Original subtitles

I want to go to university and meet people called Suzy and Mink.

This is it, Donna. I've left the house.

Jesus, you could have told him about it. I did.

I left him a note.

Now I can dump you properly.

You don't want to go out with me? Ciao.

This programme contains adult humour

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger now

God, you're just everywhere.

Why did you leave?

SQUEAK!

Everything reminds me of you.

Everything!

Janet! You came back. Thank God. The washing up really needs doing.

No, Jonny, just wait. Oh, you brought your dad with you.

How strange and unromantic.

I need you to leave, Jonny. What?

I'm sorry to do this to you, son.

Well, OK, I'm not sorry, I'm more elated and, er, basically cheerful.

Dad, you said you'd be nice.

I'm sorry, love. Jonny, get out.

Dad! Mate. Jonny, get out. Mate.

That's better.

But why? Jonny, I'm really sorry. This isn't our house.

It's my Gran's, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but she's in that home since she started setting youngsters alight.

That's why we could live here. Yeah, I know, Jonny. "We". Not you.

But I've really looked after it.

Look at it. It's a palace.

Jonny, I'm gonna live here on my own now. You'll have to move out.

But that'd mean...

What? I'd be homeless.

I'm so sorry...

mate.

You've wee'd on your pants.

Oh, God...

not again.

Why does urine follow gravity and drip down? Why can't it have a bit of helium in it and float upwards?

Well, it'd make some fetching balloon animals.

What are you reading?

Well, it's called Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.

What's it about?

Well, the title kind of explains it. What - cookery?

No, it's a self-help book.

What does it say to do?

Well, it says if you're scared of things, just go ahead and do them.

Oh, I see.

Donna...

Did I ever tell you how frightened I was of anal sex?

It says it's normal to feel scared of new things, but if you just leap in head first, it gets less scary.

I'm not leaping into anal sex head first!

Not with all the whole grains you eat! You could blind me.

It's really good. It makes me want to go out and try everything I've ever been scared of.

But that's just stupid.

I'm scared of being bit by a shark.

In Runcorn?

Well, maybe not sharks.

But a wily terrapin could. And I'm scared of jumping off things that are very big.

You jumped off that fat bloke quick enough when you sat on him in The Archer. That was different.

He wanted me.

Don't you see, you have to be scared of some things because they're dangerous?

Like...sharks and fat blokes.

Yeah, and sheep? What? Where?!

It says in the book that you don't have to do the dangerous stuff. It teaches you how to say no,

which is why I said no to eating that thing you found in your foreskin.

All fear is based on fear of failure, like me being scared to get myself an education.

Yeah, but you will fail. Why? Don't you think I'm smart enough?

All right, watch.

Two plus two. Four. That was a bit easy.

All right, five times six. Thirty. How do you do that?

Gaz. I want to do this. You're attitude isn't very helpful.

But don't you see, you're me girlfriend?

If I fail, you fail. Where did you get that book from anyway?

I found it.

We don't have books like that in the flat. We have Feel The Rear And Do it Anyway.

OK. David gave it to me. Oh, God, him again. Yes, him again.

He's going to help me, Gaz.

I'll help you. Don't see him, Donna. He's trouble. He's not.

Any man who owns a hairdryer is trouble.

How do you know he owns a hairdryer?

You don't get a wave like that without a little help from the L'Oreal 3000 Comberlator.

Stay away from him.

But he's gonna help me get an education,

then I'll get a better job, earn more money and have a better life.

I, I, I.

I'll do this, I'll do that. Where's the "we", Donna? Still on your pants.

Where is it, David?

What? If you're looking for my stash, the cleaning lady took it.

I am not looking for your stash.

If you're looking for my virginity, the cleaning lady took it. Read this.

It's too horrible. Too, too horrible.

It just says you have to give a library book back or you can't graduate. So give it back.

I can't. You've got it. Just because I dumped you, you've hidden my library book.

Just like Stalin would've done.

Yes, Louise. That's what I do whenever a girlfriend dumps me.

I hide her copy of... Piggy Goes Oink.

Well, I wouldn't put it past you.

Why did you get Piggy Goes Oink out of the library?

It was in the creche facilities.

I go there sometimes to argue with the kids.

I always win. Well, I haven't got it. And I don't think you brought it here when we were together.

Well, maybe not. But I do know that this is mine.

Hey, I'm watching Kilroy.

And don't think you're keeping these.

Jonny, I've been thinking. You can go to your mum's.

Janet, my mum won't have me back. She's got her pets to look after.

My old room's a turtletarium. Well, couldn't you try asking her?

No, cos I don't want her saying, "Oh, I told you she wasn't right. She's wrong in the head."

Since when has your mum been Bernard Manning?

Look, just let me stay here...

Jonny, listen, when I told my mum and dad that we'd split up, they said you had to move out.

I could stay here secretly.

How? Behind the couch.

Or I could create a den under the table, or lurk beneath the valance.

I'm an excellent lurker. Watch.

Jonny, why are you making this so difficult?

Oh, I am sorry, Janet. Is my homelessness offending you?

Note to self, never be homeless in front of Janet. Oh, whoops, I appear to have done it again!

Gaz'll take you in.

Oh, splendid! Just me, Gaz and Donna all in the same room. Donna would adore that!

She'd be OK. Of course she would

Excuse me, Donna, can I reach over your vulva to get me biscuits?

Why on earth would she have her vulva out?

Gaz says she does all the time.

Look, you have to go somewhere.

Hold on, you can't throw me out.

Oh, I have to, Jonny. I'm really sorry.

No, no, I'm saying, physically, I'm bigger than you. You can't throw me out, ickle-wickle lady.

I'm going to sit down. Oh, Jonny, please just go. My dad'll kill me if you're not got rid of.

No way. I've got rights.

I'm your common-law wife. I'll have sex with you. One last time. Just promise me you'll leave.

What kind of whore do you think I am?

I'm sorry.

No, I'm asking what are you offering, like? Noises, costumes, elasticity, what?

I would dress as Jemima Puddleduck? Mmmm...

Nah, nah, Mrs Tiggywinkle and you'll have a customer.

Jonny, what can I do to get you to leave?

Janet, listen, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you could humanly do to get rid of me, OK?

Well, aren't you going to help me? I'm in a predicament.

Oh, Louise, I would, but me and Jonny really need to... Jonny?

You have a very special talent.

I know. But I can't talk about my unicycling now.

I need your help.

How was that book I gave you?

What? The Feel The Fear one? Yeah. It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, it was good, like.

But by the end I was so excited that...

I had to make myself an omelette. By the time I'd finished, I'd forgotten all my mantras.

Curse my Swiss-cheese brain!

You should write them down. Stick them on your bathroom mirror.

Oh, no, I tried that, like, "be happy for yourself"

and, "forgive your parents"

"get enough sleep, eat your greens".

It scared the hell out of Gaz. He thought God was leaving him notes.

Why don't you try, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff"?

But I don't sweat the small stuff. I sweat the big stuff...cobs.

It's called that because everything is small stuff. Except big stuff? No. Even that is small.

But what about the really big stuff? Well, give me an example. War.

Well, there's nothing you can do about it personally. So it's small.

If you're the Prime Minister, you could do something.

Maybe. So it should be called Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Unless You're The Prime Minister.

You really don't get this, do you? No, I don't. I have big problems.

But you're a student now. You don't have to worry about anything.

Try...

Who Moved My Cheese? It has a picture of some cheese.

Oh, really? Is it scratch and sniff, cos I love the smell of cheddar?

What in Jesus's name is a mantra?

Half man, half tra?

Have you found your personal goddess? You insensitive bastard.

Janet's just thrown me out.

Gaz, can I crash at yours? Ooh, ooh, hold on... No.

What?!

I've been practising saying no. It felt pretty good.

You can't stay at ours, what with Donna having her vulva out.

What am I going to do? I've got no girlfriend, no job and no home.

Listen. You're worried because you're scared.

Too bloody right I'm scared!

I'm going to end up sleeping in a graveyard with a can of Tennent's clutched like a babe to me breast.

That's the spirit. You go, girl! I'm getting a pint.

Hiya! I've got a rabbit.

What are you doing here? Get back to work.

I would, but I'm off on the sick for a week or so now.

There's nothing wrong with you. I know that. But I think I can fool me boss into thinking there is.

I'M your boss.

Stop it. Oi!

What you reading?

Well, it's just one of Donna's. I'm trying to understand her.

Why do you want to do that? Can't you just look at her? She likes that. She's got big Bambi eyes.

If this lad David she's going to college with understands her...

Why do you need a stupid book to tell you that? Just do what you're good at, cos that's what she liked.

Yeah, she did. I know you're right. But she's changing now.

I don't like change. When Crossroads finished I cried.

It's the music, so sad.

IMITATES CROSSROADS THEME

You should have been at work when Crossroads was on!

Wake up!

I can't think of anything that I'm particularly good at doing.

Except the obvious, eh? Eh! Eh?

Cars?

Yeah, cars, yeah.

No, you can drink good as well. That's true. I can drink, and I bet he can't.

No-one can do anything as good as you, except Benny from Crossroads. He can eat hay.

And that would impress Donna.

And make him look a complete...

Name something Australian and stupid. Beans.

I think we've got ourselves a plan. No!

What? No, no, no, no! It's a good book this, innit?

No, ha-ha!

And it wouldn't have hurt her just to let me stay a week. Women can be so cruel. You can.

You're all bastards. Come on!

Not all of us. Prove it.

Freebie.

What was your name again? Kate.

From now on, you shall be known as the peanut smuggler.

And if I can't graduate, it's like the order of the world is completely wrong.

How?

Well, because I won't be anyone's boss.

I won't get a Fiat Punto. Do you think I'm making a mistake?

Oh, for God's sake!

Relationships end, blah-diddy-blah.

The best thing to do is throw out anything that reminds you of him.

Oh, everything reminds me of him.

The carpet, that's where he walked with his feet.

The curtain, that's where he hid when he was sad.

And that cushion you're sat on, you don't want to know.

Oooh!

Oh, such good times on the cushion of dirt.

I'll start in the kitchen. At least there won't be anything to do with your tawdry sex life in there.

Ha, yeah...

Er, don't touch the beetroot.

Oh, the beetroot of dirt.

Er, who moved my cheese?

Oh, no, where's my cheese?

Oh, it's there.

Oh, well, that's not working.

OK, Donna, OK, feel the fear.

No, that's not working either.

Piggy Goes Oink.

Cor blimey.

The first thing is to throw these away. The sell-by's gone.

No, no, they're Jonny's. They're sentimental.

But they're older than me.

And I thought Jonny liked biscuits. Why hasn't he eaten them?

They're antique.

God, this is too hard. Maybe we should plan some nights out.

Just the girls - young, free, single girls.

We could go clubbing. Oh, no, I don't like clubs.

They're really noisy and you can't talk or play Guess Who.

Jonny loved Guess Who.

He always fancied the one in the hat.

Reginald.

What do you want to do, then?

We could watch property shows and eat Sugar Puffs from the packet.

And then you could have wild animal sex with me even though I've been eating pickled eggs.

Janet. You have got to read this.

I know you've been feeling down lately, so... Oh, my book!

Where did you get this?

Oh, let me guess.

David gave it to me. I said let me guess!

I like guessing! What's it about?

It's a cartoon book for adults, but it works on loads of levels.

It's like a metaphor for how you should live your life. It's beautiful.

No, it's not. It's about a piggy who goes oink.

Maybe you misunderstood it, Louise.

You read it. OK.

Cor blimey. I know. Did you get the bit about the apple cart?

That was just stunning, so deep.

This has made me realise so much.

That his mate Cowy McPloughy was wrong and should stay home with Mrs Piggy.

And that all we need in this life is what we know...

and some swill. I know.

It's a piggy. He goes oink.

Jesus!

Can I hug you? No. There's something I need to do. I need to find Jonny.

He'll be at the pub. I'm gonna go straight round.

Oh, my God, I have made a terrible mistake.

I must have been... What's the phrase?

Piggery pokery piggledy pea, where is the piggy, can anyone see?

So can I walk you home? Carry your books for you? Talk to you forever and eat your Sugar Puffs?

I live pretty far away. You live pretty at any distance. No, really. It's a bit of a trek.

Nowhere would be too far. I'd follow you to Jerusalem. Or Widnes.

It's three miles.

On the other hand, the taxis round here are brilliant.

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Why did you ask me here?

Isn't it obvious? Isn't it obvious?

You really like me and want to be my friend?

Pah. Pah. I want you out of Donna's life.

You can't tell me what to do.

He can do anything. He's Mr Wilkinson.

He makes milometers go backwards with a drill. Time travel.

I've got a proposition for you... Davey, my boy.

I'm listening.

I'll buy you a beer all night.

Right.

If you can out-drink me,

you can be mates with Donna.

OK.

And if you can out-drink me, I'll stay away.

Chaser for that one, sir?

I can't see why not, my good fellow.

Capital.

I'm on Vimto.

I'm going to be bladdered.

Vimto isn't alcoholic.

Shows what Australians know about wine.

Yeah, Donna.

Yeah, it's me. Meet us in The Archer at eight.

I just want to show you how clever your little friend David is, he-he.

No, no, he-he-he...

No, I said, "He-he-he."

OK, you too. Bye.

Cheers. Cheers.

So...

are you cold?

I'm fine.

That was a sneaky way of asking if I could put my arm around you.

I'm freezing.

God, this is weird. What?

New shoulders. They've always been there.

Yeah, I know, it's just for years, my arm's only been around Janet,

and Gaz in there and a cardboard cut-out of Shrek I stole from Blockbusters.

I'm getting a bit colder, I think.

Oh... No, I mean my face is getting really chilly.

Oh.

My lips are practically Baltic.

Oh.

Here you go.

Donna!

Love! Matey!

Look at him.

See how clever he is, now?

Eh, he's just a big bag of teeth and drink and that.

What's going on? He forgot I'm Australian.

He made a bet he could out-drink me. Look at the state of him.

You forgot I'm an Australian.

And you can't see her ever again.

She's mine and I get to keep her, for keeps.

David, what did you do to him?

Oh, he did it to himself. I can't help it if he drinks like a Muslim.

Look, Donna, I think you can learn a powerful lesson from this.

Gaz is selfish and ultimately a bit of a pig.

Shall we go? I love you.

Come here, come here.

I won you with me beer.

Kisses, kisses?

Go on, gizza a snog, pretty Donna.

David, you're right. He is a pig.

He's the best type of pig of all. He's, "Piggedy pokety, piggedy boo.

"Piggy knows who he loves and he loves you."

Aw!

Munch, is that Vimto?

It's big and it's clever and it's purple like the Prime Minister.

Can't you see what's going on here? Look at him.

Yes, I can see that you didn't want to help me at all. You just wanted to shag me. Well, duhhhh.

Well, I'd much rather shag someone who was honest about it.

Someone who wasn't trying to educate me. You're worse than the PE staff at my old school.

Come on, Gaz. Let's get you home.

I still can't see what I did wrong.

That's because you're so drunk.

Stick to Vimto, kid.

It's a really mellow high.

Check me out. I'm a student.

Rather be with your arty-farty pals? I'm not arty enough. Where does that leave me? Farty?

Where did you learn to do such neat bandages? Girl Guides.

Have you still got the uniform? I do, but it might be a bit tight.

He did not dump me, I dumped him.

Don't worry, I'll save you. How? I'm moving in!