Original subtitles

I don't know what happened. We had sex. But you're...you're Janet.

Have you seen Gaz? Yeah. He's at Janet's.

PHONE RINGS

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

PHONE RINGS

Hello! Janet?

PHONE RINGS

Well, hello! Donna! How lovely to see you.

Where's Gaz?

Gaz? No idea. I've just been having a lie down.

It's, um...good for the back.

My lumbago's been playing up.

But his mobile's here. Oh, yeah, that.

Um...well, he came round before to, um...talk about you!

Lovely, lovely Donna. Aw!

Me? Really? Well, where is he now?

He went away to, um...think about you!

Dearest, dearest, Donnadons. Well, what did he say about us?

He...he said that...

That I've been neglecting him, I've abandoned our relationship?

Exactly. Now go away and bandon yourself up again.

I'll take his phone with me, shall I? Oh, yeah, great idea. Bye!

He must have really exhausted you, rattling on like he does. Yeah.

And, Jan...thanks for being such a good friend.

Eh? You know, listening to him and that. I know he can be a bit...

Yeah... Thanks! Bye!

Well, you handled that superbly! Gaz, what are we going to do?

I'm going home. What? Why?!

Why? Why am I going home? Probably cos me girlfriend turned up while I was shagging you. I just got bored.

OK. OK, fine. But we need to talk about this.

No. It was a mistake. Hate me. I do.

But Donna, she's my friend.

Don't you dare! You big-gobbed, big-boobed, big, bad wolf of shame.

You don't understand, Gaz. I've got to tell her. I'd tell you if I'd slept with Donna.

Eh?

No, Janet!

Some things need to be forgotten, right? Like this situation

and my ill-advised Brazilian wax, eh? I'm off.

Your ankles are little.

Like trotters. Aw!

Aw!

You're just lovely, aren't you? Eh? I can't stop looking at you.

Is that why you always come in when I'm working? Yep.

That and the fact they let us use the pool room as a love grotto.

They send the CCTV tapes to Japan.

Eeugh! That's horrible!

That's why we need somewhere decent to go. I was improper last time with a corner pocket.

You thought it was me. Yeah.

I wondered why you were lined with felt.

And why I had a six-inch diameter.

Come on! After three years with Janet, he's used to, well,

shall we say, playing to an empty auditorium?

It's depressing. We haven't got anywhere else to go.

Can't go to my mum's. She hates me.

Can't go to his mum's. She hates me.

So we've basically got nowhere to, you know, bonk.

Bonk? Who says "bonk"?

Kate does. It's very descriptive of what I do in the bedroom, actually.

Although, I'd say it's more of a boiiiiiiing!

Well, if you think your sex lives are depressing, listen to this.

I'm graduating.

Oh, congratulations!

It's not "congratulations"!

Everyone's leaving straight after to do stupid things

like joining the civil service or working with disadvantaged children.

Little scroungers!

Are you going to miss uni? No. They made me do work.

And I want to go to the ball.

Are you in panto?

The summer ball! It's been cancelled because of those charitable twats.

And I bought a new dress and everything. Why don't we have a party somewhere?

Why? Well, cos...cos then Louise can wear her dress AND it'd be the ideal place for us to bonk.

It's boiiiiing!

Like Zebedee.

Gaz! Gaz?

Yes? Where've you been?

What? Went to the shop for some...

Some?

Some, um...some sinks.

I remembered we already had some, so...

Well, I bought you these flowers.

What for? Well, to say sorry, you know, for not letting you into my life these past few days.

I'm selfish, caught up in myself...

You selfish?

Yeah, but you're not the one who's been shaaa...shadow boxing.

Terrible thing to do to a shadow, you know.

Well, maybe we should talk? You know, about what's going on?

I know you don't like "feelings".

Maybe we should evaluate where we are. I can't evaluate. I'm a man.

Women evaluate and men make sperm.

You stop evaluating at about 55, whereas I can churn out sperm for the rest of my life.

No, I want to talk, Gaz. I want us to do something nice every day.

And that way we'd be forced to consider each other more. Like Sid Little and Eddie Large.

And that'd cure my guilt! What have you been feeling guilty for?

Guilt?

No, no. I said "gout".

What sort of nice things, anyway?

Well... I could start...

by making you a dirty sandwich. Yeah. Wait.

Wait, wait, wait!

What's the matter? I just need a shower.

I got me knob caught in margarine.

It could be slippy and dangerous.

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, hiya, Louise. This isn't a good time. You're cleaning!

Yes. Tidy house, tidy mind. Dirty house, dirty girl. Dirty, dirty Janet. Bad!

Seeing as you've scraped most of the scum off, why don't you celebrate? With a party? Here?

Oh, God, Louise! That's the last thing I need right now.

I'm so messed up. I've got Jonny on this shoulder and Ga...

Ghandi on this one.

Peaceful protest, peaceful protest. Get off!

Oh, please, Janet. If you were a proper friend you would.

I am a good friend! Brillo! Oh, and I've asked Jonny and Kate.

What? Well, I like them.

He's loads nicer since he split up with you.

But... It'll help you get over him, seeing him so in love with someone.

And NOTHING helps depression more than seeing Louise in a lovely dress.

AUDIENCE "AHS"

What's going on?

Gaz, we've got nowhere else to go. You said we could use this place.

It's like Porn World in here. We particularly like Scottish Nastiness.

Well, can you go? I have something special for Donna.

Honest to Christ! I'm supposed to be making her happy because I sha...sha...shagged her.

Sorry, Gaz. We're young and horny. And the only other place is skips.

KEYS RATTLE It's Donna! Get back in! Get in!

You're not gonna believe this.

They're giving me more hours at the factory. Oh, not to worry.

Come sit down and let me do stuff. I can't get my essay done in time.

Ah, ah, ah! What did we say yesterday? I can't do it all. It's impossible! Impossible for...

It's impossible! Shut up. Look, just be quiet and let me fix you.

Would you like a pony?

What?

Girls like ponies.

You don't get it. Yes, I do. Remember our agreement, right?

We do something for each other every day that meant something. Yeah.

Well, I'll do your essay. Don't worry about anything.

Yeah, but we're studying Dante. It's about purgatory, ironically.

Ah, well, come here.

See.

< THUDDING

The pipes want lagging.

Donna. About Gaz. No, no, Janet. No need to worry. I know exactly what you're going to say.

Do you? Well, then, why aren't you ripping my face off with a trowel?

I know you had a chat about us.

It's fine. He made me my favourite breakfast - jam and spoon.

But, um...it's not that.

Yeah, well, I was a bit offended he talked to you instead of me.

But it gives him perspective to bounce off other women.

You don't understand.

Look, whatever you and him thrashed out the other night,

I'm sure he's already thrashed it out with me a million times.

Well, he, um...he did say your relationship was in danger and that he, um...needed some affection.

So, I...

So, I...

So you what?

I-I'm sorry. I just... I'm bad, Donna.

I needed a cuddle. And he was so...

God. Well... What happened? What did you do? I don't believe this.

We...

Look, just do not do this.

He threw me on the couch.

And then he...

He what?

He told me to get lost.

Get lost? Gaz doesn't say "Get lost".

Well, he was being kind.

He also said "Bum off" and "Get to willy".

Really? Well, good.

And he said that he loves you.

More than life itself. More than he cares about...

What does Gaz care about?

Tyres?

More than tyres.

Oh, God, Donna. I'm so sorry. Please, can your forgive me?

I don't know what happened. Well, why did you do it?

Cos I'm a slag.

A big, dirty, horny, evil slag with hooves and knives

and all horribleness growing in my brain.

Oh, shit! And because I wanted a cuggle.

I'm so sorry. I don't know. I...

Janet.

Look, if you ever want a cuddle...

It's cuggle! Yes.

If you ever want a cuggle...

just come to me, OK?

But you have no penis.

Well, Gaz keeps a spare.

Hello, lesbionics!

I've got my dress all ready. Do you want to see it?

Ooh! Group hug! Group hug!

Oh, I would, but I've got better things to be doing with my time.

Oh! I can feel an eyebrow going wrong! Panic stations!

Oh, I'm so very stupid. You know all sorts of stuff.

Eh, you went to mechanic school. I seen it on Grease.

You all wear leather and sing about bumpers and it looks lovely.

Munch, films aren't real. OK?

What do you mean? We didn't dance. We did the NVQ and went to the pub.

For a cheeseburger and a shake?

No. For a pint.

And there wasn't a ball at the end where you all threw cream pies at that pesky coach? No, we just left.

I'm never going mechanic school. Stupid, lying documentary.

Grease is a musical, it's not real.

What about Bugsy Malone?

It's not real. It's just children dressed as gangsters.

I just thought it was set on a really rough estate.

Sorry, none of these things are real.

Well, so...

So even the Super Mario Brothers?

No.

No, that's real, don't worry.

It's a good job you know things. I never spot when things aren't real.

I thought Jeremy Clarkson was real.

Then...

I saw the joins.

I wish I was clever, then I could do Donna's essay for her.

Why don't you get someone else to write it? I know! Stephen Hawking.

You think I should ring Professor Hawking and ask him to write it?

You don't ask, you don't get.

Anyway, you could fix his car in return. Good idea. Thanks a lot.

And, and, Professor Hawking will probably let you have a go of that scooter he goes round in.

You know.Beep beep! Out of my way, humans.

DISTANT LAUGHTER ECHOES What's that noise?

What you doing?

We were trying to do Spiderman.

But it's gone horribly wrong.

Jesus, Jonny! Why did you phone the speaking clock so much? I got lonely when you're at work.

Jonny! What are you doing here?

I came to return this... for your party.

Oh, the punch bowl! Thank you, I'd forgotten about that.

No, no problem.

Bye, then. Bovril!

Did...did you just call me Bovril?

I bought Bovril by accident. Would you like some?

It's...it's not really the weather for Bovril.

But it's all-weather, you said. "Rain or shine 'tis Bovril time."

Yeah, but...but Kate said too much salt isn't...

Oh, I see.

So, you're not going to the vet's for your salt licks any more?

To be honest, he was suspicious he'd never seen me donkey.

So, Kate's looking out for you, then?

Well, yeah. She said I should take better care of me health.

Did you know pies have fat in 'em?

It's astounding.

Right. So, you know. Wha...what about you?

Have you, um...got anyone on the horizon? Anyone special?

Are you, you know...courting?

Come here.

Oh, it's a tough life getting over Jonny.

I doed it with a man!

You what?!

I done it. I...

What, you had sex? What, with a man?

Who with? Who was it?

I'll kill him.

With your date from the other day? Um...yeah.

Well, why are you crying?

He didn't...? He didn't hurt you or anything?

No, no, he didn't hurt me.

Let's face it, Jonny, I have a large capacity.

Well, what's wrong, then? Will you be seeing him again?

No, I won't be seeing him again.

You were...

safe, weren't you?

Dirty Janet!

Oh, Christ!

Oh, come here.

Oh, Jonny, why can't it be like it was?

Why can't you be...? And why am I so...?

Shhhh.

Shhhh.

Oh, I miss this, Jonny.

I miss you. Yeah, you know, I miss you too.

I miss these eyes.

And I miss these shoulders.

And I miss your squidgy marmadukes.

So...

So...

Was he better than me?

What's going on, Gaz? I just don't know. Eh?

It's Janet. She slept with him.

I never did slee... see anything like it! Him? Who?

Her date. She doed him, apparently.

Her date? So you don't know, then? What don't I know?

Well, that, um...that Alan Armstrong was the first man on the moon.

It's a very important fact.

And also, an Iranian boy once had a tooth growing out of his foot.

She said this date, he wasn't much good at the dirt stuff but...

Oi!

What do you mean, "not good"?

She said he had an extra testicle.

AND he plaited his pubes.

AND that he went..."Phhrrrt! Poof!"

He doesn't have plaited pubes!

Apparently he's tried...

terribly complicated.

So you know who it is, then?

I know of his work.

I do believe he is a hotty.

So...so who is he, Gaz? Is he in here? I'll twist the extra bollock till it falls away.

Oh, no, no, cos... cos that'll be doing him a favour.

I shall twist the teste of shame till, um...

till the other bollocks start talking about him behind his back.

Hey, what do you think of Lionel? Well, not entirely sure. He was...

Hold on.

Have you named your testicles?

Yes.

Lionel and Jennifer.

They're a comforting presence. Like the brownies.

Are you ready? Of course, yeah.

I've a warm bed waiting at Janet's. Come on, Lionel.

Jonny! Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.

And Kate.

I brought wine. It's the CHEAPEST I could find. You'll love it!

And Kate.

Katie, Katie, Kate-ums.

You look very...sweaty.

It's all the sex.

Let's get this open, shall we?

Well, you were great. Even the bit where I...? Especially that bit.

Look at this collage for Gaz. It's his perfect woman.

What's that? Well, THAT - or as I prefer to call her, Squirtmilla -

has my head, five pairs of breasts in a range of sizes,

and one J-Lo buttock and one Kylie.

She's got THREE pairs of breasts.

No. Two round the corner so he doesn't get bored during back rubs.

Aw! You really work at love, don't you?

Oh, I've got to, cos one of my mates cuggled Gaz by accident.

I thought we were OK?

Yeah, we are. But if you're ever sad and single and fall in his direction again, I shall...

I shall chop you.

Make way!

Somebody flourish me!

BOYS MIMIC FANFARE

Oh, no! Look at that!

Oh, my Jesus!

You shop at New Look too? OH!

Aargh! Eugh! Eeeh!

Um...pot noodle pate, anyone?

Hi. Ooh! Sorry.

Hey, you haven't... you haven't told...?

No, Gaz, and I won't. No, you won't. No, she really loves you.

Then what the frig have I been doing this essay for? Jesus!

I mean, you know, thank you.

What do you think you're doing? It'll look odd if we don't kiss.

Don't be so bloody stupid! Yeah, have this. Here.

Hello.

Well, it's better than being cockeyed.

Hello. You should have come sooner. Nobody works during parties, except strippers and me when I was three.

You was a stripper at three? No! I just had to entertain the crowd.

They used to push me along on a nappy to a wall of empty bottles.

Baby bowling it was called.

Look what I've got. I've got your essay. I told you I'd do it.

It's not exactly what you wanted but it's up to the word count.

It's got big words in it. I finally learnt how to spell jazzercise.

Well, how...? Well, how did you...?

A little help from Mr Brain. What? The one who makes the faggots?

No, my brain. Ah, it's really... I didn't know you could type. It's just like playing the piano.

You can't play the piano.

No, I can't, can I?

Well, thank you. Did it takes you ages?

It did, though not as long as a blow job, so let's go. Come on. No. No!

I want to read it and then we can stay and have a few drinks, eh? Oh! Look what I made you.

Brilliant!

It's the woman from that dream I had.

Where's her pigeon?

Well, this is grown-up, isn't it?

Civilised, isn't it?

European.

Very adult.

Yeah.

Um...I think I'll go and stand in the kitchen.

Janet? Yeah?

You know if we have a few bevies tonight, and we can't get a taxi,

can we crash here tonight? Your bed's a bit big for one, isn't it?

Um...let me just go and have a think about that...

whilst I vomit!

Is everybody ready? YEAH!

OK! Coming! Ready or not!

Prepare to be Louised!

Oh...

my Jesus! Mwah! Mwah! I think you should take it off, Louise.

I think every man in the room is thinking THAT, Jonny.

Is that a wedding dress?

So what if it is? Janet doesn't need it any more, does she?

I've never seen it before.

W-We...we should go.

No, stay. It's fine. I'm fine.

Stay? Honestly? Brilliant! You're a star, Janet. We won't be too noisy in lovemaking.

Y-Yeah. She...she does just grunt quietly.

Unless something goes up her bum, then it's a Mariah Carey concert!

Marvellous! Nothing better!

"Dante is like a Datsun because he is cheap and sometimes blue."

You're very clever.

Obviously, I like you all, to a point.

But to choose, hmm?

Which one of you has an inflated sense of my importance?

Oh!

Oh, not you, dear.

You're poor.

Save your appetite. I'm taking you out tonight, love. I finish at half seven. Half seven.

Jonny, what's happened, where's Kate? She's gone.

It's obvious we want each other. I can tell by the way you look at me.

After the curry,

why don't we go back to mine and, um...try something really spicy.

You're unbelievable! Yes, I am.