Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

I've heard that "Listen, Janet" line before and I know where it leads...

Burying my dog is more important than you being unfaithful!

She's right. Come on, Louise, let's take care of this first.

That everything? Yeah, from Mum's. My clothes are at Janet and Jon's.

Mum's got my collection of bulbous fruit. You collect them, as well?! Amazing! Where do you keep yours?

I don't because it's sad.

We'll have to establish some ground rules. You can't bring handicapped fruit into the house!

I don't want rules to live by. I pay half the rent. I can do what I want.

Don't you think that's selfish? ..Yeah.

Don't you think that also gives me licence to do what I like? I suppose so.

I'm capable of far more disgusting things than you. You do wipe your knob on the curtains after sex.

So life will be easier for us both if there's a bit of give and take.

I won't bring the fruit if you stop the crusty curtains act.

Donna, that's just the beginning. What else? I'm perfect to live with in every other way.

You smoke! It's part of who I am - it's in my blood. And in your hair and in your clothes. You stink!

You smell like a big rancid pond.

At least I know how I'm gonna die.

Don't smoke in the flat. Not even in the bathroom? No! If I've had curry, we could end up in Wigan!

I'll go out on the fire escape to smoke. Good.

Compromise is good. We're a good couple. As long as you go out there to fart.

You can't ask me to do that! It'll take the fun out of it!

What about in winter? It'd freeze on its way out! I'd have an icicle stuck out me arse! It would melt.

The neighbours downstairs would think I was a bloody weirdo!

This is getting us nowhere. I've got an idea. What?

We'll each write a list. What kind of list? Like a list of demands - annoying habits we want rid of.

Won't it highlight the flaws in our relationship?

We'll see which ones we agree on. And the others, we compromise on.

From that little acorn, a mighty oak of a relationship will grow.

Gaz... Yeah? You been reading my Woman's Own?

Well, it's them cover stories!

"Mother and daughter together at last." "My breasts are trying to kill me." I thought it was porn!

I know you're awake. You're not breathing like a rhinoceros.

Jonny, can we talk about this?

You shagged an ex-boyfriend while I was dying. What else is there?

Unless you have more secrets. Have you buggered a baby seal with a dinorod recently?!

I wasn't shagging my ex-boyfriend. You were being much more public!

Just shoved your tongue down his throat in front of my best mate! Classy! It wasn't like that!

He shoved his tongue down MY throat! All is forgiven! Let's go to the Mardi Gras!

You weren't dying - you had stomach flu.

And you had to find someone else! Are you that insatiable you can't go without it for 5 minutes?

Jonny, please... You must be in heat. What are you up to today? Baring your arse to lorry drivers?

Or will you nip to Tesco's and hump a trolley dolly?

Let's talk about this, can we? No, drink your tea. Try not to orgasm all over it.

Jonny, please! Just listen! We need to talk it through!

Can't. I've got another pointless job interview

where I'll be passed over for some arsehole with a Saab.

It's a Lexus. What?

He's got a Lexus.

I'm sorry, Janet, I might be mistaken, but did you just kick me in the bollocks?

Cos that's how it felt! I'm sorry. Honestly, I am! Sorry you cheated on me or sorry I found out?

Both! You wouldn't have found out. It wouldn't have happened again.

Not unless I was drunk. You were drunkThat's why it happened?

Yes! Yes, I was drunk and I thought he was YOU! A rich version of you!

So you'll never touch another drink? No.

Not even a half of cold Stella on a hot summer's day?

The gentle breeze blowing through your hair and, as you lift it to your lips...

you'll say... "No, no, for I am Janet.

"I will not drink this filth as it turns me into a big, filthy tart!"

OK! OK, I wasn't drunk.

So you fancied him and thought you'd throw away three years with me for a pathetic snog! No!

You're right, it was pathetic. It didn't mean anything! He didn't even feel my bum! ..I'm going out.

Please just wait a minute!

I've gotta think. I don't know what to do. See you later.

Don't try and kiss me! I'd rather kiss a salty old condom!

MOBILE PHONE PLAYS "COUNTDOWN" THEME

Boooo!

Janet, what do you want?

I'm working really hard trying to look busy.

Oh, that Jonny business!

That was just too funny!

Don't call me a haemorrhoid!

Well, I can't come over. I told you, I'm busy.

HYSTERICAL WAILING Janet...

..stop shouting, you're in a library!

Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

What was that noise?

I was just clearing my throat. Nothing to be concerned about, love, I'm not dying. Not yet.

- What are you talking about? - Most parents die when their children fly the roost.

I could be on my way out. You've still got two kids here.

They don't count! They lead their own lives. I rely on you for company.

Sat there, smoking your pipe, watching Emmerdale.

I've never smoked a pipe. You're thinking of Granddad.

Happen I am. You're very similar.

Mum, I'm not like Granddad.

He's 70 years old, he hates women, and he's dead.

Maybe, love, maybe. But loneliness does strange things to a woman.

You can talk to Gran.

I don't wanna hang round with my flamin' mother! It's too sad for words! That's what YOU do!

Get the rest of your stuff, love? Yes, Donna, you go.

Enjoy your youth while you can cos when it's gone, it's gone.

I'll just sit here and rot.

Get a hobby, join a group.

Those friendship groups are full of one-eyed freaks called Colin.

Go to church. They've got loads of events - Christmas...and Easter.

They've probably got loads more since I last went.

These yours? What's in them?

They'll be full of large pants and dildos.

I don't own sex toys. Aw, I put that on my list! That I wasn't allowed any? Which ones to bring!

What's this about a list? We're making a list of demands. It won't work!

- Why not? - His will be blow jobs, yours'll be hoovering.

You're obsessed with suction! You can't make demands on each other.

You have to sort of drift through a relationship... compromising on the way.

If we set down the rules, we'll never argue.

We'll have nothing to argue about. If we disagree, we check the list.

- So...say it's Sunday morning. - Right.

And Gary has been out on Saturday night. Of course.

Not every Saturday night. Yes, of course.

I thought we could go to the pictures sometimes. What for?! To see a film?!

No, to spit at the old and infirm

My Saturdays are my Saturdays! You can't take them away! I can if I write it on the list.

I wrote it first!

No, you didn't! Look at that!

Gaz, that says "Mmm pff nff gff."

It's shorthand. You don't know shorthand! I make it up, stupid!

And so it begins!

Think Jonny's going to dump you? Would you? In an instant.

Look at the state of you!

I'm a mess, aren't I? Jonny's never gonna want me back.

Cheer up, Janet, there's plenty more freaks in the circus.

Louise, you're supposed to be helping me!

Jonny wouldn't know about Andy if it wasn't for you and your big fat gob! I do not have a big fat gob!

I have delicate bee-stung lips! Louise, you're not helping!

You should thank me! I might have saved you from a life of squalor! We don't live in squalor.

Janet, most people's carpets aren't made of food.

Can't you see what'll happen? Course I can!

You and Jonny will break up, then you can hang around me - fetching me things and buying me gifts.

My life will be complete. It's perfect!

No, Louise, if Jonny breaks up with me, Gaz'll take his side.

Donna will take Gaz's side because I can't shag her in the same way.

You'll have to take my side and we won't see them any more and my world will fall apart.

I can't be YOUR friend cos you split us up in the first place! This is awful...in a bad way!

I know. That's why I've gotta get Jonny back!

Well, that, and the fact that... I love him.

This is so unfair. Why did I have to tell him? I don't know.

Maybe it's because, deep down, I don't really like you.

And, if you and Jonny break up, I won't have to see you again.

Really? Don't worry, Janet, I'll get you back together!

Then we can go back to pretending to like each other again!

Pint, please. All right, Jon?

Brilliant. My girlfriend's snogging other blokes, I've had the worst interview of my life,

and I've lost one of my shoes.

Life couldn't get better. No! Hold on, here comes a fat bloke called Barry to sit on my face!

How have you lost a shoe? I threw it at a small child. Why?

Cos it was looking at me funny. Donna's all moved in!

I'm celebrating. Shouldn't you celebrate together? She's celebrating by making my tea!

What are you having? Dunno. I imagine it'll be a pie of some sort. Can I come?

Things still not great?

What would YOU do, if you caught your girlfriend playing the...sex violin...

..with someone else's...bow?

You didn't catch her, I did. ..Did she look like she was enjoying it?

I'm not gonna tell you! So she was enjoying it.

How can I tell that? Was she...smiling?

While she was kissing? ..I don't think so. She'd chip her teeth.

Did she look like she was really into him? They were kissing!

For a long time? Not by MY standards! Oh, God!

I do remember one thing. Yeah? She pulled away from him. And?

And then she vomited. Did she?

Yeah. Then she went "Ughhh!" really loudly.

What did he do then? He went...

.."Well, that's how the mummy bird feeds the chicks."

I was nearly believing you then.

It was the chicks that did it, wasn't it?

Would you dump Donna? Like a shot!

Really? Yeah, but I've got more chance of getting a girlfriend. Yeah, true.

So should I just...forgive her?

Let it strain through my memory like a pan of infidelity stew?

You can't forget some bloke's hands all over her! You never said his hands were all over her!

I didn't mean... Just her top half. What, over her tits?! They're mine!

More like her back. Not her back, just the back of her head.

He had both his hands on the back of her head?! He had small hands. I'm never gonna get over this.

Why, Jonny?! Why, why, why?! Louise, what is up with you?

This is the end of everything, everything I've come to rely on, everything I need to be stable.

This is you stable? It's nothing to do with you, it's between me and Janet. Don't be so selfish!

Think how it'll affect ME! How? It don't affect me!

Oh, but it will. Donna's Janet's best friend. So?

So she'll take HER side and you'll take Jonny's, then the cracks will show and you'll split up, as well.

Then you'd avoid each other, then you'd all get new partners.

Well, except for you, Jonny. Hey!

When I'd meet you in the street, I'd have to do this face

cos I'd pity you and I don't like feeling pity.

Pity is for the weak... and the ugly.

So really this is all about YOU. Obviously.

That's incredibly selfish. Obviously.

You're not a complete dickhead. I know.

You've given me an idea. One where we can all stay together and Jonny gets to do everything his own way.

You'll forgive her? I knew it would

Tell Donna to shove THAT up her arse!

I do all the time. It never works.

Laters!

So what's your idea, then?

How was Janet when you left her today?

Um...pretty bad, I guess. I think she'd been crying, but she's always snotty-eyed in the morning.

She'd do anything to make herself feel better. Yeah, I would.

I'd buy myself a lovely big cake.

You see how it can work for you? I can get her to buy me a cake?

You can get her to do anything! Cos it'd make her feel better?

Exactly! And I wouldn't have to do anything? Yep!

She could be my slave! I could get her to walk around naked!

Can I come?

No, mate, I don't think she'd like... Yes! Yes, you can!

I'll show her!

See? Everything works out with a little petty-minded vengeance. And I can still have that cake.

How was your interview?

It was fine. Do you think you got the job?

Can you get me a can? Yeah, course.

I didn't want this one.

Oh, did you want a soft drink? Sorry. No...I wanted a Stella. Just not this one. OK.

Is that one any better?

We'll see.

No.

I made lasagne. I want egg butties. They're my favourite. You know that.

We'd no eggs. I thought you'd like a hot meal. I put in extra garlic in case anyone wanted to snog me.

I want egg butties. That's all I could possibly eat. OK...I'll go to the shop.

Don't go yet. I've run you a bath. I peeled the mould off the towels.

Well done. It'll be cold now so you'll have to draw me a fresh one. OK, in a minute.

Can we have a chat first?

Janet, till my mood is made better by some act of God, I don't really want to speak to you at all!

Not at all? Shh!

Now you may go to the shop...

..and, while you're gone, I'm going to watch loads of rude ladies dancing on the telly! Ha!

What are you writing?

I'm aware of how pleasing eggs are.

No, it's for the shopkeeper!

Did I say you could talk? Jonny, you can't stop me talking.

I can make you do anything until I've forgiven you! Denis Thatcher made his missus run the country!

The least you can do is shut up! I don't want to.

Don't you want to please me?

Of course! But I'm not gonna shut up till you decide you're happy!

We've got to talk this through. Well, maybe I don't want to talk, maybe I want to watch...

..the Power Puff Girls!

Yes, let's see what they're up to.

I don't wanna be around you when you're like this!

I don't want to be around you when you're a big old, slappy whore! That's right, a whore!

A whore? Kissing some bloke once does not make me a prossie!

I can't do this any more! You're being horrible!

If you're not gonna talk to me, I'm leaving...to find someone who will talk to me!

SHE SOBS

She's gone to get eggs.

GORILLAZ

for long/ The future's coming on

TURNS DOWN MUSIC All right? Where's your list?

You first. I'm embarrassed! A list of demands - it's like I'm telling you what I don't like about you.

We're mature. No such thing as a perfect couple.

Apart from Chris Evans and Billie. Sat in a pub getting pissed with an 18-year-old!

It's standard stuff. Should I just say it? Ready to be insulted. Give it your best shot.

I don't want you bringing girls back.

..Not a problem.

Not even if you say you found them and they followed you home. ..OK.

Clean the bathroom after you've used it. Plugs unblocked, sinks rinsed.

More like cleaning the pebbledash off the back of the toilet. Don't tell me it's art. OK, what else?

I want our home to be clean. If you put away your personal stuff, I'll do the housework.

I love you!

In addition to all other sexual duties, you will agree to three sessions of oral sex per week.

I love you!

For me, Gaz, not for you.

All right. That sounds reasonable. What else?

That's about it. Split all bills and cost-of-living equally.

OK, thanks. So what about your list or did I cover everything in mine?

Not quite.

It doesn't take this long to get eggs.

OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS Where have you been?

Where's Janet? Oh...um...

She went to talk to someone. I thought she was with you.

No. I need to talk to her.

Then if she's not with you, she's with... Oh, bollocks!

Double bollocks. Yeah, that's usually how they come.

Do you think she's with Andy? Nnnngggh!

You didn't let me finish... Nnnnn-nnnnghhh! What do you want to see her for?

Nothing.

I'll go. I'll go back to Mum's. She can't have changed my room into a Tantric sex temple yet.

Stay for a bit. You can crash here if you want. You want a beer? Yes.

Do you really think she's coming back? Donna, how many times do I have to say "Nnnghhh!"

Hi.

Look, before you say anything, I'm only here to see if you'll let me spend the night.

Somewhere to put my head down while me and Jonny get sorted. I don't want anything funny...

Will you help me?

Shall we call the police? Nah, she'll be all right.

She'll just be in a ditch somewhere...asleep.

Or with Andy. Gosh, Donna, you truly are a supreme help

Why'd she go off, anyway? Cos I'm horrible and I don't have a Lexus.

Gaz is the really horrible one.

Made this massive list of demands on me. What like?

I have to speak in a Japanese accent on Wednesdays... Why?

No idea. I think he went a bit power mad.

What else? I have to refer to him always as "Grand Master Ramrod".

That's unreasonable. Exactly.

I can't grow extra limbs so I've no idea what Rule 38 was about.

I did the same. Made demands on Janet. Now she's left me.

I can't believe she got off with Andy. I'm really angry with her. I know.

It's made me question everything. We were together three years, and she's so...

And I was so nasty and...

Jonny, come here.

Don't worry. Gaz is the really horrible one. You're not on your own there, mate.

You're both complete wankers.

You have nice breasts.

What?

Er...I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did. You said I had really nice breasts.

I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to. Not that they aren't nice.

I mean, they're very perky and...

..friendly.

Now, that WOULD be stupid.

Yes, yes. Yes, it would.

You do have nice baps, though.

Stop it.

Hi, Donna, it's Louise!

Since you've been screening your calls, I want you to know I'll be knocking on your door

in five...four...three... two...one! Now!

Ooh! Hi, Gaz! Is your missus home?

Louise... LOUISE GASPS

Janet evil! Sleeps with everyone!

Poor Jonny! Janet evil! Sleeps with everyone!

Gaz...naked...and wet...

..and a bit sexy!

Oh, Louise, stop it! Ahhh!

Janet evil! Evil!

Gaz...! Oh, no!

Janet? Oh...it's just you.

I know where she's gone and who she's sleeping with!

We all had that one figured. You all right?

What sort of sick freaks are you?!

Stop staring at me like that, you perverts!

Jonny's vanished, Donna has vanished. We're all alone.

Yep, we're all alone!

Alone and horny!

You can knock on his door, then when he answers - bang, bang! -

I shoot him in the head!

Great shower. Yeah. Could tell you liked it from what I saw.