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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,640
This programme contains adult humour.
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00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,840
I've just come to tell you
there's a ship needs a singer.
3
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Sails from Plymouth
to Mauritius tomorrow.
4
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,920
Janet,
Speedycruise needs YOU on that ship.
5
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:18,760
But I haven't told Johnny yet.
6
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,440
PHONE RINGS
7
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,040
Hello?
8
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,240
See you in an hour.
9
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:39,520
with bubbles in it
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00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:46,040
handle anything stronger now
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Bollocks!
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Bollocks to bollocksing
bollocksy bollocks!
13
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:12,920
And bum!
14
00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:17,120
What's up? I can't believe you said
"bum"! That's not like you.
15
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,080
Donna, don't start with
the girlie talky crap.
16
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,840
We need to get home to enjoy my...
17
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,360
my pee-ness de resistance.
18
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,920
The only thing your "pee-ness"
has ever resisted was a wash.
19
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:36,080
I've been offered a job. Jonny?
A job! Brilliant!
20
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:40,520
Means I don't have to get one,
I can bond with the baby.
21
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,080
My God! Where is he?
22
00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:43,720
Jonny, that's him.
23
00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:46,480
Is it?
24
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:49,760
Didn't he used to have a moustache?
25
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:53,840
Look, the problem is,
the job's on a cruise ship.
26
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,240
Speedycruise. For three months!
27
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,440
How can I?
28
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,520
It's such a heart-rending decision.
Should I stay? Should I go?
29
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,920
And I'd have to leave you all!
Leave you I would!
30
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,600
Janet, this is a big decision.
31
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:16,240
The biggest of your life. And can I
just say that nobody's really arsed.
32
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,040
And my baby, he's so helpless!
33
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,400
And Jonny, he's so feckless.
34
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,920
Oh, God! What do you think, Jonny?
35
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:28,480
I'll be upstairs killing myself.
36
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:38,960
It's OK. I understand. It's fine.
37
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,120
I mean... No, it's fine, honest.
38
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,200
All right? See you later.
39
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,160
See you, mate. Bye-bye.
40
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,840
THAT MAN IS A BASTARD!
I'M KICKING OFF BIG-STYLE!
41
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,680
After a little sulk.
42
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,840
Aw, Gaz.
43
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:02,200
Newsagent run out
of Felch Magazine?
44
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,640
Don't be stupid,
it's his biggest seller.
45
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:09,680
Why do we live in
Runcorn's gay quarter?
Runcorn doesn't have one.
46
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,640
Then who's that effeminate fella
who wants me to drink with him?
47
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,960
That's Jonny.
48
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,560
Now come on, what's up?
49
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,160
Donna.
50
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,480
I'm not good enough for you.
51
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:27,360
Well, duhhh.
52
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:31,400
My dad's retiring. He's selling
the garage. I'm out of a job. What?
53
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,320
80 grand he wants for it.
54
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:39,640
80 grand! Bloody hell! You
could buy a small meadow for that!
55
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,240
A small meadow with oats and barley
56
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,400
and perhaps a corner given to
raspberries and strawberries.
57
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,040
Maybe a pony.
You'd need a plough.
58
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,320
Sorry, I just really want a meadow.
59
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,840
What am I gonna do?
60
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,400
Isn't there any way he could...? No.
61
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,960
Maybe you could...? No.
62
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,120
Couldn't you just...? No.
63
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,200
Then we've explored every option.
64
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,440
You're unemployed Gaz.
What are we gonna do?
65
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,080
Maybe you could...? No.
66
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:16,360
You don't know what I was going to
say. I did. It was disgusting.
67
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:36,080
Jonny, please stop trying to
kill yourself. It's so annoying.
68
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,120
I don't care.
My life is finished if you leave.
69
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:45,080
Since we were kids, it's me and you.
We've never spent more than
a few days apart.
70
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,040
Except when I got stuck in that hole.
71
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,640
We said we'd never
mention Kate again.
72
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:58,760
What are you doing? Glad you ask.
I'm cutting up our wedding photos.
73
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,720
Because you're leaving me!
74
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:05,120
Jonny, they're our wedding day
photos! Our precious memories.
75
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:08,720
Hold on. Some of these
aren't even of our wedding.
76
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:13,840
I know. We only had a couple so
I went through Hello! and decided
who shouldn't be together any more.
77
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:18,200
It's splitsville for the King
of Cyprus and his lovely bride.
78
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:19,840
Babe, you can cope.
79
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:23,200
We've been through worse and
this really is my big break.
80
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,000
I mean, a cruise ship,
"Speedycruise"!
81
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,960
Imagine where that could lead!
82
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,800
In two years' time, they could be
calling me Janet of the High Seas.
83
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,200
Because I can hit that note.
84
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,880
SHE SCREECHES
85
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,720
I agree - that is stunning.
86
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,800
But I cannot allow this.
87
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,280
You're my wife.
You have to stay with me.
88
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:45,680
Marriage is about being together
forever against all obstacles.
89
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:50,840
Jonny, we will be but I've really
gotta do this. It's calling me...
90
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,720
Listen!
91
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,520
SHE SCREECHES AGAIN
92
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,040
Fine.
93
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,480
Fine.
Then I'm bringing out the big guns.
94
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,280
I'm playing the
"You Shagged Gaz" card.
95
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,440
Oh, no, Jonny, anything but that.
96
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:10,080
Yep, we agreed I could use
it once and once only to get
something I really wanted.
97
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,800
And I'm using it now.
98
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,720
Janet...
99
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:20,720
you may not go on that ship
because you once let Gaz
hurl his load up you.
100
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,320
This is the one time you're
ever going to bring it up?
101
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:31,680
That's really how much you care?
Yes...
102
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:36,320
Though now I'm regretting not using
it for that llama I had my eye on.
103
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,920
Fine. Fine. I'll stay.
104
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,840
Really? That was easy.
105
00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:45,800
I'm such a good husband.
106
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:49,880
It was my dream, Jonny. To sing
on a "Speedycruise" cruise liner.
107
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,800
But I suppose
I've made my bed now and...
Brilliant! I'm going for a kip.
108
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,280
I beg your pardon?
109
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,120
100...
110
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,320
There's £100,000...
Can you believe...?
111
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,520
So...I'm rich!
112
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,320
I'm rich!
113
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:24,480
But you're poor.
I'm sorry - have my wine gums!
114
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,840
I'm rich!
115
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,280
I'm fairly rich, I tells ya!
116
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,120
OK. OK. Stop.
You have a beautiful voice.
117
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,800
Just like me!
118
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,960
No, I do have talent.
I just need an outlet for it.
119
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,080
It's my dream and...
120
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,800
< Mah...
121
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,440
Did you hear that? What?
122
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,840
Corinthian just said, "Mah".
123
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:22,760
Though I think what he was trying
to say was, "Mah heart will go on."
124
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:26,400
Oh, you are so talented! Yes!
125
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,000
Come on, try this.
126
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:36,840
Janet, I find it admirable
that you're making inept noises
at your child
127
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,600
like some form
of cave-dwelling reptile,
128
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:44,680
but help me think of something
to stick in this get well card
to my mum. Oh, is she poorly?
129
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,440
Yeah, she's in hospital dying.
130
00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:48,760
What?!
131
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:54,400
Kilroy or Kia-ora or
kidney failure - something medical.
132
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,280
Anyway, very dull.
133
00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:03,080
Louise! Kidney failure!
You've gotta go to her.
She needs her family round her.
134
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:05,360
That's what everyone says.
135
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:08,880
I just think cards say more. Look...
136
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,120
On the front, a train...
137
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:16,240
On the inside,
"Sorry for your news!"
138
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:20,080
What more could I possibly say
in person?
139
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:27,160
Louise, if I was poorly, the person
I would most want to be near me
would be musical genius Corinthian.
140
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,480
Really? Yes. Absolutely, Louise.
141
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:34,280
Oh. I didn't realise parents
actually loved their children.
142
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:40,000
We do-oh...
ray-me-fah-so-lah-tea-doh!
143
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:43,400
CORINTHIAN WAILS
Oh!
144
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,800
HE BURPS
145
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,040
No.
146
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,840
Don't drink and dial, Gaz.
Don't drink and dial.
147
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,840
No. Actually...yeah...
148
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,760
I will dial.
149
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,760
Dad! You're a bastard!
150
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,880
Oh, hiya, Gran.
151
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:15,840
No, I didn't actually mean
he was a bastard.
152
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,800
Oh, he is?
153
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:23,400
No, it was a different world back
then, with the blitz and all that.
Yeah.
154
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,000
Don't worry yourself.
155
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,440
Love to pops. Bye.
156
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,920
Gaz! Gaz! Guess what?
157
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:35,400
The money came through
from selling my mum's house!
All the money, it came through!
158
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:40,920
It's so... It's so sad
cos she's dead and all...
159
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,120
but it's so cool!
160
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,960
All that money!
What I was thinking was...
161
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:50,800
SHE SINGS A FANFARE
162
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:58,600
What? And when I'd finished
thinking that, I thought,
this is the end of all our problems.
163
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:03,920
What d'you mean? You don't have
to worry about being unemployed any
more cos you can be my monkey.
164
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,920
Dance, monkey boy, dance!
165
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,800
What are you talking about?
I said dance!
166
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:20,040
This is brilliant!
You're gonna buy the garage! No, no.
167
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:25,440
No, no... Gaz,
I'm gonna buy the mobile library.
168
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,840
Women and their bloody whims.
169
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:35,080
I wanna career, I wanna
baby, I wanna mobile library.
170
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,880
All the same. What?! Look, Gaz.
171
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,560
This is perfect.
172
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:46,640
I get my brilliant career as bucket
executive and I get to employ you
in...The Donnabulibrary!
173
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,760
The what?
174
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,000
The Donnabulibrary.
175
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:55,360
Catchy, innit? I came up with it
myself. Didn't need help from
marketing or nothing.
176
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:02,920
Yeah, brilliant. But I don't wanna
run a mobile library. I'm not...
You're not what?! You have no job,
177
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:09,160
no means of supporting yourself and
I have the power! Power, I tells ya!
Yeah, but I don't... And, Gaz! And!
178
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:14,520
Didn't you sleep with my best friend
once even though we promised never
to mention it again?
179
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,760
Yep.
180
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,920
Stop the nostalgic smiling.
181
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,880
OK.
182
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:30,960
So, won't you, Gaz Wilkinson, be a
grateful little bunny and come and
work for me in the Donnabulibrary?
183
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,440
I thought I was a monkey,
not a bunny.
184
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:37,840
Dance, monkey-bunny! Dance!
185
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,600
Come on! Yeah!
186
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,360
You can stop now.
That's just embarrassing.
187
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,040
God, it's slack in here.
188
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,400
Yeah, business does seem
a little quiet.
189
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,840
I wasn't talking about the pub.
190
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,560
I'm a prime example
of modern-day manhood.
191
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,560
Janet wanted this stupid
singing job on a cruise ship.
192
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:13,320
I clipped them wings proper-style
and stamped on her inner pigeon.
193
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,200
That's what Donna's doing to me.
194
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,240
A mobile library.
It's so iniquitous.
195
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:24,080
What? It's starting already!
The books are coming!
196
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,560
The big words are after me!
197
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,280
It's vexatious. Rebarbative, even.
198
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,560
Ugh!
199
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,440
You know, my dad clipped
my mum's wings.
200
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:42,600
I love the institution of marriage.
When they first got wed,
she wanted a job at the launderette.
201
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:48,000
She wanted to better herself. She'd
seen EastEnders and the glamorous
lives those women lead there.
202
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,280
Yeah, that blonde piece is fit.
203
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:56,000
If I was Martin Fowler, I'd relish
the day I came shooting
outta that birth canal.
204
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,760
So my dad stopped her.
For the good of the family.
205
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,760
Quite right, too.
So she's a housewife, then?
206
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,440
No, she's a prostitute.
207
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,360
A role model for many young
business women.
208
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:13,280
She can make up to and over £4
a night if she has enough clients.
What?! A prossie?
209
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,360
Janet!
210
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:18,720
He's so fractious. Ugh!
211
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,000
Come on!
212
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,040
Please be a musical genius!
213
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,120
Maybe I should try a bit of Mozart.
214
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,280
Fine, I know no Mozart.
215
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,440
Come on, please, out with it! I can
tell you're gonna sing something.
216
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:39,880
HE BREAKS WIND
217
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,640
Was that an aria?
218
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,240
Of your own composition?
Oh, you are a genius!
219
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,440
Guess what Corinthian just did.
220
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,400
Thank you very much, Janet!
221
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,480
OK. Yes, thanks a big bunch!
My pleasure.
222
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,000
Thank you a bucket-load!
223
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,680
If you're being genuine, it's coming
across a little bit sarcastic.
224
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,520
I went to visit "the mother"
in hospital.
225
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:06,360
Oh, I'm sorry.
226
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,400
Was it upsetting?
227
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,240
I thought it might be. Are you OK?
228
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:15,480
First off, she didn't eat the grapes
I'd bought her.
229
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:20,160
Said they were made of "wax",
whatever that means.
230
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:24,080
I went all the way to IKEA
for those, ungrateful cow.
231
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:29,560
Aw. I think you're covering up the
pain of seeing your mum being ill.
232
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,960
Oh, God, no, that was fine.
233
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:37,360
But what she said to me...
about her disease...
234
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,600
Louise, is it not good news?
235
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,040
No, it's not. Is she...?
236
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,320
Yes, she is.
237
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:49,880
She's...asking for my help.
238
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,600
Oh.
239
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,760
Well, maybe you should help her.
240
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,760
She said it's the only thing
that'll save her.
241
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,480
Complete emotional blackmail
if you ask me.
242
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:06,640
Louise. She's a mother.
She'd never use emotional blackmail.
243
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,920
And you are going to sing,
aren't you, Corinthian?
244
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,160
Sing! SING OR MUMMY WON'T LOVE YOU!
245
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:17,160
Oh... Oh, God, what have I done?
What have I become?
246
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,600
I suppose.
I mean, she did give birth to me.
247
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,760
The least I can do
is give her my kidney.
248
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,960
She needs your kidney!
249
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,880
That's terrible!
250
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,560
A kidney! Oh, God, imagine!
251
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,080
I'm going to be scarred.
252
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:35,760
The incision is this big!
253
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,120
But that's like, an inch.
254
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,120
I know! I might as well
be that elephant man.
255
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:45,440
You know, Babar.
256
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,840
Lou, it's just one of the things
you have to do to be a family.
257
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,160
We all have to sacrifice something
to live a good life. You, a kidney,
258
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,720
me, my hopes, my dreams
and my elasticity.
259
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,720
Still can't crack a walnut.
260
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,720
I'll go back to the hospital,
see if I'm a match.
261
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,720
My magnanimity knows no bounds.
262
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,360
Yeah, but I bet yours
can still crack a walnut.
263
00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:16,200
Janet! YOU ARE NOT GONNA BE
A CHEAP HOOKER! You're not,
you're not, you're not!
264
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,200
Donna!
265
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,080
You can't treat me like this.
266
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,480
It's egregious. Urgh!
267
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:33,520
What? I'm not a Donnabulibrarian!
268
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,800
No, I'm a mechanic!
A skilled mechanic.
269
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:42,840
I can fix nearly anything you throw
at me. Please don't throw anything
at me! But I have loads of money!
270
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,680
And money brings power. Listen...
271
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:49,440
"Ker-ching!"
Now dance, monkey boy, dance!
272
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,960
No! I am a mechanic!
273
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:59,200
I'm a bloody good one too, and I
like it! But you'll like working
in the Donnabulibrary even better.
274
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,960
No, I wouldn't!
Not in a million years.
275
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:05,720
When was the last time
you saw me with a book?
You picked up Harry Potter.
276
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,160
That's only cos Hermione's
become legal.
277
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,640
It's Charlotte Church
all over again.
278
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,320
Please, Donna,
279
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:18,560
don't make me work with books.
Please.
280
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,920
Really?
281
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,960
Really. Please. You know...
282
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:26,880
I'd rather be unemployed. I'd rather
be a waster. I'd rather be Jonny!
283
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,560
Jesus, that is bad.
284
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,240
I had no idea you felt like that.
285
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,440
Yeah, well, I do.
286
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,120
OK, I'll do it, Gaz.
I'll buy the garage.
287
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:43,080
Or a meadow.
288
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,480
No, I'll buy the garage.
289
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,840
Wargh!
290
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,480
Don't be a prostitute!
Don't be a prostitute!
Don't be a prostitute!
291
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,040
I swear to God, this had better
not be reverse psychology.
292
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:03,320
It's not! Though I would utterly
hate an egg butty round about now.
293
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,040
And don't be a prostitute! OK.
294
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:11,160
I'm gonna let you spread your wings,
Janet. So you don't have to
spread your legs.
295
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,600
You may take the job
on the cruise ship.
296
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,720
What? I don't want to be
the one to crush your dreams.
297
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,240
So you may take the singing job.
298
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,680
Oh, I "may", may I?!
299
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,480
"May", is it?
300
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,320
I MAY take this job on the liner!
301
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,320
I can go and follow my dream
cos Jonny says I MAY!
302
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,960
Yes, you may.
303
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:35,720
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
304
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,400
Ha! Have it, Corinthian,
you talentless has-been!
305
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,920
On one condition.
Anything! I'll do anything!
306
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,880
I'm coming with you. I'm gonna get
doped up on lemons to avoid scurvy.
307
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,520
I'm gonna watch Captain Pugwash
to acclimatise.
308
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,960
And I've already got my sea legs -
watch!
309
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,240
Whoa!
310
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,760
Whoa...
311
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,480
OK, I feel a bit sick.
312
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,440
Really? You'll come with?
313
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:05,960
It's going to be brilliant! They've
got creche facilities for Corinthian
and you'd be a great cabin boy.
314
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,240
A galley slave?
315
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,920
A pirate.
You know me so well.
316
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,040
Ooo-arrrr.
317
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,920
You what?
318
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,320
Arrr, Jim lad!
319
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:29,680
What?
320
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,200
Land...over there!
321
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,920
Arrrr.
322
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,600
And once again, what?
323
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,720
I'm being a pirate! It's my new job.
324
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,680
You know piracy isn't actually
a job, Jonny.
325
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,760
That's right. It's a calling.
326
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,240
Arrr.
327
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:53,400
Janet's the one with the real job.
She's the one running your life and
having all the money and control.
328
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,120
Arrrr!
329
00:20:56,120 --> 00:21:01,800
You know, I don't know how
I'm going to cope with Donna
running the garage. I don't.
330
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,960
What you have to do with women is
let 'em think that they're in charge.
331
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:11,280
So you do whatever they say for
a bit, then when they're lulled
into a false sense of security,
332
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,520
curl up into a ball
and cry like a child.
333
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,840
That's no good!
334
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:22,320
I feel like, castrated.
And not in a good way.
335
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:27,800
Do as I say, Gaz. I'm telling you,
it works. Jonny, you owe the bar
a tenner from last week's tab.
336
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,840
HE FAKES SOBBING
337
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:39,320
Fine. You can have until Friday. If
he didn't have mental health issues,
I swear I'd not stand for it.
338
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,520
Lou, how'd it go at the hospital?
339
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:52,160
Oh, you know. Awful for me.
340
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,320
Oh, poor you.
341
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:59,880
In more interesting news... I'm so
excited! And so's Corinthian! And
so's Jonny! Janet of the High Seas!
342
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,160
SHE SCREECHES
343
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,160
I get the results back later today.
344
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:11,320
Then I'll know if they're going
to take my cool, cool kidney and
shove it in her big fat back.
345
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,520
Aw, don't be daft.
It's a good thing you're doing.
346
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,000
And I'll never bag a surgeon now.
347
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:21,320
Who'll want to marry a woman
you've already been inside
with a pair of callipers?!
348
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,680
Jonny married me.
349
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,800
I don't want to go back to the
hospital. It's only my benevolent
nature that's making me.
350
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,680
Jesus, will you two shut up!
351
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,360
Trying to buy a garage here.
352
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:38,920
Oh, I'm really going to miss
you, my dear angry bitch.
353
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,080
And you, my beloved
squeaky twat-bag.
354
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:43,960
Come on, group hug.
355
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:47,720
Oh, she's so far away. I know.
356
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,280
Are we ready?
Are we ready? Are we ready?
357
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,200
Almost. Just one more thing.
358
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,720
Awww. Is that Corinthian's?
359
00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:01,480
No. It's Jonny's. I'm gonna see
the world! I'm gonna have a girl
in every port!
360
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:06,240
I'm gonna eat so many winkles
and be so popular I'll have seamen
coming out of my ears!
361
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:10,480
Is he joking?
No, the crew are allowed to
masturbate in your ears apparently.
362
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,560
Excuse me, where's his passport?
Who?
363
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,000
The baby, madam.
364
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,440
Oh, he doesn't have one. He's only
yea big. We were gonna stick him
in the hold.
365
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,960
Without a passport,
he can't get on the ship.
366
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,400
But...
367
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,920
But...
368
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,560
Jonny!
369
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,560
What do we...?
370
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,400
Janet...
371
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,600
It's OK.
372
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,000
I'll stay with our child.
373
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:48,760
I'll stay with Corinthian.
You follow your dream.
374
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,360
OK. Cool. Bye.
375
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:53,200
Yes! You fly, my darling!
376
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,920
You reach the highest mountain.
Touch the brightest... OK. Bye!
377
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,640
..star.
378
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:06,400
I know, Dad.
She really is the perfect woman.
379
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,360
I loved her
in that Miss Congeniality.
380
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:15,320
Donna's not so bad either, is she?!
381
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:19,080
All right, well,
I'll see you in a bit. Bye.
382
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,280
God I hate that bastard!
383
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,600
Right you, on your knees
and polish my trotters.
384
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:30,720
Yes, dear. You have all the power
and you're in complete control
of our relationship. I know.
385
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:34,600
Look at you, eh? Employee.
Colleague.
386
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,240
Staff. Co-worker. Hired help.
387
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,320
Partner? Slave.
388
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:43,840
But Jonny said...
Dance, monkey boy, dance!
389
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,920
What? Work it!
390
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,440
Gaz? What's the matter?
391
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,840
Have I gone too far?
392
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,920
Have I emasculated you? I'm sorry.
393
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,720
Don't cry, I'll do anything.
394
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:06,320
Anything? ..Yes, even that.
I'll get the shackles.
395
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,760
Master of cunning.
396
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:18,600
Janet! Janet Keogh - light of
my life and damp on my tissue.
397
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:24,680
How the devil are you? Tommy! Oh,
it's so good to see a friendly face.
I'm so nervous.
398
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:29,480
No need. No need at all to be
nervous. You've got Tommy looking
after you now, girl.
399
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:33,160
As I said to Fiona Phillips the
other day... You know Fiona Phillips?
400
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,120
When I get sad, I talk to my telly.
401
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:40,480
You'll be wanting to see your
costume. Ooh, I get a costume?
402
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,960
This is just like the X Factor,
only I get a costume.
403
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,960
There you go, gorgeous!
404
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,160
Is it a ball gown?
Is it a cocktail dress? Is it...?
405
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:57,280
Obviously, once you've started the
performance, you'll be taking it off.
406
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,400
Will you be needing a wax?
407
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:01,480
Juan from housekeeping is amazing.
408
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:07,880
I'm entirely silken
from here...to here.
409
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:15,560
Then, he asked if I needed a wax.
410
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,680
I mean!
411
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:21,680
When have you ever known me
to have a wax? Never.
412
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,200
And neither of us are working.
413
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,800
So we'll never have any money.
And I love money.
414
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:35,440
Excuse me!
I have a thriving smallholding with
a number of potential investors.
415
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,640
Are you talking about your ant farm?
Obviously.
416
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,160
Look, we'll manage. We always do.
417
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:47,920
It's not like we're a young jobless
couple with no qualifications, no
prospects and a baby to look after.
418
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:51,080
That's exactly what we are. I know.
419
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,880
We're doomed, Janet! Doomed!
420
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,440
Help me! Oh, how did it go?
Are you OK?
421
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,520
No. No, I'm really not.
422
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:06,280
I went to the hospital to see what
they said about being a donor. Oh?
423
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,360
I'm not compatible.
Oh, well, isn't that good?
424
00:27:10,360 --> 00:27:13,560
For you, I mean. Not for your mum.
She faces certain death.
425
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:17,920
Mum said... Mum told me,
426
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,840
I'm adopted.
427
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:26,040
Like an orphan. Well, not like
an orphan because they're not
necessarily adopted.
428
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:29,600
Rather like...an adoptee!
429
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,440
I could almost kiss you.
34080
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