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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760
I need to find Johnny.
He'll be at the pub.
2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:06,280
What was your name again? Kate.
3
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,880
I've made a terrible mistake.
4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:22,720
This programme contains adult humour
5
00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:30,560
with bubbles in it
6
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:35,400
I can't handle anything stronger now
7
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:53,240
What you doing? Jonny would
only eat things
8
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,680
in pie form,
so I'm being healthy.
9
00:00:55,680 --> 00:01:00,440
Hence my delicious guava.
What does it taste like? Expensive.
10
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:03,960
I've named them.
That's Brad, that's Colin Farrell
11
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,560
and that's Jonny.
12
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:13,000
Help me with this. I need to write
a paragraph about myself for my
class. I need to sound interesting.
13
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,160
What you got so far? The date.
14
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:24,000
Janet, can't you come to college
with me? It'd stop you being lonely.
I am not lonely.
15
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:28,440
I'm happy at home with
my delicious guava. Alan Rickman.
16
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:36,000
You might meet
the man of your dreams.
No man could compete with this.
17
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:42,680
Used properly, it gives the
undercarriage a salady aftertaste.
18
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,520
You haven't!
19
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,040
I'm disgusting.
20
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,560
Don, you don't know where
I can buy any toys, do you? Toys?
21
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:58,040
You know, adult, do-it-yourself
toys, with batteries
and different heads and prongs.
22
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,800
Maybe not prongs.
23
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:05,640
Not that desperate, are you?
No. No, of course not. Right.
24
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:10,160
So, are you going to help me?
How do I get this to vibrate?
25
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:29,280
Munch, what you doing?
I'm having my tea.
26
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,760
I took it off a greyhound.
27
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:39,240
Jonny, what's wrong with you?
You've been running to the toilet
like George Michael on a promise.
28
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,560
Five times in eleven minutes.
29
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:50,000
So? You'll end up in the Guinness
Book of Records for bladder
weakness - Norris McSquirter!
30
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,760
It's Kate.
31
00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:56,160
Every time she looks at me,
my bladder wants to burst.
32
00:02:56,160 --> 00:03:03,240
That'll be your hormones. They give
you first-date nerves. You'll have
to wear an HRT patch like this.
33
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:09,000
Where did you get that?
I found it on my mum's arse.
34
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,160
I'm perfectly calm.
35
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,480
And, look, breasts.
36
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,360
Go and play somewhere else. My bone!
37
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:30,720
Still on for tomorrow night?
The start of my brilliant career.
38
00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:36,280
Yes. It's just tonight
I'm worried about. How am I going
to get through this date, Gaz?
39
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:40,840
Every time I look at her,
I want to wee. Calm down, mate.
40
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,040
Don't show any weakness with women.
Wee-wee's a no-no.
41
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:49,800
Oh, I speak French!
You need to take control.
42
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:55,840
You're right. Is that what you do
with Donna? The woman
doesn't breathe unless I say so.
43
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,360
So she's not doing this course?
44
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,160
Over my dead body, mate.
45
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,240
She starts tonight.
46
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:11,120
Aren't you worried she'll meet
new and exciting men? That
she gets bored and slaps you off?
47
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,960
She's never bored
when she slaps me off.
48
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:21,080
Um...
49
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:25,040
What are you doing?
Must stay calm.
50
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:27,720
Calm like a...
51
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,680
shrub. Um...
52
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,800
No weakness.
53
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,240
Seven o'clock at the castle.
I can't wait.
54
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,200
I wonder if I could
make my fanny sneeze?
55
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,160
DOOR BANGS
56
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:56,440
Hi. Hello, Louise. Welcome
to my new life as a single woman.
57
00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,080
You really are up there, Janet.
Thanks, Louise.
58
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,680
Yep, right up on that top shelf
gathering dust.
59
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:10,280
Eh? Yeah, now you're single,
you'll have to get used to people
looking at you like this -
60
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,400
"Aww-ww!"
61
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:15,160
What am I gonna do?
62
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,520
Don't worry, I'll save you.
63
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:19,960
How? I'm moving in.
64
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:25,080
Hold on a sec. This is MY house.
I say who I live with.
65
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:29,640
But you have to let me stay.
My parents chucked me out. Why?
66
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,880
They've never liked me.
67
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:38,280
Oh, Janet, I'll die if I have
nowhere to hang my DKNY P-A-N-T-s.
68
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,560
Well...I suppose. I mean...
69
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:47,360
It might be like Brownies, all girls
together singing, nice cosy fires,
70
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:52,360
trying to stop Brown Owl
watching you in the showers. Yes.
71
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:57,720
I knew you wouldn't mind. You
brought a toilet bag? A bit cheeky!
72
00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:02,720
No, actually. I brought five
suitcases, a trunk and my hatbox.
73
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:05,240
You can bring them in now, please.
74
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,280
This smells a bit odd.
75
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:16,840
Yeah...it's organic. Mm!
76
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,880
Scrummy!
77
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,000
Oh, yeah.
78
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:38,880
Donna, what shall I wear for
my big night tomorrow? I don't know.
79
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:44,880
I have to finish my personal
introduction. I want to give you
a personal introduction.
80
00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:47,200
Oh, yeah. Oh, no!
81
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:52,480
Listen to this. "Since applying for
this course, I've often thought..."
82
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:57,080
Thought what? No, that's it.
Come on, help me!
83
00:06:57,080 --> 00:07:00,200
It's obvious
what you should write about. Me!
84
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:09,080
Well, then, tell me something
exciting. I can't just put you're
a boring, crappy mechanic. Oi!
85
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:14,440
I work hard, lady.
I've got an important job.
Gaz, fixing cars is hardly poetry.
86
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:19,480
OK, Miss Smarty-arse,
when's the last time you saw
someone drive to work in a poem?
87
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:26,760
Anyway, let's just forget the whole
thing and let Mr Squirty-pen write
his name in your love tunnel.
88
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,280
Go on!
89
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,680
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
90
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,720
Hi, Kate.
91
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,040
No, I've just got here.
92
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:50,240
I'm by the castle.
93
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:51,880
Yeah.
94
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,640
All right. Bye. Bye.
95
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,800
Shit!
96
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,520
Hi, gorgeous.
97
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,120
What are you doing? The washing-up.
98
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:49,880
These plates have got to go.
They're disgusting.
Are these Jonny's leftovers?
99
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,960
I could die from Jonny-coli.
Have you seen my ciggies?
100
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:59,920
Yes, I threw them out. I couldn't
stand the reek. God knows
how Jonny put up with you.
101
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:04,840
And I've also thrown out
some of your clothes.
Only the offensive ones.
102
00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:10,760
Sadly, there wasn't much left.
Right, Louise, you have to go.
Pack your things now and leave.
103
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:17,640
Go? Where to? I've already told
my dad I've found a fabulous place
to live with a great friend.
104
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,440
He'll laugh at me
if he finds out it was you.
Not my problem. Just go.
105
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:30,480
Oh, Janet! There's a huge spider
on the hatbox.
Louise, it's not going to work.
106
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:33,240
Janet, it's as big as a potato.
107
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:38,400
Louise, you'll just have to speak
to your parents... Oh, my God!
108
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,760
Janet, fetch! No, shut up, Louise!
109
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:46,000
It's probably poisonous
and in search of human flesh.
110
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:50,280
And I'm a lot tastier than you are.
Get it out!
111
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,320
Let's be calm about this.
I can deal with this.
112
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:58,840
I'm a grown-up, independent...
Oh, I'll phone Jonny.
113
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:07,280
I'm really sorry about your shoes.
No, worries, they're almost dry.
114
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,680
Actually, it smells quite nice.
115
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,720
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Oh!
116
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,600
Hello? Janet?
117
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,920
How big?
118
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,240
Where is it now?
119
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,360
I can't.
120
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:28,800
Because nothing
should have that many limbs.
Anything over four legs, I faint.
121
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:32,240
Anyway, I've got to go.
I'm on a date.
122
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:39,040
Is there a problem, Jonny?
No. My ex, Janet,
she's got a spider in the house.
123
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:45,600
I'm afraid of spiders. It's
a girl thing. I bet a little spider
wouldn't bother a man like you.
124
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:51,560
Of course not. Grab it by the scruff
of the neck and kick its furry ass.
125
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:57,040
Let's go to Janet's. You can catch
it and I can meet the woman who was
silly enough to let you go. Now?
126
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,240
Why not? I love men
who're able to handle animals.
127
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,440
Uh. Since Janet kicked me out,
there's nothing I can't handle.
128
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:08,880
I've even got used to sleeping on
rough terrain with the wind and rain
on my face. You're sleeping rough?
129
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:13,440
How brave! No, I'm staying
at my dad's. He needs a new roof.
130
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,160
But I would sleep outside if I
could.
131
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,280
Just me and nature in the raw.
132
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:23,400
I could build a shack
with my bare hands,
133
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,880
grow a manly beard, hunt a
few animals...
134
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,640
Agh!
135
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,920
Jonny!
136
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,360
Ee-ee-ee-eeh!
137
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,600
Boom!
138
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,080
Pfft, it's gonna cost you, mate.
139
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:55,320
Hiya! Gaz, it was brilliant.
Did I ask?
140
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,720
Everyone was friendly, and one girl
said I had really nice hair.
141
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:01,240
Lesbian.
142
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:08,040
No, she was just nice. We got our
reading list. We're starting with
Sir Gawain And The Green Knight.
143
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,600
You can start
by reading my new tattoos.
144
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:19,120
Have you ever thought of using all
your brain cells at once instead
of lining them up in single file?
145
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,080
Don't get smart with me. I read.
What was the last thing you read?
146
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,520
"Now wash your hands".
147
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,800
No, I mean the last novel.
148
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:35,160
Wuthering Heights.
I couldn't put it down. Really?
149
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:39,960
I'm sorry. That's great, Gaz.
What was it like?
150
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,080
It was...
151
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,040
"Out on a wild and windy moor...
152
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,320
"..we danced and had some brie...
153
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,040
"..You had a temper
154
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,080
"like my jealousy..."
155
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,560
Too hot. Too...cheesy.
156
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:08,280
Oh, for God's sake!
So? If I don't want to read
stupid stories, that's up to me.
157
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:14,280
You don't like doing the things
I like. It's physically impossible
for me to urinate up a wall.
158
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,120
Not with my patented
strap-on funnel, it isn't.
159
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:24,240
Nobody wants your inventions, Gaz.
The edible lifeboat proved that.
160
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:29,360
Let's just think about tomorrow
night. You have to get there early
to protect me from adoring fans.
161
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:35,000
Sorry, I told the people from my
course I'd go to a play with them.
Oh, I see
162
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:41,000
You'd rather be out
with your arty-farty mates.
Where does that leave me? Farty.
163
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,200
You could come as well.
164
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,120
A play?!
165
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,320
Oh, no, I think...
166
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:54,720
I'd rather drink
a gallon of old man's spit
167
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,080
in a shit-covered glass...
168
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,480
..with pubes on the rim.
169
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,920
Pub's still not fixed
the dishwasher, then?
170
00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:13,040
A little kiss will make it better.
Oh!
171
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:17,240
Where did you learn
to do such neat bandages?
172
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,320
Girl Guides.
173
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:24,200
Have you still got the uniform? I
have. But it might be a bit tight.
174
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,960
Oh, great!
175
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:32,200
I've always wanted to wear one.
I could be Brown Owl and you could
be... I'll be anything you want.
176
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:37,840
Squirrel Nutkin. I could
stay here singing camp songs, and
you could go foraging for nuts...
177
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,160
and lager. Ooh!
Does it hurt very badly?
178
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:45,520
No. Good. We can still go
to Janet's and zap that spider.
179
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,720
Yeah. Oh!
180
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:53,680
Do you want me to give you a
piggy-back? No, Kate, that would be
very undignified and silly.
181
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,840
Well, bend over, then,
so I can get on.
182
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:04,960
On to Janet's house. Here I come,
you hairy-legged freak!
183
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,200
Doesn't Janet wax?
184
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,440
Woo-hoo!
185
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,480
Yee-hah!
186
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,680
Where is it?
187
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,480
It's under the table.
188
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,760
Oh, it's looking at me.
No, it isn't.
189
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:35,320
This is your fault. I was perfectly
happy living on my own till
you turned up with your spider.
190
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:41,560
I didn't bring it. Yes, you did,
in your hatbox. Me and Jonny never
had a spider problem. Know why?
191
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:44,960
Cos Jonny didn't have a hatbox
and bears!
192
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,000
Don't you throw John Merrick at me!
193
00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:53,880
You've been so tetchy since you
got dumped. I did NOT get dumped!
194
00:15:53,880 --> 00:16:00,360
I just can't believe he's on a date
already. Probably in our park,
where he took me on our first date.
195
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:06,320
He pushed me on the swings
and he kissed me on the teapot lid.
Oh, Janet.
196
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:12,680
Jonny? Oh, thank God!
What's happened to your foot?
197
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,000
Janet...
198
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,520
this is Kate.
199
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:17,640
Janet!
200
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:23,920
Thank you so much for letting
this man come into my life.
201
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,360
So, where's
little Incy Wincy, then?
202
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:35,000
You'll need a glass and paper,
Jonny.
203
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,800
Jonny?
204
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,920
Oh, paper, yes. I was just...
205
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:48,000
just thinking
about building my manly shack.
206
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,120
Roar!
207
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,720
Oh, I hope you're not too upset
about losing Jonny. I'd be gutted.
208
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,120
I hope we can be friends.
209
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,560
Or even sisters!
210
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:06,120
Yes. Yes, we're all adults. No need
to be childish about the situation.
211
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,920
Would you...like some cucumber?
212
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,120
Ladies,
watch a master hunter at work!
213
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:19,800
What do I do? Put the glass on top
and the paper underneath.
214
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,960
I've got it! I've tamed the beast!
215
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,440
Yeah! Isn't he wonderful?
216
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,120
And he's all mine.
217
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,200
And look how big it is!
218
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,000
Jonny?
219
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,000
Kate is amazing.
220
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,840
She has medical knowledge,
she knows football...
221
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,560
She can even spell Ugo Ehiogu!
222
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,360
Listen, tonight...shall I go for...
223
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,520
sophistication?
224
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,920
Or full throttle?
225
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,440
Hey, hey, hey!
226
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,560
I hardly think about anything else.
All I can think about is Kate.
227
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:21,480
Kate and Jonny. Jonny and Kate.
I don't think about Janet.
228
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,840
Janet and Kate! Oh!
229
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:31,560
Tonight, are you still coming...?
She wants to do anything I want to
do. I want a kebab, she wants one.
230
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:38,240
If I want a pint, she wants a pint.
If I want to fantasise about
ponies...it's none of her business.
231
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:43,080
I've got a real problem. It's my
big night and Donna won't be there.
232
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,400
She's going out with her new mates
watching a play.
233
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:51,040
That's awful. Listen, you know
you've got good mates who'll
always be there for you, yeah?
234
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:54,520
Means a lot. I wouldn't miss
your special night for anything.
235
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:57,640
Jonny, I have just had
the filthiest idea.
236
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:03,840
Except for this.
237
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,320
I'm sorry, Gaz...this is just too...
238
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,640
We're gonna...
239
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,040
Wait! Oi! Oi! Oi! Hold on!
240
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,920
No! You can't join in!
241
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,760
MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
242
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,120
What's all this?
243
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,120
Surprise!
We're having a slumber party.
244
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:40,160
But why?
That's what single girls do.
245
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,800
Who needs men? Sit down
and tell me about your day.
246
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,480
And I'll ignore you.
247
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,520
Uh...where's my delicious guava?
248
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,960
Oh!
249
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:58,800
He left you. Now, let's talk about
how nice I am for doing all this.
250
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,240
No. I want to talk about Jonny.
251
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,160
OK.
252
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:07,840
Um...doesn't Jonny look happy
with his new girlfriend?
253
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,720
No!
254
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,680
He was happy with me one time.
255
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:14,480
Chocolate?
256
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,680
Jonny used to coat my armpits
in chocolate spread.
257
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:25,520
And put marshmallows between my toes
and nibble them like a horny rabbit.
258
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:32,120
Ugh! But if I ever did food sex
again, it wouldn't be
on the No 36 from Chester.
259
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,880
I wanted to talk
about girlie stuff.
260
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,200
Jonny loved girlie stuff.
261
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:41,840
All lace and gingham. He looked
so pretty. And this one time...
262
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:48,200
Stop it, Janet. ..we stayed in bed
for a whole week existing on Cuppa
Soup. We got terrible bed sores.
263
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:52,800
I kept one of Jonny's.
Do you want to see it? Ugh!
264
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:59,200
I'll come back for the hatbox.
Louise, wait! I haven't told you
the dirtiest thing that Jonny loved.
265
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,240
It was me.
266
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,280
Check me out, I'm a student!
267
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:38,400
You don't look any different.
268
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,360
In the inside,
I'm completely different.
269
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:45,440
I had curry for breakfast
and cornflakes for tea, thus turning
the world on its head.
270
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:51,560
I'm glad you've come round, Don.
I really miss Jonny.
271
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,640
Come here.
272
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,280
I've got something
that'll cheer you up.
273
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:02,680
Sir Gawain And The Green Knight!
It's all written in old English.
274
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:08,280
Someone wrote a book in cider?
No! Old-ee World-ee English-ee.
275
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:13,600
Listen to this.
"He Hade the smelle of the smech
and smolles theder sone.
276
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:19,040
"Falles on the foule flesch
and fyller his wombe."
Have you been on the drink?
277
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:23,360
"And sone yederle
for yete yisterday steven.
278
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:27,240
"How the cheve tayne
he charged that thekyst yemed."
279
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,400
You sound like a twat.
280
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:34,480
Yes. Thank God you said it.
I don't understand a word of it.
281
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:38,480
I'm never gonna pass this course.
I'm a failure.
282
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,240
Munch. Yeah?
283
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:54,080
Do you know, although
your polluted gene pool is a worry,
you are still me half-brother.
284
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,600
Half-brother-half-sister!
285
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,000
Whatever.
286
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,080
Can I talk to you? What's wrong?
287
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,440
It's just Donna, man.
288
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,680
She's gone all funny on me,
all highbrow.
289
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,560
What, poor Donna's just an eyebrow?
290
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:19,080
No. No, no, she's just started
reading books and... There's nothing
wrong with being a late reader.
291
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:25,360
I'm still on Key Stage 1.
"Floppy The Dog", "Flip, Chip
and Kipper", "The Sunday Sport".
292
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:31,400
It's Friday, my big night,
and Donna and Jonny have dumped me.
Friday is my favourite day.
293
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,520
I always get a McDonald's
on Friday.
294
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,080
Tonight,
I'll have a Chicken McFlurry.
295
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:46,680
Will you come and support me?
You can sit in Jonny's seat,
296
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:51,960
as long as you wipe it afterwards.
Sorry, Gaz,
I'm busy with my breasts tonight.
297
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,560
I'm trying nipple tassels.
298
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:05,560
This is what it's supposed
to be like. Yes. Single girl
getting drunk with her mate.
299
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:10,000
And sod Sir Gawain. When they said
it was Middle English,
300
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,440
I thought
it'd be in a Brummie accent.
301
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:18,120
Maybe it is. Anyway, it'll
all be fine. I've got my mate,
302
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:23,000
I've got my mug of wine and I have
my choice of a thousand bears!
303
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:29,160
I said to Gaz I'd try, and I did.
He might tease me, but I know
he'll still be proud, deep down.
304
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:33,680
I'm really pleased you came round,
Don. This is what I needed.
305
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:39,040
I've even stopped thinking about
Jonny and his bone-mending tart.
I saw them. She seems nice.
306
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,040
Did ya?
307
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,720
They weren't...doing it, were they?
308
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:48,600
No, they were shopping. Oh. She's
little Dr Domesticated, is she?
309
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,280
That'll teach him.
310
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:55,560
They were buying chocolate spread
and marshmallows. Oh, my God!
311
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,080
I'll get emergency Lambrini.
312
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,840
Oh, my God! Oh, wait!
313
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:04,880
I have man troubles.
314
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:08,480
I've never had man troubles.
I'm so Sex In The City.
315
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:16,280
Right! Gaz. It's my big night,
and everyone's deserted me.
316
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:21,320
So, Janet, will you please come and
support me? Sorry, Gaz, I forgot.
317
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,360
Why don't you ask Donna?
She's off to a play.
318
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:30,760
She thinks she's so cool
cos she reads books. I read books.
Always got my nose in an AutoTrader.
319
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,040
She'll fail this course, you know.
Gaz...
320
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:39,680
She went to the same school as me
and Nicola from Girls Aloud,
which makes her thick.
321
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,160
How could SHE pass a course?
322
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:47,360
How stupid and how self-important?!
And she's in the kitchen, isn't she?
Yes.
323
00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:52,760
For that schewe the schalee thou
schyre howses as the beryl bornyst,
324
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,400
so boge ye offe,
thou dickest of heades!
325
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,000
Janet, I've got a play to see.
326
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:08,560
She wants to lay off this.
It's bloody lethal.
327
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,880
I'd like to thank everyone
for coming.
328
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,240
And...this one's for Donna.
329
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,920
INTRO TO "Delilah"
330
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:39,280
that I passed by her window
331
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:47,480
of love on her blind
332
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:02,760
and went out of my mind
333
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,440
I miss Jonny. I really miss him.
334
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,920
Why are you walking like that?
335
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,600
I tried to replicate him with
a Curly Wurly, but it's gone wrong.
336
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:24,360
Why don't you just phone Jonny and
get him back? Cos he's with her.
337
00:27:24,360 --> 00:27:28,840
Oh, my God,
what are you doing here?!
338
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,520
Why are you dressed up like
the biggest slut in the universe?
339
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:35,200
I have a date with a man.
28957
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