Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

How could you let this happen?

I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.

Jonny?

Mm? I'm not pregnant.

Oh, thank fuck for that.

You know the situation that Janet found herself in? Well, nearly.

Yeah?

Well, I just think you should know... Hold on.

I've a surprise for you. Have you?

Wait there.

with bubbles in it

I can't handle anything stronger now

Janet?

Janet?

Janet?

Why is that tree attacking our house?

Janet!

Janet!

GLASS SMASHES

That's Donna.

Should we approach her? Well...

Aaaaagh!

Aaagh! Gaz!

Gaz! Gaz!

Gaz! What's the matter? Why have you been crying?

Why was Gaz naked? Why didn't I get a proper look?

Janet, it's awful.

Come on. You'd better come in.

Gaz! Gaz!

Gaz, will you stop?

What's wrong? What's the matter with you?

Cover yourself up. You'll get frostbite in your nipples.

They'll drop off. You'll look like Action Man.

What's wrong? You found out Janet isn't pregnant. I was happy, but I didn't run off in my undercrackers.

I found out the exact opposite. Janet IS pregnant? No! Donna is.

Technically, that's not the exact opposite.

Did you hear what I said? I know Donna's pregnant and everything, but... Oh, bugger.

There. A cup of tea will sort you.

Janet, I'm in serious trouble.

Why? Been caught shoplifting?

Yeah, but that was years ago.

What, then? YOU'RE not pregnant, are you?

Bingo.

Oh, bugger.

She's definitely pregnant?

I think so. She's definitely hinting at it.

Well...maybe she's faking it to get you to marry her.

How is she going to fake being pregnant? I don't know. She could eat lots of pies for nine months.

Right. On her due date, she takes a huge dump on the delivery table.

"It appears Mr Kipling's the father."

Or she could hide her periods from you. Where? In the fridge?

That's one black pudding you don't want to come across.

Or she could just wear really big pants. Giganta-Pants. I could start marketing them.

What are you talking about?

If Janet really was pregnant, then I'd have to, you know...

Stop sponging off society.

I was going to say "get a job".

You haven't got any qualifications. I have a degree in fun and a master's in hellraising.

Frigging fool.

Well, YOUR girlfriend's up the duff.

What is a duff?

I'm not sure. I think it's a cross between a puff and a duck.

A gay mallard? "Your girlfriend's up the gay mallard" doesn't have the same ring.

You have to talk to Gaz. Have you tried talking to Gaz?

It's a series of grunts and farts before he falls asleep. Sounds like sex to me.

We never got round to the talking thing.

What do you use? Semaphore? No.

I go to his flat and we do it and I have a cheese barm and he cleans up the whipped cream and I go home.

So all you do is have sex? Yeah.

And he does all the cleaning? Yeah. You don't have to watch football? No.

You lucky wanker.

Rock me, Amadeus!

Aaagh!

Get off me, man! YOU get off ME!

God, am I that irresistible, eh?

You cuddled me. Your hair smells of macadamia nuts. Very inviting.

Oh, Gaz! You're cuddly, like a bear.

Stop it. All right, a heterosexual bear with claws and a moustache.

Gaz! Let's forget this happened.

We've both got girlfriends. This is a sleepy accident.

Right. OK. Sweetie.

Get off! I say we've both got girlfriends.

Yours ran away cos you're a baby.

You haven't got a job. I'll get one. Where?

What I need is something physical, yet creative. Challenging, yet...

bootelicious.

You're going to strip, aren't you?

You won't get a job. You love Kilroy and Watercolour Challenge too much.

You won't phone Donna cos you like being a cowardy custard too much.

Why do you think I should phone her? When I thought Janet was pregnant, I ignored it and it went away.

I'd say that's a good rule for most problems. Sounds good to me.

KNOCK AT DOOR It's Donna.

Hide me, Jonny. Jonny, hide me.

Get in there. Don't be stupid, man!

I can't have this baby. It's gonna ruin my life.

Donna, think about the benefits. Yeah. Love, satisfaction, pride.

No, the benefits. Child benefit, family credit, dole, housing benefit. That's just wrong.

No, we've given plenty to our country. With tax on fags and beer, it's time we got summat back.

I'll talk to my mum. There's a council house with your name on it. Inside bog if you have twins. Good.

And if the twins are by different fathers, the sky's the limit. Nice.

Gaz! I know you're in there.

Your pheromones are interfering with me.

Ow!

All right, Louise? Hello, Jonny. Hand, please.

The poverty! What do you want, Louise?

I came to see Donna. Is she here?

No, she's not. Oh. You'll do, then.

I had this weird dream last night that Donna had a baby...

What? You're psychic. Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Man, that's well scary. The baby was cute, wasn't it?

It had the head of a walrus.

It's not mine. Donna's done it with marine life behind my back.

This has happened before. I knew my gift would return,

ever since I was 13

and I dreamt I saw cornflakes and milk and there was an overpowering smell of ammonia.

So? Well...

the next morning I awoke, drifted down for breakfast,

and on the table was cornflakes. And guess what else.

Kriss Akabusi? No.

Milk.

What about the smell of ammonia? My great aunt was visiting.

She's always pissing herself. Such a character.

You've really done it this time.

I know. I've failed you.

No, you've done it. I thought you were a virgin. Well done.

Mum...? Hey.

I bet he's into S & M. I could lend you my rubber catsuit. You'd have to disinfect it.

Did you not hear what I said? I'm pregnant.

Did you not hear what I said? It's rubber. It'll stretch to full term. This is deadly serious.

I need you to be there for me.

What do you think of my hair? Mum!

All right. It is lovely, though, isn't it?

Right... Do you know your due date?

I've not seen the doctor. You need to know for when your waters break.

Really? Oh, yeah. That Wimpey's still got a "slippery floor" sign up 22 years after. Ew, Mum...

And never trust the salad bar. They might have a sneeze guard but it's no match for embryotic fluid.

Wooooooo...

Woooo...

Woooooo...

THEY IMITATE HER

Hiya. Hi. Ssh. What are you all doing? Gaz, why aren't you with Donna?

Come and see. Come here. Louise, do it again. This is amazing.

Oh, God, is she going to dance? Ssh.

Last night I dreamt that Donna was pregnant.

My God, how did you know that?

I'm psychic. I often suspected I was ever since an old gypsy woman touched my face and said that I was gifted.

That was my nan. And she didn't say you were gifted, she said you were a git.

She IS psychic. Louise, predict next week's Lottery numbers. Yeah.

That is one thing us psychics cannot do.

Why's that? Because it's 14 million to one odds. Christ, are you thick?

I'll prove it.

Louise, tell me what I'm thinking.

You dirty Gertie! See? All right, Louise, what am I thinking?

That you should really stop being such a scruffy tramp and get yourself a bloody job, you big scav.

See? The spirits work in strange ways.

You're gonna get a job? I've got this idea...

Shut up. What did Donna say to you? About what? About go-karts

The spirits are telling me he's asking about the baby, Janet.

And are these spirits called "duh" and "obviously", Louise?

Did she say anything about me?

You're the father. She's sure? She could have sat on something.

No, Gaz, she didn't say anything about sitting on an ejaculating man.

Did she say what she's going to do? You don't know? She's the woman.

Yeah, and you're the man. That's pronounced, "you da man".

Gaz... She's had to go to her mum for support on this one.

God, can you remember the last time you communicated with Donna? Yeah, I remember the exact conversation.

I said, "Yes." And she said, "Yes, yes."

Then I said, "Oh, baby, yes."

Then she said, "Yes." Then I rebuttalled with, "Yes."

Then she said, "Yes...yes...yes!" And I said,

"Pass the tissues." She said, "Yes."

Not the deepest of relationships.

Have you ever taken her on a date? No, but she's never taken me on one.

Equality card! Well played, Gaz. Jonny, time you did the ironing.

Damn you, equality card. Jonny, wait!

I have a message for you from the other side. Oh, yeah?

It's about your job. I see you dressed in a black suit.

There is a crowd around you.

People are giving you money and your face is solemn and ashen.

What? Like a bank manager?

No, no, hold on. I think I know what Louise is saying.

Yeah. The spirits have spoken and I must follow.

You big tosser.

Gaz, go and see Donna.

Why? You've got to get to know the mother of your child better.

You big tosser.

Once you could smoke in front of pregnant women. Not now.

My mother smoked through pregnancy. Never did her any harm. Mum, you've got six toes on each foot.

How long does this thing take?

Two minutes. One line for "no" and two for "yeah". You're pregnant. I can see.

The pregnancy glow already?

No, your ankles are puffy. They need draining or shooting or something.

Mum? Like grapefruits on a knitting needle. Test's ready. Have a look.

No way. I've had nothing to do with your urine for 20 years. Fine!

I can't tell.

Oh, let's see.

No, I can't, either. That could be a water line.

Yeah. Or you could be a BIT pregnant.

Just the inciest bit. I have to go to the doctor's.

No. No.

No.

When did you last have sex?

I'm not telling you. Whatever. I'll work it out.

You waxed your bikini line two Wednesdays past.

How do you know that?

I've no special interest. Your old Immac strips stick to the waste paper bin. Oh.

It's like spiders have started a revolution against wicker.

So?

So...if you waxed, you were planning to have sex the following night.

You could be onto something there.

How's your bikini line now?

Let me think. When did I last see my own clout?

Well, this morning I was thinking, "What pants?" What Pants?

Isn't that a fetish mag? Ssh. And... I remember thinking, "They've got to be nice cos I'm going out.

"But...they've also got to be big and black because..."

Yes? "Because I'm due on my period today."

So you're not pregnant, then?

You bloody idiot. Give us a fag.

Jonny?

Pub! Now!

Oh, you look a twat.

This is worse than when you got everyone to call you Daddy Cool.

I haven't got a clue what you're doing.

I'm going to kill you. I'm a mime. A what? Remember what Louise said?

You'd wear black and be... Oh, my God, no!

Got it in one, matey.

The girls are laughing. They won't laugh when I'm raking it in performing for children.

In that outfit, you shouldn't be allowed near children.

I don't know how Donna is. You knew what I meant. I could go on telly.

You could do an advert for men's leotards. There's a huge demand.

Yes, well, you should be with Donna.

Dutch courage. I'll go after this Guinness. Guinness.

Do I look like a pint of Guinness?

No, you still look like a twat. I'm trying to take some responsibility.

After Janet's pregnancy scare, I knew I needed to get more stable.

Get meself a job and that. Get serious.

Look at you! You need a proper job to be responsible. I'm responsible.

If Donna keeps this baby, I'm going to have to dress like you.

A mime artist? We could perform together.

I don't mean wearing something so tight it kills all my sperm.

Cheers.

Shut it.

Cheers for coming over.

Thanks for inviting me. There you go. Oh, thank you.

So...

So.

Are you going to ask me or what, Gaz? Er...yeah. OK, erm...

Are...? Are you...?

Are you...? Are you...?

I mean, am I...? Am I...? Am I gonna be a...?

A cake?

Gaz? Sorry. I'm a bit nervous. It's difficult. Don't know you that well.

You know me well enough to sleep with me. The talky bit does me in.

Just relax, and then ask me. Ready?

OK, hang on. Ready? Right, go on.

Are you having a stroke?

Are...? You've got two options. Either ask me or I inflict pain.

Not the nice, spanky pain. The inserting-things-into-you pain. All right.

OK.

What are you gonna do with the baby?

What do you think I should do?

I respect your decision. Whatever you want is fine by me. I'm a responsible adult who doesn't mime.

Good for you.

What if I wanted to keep it?

Well, that'd be good and decisive and...and it'd be good.

And if I wanted to get rid of it? I'd support you and I wouldn't judge you for murdering my son.

That's nice.

And your intentions would be...?

..Honourable.

Honourable

Yeah. I'd have to adjust a bit, but I could probably marry you.

Are you asking me?

Aren't you supposed to? That's what they do on Heartbeat. Gaz...

All right, not marriage, then. But I could take responsibility for you.

You could move in here. I'd work double shifts and you would stay at home with the baby and bake.

Bake? Yeah... No, it's hard, baking, isn't it?

Gary... I mean,

I could be like a proper father figure. I could be Patrick Duffy.

Oh...

I got my dates mixed up. I'm not pregnant at all.

Jonny, will you please take that stupid suit off?

The spirits told you to wear black, but they didn't mean you to bulge.

Louise, if you want to prove you're psychic, tell me something about me.

You had a turbulent childhood.

My God, you ARE psychic. You are also at a crossroads in your life.

I am. And your boyfriend eats cat-food.

No. No, that one's not true.

Is it?

Jonny?

I'm scaring myself now. Why would you have cat-food in the house? You don't have a cat.

You're the psychic. You tell us. There was a two-for-one offer on?

No. You bought a tin without a label? No.

Just drop it. It's because... I like the taste, OK? It's meaty chunks in jelly. I can't resist.

Between your collection of toenail clippings and cat-food consumption, you're a disgusting couple.

Where's Gaz and Donna? Look into the crystal ashtray and tell us.

OK. I can see them.

They're in Gaz's flat. They're laughing.

They're so happy. They're eating fried chicken.

They're happy about their new baby. Over the moon.

KNOCK AT DOOR

SOBBING

He was like this this morning - insatiable.

Is he still crying?

- What happened? - Well, I started my period.

For the first time? Are you 12?

Don, that is brilliant! Well done!

No, it's not! I really wanted to be a dad. Just wanted to be a responsible, adult, manly man.

I'd started looking forward to it.

The birth and...the afterbirth.

My gifts have been removed from me.

Stolen. This is so upsetting.

Cheer up. You managed to make Jonny look like a complete wanker.

I just wanted a bit of stability in my booze, babes and...bassoon lifestyle.

I wanted a bit of responsibility. I wanted to be like Patrick Duffy.

You can get responsibility from a loving, adult relationship with Donna. Yeah?

Will you marry me?

Will I buggery. Will YOU marry me?

I'm promised to a friend of my cousin. Arranged marriage.

- Louise, you're Church of England. - It's how I get rid of thick blokes.

Gaz, you don't need to get married to grow up.

Get to know your girlfriend before you marry someone else. Like Prince Charles.

You think that would work?

It's worth a try. OK.

Erm...

This is gonna sound weird because we've been shagging each other for a month.

Would you like to go for a drink with me sometime? That sounded old.

I'd love to go for a drink with you. Yeah? I'll meet you at the garage at eight o'clock on Tuesday

and I'll escort you to a fine drinking establishment. Wear that pearl necklace I gave you. Oh, Gaz!

What? It was a special gift from the bottom of my sack

Ohhhh... Like Father Christmas.

Hello. All right, love? Yep.

So, where are you taking me tonight? Somewhere grown-up and sophisticated?

You what?

Well, we're supposed to be having a growny-uppy relationship. I think that means taking me to wine bars.

No, it just means I've got to talk to you as well as give you one.

Can do both at once if you want.

Pringle?

One...thousand...pounds.

One...THOUSAND...pounds!

A thousand pounds! Oh, my God! He'll buy me an engagement ring.

Do you think we'll get married and have some sex? I'm not sure about the first.

But the second one's a dead cert, is it? Come on, my son!