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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,080
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour.
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,000
I woke up this morning and,
er...a special...part of me...
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,040
was limp.
4
00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:13,200
A couple of us are having Mexican.
Join us.
5
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:16,480
Smells like we're having pasties.
Yes, we are.
6
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:23,920
And when I say, "A couple of us,"
I mean me...and you.
7
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:36,120
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,040
handle anything stronger now
9
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,240
We haven't got much in
for breakfast.
10
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,840
I think we used all the bread
in that new game you made up.
11
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,200
Ah, crumbs in bums.
12
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:18,280
A personal favourite of mine.
I'm so glad you're back.
13
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:19,920
Yeah, me too.
14
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,640
It was good last night, weren't it?
15
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,720
Well, familiar sex is always good.
16
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,800
You never have to wash beforehand.
17
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:32,320
You were great, though. You added
a whole new range of moves.
18
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,720
And you finally found my G-spot.
19
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,040
In exactly the same place as Kate's!
20
00:01:39,040 --> 00:01:40,640
If only I'd found out sooner.
21
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:46,040
Jonny, did you...? Did you get a lot
off Kate, while you were with her?
22
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,640
Well, obviously.
I mean, she's different, isn't she?
23
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:54,640
She's a whole other dimension.
She's the Twilight Zone.
24
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,680
You're the Comfort Zone.
25
00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,920
I can do stuff. Watch what I can do.
26
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,840
If I make a clover with my tongue,
imagine my fanny!
27
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,000
Oh, tell me what you did with her.
28
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,080
No, Jan. It would be too weird.
29
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,520
I won't be offended. I promise.
30
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,600
OK. OK.
31
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,560
Mainly, she would... La-la-la la la!
32
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,800
The job is semi-permanent.
33
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:36,240
It's thirty-seven-and-a-half hours
per week and you can start tomorrow.
34
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:41,200
I don't see a problem. It's at
The Office Of National Statistics.
35
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,680
Look,
this is a REALLY important job.
36
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:49,560
You've got to collate all this info
about all these people. Information?
37
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,120
What kind of information?
38
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,800
Well, you know, credit history,
criminal convictions.
39
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,000
I mean,
they can check what you buy at Asda.
40
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,920
So I...I'd be like God.
41
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:07,360
Well, if God wanted to know
how often people bought Persil.
42
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,320
I'll take it. I'll give 'em a ring.
43
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,360
And I'll be checking you out
for a start.
44
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,040
Kiddy fiddler.
45
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,240
Donna, are we OK?
46
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,720
You left in a huff, I...sorry.
I think we need to talk.
47
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:36,440
You said talking
was for women and Kilroys.
48
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,880
Please! I don't want to lose you.
49
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,720
You're my bit of stuff.
50
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,000
You're me...me dolly bird.
51
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,960
You're my stinking man's trumpet.
52
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:50,000
OK!
53
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,920
Let's talk properly.
54
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,960
PHONE RINGS
55
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,440
'Wait for the beep.
56
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,840
'Leave your message.
57
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:07,360
'Wait for the beep.'
58
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,880
PHONE BEEPS
59
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,400
Donna, hi. Hope this is the number.
60
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,720
Look, er...I just wanted to say
thanks for last night.
61
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,880
And, well, I really enjoyed it.
I think we should do it again.
62
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,280
Call me.
MACHINE BEEPS
63
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:28,440
Was that your cousin?
He sounds super.
64
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:35,160
Gaz, it's not like that. I'm calm.
I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not.
65
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,200
Yes. Yes, you are. You're asleep.
66
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,520
And I'm not Donna.
67
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:45,440
I am Florinda,
the dancing bus conductor.
68
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,960
Ooh!
69
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:51,720
Gaz, Gaz! Wake up! You're having
a dreadful dream. Oh, oh, was I?
70
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,400
Well, thank God you woke me up.
71
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,360
Look! I've got a message.
72
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:04,400
Donna, hi. I hope this is
the number. Look, er...I just...
73
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:10,880
He's my tutor. Your tutor?
In my day, if a teacher did that,
he'd be relegated to PE.
74
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:14,920
We just had dinner. Dinner?
What restaurant did you go?
75
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,360
Not Abbra-kebabra. That's our place.
No. What restaurant, then?
76
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,320
Well, the one...
77
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,320
on his settee.
78
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,760
Jesus, Donna! Are you stupid?
He could have... How old is he?
79
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,600
30. And good-looking?
80
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,080
Well,
only in a really fit kind of way.
81
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:41,480
Jesus! Am I stupid or something?
You wouldn't have understood.
82
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:46,680
I need him to like me.
I need good marks. You big prossie!
That's not how you get good marks.
83
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,480
You work hard, climb every mountain
and other such balls.
84
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:55,120
Gaz, it's not like that.
I would have told you...
85
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,520
PHONE RINGS
Oh! Gaz, let me get it.
86
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,560
What? So you can keep more secrets?
I don't like secrets, Donna.
87
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:08,720
What's he got to say for himself?
Oh, Donna, you forgot your smalls.
They're hanging from my face.
88
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,880
Hello, message for Gary Wilkinson.
This is Dr Chalmers.
89
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,160
I can't say much, confidentiality,
90
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,560
but I do need you to come back to
the surgery for tests. Thank you.
91
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,560
Is that your cousin?
She sounds super.
92
00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:33,760
I can get Penelope Keith's
phone number like that.
93
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:38,800
Why would you want it? And I know
where Westlife live. Ireland.
94
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,800
Did you look us lot up on there?
95
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,840
What for? I already know where
you live. And your phone number.
96
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:52,520
And Gaz's credit card has
a lot of debits to She-He of Soho.
97
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:57,520
Has Jonny got, like, any sex debits?
You know, receipts for porn?
98
00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:01,760
Visits to Holland?
An unhealthy interest in apes?
99
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,240
Oh, I didn't bother with him
and his dullness.
100
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,480
Huh! Dull? Huh!
101
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,840
Since he's moved back in here, I
have been, phew, all over the shop.
102
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,480
You've been whistling?
103
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:19,760
No, he's like... He's learnt these
new positions. How many positions?
104
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,160
Oh, a lot. I don't know.
105
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,960
Anyway, it's not just the positions.
106
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,800
You know where they can spell out
the alphabet with their tongue? Yes?
107
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:34,600
Well, Jonny's learnt how to spell
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery-
chwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch.
108
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,240
Llanfar-blah-di-blah-gogo-daffodil?
109
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,280
But the thing is, right,
110
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,280
I get frightened
that I'm not as good as Kate was.
111
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:49,480
Well, why don't you offer
him something better,
112
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,120
something Kate would never do?
113
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,960
Mm! Well, I do have
an incredibly flexible twat.
114
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:01,160
Just tell me what's wrong.
You have to see a urologist?
115
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,960
Yes. I could be dying while you're
gallivanting with some teacher.
116
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:11,280
Gallivanting? Yes. How would
you describe it? Horseplay
sits uncomfortably with me.
117
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,800
I want to support you
if you're ill. I'm not ill.
118
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,720
Tell me what the matter is! OK.
119
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,760
OK.
120
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,960
My penis doesn't work.
121
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,280
What?
122
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:27,320
My penis died, Donna.
123
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,760
I'm important.
124
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,280
You're impotent.
125
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,480
What?
126
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,880
You're not IMPORTANT.
You're IMPOTENT.
127
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,280
Oh, that's it. Rub it in.
So what are you gonna do?
128
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:53,280
I'll watch you gallivant off with
some bloke and his trouser snake.
Brum! See you later.
129
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,280
Gaz, I'm sorry. I didn't realise.
It's not funny!
130
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,680
Well, can I have a go?
131
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:06,640
My dear girl, if I can't get
Mr Nudge to salute the Minogues,
you don't stand a chance.
132
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,040
Yes, but, I've got a softer touch.
133
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,800
AND I'm feeling a little peckish.
134
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:18,400
Nothing works, Donna. I even made
dumb-bells to build up his muscle.
135
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:21,120
From what? Never you mind.
136
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,760
Just don't eat the cheesy footballs.
137
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,800
Well, look. See what the doctor's
got to say first.
138
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,840
We'll stay in tonight.
139
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,880
We'll get some...music
140
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,600
and some candles and massage oil.
141
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,640
Yeah, that might work. You think?
142
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,720
Yeah, what with me being a GIRL!
143
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:45,400
Jesus, Donna! If hard-core porn
doesn't wake him up, Jean Michel
Jarre and butter won't help.
144
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,600
Oh, here y'are! Here y'are. Oh.
145
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:53,520
No. It just wants a piss.
..Come on, you.
146
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,680
See what the doctor says. Maybe
you're anaemic. We'll get spinach.
147
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,240
Spinach!
148
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,280
It's a Jap's eye, not Popeye!
149
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,480
Hello. Excuse me.
150
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,120
I, er...don't think I know you.
151
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,320
Eh?
152
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,360
And, er...
I reckon it'd be dead rude, like,
153
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,760
to meet a stranger in a bar
and do them.
154
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:29,160
That's a bit insensitive, isn't it?
I'm sat right here.
155
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,320
No! If you were a stranger.
156
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:35,440
Or if we didn't know each other and
picked each other up, it'd be sexy.
157
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,840
Oh, I get you.
158
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,640
Yeah, it's something old people do
when their sex life's rubbish.
159
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:45,280
I got it from a problem page
in Home And Garden.
160
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,320
That's where you went wrong. You
want agony pages in porn for ideas.
161
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:56,560
"I'm a married man but imagine my
surprise when blonde 16-year-old
triplets opened a shop next door.
162
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,960
"Imagine my surprise when the wife
went to visit her sister in Devon."
163
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:09,760
Jon, just try it out.
It might be sexy. No, Janet.
Sex is sexy. This is bizarre.
164
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,200
Oh, come on. Give it a go. OK, OK.
165
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,240
Hello.
166
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,080
Hi.
167
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,560
Er...what's your name?
168
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,360
I'm, um...Frances.
169
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,880
Frances! That's such a mum name.
170
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,960
OK, fine. You name us.
171
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,720
All right. I'll be called...
172
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,760
Dirk.
173
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,840
And you can be...
174
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,680
Felicity Titwangle.
175
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,680
So, er...
176
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,400
what do you do for a living, Dirk?
177
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,960
I don't do owt. You know that.
No! What does Dirk do?
178
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:56,120
I don't know! What does Felicity
Titwangle do? I'm an accountant.
179
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,240
Oh,
that's really turning me on, baby.
180
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,480
Fine! I'm a...sex accountant.
181
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,520
This is stupid. Come on, try it.
182
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,120
Um...I'm married
to a wicked, wicked man.
183
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,360
He won't ever let me perform
oral sex and I LOVE doing that.
184
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,600
Better.
185
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,120
Yes! And, er...sometimes,
when he's asleep,
186
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,000
I have to, er...
187
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,960
you know. You have to...?
188
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,000
Tickle the kipper.
189
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,240
Oh, my God! That's revolting.
190
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:38,000
"Jonny Kenner."
191
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,520
"Jonny Kenwood."
192
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,560
"Jonny Keogh!" Ha ha!
193
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,600
Oh, Jonny.
194
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,040
You're so dull.
195
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,080
Poor thing.
196
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,080
Oh! Eugh! Oh, buns!
197
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,680
Donna?
198
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,640
Been to the doctor's?
What did she say?
199
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:14,520
Even she couldn't get it up. And
she's trained to give men erections.
200
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:22,320
Where are you going? I was waiting
for you. So, surprise!
201
00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:26,920
You were going to see him,
weren't you? No. It's only brunch.
202
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:32,080
What the hell's brunch?
Can we talk about your penis?
You want to talk about my penis
203
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,880
to whet your appetite before you go
for a brunching off your tutor.
204
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,600
Brunch is a meal...
205
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:42,600
I bet it is. How long for? All day.
I need him to see my assignment.
206
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,600
Oh, I bet you do.
Not everything is an innuendo, Gaz.
207
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,480
Oh, I bet it's not.
208
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,920
Oh, by the way, the doctor said it
might be stress causing me problem.
209
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,480
Stress? You? Yes. Stress. Me.
210
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,280
You sleep through Crimewatch music.
Oh, stress has many forms, Donna.
211
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,080
The worst one being floppy cock.
212
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,000
I'm sorry, my bus. Just...
213
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,560
So, I tried to entice Jonny by doing
a bit of role-play, you know?
214
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,520
It didn't excite him the least bit.
215
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:24,120
Surprise, surprise. The unexpected
hits me between the eyes
216
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:29,280
Oh, here's Jonny. He's got us a
mucky video. I'm so avant-garde.
217
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:34,800
Well, hello. Hiya. I went to get me
job seekers and they had no record.
218
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:40,040
Oh, buns! So I can't send
any money to Ngaru this month.
219
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,000
Who's Ngaru? An African child.
220
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,080
He sends me pictures
of thin people.
221
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:49,960
Then I went to Blockbusters
to get you "Gaytricks Reloaded"
222
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:54,800
but they only had "Gaytricks
Lubrications" and my account's void.
223
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:58,880
That's weird. I think God
is trying to tell you something.
224
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,920
Maybe God made an incy error
on her computer.
225
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,840
Nothing to worry about.
Well, I'll call the council.
226
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,920
Yes. You do that. God will have
spoken to her supervisor by then.
227
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,960
Who's God's supervisor?
228
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,680
Dennis Rothschild.
229
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:21,560
Jonny, why not sit down? Whatever
you do, do not travel abroad.
230
00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,200
I wasn't going to.
I don't like their cakes.
231
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,240
Just sit there!
232
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,360
Don't do anything. Don't phone
anyone and don't try getting a job.
233
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,040
Done and done.
234
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:35,520
I'll be going.
235
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,280
I am not incompetent, OK?
236
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,880
Well, all this thinking's
making me horny. Oh, brill! Me too!
237
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,480
Come on, then. Er...hold on.
238
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,360
I've got a surprise for you.
239
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,360
Are you gonna strip? Why, yes.
240
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,880
"The Stripper"
241
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,040
Push pineapple, shake a tree
242
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,560
Push pineapple, grind coffee
243
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:28,520
If we'd gone upstairs,
I'd be on second helpings by now.
244
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,600
Come on! Wake up!
245
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,120
Come on!
246
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,640
Hiya. All right?
247
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:43,640
I've seen Donna with a strapping
man. What? You saw them together?
248
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:50,200
Yeah. He stopped me in the street
and he gave me a quid but I'm not
to spend it on drink. He was nice.
249
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,960
What...what's he like?
250
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,840
Why, who is he? I thought he was
her brother with his hand on her.
251
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,200
Where was his hand?
252
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:04,040
About there.
Why? What's...what's the matter?
253
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,160
Wait. Is...? Was he good-looking?
254
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,760
Personally,
I think he was a bit clean.
255
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,800
He smelt like girls in shops.
256
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:19,040
Munch, I need you to tell me
how good-looking this bloke was.
He's not, like, Gaz attractive.
257
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:20,560
Well, who is?
258
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:26,200
Me! We're twins.
We're exactly the same.
259
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:31,040
We're not twins. We're brothers.
We're twins. Like The Proclaimers.
260
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,280
Or The Cheeky Girls.
261
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,920
I like the fat one.
262
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:42,280
Listen, listen. Did he look like he
could, you know, handle himself?
263
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:46,360
Oh, you'd win in a fight. What,
you sure? Oh, you'd defo win him.
264
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:49,680
Not if it's Daredevil
cos he's a blind.
265
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,640
And you must never hit a blind,
even if you really want their dog.
266
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:00,760
Listen, listen. What about Donna?
Did she, er...have her arm on him?
267
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,040
Why can't you ask her?
She's not here!
268
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:07,480
I know. They're only down the road
in Abbra-kebabra.
269
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,720
Phew! There we go.
270
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,080
All back and existing.
271
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,680
Oh, you're so dull.
272
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,920
Not even a parking ticket.
273
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,920
Let's see.
274
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,680
"Truancy"?
275
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,200
Tick. "Petty theft"? Tick.
276
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,160
"Murder"? Nah, that's too much.
277
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,880
"ABH"? What's ABH?
278
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:50,040
Ha ha! A big horse, huh?
Well, you can have a big horse.
279
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,800
Tick.
280
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:56,320
"Armed Robbery"? Well, why not?
Tick.
281
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:01,360
This is SO much more fun
than stopping my nan's war pension.
282
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,680
No, you have to wait.
283
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,320
I'm thinking.
But I'm hungry for love.
284
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,920
Look at me.
I'm...I'm a hungry, hungry hormone.
285
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,960
No!
286
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,000
Huh! I've got it.
287
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:27,200
This is something brilliant.
Something Kate never did.
288
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:33,160
Yes, but I'm horny now. By the time
you've prepared this thing
I could be crushed by my testicles.
289
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:38,480
You go out. I will meet you
up at the castle in one hour. No.
290
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:43,080
But that's where your surprise is.
Look, is it just sex outside?
291
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,600
The yard is considerably closer.
292
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:49,000
No. Not just outside.
It's sex on the castle.
293
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,200
I'm not aroused by turrets.
294
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,840
It's not just the castle.
It's something else.
295
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,600
Something really brilliant. The
most amazing thing you can think of.
296
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,360
Oh! Mm.
297
00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:08,960
Oh, little hint. As Oscar Wilde
once remarked, "Oil your bumhole."
298
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,920
There you go.
299
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:20,840
Jonny Keogh, master criminal.
Not so dull any more.
300
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,200
I'm so kind.
301
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,720
I've been with you all day.
It doesn't seem like all day.
302
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:38,760
Donna, if truth be beauty
and beauty be truth,
303
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,360
you're the most honest
girl that ever...be.
304
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,160
You have a jalapeno in your hair.
305
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,680
You're so deep.
306
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,200
You're like a bucket I once knew.
307
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,720
So. About us.
308
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,240
Eh?
309
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,040
I really, really like you, Donna.
310
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:04,600
I like you too.
You talk like a snob. Thank you.
311
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:08,520
So, are you going to stay
at mine tonight?
312
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,960
Oh, well, I...
313
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:15,240
Donna, don't be shy. I thought we
were adults. Yeah, but this is...
314
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:18,560
Yeah, well, what do you expect?
Look, Donna,
315
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:23,600
it comes down to this. Will you
come home and get As all year?
316
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,160
Or go home and get C minuses?
317
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,560
Oh, God! I thought we were friends.
318
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,880
Well, there's always give and take.
319
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,240
And it helps
that we're attracted to each other.
320
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:46,200
I can't. Well, we can let it go now.
You're free to walk away.
But I think it might be fun.
321
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,400
We could talk about Pope
afterwards.
322
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,880
I don't know.
323
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,920
Two consenting adults.
No strings. No guilt.
324
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,360
Just good marks for great sex.
325
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,880
I feel really weird about this.
326
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,800
Come here, you. Donna!
327
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,840
Call the police! You get home.
I'm not having this.
328
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,880
You see her again
and I'll smack you.
329
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:15,200
I have to. I'm her tutor.
You've not thought this through.
No. You see her again,
330
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,000
in a non-educational sense, I'll
smack you. No, I'll punch you. Gaz!
331
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,440
Don't stop me. I'm not having some
perv impressing you with brunch.
332
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:28,040
I do know what it means and I
won't wear one, college boy. Gaz!
333
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,600
Get off me. This...this is assault.
334
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,480
Assault you? I'll aPEPPER you.
335
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:40,720
You go home, Donna. We need to talk.
Gaz, wait! Christ's sake! What?
I think you should smack him. Eh?
336
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:45,080
He propositioned me. Oh, great.
Another word I need to look up.
337
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:49,960
Punch him, Gaz! Go on! In the
smacker! Give him a bunch of fives,
338
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:56,160
wipe his chops clean and knock him
into next Wednesday and give him
a thick lip and fucking fist him!
339
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,920
I'll stop now.
340
00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,960
No, don't, please.
I-I-I'll... I'll give you money.
341
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:10,760
I don't want money.
I want you to leave Donna alone.
342
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:15,280
OK, OK. Just...don't shoot me.
Shoot you? How would I shoot you?
343
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:20,400
The gun. What gun? The one
in your trousers. I can feel it.
344
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,640
Y-You don't need to use it. OK?
345
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,920
I'm not impotent!
346
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:39,080
Oh, God, no! I never said you were.
I'm sorry. Please, I want to live.
347
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,920
My dick is massive.
348
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:47,360
He came back? He came back.
349
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,480
Mr Nudge is back in town!
Stay there, swot.
350
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,320
Oh, God! It's like prep school
all over again.
351
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,800
You. Home. No. You home. You home.
352
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,760
Woman! Man!
353
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:05,520
Oh, bugger home!
Let's just find a brunch.
354
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,280
Janet!
355
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,640
Jonny!
356
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:26,680
Phwoar! Bike sex!
357
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,800
Phwoar! Great.
358
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,680
Phwoar! Police sex?
You dirty bitch!
359
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,280
Run! Run, Jonny!
360
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:53,120
Helicopter sex! This is well better
than anything Kate ever did.
361
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,640
Jonny, get out of here! Go! What?
362
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,840
Are we joining the mile high club?
363
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:00,880
Jonny!
364
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,760
No! Get off!
365
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,160
Get off me bird! Get off me! No!
366
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,880
Jonny!
367
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,120
THIS IS THE POLICE.
368
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:23,440
Put your weapons DOWN
and your hands UP.
369
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:30,600
Put the GUN down, Mr Keogh.
We can see it in your pocket.
370
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,760
I haven't got a gun.
This is just a Crunchie.
371
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:45,280
No-o-o!
372
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,720
Jonny!
373
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,440
No-o!
374
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,600
No-o!
375
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,120
No!
376
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,240
That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell
377
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,920
and that's Jonny.
378
00:26:54,880 --> 00:27:00,360
Was written in the stars
379
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:04,320
Yeah
380
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:18,360
Oh
381
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,960
Into place
382
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:42,080
Your face
383
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,360
The place where we are
384
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:53,560
The place where we are
30362
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