. He's really putting it about
a bit, isn't he?
206
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,920
Keep it still, hippo.
207
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,480
Just keep it still!
208
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:37,520
Damn you, hippo! Damn you and your
gargantuan penis all the way to hell!
209
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,080
Oh, bugger, I said penis.
210
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,920
Oh shit, I said bugger.
211
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,880
You know what the real problem
is here, Corinthian?
212
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,600
It's not that hippo's penis at all.
213
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:55,120
I've taken everything out of
the house that could turn you
into me except for one thing.
214
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:07,200
BABY GURGLES
215
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,560
Gaz?
216
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,400
I need you to leave your
phone on for a while.
217
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,080
Cos I need you to look after
Corinthian until I get to the pub.
218
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,960
No, he'll be safe enough if I leave
the mobile next to his little brain.
219
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,160
It's best if I stay away
for a while.
220
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,200
Janet!
221
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:38,040
I'm just taking Corinthian to the...
HE MUMBLES
222
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,600
OK.
223
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,720
PHONE RINGS
OK, this is the one!
224
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,600
Mmm, my tits are so big.
225
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,760
So big and heavy...
226
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,240
Oh, you like it when I talk
about my tits, don't you?
227
00:14:55,240 --> 00:15:01,760
OK, my tits are so big that
they give me back problems.
228
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,440
In fact, my boobs are so large
229
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:09,920
I often get weeping sores in
the creases beneath. ..Hello?
230
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,440
Listen to Daddy.
231
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,640
Jobs are brilliant.
232
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:22,440
Books aren't just for the gays...
233
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,600
Jonny, Jonny, Jonny...
234
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,280
Kids always rebel.
235
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:31,160
Look at that Stuart Little.
His parents were all respectable
and well to do and what happens?
236
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,760
He grows up to be a talking mouse,
just to piss them off. Hmm.
237
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:38,800
The last thing we need is a
rambunctious skateboarding mouse
on our hands.
238
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:43,520
My point is,
you try and force him to be a saint,
he'll grow up to be a sinner.
239
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:47,800
So the worse I am,
the better he'll be?
240
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,440
That's it, I'm gonna be a sinner.
241
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,200
I'm gonna leave the
house without a hankie.
242
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,800
And I'm gonna be the worst
sexual deviant imaginable.
243
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,960
Princess Margaret?
244
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:03,920
Gaz, you're a genius! Corinthian,
your shitting, bastard daddy's
coming home!
245
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:08,960
As soon as he's spunked your food
money away on beer! You're a natural.
246
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,640
So how's it going with Donna?
247
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,000
Are you still waiting for the
perfect moment to ask her? Him.
248
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,840
What?
249
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,480
Donna's not a her, she's a him.
250
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:24,240
She started acting all blokey
at work to stop us having sex.
Only now she can't stop herself.
251
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:28,160
I'm just gan tee the gents
tee drain tha main vein.
252
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,760
I'm not gonna ask that to marry me.
253
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,040
I've got to do something. Maybe you
could give her a cuddly toy.
254
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:44,040
Hold on! What you're basically
saying that I should make a conflict
255
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,360
between the male and the female
sides of her fractured persona?
256
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:52,680
No, what I'm basically saying is,
girls like cuddly toys.
257
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,880
That's brilliant. I'll use her
girly things to tempt her out.
258
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,400
I'd give it five minutes, lads.
259
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,480
However deeply buried she may be.
260
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,080
It was amazing, Janet.
261
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,800
I honestly thought I was going to
break down and cry right there.
262
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,880
I just felt so good deep down inside.
263
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:19,160
Twenty-three years of age and...
264
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,800
I finally got to use a bidet.
265
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,600
Great. What were your parents like?
266
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,600
Oh, they were OK. Only met Mum.
267
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,280
Did you ask her about moving in?
268
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,360
No point. She's the monkey,
not the organ-donor.
269
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:37,880
Nope, Daddy's the one.
I'm asking him in the Archer tonight.
270
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,000
You can come if you like.
271
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,080
Might as well. I've not had a single
caller last more than ten seconds.
272
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,400
Even Jonny goes longer than that.
273
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,960
If you include the seven seconds
it takes him to find it.
274
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,040
Come on, Janet. It could be worse.
275
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,280
How? I've traded my wedding ring
for a pile of dirty nappies,
276
00:17:55,280 --> 00:18:00,200
and I haven't told my
holier-than-thou husband that he's
married to a telephone slut whore.
277
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,640
How could things possibly
get any worse? See?
278
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,000
PHONE RINGS
Louise!
279
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:12,480
Look, I'm thinking about my ring
and now I'm soaking wet,
so you may as well hang up.
280
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,240
Hello? You're still there!
281
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:20,040
He's still there!
I can hear him deep-breathing!
282
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,000
Hold on, let me turn on my vibrator.
283
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,560
Now then, about my tits...
284
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,280
All right, then, Don.
285
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,840
You unconvincing Geordie twat.
286
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,280
Prepare to meet your maker.
287
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:41,000
All right, Gaz.
Ah, Don, just in time.
288
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,000
I got a bit bored,
so I thought I'd burn
289
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,920
a perfectly good pair
of peep-toe sandals.
290
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,720
Size 6, by the way.
291
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,720
Burn the bloody things.
292
00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,720
OK.
293
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:59,320
Also, me and a couple of lads are
going out puppy-stomping tonight.
294
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:04,040
Fancy it?
Aye man, I hate puppies, like.
295
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,640
You leave me with no choice.
296
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,000
Des Lynam.
297
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,960
Des, those...
298
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,720
..those eyebrows like...
299
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,640
like rutting sex-caterpillars!
300
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,640
So, do I have my girlfriend back?
301
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,160
Huh... What you doing on the
floor, you big poof?
302
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,920
While you're down there, lovey.
303
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,440
I can't believe you're
still on the line.
304
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:41,280
OK, what can the strict
headmistress do to you next?
305
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,240
Oh, I know, stroke your satchel.
306
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,720
Mmm, your satchel is so leathery.
307
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,920
Oh, and what's this inside?
308
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:55,400
Oh, it's a big pair of bollocks!
309
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,640
OK then Nan, you take care.
Love you.
310
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,120
Jonny, how long have you been...
Long enough.
311
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,920
Nan says "Hi."
312
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,320
Janet, I know what's going on here.
313
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:11,160
I know that you're a dirty,
horny little woman
314
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,520
with an addiction to
phoning sex lines.
315
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,920
What? Jonny, no... Janet, it's OK!
316
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,960
The more we shelter Corinthian,
the more he'll grow up
317
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
to be interested in sex and swearing
and booze. You don't understand...
318
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:30,160
And that means that if you want
to act out elaborate schoolboy
sex fantasies, then we should.
319
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,080
Nay, we must.
320
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:35,040
If only for the sake
321
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,880
of our first-born son.
322
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,120
Oh, my God!
323
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,440
Oops.
324
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,400
I've dropped my pencil.
325
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,960
Better bend down and pick it up.
326
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,000
Don't suppose you could
pass me my pencil?
327
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:10,680
Janet? Where's your wedding ring?
328
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,760
That's what I've been trying
to tell you.
329
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,400
We didn't have any money for
nappies, so I had to pawn it.
330
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,320
You what?!
Before you go mad, I've easily
made enough money to buy it back.
331
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,920
See, I wasn't phoning a sex line,
I was operating one.
332
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,920
Yeah, right. I've heard you trying
to talk dirty before, remember?
333
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,680
"Oh, take that, you fat slag."
334
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,080
Jonny, that was you.
335
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,160
And I'm still really, really sorry.
336
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,200
I'll show you.
I'll call the last bloke back.
337
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,120
It's ringing.
< MOBILE PHONE RINGS
338
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,480
Jonny, what's that?
339
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,200
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
340
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,280
Janet, you've been talking
dirty to your baby son!
341
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:05,040
What are you talking about?
I left my phone in his cot.
342
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,000
He must've rolled on the speed-dial.
343
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,160
Oh, God, Jonny! What have I done?
344
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,880
I'm a terrible mother.
345
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,120
Oh, no, I've corrupted
his tiny mind.
346
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:16,560
Hold on. I'm coming back into the
kitchen.
347
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,520
Could you not tell you were talking
to a baby? I bid you good day, madam.
348
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,560
I could just hear grunting.
I thought he was enjoying it.
349
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,240
Oh no, and I've dirtied up
his precious little mind.
350
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,920
Yes!
351
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,080
Yes... You have.
352
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,480
And don't think I'm not grateful.
353
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:41,640
What? Now he's been exposed to your
filth, he's gonna be just fine.
354
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,720
He's gonna be a monk, Janet, a monk.
355
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,320
Think of all the free fudge.
356
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,680
God, Jonny, how are we
gonna pay this phone bill?
357
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:54,880
PHONE RINGS
You're gonna have to get that.
I said I'd meet Louise in the pub.
358
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:58,160
Fine. Don't think I'm gonna be
polite to your dirty customers.
359
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,520
Hello?
360
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:10,560
No, I'm afraid Busty Housewife 36FF
can't come to the phone right now...
361
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,040
What am I wearing?
362
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,920
Funny you should ask actually...
363
00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:23,040
Tight grey shorts,
a maroon blazer and a school tie.
364
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,720
And what about you, Mr...T-Bone?
365
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,400
Oh, so basically just an earring.
366
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:40,000
Janet! Come and meet my fabulously
middle-class parents! Look!
367
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,280
This is Janet.
Hello. I'm Louise's mum.
368
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,000
Lovely to meet you.
369
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,120
And this is Daddy!
370
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:53,640
What? I've tried telling her
but she won't listen!
371
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,280
Isn't he adorable!
372
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,120
Got my nose and everything.
373
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,440
Excuse me. Louise.
374
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,480
He can't be your dad!
375
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,520
You and him are, you know,
different. What are you on about?
376
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:12,160
How can I put this? Look,
you know the film Lethal Weapon?
377
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:16,080
You've got Mel Gibson...that's him.
And you've got Danny Glover...
378
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,640
that's you.
379
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:22,880
Can't I be Mel Gibson?
There's nothing wrong with
being Danny Glover.
380
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:27,680
Janet,
I'm not standing here in public
pretending to be Danny Glover.
381
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,520
I'm too old for this shit.
382
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,760
Now, if you'll excuse me.
383
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,600
Daddy, can I move in with you?
384
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,240
What? Now hold on, Louise... It's OK.
385
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,400
Let me try this one more time.
386
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:45,680
Louise, you know that film 48 Hours
with Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy...
387
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,840
Oh! Bagsie Nick Nolte!
I give up.
388
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:54,000
Donna, come and meet my mummy and
daddy. He's not ya fatha.
389
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,840
He's the wrong chuffin' colour.
390
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,240
Oh, my God.
391
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:07,120
She's right, he's... Yes... He's...
392
00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:12,440
Ginger! I'm not ginger!
393
00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,200
I'm strawberry blonde!
394
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:19,320
Louise, I haven't seen your
real dad since you were little.
395
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,920
This is all I have.
396
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,400
What? But I don't understand.
He's...he's...
397
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,520
Are you OK, Louise?
398
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,840
He's wearing sandals! With socks!
399
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:46,920
Oh, T-Bone,
400
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:51,760
I think this naughty schoolboy
needs another stroke of your cane.
401
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,640
Jonny? It's gone midnight.
402
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,120
Five more minutes, please.
He's a really top bloke.
403
00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:03,880
And I've made enough money to pay
the phone bill and get your ring.
Great. Now please come to bed.
404
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,760
I'll give you a biology lesson.
405
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,080
T-Bone, listen, I've really gotta go.
406
00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,120
You hang up.
407
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,960
No, you. You hang up. No...
408
00:26:22,120 --> 00:26:25,560
She'd get it. Just get in bed.
409
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:31,080
I told ya, I'm not that kind of
a bloke. Donna, you're a girl!
410
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:34,720
Aye, I bet that's what you say
to all ya cellmates.
411
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,160
"You be the chamois leather,
I'll be the turtle wax."
412
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,880
You know what,
413
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,640
I had something that
I wanted to talk to you about,
414
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:49,560
but it doesn't matter any more. What
doesn't matter, Gay Gaz Wankinson?
415
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,760
That you and Jonny love each other?
416
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,680
Before you turned into an
arse-brained knuckle-dragger
417
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,800
with a crap accent,
I was waiting for the perfect
moment to ask you to marry me.
418
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,680
Yeah, I know, stupid or what, eh?
419
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,720
Now sod off and let me get some kip.
420
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,640
Gaz?
421
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:14,400
Gaz, I'm right here. Donna!
422
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,960
That's the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.
423
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:24,280
The stuff after the bit
about me being an
arse-brained knuckle-dragger.
424
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,520
OK, so it isn't perfect, but...
425
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,040
Oh, Gaz...
426
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,880
While you're down there, love.
427
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:38,400
If Don doesn't sod off
once and for all... Sorry.
428
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,320
So, Donna Henshaw,
429
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,280
non-manly woman?
430
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,120
Will you marry me?
431
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,360
All right, Louise!
Who's your buddy?
432
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,720
If you must know, he's my dad.
433
00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:56,000
Do you mind leaving us to, er...
434
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,280
Hello!
435
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:13,280
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
35320
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof