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1
00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:06,960
I don't know what happened. We had
sex. But you're...you're Janet.
2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,280
Have you seen Gaz?
Yeah. He's at Janet's.
3
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,360
PHONE RINGS
4
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,840
with bubbles in it
5
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,760
handle anything stronger now
6
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,120
PHONE RINGS
7
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,280
Hello! Janet?
8
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,320
PHONE RINGS
9
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,160
Well, hello!
Donna! How lovely to see you.
10
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,400
Where's Gaz?
11
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,600
Gaz? No idea.
I've just been having a lie down.
12
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,480
It's, um...good for the back.
13
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:24,800
My lumbago's been playing up.
14
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,840
But his mobile's here.
Oh, yeah, that.
15
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,280
Um...well, he came round before to,
um...talk about you!
16
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,640
Lovely, lovely Donna. Aw!
17
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,840
Me? Really? Well, where is he now?
18
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,880
He went away to,
um...think about you!
19
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:45,320
Dearest, dearest, Donnadons.
Well, what did he say about us?
20
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,200
He...he said that...
21
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,680
That I've been neglecting him,
I've abandoned our relationship?
22
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:54,960
Exactly. Now go away
and bandon yourself up again.
23
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:59,520
I'll take his phone with me,
shall I? Oh, yeah, great idea. Bye!
24
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:04,280
He must have really exhausted you,
rattling on like he does. Yeah.
25
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:08,920
And, Jan...thanks for being
such a good friend.
26
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,720
Eh? You know, listening to him and
that. I know he can be a bit...
27
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:16,160
Yeah... Thanks! Bye!
28
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:25,160
Well, you handled that superbly!
Gaz, what are we going to do?
29
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,840
I'm going home. What? Why?!
30
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:31,160
Why? Why am I going home? Probably
cos me girlfriend turned up while I
was shagging you. I just got bored.
31
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:36,120
OK. OK, fine.
But we need to talk about this.
32
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,880
No. It was a mistake. Hate me. I do.
33
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,000
But Donna, she's my friend.
34
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,080
Don't you dare! You big-gobbed,
big-boobed, big, bad wolf of shame.
35
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:51,400
You don't understand, Gaz.
I've got to tell her. I'd tell you
if I'd slept with Donna.
36
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,800
Eh?
37
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:55,600
No, Janet!
38
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,640
Some things need to be forgotten,
right? Like this situation
39
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,600
and my ill-advised Brazilian wax,
eh? I'm off.
40
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,640
Your ankles are little.
41
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:14,200
Like trotters. Aw!
42
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,280
Aw!
43
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,200
You're just lovely, aren't you? Eh?
I can't stop looking at you.
44
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:24,280
Is that why you always come in
when I'm working? Yep.
45
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,880
That and the fact they let us
use the pool room as a love grotto.
46
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,840
They send the CCTV tapes to Japan.
47
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,960
Eeugh! That's horrible!
48
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:40,600
That's why we need somewhere decent
to go. I was improper last time
with a corner pocket.
49
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:44,520
You thought it was me. Yeah.
50
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,680
I wondered why you
were lined with felt.
51
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,560
And why I had a six-inch diameter.
52
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:56,760
Come on! After three years
with Janet, he's used to, well,
53
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:59,880
shall we say,
playing to an empty auditorium?
54
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,640
It's depressing.
We haven't got anywhere else to go.
55
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,400
Can't go to my mum's. She hates me.
56
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,320
Can't go to his mum's. She hates me.
57
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:15,640
So we've basically got nowhere to,
you know, bonk.
58
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,840
Bonk? Who says "bonk"?
59
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:23,920
Kate does. It's very descriptive of
what I do in the bedroom, actually.
60
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,280
Although, I'd say
it's more of a boiiiiiiing!
61
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:33,960
Well, if you think your sex lives
are depressing, listen to this.
62
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,240
I'm graduating.
63
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,360
Oh, congratulations!
64
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,800
It's not "congratulations"!
65
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,720
Everyone's leaving straight
after to do stupid things
66
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,640
like joining the civil service or
working with disadvantaged children.
67
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,240
Little scroungers!
68
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,840
Are you going to miss uni?
No. They made me do work.
69
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,240
And I want to go to the ball.
70
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,080
Are you in panto?
71
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:07,280
The summer ball! It's been cancelled
because of those charitable twats.
72
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:14,640
And I bought a new dress
and everything. Why don't we
have a party somewhere?
73
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:21,160
Why? Well, cos...cos then Louise
can wear her dress AND it'd be
the ideal place for us to bonk.
74
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,520
It's boiiiiing!
75
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,560
Like Zebedee.
76
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,920
Gaz! Gaz?
77
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,280
Yes? Where've you been?
78
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,200
What? Went to the shop for some...
79
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,360
Some?
80
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,320
Some, um...some sinks.
81
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,880
I remembered we already had some,
so...
82
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,200
Well, I bought you these flowers.
83
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:58,280
What for? Well, to say sorry,
you know, for not letting you into
my life these past few days.
84
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,640
I'm selfish, caught up in myself...
85
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,240
You selfish?
86
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,760
Yeah, but you're not the one
who's been shaaa...shadow boxing.
87
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,000
Terrible thing to do to a shadow,
you know.
88
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:13,240
Well, maybe we should talk?
You know, about what's going on?
89
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,360
I know you don't like "feelings".
90
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:21,320
Maybe we should evaluate where we
are. I can't evaluate. I'm a man.
91
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,360
Women evaluate and men make sperm.
92
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:30,680
You stop evaluating at about 55,
whereas I can churn out sperm
for the rest of my life.
93
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:35,240
No, I want to talk, Gaz. I want us
to do something nice every day.
94
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:40,480
And that way we'd be forced
to consider each other more.
Like Sid Little and Eddie Large.
95
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:45,240
And that'd cure my guilt! What
have you been feeling guilty for?
96
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,920
Guilt?
97
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,000
No, no. I said "gout".
98
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,560
What sort of nice things, anyway?
99
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,440
Well... I could start...
100
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,920
by making you a dirty sandwich.
Yeah. Wait.
101
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,920
Wait, wait, wait!
102
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,960
What's the matter?
I just need a shower.
103
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,800
I got me knob caught in margarine.
104
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,800
It could be slippy and dangerous.
105
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,000
DOOR SLAMS
106
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,320
Oh, hiya, Louise. This isn't
a good time. You're cleaning!
107
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:34,600
Yes. Tidy house, tidy mind.
Dirty house, dirty girl.
Dirty, dirty Janet. Bad!
108
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:44,400
Seeing as you've scraped most
of the scum off, why don't
you celebrate? With a party? Here?
109
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,720
Oh, God, Louise! That's
the last thing I need right now.
110
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,920
I'm so messed up. I've got Jonny
on this shoulder and Ga...
111
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,880
Ghandi on this one.
112
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,800
Peaceful protest, peaceful protest.
Get off!
113
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,120
Oh, please, Janet. If you were
a proper friend you would.
114
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:06,880
I am a good friend! Brillo!
Oh, and I've asked Jonny and Kate.
115
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,920
What? Well, I like them.
116
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:13,160
He's loads nicer
since he split up with you.
117
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:19,200
But... It'll help you get over him,
seeing him so in love with someone.
118
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:24,440
And NOTHING helps depression
more than seeing Louise
in a lovely dress.
119
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,760
AUDIENCE "AHS"
120
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,080
What's going on?
121
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:49,160
Gaz, we've got nowhere else to go.
You said we could use this place.
122
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:54,800
It's like Porn World in here.
We particularly like
Scottish Nastiness.
123
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,200
Well, can you go?
I have something special for Donna.
124
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:03,520
Honest to Christ! I'm supposed to
be making her happy
because I sha...sha...shagged her.
125
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:07,920
Sorry, Gaz. We're young and horny.
And the only other place is skips.
126
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,240
KEYS RATTLE
It's Donna! Get back in! Get in!
127
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,160
You're not gonna believe this.
128
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:20,000
They're giving me more hours
at the factory. Oh, not to worry.
129
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,240
Come sit down and let me do stuff.
I can't get my essay done in time.
130
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:30,440
Ah, ah, ah! What did we say
yesterday? I can't do it all.
It's impossible! Impossible for...
131
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:35,920
It's impossible! Shut up. Look,
just be quiet and let me fix you.
132
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,440
Would you like a pony?
133
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,720
What?
134
00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,800
Girls like ponies.
135
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,800
You don't get it. Yes, I do.
Remember our agreement, right?
136
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,400
We do something for each other every
day that meant something. Yeah.
137
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,760
Well, I'll do your essay.
Don't worry about anything.
138
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:01,800
Yeah, but we're studying Dante.
It's about purgatory, ironically.
139
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,520
Ah, well, come here.
140
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,760
See.
141
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,800
< THUDDING
142
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:15,920
The pipes want lagging.
143
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:25,680
Donna. About Gaz. No, no, Janet.
No need to worry. I know
exactly what you're going to say.
144
00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:29,920
Do you? Well, then, why aren't you
ripping my face off with a trowel?
145
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,720
I know you had a chat about us.
146
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:37,000
It's fine. He made me my favourite
breakfast - jam and spoon.
147
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,720
But, um...it's not that.
148
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:44,400
Yeah, well, I was a bit offended
he talked to you instead of me.
149
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:48,120
But it gives him perspective
to bounce off other women.
150
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,640
You don't understand.
151
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,880
Look, whatever you and him
thrashed out the other night,
152
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:02,280
I'm sure he's already thrashed
it out with me a million times.
153
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:09,400
Well, he, um...he did say your
relationship was in danger and that
he, um...needed some affection.
154
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,360
So, I...
155
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,080
So, I...
156
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,320
So you what?
157
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,320
I-I'm sorry.
I just... I'm bad, Donna.
158
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,160
I needed a cuddle. And he was so...
159
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:30,320
God. Well... What happened? What
did you do? I don't believe this.
160
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,880
We...
161
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,600
Look, just do not do this.
162
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:38,360
He threw me on the couch.
163
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,520
And then he...
164
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,800
He what?
165
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,760
He told me to get lost.
166
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,280
Get lost?
Gaz doesn't say "Get lost".
167
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,680
Well, he was being kind.
168
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,520
He also said "Bum off"
and "Get to willy".
169
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,520
Really? Well, good.
170
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,760
And he said that he loves you.
171
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:09,480
More than life itself.
More than he cares about...
172
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,080
What does Gaz care about?
173
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,600
Tyres?
174
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:16,760
More than tyres.
175
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,160
Oh, God, Donna. I'm so sorry.
Please, can your forgive me?
176
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:23,560
I don't know what happened.
Well, why did you do it?
177
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,160
Cos I'm a slag.
178
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,640
A big, dirty, horny, evil slag
with hooves and knives
179
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:35,280
and all horribleness
growing in my brain.
180
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:40,240
Oh, shit!
And because I wanted a cuggle.
181
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:43,800
I'm so sorry. I don't know. I...
182
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,440
Janet.
183
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,960
Look, if you ever want a cuddle...
184
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,680
It's cuggle! Yes.
185
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,680
If you ever want a cuggle...
186
00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:57,800
just come to me, OK?
187
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,520
But you have no penis.
188
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,800
Well, Gaz keeps a spare.
189
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,760
Hello, lesbionics!
190
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,600
I've got my dress all ready.
Do you want to see it?
191
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,920
Ooh! Group hug! Group hug!
192
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:23,520
Oh, I would, but I've got better
things to be doing with my time.
193
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:29,400
Oh! I can feel an eyebrow
going wrong! Panic stations!
194
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:43,800
Oh, I'm so very stupid.
You know all sorts of stuff.
195
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:47,160
Eh, you went to mechanic school.
I seen it on Grease.
196
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:52,400
You all wear leather and sing
about bumpers and it looks lovely.
197
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,400
Munch, films aren't real. OK?
198
00:13:55,400 --> 00:14:00,080
What do you mean? We didn't dance.
We did the NVQ and went to the pub.
199
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,560
For a cheeseburger and a shake?
200
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,720
No. For a pint.
201
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:14,240
And there wasn't a ball at the end
where you all threw cream pies at
that pesky coach? No, we just left.
202
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:19,160
I'm never going mechanic school.
Stupid, lying documentary.
203
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,240
Grease is a musical, it's not real.
204
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,200
What about Bugsy Malone?
205
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,560
It's not real. It's just
children dressed as gangsters.
206
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,160
I just thought it was set
on a really rough estate.
207
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,160
Sorry,
none of these things are real.
208
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,320
Well, so...
209
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,600
So even the Super Mario Brothers?
210
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,400
No.
211
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,040
No, that's real, don't worry.
212
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:53,520
It's a good job you know things. I
never spot when things aren't real.
213
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,320
I thought Jeremy Clarkson was real.
214
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,720
Then...
215
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,760
I saw the joins.
216
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,000
I wish I was clever, then
I could do Donna's essay for her.
217
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,640
Why don't you get someone else to
write it? I know! Stephen Hawking.
218
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,600
You think I should ring Professor
Hawking and ask him to write it?
219
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,480
You don't ask, you don't get.
220
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,520
Anyway, you could fix his car in
return. Good idea. Thanks a lot.
221
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:25,880
And, and, Professor Hawking
will probably let you have a go
of that scooter he goes round in.
222
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,800
You know.Beep beep!
Out of my way, humans.
223
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:36,400
DISTANT LAUGHTER ECHOES
What's that noise?
224
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,080
What you doing?
225
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,160
We were trying to do Spiderman.
226
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,960
But it's gone horribly wrong.
227
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:04,640
Jesus, Jonny! Why did you phone
the speaking clock so much?
I got lonely when you're at work.
228
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,840
Jonny! What are you doing here?
229
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,120
I came to return this...
for your party.
230
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,760
Oh, the punch bowl! Thank you,
I'd forgotten about that.
231
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,440
No, no problem.
232
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,800
Bye, then. Bovril!
233
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,040
Did...did you just call me Bovril?
234
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:28,200
I bought Bovril by accident.
Would you like some?
235
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,280
It's...it's not really
the weather for Bovril.
236
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:37,200
But it's all-weather, you said.
"Rain or shine 'tis Bovril time."
237
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:41,480
Yeah, but...but Kate said
too much salt isn't...
238
00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:44,040
Oh, I see.
239
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:48,320
So, you're not going to the vet's
for your salt licks any more?
240
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:52,200
To be honest, he was suspicious
he'd never seen me donkey.
241
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,760
So,
Kate's looking out for you, then?
242
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,720
Well, yeah. She said I should take
better care of me health.
243
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,120
Did you know pies have fat in 'em?
244
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,320
It's astounding.
245
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:10,400
Right. So, you know.
Wha...what about you?
246
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,520
Have you, um...got anyone
on the horizon? Anyone special?
247
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,080
Are you, you know...courting?
248
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,720
Come here.
249
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,240
Oh, it's a tough life
getting over Jonny.
250
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,440
I doed it with a man!
251
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,480
You what?!
252
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,600
I done it. I...
253
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,600
What, you had sex?
What, with a man?
254
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,640
Who with? Who was it?
255
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,760
I'll kill him.
256
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,440
With your date from the other day?
Um...yeah.
257
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,440
Well, why are you crying?
258
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:02,480
He didn't...?
He didn't hurt you or anything?
259
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,560
No, no, he didn't hurt me.
260
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,200
Let's face it, Jonny,
I have a large capacity.
261
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:11,800
Well, what's wrong, then?
Will you be seeing him again?
262
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,440
No, I won't be seeing him again.
263
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,000
You were...
264
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,640
safe, weren't you?
265
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,280
Dirty Janet!
266
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,640
Oh, Christ!
267
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,160
Oh, come here.
268
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:32,120
Oh, Jonny,
why can't it be like it was?
269
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,640
Why can't you be...?
And why am I so...?
270
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,200
Shhhh.
271
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,960
Shhhh.
272
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,920
Oh, I miss this, Jonny.
273
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:49,120
I miss you.
Yeah, you know, I miss you too.
274
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,160
I miss these eyes.
275
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,600
And I miss these shoulders.
276
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,920
And I miss
your squidgy marmadukes.
277
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,120
So...
278
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,120
So...
279
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,480
Was he better than me?
280
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,800
What's going on, Gaz?
I just don't know. Eh?
281
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,320
It's Janet. She slept with him.
282
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:34,600
I never did slee...
see anything like it! Him? Who?
283
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,880
Her date. She doed him, apparently.
284
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:43,200
Her date? So you don't know, then?
What don't I know?
285
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:48,040
Well, that, um...that Alan Armstrong
was the first man on the moon.
286
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,240
It's a very important fact.
287
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,600
And also, an Iranian boy once had
a tooth growing out of his foot.
288
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,520
She said this date, he wasn't much
good at the dirt stuff but...
289
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,040
Oi!
290
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,200
What do you mean, "not good"?
291
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,120
She said he had an extra testicle.
292
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,480
AND he plaited his pubes.
293
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,320
AND that he went..."Phhrrrt! Poof!"
294
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,760
He doesn't have plaited pubes!
295
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,960
Apparently he's tried...
296
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,000
terribly complicated.
297
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,080
So you know who it is, then?
298
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,000
I know of his work.
299
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:36,000
I do believe he is a hotty.
300
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:43,080
So...so who is he, Gaz?
Is he in here? I'll twist the
extra bollock till it falls away.
301
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:46,720
Oh, no, no, cos...
cos that'll be doing him a favour.
302
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,760
I shall twist the teste of shame
till, um...
303
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,280
till the other bollocks start
talking about him behind his back.
304
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,720
Hey, what do you think of Lionel?
Well, not entirely sure. He was...
305
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:00,240
Hold on.
306
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,800
Have you named your testicles?
307
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:05,880
Yes.
308
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,920
Lionel and Jennifer.
309
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,280
They're a comforting presence.
Like the brownies.
310
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,400
Are you ready? Of course, yeah.
311
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,760
I've a warm bed waiting at Janet's.
Come on, Lionel.
312
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,960
Jonny! Jonny, Jonny, Jonny.
313
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:33,600
And Kate.
314
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:38,440
I brought wine. It's the CHEAPEST
I could find. You'll love it!
315
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,920
And Kate.
316
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,920
Katie, Katie, Kate-ums.
317
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,240
You look very...sweaty.
318
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,000
It's all the sex.
319
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,160
Let's get this open, shall we?
320
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,720
Well, you were great. Even the bit
where I...? Especially that bit.
321
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,960
Look at this collage for Gaz.
It's his perfect woman.
322
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:04,320
What's that? Well, THAT - or as I
prefer to call her, Squirtmilla -
323
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,840
has my head, five pairs of
breasts in a range of sizes,
324
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:11,760
and one J-Lo buttock and one Kylie.
325
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,920
She's got THREE pairs of breasts.
326
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,360
No. Two round the corner so he
doesn't get bored during back rubs.
327
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:22,360
Aw! You really work at love,
don't you?
328
00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,360
Oh, I've got to, cos one of my
mates cuggled Gaz by accident.
329
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,400
I thought we were OK?
330
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:34,440
Yeah, we are. But if you're ever
sad and single and fall
in his direction again, I shall...
331
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,000
I shall chop you.
332
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,400
Make way!
333
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,400
Somebody flourish me!
334
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,920
BOYS MIMIC FANFARE
335
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,680
Oh, no! Look at that!
336
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,160
Oh, my Jesus!
337
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,080
You shop at New Look too? OH!
338
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:57,920
Aargh! Eugh! Eeeh!
339
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,440
Um...pot noodle pate, anyone?
340
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,320
Hi. Ooh! Sorry.
341
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,400
Hey, you haven't...
you haven't told...?
342
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:14,960
No, Gaz, and I won't. No,
you won't. No, she really loves you.
343
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,640
Then what the frig have I been
doing this essay for? Jesus!
344
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:22,240
I mean, you know, thank you.
345
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:26,000
What do you think you're doing?
It'll look odd if we don't kiss.
346
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,920
Don't be so bloody stupid!
Yeah, have this. Here.
347
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,760
Hello.
348
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,400
Well,
it's better than being cockeyed.
349
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:47,520
Hello. You should have come sooner.
Nobody works during parties, except
strippers and me when I was three.
350
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,880
You was a stripper at three? No!
I just had to entertain the crowd.
351
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:56,080
They used to push me along on a
nappy to a wall of empty bottles.
352
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,200
Baby bowling it was called.
353
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,200
Look what I've got. I've got your
essay. I told you I'd do it.
354
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:06,240
It's not exactly what you wanted
but it's up to the word count.
355
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,520
It's got big words in it. I finally
learnt how to spell jazzercise.
356
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,160
Well, how...? Well, how did you...?
357
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:17,120
A little help from Mr Brain. What?
The one who makes the faggots?
358
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:24,920
No, my brain. Ah, it's really...
I didn't know you could type.
It's just like playing the piano.
359
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:27,240
You can't play the piano.
360
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,280
No, I can't, can I?
361
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,280
Well, thank you.
Did it takes you ages?
362
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,880
It did, though not as long as a blow
job, so let's go. Come on. No. No!
363
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:41,920
I want to read it and then we
can stay and have a few drinks, eh?
Oh! Look what I made you.
364
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,280
Brilliant!
365
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,200
It's the woman
from that dream I had.
366
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,280
Where's her pigeon?
367
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,400
Well, this is grown-up, isn't it?
368
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,040
Civilised, isn't it?
369
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,080
European.
370
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,880
Very adult.
371
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,440
Yeah.
372
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:17,560
Um...I think I'll go
and stand in the kitchen.
373
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:19,680
Janet? Yeah?
374
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:24,600
You know if we have a few bevies
tonight, and we can't get a taxi,
375
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:29,520
can we crash here tonight? Your
bed's a bit big for one, isn't it?
376
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:35,480
Um...let me just go
and have a think about that...
377
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,840
whilst I vomit!
378
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:42,600
Is everybody ready? YEAH!
379
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,640
OK! Coming! Ready or not!
380
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,400
Prepare to be Louised!
381
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,640
Oh...
382
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:56,920
my Jesus! Mwah! Mwah! I think
you should take it off, Louise.
383
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,360
I think every man in the room
is thinking THAT, Jonny.
384
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,800
Is that a wedding dress?
385
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:07,440
So what if it is? Janet
doesn't need it any more, does she?
386
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,480
I've never seen it before.
387
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,880
W-We...we should go.
388
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,480
No, stay. It's fine. I'm fine.
389
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:27,280
Stay? Honestly? Brilliant!
You're a star, Janet. We won't
be too noisy in lovemaking.
390
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:31,280
Y-Yeah.
She...she does just grunt quietly.
391
00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:36,200
Unless something goes up her bum,
then it's a Mariah Carey concert!
392
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,160
Marvellous! Nothing better!
393
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:47,280
"Dante is like a Datsun because
he is cheap and sometimes blue."
394
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,200
You're very clever.
395
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:53,240
Obviously, I like you all,
to a point.
396
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,800
But to choose, hmm?
397
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,200
Which one of you has
an inflated sense of my importance?
398
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,200
Oh!
399
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:03,000
Oh, not you, dear.
400
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,520
You're poor.
401
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:30,920
Save your appetite.
I'm taking you out tonight, love.
I finish at half seven. Half seven.
402
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,400
Jonny, what's happened,
where's Kate? She's gone.
403
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,240
It's obvious we want each other. I
can tell by the way you look at me.
404
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,120
After the curry,
405
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:44,560
why don't we go back to mine and,
um...try something really spicy.
406
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,360
You're unbelievable! Yes, I am.
32372
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