Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour.

Right, did you hear about the farmer that took 40 Viagras thinking they were sleeping pills?

No, what happened? The poor man! Did his heart burst? Gaz, it's a joke.

Oh, didn't hear that bit. Go on.

Went to bed and had 40 wanks.

Class!

I told you that and you just shrugged. So?

You think it's funnier than Michael Barrymore's elongated head now.

Well, that's cos I told it.

Elongated head? Yeah, it's like he's trapped between lift doors.

Why didn't you laugh at ME? You're not funny. And Jonny's joke had a farmer in it.

Jonny thinks I'm funny, don't you? Yeah, when you do that weird dance,

that's pretty funny. I don't have a weird da... Are you talking about my hip-hop style?

I thought that was really cool. You can be really unfair sometimes, Jonny.

Women aren't meant to make jokes. Why can't we make jokes? That's sexist.

It's not that you can't. You shouldn't. It takes the attention away from your breasts.

Well, what about French and Saunders? Yeah, they've got big ones.

No, do you think they're funny? What, their tits?

If they juggled them around a bit...

Victoria Wood? Tits in a tabard.

Lily Savage? Please!

Cracking legs, though.

Well, she has! Pub. Now!

This top don't look dirty, does it? No.

Me mum stopped doing my washing when she saw I had a girlfriend.

What, does she expect Donna to do it? No, you weren't listening. She SAW I had a girlfriend.

She walked in?!

Donna was cool about it. She just said, "Hello, Mrs Gaz.

"Would you like some chocolate body gel? It's low fat."

Oh, no! So what did YOU do? I just told her Donna was me cousin.

So I need a replacement mother. The solemn echo of single men everywhere.

I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.

Why don't you just make your own sandwiches? No way. I do have me dignity, you know.

I'm gonna secretly manipulate her into being housekeeper and sandwich maker and she won't know a thing.

How do you get Janet to do it for you? Well, she doesn't.

Well, wouldn't you like her to? Nah.

My only problem with Janet is I think she swears too much for a girl.

Everybody swears at Ricky Martin videos!

She could take the time to read a book once in a while, as well.

YOU don't read books! I read Alex Ferguson's life story.

Only so you could change the words with a biro.

"The crowd roared as I shat in what had been the queen's box. Scholes left open his side of the bitch."

And I wish she'd wear more dresses.

Hang on, hang on. You want a girlie girl who reads books? Yeah.

Who wears dresses and doesn't swear? Yeah.

You fancy Louise.

No, I don't. I love Janet!

You might love Janet - ie not hate her - but you really want Louise.

No, no. She's too perfect for me, Louise.

She's got perfect skin.

Perfect hair. Perfect...nostrils.

Oh, my God! It can't be true!

All right. Think about Louise in her underwear.

And it's like black leather underwear.

With tassles.

She's saying...

"Jonny, leave your girlfriend and come and live with me in my commune of naughty rude ladies."

Thought about it?

I'm going to the toilet.

OK, who wants to hear my joke?

Forty wanks? Two words isn't a joke.

Unless it's like "Pretentious, moi?" Now, that's funny!

No. Forty wanks is the punchline. There's more before that.

Before the wanks? What, kissing and that? I'd expect at least a Pernod.

Nope, forget it. I'm going upstairs to find some joke books.

I'm going to make you all laugh until you die.

SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY Come on, Donna.

Laugh until I die?

Louise? AA-II-EE! I'm sorry. I thought you were... Dead? Yes.

I was pretending. Janet said she was going to kill us.

But how does she know? Know what?

Well, that I, um... I, um...ate all the pies.

Jonny, can I ask you something personal? Um, how personal?

Above or below here?

Oh, above. I won't involve you in anything including the words pelvic floor, yeast infection or panty.

You'll make someone a great wife. I know. Jonny? Yes.

Do you think I have hairy arms?

No, I think you've got perfect arms.

Like a work of art. You have arms like the Venus de Milo.

Oh! Even so, I think I'll try some depilatory cream.

You're an inoffensive, non-sexual man. You could come shopping with me.

Um... I don't know. Me and, um... Janet? Yes!

Mmm? We might be doing something, cos she is my girlfriend.

What was that about me? Oh, here she is! Isn't she great?! We have sex!

Jonny, shut up. Listen to my joke. Go on.

OK. What's the difference between a nun praying and a nun having a bath?

One has hope in her soul and the other has...!

Oh, I'll never be funny! You're just going to have to fall over a lot more.

Balloons are funny. Making things out of balloons. I love that.

I can do that, Louise!

Jonny, we don't have any balloons. Ah, Jonny's lovely, isn't he?

He's going upstairs now to make some sort of poodle out of balloons

or even one of those little sparkly things made out of an old stocking stuffed with newspaper.

See how it twinkles in the light

Louise said she liked them! I like balloon animals. Sausage dogs and giraffes.

I knew this guy who made a balloon baby Jesus.

All right, Louise. This is, er...

..er, a pig!

But without legs, so it's disabled and thus politically correct.

Oink-oink!

Please look after me, Louise. The farmer has eaten my legs!

Aw! Give us a kiss!

Oh, my God! It's all slimy!

Very intelligentAll right. You want intelligence? Watch this.

Ah-h! The Hindenburg disaster! Ah-h! It's history, see, that.

That's a sick thing to do, Jonny. A lot of people died there, Jonny.

Yes. Janet, can I take Jonny shopping with me for hair remover cream?

I've been looking for that!

What is it, your comfort poultry? No, it was from me mum.

I'd get her leftovers, before the chocolate body gel incident.

You can't live like this. You might get mice. Maybe the mice'd clean for me.

Bagpuss. Given so many children false hope.

Yeah, I'm glad he got killed. Bagpuss never got killed.

Oh, yeah. That was Tupac Shakur.

Some of this stuff's mine. Yeah. Do you want me to give you a hand tidying up?

Really? Yes. And I don't have to secretly manipulate you at all? Course not.

I am the Master of Cunning. C'mon.

What are you doing now? Arranging my porn in alphabetical order.

From Aardvarks and Men, A Lover's Guide right through to X-Rays of Love.

OK, why don't you go out and I'll do it myself?

I am the Master of Cunning!

Will you stop worrying, mate?

Did you know that monogamy is an anagram of "No go, Mammy"?

Why Mammy? The Black and White Minstrels used to say it.

What about trust and love?

"Don't rave...slut!"

Not the anagram, the real stuff! Trust and love. Oh, couldn't tell you about that, mate.

I could tell you about domestic manipulation, though.

Even as we speak, Donna is reorganising my porn by smell.

I think I'm in love with Louise.

And you want to know if Janet'll let you give her one. Ye... No, no!

Listen to me. Everybody has more than one woman in their lives.

What? Not me. I've never cheated. No, you misunderstood. Number 1 is Mummy.

I've never shagged my mummy!

No. She is Safe Woman. The one you run to when woman number 2 dumps you.

And woman number 2 is? Janet. And at the moment you've got woman number 3 - Louise.

So does that mean I get to slip her one? No, she's just your girlfriend's sexy mate.

Let's call her Bathroom Buddy. OK. So who else?

There's thousands of them. The ones who you know fancy you, they're the Ego Boosters.

Like that really fat woman who runs the flower stall that I always imagine naked... Naked and running.

Best keep that one to yourself. Yeah.

I'm supposed to be going shopping with Louise this afternoon.

There's your chance. Tell her. If she vomits on you, obsession cured.

Yeah, but what if she tells Janet?

Girls don't tell each other things like that, stupid! Girls are loyal to men.

How d'you get red wine off mirrors? With your tongue.

OK. Go on.

A nun is having a bath. There's a knock at the door. Is this the "blind man" joke? Have you heard it?

Nuns themselves would throw their special nun vegetables at you.

Nuns don't have special vegetables. They have ones like you and me.

I think you'll find they have very special vegetables.

Mum, you shouldn't be eavesdropping. It's my job, dear. If it wasn't you, it'd be your sister.

Go and listen to her, then. God, no!

All she talks about is whether or not she's pregnant this month. I'd rather watch Quincy.

Have you not told her about birth control? I am a connoisseur of bedroom oopsies. YOU were one!

If I'd have gone to t'doctor instead of Magaluf, you wouldn't be here now.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! If it's jokes you want, I'm your woman.

I was known as the "wisecracking wag" during my days on the stage.

Sure it wasn't the "surefire shag"?

Thanks for helping me choose.

I mean there's so much choice - gels, wax, strips...

And what was that yellow stuff in cling film?

That was a Boots Shapers salad. Oh.

Jonny? Yes, Louise. Remember when you shook me back to life yesterday?

Yes, I remember. You touched my booby!

Well, I wouldn't have noticed. I'm...I'm sorry, I really am.

I wouldn't think you'd have done it on purpose...

Jonny! Kissed me...you did!

Eurgh! I beg your pardon?

Well, I said, "Eurgh!" But what I actually meant was, "Bleurgh!"

You taste of lard!

But you kissed me. And that means you fancy me more than Janet.

No, didn't you hear? Bleurgh-h!

It's like kissing the bits they sucked out of Roseanne Barr.

I'm going home. To Janet. She tastes of spearmint...and usually lager.

All right, Gaz? Thank God for that! I'm so bored! Donna's locked me out of the flat.

She's got rid of the smell of halibut from the skirting. But she won't let me back till it's perfect.

Ah, got flowers for me, mate?

These are for Janet. That's very generous.

Nah. Not at all. It was a fresh grave.

So you've done Louise, then?

No! No! No! She tastes funny. What do you mean?

She tastes of lard.

I think we need to have a little talk about women.

Sometimes women need a little bit of lubrication - know what I mean?

And if Louise chooses lard, so be it. Who are we to be picky?

No, no, no...

I didn't. I just kissed her.

And she tastes rank. I mean really, really she does.

And it's totally put me off. I'm cured.

Good. I can fantasise about her again without your face interfering.

And now I've got the added bonus of lard to come into it.

I'm thinking of telling Janet. Are you not fond of your genitals, then? They're all right. Why?

Girlfriends don't enjoy stories about kissing their best friend.

It makes them...what's the word? Hell bitches! Don't tell her! Nah. Nah. Janet won't mind.

All right. You can tell her in five minutes. She's coming with Donna. I thought they might dance for me.

Oh. The jukebox is broke. You'll have to sing again. You do backing? All right.

Here.

IMPERSONATES BEAT BOX

I'll get these.

Hello! All right. Hiya. You'll love the flat.

It's like a place of tranquil... Well, it's got the essence of...

We can do it there now. In the bed instead of the fire escape. So...

Janet, sit here. I've got a surprise for you.

Is it the flowers?

It's the flowers. Surprise over - let's get pissed.

Gaz! Right. OK, everybody. I've got a joke.

Please don't. Oh... OK, listen.

"Doctor, doctor, I'm obsessed with wife swapping." Doctor says, "How does your wife feel?"

"Really firm and juicy. How about yours?"

Oh come on, that is funny. Someone's got to stop her.

She's been like this all afternoon. Please don't. Shh. Listen. OK.

"Doctor, doctor, I don't find my wife attractive any more."

"Well, I could recommend a good psychiatrist."

"Oh, good. Do you know one with big tits, then?"

Come on. Laugh! They're funny. Please shut her up.

This one you will love. Listen.

"Doctor, doctor, do you have anything to clear up diarrhoea?"

Jonny got off with Louise.

What?

Gaz!

I... Oh... I...

Take that, you leftover monkey DNA.

Oh.. Ow! Ah!

PHONE RINGS

Hello? FRANTIC SQUEAKS

Oh, hi, Janet.

All right, then!

I'm going to the boys' pub!

Grrr!

Grr!

Janet...

Lard does not make it OK.

Yeah. That's what I said when Gaz wanted to bum-love me.

I didn't enjoy it. He didn't. It even made him get over his obsession about her.

OK, look - we've all thought about our friends' partners. I bet you've thought about Gaz.

No, not in THAT way.

Not in a naked way.

Well, OK, in a naked way.

Thanks. Was I well endowed?

I can't really remem... Shut up!

I don't want to think of you in a naked way. The point is I never kissed Gaz.

Well, we could even the score now, if you like. What about me?

Well, you could kiss Jonny.

What about me?

You'd carry on with me. We'd have to include Louise. Wouldn't want her feeling left out.

Louise!

What have you done to her? If you've hurt my friend...

It wasn't him. I had an allergic reaction to the hair-removing cream.

Oh, OK.

Well, then I'm going to... Whoa! Whoa!

OK. OK. I'm fine. Calm. See. Right.

She won't know what to do. Just let her go.

Sss! What...?

I don't know. Oh, here you are!

But what I do know is this. Each one of you has betrayed my trust.

Louise, you have the morals of a magpie who haunts the same gene pool

as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner.

Gaz, you probably encouraged Jonny so you deserve

to be pissed on by all five members of the Grumbleweeds.

And Donna!

Donna, you knew about this and didn't tell me - that is just...

that's just the worst of all. Excuse me, I didn't know.

Well, you should've done.

I only knew where Gaz kept his dwarf porn minutes before I told you.

Will you call them vertically challenged?! Dwarf is a bit offensive, actually.

And Jonny. Well, you just have bad hair.

What? What are you laughing at?

Well, it's funny. You're really good at insulting people. You what? Do me again. Do me. OK.

Well, Gaz, if you weren't with Donna, I know a packet of Kleenex with a lot of personality.

OK. Open your eyes...now.

It's like being inside a Care Bear.

Well, do you like it? I got it all from Oxfam.

Have they got a sale on for utter crap?

What have you DONE?!

I've tidied it, like I said. You haven't tidied.

You've turned my manly abode into a toilet roll advert!

Listen, there's nothing wrong with the feminine touch.

The feminine touch is cleaning the bath, buying groceries, and the occasional hand-job.

This isn't the feminine touch! This is a feminine headlock.

My God! I threw away all my principles and I tidied your flat. I bought you loads of new stuff.

There's even some fudge in the fridge. It's girl food!

And this is how you repay me?

It's a shock, you know, like being told you're going to die.

Only more pink. Look, look, it's clean, isn't it?

I just thought you were going to do my housework for me like my mum used to

and also be a willing sexual partner. That was my plan. Gaz. What?

Don't forget your fudge!

My porn!

NOOOOOOOO!

Why shouldn't you try and change a man's home? It was much nicer.

It was nicer for you.

But a man needs to feel that he has his own space, away from us.

Even from a woman as alluring as me.

KNOCK ON DOOR Katie, it's open!

Gary, love. Come on in. Have you come to see Donna?

Or me?

I've come to see Donna. Donna, I think we need to talk. Yeah.

Mum, can we have a bit of privacy, please?

All right. I'm sorry. I'll go and listen from the living room.

Can I sit down?

Well, I don't know. Maybe the chairs here are too feminine for you.

This one here's going through the menopause as we speak.

Donna. I'm sorry.

What? I was wrong.

Are you pissed?

Yeah, but I'm still sorry. Right. And you're after a shag?

Well, yes, but I'm actually sorry. You're sorry?

God, I'm good at this guilt thing.

It's just when you left I realised it wasn't that bad, having the stuff you'd chosen round the place.

But you still threw it out, right?

Well, yeah, but... but I started thinking about us.

And I sort of realised that I didn't want to lose you over something like this, something so stupid.

Yeah?

But then I carried on thinking, and then my brain started hurting so I made a sandwich.

And then I thought some more and I come to the conclusion...

I love you, Donna. Please forgive me.

Yes, yes, yes!

You'll be moving out soon!

Or even getting married!

I've always suited hats.

Oh, Mum.

Master of Cunning.

You know, it's funny.

But if I hadn't kissed Louise, you'd have never have got over that whole joke business.

Mm-hm.

So...in a way it was probably a good thing that I kissed her. Mm-hm.

But you've got a really angry-looking back so I think I'll retract that last thing I said.

Nope. I'm not angry any more. I've had my revenge.

What? Saying I had bad hair? Excellent.

No, I snogged Louise.

And actually I...er... think it's more mediciny than lardy.

Is that all? What do you mean, is that all? Aren't you jealous? No.

Well, no, cos you see, I touched her booby, so I think I'm ahead of you.

What? Right. Louise! Get your tits out!

Why's life so big?

How do you feel?

It's not definite, though. But it is a possibility.

How could you let this happen? I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.