Original subtitles

"Janet had a boyfriend once, but he dumped her." What am I gonna do?

This is Kate. Janet...

Thank you for letting this man come into my life.

Check me out - I'm a student.

You'd rather be out with your arty-farty mates. I'm not arty enough.

Where does that leave me? Farty?

I'm glad you've come around, Don. I really miss Jonny.

This programme contains adult humour

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger now

I'll have a pint of lager, please

I'm gonna to be so bored after I graduate.

Maybe I'll take up a hobby.

Is fox-hunting difficult?

Get a job - that's the point of doing a degree, isn't it? I'm not getting a summer job.

I spent all of last July licking envelopes. Temp jobs are like that.

Who said it was a job?

I was just bored.

Chocolate!

Chocolate. All, hail chocolate.

Just as good as Jonny.

Especially the king-size Snickers. They're ribbed, you know.

You haven't been intimate with this KitKat, have you?

Oh, God knows I've tried. They just haven't got the girth.

Janet, Donna says I need a job.

Well, you do if you're graduating. You should start looking now. But I can't. I'm so-o-o-o lazy.

Can't you do it for me?

I'm sure it's not normal to think about Toblerones in this way.

Oh, I'm so very lonely.

I need something that suits my stature. I'm a bastion of knowledge. Look at me bastioning.

Ooh! Easy there, you big baster.

You're gonna have to start somewhere. Look at me -

I still work in the bucket factory 20 hours a week. Yeah, but you're a skank, Donna.

Thanking you.

What's up with you?

I miss Jonny. I really miss him.

So why are you walking like that?

Because, um, I tried to replicate him with a Curly Wurly but it's gone dreadfully wrong.

go round and round

go round and round

SQUEAL

GIGGLING

GRUNTING

go slurp, slurp, slurp

Slurp, slurp, slurp

LAUGHING

God?

GIGGLING CONTINUES

Die laughing, boy!

Gaz, no! NO! Not with a wrench! What you doing?!

This was my fault. I mean, this is a Daewoo.

It's a Daewoo. Well, yes, if you'd had a nice roomy Volvo, we would've slept in that.

This isn't right. What are you doing here? It's obvious - keeping warm.

You're keeping warm? Yeah, by shagging.

We haven't got anywhere else to go. Yeah, well, you can't go here!

Oh, Gaz! Don't you remember the first flush of romance, the first spark of attraction?

Sometimes passion just takes hold and won't let go. Gaz, you must remember that.

Well, I remember all that weird, revolting stuff you do to impress each other. Flowers and that.

Well, we do all that. He fingered me. I did.

Here, take my keys. Use our flat - Donna won't be there.

She'll be in a library or on The South Bank Show or something. Don't come back here. We won't. Promise.

Oh, Jonny...

Are you, er, are you free for a drink later?

It's just that Donna's not got much time for me at the minute, with this essay. Well, yeah, all right.

And, Jonny... What?

Nobody says, "He fingered me," any more.

She's so old-fashioned and conservative.

My mum's gonna love her.

1,416... 1,417...

1,418.

Oooh, are we playing hide and seek?

No, it's my essay. I need 82 more words.

The tutors don't count the words.

It says you can be penalised if you go below the word count. Ooh, I'd love to be penalised now.

I'll just have to go through it again, stick some adjectives in.

Great idea. What's an adjective? Is it lubed?

Here you are, Louise - jobs pages.

You could put what you like - they only scan the essays. So I could just insert "brazil nuts"

in random places and they wouldn't notice? No.

I'd notice if someone inserted brazil nuts in random places.

I'd notice, I just wouldn't mind.

Janet, why don't you just phone Jonny and get him back?

Cos he's with that girl.

The NEW Janet. Oh, Kate. He's done really well for himself.

Gaz says he's like a new man, he's got a...pregnancy glow about him.

Although, I think she's a bit up herself.

Yeah, she's all "Ne-ne-ne, Jonny."

Yeah, and all, "Ne-ne-ne, Jonny...wonny."

Yeah, I hate her. Yeah, me too.

Aww! You guys! Well, I'd say more horrible things, but I don't really know her.

Why don't you look at the lonely hearts in the paper? Cos I'm not an ageing divorcee with man issues.

Yes, you are, dear.

Anyway, my Auntie Nigel found her husband through the lonely hearts.

Go on, give us a look, then.

I mean, if we're considering it, then someone else normal must have thought of it too.

Losers!

Eh? These lonely hearts.

If you're lonely, you only have to call your mum. Some things a mother can't provide, Munch.

Yeah, sperm. No, I mean, there must be some discreet women out there.

If you're looking for discreetness, look no further than Tenalady Active.

What do you want a discreet woman for? Oh, just ignore me.

It's...it's just Donna's so busy with this course and that...

You can stop ignoring me now.

Oh, are you going to cheat on her? No, no, I still want her.

It's just, I also have needs.

Call your mum.

Different kinds of needs. Call MY mum.

Your mum's malnourished.

I don't know. It's not even like the sex is bad, cos that's still there.

Although she sometimes does read over my shoulder, though. Oh?

But that's OK. Means I can watch Top Of The Pops over hers. We all win.

Doesn't she fancy you?

I don't know. It's just something I can't put me finger on.

Your elbow. You can't put your finger on your same elbow, can you? Like this. See?

No, no... It's...

I just need some... Cuddles. No!

Well, yeah.

Actually, yeah,

I just need some cuddles, some affection. You're right.

Come here.

Can you think of any other phrases to slot into my essay that don't mean anything? What do you mean?

Like "in conclusion" and "per se". Stuff that you say that doesn't actually mean anything.

"I promise I won't come in your mouth."

What?! That doesn't mean a thing.

Anyone interesting in there? No. Well,

when they say "good sense of humour", what does that mean?

Because I think I'm hilarious. But nobody seems to laugh when I do my Trevor McDonald impression.

"Hello, I'm Trevor McDonald and here is some news."

Ooh, this job is SO me! Ooh, you found a good one?

Oh, yeah.

But I just have to lie a tiny bit on my CV. But everybody does that. It's just one extra qualification.

Ah-h-h.

How's your coffee? Fair Trade. The world gets richer with every sip.

Yeah, it's, er, it's like drinking a lovely Colombian child.

Can I get you anything else? A cushion? I'm fully plumped.

A back rub? No, I'm surprisingly relaxed after the three blow-jobs.

I'll sing.

Oh, mist rolling

And, er, you can bake as well. Wow!

God, you're perfect. You know, Janet works in a baker's, and she never so much as made me a scone.

If I was in love, I'd bake for my boyfriend every day. I'd do everything for him -

cooking, cleaning, random acts of masturbation.

Everything. It's the only way to gain someone's respect.

Kate, you know... If you were in love with someone...

Yes, Jonny? How would they know?

Well, I've always thought that the man I fall for would have as deep a love and as deep a knowledge

of biscuits as I do. Biscuits?

Custard creams, Hobnobs, chocolate digestives. What about Jaffa Cakes? Not a biscuit. Exactly.

You are right, you are precisely right.

What about Jammy Dodgers? Eh? The old Jammy Ds, eh?

Mmm. Perfection in confection.

That's true, and it rhymes!

And they're jammy-licious.

I always knew that was a real word! The test, of course, would be his view on KitKats.

Ah, yes, the old "are they or aren't they" debate.

Should they be confined to the chocolate emporium or welcomed like a prodigal son

into the biscuit arena? And...?

It's a hotbed of a minefield of a conundrum of a pickle of a riddle for me.

But if I look into my heart... Yes?

Well, if I'm honest with what my soul desires with its cup of tea, mid-afternoon. Yes, Kate?

Yes, Jonny, a KitKat is a biscuit.

Oh, thank God!

Kate, you're so special. Janet used to keep them in the fridge, next to the Nutella. Can you imagine?!

'Good...aternoon. You have reached Dial-a-Mates service for...

'women seeking men. And you have reached box number...

'eight-y four...Q. To leave a message, press 1.

'To complain about people setting you up for a laugh, press 2.'

Um, hello. Er, my name is Janet.

And...I liked your ad.

Um, you sounded nice... and I am single.

Erm, I have blonde hair. I'm young and slim.

Oh, no, that makes me sound really big-headed, doesn't it? Sorry. Um, I'm not that good. But, um...

But if you want to meet, I'll be in the Archer at seven tonight.

You'll know me cos I'm just dirt, baby.

No, really, I'll do owt.

Oh, and, um... Ciao.

Oh... Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

So, where exactly have you had time to do an economics degree,

zoology degree, become a mason, oh, and captain of my golf club?

I did it through the Open University.

You're applying for the post of...? Head of finance at ICI.

These are all lies. It's completely fabricated. I mean, we could get you on disability if you like.

You're mad enough.

Fine. If you don't appreciate ingenuity or charm or my manicure, then, fine. It's not up to me.

Look, just tell me honestly what your qualifications are and I'll help you.

Well, I do have a degree. Brilliant. It shouldn't be any trouble, then. What's the subject?

Sociology.

Right.

Have you ever considered a career in Pizza Hut?

Another pint, please, Norma.

Hey, I don't suppose you, er.. you know, you fancy...

Well, can I just...

well, you know, you're all nice and mumsy and... Can I just lie on your breasts for half hour?

Oh, no, sorry, love. I'm looking for, er, for affection, not...

I don't even know what you are.

Whoa! You look great!

Hiya. Not with Jonny?

He's with Kate again. They're always together. Like me and Donna used to be. And me and Jonny used to be.

So, why are you all dressed up like the biggest slut in the universe?

Thank you. I have a date. With a man. Don't you think that's rushing things a bit?

Don't you think Jonny's rushing things with Kate? Kate the...great.

Oh. No, that's wrong - Kate... the mate. Oh, think of something rubbish that rhymes with Kate.

Kate, Kate...

the potate-o.

Oi, Janet? Yeah? Why did you arrange to meet your date in here?

What? This is where me and Jonny always come for a pint. So what? You want him to see you, don't you?

What on earth do you mean?

I arranged to meet box number 84Q here cos it's close to my house. Box 84Q?

It's his name. God, he's one of them personal ads, isn't he? That's just sad.

No, it's not. It's my way of getting over Jonny.

You still love him?

No.

Right. So you arranged to meet box number 84Q in your ex-boyfriend's pub,

wearing the most brilliant skirt ever. Thank you.

You should have worn underwear, though, it's just not nice. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's smiling at me now.

What's your point? I'm getting on with life, dating other men.

I wasn't criticising, I was... I wish I'd thought of it with Donna. Could you have a word with her?

She's not around as much... Will you stop drinking me pint?! Sorry. I'm just so nervous. Where is he?

Who? Box 84Q.

He said he was blonde, slim, had a strong jaw line, and...

Oh, shit.

Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?

Whack! Yeah. Yeah.

Have some of that. Whack!

Oh, my God. What are you doing here? ..And with my York Notes!

Gaz said we could hang out here. Could you hang back in again, please?

I've got to do some work. Gaz has no consideration for what I want.

What's the matter? Have you got the meeny-greenies in? Possibly, if I knew what that meant.

I'm still 70 words short.

What? On an essay? No, Jonny. On an opera I'm composing.

Can you go somewhere else? What's it about? It's English Lit. The Bell Jar.

What? It sounds rude, so...

I could help. I did The Bell Jar at A-level.

Well, I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't think you and me... Janet wouldn't like it.

I got an A. Stay on the bed, mate. ..You, off.

Oh, man, you didn't even check the gender!

Jesus. "Excuse us, would one of you be Janet?" It's like an episode of Bad Girls.

Oh, well, it's better than moping around, thinking about Jonny.

You admit it, then? What? You still want Jonny?

No. I just...miss...stuff.

Stuff.

As in S-E-X? N-O-P-E.

What's a noppy?

Well, I don't miss the sex. I mean, I do miss that a bit, obviously.

But there's things you can do for frustration, isn't there? Oh, do tell.

Oi! What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is between me and a king-size Bounty.

Oooh! Oh, you eat it, don't you? Yes, I do.

Yep, comfort eating.

Last night, I ate a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's, got into bed and had a good old cry over nothing at all.

You woman. Oh, I'm very sensitive. Things affect me deeper than other people.

You don't need to comfort eat. At least there's someone in your bed.

When she finishes her reading. I mean, we sleep together,

but it's just...

you know, Noddy and Big Ears,

just perfunctory, animal sex.

I thought that'd suit you.

I did too, but once the cuddles went away...

Cuddles? Cuggles!

Yeah, men like 'em too, you know.

Aw, is wickle Gaz missing his cuggles?

Ah, come here, baba. Come here.

See, this is what I miss.

This is quite good.

Yeah, it is, isn't it? And you actually smell a bit like Donna.

Buckety. Sssh.

I should let go. Man, this should be weird.

Mmm. But it's not... Weird.

Let's just do it for five minutes.

God, this is brilliant, just brilliant.

I know.

Two women, king-size bed and a can of beer. Life could only get better if there were Jammy Ds.

I'm up to my word count. You took out that big flaw I couldn't see.

Ah, she's so clever. Sometimes I'd like to stick a Hoover in her ear and suck those brains right out.

Jonny, that's so sweet.

So, Donna, um, are you going out?

Eh? Well, only, I fancied a bit, and you're kind of in the way. No, Jonny, we should all go out.

It'd be nice spending time with Gaz too. Where is he, the pub? Yeah.

But Janet's meeting her date there tonight - bit tricky.

Date?

She's dating? Yeah.

I don't care!

What's up?

Nothing, nothing at all. I love you!

Ow!

Well, I can honestly say I won't be needing this any more.

Shit.

Indeed. I don't know what happened.

We had sex.

But you're... Man, you're Janet.

We didn't use the condom. You're...you're Janet. The condom!

Yes, it's empty, it's empty, it's empty.

Well, did you...?

You know...?

Buckets.

Shit. I know.

I should have a bath.

Hello, you two!

My, God, the day I've had...

Louise. Janet, can you at least put the kettle on?

Jesus, look at this mess. Well, I should go.

No, stay. You will not believe this.

My degree, my three years has been for...

Eurgh!

What's that condom doing there?

Um, I'm celebrating my singledom.

By inflating condoms?

Um, it's symbolic.

You see, I'm blowing up jonnies, So that Jonny will, er, blow away.

Oh, that's nice. I'm going to call Donna. No, listen to me.

This bloody man at the Job Centre said, "You're really suited to..."

Why have you got no clothes on?

Um, I...I had a bath.

Why?

Er, well,

I disgraced myself.

Oh, God, sit further away.

Anyway, with all my qualifications, they could only offer me a career in...

Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?

Er, because, um...

Louise... Oh, God.

Look, don't tell anyone, OK? Don't tell Jonny. Or Donna.

What?

Look, we slept together. We didn't mean to. It just started off as...

You two...

Yeah, right! Give me credit for some credit.

What? You two?! We did! We just did it, there on the couch.

Oh, stop it - you're killing me! Oh, God.

Well, thank you. I needed a laugh after the day I had.

I suppose you just really fancied Janet, did you?

Yeah, I did actually, yeah. And I bet he was really strong and masterful. Well, yeah.

I bet you were like feral beasts in the night, all bitey and rampant. Yeah. We were, yeah.

Oh, and you set up this whole thing just to make me laugh.

You're such a good friend, Janet.

Phew! Well, joke over.

Ah, well, I'd better go.

I've got these forms to fill in.

I suppose you need to get back to being filthy. Yeah.

OK, lovebirds! Toodle-oo!

Oh, have fun with your wild sex!

Miaow!

Oh, and, er, Gaz, do me next time, you big stud muffin!

Well, I don't know where Janet is. Maybe she got lucky and took her date home. No!

Sorry, my...toe...spasmed.

Ah, brilliant, you're here.

Donna, get me a Malibu and Malibu.

Have you seen Gaz? Yeah, he's at Janet's. Oh, thank God.

What?

My...my toe stopped...spasming.

Well, what happened to her date? Search me.

Oh, well, I'll phone, or I'll go round there, check she's OK. Take Gaz home for some attention.

I've been neglecting him a bit lately. I feel a bit guilty.

Scuse us. Would one of you be Janet?

PHONE RINGS

I think you handled that superbly

Gaz, what are we gonna do? I'm going home. What? Why?

Cos my girlfriend turned up while I was shagging you. I just got bored.

What's going on?!

You're cleaning. Yes. Tidy house, tidy mind.

Dirty house, dirty girl. Dirty, dirty, Janet. Bad.