Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

The love of my life hates me over a stupid, lager-breathed kiss.

I'm just gonna go...

If only we could fix it. You and Donna could be a rubbish couple again. Me and Jonny... Hi.

Jonny! Where have you BEEN? I'm so sorry!

My grandmother's wedding ring. And her grandmother's. Let's see. Stop!

Janet...? Oh, my God! Will you marry me?

with bubbles in it

handle anything stronger now

Where did you get this ring? Um...

I found it...lying around. Where?

In a jewellery box...

At Andy's house. What were you doing at my ex-boyfriend's house?

Stealing an engagement ring

That's illegal. Andy's really sensitive about the law.

He won't even steal from his own parents!

I can't take it back. Why not? He'll forgive you. What if he calls the police? I could go to prison.

Do you know what they'll DO to me in prison?

They'll re-educate me!

We'll just have to post it anonymously.

Good idea. You'll just have to buy me another ring. I can't afford it! Have you seen my wardrobe?

I'm not getting engaged without a ring. Well, I've not got a job.

I'm not getting married without a ring.

Married?

I thought we could just get engaged, like we did at school.

Why don't I just give you a love bite? It worked in Year 9.

No! You're gonna give Andy's ring back and get me a proper ring...

from Argos.

Where's my ring? Andy... Don't make me come down there!

Uh... She's got it! No, I haven't!

What? I thought we were christening the van? Maybe later.

No, listen... We've done it in the pub, we've done it in the doctor's,

we've done it in your sleep... Gaz!

This was nearly the last place on my card. What card? This card.

I feel suitably violated. Thank you

You see...we still have to have sex here at work, somewhere foreign,

and somewhere purple.

We did it on that kebab, once. That was foreign. Nice one! Yes.

So, we've done it in all these places. What's wrong with my van? What's wrong? Yeah. Well...

Gaz. What? It's him.

I need my ring back. It was for Mother's Day...for dear Mamma.

"Dear Mamma." You went out with him? He talks like a Hallmark card.

He's very sensitive. What's the last thing you gave your mum for Mother's Day? A black eye.

And God knows, the bitch was asking for it!

Andy would never hit his mother.

That's why our love is fatter and bouncier than yours! Jonny doesn't hit women. Watch.

Oh, dear Mamma! See?

Janet, can I just have my ring? Seeing you's been painful enough.

I know, she's a sight!

No... I just...

I just think I need some "me" time.

Andy, you're so beautifully self-obsessed!

Andy, just take it. You should go now.

Me and Jonny have to talk. Yeah!

I'M going to marry her!

What...?

Thank God he's gone. I thought I was gonna catch the gay.

You're forgetting you proposed and I want a ring. How will he get you a ring without a job?

You see - SHE understands me.

Unless he gets you a ring out of a Kinder egg.

She understands me MUCH too well!

Thanks for ruining that one!

Louise, why did you bring Andy here?

I love him. You don't! You've only known him a few days.

He's perfect. He's got a Lexus. And a big willy.

Janet! I'm petite!

You're scaring me!

Hiya! He's said that four times, now. Who is he? Hiya!

Do you need help? He's a pervert. He was watching us.

I weren't watching. I was LISTENING...

with my eyes.

Am I supposed to know you? I'm Munch. I work here.

No, you don't. I do! You don't. I do!

I've never even seen you!

Hiya!

Stop it. I brought my CV, like Mr Wilkinson said.

Oh! My dad. He gave you a job?

Yes. I think he loves me...SIR!

Just call me Gaz. Let's have a look.

"I'm special." I'm special!

What does that mean? Exactly what it says on the tin!

Anyway, where do I start? Does SHE need any fine tuning?

My God, Gaz - his eyes, his eyes!

Wait - my dad definitely gave you a job? Yes. What with us being family.

W-What do you mean, "family"? We're relatives.

I would say that was a SPECIAL gene pool.

I'm not related to YOU! Didn't Mr Wilkinson tell you?

We're brothers!

Yes, Mr Redfern - it is solid gold. And solid diamondique.

I'm sure you're sorry you failed me in chemistry, you hairy wanker!

Thank you for coming!

Why, it's Anthony Heller!

You dumped me in Year 9 for Sarah Christian. And who's this ugly slag?

It's old Sarah! Chew on my diamond, bitch!

OH! Is that the ring that Jonny bought you?

Oh, it's so...tacky...

It's so...you.

I made this out of foil. I think it's still got fish in it.

Ugh... Jonny still not got a job yet?

No, and it's none of your business.

Ooh, touchy! Ashamed that your boyfriend's a big, sucky sponge?

SHE SLURPS

That's what he does with our taxes. I'm not ashamed. You don't pay tax.

I graduate in six months and I will then.

Then, every time I look at Jonny, I'll go...slu-u-u-urp!

Janet, I don't mean to be funny,

but I couldn't stand going out with someone who could buy me things or improve the way we live.

Jonny can improve things.

He found some sprouts in a gutter, once. One looked like Stephen Gately.

A sprout? When Andy buys me dinner, I'm ordering foie gras.

Andy won't mind because he's rich, rich, rich! What's...FAR GRAR?

You know... It's that thing with the stuff...

Rich, rich, rich!

So what if Andy's rich? It doesn't make him better than Jonny. Hmm... Can Jonny speak other languages?

His favourite word is "extra mozzarella" - it's Italian.

Right... and does Jonny have a big car.

That Lexus is just a penis extension and Jonny HAS one of those!

Can he buy you an meal with champagne and candlelight?

He set fire to a bottle of Smirnoff Ice once. Molotov for the ladies.

I do pity you sometimes, Janet. Imagine if you'd stayed with Andy.

YOU could be going out for lunch, instead of...

What are you having for dinner? The Gately sprout.

Oh, dear. Louise, just get out.

I wanted to gloat! Task finished. Now go and have your lovely dinner!

Lunch! You call it lunch at midday...if you're upper class.

When's dinner? At night. That's tea. No, tea's in the afternoon.

You're confusing me. Leave! Ooh, jealous! I'll think of you tucking into your Gately sprout.

GreatBye! Ciao! Oh, how much do I love saying that word? GET OUT!

Ooh! Hello, my little treasure!

Shouldn't drink that at this time.

Yes, we've passed the yardarm. Let's hit the amaretto!

Mum! A woman can get lonely sometimes, Donna. You'll find that out one day.

I bought you that Vibro Bear to be getting on with.

He's no company, even on the grizzly setting.

What are you doing in my kitchen? Do you need feeding? No. There's a fish stick with your name on it.

No, it's Gaz. He's having some family problems. Oh, gossip! I'm all ears!

It's not gossip. He's really upset.

This lad called Munch turns up at the garage. Why's he called Munch?

If it's for good reasons, send him round.

This lad turns up at the garage claiming to be his half-brother.

If he looks like Gaz, still send him round. Can you imagine how he feels?

Must be upsetting finding out you have relatives you never knew.

Mum, what's the matter?

Nothing.

Your father's a good man. I never said he wasn't.

He was just away a lot. What do you mean? Nothing.

But if you ever meet a young girl with brown hair called Su Yin, pay no attention.

We live in the 21st century, now. Families are like that. Like what?

Bits of kids hanging off everywhere. A Donna here, a Chu Ong Lee there. I hold no truck with it.

What do you mean? Men stuck it anywhere in the '70s. We had to wear legwarmers to catch the drips.

Where are you going? I said I'd go to Janet's for a cup of tea.

All right, love. See you later.

Hey, kiss your mother before you go.

You smell like a brewery. Lorry drivers seem to like it.

CAT MEWS

CAT SCREECHES

ENGINE DROWNS SPEECH

Oh, I'm so confused, Donna!

First I was excited... What about? Then the money... What?

I spoke to Louise and I feel uncertain about it all! What's happened? It's Jonny.

You're not still rowing? It's worse than that.

WORSE? How?

He's asked me to marry him. You're getting married?

That's BRILLIANT. If I was more of a girl,

I'd be doing this round about now. SHE SCREAMS

That's helpful.

Did you have to go to, like, barmaid school?

Cos I was no good at school. A job like this would just bust my brain.

There's so much to think about. You know...

Peanuts...lager...customers...

..Other types of peanuts...

A pint, please. The maddest thing's happened. What?

I've got a half-brother. My dad's just given him a job at the garage.

What? I know! There was a job going?

That's besides the point. I've got this little brother I never knew!

Bloody hell, that is... So, what did you do?

I had it out with my dad. He said it happened with this other woman when I was little. Are you angry?

Yeah... He cheated on my mum, me and the whole family.

That's cool, that's fine... It's just...

It's this lad. You should see him. He's a complete...yoghurt.

Isn't it a bit major that your dad's got an illegitimate son? Not really.

Mum said that I was illegitimate at school. No, Gaz - you were ILLITERATE at school.

I don't mind about my dad. I've caught my mum with other people.

Honest to God?

Yes! I walked into the bedroom once, and there was a bloke in a gimp mask with a feather up his arse.

I tell you now, that weren't my dad! How do you know it wasn't...?

IT WASN'T MY DAD! All right. All right.

It's just embarrassing having this complete monkey spunker related to me.

Yeah, I suppose.

If you were me - the dolphin of sex town - wouldn't you be ashamed?

I can only dream of being the watery winkle of whelk town.

At least you get it. So, what you gonna do?

I'll tell my dad I'm not working with someone that can't tie his own Velcro. Good!

Or someone who calls his penis Mr Diddly Pee!

Gaz... You call your penis Mr Nudge.

You and me can look for work together. How come you want a job? You never have before.

It's just I asked Janet to marry me yesterday...

..Gaz?

You OK?

Deep breaths, Gaz, come on... Come on.

Sorry, man. Great news.

Gaz, we're not getting married straight away.

Really? There's loads of stuff to sort out first.

Stuff? Yeah. Like dresses and scary children with their baskets of petals and eyes of Satan?

No! No, no, not yet. Not that stuff, no.

What, then? Janet won't even get engaged till I've got a job. No?

No. CONGRATULATIONS, LAD! Norma, crack open the Tia Maria!

She won't marry you until you get a job? No, unless I grow a beard.

All women love a beard. Except Anne Robinson - she hates hers.

I'd love someone to propose to me. What, anyone?

Yeah... As long as they didn't smack me about too much, or... were pointlessly hairy, yeah.

What about Jonny - if you were me? Do you love him? Course I do.

Then, yeah. But he's not got a job. What will he contribute? He's got his dole and disability.

That'll stop when that thing falls out his armpit. Is it still there?

Mmm... It started to shrink, but then Jonny was clever and stuck a dirty compass in it till it wept.

Is it so important? You've got the rest of your lives to get money.

I know, but... What about my ring? I want my ring!

A ring or money's not what's important. As long as you love each other, you can make it work.

You're so full of bollocks today.

That was amazing!

I'm stuffed. AND rich - stuffed and rich!

I don't talk about money. Like the Queen. You must be bucketed!

I don't want to talk about it. Shh...!

"Am being spoiled. Am nearly trophy wife...

"Just need Sun-In."

Send.

Destination?

Louise!

MOBILE BLEEPS

Ah...

The bill!

Yes, the bill!

Well, then...

See you!

Andy!

ANDY!

Andy!

Oh! Hi, Louise. That cost £150. Yeah? Thanks, it were great, that.

I'm nearly £8,000 in debt. Shh!

Don't talk money, remember?

Oh, my God! Look at him!

She's a beauty, sir! You're a lucky man!

How would you like a date with me, sweetheart? Hmm, let me think.

Would she like a date with YOU? NO! Because you're a filthy tramp!

Andy! Oh, no offence.

Only my cheque hasn't come through. I'm a bit short this week.

You know how it is, mate.

Andy, just have one piece of generosity in you and give the smelly man some money.

Louise... I'll deal with this.

AH!

ANDY!

It's...! Oh, God... I would help,

but you're practically made of scabs.

OW! How does that keep happening?

Where's my dad? He's in the office with a client. I'm in charge of Rodney Wrench and Clive.

Who's Clive? He's a can of WD-40.

What are you doing with this engine? I'm fixing it. Watch! No, this is a scrapper.

ENGINE STARTS How did you do that? Munch magic!

No, really? Easy. It's a dizzy cap letting in the wet that comes from the sky. You mean rain?

That's the stuff. But that's... Munch magic!

I've been fixing cars since I was this big. Since August.

Want to share my baguette? No... What have you got?

Chipsticks and brown sauce. Well, they are my favourite.

Here. Cheers.

My God! These are AMAZING!

I use old bread. Yeah?

How long did Dad say he'd be? Dunno. Wanna watch telly?

Haven't got a telly.

How have you afforded that? I stole it! Munch magic!

What films have you got? I've got Bonk Till You Cronk,

or The Legend Of Damp Girls.

Shall I give Dad a knock, tell him you're here?

No... Let's just wait for a bit.

Welcome to the family, lad!

Have you decided what you're gonna do?

Everything was OK until he asked me to marry him. Then it all went tits-up. Just like Mills and Boon.

You can go out with someone forever,

but if you're asked if you want to spend forever with them and never shag anyone else, it's difficult.

Dame Barbara couldn't have put it better, God rest her!

Janet! Janet! I'm so sorry!

Are you OK? I was so wrong about Andy. He's not rich.

He has lots of cash and a flash car. Will we send him a food parcel?

It's not like that. He made me pay for a big three-course meal AND coffee.

I mean, frappuccino!

My favourite's a mocha-bocca-chitto decaf.

And we saw a homeless guy. Do you know what he did? What?

He ran over his foot! I had to leave!

You didn't help him? Well... I could have caught tramp's disease.

Oh, yes - hobo-berculosis.

I was wrong. He's only rich because he doesn't buy anything.

I know. That's why we're so skint. Don't you get it?

We've got huge credit card bills.

I know I shouldn't have got the robotic udder, but it brings me joy.

Donna, I'm so sorry. Why? What's happened?

I went everywhere for a job, but no-one would have me.

The animal rendering plant said I smelt too bad. Shame.

We can't have a McDonald's tea tonight. But it's tradition!

What happened to the fiver from your nan?

It was weird. I was walking past this restaurant.

There's this scruffy guy clutching his foot all...painful-ised.

I gave him a fiver for a taxi to hospital. You're sweet!

But then he spat at me and hobbled into the off-licence. So, I wasted it. Sorry.

You did the right thing. Looks like this engagement's on hold forever.

No.

Here...

Jonny, I'd really love you to marry me!

Oh, Janet!

Of course I will, yeah.

But I'm not comfortable having my finger in this greasy ring.

WHAT?

What? I don't want a smoking wife.

I don't want you at the altar coughing blood and phlegm at me.

I'll quit...tomorrow.

I am your prince. Here is my mighty sword!

I've got news. My life is in danger.

SHEEP can't harm you. That's what they WANT you to think!

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