All language subtitles for Two.Pints.of.Lager.and.a.Packet.of.Crisps.S06E02.Goblins.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TBN_track3_[eng]

I'm out of a job. Can you
think of something to stick in
this get well card to my mum?

Is she poorly? Yeah,
she's in hospital dying. What?

OK, I'll do it, Gaz.
I'll buy the garage.

Oh!

Mum told me... I'm adopted!

Like an orphan.

Well, not like an orphan, cos
they're not necessarily adopted.

Rather like an adoptee.

Give me a drink

wet glass with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

'Welcome to The Weakest Link...'

Janet, I don't want to tell
you how to raise your child,

but what the hell is that?

It's milk. His last bottle broke
and we couldn't afford a new one.

That's Gaz's dream come true, that.

A big tit full of beer.

If you can't afford baby bottles,
Jonny'll have to get a job.

He's tried. There aren't any
jobs available in his field.

Him and that bloody field.

Anyway, he doesn't need to find a
job now because I have got a job.

"Earn pound pound
pounds working from home.

"You can earn up to £600 a week."

Making squeaky elves for kids.

You want to be careful.
They try and rip you off.

They're only toys, Donna.

Not the elves.
The people who run it.

You saw the flyer. "Up to £600."

"Up to" doesn't mean anything.

It just means no more than £600.

No, that would be greedy.

And I'd probably have to sign off.

Why not get a proper job?
Hey, I'm getting promoted.

Remember my old boss was
always throwing sickies.

I didn't think he's last
much longer. Well, sure enough...

They've sacked him? No, he's dead.
Congratulations. Thank you.

You know what I
noticed in the toilets?

Was it my phone number on the
cubicle walls? No, it was...

What?

I own a garage now, Jonny.
It's my business.

I need to put that phone number
where people will see it. OK.

If you want to,
your words, advertise your business
in the gents, that's fine by me.

Thank you.
And the big picture of a cock?

It's me corporate logo.

I thought Donna owned the garage.

Technically, but it's
me that runs the place.

Me that works flat out 24/7,
never resting for a moment.

Same again, lads? Ay!

No, no. What I noticed in the
toilets was a complete lack of
baby changing facilities.

You're right there.
Is it too much to ask?

They can afford soap.
They can afford a hand drier.

They can afford the old feller
who squirts you with
smelly stuff.

I don't think he works here, though.

So why not a simple table
for changing a baby?

It made the job very difficult.

I'm just a concerned father
wanting the best for my child.

Yeah, Jonny, yeah.

Where is the baby?

You're such a role model, Donna.

Look at you, happy,
full of enthusiasm,
revelling in a man's death.

Stop it, I'll blush. And so dynamic.
Buying the garage with Gaz.

Getting promoted.

I really admire you for that.

And I really admire you for...

You know, for...so many things.

That staircase is brilliant.

Louise! Hi! Or is it goodbye?

For I will soon be leaving this town
to spend some catch-up time with my
birth parents.

Either skiing in Aspen, or a
month at the villa in Tuscany.

You should drop in if you're near.

Wow, Lou, you've changed your tune.
Where do your birth parents live?

Well, I don't know yet exactly.

So how did you find them?

Well, I haven't so much
found them...

Right. So there
isn't a villa in Tuscany?

There are many villas in Tuscany.

Lou, I don't think you should
get your hopes up too high.

Maybe your parents were normal people
who couldn't look after a baby.

No parents of mine
could be normal people.

That's a fair point.

Imagine Nelson Mandela
had a baby with Princess Diana.

There's no way they'd be allowed
to bring that child up as their own.

Still, you might not
be THEIR daughter.

Or Mother Teresa
and Saint Bob Geldof.

That'd explain my spirituality.

Or Keith Harris and Orville.

That'd explain your voice.

I'm going to find out
who my real parents are.

And when I'm flying above you in
my private hovercraft, you might
wish you hadn't been so cruel.

I think there's some
disappointment on the horizon.

Yeah. Poor Louise.

I actually meant for her parents.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

My God, I passed out!

It must have been exhaust fumes.
I was nearly poisoned!

Donna, thank God you came.
I might never have woken up!

No. Especially not with that
blanket over you, and the
pillow under your head. No.

And...Now That's What
I Call Lullabies, Volume 6.

All right. I'm entitled to a break.

A break from what?
You haven't done any work in days.

I have! I had an idea for
rebranding the business.

Instead of Wilkinson Motors,

The Gaz Station. Hey!

I own the garage, Gaz.

I didn't pay £80,000 so you can
treat this place like a hotel.

That reminds me. I didn't get my
copy of the Telegraph this morning.

You don't read the Telegraph.
I get it for the trenchant
political analysis of Boris Johnson.

She's fit.

What? Anyway, you've got your own
job to think about, your promotion.

I didn't bloody get promoted,
did I? What?

Did you go in there
shouting and demanding it? No.

I chose a quiet moment
when no-one was busy

and I asked my boss if there
was any a chance me having
the dead man's job. And?

Turned out it wasn't
so much a quiet moment...

as a minute's silence.

Ah.

It's not what I did
that matters, it's what I am -

a woman. There's
a glass ceiling at that place.

Is there?

Yes. And the only people
who get to work above
the glass ceiling are men.

Right.

If it was me,
I'd want women up there.

Hi-ho, hi-ho. Hi ho ho ho ho ho.

Hi, ho.

Have you earned pound pound
pounds yet? Nearly. Let's see.

ELF SQUEAKS

What do you think?

It's lovely, Janet.

It's really adorable.

It's just the sort
of thing kids will...

What are you talking about?
It's evil.

Reminds me of that
thing from Child's Play.

Michael Aspel? Yes.

Jonny, there's no point covering his
ears. I think there is. There isn't.

That one can still hear you. Ah!

How many of these dwarves are there?

Seven. Like that film, Seven.

But we need at least a hundred.

You can help if you like.
No chance. I'm not touching them.

Jonny, I'm trying to do
something for the family.

I'm trying to be a good mum.

Me too. I'm campaigning to
introduce baby changing
facilities at the pub toilets.

I'm thinking of that
baby all the time.

Where is the baby?

You had him when you went out!

Forget about the glass ceiling.

The ceiling isn't relevant.

Maybe not to you, but ceilings
are very important in business.

They're part of your overheads.

Fine. But that's
not the point I'm making.

No, the point is you didn't get
promoted because you're a woman.

Yes. Well, that's just
sexism, plain and simple.

Yes, it is. You're a better rep
than anyone at that place.

I am. It's not like you have
to drive a big van or anything.

Well, I would, actually.
I get me own Transit van. Oh.

Still sexist though, isn't it, Gaz?

Gaz? Isn't it? No!

You can't drive a Transit van!

I don't care whether it is the
20th century or not. It's not.

A white van
should be driven by a man.

Hence the expression
"women can't drive."

Why don't you just
go back to sleep, Gaz?

I can't believe you just said that.

That's so sexist. You're
a goddamn misogynist excuse
for a modern man

and I for one am not...

That's actually quite impressive.

Definitely getting more attractive.

I could almost kiss you.

Mwah!

DOOR SHUTS

Janet, you wouldn't believe...

Oh, I didn't realise
you had family round.

Louise, this is work. I made them.

I always thought
such things were made by
child labourers in the Far East.

Yeah, but I'm cheaper.

What you got there?

My parents.
What, in that little envelope?

Sorry. That was quick.
Is it from the adoption agency?

No, it's from her. The impostor
who claims to have brought me up.

Louise, the woman who brought
you up is still your mum.

I know, but she's in
hospital and it's so boring.

I don't want this random stranger
leeching off my valuable time.

"Louise, pass me some water.

"Louise, stop stealing me Lucozade.

"Louise, I just saw Jesus."

Just because you've
got different blood,
that doesn't change anything.

I know.

And of course,
I still call her Mum. Good.

I just use inverted
commas when I say it.

So what's in the envelope?

It's a letter from my real mother
given to my "mum" when I was born.

What's it say? That's the problem.

I know it sounds silly, but I...

I just can't open it.

I want you to open it for me, Janet.

Oh, Lou. I'm so touched.

It'd be an honour.
This is a big moment for you.

I'm not surprised you can't do it.

Oh.

It's quite tough, actually.

I suppose it was
sealed a long time ago.

See what I mean? It's impossible.
I was trying for hours.

I thought you asked
me to open it because you
were scared of what it might say.

No, I asked you because
you've got beefy arms.

Look, Lou, I've got elves to make.
I can't sit here all day
tugging at your flaps.

Right! For that you're
banned from the villa.

Kelly, I wish to submit a petition.

"We the undersigned demand
that the pub sticks more
baby changing facilities

"in the men's bogs and that.

"Go on, it will be ace. Love Jonny."

No chance. If we took any notice
of petitions, that corpse would
have been removed months ago.

But look, three pages of signatures.

Amazing, considering
how quiet it's been.

Sometimes you don't notice
people coming and going.

Delia Smith.

Orson Welles.

Sting.

Not THE Sting, obviously.

I'll show it to the brewery
but it won't change anything.

One man can't make any
difference in this crazy world.

See that you do.

All right, pal. All right, Gaz.

How's life working for yourself?

I've done no work at all today.
Nothing.

Customers are leaving, the
business is going down the toilet.
But do I listen? No.

I showed it to the brewery, Jonny,
but there's nothing they can do.

Right, did you actually
show it to the brewery,

or did you just stand on the other
side of that door for a few seconds?

I showed it to the brewery.

So there's someone from the brewery
on the other side of that door,
just standing there?

Yes. Who's been stood there all day?

Sometimes you don't notice people
coming and going. What's his name?

Mr...

Pumplager.

Mr Pumplager?

Yes.

Can I talk to him?
He's very busy right now. Even so.

Well, OK. Mr Pumplager!

Yes?

Oh. I, um...

thought perhaps you
hadn't seen the petition. Sorry.

What petition? Nothing.

It's no good, Jonny. I can't let
myself walk all over me like this.

I've gotta do something.

Have you tried being a bit nicer
to yourself? What do you mean?

When Janet wants me to do something,
she gives me little treats.

I do the washing up, I get a treat.

I put the toilet seat down,
I get a treat.

She calls it the
carrot and stick method.

You don't like carrots.
No, but I'm very fond of sticks.

It's worth a try. Thanks, Jonny.

Don't thank me.
Just give me a stick.

I'll owe you the stick.

Shame about your petition, Jonny.
You haven't defeated me, Kelly.

I'm going to mount a protest.

Oh, yeah? What are you going to do?
Make some pathetic banner?

No. What I have in mind is
much more cunning. Ha!

Jonny.

I think I'll call this one Simon.

He looks like a Simon, doesn't he?

What's up with you?
Bloody work and bloody Gaz.

Everyone thinks because I'm a woman,
I shouldn't drive a Transit van.

Should sit at home
shitting dimbles like you.

Transit vans are quite big,
aren't they? Not very feminine.

My God, not you too.

Is this a conspiracy? No.

Is this National Do Donna Down Day?

No, it isn't National
Do Donna Down Day.

I just think you should know your
limits and... Do Donna Down Day.

What?

I wanted to say it too.

Some jobs are more suited to women
and some are more suited to men.
It's a fact of life.

You're right.

I need a big strong man to open
this for me. Where's Jonny?

At the pub. Good. I want to
be sure I don't bump into him
on my way to find Gaz.

I thought you'd be on my side.

We're not on anyone's side.

Fine then, Gandalf. Just sit at
home with your goblin friends.

He's not a goblin, he's an elf.

Well, as long as you've got
your elf, that's all that matters.

Donna!

It's all right, Corinthian!

Daddy'll be OK.

Don't be alarmed.

They think they can
ignore my petition
and I'll run away, defeated.

Well, they're wrong.

I'm not going to give
up until I get justice.

Corinthian, in years to come,

you'll tell this
story to your own children.

Let's see them ignore this!

Hi, Gaz. Ooh, a film.

Oh, good God, you are revolting.

It's Jonny's idea.

He said I should reward
myself for every job I do.

So fix a car, have a wank.

Fix another car, have another wank.

I'm glad you're here, actually.

Don't be preposterous.
I wouldn't stroke that thing
if it were made of puppies.

Well the method's worked so far,
I've not had a break in three hours.

How many cars have you fixed?

None, I've been wanking.

Well, I've got a job for you, Gaz.

This letter's from
my birth mother...

and I need you to open it.

Leave it to me, Louise.
I won't rest until it's done.

Urgh!

It's Castrol GTX. Oh.

Helps me to masturbate.

We're here! We're queer...!

Two, four, six, eight,

I think...eggs are really great.

No, I've got it.

Jonny, get down! The customers
are complaining about the noise.

Then complain they must. Look,
we can't have you hanging off the
building like an anorexic King Kong.

Then bow to my demands.

I want baby changing
facilities in those toilets.

Jonny, do you even know what
baby changing facilities look like?

Don't blind me with science.
Just bow to the demands.

OK, seeing as you don't
know what they look like,

I'll see to it personally
that your demands are met.

Really?

Well, yes, I should think so too.

And do you know why?
Because I refused to give up.

I scaled this building and stayed
till I conquered the beast.

And the beast, Kelly, was you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Curse you!
CRASH

I'm just trying to do the
best I can for my family.

If that means working
from home, then why not?

Donna thinks I should be following
some big, high-flying career
but that's just not me.

I'm happy with this job.

I mean, that stuff about the
elves being my best friends,

I mean, it's just rubbish.

Shit.

Right, Louise.
Are you ready for this?

Yes. Yes, go on, I'm ready.

OK. Do you want to sit down?

Right.

"Dear Louise,
this is your mum speaking.

"Your real mum, not
the mental one you live with now.

"Sorry for having you adopted,

"but the travelling circus
is no life for a little baby,

"unless it's one of
those babies that can do tricks,

"which you can't,

"and your dad's in
prison for robbing a bank.

"Say hello to Gaz for me.

"Your mum."

Gaz, this is an invoice for
spark plugs. I thought you
said you couldn't read.

No, I said
I couldn't open the envelope.

Oh. You couldn't either, could you?

It's like a sheet of
rubber or something.

Gaz, you're pathetic.

You're right. I am pathetic. I'm
the worst employee I've ever had.

You know, I've done no
work at all today, nothing.

I've had 14 wanks,

pretty sure I can smell
alcohol on my breath.

That's it, I leave myself with
little choice. I'm fired! What?

You heard.

I demand I clear my desk
and get the hell out of my sight.

I'll be sending me my P45
in due course. Thank you.

You don't agree with sexual
discrimination, do you?

God, no. I'll shag anything.

It's beautiful. It's like
Laboratoire Garnier in there.

Jonny, it's an ironing
board and a jar of talc.

It wouldn't have been there
without my lone crusade for justice.

You know why? Because I had a dream.

Like Martin Luther King,
and Westlife.

Well, sometimes people
don't wanna listen to your dreams.

Then make them listen.
People told me this couldn't
be done but I proved them wrong.

Just think, yesterday there was one
single solitary baby in this pub,
and now look, there's two.

Give her a wipe from me, eh?

You know what? You're right.
If people tell me
I can't do something,

I should just go ahead
and do it. Damn right you should.

If people say I can't
drive a Transit van,
I should just drive it.

A Transit van?
I'm not sure about that.

Thank you, Jonny.
Thank you very much.

Don't thank me,
just give me a stick.

Donna?

Hello. Hello.

Ah! Get off!

Gaz! Get off him.
Leave him, Simon. He's not worth it.

What do you want?
I need to use your garage.

It's out of my hands.
I've let myself go.

Yeah, you are looking a bit jowly.

From me job. That makes no sense.

Anyway, I need to use the
garage to store my elves.

I've become too emotionally attached.

Oh and that does make sense.

Simon, this is your Uncle Gaz.

Say hello, Simon.

"Hello, Simon." Oh, you stop that.

He's being silly.

"Women can't drive."

Easy, this.

Piece of piss.

I can't believe
I've been sacked. Me!

You're the boss. You sacked yourself!

Yeah, well I'd better tell Donna.

MOBILE RINGS

Ah-ah.
No taking phone calls at the wheel.

Donna! Simon!

Who are them two bald
bastards at our table?

You know you're getting
older when the pub seems
like it's full of kids.

Gaz, what have I created?

All I wanted to do was make
the pub more suitable for
bringing babies in.

Who would have thought it would lead
to... People bringing babies in?
Fate is mocking me.

You should have campaigned
for something good, like
table football or a late licence.

Or banning children!
Let's scale the building again!

Sorry, Jonny. Got to get back to
work. I thought you fired yourself.
That was yesterday.

Since Donna smashed up half the cars
on the street, I've re-hired myself
with a pay rise. See you in a bit.

Don't leave me alone
with these monsters!

Gaz!

BABIES CRY

I need to find a new pub.

I need to find a new career.

What? I thought you were going
to earn pound pound pounds.

Yes, I did earn pound
pound pounds, Jonny. Three pounds.

Let's be honest. Who would pay
money for one of these ugly things?

Any normal child would
be terrified of it.

It'd drive children away if anything.

I'll take it.

Come on, Brian.
Me and you are going for a pint.

Jonny? Where's Corinthian?

All right? Shouldn't you be at work?

No, Gaz, I should not,
for I have been sacked. What for?

I don't know. Maybe something
to do with me stealing a van

and crashing it.
But that's just a guess.

Well, you did me a favour.

If you want to go out and
smash some more cars I could
probably put you on commission.

They've already replaced me,
and given the promotion.
Both to women.

Oh, that's a good thing, isn't it?
It's tokenism, that's what it is.

There was a letter come for you
from the factory. Did you see it?

No. Hey!
Maybe they've changed their minds.

Maybe they'll take
me back after all. OK.

"Dear daughter,
It is so hard to write this letter,
knowing I will never see you again.

"I hope you can forgive me

"and know you'll have a better
life with a loving family
than I could ever offer you."

All right, Louise?

Oh, God, Louise, you heard that.

My own mother reaching out
to me across the decades.

I'm sorry.

Basildon Bond! And a fountain pen.
That reeks of cash.

I'm rich!

Oh my God!

I've dropped my pencil.

I'd better...bend down
and pick it up.

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