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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,280
"Janet had a boyfriend once, but
he dumped her." What am I gonna do?
2
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,280
This is Kate. Janet...
3
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,560
Thank you for letting this man
come into my life.
4
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,040
Check me out - I'm a student.
5
00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,960
You'd rather be out
with your arty-farty mates.
I'm not arty enough.
6
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,840
Where does that leave me?
Farty?
7
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:31,640
I'm glad you've come around, Don.
I really miss Jonny.
8
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:36,160
This programme contains adult humour
9
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,920
with bubbles in it
10
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:48,840
I can't handle anything stronger now
11
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:54,120
I'll have a pint of lager, please
12
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,120
I'm gonna to be so bored
after I graduate.
13
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,520
Maybe I'll take up a hobby.
14
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,320
Is fox-hunting difficult?
15
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:22,400
Get a job - that's the point
of doing a degree, isn't it?
I'm not getting a summer job.
16
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:26,920
I spent all of last July licking
envelopes. Temp jobs are like that.
17
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,080
Who said it was a job?
18
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,240
I was just bored.
19
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,760
Chocolate!
20
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,120
Chocolate. All, hail chocolate.
21
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,160
Just as good as Jonny.
22
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,200
Especially the king-size Snickers.
They're ribbed, you know.
23
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,600
You haven't been intimate
with this KitKat, have you?
24
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:49,240
Oh, God knows I've tried.
They just haven't got the girth.
25
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,000
Janet, Donna says I need a job.
26
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:59,000
Well, you do if you're graduating.
You should start looking now.
But I can't. I'm so-o-o-o lazy.
27
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,200
Can't you do it for me?
28
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:08,000
I'm sure it's not normal to think
about Toblerones in this way.
29
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,240
Oh, I'm so very lonely.
30
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:19,400
I need something that suits
my stature. I'm a bastion of
knowledge. Look at me bastioning.
31
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,680
Ooh! Easy there, you big baster.
32
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,360
You're gonna have to start
somewhere. Look at me -
33
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:33,680
I still work in the bucket factory
20 hours a week.
Yeah, but you're a skank, Donna.
34
00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,480
Thanking you.
35
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,400
What's up with you?
36
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,280
I miss Jonny. I really miss him.
37
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,360
So why are you walking like that?
38
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:57,240
Because, um, I tried
to replicate him with a Curly Wurly
but it's gone dreadfully wrong.
39
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:06,800
go round and round
40
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:13,320
go round and round
41
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,120
SQUEAL
42
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,320
GIGGLING
43
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,880
GRUNTING
44
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,080
go slurp, slurp, slurp
45
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,120
Slurp, slurp, slurp
46
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,360
LAUGHING
47
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,400
God?
48
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:51,840
GIGGLING CONTINUES
49
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,160
Die laughing, boy!
50
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,760
Gaz, no! NO! Not with a wrench!
What you doing?!
51
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,760
This was my fault.
I mean, this is a Daewoo.
52
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:23,960
It's a Daewoo. Well, yes,
if you'd had a nice roomy Volvo,
we would've slept in that.
53
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:28,920
This isn't right. What are you doing
here? It's obvious - keeping warm.
54
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,400
You're keeping warm?
Yeah, by shagging.
55
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:35,800
We haven't got anywhere else to go.
Yeah, well, you can't go here!
56
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:41,120
Oh, Gaz! Don't you remember
the first flush of romance,
the first spark of attraction?
57
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:46,200
Sometimes passion
just takes hold and won't let go.
Gaz, you must remember that.
58
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:52,120
Well, I remember all that weird,
revolting stuff you do to impress
each other. Flowers and that.
59
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,880
Well, we do all that.
He fingered me. I did.
60
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,320
Here, take my keys.
Use our flat - Donna won't be there.
61
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:08,720
She'll be in a library or on The
South Bank Show or something. Don't
come back here. We won't. Promise.
62
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,400
Oh, Jonny...
63
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,280
Are you, er,
are you free for a drink later?
64
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:21,840
It's just that Donna's not got
much time for me at the minute, with
this essay. Well, yeah, all right.
65
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,880
And, Jonny... What?
66
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:29,160
Nobody says, "He fingered me,"
any more.
67
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,000
She's so old-fashioned
and conservative.
68
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,280
My mum's gonna love her.
69
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,640
1,416... 1,417...
70
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,960
1,418.
71
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,640
Oooh, are we playing hide and seek?
72
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,320
No, it's my essay.
I need 82 more words.
73
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,720
The tutors don't count the words.
74
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:04,200
It says you can be penalised
if you go below the word count.
Ooh, I'd love to be penalised now.
75
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:09,520
I'll just have to go through it
again, stick some adjectives in.
76
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,760
Great idea.
What's an adjective? Is it lubed?
77
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,320
Here you are, Louise - jobs pages.
78
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:21,840
You could put what you like -
they only scan the essays. So
I could just insert "brazil nuts"
79
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,240
in random places
and they wouldn't notice? No.
80
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:29,120
I'd notice if someone inserted
brazil nuts in random places.
81
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,720
I'd notice, I just wouldn't mind.
82
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:36,640
Janet, why don't you
just phone Jonny and get him back?
83
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,720
Cos he's with that girl.
84
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:42,680
The NEW Janet. Oh, Kate.
He's done really well for himself.
85
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:47,520
Gaz says he's like a new man, he's
got a...pregnancy glow about him.
86
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:50,560
Although,
I think she's a bit up herself.
87
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,920
Yeah, she's all "Ne-ne-ne, Jonny."
88
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,920
Yeah, and all,
"Ne-ne-ne, Jonny...wonny."
89
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,240
Yeah, I hate her. Yeah, me too.
90
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:09,080
Aww! You guys!
Well, I'd say more horrible things,
but I don't really know her.
91
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:15,080
Why don't you look at the lonely
hearts in the paper? Cos I'm not
an ageing divorcee with man issues.
92
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,560
Yes, you are, dear.
93
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,680
Anyway, my Auntie Nigel found her
husband through the lonely hearts.
94
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,000
Go on, give us a look, then.
95
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:33,840
I mean, if we're considering it,
then someone else normal
must have thought of it too.
96
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,680
Losers!
97
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,440
Eh? These lonely hearts.
98
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:44,760
If you're lonely, you only
have to call your mum. Some things
a mother can't provide, Munch.
99
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:49,760
Yeah, sperm. No, I mean, there must
be some discreet women out there.
100
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:55,120
If you're looking for discreetness,
look no further
than Tenalady Active.
101
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,240
What do you want a discreet woman
for? Oh, just ignore me.
102
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,720
It's...it's just Donna's
so busy with this course and that...
103
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,320
You can stop ignoring me now.
104
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:13,120
Oh, are you going to cheat on her?
No, no, I still want her.
105
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,880
It's just, I also have needs.
106
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,000
Call your mum.
107
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,480
Different kinds of needs.
Call MY mum.
108
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,200
Your mum's malnourished.
109
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:28,360
I don't know. It's not even like the
sex is bad, cos that's still there.
110
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:32,640
Although she sometimes does read
over my shoulder, though. Oh?
111
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,840
But that's OK. Means I can watch Top
Of The Pops over hers. We all win.
112
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,160
Doesn't she fancy you?
113
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:42,640
I don't know. It's just something
I can't put me finger on.
114
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:48,560
Your elbow. You can't put your
finger on your same elbow, can you?
Like this. See?
115
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,000
No, no... It's...
116
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,560
I just need some... Cuddles. No!
117
00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,760
Well, yeah.
118
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,600
Actually, yeah,
119
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,960
I just need some cuddles,
some affection. You're right.
120
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,400
Come here.
121
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:19,360
Can you think of any other phrases
to slot into my essay that don't
mean anything? What do you mean?
122
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:24,480
Like "in conclusion" and "per se".
Stuff that you say that
doesn't actually mean anything.
123
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:28,040
"I promise
I won't come in your mouth."
124
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,120
What?! That doesn't mean a thing.
125
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,640
Anyone interesting in there?
No. Well,
126
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:42,520
when they say "good sense
of humour", what does that mean?
127
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:48,040
Because I think I'm hilarious.
But nobody seems to laugh when
I do my Trevor McDonald impression.
128
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:52,760
"Hello, I'm Trevor McDonald
and here is some news."
129
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:59,520
Ooh, this job is SO me!
Ooh, you found a good one?
130
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,080
Oh, yeah.
131
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:08,360
But I just have to lie a tiny bit
on my CV. But everybody does that.
It's just one extra qualification.
132
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,560
Ah-h-h.
133
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:18,280
How's your coffee? Fair Trade. The
world gets richer with every sip.
134
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:22,960
Yeah, it's, er, it's like drinking
a lovely Colombian child.
135
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:29,440
Can I get you anything else?
A cushion? I'm fully plumped.
136
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:33,760
A back rub? No, I'm surprisingly
relaxed after the three blow-jobs.
137
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,320
I'll sing.
138
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:43,200
Oh, mist rolling
139
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,680
And, er, you can bake as well. Wow!
140
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:51,280
God, you're perfect. You know,
Janet works in a baker's, and she
never so much as made me a scone.
141
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:56,400
If I was in love, I'd bake
for my boyfriend every day.
I'd do everything for him -
142
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,120
cooking, cleaning,
random acts of masturbation.
143
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:05,320
Everything. It's the only way
to gain someone's respect.
144
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:11,760
Kate, you know...
If you were in love with someone...
145
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,120
Yes, Jonny? How would they know?
146
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:20,160
Well, I've always thought that the
man I fall for would have as deep
a love and as deep a knowledge
147
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:23,400
of biscuits as I do. Biscuits?
148
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:29,560
Custard creams, Hobnobs, chocolate
digestives. What about Jaffa Cakes?
Not a biscuit. Exactly.
149
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,760
You are right,
you are precisely right.
150
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,920
What about Jammy Dodgers?
Eh? The old Jammy Ds, eh?
151
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,920
Mmm. Perfection in confection.
152
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,480
That's true, and it rhymes!
153
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,600
And they're jammy-licious.
154
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:49,720
I always knew that was a real word!
The test, of course,
would be his view on KitKats.
155
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:53,800
Ah, yes, the old
"are they or aren't they" debate.
156
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:58,840
Should they be confined
to the chocolate emporium
or welcomed like a prodigal son
157
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,160
into the biscuit arena? And...?
158
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:07,440
It's a hotbed of a minefield
of a conundrum
of a pickle of a riddle for me.
159
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,600
But if I look into my heart... Yes?
160
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:14,720
Well, if I'm honest with what my
soul desires with its cup of tea,
mid-afternoon. Yes, Kate?
161
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,240
Yes, Jonny, a KitKat is a biscuit.
162
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,640
Oh, thank God!
163
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:28,040
Kate, you're so special. Janet used
to keep them in the fridge, next
to the Nutella. Can you imagine?!
164
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:33,680
'Good...aternoon. You have reached
Dial-a-Mates service for...
165
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,600
'women seeking men.
And you have reached box number...
166
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,960
'eight-y four...Q.
To leave a message, press 1.
167
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:45,200
'To complain about people setting
you up for a laugh, press 2.'
168
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,400
Um, hello. Er, my name is Janet.
169
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,880
And...I liked your ad.
170
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:57,640
Um, you sounded nice...
and I am single.
171
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,480
Erm, I have blonde hair.
I'm young and slim.
172
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:08,360
Oh, no, that makes me sound really
big-headed, doesn't it? Sorry.
Um, I'm not that good. But, um...
173
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,440
But if you want to meet, I'll be
in the Archer at seven tonight.
174
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,640
You'll know me
cos I'm just dirt, baby.
175
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,000
No, really, I'll do owt.
176
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,720
Oh, and, um... Ciao.
177
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,080
Oh... Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
178
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:39,280
So, where exactly have you had time
to do an economics degree,
179
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:43,960
zoology degree, become a mason,
oh, and captain of my golf club?
180
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,280
I did it
through the Open University.
181
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:53,000
You're applying for the post of...?
Head of finance at ICI.
182
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:59,720
These are all lies. It's completely
fabricated. I mean, we could
get you on disability if you like.
183
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,720
You're mad enough.
184
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:09,480
Fine. If you don't appreciate
ingenuity or charm or my manicure,
then, fine. It's not up to me.
185
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:15,120
Look, just tell me honestly
what your qualifications are
and I'll help you.
186
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:20,400
Well, I do have a degree.
Brilliant. It shouldn't be any
trouble, then. What's the subject?
187
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,720
Sociology.
188
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,760
Right.
189
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,840
Have you ever considered
a career in Pizza Hut?
190
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,000
Another pint, please, Norma.
191
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,680
Hey, I don't suppose you, er..
you know, you fancy...
192
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,600
Well, can I just...
193
00:14:54,600 --> 00:15:02,400
well, you know, you're all nice
and mumsy and... Can I just lie
on your breasts for half hour?
194
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,600
Oh, no, sorry, love. I'm looking
for, er, for affection, not...
195
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:22,920
I don't even know what you are.
196
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,600
Whoa! You look great!
197
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,960
Hiya. Not with Jonny?
198
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:39,600
He's with Kate again. They're always
together. Like me and Donna used
to be. And me and Jonny used to be.
199
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:44,520
So, why are you all dressed up like
the biggest slut in the universe?
200
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:50,440
Thank you. I have a date.
With a man. Don't you think
that's rushing things a bit?
201
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:55,200
Don't you think Jonny's rushing
things with Kate? Kate the...great.
202
00:15:55,200 --> 00:16:00,680
Oh. No, that's wrong - Kate...
the mate. Oh, think of something
rubbish that rhymes with Kate.
203
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,640
Kate, Kate...
204
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:08,040
the potate-o.
205
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:14,080
Oi, Janet? Yeah? Why did you arrange
to meet your date in here?
206
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:20,080
What? This is where me and Jonny
always come for a pint. So what?
You want him to see you, don't you?
207
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,440
What on earth do you mean?
208
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:28,240
I arranged to meet
box number 84Q here cos
it's close to my house. Box 84Q?
209
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:35,360
It's his name. God,
he's one of them personal ads,
isn't he? That's just sad.
210
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:39,440
No, it's not.
It's my way of getting over Jonny.
211
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,600
You still love him?
212
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:45,920
No.
213
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:52,360
Right. So you arranged
to meet box number 84Q
in your ex-boyfriend's pub,
214
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:56,040
wearing the most brilliant skirt
ever. Thank you.
215
00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,240
You should have worn underwear,
though, it's just not nice. Sorry.
216
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,400
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
it's smiling at me now.
217
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:08,600
What's your point? I'm getting on
with life, dating other men.
218
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:14,440
I wasn't criticising, I was...
I wish I'd thought of it with Donna.
Could you have a word with her?
219
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:20,240
She's not around as much... Will you
stop drinking me pint?! Sorry.
I'm just so nervous. Where is he?
220
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,600
Who? Box 84Q.
221
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:28,560
He said he was blonde, slim,
had a strong jaw line, and...
222
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:29,920
Oh, shit.
223
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,600
Scuse us.
Would one of you be Janet?
224
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,200
Whack! Yeah. Yeah.
225
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:43,280
Have some of that. Whack!
226
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:48,640
Oh, my God. What are you doing
here? ..And with my York Notes!
227
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,360
Gaz said we could hang out here.
Could you hang back in again,
please?
228
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:58,120
I've got to do some work. Gaz has
no consideration for what I want.
229
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:05,320
What's the matter? Have you got
the meeny-greenies in? Possibly,
if I knew what that meant.
230
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,640
I'm still 70 words short.
231
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,440
What? On an essay? No, Jonny.
On an opera I'm composing.
232
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:16,320
Can you go somewhere else? What's
it about? It's English Lit.
The Bell Jar.
233
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,040
What? It sounds rude, so...
234
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:25,200
I could help.
I did The Bell Jar at A-level.
235
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:31,720
Well, I don't think that would be
a good idea. I don't think you
and me... Janet wouldn't like it.
236
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,000
I got an A.
Stay on the bed, mate. ..You, off.
237
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,880
Oh, man,
you didn't even check the gender!
238
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:46,720
Jesus. "Excuse us,
would one of you be Janet?"
It's like an episode of Bad Girls.
239
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,360
Oh, well, it's better than moping
around, thinking about Jonny.
240
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:56,000
You admit it, then?
What? You still want Jonny?
241
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,440
No. I just...miss...stuff.
242
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,040
Stuff.
243
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,880
As in S-E-X? N-O-P-E.
244
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,640
What's a noppy?
245
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,640
Well, I don't miss the sex. I mean,
I do miss that a bit, obviously.
246
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:18,480
But there's things you can do
for frustration, isn't there?
Oh, do tell.
247
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:24,280
Oi! What I do in the privacy
of my bedroom is between me
and a king-size Bounty.
248
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,120
Oooh! Oh, you eat it, don't you?
Yes, I do.
249
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,040
Yep, comfort eating.
250
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:38,640
Last night, I ate a whole tub of
Ben & Jerry's, got into bed and had
a good old cry over nothing at all.
251
00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:44,080
You woman. Oh, I'm very sensitive.
Things affect me deeper
than other people.
252
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:48,320
You don't need to comfort eat. At
least there's someone in your bed.
253
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,920
When she finishes her reading.
I mean, we sleep together,
254
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,880
but it's just...
255
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,640
you know, Noddy and Big Ears,
256
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,680
just perfunctory, animal sex.
257
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,480
I thought that'd suit you.
258
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,880
I did too,
but once the cuddles went away...
259
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,920
Cuddles? Cuggles!
260
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,280
Yeah, men like 'em too, you know.
261
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:15,040
Aw, is wickle Gaz
missing his cuggles?
262
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,960
Ah, come here, baba. Come here.
263
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,320
See, this is what I miss.
264
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,000
This is quite good.
265
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:34,680
Yeah, it is, isn't it? And
you actually smell a bit like Donna.
266
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,880
Buckety. Sssh.
267
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:45,520
I should let go.
Man, this should be weird.
268
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,720
Mmm. But it's not... Weird.
269
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,880
Let's just do it for five minutes.
270
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,320
God, this is brilliant,
just brilliant.
271
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,920
I know.
272
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:08,840
Two women, king-size bed and a can
of beer. Life could only get better
if there were Jammy Ds.
273
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,720
I'm up to my word count. You took
out that big flaw I couldn't see.
274
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:18,640
Ah, she's so clever. Sometimes I'd
like to stick a Hoover in her ear
and suck those brains right out.
275
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,880
Jonny, that's so sweet.
276
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,320
So, Donna, um, are you going out?
277
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:31,680
Eh? Well, only, I fancied a bit,
and you're kind of in the way.
No, Jonny, we should all go out.
278
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:35,800
It'd be nice spending time with Gaz
too. Where is he, the pub? Yeah.
279
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,240
But Janet's meeting her date there
tonight - bit tricky.
280
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,880
Date?
281
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,240
She's dating? Yeah.
282
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,400
I don't care!
283
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,520
What's up?
284
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,760
Nothing, nothing at all. I love you!
285
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,080
Ow!
286
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,840
Well, I can honestly say
I won't be needing this any more.
287
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,880
Shit.
288
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,960
Indeed. I don't know what happened.
289
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,200
We had sex.
290
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,760
But you're... Man, you're Janet.
291
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:21,440
We didn't use the condom.
You're...you're Janet. The condom!
292
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,160
Yes, it's empty,
it's empty, it's empty.
293
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,320
Well, did you...?
294
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,840
You know...?
295
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,200
Buckets.
296
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,200
Shit. I know.
297
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,160
I should have a bath.
298
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,680
Hello, you two!
299
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:48,720
My, God, the day I've had...
300
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:57,000
Louise. Janet, can you
at least put the kettle on?
301
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,520
Jesus, look at this mess.
Well, I should go.
302
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,760
No, stay.
You will not believe this.
303
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,400
My degree,
my three years has been for...
304
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,280
Eurgh!
305
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,600
What's that condom doing there?
306
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:17,080
Um, I'm celebrating my singledom.
307
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,640
By inflating condoms?
308
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,600
Um, it's symbolic.
309
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:28,560
You see, I'm blowing up jonnies,
So that Jonny will, er, blow away.
310
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:35,280
Oh, that's nice. I'm going
to call Donna. No, listen to me.
311
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,880
This bloody man at the Job Centre
said, "You're really suited to..."
312
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,280
Why have you got no clothes on?
313
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,040
Um, I...I had a bath.
314
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,400
Why?
315
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,560
Er, well,
316
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,760
I disgraced myself.
317
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:00,800
Oh, God, sit further away.
318
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:09,280
Anyway, with all my qualifications,
they could only offer me
a career in...
319
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,200
Why are you wearing Gaz's T-shirt?
320
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,520
Er, because, um...
321
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:20,360
Louise... Oh, God.
322
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:25,320
Look, don't tell anyone, OK?
Don't tell Jonny. Or Donna.
323
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,240
What?
324
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,680
Look, we slept together. We didn't
mean to. It just started off as...
325
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:39,200
You two...
326
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:46,120
Yeah, right!
Give me credit for some credit.
327
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:52,240
What? You two?! We did!
We just did it, there on the couch.
328
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,160
Oh, stop it - you're killing me!
Oh, God.
329
00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:00,520
Well, thank you. I needed a laugh
after the day I had.
330
00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:05,480
I suppose you just really fancied
Janet, did you?
331
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:11,800
Yeah, I did actually, yeah.
And I bet he was really strong
and masterful. Well, yeah.
332
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:17,520
I bet you were like feral beasts
in the night, all bitey
and rampant. Yeah. We were, yeah.
333
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:22,160
Oh, and you set up this whole thing
just to make me laugh.
334
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,920
You're such a good friend, Janet.
335
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,640
Phew! Well, joke over.
336
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:38,840
Ah, well, I'd better go.
337
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,160
I've got these forms to fill in.
338
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:46,280
I suppose you need to get back
to being filthy. Yeah.
339
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,600
OK, lovebirds! Toodle-oo!
340
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:55,320
Oh, have fun with your wild sex!
341
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:57,160
Miaow!
342
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:03,440
Oh, and, er, Gaz, do me next time,
you big stud muffin!
343
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:32,000
Well, I don't know where Janet is.
Maybe she got lucky
and took her date home. No!
344
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:35,280
Sorry, my...toe...spasmed.
345
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,480
Ah, brilliant, you're here.
346
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,840
Donna, get me a Malibu and Malibu.
347
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:47,640
Have you seen Gaz? Yeah,
he's at Janet's. Oh, thank God.
348
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,200
What?
349
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:53,480
My...my toe stopped...spasming.
350
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,680
Well, what happened to her date?
Search me.
351
00:26:56,680 --> 00:27:03,080
Oh, well, I'll phone, or I'll go
round there, check she's OK. Take
Gaz home for some attention.
352
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,800
I've been neglecting him
a bit lately. I feel a bit guilty.
353
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:11,000
Scuse us.
Would one of you be Janet?
354
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,920
PHONE RINGS
355
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,400
I think you handled that superbly
356
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:40,240
Gaz, what are we gonna do?
I'm going home. What? Why?
357
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,560
Cos my girlfriend turned up while I
was shagging you. I just got bored.
358
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,160
What's going on?!
359
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:52,960
You're cleaning. Yes.
Tidy house, tidy mind.
360
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:57,440
Dirty house, dirty girl.
Dirty, dirty, Janet. Bad.
30900
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