Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

Jonny, you've proposed and I want a ring.

How will he get a ring with no job?

We always do it. We live together now. We can't do it every night.

I want a job. No-one will have me.

Try not to blurt it up my back, all right?

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

I'm so tired!

Oh, aye... Me too.

How long were we doing it for then?

I don't know, but I'm completely numb.

Numb? You're lucky! I feel like I've been sandblasted.

Let's just get some sleep. See if everything works in the morning.

Gaz? Yeah.

What if we've worn ourselves out and can never do it again?

Then I'll go and get married. OK. Night.

MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC

What's going on? It's downstairs.

Who are they? Not the Terrahawks, is it? No, some new family.

They'll pack it in when the drugs wear off. How long do they last? Till Tuesday.

Is there anything we can do? Dress up as monks and stand outside? I hate it when people do that to me.

Gaz, I need my sleep. Tell them to turn it in. No way! They're rough. Can't you just sleep through it?

I went before. What did they say?

Eh, I've got me baby here, mate.

Where were they from?

Possibly Mexico.

Did they turn the music down? No, but I didn't ask them. I was covered in saliva and needed a shower.

That's it. They don't know how thin the floors are. No, they do. Watch.

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Jonny, you have to eat! What time is it?

Someone used the Shreddies to make a mosaic in the bathroom.

What time is it? Are you nervous?

Yeah. It's my first proper job. What if no-one likes me?

They will. It's a DIY shop, the friendliest places in the world. It's like Disney World with dado.

Who's dado?

I don't know anything. I can't do it. Come on! Get a move on!

Here, egg butties and a Penguin.

Nobody takes a pack lunch! You're not having chips every day.

Now...

have you been for a wee?

Yeah.

Did you wash your hands? Janet, urine's the cleanest substance.

Are you wearing clean underwear? No. Why? You might have an accident.

If I did, surely the underwear wouldn't be clean any more anyway. You've got gunk on your face. Here.

Ugh! You want to impress your new boss, don't you? Your spit's like 90% tar.

Just try and be good. We need the money. OK.

Set the video for Through The Keyhole. I will.

Oh, and there's a double As Time Goes By on at two. Daytime TV's changed you into a woman.

Go!

Mum! I'm off! Try and get dressed today if you can.

Manic depressives are so lazy!

Planning your funeral... Making a will... That's a coincidence!

Stannah stairlift... Damn you, Thora Hird!

Oh! I must be getting old!

4am. I know.

And then they start shagging!

Well, it is every man's right.

It's everyone's right to have sex. It's not every man's right to go,

BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY, BABY!

That was sound. Let's have coke.

BABY, BABY, BABY...! I know - I thought they were in pain at first. Why don't YOU make noises like that?

So your eardrums don't burst. Your thighs make pretty good mufflers.

Yes, thank you. You need to talk to them again. Once they know we work in the morning, they'll understand.

Or they'll say... GUTTURAL NOISES

Everybody's basically good and reasonable.

What time are you in? Ages yet.

Bloody good job - I need sleep.

MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC

What the hell is that? Thank God! What?

I can't sleep through this!

No, no, no... This is the chill-out song. It lulls 'em to sleep.

These people are mental mad

and they have holes where their brains should be

and they live on vibrations, like Beethoven and the Beach Boys.

They never, ever sleep, Gaz. Never, ever, never, ever...

I'll give you a lift to your mum's. You can sleep there. Never sleep, never sleep...

God!

Dana's broken you.

'Could Karl come down to building materials, please? Could Karl come down to building materials, please?'

Hiya.

Oh. It's Julie, isn't it? I've got three kids, you know.

Jonny. I've just started here.

Think I don't know that? I'm the supervisor. I've got three kids.

I don't particularly need to know how slack your nastiness is.

I've had men mess me around. I know what's what, so don't try anything.

You seem to have lost control of your finger.

I never lose control of anything, darling.

So, explain what's up with the eye.

Could you help me with this? D'you hate women? No, I'm marrying one.

I almost married the bastard. Three kids, I've got. I went to college.

What did you do? You're on first warning. What did I do?!

Tried to get off with me! A senior member of staff!

I don't find you attractive, what with that eye thing... Whatever.

You must find me attractive, because I attract losers and you're a loser.

I've done nothing! Are you speaking back to me?

Obviously I am - my mouth's moving.

Look, Johnny, I don't care what your name is... You might - it's Jonny.

I've got power. Julie can get people sacked, just like that.

I can resign. Sure you don't need the money?

Wouldn't little wifey-mifey be a bit upsetty without her penny-wennies?

Yeah, she'd be furious...

wurious.

So...you'd better do as I say.

Get a bucket. I don't do cleaning! No, sweetheart, you're going to sit in the window and wear it.

SHE MUMBLES SLEEPILY

Baby! Baby, Baby...!

Oh, Jesus! Donna, what on earth is the matter with you?

Oh, God!

I'm so tired. It's my neighbours. Kept us awake nearly all night.

Didn't even have time to have my dream about Yarmouth.

Everybody's got terrible neighbours.

They're all either noisy, nosy, or simply...

UGLY OLD WITCHES WHO WON'T JUST LIE DOWN AND DIE!

Leave Mrs Birkett alone. She's 83. I can't stand her. Always falling over and talking about ovaries. MUM!

She won't be able to hear me. She won't have her hearing aid in. Sure?

Yeah. Hey, when she does, I love to creep up behind her and whistle.

Really scares her, does that.

I've got to get to the factory. Hope I don't pass out in a bucket.

We've all done it. Buckets, gutters, best man's laps - it's all the same.

I'll see you later. Hang on! What are you going to do about your neighbours? I don't know!

It's impossible. They probably have thousands of scabby family members,

coming at you, going, "Mokky chokky bokk, mate."

Are you living above chickens?

I don't know what to do.

Think about it, Donna - what do you usually get me for Christmas?

Alcohol. It's what you ask for. And what happens on Christmas Day?

You pass out in the baking tray and don't wake up till the 27th.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh...

You're not getting old, Louise.

But I got all these pamphlets! That's just junk mail.

And the one for incontinence pants? They've been watching me. I can't help sneezing through my bladder.

You don't look old. Oh, you're such a dear!

Stop talking like my nan. Don't disrespect your elders!

'Ell's bells, buckets of blood, me dogs are barking...

Why not do some volunteer work with the elderly?

It worked with me and my fear of naked women.

I'm not doing volunteer work. It'll help you feel better, and you'll be doing something good.

What have old people done for me?!

Walk slowly and smell of lavender wee!

I won't hang around with biddies. If I want to get over this fear, I'll just have to Botox myself.

How does this look to you?

Hiya. How was it? How was what?

The first day at work! Did they make a fuss of you? You could say that.

What, did they play tricks and get you up to mischief?

Yeah, mischief. Mmm. My supervisor, Julie, is a mischievous little imp. She naughtily spat in my dinner.

She mischievously told the customers that I was retarded.

Oh, and the cheeky minx dropped a roll of wallpaper on my spine. Ha, bastard, bloody, ha.

That's what happens. You get teased and played tricks on. She's a bully.

You're getting bullied by a girl She's me supervisor!

I see. It's terrible. Exactly. Next time she does it, tell the teacher.

Janet, she's making my life hell!

Men don't get bullied. Children get bullied and women get harassed.

But she stuck a note on me back, saying I was in the National Front!

That fishmonger threw a cockle at me!

You're making it up so you don't have to work!

She hates men! I don't care if she hates rainbows. We need the money.

She's horrible. I can't go back.

So, where will you work? Don't say "in music". Nobody likes opera rap.

Right, listen...

Drinking all me bee-er

That song's the reason we can never go to funerals.

Get another job or go back there. I'm not supporting us. But... What?

But...

To be honest, that's all I had.

But.

I feel you'll benefit from confronting your problems if you learn to accept and grow. OK...

Open your eyes.

Argh! They're old! Yes.

They've got...big crinkly faces like cheese.

Don't let them lick me! Argh!

You all right, Gaz?

No, Jonny, I've not slept.

Not unless you count the hour I lost staring at that carburettor.

Are you that tired? Yeah. It's the neighbours. What were they doing?

They're just so noisy!

Before Donna moved in, I could just stick bread in me ears. What kind?

Mighty White.

Granary's too big. Acoustics are terrible.

And it's not as tasty the next day. You should see Donna - she's worse!

If only it was her type of music - the Carpenters or Don McLean or...

Nazi Death Metal. Do you think they'd like opera funk?

No! Nobody likes it, Jonny! You've got a job now. You don't need to sell your freaky Ave Maria.

It's funky Ave Maria! And I might need to sell it.

Why? I thought you could manage with wallpaper. Brown, sir? Peach, madam?

Brown and peach aren't the only colours. There's patterned and textured and easy-up and...

Leave your job! I can't talk interior design. It makes me feel wrong inside, wrong and afraid.

Gaz, has anyone ever...

bullied you...at work?

I work for me dad... so, yeah, obviously.

What did you do? Well, Jonny, I resigned.

Yeah? That's why I'm still there.

Honestly, though. Are you being hassled or something? Well, yeah.

A bit. There's this woman...

Brilliant!

No, it's not. She's superior.

Ooh! No, not in a dominant way! She's me supervisor and she's... well, she's bullying me.

Oh! Poor little Jonny! Did the girly stamp on your foot and steal your ice-cream?

That's what Janet said.

Bullied by a girl! Only happens to the Paul McCartneys of this world.

Aw!

Aargh!

You need to overcome this irrational phobia by facing your fears head-on.

Look, David, I'm scared of getting old and I'm scared of old people.

I see a pattern emerging. All I need to do is pin my face back and never see another old person. Easy!

I'll stop watching Channel 4 in the afternoons.

You can't get over it by avoidance.

What you should do is the opposite.

Oh, I see!

Become more childlike, you mean.

David, you're a genius! I'm telling you to grow.

Yes, grow...into a child. That's what you're saying.

You're not becoming a child.

Oh, OK...

by becoming a baby, I can never grow old. This is brilliant!

I want a dolly!

Hiya. So, you got it, then? Yep, from the bakery. Said I was making brandy snaps without the snap.

No, without the brandy, cos that's the snap... D'you want it or not?

I hope this works. These people are scary. You can't reason with them.

Jonny says that about his boss.

Says he's getting bullied. How exactly?

Dunno. Probably the same as me and you. Oh.

What, like when they rub up against you in the stockroom and say, "Room for a little one, sweetheart?"

I meant overtime. Donna, you're on minimum wage. Leave!

I know I should, but Mrs Dawson always apologises later.

Everyone suffers in work. Except the people who sleep for a living.

I don't know anyone who does that.

There's... Oh, no, that was Jonny's old job.

Exactly, when he was on the dole. I'd come home and he'd be in bed.

Didn't it make you angry? I'd slip a Fruit & Nut between his buttocks.

He thought he had Crohn's disease!

Aargh!

Sorry, did I frighten you? No. No... Yeah. Yeah, you scared me.

Jonny...look, things have got off to a bad start.

Women's troubles.

Oh. I had noticed you were a little bit...

tetchy.

Grrr!

Miaow.

You noticed? Oh, deary me!

We'll forget all about it. I pride myself on knowing everything there is to know about...

ladies', um...

parts. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Gimme a marker and I can draw a map of your fallopians.

You think you know all about women? Oh, yeah, I do.

I paid attention in that class. I heard we might see some pubes.

That class...

Men are favoured above women in education. Thatcher child! What?

You think you're better than me, cos you've got an education? Nice Julie was just premenstrual. You're evil!

Typical! You think you know how women feel pain? We bleed!

And you still get paid more than me.

Julie, you've got issues. Go to a women's group, with the lesbians - you could work through it.

Are you telling me what to do?

I could crush you, little boy.

If you don't leave me alone, I'll talk to the boss. I AM the boss.

No, the big boss that sits in the office.

Can't you stand up for yourself? Are you scared of women? Women who've had children? Who've suffered?

You fell out the hormone tree and hit every tampon on the way down.

Go on, then. Stand up for yourself.

JONNY!

Please don't say my name like that. It'd upset me mum. Mummy's boy!

Come on! Show me what you've got in there!

If you insist. Come on!

MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC

GOD!

Right! Brilliant. What's brilliant?

Me? Just wait.

Sorry to disturb you...

SCOUSE VOICES

I brought you something. Brandy!

MUFFLED VOICES

That's OK. Sorry to disturb you.

You're sound, mate. I'm so sorry an' that.

Well, I think it's safe to say, we won't be hearing from them again.

What did you do, pasteurise 'em?

I was a calm and rational adult and explained that we need our sleep and they were being a mite unfair.

They were OK with that? Yeah. And I bought them a bottle of brandy.

Oh, my God! What?

You gave them alcohol! I bought them a present. What's wrong with that? They're quiet.

Here we go!

MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC

You understand how serious this is?

Yeah, but...she's a monster!

Look, I... No, she's not a monster. Sorry, that's unfair. She's a...

..twat!

Look, Julie's caused us problems before with male staff members, but that's no excuse to hit her, is it?

No, it's not. Luckily for you...

you punch like a woman.

Thank you.

So I can give you one last chance...

Thank God! My fiancee would be like...

..as long as you have sexual intercourse with me. What?

As long as you have sexual intercourse with me.

Hiya. How was work? Did the naughty lady smack your bum-bum?

Please, I can get another job. You don't understand how bad this one's got. I really am being harassed

and I tried to be a man and smacked Miss Bird one... What?!

..but strangely that just made everything worse. Jonny, look...

just stick it out for a few months. You can handle a bit of ribbing.

Yeah, you're right.

I know I'm right. Sometimes people don't like you. You have to deal with it, OK?

OK. I suppose I can manage. There you go.

I've got to have sex with my boss tomorrow, OK? Let's have a look in Jobs North West.

LOUD THUMPING MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

I'm calling the police. They didn't even come when that woman was stuck in me drain. When will they stop?

Never! They've taken a cocktail of drugs and your cheap brandy!

Maybe we can scare them into stopping. How?

KNOCKING

Louise, this is a bad time. No time is bad when it's playtime! I can play and frolic.

Louise, what d'you want? What every little girl wants.

I knew this day would come! Come on.

Who's first across me knee? Come on. Come on.

Gaz! I want an ice cream. She's mental.

I'm being childlike to make me youthful!

Whoa! See, she's malfunctioning! I've seen Robocop.

Hold on a minute. Just watch her.

Her dungarees frighten me.

Imagine, after a drink and drugs spree, finding that at your door.

Sounds like a perfect day to me.

We could really freak 'em out! We could send them mad, so mad that they'd have to shut up.

Louise, I know somebody just like you who wants to play.

Hurrah! Do they have magic beans? I think it's safe to say they do!

OK.

All you have to do is go downstairs and knock on their door.

OK.

LOUD MUSIC AND SQUEALING

Baby, baby, baby!

CRASHING

Baby, baby!

They tried to set fire to me.

Tonight's the night he'll enter the secret passage del passion.

You ruin me dreams! They're stupid!

Donna, we really need to talk. I feel really sad.

You just want more wank time.

What d'you want, wanker? That was industrial sabotage!

Why won't you have sex with me? The friction burns on my cock!