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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,080
He thinks I'm being unfaithful.
You jumped into bed with me
2
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,200
quickly enough. Did you sleep
with someone else? Yes or no?
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,480
I'm going home. Ah! Ah!
4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,800
I've fallen out of love with Jonny
recently. You still don't love him?
5
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,400
I know what I'm gonna do.
6
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,600
This programme contains adult humour
7
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,880
with bubbles in it
8
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:37,800
handle anything stronger now
9
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:05,680
Slag!
10
00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,600
You big plastic bastard! Gaz!
11
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:14,120
We don't know anything yet. I saw
Donna go off with an Antipodean!
12
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:18,480
What...? It's proof she's a liar,
that she's gone behind my back.
13
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:22,880
It's proof I didn't teach her the
bendy lady hairy butterfly trick!
14
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,040
I was going to ask
what an Antipodean was. Slag!
15
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,560
Come on, then!
Don't take it out on the foliage.
16
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:34,600
You're all cheaters! You, Donna,
Major Charles Ingram, all of you!
17
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:39,920
We just saw... God, Janet, it's a
crisis! I only hope you've stocked
up on comfort food and alcohol.
18
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:45,400
No... Well, we have a Code Red.
You get to the shops and get some
sherry and some special biscuits.
19
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:52,120
With cheerful faces. Hold on!
Janet, I need you to be a tower of
strength and provider of beverages.
20
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:57,240
Run to the shops, Janet. Run!
Jonny, I've left you a note.
21
00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,920
It explains everything.
Don't buy anything Australian.
22
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,880
..Unless it has a cheerful face!
23
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,920
HORN BEEPS
24
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,400
Where to, love? Anywhere.
25
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,960
Anywhere but here.
I'm sick of people saying that.
26
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:26,200
Look, you're not in a frigging war
film. Just give me an address, OK?
27
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,680
Sorry, um, is Nespar Avenue
all right?
28
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:43,520
Feels weird being here again.
You know, the last time
you were sat on that bed...
29
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:49,360
Don't, David. What? I was going to
say the last time you were there
I had a different duvet cover. OK.
30
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:55,600
And that you were writhing
around on it like an octopus
with a spear up its arse!
31
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,760
Me? What about you?
32
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,680
I don't writhe! I glide.
33
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:07,280
Like a swan. A swan isn't what I was
thinking - more duck or turtle!
34
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,760
You have very strong jaws.
35
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,040
What are you talking about? I have
exquisite sexual etiquette.
36
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:20,680
Exactly! All that, "After you.
No, I insist, you first. Please,
it's yours, take it." So polite.
37
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,200
I thought you were going to open
doors and pull my seat out for me!
38
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:28,400
In a way, I think I did.
It was fun, though, weren't it?
39
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,400
Yeah. Well, you had your moments.
40
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,520
Never again, though. No.
41
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:40,160
Not unless it was the end of the
world. Or we were trapped together
in a submarine or hot-air balloon.
42
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:44,000
Or if we were both single.
Well, yes.
43
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,760
Like now.
44
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,120
Ah!
45
00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:02,200
I think I've let David suffer long
enough. He must be devastated.
46
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,240
Louise...
47
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:09,600
I mean, people can't live without
me once they know me. I'm like air
to them. Air with drugs in them,
48
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,880
like they gave me when I was born.
49
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:18,440
Shall I phone him tonight
or tomorrow. Did you hear me?
I've just left Jonny!
50
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,720
Are you still going on about that.
Other people have problems, too!
51
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:26,000
I just got so scared.
52
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,480
Everything got too fast for me
so I just ran! Oh, right.
53
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:34,640
I see. So...
Shall I phone David now or later?
54
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,720
I don't care.
55
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,440
Can I stay here tonight?
I don't think I could be on my own.
56
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,560
Oh! Poor Janet.
57
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,240
Whenever I feel lonely
I make up people in my head.
58
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,040
Hi, Tanya.
59
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:58,440
I left him a note. I couldn't say
goodbye. It was too hard and too
upsetting. That's so insensitive.
60
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,600
You really are absolutely
disgusting, aren't you?
61
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,960
I just had my reasons for leaving.
62
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,640
It was really deep.
I didn't use any swear words.
63
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,040
Except for "bollocks"!
64
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,080
Why "bollocks"? That was one
of my reasons for leaving.
65
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,280
They were becoming aware.
66
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:25,280
What were the others? That I didn't
think I loved him any more and that
our relationship had run its course.
67
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:33,080
We weren't working and I hadn't felt
true love cos I was too young, and
instructions on heating up his tea.
68
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,560
So he didn't get a poorly tum-tum!
69
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,880
Good God, Janet! A note?!
I wouldn't leave a dog a note!
70
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:45,880
Dogs can't read! Excuse me.
Mutley? And Gnasher!
71
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:51,200
And Scrappy Dappy Doo!
..Though he was hardly eloquent.
72
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,640
Do you think I should go round?
73
00:05:53,640 --> 00:06:00,200
No, not yet. I should let him think
about it till the morning? Let him
digest it, let it all sink in?
74
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:06,480
No, Janet. I want you to pick out
some lovely new nail polish
for me to wear for David.
75
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,200
Now...
76
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,560
which colour says forgiveness?
77
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,280
"Dear Jonny, bladdy bladdy blah...
78
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:32,240
"..Girlie, girlie, blah, bladdy,
bladdy, blah...pasties..." Lovely!
79
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,360
Jonny! Pasties in the fridge!
80
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,920
Do you think they'd help? Think so.
81
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,040
Uh...
82
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:46,560
Chilli beef or cheese and ham?
I don't mind.
83
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,040
Can't eat these.
84
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,360
The smell reminds me of Donna.
85
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,040
Does she smell of pasties?
86
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:06,120
God. You had the perfect woman
there. No, I didn't. I had a cheat!
How could she? I don't believe it!
87
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:10,600
And when you're such a smasher
as well. You're too good for her.
88
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,400
I very much beg your pardon.
89
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:18,520
Yeah, sorry. Janet does this
with her mates. Reassures them.
90
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,280
Does it work? Yeah, it seems to.
91
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,120
They always end up laughing about
penises by around 11 o'clock.
92
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,720
They are hilarious.
Especially when they're proud.
93
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:33,360
Go on, then. I'd try 'owt
to stop this weird feeling.
94
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,440
It's like I'm going to vomit out
me soul. Bleurgh!
95
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,720
HE HUMS
96
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,000
You're really quite poetic, Gaz.
97
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,400
What does Janet say to her mates,
then? To cheer 'em up?
98
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,040
Um, all right.
99
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,640
Er, OK.
100
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:04,360
She was never any good for you,
babes. You're right...
101
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,600
babes.
102
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,000
And you don't need men.
This is very, very true, Jonny.
103
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,840
Are those new shoes? They're lush.
104
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:24,560
Can we get drunk? Yeah. My feminine
side was threatening to burst into
tears and forget how to drive.
105
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,440
I'll tell you what, I might indulge
in some testicular rearrangement.
106
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,720
There we go. Jonny's back.
107
00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:37,320
He may even belch.
108
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:42,000
You know, he is a good-looking lad
that David, though, isn't he?
109
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:50,760
CLEARS THROAT
I mean, he's a good-looking lad.
..That just makes it worse.
110
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:55,880
No, he isn't. What's he doing over
here? There's loads of fit girls in
Australia! I own the ones here.
111
00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:02,160
You own them all? Can I have a
couple? Yeah. You can have the ones
from a double A cup to an A cup.
112
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:06,280
So children, basically.
Yeah. Children and men.
113
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:09,880
Ta.
114
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:13,560
Do you reckon
we should phone Louise? Yes!
115
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,720
A pity shag. It's a great idea.
116
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,400
To let her know what her boyfriend
has been up to. She'll kill him.
117
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,440
Probably. Or "Ah" him to death!
118
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,840
I'd hate to be "Ah'd" to death.
119
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:35,880
Not if you were a dolphin.
Pass us the phone.
120
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:46,360
You can't stay here. My mum
wouldn't let you. She won't notice.
She stares at the fridge all day.
121
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,080
She's contemplating.
122
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:55,320
MOBILE RINGS
Uh! Oh! This'll be David begging
for his job back!
123
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:59,200
He's your boyfriend not your
employee! Yeah, yeah. Samey bamey!
124
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:03,280
..Where have you been?
I hope it was shoe shopping!
125
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,880
Gaz! What are you doing
on my mobile? Get off!
126
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:11,280
OK, fine. Just don't
breathe down the handset.
127
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:15,600
Just listen, bimboid. I've
just seen our partners together.
128
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,000
Donna and your fella!
129
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,160
Don't say his name.
130
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,160
It gives me a pain in me tummy.
Tum-tum.
131
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:31,280
Get round here and sort this mess
out. 'Why?' Why? My brain's full of
frogs and I can't think straight.
132
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:35,080
'Ah!' Stop "Ahing" at me!
133
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,680
He did what?
134
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:42,000
Is Jonny OK? Shh! ..No, not you.
I was just hushing Janet.
135
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,520
No, hushing her.
136
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,880
Don't be so disgusting.
137
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,480
Oh, my God. Where are they?
138
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,520
Oh, God, that's horrible.
139
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:56,560
Poor Louise. Ask him about Jonny.
140
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,640
I'll be right there.
141
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,360
No, I can't bring fig rolls.
142
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,080
Because I don't know what they are.
143
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,920
Louise, Jonny!
144
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:10,520
Oh, and, Gaz,
Janet wants to know how Jonny is?
145
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:13,480
Uh, uh, OK, ciao!
146
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:22,280
Well? This is not looking good.
147
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,360
What's happened?
Has Jonny had a breakdown?
148
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,400
Has he gone on a mad rampage? Is he
crying? Hurting himself? Doing this?
149
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,680
No!
150
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:38,200
David, my one and only true love
has vanished into the night
with bloody Donna!
151
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,440
Huh! Why does everything happen
to me?
152
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:47,480
Weeze, what about Jonny?
He says thanks for the pasties.
153
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:55,360
It would be stupid, David.
You can't blame a guy for trying.
154
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,920
Especially as you're wearing that
fetching come-to-bed cardigan.
155
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,480
You're forget Louise and Gaz.
I wouldn't cheat on Gaz.
156
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:08,200
Louise doesn't want a boyfriend,
but a mannequin she can dress up.
157
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,840
Mannequins don't have genitals.
158
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:16,160
It took me a long time
to get over that as a child.
I thought I was made all wrong.
159
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:24,000
Do you think a hand job is
cheating? It's like shaking hands
with someone only very quickly.
160
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:31,480
Bloody students! Listen to yourself!
You got the world at your feet
and all you can think about is sex.
161
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:36,920
Well, don't you? I don't have
the world at my feet. I have chewing
gum at my feet and dog chod.
162
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,600
Why didn't you go to uni? What?
163
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:48,480
You never thought about leaving
the bucket factory and bettering
yourself? Excuse me!
164
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:54,400
Just cos you can waste three years
learning to stay awake eight nights
running, doesn't mean we all can.
165
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:59,640
You're right. I'm sorry. The answer
is Pro Plus and not masturbating.
166
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,160
Some people like working
in the bucket factory.
167
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:05,840
It was insensitive of me.
168
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:10,680
Some people aren't built for parties
and intellectual conversations
169
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:16,080
and discovering themselves. Some
people like their rut. Of course.
Please take me with you. What?
170
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:22,440
I want to go to university.
I want to protest about things
that I don't care about
171
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,560
and hold a placard in the rain.
172
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,320
And I want to eat nothing
but noodles and ketchup
173
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:33,160
and have hair with bits in and meet
people called Suzie and Mink.
174
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:38,400
You want to be a student? I'm good
at learning things. I've memorised
the back of my shampoo bottle.
175
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,800
This product contains weeds.
Do not ingest.
176
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:46,960
That's very good. What else can
you do when you're having a shit?
177
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:55,400
Why don't you go for it?
Do you really think I could do it?
Absolutely.
178
00:13:55,400 --> 00:14:00,360
You can start right now by giving
your first student handshake.
179
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,720
I think we should go to the chippy.
180
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,880
What did I do to deserve this?
Usually it's the man's fault.
181
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:35,400
I didn't do anything. You accused
her of giving you warts!
I couldn't help that.
182
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:40,640
If you found something strange on
you, what'd you think? That I was
breeding one of my many colonies.
183
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,840
I'm no good at this. I can't do it.
184
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,000
I'm not taking the blame for this.
185
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:51,040
If you want her back, you have
to take the blame for everything.
186
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,680
Say if it's raining.
187
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,080
Yeah? Your fault.
188
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:01,120
Why? It's a tricky one, but I'd say
it was your fault because...
189
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,440
because the clouds are too full.
190
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:10,400
I can't be to blame for that.
You can. It's been sunny and the
weather was promising to be fine.
191
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:17,080
That's just nature. It's not my
fault. It wasn't nature when you
were drunk and vomited on my aunt!
192
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,440
That's how it works.
193
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:28,280
This relationship stuff! I can't
do it! You need to learn to talk.
194
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:34,240
To communicate. You need to utilise
the awesome power of, "Yes, dear."
195
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,880
What am I supposed to do now?
196
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:44,480
I've invested loads in Donna and
it's like, "Ding Dong! The witch is
dead." "Ferry across the Mersey!"
197
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,520
"Na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!"
198
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:50,280
That's amazing! You've just listed
all my favourite songs.
199
00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,400
Eh! Gaz! I've brought Chianti.
Let's do dialogue.
200
00:15:55,400 --> 00:16:01,240
Is she coming on to me? No, I'm
not. We have a crisis on our hands!
201
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,800
My lovely boyfriend
and your Donna-cidal maniac!
202
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,920
Ooh! I've shared bodily fluids
with you by proxy.
203
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,880
This is all your fault, Gaz.
204
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,520
Yes, dear.
205
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,280
You're good. Here, boy.
206
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,880
I told you girls were better
at that sort of thing.
207
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:29,440
Hiya, love. Did you get me
cheerful biscuits? Jonny...
208
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:35,080
Blah... How are you?
Er, blah. I'm good.
209
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,640
I just needed a few bits,
like my hairdryer
210
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:42,720
and dressing gown and that.
I'm staying with Louise.
211
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:47,440
That's OK. Girls need each other
at times like these. Yeah, we do.
212
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:51,600
I don't know, eh? Relationships
come and relationships go.
213
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:55,640
I think we all knew this one
was going nowhere, though, eh?
214
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,880
Whoa!
215
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,080
I'll just get my hairdryer.
216
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,960
It's going to be a toughie.
HE WHISTLES
217
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,920
Yeah, Jonny. You know it is.
218
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,320
How are you?
219
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,480
I'm fine. How are you?
220
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,120
A bit shaken up, you know?
221
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,240
That's a bit over-sensitive.
222
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,640
I don't think so.
223
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,920
I mean, I'm sorry.
224
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:27,280
It's not exactly your fault. You
couldn't know this would happen.
I didn't see it coming.
225
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,400
Breaking up...
God, I can hardly talk about it.
226
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:35,800
Come on. It's bad getting dumped
and all that, but it's hardly
the end of the world, is it?
227
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:43,760
Thanks a lot. No probs. I'll pack
your stuff. The sooner we go, the
sooner we'll get on with our lives.
228
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:51,440
Which old witch?
229
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,800
Right, Janet? We've got a plan.
230
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,640
Hold on while Jonny gets my stuff.
231
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:02,560
Janet, Louise has told me her plan.
You know I don't keep things people
say in my head for very long.
232
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:07,760
Stay for five minutes.
..See? Gone! Come on, you.
233
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:14,920
Wait! I'm really worried about
Jonny. He's taken this too well.
He's not in the least bit upset.
234
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:20,480
Why should he be upset? It's me you
should worry about. He doesn't give
a fig roll. Here you go.
235
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,480
Thanks.
236
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,960
Jonny, don't you think we should
talk? Er, no. Tatty-bye, then.
237
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:37,160
Usually when you do that there's
money in it. Are you OK for money?
238
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,080
Never.
239
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,280
Here. I'm sorry it's not more.
240
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,000
Weirdo.
241
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,280
Just stick to the plan.
242
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,000
What plan? Oh!
243
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,280
I'll write it down for you.
244
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:06,960
Don! Thank God you're here!
245
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,040
Hey! I'm going to college. What?
246
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:16,280
But I have a problem! You can't have
exciting things when I have a
problem! Listen, I'm going to study,
247
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:21,800
and David's going to help me.
I'm thinking of doing psychology
or English or both. Psychlish!
248
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:26,120
Or... Engology!
249
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:31,200
And I can still keep my job...
JANET STARTS SOBBING
250
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:42,120
Janet, are those tears of joy? Cos
you're spraying. It's unpleasant.
251
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:46,360
I've left him. You've left Jonny?
That's terrible.
252
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,600
I know. It's horrible.
253
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:55,200
Why do girls always cry when they
dump you? Because it's sad, OK?
254
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,880
And he doesn't even care.
Yeah, and neither do we.
255
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:02,880
David!
256
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:08,160
There they are! Remember what we
talked about and stick to the plan.
257
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:15,240
Louise, you know as well as me
that I don't keep things people say
in my head for very long!
258
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:23,520
Follow me. We're going out with each
other because their evil dalliance
drove us into each other's arms.
259
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:27,880
Then they'll get jealous and beg us
to come back and buy us new dresses!
260
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,160
OK. Wait, wait, wait. It's gone.
261
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:35,160
Look, here's Louise.
Come on, then, Crocodile Dundee.
262
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,480
Gaz! Gaz!
263
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,040
Gaz!
264
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,080
Oh! Hi, Janet.
265
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:50,320
You look puffy. Whatever's
the matter? You know what's
the matter - I've left Jonny!
266
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,960
Good Jesus! Are you still
banging on about that?
267
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,720
Get over yourself! Ciao!
268
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,520
Gaz!
269
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:15,600
Are you OK? I've left my boyfriend.
And nobody's giving me sympathy.
Can you believe that?
270
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:21,800
Oh! Tell you what, when I feel down
I have a triple Bailey's
and a bag of pork scratchings.
271
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:25,520
I'm Kate. Oh! Your breath stinks!
272
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,760
I was feeling down.
273
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:32,600
David!
274
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,160
David!
275
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,760
Oh, God! Did he throw you?
276
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,320
No.
277
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:46,960
Actually, by the time we got out
here, he'd forgotten who I was,
so he just put me on the kerb.
278
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,240
Anyway, Gaz is my boyfriend now.
279
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:56,280
No, he's not. That's a transparent
attempt to make me jealous
cos you want me to go out with you.
280
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,640
How did you know that? Let me see!
281
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:04,240
Maybe it was the fact you kept
saying, "The plan, Gaz. The plan."
282
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,800
It made it hard to believe.
283
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:12,360
But, David, we're meant to be
together. I'll be everything
you want me to be.
284
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:15,200
Please! Please!
285
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,000
OK, OK. Fine.
286
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,120
We can see each other again.
287
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,160
But on my terms.
288
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:25,600
One last chance, OK? Absolutely.
Easy peasy.
289
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,200
Thank you, David. Thank you!
290
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:32,000
Oh! Now I can dump you properly!
291
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,200
What? You're dumped! You're dumped,
you're dumped, you're dumped!
292
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,600
I dumped you! You don't want
to go out with me? Oh, God, no!
293
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,640
You were getting a little bit
irritating. I just couldn't stand
thinking you'd dumped me. Ciao!
294
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,480
Hang on a second. I said, "Ciao!"
295
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:53,400
That has got to be the shortest
relationship I have ever had.
296
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:58,200
..Except for when Daria turned out
to be a man.
297
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,880
We have to talk.
SHE SOBS
298
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:11,840
What's the matter with her?
Argument with Jonny.
299
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:17,800
It's not an argument. I have left
him. It's a bloody life-changing
momentous decision, OK?
300
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,800
You two were always having
arguments. You'll work it out.
301
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:29,080
That's to go to the pub or to stand
in the backyard for a bit. This is
it. I've left the house! Gone!
302
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:32,720
Jesus! You could have told him
about it.
303
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,400
I did. I left him a note.
304
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,800
The one about the pasties?
305
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,200
Yeah.
306
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:48,240
I read that. It weren't very clear,
though. Why not?
307
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:53,360
It took me ages to summon up the
right words, emotions and meanings.
308
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:58,000
It said, "Dear Jonny, this has got
nothing to do with you..."
309
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:02,920
And?
310
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:05,640
Well, I skipped the rest.
311
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,320
If it had nothing to do with him,
it certainly wasn't my business.
312
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,960
You did show it to him?
313
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,080
No.
314
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:25,160
Ip dip doo, doggy did a poo.
Who stepped in it? It was you.
315
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:31,200
Pick a number. ..Three. Cheeky.
316
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,280
One, two, three.
317
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,160
"Bollocks becoming aware."
318
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,640
"Dear Jonny..." That's me.
319
00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:01,840
You didn't cheat, but it doesn't
mean you can hang round with him.
I have to, Gaz. Oh, OK.
320
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,600
Next time I'll carry him further,
time after that even further away.
321
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:12,600
He's going to help me get into uni.
No way! You'll start wearing
thick glasses and dressing badly.
322
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,640
I don't like sensible Donna.
I like slutty Donna.
323
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:25,880
Bring back slutty Donna. You don't
have much to say after your
behaviour. You should trust me.
324
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,320
Yeah, all right.
325
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,840
I'll let you go to university.
Just come back home.
326
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:34,040
I don't need your permission.
327
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:38,920
OK. I'll support you
if you got to university. Will you?
328
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:43,520
Yeah. Because...you need respect.
329
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:48,400
And I should value you as
an individual as well as a woman.
330
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:53,320
That's really good, Gaz.
Where did you get that from? Trisha.
331
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:59,400
I also found out I was
an over-eating necrophiliac.
332
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:03,680
And I won't laugh at you much.
Not even when you fail.
333
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,920
How do you know I'll fail?
Cos you will.
334
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,800
So how's about it then?
Fancy a bit? Well...
335
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,240
I have spent a long evening
with a dirty Aussie.
336
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:19,840
Warmed you up for me, did he?
Shall I just slide you home?
337
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,080
Yeah, go on, then. Wait, wait, wait.
338
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:28,680
You won't be thinking about him?
Will you be thinking about Carol
Vorderman? It helps concentration.
339
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,080
Delays ejaculation
when Richard Whitely appears.
340
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:38,400
SHE IMITATES THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK
Oh, yeah.
341
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,520
Anyway, I just fancy a cup of tea
now. Well, come on, then.
342
00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:46,280
Oh, ya!
343
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,040
What we doing again?
Going home, Gaz. OK.
344
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,760
Jonny.
345
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:40,000
Where is it, David? What?
The cleaning lady took my stash.
346
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:45,480
I'm not looking for your stash. The
cleaning lady took my virginity.
347
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,080
David gave it to me. Him again?
348
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,640
Yes. Him again. He's gonna help me.
He's trouble.
349
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:55,240
I'll have to live here on my own.
You'll have to move out.
350
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,000
What am I gonna do? I've got
no girlfriend, no job, no home.
31067
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