Original subtitles

He thinks I'm being unfaithful. You jumped into bed with me

quickly enough. Did you sleep with someone else? Yes or no?

I'm going home. Ah! Ah!

I've fallen out of love with Jonny recently. You still don't love him?

I know what I'm gonna do.

This programme contains adult humour

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Slag!

You big plastic bastard! Gaz!

We don't know anything yet. I saw Donna go off with an Antipodean!

What...? It's proof she's a liar, that she's gone behind my back.

It's proof I didn't teach her the bendy lady hairy butterfly trick!

I was going to ask what an Antipodean was. Slag!

Come on, then! Don't take it out on the foliage.

You're all cheaters! You, Donna, Major Charles Ingram, all of you!

We just saw... God, Janet, it's a crisis! I only hope you've stocked up on comfort food and alcohol.

No... Well, we have a Code Red. You get to the shops and get some sherry and some special biscuits.

With cheerful faces. Hold on! Janet, I need you to be a tower of strength and provider of beverages.

Run to the shops, Janet. Run! Jonny, I've left you a note.

It explains everything. Don't buy anything Australian.

..Unless it has a cheerful face!

HORN BEEPS

Where to, love? Anywhere.

Anywhere but here. I'm sick of people saying that.

Look, you're not in a frigging war film. Just give me an address, OK?

Sorry, um, is Nespar Avenue all right?

Feels weird being here again. You know, the last time you were sat on that bed...

Don't, David. What? I was going to say the last time you were there I had a different duvet cover. OK.

And that you were writhing around on it like an octopus with a spear up its arse!

Me? What about you?

I don't writhe! I glide.

Like a swan. A swan isn't what I was thinking - more duck or turtle!

You have very strong jaws.

What are you talking about? I have exquisite sexual etiquette.

Exactly! All that, "After you. No, I insist, you first. Please, it's yours, take it." So polite.

I thought you were going to open doors and pull my seat out for me!

In a way, I think I did. It was fun, though, weren't it?

Yeah. Well, you had your moments.

Never again, though. No.

Not unless it was the end of the world. Or we were trapped together in a submarine or hot-air balloon.

Or if we were both single. Well, yes.

Like now.

Ah!

I think I've let David suffer long enough. He must be devastated.

Louise...

I mean, people can't live without me once they know me. I'm like air to them. Air with drugs in them,

like they gave me when I was born.

Shall I phone him tonight or tomorrow. Did you hear me? I've just left Jonny!

Are you still going on about that. Other people have problems, too!

I just got so scared.

Everything got too fast for me so I just ran! Oh, right.

I see. So... Shall I phone David now or later?

I don't care.

Can I stay here tonight? I don't think I could be on my own.

Oh! Poor Janet.

Whenever I feel lonely I make up people in my head.

Hi, Tanya.

I left him a note. I couldn't say goodbye. It was too hard and too upsetting. That's so insensitive.

You really are absolutely disgusting, aren't you?

I just had my reasons for leaving.

It was really deep. I didn't use any swear words.

Except for "bollocks"!

Why "bollocks"? That was one of my reasons for leaving.

They were becoming aware.

What were the others? That I didn't think I loved him any more and that our relationship had run its course.

We weren't working and I hadn't felt true love cos I was too young, and instructions on heating up his tea.

So he didn't get a poorly tum-tum!

Good God, Janet! A note?! I wouldn't leave a dog a note!

Dogs can't read! Excuse me. Mutley? And Gnasher!

And Scrappy Dappy Doo! ..Though he was hardly eloquent.

Do you think I should go round?

No, not yet. I should let him think about it till the morning? Let him digest it, let it all sink in?

No, Janet. I want you to pick out some lovely new nail polish for me to wear for David.

Now...

which colour says forgiveness?

"Dear Jonny, bladdy bladdy blah...

"..Girlie, girlie, blah, bladdy, bladdy, blah...pasties..." Lovely!

Jonny! Pasties in the fridge!

Do you think they'd help? Think so.

Uh...

Chilli beef or cheese and ham? I don't mind.

Can't eat these.

The smell reminds me of Donna.

Does she smell of pasties?

God. You had the perfect woman there. No, I didn't. I had a cheat! How could she? I don't believe it!

And when you're such a smasher as well. You're too good for her.

I very much beg your pardon.

Yeah, sorry. Janet does this with her mates. Reassures them.

Does it work? Yeah, it seems to.

They always end up laughing about penises by around 11 o'clock.

They are hilarious. Especially when they're proud.

Go on, then. I'd try 'owt to stop this weird feeling.

It's like I'm going to vomit out me soul. Bleurgh!

HE HUMS

You're really quite poetic, Gaz.

What does Janet say to her mates, then? To cheer 'em up?

Um, all right.

Er, OK.

She was never any good for you, babes. You're right...

babes.

And you don't need men. This is very, very true, Jonny.

Are those new shoes? They're lush.

Can we get drunk? Yeah. My feminine side was threatening to burst into tears and forget how to drive.

I'll tell you what, I might indulge in some testicular rearrangement.

There we go. Jonny's back.

He may even belch.

You know, he is a good-looking lad that David, though, isn't he?

CLEARS THROAT I mean, he's a good-looking lad. ..That just makes it worse.

No, he isn't. What's he doing over here? There's loads of fit girls in Australia! I own the ones here.

You own them all? Can I have a couple? Yeah. You can have the ones from a double A cup to an A cup.

So children, basically. Yeah. Children and men.

Ta.

Do you reckon we should phone Louise? Yes!

A pity shag. It's a great idea.

To let her know what her boyfriend has been up to. She'll kill him.

Probably. Or "Ah" him to death!

I'd hate to be "Ah'd" to death.

Not if you were a dolphin. Pass us the phone.

You can't stay here. My mum wouldn't let you. She won't notice. She stares at the fridge all day.

She's contemplating.

MOBILE RINGS Uh! Oh! This'll be David begging for his job back!

He's your boyfriend not your employee! Yeah, yeah. Samey bamey!

..Where have you been? I hope it was shoe shopping!

Gaz! What are you doing on my mobile? Get off!

OK, fine. Just don't breathe down the handset.

Just listen, bimboid. I've just seen our partners together.

Donna and your fella!

Don't say his name.

It gives me a pain in me tummy. Tum-tum.

Get round here and sort this mess out. 'Why?' Why? My brain's full of frogs and I can't think straight.

'Ah!' Stop "Ahing" at me!

He did what?

Is Jonny OK? Shh! ..No, not you. I was just hushing Janet.

No, hushing her.

Don't be so disgusting.

Oh, my God. Where are they?

Oh, God, that's horrible.

Poor Louise. Ask him about Jonny.

I'll be right there.

No, I can't bring fig rolls.

Because I don't know what they are.

Louise, Jonny!

Oh, and, Gaz, Janet wants to know how Jonny is?

Uh, uh, OK, ciao!

Well? This is not looking good.

What's happened? Has Jonny had a breakdown?

Has he gone on a mad rampage? Is he crying? Hurting himself? Doing this?

No!

David, my one and only true love has vanished into the night with bloody Donna!

Huh! Why does everything happen to me?

Weeze, what about Jonny? He says thanks for the pasties.

It would be stupid, David. You can't blame a guy for trying.

Especially as you're wearing that fetching come-to-bed cardigan.

You're forget Louise and Gaz. I wouldn't cheat on Gaz.

Louise doesn't want a boyfriend, but a mannequin she can dress up.

Mannequins don't have genitals.

It took me a long time to get over that as a child. I thought I was made all wrong.

Do you think a hand job is cheating? It's like shaking hands with someone only very quickly.

Bloody students! Listen to yourself! You got the world at your feet and all you can think about is sex.

Well, don't you? I don't have the world at my feet. I have chewing gum at my feet and dog chod.

Why didn't you go to uni? What?

You never thought about leaving the bucket factory and bettering yourself? Excuse me!

Just cos you can waste three years learning to stay awake eight nights running, doesn't mean we all can.

You're right. I'm sorry. The answer is Pro Plus and not masturbating.

Some people like working in the bucket factory.

It was insensitive of me.

Some people aren't built for parties and intellectual conversations

and discovering themselves. Some people like their rut. Of course. Please take me with you. What?

I want to go to university. I want to protest about things that I don't care about

and hold a placard in the rain.

And I want to eat nothing but noodles and ketchup

and have hair with bits in and meet people called Suzie and Mink.

You want to be a student? I'm good at learning things. I've memorised the back of my shampoo bottle.

This product contains weeds. Do not ingest.

That's very good. What else can you do when you're having a shit?

Why don't you go for it? Do you really think I could do it? Absolutely.

You can start right now by giving your first student handshake.

I think we should go to the chippy.

What did I do to deserve this? Usually it's the man's fault.

I didn't do anything. You accused her of giving you warts! I couldn't help that.

If you found something strange on you, what'd you think? That I was breeding one of my many colonies.

I'm no good at this. I can't do it.

I'm not taking the blame for this.

If you want her back, you have to take the blame for everything.

Say if it's raining.

Yeah? Your fault.

Why? It's a tricky one, but I'd say it was your fault because...

because the clouds are too full.

I can't be to blame for that. You can. It's been sunny and the weather was promising to be fine.

That's just nature. It's not my fault. It wasn't nature when you were drunk and vomited on my aunt!

That's how it works.

This relationship stuff! I can't do it! You need to learn to talk.

To communicate. You need to utilise the awesome power of, "Yes, dear."

What am I supposed to do now?

I've invested loads in Donna and it's like, "Ding Dong! The witch is dead." "Ferry across the Mersey!"

"Na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!"

That's amazing! You've just listed all my favourite songs.

Eh! Gaz! I've brought Chianti. Let's do dialogue.

Is she coming on to me? No, I'm not. We have a crisis on our hands!

My lovely boyfriend and your Donna-cidal maniac!

Ooh! I've shared bodily fluids with you by proxy.

This is all your fault, Gaz.

Yes, dear.

You're good. Here, boy.

I told you girls were better at that sort of thing.

Hiya, love. Did you get me cheerful biscuits? Jonny...

Blah... How are you? Er, blah. I'm good.

I just needed a few bits, like my hairdryer

and dressing gown and that. I'm staying with Louise.

That's OK. Girls need each other at times like these. Yeah, we do.

I don't know, eh? Relationships come and relationships go.

I think we all knew this one was going nowhere, though, eh?

Whoa!

I'll just get my hairdryer.

It's going to be a toughie. HE WHISTLES

Yeah, Jonny. You know it is.

How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

A bit shaken up, you know?

That's a bit over-sensitive.

I don't think so.

I mean, I'm sorry.

It's not exactly your fault. You couldn't know this would happen. I didn't see it coming.

Breaking up... God, I can hardly talk about it.

Come on. It's bad getting dumped and all that, but it's hardly the end of the world, is it?

Thanks a lot. No probs. I'll pack your stuff. The sooner we go, the sooner we'll get on with our lives.

Which old witch?

Right, Janet? We've got a plan.

Hold on while Jonny gets my stuff.

Janet, Louise has told me her plan. You know I don't keep things people say in my head for very long.

Stay for five minutes. ..See? Gone! Come on, you.

Wait! I'm really worried about Jonny. He's taken this too well. He's not in the least bit upset.

Why should he be upset? It's me you should worry about. He doesn't give a fig roll. Here you go.

Thanks.

Jonny, don't you think we should talk? Er, no. Tatty-bye, then.

Usually when you do that there's money in it. Are you OK for money?

Never.

Here. I'm sorry it's not more.

Weirdo.

Just stick to the plan.

What plan? Oh!

I'll write it down for you.

Don! Thank God you're here!

Hey! I'm going to college. What?

But I have a problem! You can't have exciting things when I have a problem! Listen, I'm going to study,

and David's going to help me. I'm thinking of doing psychology or English or both. Psychlish!

Or... Engology!

And I can still keep my job... JANET STARTS SOBBING

Janet, are those tears of joy? Cos you're spraying. It's unpleasant.

I've left him. You've left Jonny? That's terrible.

I know. It's horrible.

Why do girls always cry when they dump you? Because it's sad, OK?

And he doesn't even care. Yeah, and neither do we.

David!

There they are! Remember what we talked about and stick to the plan.

Louise, you know as well as me that I don't keep things people say in my head for very long!

Follow me. We're going out with each other because their evil dalliance drove us into each other's arms.

Then they'll get jealous and beg us to come back and buy us new dresses!

OK. Wait, wait, wait. It's gone.

Look, here's Louise. Come on, then, Crocodile Dundee.

Gaz! Gaz!

Gaz!

Oh! Hi, Janet.

You look puffy. Whatever's the matter? You know what's the matter - I've left Jonny!

Good Jesus! Are you still banging on about that?

Get over yourself! Ciao!

Gaz!

Are you OK? I've left my boyfriend. And nobody's giving me sympathy. Can you believe that?

Oh! Tell you what, when I feel down I have a triple Bailey's and a bag of pork scratchings.

I'm Kate. Oh! Your breath stinks!

I was feeling down.

David!

David!

Oh, God! Did he throw you?

No.

Actually, by the time we got out here, he'd forgotten who I was, so he just put me on the kerb.

Anyway, Gaz is my boyfriend now.

No, he's not. That's a transparent attempt to make me jealous cos you want me to go out with you.

How did you know that? Let me see!

Maybe it was the fact you kept saying, "The plan, Gaz. The plan."

It made it hard to believe.

But, David, we're meant to be together. I'll be everything you want me to be.

Please! Please!

OK, OK. Fine.

We can see each other again.

But on my terms.

One last chance, OK? Absolutely. Easy peasy.

Thank you, David. Thank you!

Oh! Now I can dump you properly!

What? You're dumped! You're dumped, you're dumped, you're dumped!

I dumped you! You don't want to go out with me? Oh, God, no!

You were getting a little bit irritating. I just couldn't stand thinking you'd dumped me. Ciao!

Hang on a second. I said, "Ciao!"

That has got to be the shortest relationship I have ever had.

..Except for when Daria turned out to be a man.

We have to talk. SHE SOBS

What's the matter with her? Argument with Jonny.

It's not an argument. I have left him. It's a bloody life-changing momentous decision, OK?

You two were always having arguments. You'll work it out.

That's to go to the pub or to stand in the backyard for a bit. This is it. I've left the house! Gone!

Jesus! You could have told him about it.

I did. I left him a note.

The one about the pasties?

Yeah.

I read that. It weren't very clear, though. Why not?

It took me ages to summon up the right words, emotions and meanings.

It said, "Dear Jonny, this has got nothing to do with you..."

And?

Well, I skipped the rest.

If it had nothing to do with him, it certainly wasn't my business.

You did show it to him?

No.

Ip dip doo, doggy did a poo. Who stepped in it? It was you.

Pick a number. ..Three. Cheeky.

One, two, three.

"Bollocks becoming aware."

"Dear Jonny..." That's me.

You didn't cheat, but it doesn't mean you can hang round with him. I have to, Gaz. Oh, OK.

Next time I'll carry him further, time after that even further away.

He's going to help me get into uni. No way! You'll start wearing thick glasses and dressing badly.

I don't like sensible Donna. I like slutty Donna.

Bring back slutty Donna. You don't have much to say after your behaviour. You should trust me.

Yeah, all right.

I'll let you go to university. Just come back home.

I don't need your permission.

OK. I'll support you if you got to university. Will you?

Yeah. Because...you need respect.

And I should value you as an individual as well as a woman.

That's really good, Gaz. Where did you get that from? Trisha.

I also found out I was an over-eating necrophiliac.

And I won't laugh at you much. Not even when you fail.

How do you know I'll fail? Cos you will.

So how's about it then? Fancy a bit? Well...

I have spent a long evening with a dirty Aussie.

Warmed you up for me, did he? Shall I just slide you home?

Yeah, go on, then. Wait, wait, wait.

You won't be thinking about him? Will you be thinking about Carol Vorderman? It helps concentration.

Delays ejaculation when Richard Whitely appears.

SHE IMITATES THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK Oh, yeah.

Anyway, I just fancy a cup of tea now. Well, come on, then.

Oh, ya!

What we doing again? Going home, Gaz. OK.

Jonny.

Where is it, David? What? The cleaning lady took my stash.

I'm not looking for your stash. The cleaning lady took my virginity.

David gave it to me. Him again?

Yes. Him again. He's gonna help me. He's trouble.

I'll have to live here on my own. You'll have to move out.

What am I gonna do? I've got no girlfriend, no job, no home.