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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,040
This programme contains adult humour
2
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,680
I can't believe you came back from
Australia to find me. I didn't!
3
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,200
I made you some egg butties
and a Penguin.
4
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:13,560
Now...
have you been for a wee? Yeah.
5
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:18,360
Before you can say, "Brit girls
are easy," there you were!
6
00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:25,800
What's the matter with you?! I'll
give you a choice. Beer, nudity,
moi - gr-r! - or...dresses! Mmm.
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00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,960
with bubbles in it
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handle anything stronger now
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00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,840
"Songbird" by Oasis
10
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,880
Has anyone got any new sex tricks?
11
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:06,560
What do you want sex tricks for?
You can't be bored of David already!
12
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:09,160
Oh, God, no - I've made him wait.
13
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:14,200
Tonight's the night he gets to enter
the sacred passage del passion!
14
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:21,960
Is she talking about her fanny?
You've been going out
for over a month, though!
15
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:29,000
So? Just because YOU'VE never had
the self-confidence to wait for five
minutes! It's not self-confidence.
16
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:35,400
I'm just damn horny -
damn, DAMN horny. Jonny calls me
his Little Stringfellow.
17
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:42,240
Isn't that to do with that tampon
you lost up there six years ago?
Ew-w-w-w! Donna!
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00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,760
Hasn't David got frustrated?
19
00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:51,080
He MUST have done! He tries to
start fights over mechanistic versus
conscious processes in humans.
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00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:58,080
At least she's not talking
about her fanny.
So you've had rows, then? Oh, dear.
21
00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:04,280
What? Me and Jonny don't row
any more - not for ages and ages.
You USED to argue!
22
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:10,520
Yeah, but it seems like a waste
of time now. He knows I'm going to
win - I have the power of sulk.
23
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:17,520
Doesn't that mean you don't care?
And you're not interested
in his opinions or new ideas.
24
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:23,840
Jonny doesn't HAVE any new ideas!
They're just a rehash of his
old ones about moving to a volcano.
25
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:30,440
Well, when me and Gaz row, I feel
like it brings us closer. And
I feel mentally challenged by David,
26
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:38,160
despite him being Australian.
We could argue if I wanted to, but
I don't like feeling sad and angry.
27
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:43,800
But the sex after makes up for it.
You can really hurt 'em -
they've no idea!
28
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,800
Ooh - sex! You've just reminded me.
29
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,840
Can I borrow a Biro? Why?
30
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:57,480
Well, I went too far
with the waxing strips, and I need
to paint a few hairs back on again.
31
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:02,760
Sorry, Louise, we've only got blue
pens. He'll think they're veins.
32
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:08,960
You should start an argument with
Jonny. You're marrying him - you
should practise undermining him.
33
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,280
You know...
34
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:24,240
You know if you shaved a dog...
Yeah?
35
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,800
Would it be blue?
36
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:34,400
It's just, I see these lads, who've
just got skinheads in the summer,
37
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,040
and they've all got blue heads.
38
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:41,920
I've seen a rabbit shaved...
in a film. A bald rabbit?!
39
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,160
Yeah. What film?
40
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,520
Oh, no, hold on...
41
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:54,160
No, it was a dream. The rabbit was
pink, not blue. Just cos you have
a dream, it don't make it true.
42
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:58,720
That's Martin Luther King screwed,
thenWho?
43
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:05,840
He was a black guy who got shot and
made a speech. Wanted all the black
kids and white kids to hold hands.
44
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:11,600
Sounds like my teacher in infants'.
None of the kids
would hold hands with me.
45
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,160
I had ringworm
for a very long time.
46
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:21,880
He wasn't like your teacher - he was
a revolutionary! A poet! Perhaps the
most incredible prophet of our time.
47
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:28,320
Do you watch the History Channel?
How else would I know?! I was off
me head on thinning fluid at school!
48
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:35,520
Why would YOU watch the History
Channel? If I tell you, don't tell
anyone. All right, I'll keep quiet.
49
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:42,440
What is it? Donna watches it.
Big wooWhat's so bad about
Donna watching the History Channel?
50
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:50,000
She's getting dull! Spends every
night in front of the telly! Like
me? And she does them word puzzles.
51
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:54,360
Yeah, like me.
I often try and spell "banana".
52
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,240
B-A-N...
53
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,360
A-N-A...
54
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:01,880
N...
55
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,840
..A...
56
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,160
Jesus - Bananarama ruined my life!
57
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:16,320
I'm going to have to do something
about her boring-inity. Remember how
lovely and violent she used to be?
58
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:22,040
VIBRANT. No, definitely violent.
The things she could do
with a fish slice...
59
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,600
Well, I'd better get back
before her bedtime!
60
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,680
But it's not nine yet.
61
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:35,240
I know, but she'll have covered
herself in lavender and gone into
a herbal coma if I'm not quick.
62
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:40,320
"GROUND FORCE" THEME TUNE ON TV
63
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,960
Um-m-m-m-m...
64
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,720
Um-m-m-m-m...
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00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,920
Donna...we really need to talk.
66
00:05:53,920 --> 00:06:00,760
Can't it wait? I'm trying to relax.
I just want a quiet night in.
Um-m-m...
67
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:05,520
That's all you EVER want! No,
sometimes I want a LOUD night in.
68
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:13,040
Remember our "films with 'Bang'
in the title" night? That was loud
and banging, but it was IN!
69
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,840
Inside? Exactly! I'm worried
you don't go out any more!
70
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:24,040
I do! I go to work, and to Janet's,
and me mum's! Whoa, missy!
You're a social whirlwind
71
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:29,720
I haven't been to a club for a bit.
So? I quite like being with YOU!
72
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:34,640
I quite like you being with me, but
not all the time! I'm not that nice!
73
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:41,400
You've got to go places without me!
Why? Because we wouldn't be able to
talk about our nights out any more.
74
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:47,320
I'd say, "What'd you do last night?"
You'd say, "Well, I was stood
next to you." That's no fun!
75
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:54,080
What would YOU do if I went out?
Wouldn't you be lonely? No, I'd
watch the Premiership, get a curry,
76
00:06:54,080 --> 00:07:01,960
and have that wank I've needed
ever since you've moved in! You've
not had a wank since I moved in?!
77
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
Only at work.
78
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,600
Oh, you're a real gentleman
79
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:15,560
No, I'm not - I just don't want you
walking in on me. The self-inflicted
orgasm face ain't a pretty one.
80
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:20,920
Isn't the same as your sex-orgasm
face? No, I put that on for show!
81
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,800
This is me self-inflicted one.
82
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,200
That's disturbing.
83
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:35,240
You want me to go out my own? Not
on your own! With your workmates!
84
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:41,480
Have a good time with your mates,
wear skirts, touch 'em, tell me
about it. Why are you that bothered?
85
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:49,240
Because...some guys take a beautiful
girl, and hide 'em away from the
rest of the world. And Daddy, dear,
86
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:54,280
you know you're still number one.
Anyway, girls just...wanna have fun.
87
00:07:54,280 --> 00:08:00,520
That's why, Donna.
You're so cute sometimes!
All right, I'll go out this week.
88
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If I have to watch you pumicing
yourself again... I said OK. Or hear
you sing! I'm a great singer.
89
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:12,960
HIGH-
Is e-e-easy cos you're beautiful!
90
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:23,320
Look, twatty balls, I'll go out, so
say I have the voice of an angel.
91
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:27,120
You have the voice of an angel.
..Oh!
92
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,880
..with a chest infection.
..Agh! Get off!
93
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,440
CARTOON ON TV
94
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TV GOES OFF
95
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:48,400
Agh! Oh...!
96
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,960
I can never get to 20
without eating them all.
97
00:08:54,960 --> 00:09:01,000
Jammy Dodgers rule. Mmm.
It's different with Rich Tea -
they're evil.
98
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:08,920
If God rained Rich Teas instead of
frogs, them in the Bible would have
been pissed off. I like Rich Tea!
99
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:15,960
Then I don't wanna marry you. I bet
you like Bourbon Creams. Yeah! Why?
They're sneaky, underhand biscuits.
100
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:21,880
They pretend to be proper
chocolate, then bang! They hit you
with Bourneville badness.
101
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:30,960
Jonny... Yup? Why don't we argue?
Cos we don't love and respect each
other, we don't care what we think,
102
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:38,000
so we should split up while we can
still look at each other? Jesus! I
expected something biscuit-related!
103
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,360
We never disagree! We never argue!
I beg to differ!
104
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:49,800
The Rich Tea debate we just had
was informative. Shut up about
biscuits! Now we're nearly rowing!
105
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:56,560
But we don't have proper, stand-up,
screamy, kick-me-up-the-arse
arguments. So what? That's good!
106
00:09:56,560 --> 00:10:03,240
It's not! It means we don't listen,
or care what the other one thinks.
I'm always listening to you!
107
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:07,280
What did I say when I came in
from work? You said...
108
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:13,840
"Hiya, love." And then what?
And then you asked me a question
about Alfred the Great.
109
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,800
That wasn't me -
that was on Fifteen To One!
110
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:23,200
OK, what do you wanna argue about?
I don't know. Passionate things!
111
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:28,480
Well, we can have a screamy row, if
that makes you happy. Oh, thanks!
112
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,920
Go on, then. No, you go first.
Right, OK, um...
113
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,160
You...uh...
114
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:42,800
You've always hated my mother!
I love your mum - she's great!
She makes a lovely plum duff.
115
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:47,560
Jesus, Janet - get with it! Oh,
sorry. I'LL have a go. Go on, then.
116
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,080
You...
117
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,520
..man! Fantastic, Janet - you've
really got a way with words
118
00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:03,680
This isn't working.
We need a proper thing to argue
about. I know! Hold on a sec. OK.
119
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,560
What? I learnt this on the streets.
120
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:18,280
What, Canal Street
Why have you brought a cup?
Smash it against the wall.
121
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,320
This is your Jelly Babies mug -
it's your favourite. Yeah.
122
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:28,720
Smash it, I'll hate you,
we'll argue, you'll cry, I'll
storm out - fabulous! OK! Go on.
123
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,120
Well?
124
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,720
I feel...really sad.
125
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,400
That was my...my favourite.
126
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,000
Tea tasted better somehow!
127
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,120
Aren't you angry?
128
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:59,640
I just feel a terrible sense
of loss and regret.
129
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:03,080
It's awful, Janet!
Oh, baba, come here!
130
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:09,360
Oh, we'll get you a new one
tomorrow, and a packet
of Jelly Babies as well!
131
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:12,880
Oh, bollocks!
We really CAN'T argue! My mug!
132
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,200
RADIO IS ON
133
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,120
Janet? It's me!
134
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,800
I've been kidnapped!
135
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,200
No, by David!
136
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:42,240
No, I'm here of my own free will -
it's not THAT kind of kidnapping!
137
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,240
We've done it eight times so far.
138
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,800
He's scaring me!
139
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:55,040
And he's in the shower,
but that's only because his pubes
were getting matted!
140
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,440
It's not funny!
141
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:03,680
I'm tired and hungry,
and if I ever have another orgasm
again, it'll be too soon!
142
00:13:03,680 --> 00:13:07,680
DOOR OPENS >
Oh, God! He's coming back!
143
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,480
Louise, I've found a loofah.
144
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,200
Wanna go loof?
145
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:25,840
Mum, you know when you and Dad
first got together? Do you mind
not mentioning your father?!
146
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:33,480
There's men on half these sun beds!
Perfect examples of manhood.
Necks twice as thick as their heads.
147
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:38,520
Did you stay in much? I stayed in
more, once YOU started to show,
148
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:45,360
but nobody was paying me to dance
on their face by then, so I was a
bit skint. Gaz is worried about me.
149
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:51,520
He says I stay in too much.
Do you? Yeah, cos I'm tired
after I get home from work.
150
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:58,040
Cocaine. That's what you need. I
know a dentist who can nick us some.
Mum, that's dangerous AND illegal.
151
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,560
Dangerous? Is it?
152
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:05,600
I bet that's why I can feel my heart
pumping through my eyeballs. Right.
153
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,160
Do you think Gaz is right?
..How often do YOU go out?
154
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:16,640
I've a regular slot with a bouncer.
He has an infection, so the younger
girls don't like to touch him.
155
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:21,400
No...how often do you have a night
out? Twice, three times a week.
156
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:26,160
My mother has a better social life
than me! There's a booth free.
157
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:33,760
Do YOU wanna go first? I'M not doing
sun beds. I'm olivey. I don't wanna
be walnutty. You're out of fashion!
158
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,160
Look around! Orange is the future!
159
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:49,120
Why are you doing that? Are you
obsessive-compulsive? I'm trying to
irritate Jonny, so we have a row.
160
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,320
No-one likes teabags in the sink -
except for those PG Tips monkeys.
161
00:14:54,320 --> 00:15:01,200
I don't think teabags are at the top
of his list of hygiene priorities.
So, tell me about last night.
162
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:07,080
Oh, God! I don't wanna think about
it! He's like some sort of monster!
163
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:12,000
Is he into kinky stuff, like rubber
and leopards? No, he isn't kinky.
164
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:17,680
He's more generous. How? Does he buy
you dinner in the middle of it
165
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:22,520
He can't stop once he's started. And
it isn't just the quantity either.
166
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:28,240
It's the quality. If Jonny
was THAT good, I'd rent him out
to widows! You don't understand.
167
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,320
Unfortunately not, so explain it.
168
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:35,360
You know when you have caviar
for the first time? Mais oui.
169
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:42,160
"Yet one can never have too much
caviar," as I said to Jonny over a
crisp Chianti under a harvest moon.
170
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,960
OK, so you've not had it?
171
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:49,000
Duh! Closest we've got
was when I ate that tadpole.
172
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:54,880
Well, say there's a really
sunny day... Yeah?
173
00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:01,600
You think it's great,
you get your bikini on,
go down to the beach and all that...
174
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:07,160
We sit in the back yard and wave
at the albino kid across the road.
175
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:14,120
Well, imagine if every day was sunny
forever. You'd get fed up! Maybe,
but we're not talking about the sun.
176
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:20,800
We're talking about a bloke who
can't stop shagging. I don't see
the problem! He's too good in bed!
177
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,560
And I've got to see him again...
tonight.
178
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:30,280
And you think you have to have sex
cos he wants it? Kind of.
Fake a headache.
179
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:36,160
He'll only give me a neck massage,
and we all know what THAT leads to!
Say you've got cholera.
180
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:43,600
Well, he'll only take me
to the doctor, and we all know what
THAT leads to! No. Sex...probably!
181
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:48,960
Last night, I was dropping off
after, and a car alarm went off.
182
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:56,320
He said, "Doesn't the sound
of a siren turn you on?" and started
again! You could always say no.
183
00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:01,360
I was too tired to. I just had
to lie there having orgasms.
184
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:08,360
It's so dull! If he's so lustful
NOW, his attraction will fizzle out
soon. You just have to wait,
185
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:14,800
and have the best sex ever for
a month or two. Maybe you're right.
I could just learn off him.
186
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:21,720
You'll have fun! You'll end up
tired yet happy, and with an easier
passageway for future children.
187
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:27,600
< KEYS JANGLE
Ooh, here's Jonny! Shall I be
irritating? Just be yourself.
188
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:35,400
Hiya, Louise. I heard about your
boyfriend. I did it three times
in a week once. We're all animals!
189
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,040
Thanks
190
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:46,080
Smells nice and orangey in here.
Yeah! Look at the sofa! Oh...!
191
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,280
Pot pourri! How exotic!
Oh...! But...!
192
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:56,360
OK, wait for it.
Five, four, three, two, one..
193
00:17:56,360 --> 00:17:58,600
Janet? Yes!
194
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,960
What do you want, wanker?
195
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,520
You've made me Marmite butter!
196
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:11,480
You are gifted -
truly, truly gifted!
197
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:17,520
For God's sake! ..Jonny?
Yeah? I threw out
those lucky pants of yours!
198
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:23,760
You know the ones
that make Liverpool win?
Oh, right. Um...annoying, isn't it?
199
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:30,880
It's all right - I now pin pictures
of Houllier to my crotch instead.
Jonny has issues, doesn't he?
200
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,880
Janet? Yeah? The sink's full of
teabags! I know! ..This'll get him.
201
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,000
So...do you want me to peg 'em out
on the line for you?
202
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,920
Ugh! You never heard that.
203
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,360
'I wonder if the free ten minutes
of Playboy has started...'
204
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,600
Oh... Ooh...
205
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,640
Oh...! Oh...
206
00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:01,800
'God, where is she?
This is WAY past her bedtime.
207
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:06,840
'I'll just look out the door and
make sure she's... Hold on a minute!
208
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,880
'I'm actually thinking in WORDS!
209
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,640
'Usually it's just pictures
of women!'
210
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,880
DISTANT CAR ALARM
211
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,080
DOOR OPENS
212
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,840
Ah...sod it.
213
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,800
Ugh!
214
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,680
Ah, well, vomit...
That's a...bonus.
215
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,400
OK, think drunk.
216
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:23,520
Ooh!
217
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,120
So, uh...about last night.
218
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,040
I was great, wasn't I?
219
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,040
Yes!
220
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,760
Yes, you were. Um...
221
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:53,400
David...um...I think you should know
that I see this as a learning
experience - the sex thing -
222
00:20:53,400 --> 00:21:01,000
and I'm enthusiastic to indulge
in the physical, spiritual
and mental side to human copulation.
223
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:09,720
I think that we can both grow from
this and become exciting, enriched,
hugely erotic members of this world,
224
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:16,560
and I want to learn off you and
experience everything you have to
teach me! Don't YOU feel like that?
225
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:19,280
Yeah, great!
226
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,640
Night, then!
227
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:35,600
Oh...! Ooh!
Did you have a good time?
228
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,200
Oh...I love you!
229
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:43,800
You're my...best mate! When you
get drunk, you turn into an old man.
230
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,840
They said I couldn't do it,
but I showed...them!
231
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:55,080
I split my atom doing it, while
I...climbed that policeman! That's
lovely. ..Let's get you into bed.
232
00:21:55,080 --> 00:22:01,240
See? It's good to have a night out.
You come home with such unusual
breath. Do you wanna fight?
233
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:07,360
Did you spill my pint...?
Oh! You need water and something
to eat. What do you fancy?
234
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:12,440
Can I have some fruit
and a glass of semi-skimmed...
235
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,600
Hold on...you're not drunk!
236
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:20,000
Oh, I am!
I've had many, many drinks!
237
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,080
No-one wants milk if they're drunk!
It makes sick taste like earwax!
238
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:29,360
I is a large tomato! Stop! You're
lying. I'm not! Watch me walk.
239
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,680
Oh...! Oh!
240
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,760
OH!
241
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:40,280
No-one walks like that when they're
drunk, unless they've got rickets!
242
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:46,360
You said you'd get drunk and lairy!
You've disappointed me!
Sorry. It'll never happen again.
243
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:52,480
That's what they ALL say! Next time
I ask you to have a good time,
you'll be at the library or jogging!
244
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:59,320
It just happened. One thing I ask
you to do - get pissed and come home
smelling of smoke and other women.
245
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:06,400
My mother warned me about your type!
It's not how it looks. I can
explain! What have you got to say?
246
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:13,840
Come on! You humiliated me. I tried
to go out, but it was loud, and
men were trying to get off with me.
247
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:19,040
I wanted to come home with a video
and a Chinese and sit with you.
248
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:24,280
But why?! When you can go out and
have it large, and bite the pickle?!
249
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:29,640
See? You've got ME ageing now!
Pickles! Because I really like it.
250
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:36,280
I still see my friends, I just like
being with you better than them.
Even Joanne with the nice baps?
251
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,120
Even her.
252
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,320
God... Well, all right.
253
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,200
Do you understand? Yeah, I suppose.
254
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:52,360
But not every night. Sometimes, I'd
like you not to be here when I get
home, so I worry about you. What?
255
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:59,400
I like worrying about you. Makes it
even better when I get to see you.
Aw, bless - that's romantic!
256
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,160
You just want more wank time,
don't you?
257
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,160
Yeah.
258
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,720
Shall I go out again now?
259
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,680
Yeah, go on!
260
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,680
SNORING
261
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,720
HE SNORES LOUDLY
262
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,240
Did you just poke me?
263
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:33,280
I was asleep! I couldn't poke you
in my sleep, unless I was dreaming
about a poking competition,
264
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:37,320
which I was NOT!
What were you dreaming about?
265
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:44,080
Let me see...
I was dreaming about a man who,
one night, gave a beautiful princess
266
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:50,760
a huge box of diamonds and,
the next night, gave her a bag full
of spit he'd sucked out of a cow!
267
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,280
What do you think it means
268
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:58,120
Is this because we didn't have sex
last night? Nur-r!
269
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:04,960
I thought you'd be exhausted! I
WAS! But you can't perform like that
the first night we sleep together,
270
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:12,240
and spend the rest of your life as a
vestal virgin! I wasn't planning to!
So why won't you have sex with me?
271
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:16,320
I would have, if it wasn't for
the friction burns on my cock!
272
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:23,720
What do you mean?! I worked
bloody hard the other night.
273
00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:30,240
If you want that two nights
running, you're ungrateful,
and possibly have no clitoris!
274
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:35,480
I thought that's what you wanted. I
thought it was an Australian thing.
275
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:40,040
I've seen Round The Twist -
you're all disturbed!
276
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,640
No, I only did it all night
to impress you!
277
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,880
So you don't always do that?
278
00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:51,640
God, no! Three, four times a week,
max! Scouts' honour!
279
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:56,920
Well, that's perfect! I have
a spare four hours a week! Hours?!
280
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,840
I'm sorry, Louise, I just...
281
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:04,160
I just wanted you to think I was...
282
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,840
a...a stud.
283
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:14,320
I think you'll find, as an
Australian, the word is "spunk", and
you wanted me to find you a SPUNK!
284
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,000
No, I really don't. Rack off!
285
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,520
Please be quiet now.
286
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,400
Bloody hell, Jonny!
287
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:35,640
"Janet, you've gone to bed.
Don't clean up my tower.
288
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:39,200
"I've achieved the unachievable -
23 Dodgers..."
289
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:45,800
I heard the sound
of tumbling biscuits! I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry... ME TOWER!
290
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:52,600
I didn't... You never appreciate
my architectural prowess! It was
an accident! It was sabotage!
291
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:58,920
They're just biscuits! Don't be
so sad! JUST biscuits?! This was
a record! Three words - get a job!
292
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,400
Three words - get a...haircut!
293
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,320
What?!
294
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:08,600
You ruined me dreams! Your dreams
are stupid! They're dough!
295
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,000
Are we having a row? Yeah, bastard!
296
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,360
OK...bitch!
297
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,960
Thinny man! Big-titty girl!
298
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,080
Brown hair! Hairy head!
299
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:26,120
Let's do it on the Dodgers! You'll
get jam on you! Meow! Go on, then!
300
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:34,040
We're having a list. Everything
on the list is expensive! It's not!
301
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,440
OK, but where will people find
a Hear'say album?!
302
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,120
If you want to meet women, go out!
303
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:44,480
Have a shower, put a shirt on,
I'll show you how it's done.
304
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,080
This is KP. By the way, she's deaf.
305
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,360
Are you all deaf,
with no ears?
306
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:53,400
Practise on her.
307
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,800
Do you wanna see me knob?
30109
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