Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

Tonight he enters the passage de passion!

That dress is just womanliness gone mad!

You didn't do this for me, did you, Mr Wilkinson?

Course not! You're me brother!

Why won't you have sex with me?

I would've done if it wasn't for the friction burns on my cock!

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

What are you writing?

I'm writing things I like about carpets.

So far I've got, "They're nice."

Why - what are you doing? Listing the things we need when we get married. What like - confetti?

Cigars? Weeping aunties? Weeping aunties? Well, yeah...

like crying-weeping, not leprosy-weeping.

I'm not listing things for the day.

I'm writing the things people buy us for joining in holy bla-bla-bla. Isn't that greedy?

No! Do you want to end up with five toasters?

Maybe! I might want to have a toast party one day.

No, you won't! Not after the last one!

This way, we don't get duplicate presents.

What's on this list, then?

I looked round the house to see what we're short of. Oh!

Are we getting a monkey? What?

We've sort of picked up everything over the years, including scurvy.

Everyone does it! What's on this list, then? Have a look.

A computer?! Why do you need that?

I dunno. I like pressing buttons. And things that go brrr-beep-brrr!

Yeah, me too! What do you need a bread-maker for?

Well, because I like things that go beep-beep-boo!

A different kettle of fish! We're having a list! It's all expensive!

I think you'll find it's not!

Not everything, but where will people find a Hear'Say album?

You off on the pull tonight?

Are you? Where'd you do?

You know, over here, over there...

Widnes, Liverpool, what? Mostly walk round the streets.

Where do you meet women, then? Me mum brings scrags round.

Women don't like being called scrags. These ones do!

Have you got a girlfriend?

Kind of... Kind of?

A girl with sick on her lets me touch her on Fridays.

Police are moving her on now.

You've got to put yourself out there!

Tried that as well. Police moved me on!

After work, have a shower, put a shirt on. I'll show you how it's done.

Gaz! What?

I know how to put a shirt on!

Will you get me the Tupperware?

It seems a cheapo thing for one of your best mates. Don't worry about that.

You're a student. You need your money for caffeine pills and other toss!

Not for much longer. I've got a work placement shadowing a social worker.

Watch out, Miss Fitz! I'm coming.

Is that a social work motto? Hello!

I brought you beer! Aren't I wonderful? Truly!

Doing my wedding list. A list? You haven't set a date!

Date doesn't matter! Presents are the thing. That's why I have six birthdays.

Well, there's a lot of...

It's a bit...

A coffin?

Bagsy the Tupperware! Yeah, right! For me one and only wedding day!

Yeah... So what have you got me signed up for?

How much do you pay in rent a week? £30.

I get a discount if I don't wash or move or throw things. How much do you get paid? £150 take-home.

Start saving now - you'll have enough for a freezer.

Yea, but I need to live as well.

Donna! Don't be so mean!

What are you getting her? Tupperware. But I'm poor!

I'm really poor! Sometimes I have to steal from children in need -

not the charity!

And I'm going out

What should Donna get us for the wedding? I dunno! Nothing!

I can't get you nothing. OK... A Scandinavian.

I was thinking more bed linen or a fiver.

Great! Could we have the fiver now? There's a Mars Bar we fancy

You and Gaz can go in together on your present.

That's true. No. Gaz is getting us a tyre to put towards a car.

Fine! I'll budget!

I'll budget like those Ethiopians!

Right, I'm off! Me too. Got some begging I need to catch up on!

Donna earns £150 a week! I know! She's so mean!

I know! If she didn't go around buying us beer and handing out fags, she wouldn't have to scrimp!

Yeah! And she's always sponsoring Africans, puppies and fat kids!

Should I go after her?

No, you stay here! I've got some case-study pictures of abuse and neglect from the '70s!

You should see the clothes!

Hiya!

I said wear a shirt. I am wearing a shirt!

You'll never meet women if you're half man half shell suit!

Though Mel C did all right...

Maybe I like men.

I caught you with that picture of Jamie Oliver. We had a talk.

Disgust, not lust!

Shall I try it, then?

See them women over there?

Do they like me?

There's only one way to find out. OK.

Oi! Women!

Girls don't like being shouted at! Be subtle.

Like bending me leg round me head?

Not supple - subtle!

Say you wanted this amazing pie, right.

You holding back pies?! No...

You're after this pie, but the pie's, like, in a cage.

Why? What did the pie do wrong? Nothing. Just listen.

Reach in very gently...

so as not to disturb the laser beams or snakes protecting it.

What kind of pie is this? It's not important.

Remember to treat chatting up women as you would like stealing a pie.

Oh, OK...

Oi, women! Are you not listening?

You're thicker than me! It's complicated, though!

Not if you relax a bit.

Just try smiling at them.

OK.

Not like that!

You smile from a distance.

If they smile back, ask them if they want a drink, what their name is...

If their name's John, walk away!

What if they want a drink? Buy 'em one.

But what if they want my drink? I couldn't handle that!

Practise on her. Looks desperate.

She looks like she went to school. I don't like the brainy ones.

It's only practice. OK.

Do you want to see me knob?

What do you think of the list?

I don't have a lisp. No, the wedding list!

It's more Janet's department.

Wedding lists and cleanliness I leave well alone.

What do you want out of the wedding?

Chocolate gateau would be nice.

I just wanna marry Janet. That's nice.

Every time I say that, a woman comes on to me.

Would you have put expensive stuff on the list? I don't know anyone who can afford what she wants.

A steam cleaner! You can't clean steam! That's right!

I'm skint - I've to buy the biggest present! Thought you were rich. You work in the bucket factory!

Yeah, I'm on the machine between Richard Branson and Donald Trump

I'm on minimum wage. Are you? I earn more on job-seeker's for colouring-in! You see?

Doesn't Janet know you haven't got any money? I think so...

Cos I buy the beer and fags, she thinks I'm loaded.

I curse my generosity!

I curse the RSPCA for making me send them money! Never received my signed photo of that doberman.

Couldn't you make something for us?

That'd go down a storm! "Here's my representation of Easter in a shoe box!"

I might be able to help you.

Lend me me the money? No! You'd spend it all on the doberman! What, then?

Meet me at Pig Hill Farm Rd tomorrow. I have a secret plan!

We're not going to...? Shh!

Didn't I just say it was secret?

Hello, David. What was so urgent? Hello, Louise.

Oh, God!

Not again! Is this another woman you've slept with?

Louise, this KP, my cousin from Widnes.

She's deaf. What?

Don't do that - it's not a joke!

You poor thing!

Are you all deaf with no ears? Louise!

I'm being empathetic! You're not! If you can't be normal, go home!

I'm a social worker now!

I have to be empathetic all day! I like to shake my thang in my time off!

I like to shake my thang

in my time off!

See? I'm poor! Poor! Poor! Poor! What?

Here's my catalogue bills, wage slips, bank statement...

all as red as a postbox with a period! This one isn't!

My savings account. My gran gave me that for university if I go. There's £200!

You're not going to uni! You're as thick as me! I might!

I might be looking into night schools in salsareisiology! You're never going to college!

You made that up to make me feel bad! I don't! I just feel my best mate wants to spoil my happy day!

OK, fine. I'll see what I can do.

There you go.

Make you feel better? Tons!

Oh, Donna...

Night school.

Study salsareisiology with Dr Martinino Salsarino...

£200! Oh, no!

Does she have to sign so loudly? Everybody's looking!

She was just telling me about her ex-boyfriend - total moron.

She has boyfriends?

Yes, she has boyfriends. Why? Oh...because so do I!

We've got so much in common.

Aw! KP,

did he dump you because you're deaf?

You're being embarrassing! Talk normally. She can lip-read.

Not if I do this!

Hello, David! I'm bored. I want to go home.

Stop! Jesus! You're worse than her ex! I'm not! I'm very sensitive...

and bored!

You're going to have to be more considerate with my family.

Why? What's wrong with the rest of them?

Oh, God! The genetics!

David, don't walk off on me...!

Oh, I think I'm going blind!

Isn't it cool?

What else do women like? Do they like crocodiles?

They like it when you lie to them

about their hair and their clothes and their big fat arse.

I don't understand. Say you were out with someone, a woman, like, and she puts a dress on, what do you do?

Grab them!

No, you'd say..."You look lovely!"

You look lovely and pretty and beautiful!

Good. Just try saying it without spitting. Hold on! I've got a better idea.

Pretend I'm a woman.

Wait! Wait! Don't grab! Just be nice!

Compliment me.

Oh, er...

you're a nice lady.

Why, thank you, sir.

Do you like...my hair perhaps?

Yes, I do! Do you mind if I have some? You're offending me now...

when all I wanted was some chocolates and bras.

I've got Marmite! You can touch me shoulder in a flirtatious manner, if you like.

That'd get me all dirty!

Is your vagina on your shoulder?

I've searched for that woman! She doesn't exist!

I think round about now you should offer me a drink

and compliment me.

Do you want a drink? I like the way you fix cars!

Remember - lie to me! Flatter me worst features - always gets them!

All right...

Nice Gaz-lady...

Yes, gentle mister?

You don't have a funny-shaped head at all!

And now perhaps you could compliment my sense of humour...

even though I'm a woman and don't have one.

Oh, yeah, I like jokes,

but it's the shape of your head that's the funniest! Well done!

Oh, Munch! My lovely chap...

you haven't even asked me my name!

It's Gaz! This is role-play! How many women do you know called Gaz?

Four!

Oh...

My names Stephanie.

What?

Your name's got a fanny in it!

All right, fine.

My name's Melanie.

Cos your head's like a melon? You're not taking this seriously!

I am! I've got to lie to them! I'll go and practise!

We've got work! Where are we going? Meeting women!

You can't go now! The only women about now are eating from bins!

Ready for the biggest bargain hunt of your life? The skips?

Well, I don't see an IKEA!

Skips, Jonny, skips, as in where they keep syringes and condoms!

That's Courtney Love, but, yes... It's filthy.

Look, Janet's wedding list. It's evil - keep it away! Look...

these are all things that people have to buy. So?

If they have to buy them, they have to throw them away.

I admire your terrifying logic. Now, let's leave!

You can't afford a big present. So?

Why not get us the biggest gift of all - the gift of rubbish?

This is mad...

I can feel it in my thumbs.

Welcome to the world of Jonny!

Jesus, Jonny!

The Sally Army bin! Something for you to wear!

Quality!

One piece of advice -

don't eat anything and don't sit down. Why not?

Just trust me. What's wrong with these people?

They're not like the last ones? I'd hate to see another penis today!

Wendy?

Wendy, I brought you some fags!

Louise, you wait in the kitchen.

She likes poking people.

TV BLARES

Woman!

Hello! Would you like me to social work you?

Too bloody right I would!

You live here? A lot of the time, yes.

Sometimes I live in the garden.

How does that make you feel... as a person?

I like your head!

OK. Would you like me to lie to you now? Women like that.

Er... Chickens have got teeth. Would you like a drink?

Thank you, but I believe you dripped some disease in there.

Can I touch your bottom now?

Give me a second. It's in here somewhere.

I find your advances abusive and threatening. Please desist at once.

Cool! Are you a robot?

Please desist! Deactivate! Deactivate!

Why are you saying these words to me? Because I'm in love with you.

This isn't the way to pick up girls.

My brother said it was. He's got a girlfriend, and once...

I sucked her toe while she was asleep.

Look, I don't know if this is real social work, but I could help you.

Really? My last social worker just ate all the Hobnobs!

That wasn't a metaphor for something morbid, was it?

Metaphor! Deactivate! You're funny!

And you're stupid!

So I think we should establish that you need a very special girlfriend.

One with a vagina on her shoulder.

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Thursday!

Jonny, where did this come from? I meant to hide that!

It's Donna's wedding present. She said she was skint. Yeah.

She made me feel terrible. I can't believe she did this! It's what you wanted! It's to make me feel bad!

But it was awful... If she can afford that without saving, she can buy us a... Name something dearer?

Stoke-on-Trent. Exactly! She could buy Stoke-on-Trent.

Want to see what I got? Rusty old shite? Am I right?

In one way you are! But in many untruthful ways you are not!

What is it, then? You know your wedding list? God!

I, Stig of the dump, got you your whole list!

Don't forget little old me! Janet, why would someone throw a dead duck away? What?

That's one of the questions I asked as my finger went through its back!

Look! What's that? Why does it smell of piss?

It may look like an ordinary piece of carpet, but roll it out...

We think it's blood, actual human blood! See? It's modern!

What else have we got?

Horse And Hound over and over again!

See? Look - art prints. Pictures of dogs and horses!

Why have you done this? It's what you wanted.

I wanted you to buy me things!

I was going to feel bad about your night school, get over it and enjoy my new stuff! We worked for this!

Take it back! You're such a snob! You work in a bloody cake shop!

We sell gingerbread men too!

They have Smarties on them!

Excuse me while I shit myself with envy!

Leave her alone, Janet! She worked hard! I'm scared of polythene, but she was right in there!

Leave me alone! You're both stingy! I'm off! You can go too, Jonny!

Find some sanitary products to use as a draught excluder! That wouldn't work -

mice are attracted to... Just go!

Leave me to clear all this junk up!

God!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Hold on!

KP, I bought you a pressie.

Hiya.

This is your new boyfriend.

He's differently abled too.

He's...

..poor.

Louise, this is really bad! Take him away! Back off, Skippy!

Aw! They like each other! Look!

She's getting away!

God, Donna!

You smell rank!

Really? Cos usually when I spend all day at the tip I smell of Haagen Dazs and baby powder!

Where did you get that? The wonders of the dump never cease!

Jonny! Donna! Look! Look what's in these boxes!

What are they? Footie programmes! These are from like 50 years ago!

They're signed! We're rich! I can get everything on the list! Martinino Salsarino, here I come!

These are from the 1950 FA Cup Final. So?

When Arsenal beat Liverpool 2-0. Worth a fortune! To an Arsenal fan.

Mmm. Shall we? Yes, let's.

No! My presents!

Does Jonny have secretive patches?

Gaz being all closed off?

It's like there's something wrong, but when I ask, he's snippy!

Jonny...

I've found a lump.

But I've fallen out of love with Jonny recently.

What do I do? Go to the doctor!

I want to talk. Sounds serious. It is.