Original subtitles

I miss this, Jonny.

I miss you. Yeah, you know I miss you too.

If we have a few bevvies tonight, and we can't get a taxi home,

can we crash here tonight? Your bed's a bit big for one, isn't it?

Just let me go and have a think about that...

whilst I vomit.

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

RADIO IS ON

Good party last night.

Mmm...well, no-one died.

Huh, no, but it was still good.

Jonny, you know yesterday, when...

Sure I can't make you anything, Janet? You were so kind letting me stay here. It's no trouble. Really?

I thought we were a bit noisy last night. Didn't hear a thing.

Even when the legs came off the bed? No. Or when the ironing board snapped? Slept right through it.

There were car alarms going off all down the street.

Look, I didn't hear it, all right?

Sorry... I'm a bit nervous, I've got a new boss starting at work today.

Great! You can pretend you've got Tourette's and say swear words when they call the register!

They don't have a register at work, Jonny. Jonny Keogh? A big monkey's bell-end, Miss!

Jonny doesn't understand work. Yeah, I do. I run my own small business.

Going in to the off-licence for underage kids is not a business.

So how did I earn £4.90 and a packet of Space Raiders last week?

Are you all decent? I haven't seen a naked man for weeks,

and with all due respect, Jonny, I don't want to lose my innocence to your pasty little knob.

It's 7.30am. You never get up before 10. Well, I'm not a student any more.

I have to go out and look for work now, like Jesus, or The Littlest Hobo.

Well, you can walk me to the bakery. Bye, Janet! Can I take a shower?

Fine. Help yourself. Take everything that's precious to me!

Ow!

What's this?!

I don't think Janet likes me very much. Oh, rubbish.

Women can tell these things, Jonny. I think all your friends hate me. You're mental, they love you.

Yuck,

she's mental. I hate her. Who?

Kate. Oh. Did you not see her last night?

All lovey-dovey in front of Janet, then shags Jonny in Janet's bed. She's cruel.

Gaz, have you ever wished a person dead? Sometimes I wish Ted Rogers was dead.

Ted Rogers IS dead.

My God, what is this power I'm cursed with?

I didn't want a proper conversation anyway.

What you reading? Well, Sir Thomas Malory's Le Mort d'Arthur.

I've read that one. No, you haven't. Yes, I have.

It's the one where they go surfing on top of that van. No, you're thinking of Teenwolf.

This is about the age of chivalry - a bygone era,

when dashing knights did noble deeds for chaste and comely maidens.

I'm a dashing knight. Who made you that cup of tea? I made it.

Yeah, and who went for the chips on Friday in the pissing rain? Me.

And there's loads of other examples. So if I set you a quest for me, you'd do it? Well, yeah,

but if we're acting out scenes from books, might I suggest some titles from my own library?

No, Gaz - that's porn. This is classic literature.

These are based on classic literature. Look, Pleasure Island...

Lust Of The Mohicans...

MacBiff. Beltin'!

I knew I shouldn't have got you that book token. Ooh, Moby Dick!

Hang on, that's yours! I know.

Sir Gaz, your quest - should you choose to accept it - is to split up Jonny and Kate.

What? Seriously? Yes. For me. Well, how do I do it?

Well, I don't know do I? Well, did Sir Lancelot ask Guinevere,

"Uh, sweetheart, how do you want these dragons shifting?"

I don't know. Did he? No he didn't. He just, you know, slayed them.

Look, if you do this quest for me, I'll do a couple of chapters of... The Count Of Monte Cristo.

Doesn't say "Count".

New boss, eh? Very exciting.

Disappointing, really. I applied for the job myself but they obviously found someone more experienced.

Obviously. Have you met him yet?

He's a she. No, I just know her name.

Oh, Louise, funnily enough.

What's the matter? Nothing... I just... Nothing.

So how is your job-hunting going?

Very well. It's amazing how easy it is when you've got a degree. It opens doors for you.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway... I shall see you later.

Janet, you're three minutes late...

..but I'll let you make it up later.

Ta-da!

Look what I've got. Oh, a surfboard, brilliant.

No it's a new ironing board for Janet to replace the one that we, you know, sexually harassed.

You might as well have got her a surfboard, the amount she'll use it. I just want her to stop hating me.

She doesn't hate you. And Donna and Louise hate me.

Well, that's what happens when you go out with a fanny magnet - girls get jealous.

Well, I know, but it's not just girls. Gaz never even speaks to me.

Gaz has said some very nice things about you. What, nice tits?

And arse - he likes that too.

In the pub later, try actually talking to him. All right, Jonny. I only want you to be happy.

Then that's all that I want too.

Ow!

Ow!

Gaz, can we have a break, please? We've only been doing it an hour.

I thought it was your dream to build a car out of parts that you'd headed. It is.

But you're not aiming very well.

I could tell by the way you threw that gearbox at my goolies something's up. Yeah, sorry, mate.

It's just I've told Donna I'll split Jonny and his girlfriend up. Why?

Because she's not good for him and he doesn't realise... and I get to act out a dirty book.

I think if you love a person, sometimes you have to hurt them. Have you read it?

Like when you give me electric shocks to help me remember things. You have to be cruel to be kind.

You know, you're right.

I should just find them and get it over and done with. Yeah, well done, mate.

LOUD CRASH Agh!

1066...

William the Conqueror brings fear and annihilation

but also croissant and the pain au chocolat.

1762...

The Earl of Sandwich puts some chicken between two slices of toast

and our eating habits are revolutionised for ever.

Louise, there are customers waiting out there. 1963 -

Beatlemania.

Linda McCartney will later go on to invent the vegetarian pasty.

The future - where next for baking?

CHEESY MUSIC PLAYS

Thank you. Any questions?

Right, meeting over.

And remember, the door to my office is always open...

so I can see what you're doing.

Lights. Can I just say how much I enjoyed the cartoon show?

What? I never liked history at school, but you made it come alive. Uh, yes...

I'm off for lunch now, Janet.

You can come with me if you like.

You don't have to go out for lunch - this is a bakery. I'm not eating here!

You hear stories about this place.

I know somebody who likes you. What apart from you? Yep. Who?

Mr Hand.

Hello, Kate.

I wuv you very much.

Hello, Mr Hand. You'll always be kind to me, won't you? Yes, I will.

And you'll never do anything horrible when I'm not around?

Um...

if you want that kind of promise, you're probably better off with Mr Left Hand.

All right, sweetheart? Jonny, let's always be together, let's not be distracted by silly friends.

OK. From now on, it's just you and me and nobody else. All right, Jon?

All right, Gaz? Hey... Any of you lads fancy a drink?

I'll have a pint! We need to have a serious talk. One day we will, but you can't rush these things.

A couple of pints over there for my mates, thanks!

You're impossible to talk to. I come in and you're all demonstrative...

Demonstrative? Sorry, it's just some of Donna's big words have hopped over to me like nits.

Yesterday, I said "forthwith"!

Hello, Kate, hello. This is what I'm talking about, man! Your girlfriend's destroying you.

She's clingy, she's manipulative, she's two-faced, she's... ..Cheers!

She's really bad for you. Gaz, you're wrong. Have you ever tried actually talking to her?

Yeah, I've said, "Pint, please." Why else would you talk to a girl unless you're trying to shag her?

That's it! What? Go over there, flirt with her a bit, chat her up.

She thinks you all hate her. We do!

In fact, the two of you should go out together, without me, and really get to know each other.

I bet you've got loads in common. You're both...

English...

and you've both...

had your tonsils out. Well, you haven't, but... Wait, you think we should go out together?

Yeah. Well, if you're sure...

Yeah, I am.

Fine.

Hiya.

Save your appetite, I'm taking you out tonight, love. Oh,

I don't know if I can...

OK. I finish at half seven. Half seven?

Hello, is that the regional manager?

I'd like to say thank you, sir, for appointing Louise our team leader.

Not only is she an inspiration to young women, but she's killed in many areas. Skilled!

She is skilled in many areas, not killed. Try again,

with a bit more enthusiasm this time. Hello! Is that the regional manager?!

Louise, we're locking up. Kelly, you were supposed to finish an hour ago.

Louise let me stay for some training. I've done timesheets and payroll and weekly report.

Basically all the things Louise is meant to do? Yep, innit great? I can't believe you're bullying people!

She's not bullying me, she's grooming me. Like a... Paedophile.

I'm moulding her in my own image so she'll be ready to replace me.

You've only been here a day.

So I won't be here forever like the rest of you.

You're an insensitive cow sometimes.

How dare you speak to your team leader like that?

That merits a written warning.

What? I've called her worse than that in Christmas cards.

Until four o'clock we are in a work environment and anything you say to offend me can get you fired.

You complete... Ah-ah-ah...!

..sick, twisted bitch! You're welcome.

Sir Gaz of Runcorn has returned to claim his reward. Ah-ha!

Gaz! Brilliant. You split them up?

No, I haven't exactly split them up. So what exactly have you done?

Bought this sword.

Gaz, I'm serious about this. Janet's having problems at work.

Jonny and Kate are driving her mad. She needs something good to happen.

If you don't do this, I will. You don't want to see me and Kate rolling round on the floor

of the pub scratching and biting each other...

No, Gaz, you just THINK you do. Like you thought you wanted to see Monsters Inc,

and then we had to leave after five minutes. That film should've never been a U. Have you got any plan?

Yes, I have, actually.

It's gonna take a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but I'll do it. For you. So what you gonna do?

Shag her.

What? Yeah, it's dead simple. I'm going to shag Kate. Jonny will find out and he'll dump her.

Then he'll dump you too and then I'll dump you too.

It's a stupid idea, Gaz. You're living in a fantasy world. I wouldn't be doing it for fun!

I'd be thinking of you, I wouldn't be enjoying it. CheersAnyway, what if she turns you down?

Now YOU'RE in a fantasy world. When did a woman ever turn me down?

I turn you down all the time. If we had sex whenever you wanted it, I'd never sleep or eat. You'd eat.

I'm not arguing with you, just think of something else.

Think of something else...

It's a stupid idea...

Living in a fantasy world... See, she didn't actually say no.

One day she's been there. She spent all morning on a stupid slide show,

she's recruited a personal slave and she put me on a written warning. What's in this pasty? Salad.

It's a hot salad pasty.

Did Louise make it? Not personally. She didn't get her hands floury all day. Just sat giving out orders.

"Cheese and onion? This is the 21st century. People want grapefruit and oysters in their pies."

God I hate her, Donna! I actually hate her. Have you told her all this?

Oh, she's told me nothing else all day.

Always listen to your employees, Donna. I model myself on that businessman. What's he called?

The one with the beard who goes round hugging people.

Willy Wonka?

That's the fella.

Anyway, she doesn't mean to be personal. I do.

I really do, Louise, you've changed. You've got arrogant, unrealistic, selfish...

Well, OK, you haven't changed, but you didn't use to be my boss and now you are and it's horrible.

That's how I know I'm doing a good job.

Oh, and then I get home to find this. Ooh, a surfboard?

"I hope this gets you as steamy as it got us. Love Kate and Jonny. Kiss, kiss, hug, kiss."

So that's what really bothering you? What? Well, it's called displacement. I read about it.

Worrying about a small problem - Louise - to cover up a more painful problem - Jonny and Kate. God!

No, here you are. It's like this pasty.

Louise is the warm pastry on the outside,

protecting you from the...red...hot...lettuce.

But don't worry, Gaz is gonna to split them up. What, he's gonna wave his wand?

No, he's not allowed to do that. But he'll think of something. Then all your problems will be over.

Oh, hello. Yes, um...

I believe you supply testicles?

All right, nearly all.

So, are you looking forward to your big DATE with Gaz?

I'd rather be with you, Jonny. Come on, he's a really friendly guy.

And this gives him a chance to try and get inside you.

Mademoiselle.

Bon...Jovi.

Hiya.

Oh, this is just great. Have you got everything you need?

That reminds me - I've just got to nip to the bog. Got a pound?

Here you go.

You're gonna have such a great time.

I do want Jonny and Kate to split up, but I don't want Jonny to get hurt. Do you know what I think?

We should change the name of the bakery to PI.

But not the word "pie", the mathematical symbol pi.

Which if you look at it, looks a bit like a pie.

Thanks for that.

Jonny, what are you doing here? Nowhere else to go.

The park was cold and there was a scary man in the bus shelter

and I'm banned from the launderette for tumble drying those hedgehogs. Where's Gaz?

He's gone for a meal with Kate. What? Yeah. Sort of a mate date.

Aren't you worried that she's gone for a meal with someone with Gaz's reputation?

Oh, just cos he ate some chips out of a grid once! The chippy had shut. You know what I mean.

The two of them...alone...together.

So? Just cos I'm alone with three women, does that suddenly mean we're going to have a big orgy?

That was a real question, by the way.

So what Jonny thought was a banana was actually a plantain.

Of course we laughed about it later.

Yeah. Whoa! So how are things between you and Jonny? Oh, great!

Yeah, he's a nice lad. That's all he is - just a little boy.

What do you mean? You want more. You want a man of the world.

You want a man with job, bit of money, shower you with presents. Flower for the lady? Piss off.

You want a man who knows what women want.

You know a passionate yet sensitive man. A man with a penis the size of a Swiss roll.

Gaz, what you talking about?

I think you know.

It's obvious we want each other, I can tell by the way you look at me.

So, after the curry, why don't we go back to mine and...

try something really spicy.

You're unbelievable.

Yes, I am.

To do this behind Jonny's back, then think I'd just go home and sleep with you. Yeah, but...

Gaz, you're the most obnoxious person I've ever met, and I've been to London.

I knew you'd be like this, but if I'd told Jonny he wouldn't believe me.

Well, he will now. No, no, no, when I, when I said come back to mine, what I meant...

I thought I told you where to shove them! I've got a few ideas!

Wait...

Why do you think Donna suddenly ran off like that?

Don't know. She obviously doesn't trust Gaz the way I do.

He won't try anything. Jonny, he's a man. He'll try clog dancing if he thinks there's sex in it.

Don't listen to her. Have you had your tea yet? No. Have a delicious pasty.

Oh, don't have a pasty! Louise, why are you still here? Is tormenting me at work not enough?

That's a different Louise. I'm here now as your friend to support you.

..Oh, hello, yes, I'd like to place an advert. Staff wanted...

Have you got spaghetti shapes? Yeah. What kind?

I've got X-Men, Bob the Builder, Scooby Doo and Newsnight.

Oh, Scooby Doo, please!

And there's some Chicken McNuggets in the bin. I could heat them up for you. Oh, wow!

Janet, sometimes when Kate cooks really nice food for me,

I close my eyes and pretend it's the rubbish you used to make. Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah, the other day I pretended I was eating your dustbin McNuggets when I was eating her coq au vin.

That doesn't actually mean anything, though, does it? Yeah, it does, it means "chicken in wine".

Jonny, you are never to see that person ever again!

What? We weren't doing anything. We weren't even past the poppadoms and he was trying to sleep with me.

We're leaving. Leaving? Where? Why? At last I've opened your eyes to these people you call your friends.

These scruffy, alcoholic, no-hopers you... Now hang on a minute.

I'm sorry, which bit of that did I get wrong? None. It was very accurate, that's why I'm annoyed.

Kate, whatever Gaz did, it is nothing to do with Janet. Wake up, Jonny - they're all the same.

This little crowd of morons you hang around with, and her... She's the worst of the lot.

"Oh, Jonny, I love you!" "Jonny, I don't love you any more!"

"Now I love you again cos I'm jealous you've found someone better!" It's pathetic.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with these people, then fine. If not, come with me.

That was an impression of you.

You don't understand, Jonny, I want to be with YOU, not your grimy little friends.

I've spent my life looking for my Prince Charming and now I've found him, he hangs round with goblins!

Who told you about the goblins? I've tried to be nice to them and what do I get?

A sordid come-on from Gaz! Let's go, Jonny.

And surely you can leave that can of lager behind!

That was exciting, wasn't it?

I can't wait to tell everyone at work tomorrow.

You took it well, being called a moron.

Oh, she wasn't talking about me.

She said "scruffy" and "no-hopers". She meant you and Donna.

Is this a fish pasty?

A seafood medley.

Eel, octopus and winkle...

plus a secret ingredient. Jonny, what's happened? Where's Kate?

She's gone. I've dumped her.

You know me - love 'em and leave 'em.

You dumped her? Yeah. She can't talk to you like that.

And what she said about Gaz... She said he was trying to sleep with her. Yeah.

So you've dumped your girlfriend for not sleeping with someone else behind your back? Um... Shut up!

Are you OK, Jonny? Yeah, yeah. I'm a bit upset, I suppose. I feel like I've been a bit of an idiot.

Oh, you haven't, Jonny. I've been an idiot. I think I've just realised something.

Yeah? Something I should have realised straight away. Yeah?

It seems so obvious now.

Jonny, what is it?

This pasty's got Milky Bar in it.

You were going to sleep with her! I can't trust you to do anything right! You can't even climb steps.

Well, it'd be easier if you let me take this off!

Only so I can shout at your face!

PHONE RINGS Hello?

Yeah, I found them.

You what? Oh, Janet, that's brilliant.

Yeah, that's fantastic.

OK, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

What? Well...

It seems your perverted plan DID work. Jonny and Kate have split up.

Ha! I told you. Yes, so explain this plan to me again?

Just that I would... Look it worked, Donna, that's the main thing.

So you weren't actually going to sleep with her? No, come on. You're my dusky maiden.

Well, you are a lucky man. Aye, and about to get luckier.

What do you mean? I rescued Princess Jonny, didn't I?

I did my perverted quest, now I get my perverted reward. Yes...

I suppose I did promise. You did. Can you go straight to chapter 59?

Oh, thing is, we've got no condoms.

We have, cos I bought some for...

Wait, wait... No, wait!

I wasn't going to use... I bought them to get into the frame of mind.

Plenty of men have erection trouble.

I'm not. Just I've woken up and he's having a lie in.

A couple of us are having Mexican food tonight. Join us.

I woke up this morning...and, uh... and a special part of me...was limp.

When I say a couple of us, I mean me and you.