Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

What happened? Jonny asked me to marry him.

It's just... I asked Janet to marry me yesterday...and she said... Gaz?

EEEK!

Look at me! Deep breaths! Come on!

I'd really love you to marry me!

Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Aw!

What you looking at? Me mum's wedding photos.

Trying to get ideas for our wedding! Oh?

Go on, then. Let's have a look.

My God! How fat was she?

Jonny! She's pregnant!

That's me in her uterus!

Hello, little Janet! So...where's your dad?

Don't know. There - behind that cloud of smoke.

She's got a fag! Check her! That's my mother on her wedding day!

Fat, smoking, all in white? You sure it wasn't Elvis's cremation? Stop it! I smoke!

I'll smoke at our wedding! Donna and Louise smoke - the bridesmaids. They'll smoke too.

It'll look like I'm marrying a dry-ice machine. We won't walk into the church smoking!

We'll have gum for the ceremony.

I'll be at the altar with you in an iron lung, coughing up blood!

I don't smoke mustard gas! If we have children... When, Jonny!

All right, when we have children, they'll be short with yellow crepey skin.

Be like giving birth to your own grandparents.

Doesn't look nice, does it? No.

OK. I'll quit...tomorrow.

Good. We can put the money you save towards the wedding. Yeah.

Hire a proper disco instead of that bloke that just whistles. Whistling Trev? I was looking forward to him!

OK, we'll have him, but we'll have to get rid of Farting Derek.

Done!

It's exciting, innit? What?

Our first proper night together, sat in like pensioners.

There's just less crumpetiness. It's great.

I'm tired, Shall we retire to the boudoir, mon cheri! Why, let's, ma'am! French word.

Just got to brush my teeth. I ate some mud today.

HE BRUSHES HIS TEETH

Gaz! What? What are you doing?

Brushing my teeth, so we can retire to the boudoir. OK.

Gaz? What?

Why are you singing? Was I?

Yeah, about bringing in the sheep. I'm not against trying new things, but I draw the line at livestock.

I wasn't singing. You were.

Weird! I didn't even know I was doing it. Stop it. It's odd.

Grr!

Gaz, you're making noises again.

Grr!

Are you getting in or what?

That's a bit unsubtle, innit?! What is?

You could have said, "Enter my chamber of squelch"!

Into bed, Gaz! Not me!

I see.

Want some role-play, do you? OK...

My sleeping beauty...

I am your prince and I want to wake you with my mighty sword.

I'll stab you with it... Just...

go to sleep.

Sleep? Yes. I was gonna have sex!

Now? It's 1.00! I've got work at 8.30.

We always do it when you stay over. We live together now.

We can't do it every night. Don't you fancy me? Course I do!

We'll still have loads of sex!

We can do it whenever we want.

Even in the mornings? Yes.

Or on Tuesdays? Yes.

8.30 on a Sunday night if you like.

Monarch Of The Glen's on then! Go to sleep!

Fine.

Gaz...

Yeah?

If you have to do that, try not to blurt it up my back!

A secret admirer!

Who are you?

Who do I know who smells of...paper?

What do they want this time?

Oh, my God!

A-hem!

What?

COUGHING

Jonny, have you turned gay? No, I am doing my cough.

Why? Look what you're doing!

You're not still going on about giving up? Tomorrow! Janet, it stinks. It doesn't suit you. Does!

Makes me look big and clever!

Janet, look at yourself.

Look! You're like an angel,

a beautiful, blonde, hairy-legged angel.

Look, Jonny! Heavenly clouds coming out of my mouth.

Then there's the cost! £5 a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year...

That's...£1,820. How did you do that?

I'm mathematically gifted. It's both a joy and a curse.

I know it's expensive, but...

What about your health and your stench? What are you on about?

I don't want to marry you and 20 years later you're dead! I'm not gonna die!

It's just a bad investment, really.

Jonny, I'll give up soon, OK?

Soon? When's soon? When we have children? That's ages away!

Like ten years...

Look - do you really wanna leave all this behind?

Jonny, what are you doing?

I'm like the man from the poster, you know, the sensitive one with the baby and the love...

Oh, yeah. Dead ringer!

Look, just try. Just try for me and the little one...

OK. I'll try not to smoke today, all right?

Good! But if I want one tomorrow, I'll have one! OK. You'll do it for me because you love me.

Every cigarette takes five minutes of your life. Why couldn't it have been this last five minutes? Bye.

You are Gaz Wilkinson...

a beast of a man.

You're strong, you're confident, you're Gaz Wilkinson!

And girls wanna talk to you!

Gaz? Morning. Coffee's on. Who are you talking to?

I was doing my self-affirming exercises. Time for sex?

No. Sorry. I've got to get ready for work.

You said we could do it whenever we fancied now. I don't fancy it first thing with a beast of a man!

Want some toast? That'd be great.

You're odd, Gaz. What's up?

You've got these quirks I hadn't seen before. So do you!

Like what? Not wanting to have sex with your boyfriend! That's not only quirky, but barbaric!

Why'd you take the middle slice?

Can't tell you. Go on. I won't tell anybody. Why do you do it?

The others are haunted. If you eat them the ghost goes in your stomach.

Why the sheep song you sing at night? Bringing In The Sheep? That's the one.

So I don't dream about sheep.

What's wrong with dreaming about sheep? I'm scared of them.

You're scared of sheep? That's stupid! They can't harm you!

That's what they want you to think! You listened to them?

Gaaaaaz! Gaaaaaz!

Join us, Gaaaaaz! You're being silly. Talking nonsense!

It's just one of those things. You learn a lot of things when you start living together.

I'm scared of sheep. You're scared of sex! I'm not!

Why won't you do it with me, then? I will! We'll talk tonight.

Over a lamb kebab!

from your lies

I don't need you

for the first time

I know it's for real

What is that smell?

I'm desmokefying the house. Air freshener. Not that one.

Oh, it's you.

You're a catalyst of stench, aren't you?

Louise, what are you doing here? I came to see my lovely friend Jonny.

You're not my friend. You're a girl. Girls are fun, but they're also scary.

Like when you have a poo with a death-defying radius.

I am your friend.

I don't like you or respect you or want to look at you...

Don't smoke! Do you know how much I spent cleaning this carpet? No. Nothing. I used my spittle!

So don't dare smoke. Just go.

I came round for a friendly chat. Isn't it nice of me?

OK...er...

did you see the footie last night?

No, but I did watch a live circumcision on the internet.

You'd like to talk about that, wouldn't you, what with you being all male and willy-orientated!

I'd love to! That's what us men talk about all the time.

I often say to Gaz over a pint, "Gaz, how's your cock?"

Well, if you don't want to talk about that, there's always me! Look!

That's just stupid! At least if I send you a card, it trumps at you!

And he wants me to meet him. Do you think I should go?

He could be a murderer like my Auntie Nigel or...

like Prince Harry, all bad and rich with a corruptible older brother.

Louise!

D'oh! You smoke, I choke. A dog is for life, not just for Christmas, etc.

Jonny, you're supposed to guide me in the right direction!

You should just go away!

I should meet him? Just get out of my house!

Oh! That one was herbal! So what?

If you were going to be shot, would you rather be shot by a gun or a carrot?

See? It makes no difference.

Thanks, Jonny. What you're trying to say is I should go.

You've been a friend. Mwah!

Do you not listen? Not to you, no. Ciao!

Do you know what makes me angry? What? Everything.

Are you OK?

I'm perfectly pissing fine, you slag!

Janet, are you OK? Have a fag. No! You evil temptress!

Given up smoking? For the wedding! That's brave! I'm proud of you.

When I tried stopping, I turned into... Say it!

I understand.

Have some of this.

I'm so hungry. Why don't you chew gum? Why don't you?!

OK! I'll go. I can see you're in a mood!

It's the nicotine. What do you wanna talk about? Well, it's Gaz!

It's always Gaz! What - can you not live without Gaz, you stupid twat?

He has habits... Who cares?

He sings special songs to himself and it's...just odd.

That's a problem? Jonny bursts things on himself and asks me to smell them!

He gives himself little life-affirming talks every morning and he wants sex all the time.

Since you've been here, you've done this 18 times. Have I?

You do it all the time! No wonder no-one likes you! And you pull your ear lobes!

By the time you're 40, you'll look like one of Sting's tribe! Am I that annoying? Yes! We all are!

The thing about living together is to ignore the small stuff until it gives you an ulcer

and you want to murder Jonny. Forget the last bit. I have to get back. I need to get away from you,

to be honest...!

Still no luck finding a job?

No... But I got Janet to quit smoking, so that should save a bit. How long is that?

About six hours.

You're in for a treat tonight.

What do you mean? It's hard giving up. It's just a case of not lighting the cigarette!

I've done it for 20-odd years!

She's addicted, ain't she? So?

Think of something you're addicted to.

Desiccated coconut! You got any?

No...

Imagine for the rest of your life you weren't allowed to touch it, not even smell it!

Why are you saying this to me?

I'm just saying she'll probably be a moody cow for a bit.

Buy her patches or a dolly or whatever girls like. I will. I don't want it to be like the old Janet!

The old Janet? When we first moved in together, it was, "Pick up those towels!" "Wipe your nose!"

I bet she stopped having sex!

No. Why would that ever happen? I'm Jonny.

Jonny the sex donkey!

All right.

Why? Is...Donna floating the love boat down a dry river...

with a paddle made of sand?

Does that mean not having sex? Obviously!

Well, she just seems to be too tired all the time or too busy!

My wrists will be bigger than my neck if this keeps up! Bloody hell!

How long's this been going on? Over 12 hours. 12 hours?!

Nightmare! These overalls are tight anyway, but with balls like space hoppers...!

She hasn't got bored of sex, has she? What would I do if she did?

I'm scared...

I'm scared and confused... with a constant semi.

You know I'm getting patches to help Janet stop smoking? Yeah.

Maybe you should get Donna some...

you know, aids...

You ever tried any of them aids with Janet? No... Didn't you hear? I'm Jonny. Jonny the sex donkey!

Eeyore!

Ow! Louise? Hi, Donna. I was just looking for you.

I've got news of paramount importance. My life is in danger.

Oh, my God! A Spandau Ballet bomb!

Who's it from? I don't know. He wants me to meet him.

You going? I was thinking about it. He could be a psycho killer

or a Geri Halliwell fan!

Yeah! Anyways, what I was thinking is we should all go.

It's tonight and it's dangerous. So? So, I was going to have sex tonight.

This is better than sex! You and Janet hide, I'll meet him,

and if he's going to kill me, you jump out and say boo!

If only Tupac and Biggie thought of that! So, will you come? No! You should tell the police! I'm going!

If I die, my blood will be on your hands, like a terrible manicure, for ever!

You can't go on your own. Exactly! Isn't emotional blackmail fun? I'll go and tell Janet.

What's a multiple orgasm?

Must mean with two women.

One on each hand like mittens.

Jonny, what have you done to my house? It's all tidy and sweet!

I'm not a Walton! I'm scum! OK? Scum!

Janet, sweetheart... got you some patches. Really?

Aren't you a caring son of a bitch?

They might help you give up. Jonny, this is me without cigarettes. OK.

This is me with cigarettes. Why would you want me to give up?

To save money for a nice wedding because I love you. How is this saving money? These are about £30!

You can't even get a drag off them! You'll die if you keep smoking! You'll die if I don't! Just...

give the patches a try. They've got real nicotine? Yeah!

I've got one on! They're trippy. I've been sick twice.

I'll try it.

Got to go and make sure Louise don't get murdered. Why did you come back? Drop those off

and call you a sadistic... Sex donkey? Don't! I could snap you like a twig!

God, that was horny!

Tell me what's your flava?

Tell me what's your flava?

Tell me what's your flava?

Went by the name of Pecan Deluxe

HE GIGGLES

to the point of throwing up

with the Sweet Toffee Crisp but I still can't get enough

You two hide over there and I'll wait for him here.

Fine. I'm full of hate!

When he comes, try not to look conspicuous.

If he's nice, give us a signal, so I can go home for sex before my vagina eats someone!

Someone coming. Is it him? Hide!

Janet... What? Do you really think I'm irritating? I've never liked you! What about Gaz?

He thinks you're a div! I didn't have sex with him last night! What do you think? You're a frigid boot!

I'll go home, not be irritating and bang his brains out! Shut up!

Louise... I didn't know if you'd come. David?!

David Fish?

Oh, my God! I haven't seen you since school! You had that skin thing.

I discovered Oil of Ulay.

How did you get so fit? Why are you doing a silly voice?

I was in Melbourne for eight years.

- Did they send you there for killing ladies? - No. My dad lives there.

Louise...I've always remembered you with your lovely eyes...

your graceful way of spitting on my neck... That's why I sent the cards.

You see, the thing is, Louise...

Janet, stop it! He's got to go!

No, he hasn't! I don't care!

God! Is that David Fish?

And he's not crispy any more.

Is he dead?

Gaz!

I thought about...

Oh, my God!

All right, Donna? I was just having a sleep.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for... What's that oozing out your pants?

Pervert! Wait, Donna! I was waiting for you! Donna!

Donna!

Oh, man!

I kicked him in the head! He was bleeding and everything!

I was going to go for an eye gouge!

Had a better idea! Kicked him in the head again. That's nice.

And now I want rough sex and you're going to be my bitch!

Did you try those patches? No, I'm not going to. Not smoking's cool. Makes me into a fighting machine.

I could run for ever and never get tired, then kick people! Sit down. I can't! I've got rage! More pie?

No... Why...? I do! Janet, darling... Yeah?

Here. Give it to me, you shit!

Help!

Who are you? What are you doing to Gaz?

It's homoerotic! I never did it!

- Forget her! She no longer exists! - Why are you being like this?

SHE SQUEALS

At least I'd shaved!

I've touched your shaven John Craven - it makes me guts lurch!