Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

I have a problem.

I love your problems. They're always so trivial.

Makes me feel like I'm living inside Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

Well, I was in the library yesterday, and this guy I sort of know, Kev, kind of said hello.

Oh, my God, did you ring the police?

Well, it was the way he said it that sort of bothered me, sort of: "Hi."

So you're worried about catching his laryngitis?

Do you think he likes me? What was he doing as he said, "Hi"?

Kind of an eyebrow thing.

Ah, now, eyebrow like Jack Nicholson or eyebrow like Anne Robinson?

Somewhere in between, sort of like, "Hi."

Did he have a copy of Guns Monthly under his arm, by any chance?

No, he's very nice. I'm sure to see him again this week.

I need to know if he fancies me, cos my Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin. It's always the same plot.

If he likes you, he'll touch your arm.

He's flirting, not playing tig.

No, not like that. Like that. Slowly move away from her, Janet.

If he's anything like Jonny, he'll just offer her a B&H and ask if she's on the pill.

Or, if he's being really bold, he's going to come over, like this, and touch your hair.

Ugh! Will you stop coming on to your friends?

All right, if you don't want my help...

No, no, go for your life. Lick me if you want.

Or he could look you in the eyes...

Yeah. And try and hypnotise you into thinking you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

Then he could touch your face as if it's the most lovely....saucer.

Yeah, but by getting you an AC/DC T-shirt out of the skip, that means he really fancies you, doesn't it?

Janet, don't worry. You and Jonny have been together for ages. He's not supposed to fancy you anymore.

Well, then, what about if he grabs your tits and goes, "Way-hey! One for the lads!" when Liverpool score?

That does mean he fancies you?

No, no. You're like a comfortable old boot. Nice choice of words, Donna.

All right, or a housecoat, then. Oh, cheers, a housecoat?

A housecoat is not fanciable. I've got a housecoat!

Oh, God, he really doesn't fancy me!

Hello, there.

I have had eight pints of Stella and two tequilas and I still reckon I could drive.

Anyone want to go to McDonalds?

Hi. So, er, you're in full working order, then?

You look like a...beautiful... saucer.

What was it you think I just said?

Nice evening, dear? Yeah, it was all right. I'm going round Gaz's in a bit, though.

Lovely. Will you be moving out soon, then?

What did you say?

Nothing. It'll keep.

All right. Just like you, it'll keep...

just like you, sponging off your mother.

I don't sponge. I pay you rent. Rent?

I suppose that's consolation for the lack of privacy I've suffered for the last 23 years?!

Lack of privacy? You can't call having children a lack of privacy.

Oh, no, you just wait. It's all - that baby needs feeding, that baby needs changing,

why is that baby turning blue? Bloody doctors.

Anyway, I pay you loads more money than I use up in gas and leccy so...

And does that compensate for, like, well, the time you walked in on me when I was...examining myself?

I don't remember that.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

Have you got any Valium left?

No, our Katie used it all in her last suicide attempt.

We've got to think about Katie because she's nearly 16 and she'll need your bedroom soon.

Why? Double bed. I don't want my first grandchild conceived in a Ford Capri like you were.

But I'm not moving out. I'm quite happy here.

You could, er, move in with Gary.

Well, he's not asked me. And it's not that serious. If you must know, it's just about the sex.

Just sex? Yes. Has he got a Capri?

No, he's got a moped. Sidecar?

No, he's got a flat, with a bed. Which is where I'm going right now.

A bed?

I'm impressed. I thought you'd be more "pally in the alley" type.

No! "Nookie behind the bookies"?

Will you stop rhyming at me! I could've been a poet, me.

OK, well, think about a rhyme for "sod off", then.

I've got lovely hair.

That doesn't rhyme.

I have, though, haven't I?

You'll give me a ring in a bit, then?

Sure as eggs is eggs. My history teacher used to say that.

Which is why you like it, you dirty little minx.

No, she was a woman. Which is why I like it. ..Oh!

Now get out while the image is still in my head! See you in a bit. See you.

"Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones

You're a sex bomb

When I need to come along

You're a sex bomb

Golden Virginia?

It's Donna!

Jonny, Jonny, it's Donna.

..No, no, she's still alive.

No, she's not with child. No, it's worse!

She's moved her toothbrush in!

Jesus Christ!

..No, no, she's gone shopping.

Yeah, course. Yeah, course I can come. Ten minutes, all right?

How the mighty have fallen.

Hiya.

Hey. How's it going...sailor?

Hiya. Listen, I've got to go out, Bad situation with Gaz and Donna.

Well, er, how bad could it be?

When we have...

When we have...bronchitis?

Don't you want to see what I've bought?

Shoes. You always buy shoes. And Marmite.

I'll be back as soon as I can. We can have Marmite on toast for dinner.

And then we can get drunk as trousers and play Rummikub.

Take a Strepsil for that voice thing. It could scare me mum if she rings.

Marmite! I should not be eating Marmite. Marmite's not sexy food.

Now, oysters. Oysters are sexy. Mind you, they do taste like phlegm.

Hey...hey, how's it going sailor...sail-OR?

..Donna? Janet. Can you come to the pub? I've got a real emergency.

Oh, yeah! I do sound a bit like Angela Rippon, don't I?

Look, maybe she just forgot the toothbrush.

Maybe she forgot the toothbrush?

Maybe Valerie Singleton's a cyborg, maybe she goes out at night to talk to the tree people.

You're getting hysterical. What does it matter if she moves in, anyway?

You think she's going to ask?

No, she'll definitely not ask. Why would she ask when you can just say no?

She'll just...merge.

Merge? Mmm, she'll become as one with the flat.

First the toothbrush, then the hairdryer, then the Tickle Me Elmo...

No, no, that's it!

I'll move flats. I'll get a new one off the council. I'll say this one's infested.

Infested? What with?

With girlfriend. They'll put me under a protection programme.

The council don't like you since you complained there was too many flowers outside your house.

Yeah, well, I didn't know there'd been a crash.

You can't ask the council to move you because of a bloody toothbrush.

They moved that Jill from next door because of her laundry.

Yeah, cos you were stealing her bras.

Never found me out though, did they?

All the kids round your way call you Mr Perv.

I thought they were calling me Mr Lurve.

Which is actually more worrying.

How can I bump uglies every Friday night without all that dental crap moving in?

If Donna can't move in with you, she might go looking elsewhere.

No. Once you've tried the Gazster love, nothing else will ever do, believe me.

Eight minutes of heaven followed by beans on toast.

Sometimes I wish I was a woman...Gazster.

You may mock, but no woman has ever or will ever cheat on me.

Yeah, so? Janet's never cheated on me.

Oh? And how can you be so sure she was out shopping today?

Because she came back with a load of bags from, er...Gossards.

Buying underwear, eh? That's the first sign.

Underwear? It's a grocers, innit?

Well, not unless she's buying peephole cabbages or split crotch sausages.

She's been buying some knickers. That don't mean anything.

Make sure she's not wearing them when she goes out.

Oh, leave it. Janet'd never cheat on me. I think. All right, then.

How would I know if she was...riding the love train to Cheatsville?

The underwear's a dead giveaway. When was the last time she bought knickers?

When her last ones became transparent.

They could be for me.

Doubtful. You don't suit nylon. It makes your hair all frizzy.

No, she could be planning a live sex show.

Oh! Has she done owt like that before?

No. She did once make a victoria sponge in the shape of an arse.

Now, that's quite sexy.

Sponge. That rocks my world.

And she lets me use the toilet when she's in the shower.

Couldn't be more like the Red Shoe Diaries if you tried.

What are you trying to say? It seems odd that she buys underwear and doesn't let you perv at her in it.

She's probably putting it on now.

Just waiting for me to get back from the pub so she can seduce me.

Yeah, or she's taking it off, for some TJ Hooker type. TJ Hooker type?

You know, the James Taylor Quartet. They did all the best porn music. Remember that bak-a-cha-bak...

Oh, yeah. Hey, baby. Take it all. Oh yeah.

Remember?

Yeah.

Hello, Stinky Arse. I'm on my way out in a minute.

Are you? Where are you going?

Pub. Unless you don't want me to, of course.

Well, who's gonna be there? The usual. Just girls?

Yeah, why? No...TJ Hooker types?

Jonny, what are you talking about? Nothing.

Yes, well, anyway, I might be late.

Fine.

Fine.

Janet. What?

Are you wearing underwear? What?

Why would women buy underwear? Well, I don't know, Jonny, maybe they want to be found sexy and attractive.

To men? No, to antelope, Jonny.

Well, what else do they do, women?

Well, they cook, and they clean and they make tiny little babies.

No, what do they do when they want to get men to be...

rude?

Hmm, call them our slag hounds? No! Not RUDE. How do you really turn a man on?

YOU want to know how to turn a man on?

No, I want to know how YOU turn a man on.

I wish I knew, Jonny.

I think Kev really likes me. He's touching my arm all the time now.

Oh, yeah, and the hair? Well, it's a bit like Tin Tin's, frankly.

But I can change him, like you did when Jonny had that "bring back the mullet" phase.

So, what have you got in common, then? Does he use his boobs to get served first in pubs as well?

Well, we both love shopping, and large women on Coronation Street.

And you'll never guess - he likes collecting Sylvanian Families for the kitsch value as well. Carry on.

He loves his mum, he loves Steps, oh, and he loves...

Shagging men?

I beg your pardon?

Well, everything you've told us, Louise, absolutely everything,

means he's camper than a row of tents. Pink tents.

Pink tents with gay men in them.

Pink tents with gay men in them sniffing poppers.

OK. I get the message. But he's not gay. And how can you be so sure?

Well, he likes football. He likes David Beckham and Michael Owen...

They play for different teams. Beckham's United, Owen's Liverpool.

See that? Never any men around when I'm being impressive!

You can support more than one team.

Gaz supports City but I heard him cheering for England last week.

Anyway, he drinks bitter, so he can't be gay. Why? Are they allergic?

Well, no, but it's a manly man's drink.

A real butch, masculine, chunky...

Oh. Sorry, Donna.

Anyway, I'm going to prove it to you. I'm going to ask him on a date myself. Tomorrow.

When we go to The Disney Shop.

How did your shopping go, Jan?

It was all right. I bought some underwear. Well, lingerie really.

Really, did Jonny like it? Is that why you're all pink?

No, that's my eczema.

He didn't even notice. I tried to make him by acting all sexy but...

No, you don't want to go in acting all weird. Er, I said I acted sexy.

I used to go on the pull with you.

You do this voice thing and all this provocative leaning. You're like a drunken goat.

Excuse me - that is what got Jonny in the first place.

Yes, but Jonny was on heroin back then. No, he wasn't.

All right, penicillin for his scabs. It's the same thing.

Cook him his favourite meal. We'll help.

Oh, yeah! What's his favourite?

I do a mean turnip swan carving.

No, that's probably not his favourite.

Er, well, I'll just make him a pie or something, shall I?

Ah now, you see, pie, that's the aphrodisiac of the gods.

And where do you think you've been?

Well, I think I've been to the pub,

but if it was a rhetorical question - where have we all been? Where are we going?

Don't get smart with me, lady.

I've been drinking absinthe. I'm not going to be getting smart with anyone for the next two decades.

I've been worried sick about you. You could have been lying in a ditch somewhere.

You've never been bloody worried about me. Even when I ran away to Stoke-on-Trent.

You were only trying to find Robbie Williams. Your dad did the same thing for The Wurzels.

I had to sleep rough for two nights in Trentham Gardens before you even realised I was gone.

We've all suffered. It's part of being a woman.

Being mistaken for a binbag by an octogenarian park-keeper is not part of being a woman.

You'd be surprised.

Have you not even considered moving out, for my sake? You know, the worry, the stress - it kills.

Am I in your will? A bit.

Worry away, mother, cos I'm not going anywhere.

Although I am going round to Gaz's. Tomorrow I'll be at Janet's, helping her seduce her fella with food.

Oh, you can't seduce a fella with food.

You need that drug. Now, what is it?

The one that makes people forget that they've ever had sex.

Rohypnol? That's sick, Mum.

No, Night Nurse. Works a treat on your dad.

Well, we're not going to be using Night Nurse.

We'll be using the age-old tradition of turnip swan carving.

Make sure it's well lubricated.

See you later.

Will you shut up...you knob!

What's the matter with you, moody?

It's Sunday. And you woke me up with your rustling.

It's been said before. My incessant rustling's always been a problem.

Yeah, well, it's an infringement of space.

Space? Oh, here we go. Do you need space, Gaz?

No! Just a bit of peace. Peace?

I'm sat here reading the paper on a Sunday morning. It's not Kuwait.

You woke me up. You wake me up all the time.

How? Come on. And not the owl noises, cos I don't do that.

Ooooo! Ooooo! It's like a buggerin' ambulance. No-one else has mentioned it.

Out of all the legions of girls you've been with, I'm the only one that makes you go Ooooo! I'm touched.

Yeah well, you're the only one to wake me up. D'you know, it's...

it's like, it's like.... you're merging.

Merging? Yeah, yeah, look! You've left your cup on the table, look.

And by that I'm merging? Yeah, you use my razor. Only on my armpits.

Look, you've done my crossword. I hadn't even finished yet.

This paper is two months old!

I only buy it every three, for the crossword!

I thought it was emergency toilet roll. It has many uses.

I don't feel very welcome, to be frank. Well, you wouldn't, would you? You don't live here.

You're having a nice male paranoid fantasy and you're going to start using words like "space" and "time".

I've had enough of your quantum physics, Gary.

No. I've got no idea of what you just said then.

I said I'm going. Yeah, but... When are you coming for more sex?

I don't know. When Uranus circles...Mars.

Me arse?

Oh, and by the way, 17 down, four words. There is no such film as BONE WITH THE WIND.

Hiya.

You're supposed to be gone. Why?

Because... There's an important football thing on down at the pub. No, there's not.

There is. It's an exclusive interview...with...Houllier.

What kind of interview? One with naked ladies. Don't be ridiculous.

Naked footballers' wives. There's Louise Redknapp, Victoria Beckham, Mrs...Shankly.

What are you doing? You just have to leave. Why?

I have an obsessive compulsive disorder and if you don't go now, the ceiling will fall in.

What's going on? Are you expecting someone?

No, no-one. Nothing. Just don't come back before seven, OK? Why seven?

Mystical number. Bye.

Right, wine.

Right, meths.

And she thought Samsara was a kind of dress! I tell you!

God this beer is dis-gus-ting. Tastes like old man's farts.

Anyway, what was I saying? When I go to a party I am the "partay",

and the other week, oh, you should have seen me,

there was this nasty old slag, so I said, "Talk to the hand cos the face ain't listening."

Got that off Ricki Lake. Love her. Got to, haven't you?

Oh, you should have seen the kip of it, marched off to never-never land with its tail between its legs.

Least, think it was its tail!

Ooh! Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Janet didn't care, you know.

She just wanted me out of the house like some...paisley sofa bed.

She was so, like, neuralgic.

Nostalgic?

Nonchalant.

Big words, them.

I'm really sorry, mate. Women don't cheat on me.

I'm just so pretty.

You know Donna, right - she really wants me.

Oh, cheers. No, she REALLY wants me.

She wants to possess me or something like The Exorcist.

RrrrRRRRrrrRR! RrrRRrrRR Gaz.

I bet...I bet Janet's other bloke is an exotic dancer.

Phwoar, yeah.

I mean, for Janet it'd be phwoar. Well, it would, wouldn't it? I know.

I must avenge my people.

Who are your people? I don't know, Muscovites or something.

D'you know, I bet he's got a really sexy name, like, like Gaz.

No, like Pedro.

Yeah, or Whigfield, yeah.

Pedro's probably got a degree.

Yeah, as well as being a stripper. A private dancer. A dancer for money.

That's how he put himself through university.

Tell you what, you wanna watch it, you know.

I bet Donna knocks around for Janet and gets ensnared.

What, can he handle two women?

Oh, yeah. He's of farming stock, Pedro. So answer me this, right.

Yeah, and he's got no tonsils and a really sexy appendix scar.

Why are we sat here...? And white teeth, really gleamiing white teeth, like She-Ra.

..When our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?

You're right. You're bloody right.

Another pint, then?

No! No! We've got to fight for our women.

No - last time I was in a fight I broke my...

Action Man.

No, no, it's all right. I've got a secret weapon.

Is it a snake?

No. Look. What the hell are we going to do with that? Anaesthetise him?

No, have you seem that film Scum? Is that the one with all them dogs?

That's 101 Dalmatians.

It's a good film, though. It's a great film.

You put the balls in the sock and then you go WHACK!

Eh?

That could kill him! Yet, at the same time, make me look quite hard.

No, you're right, we shouldn't kill him. Not dead anyway. No.

We need something a bit less hard. Hold on.

Oh, yes. Eyes!

No. Eggs.

Look at this room. It looks beautiful.

Life is beautiful. Lovely, fabulous.

I get the impression you found out Kev was straight, then?

Oh, no, he's gay. And you're happy because...?

I'm a fag hag!

You're a what? A fag hag. I hang around with gay men and that makes me cool, so there.

And how does that make you so cool?

Well, it worked for Mrs Barrymore. Anyway, do you know any gay men?

Probably. But you haven't had one come out to you? So?

I'm cool, ha ha, and you're not. I've had my moment.

DOOR OPENS Shit! I'm not ready.

Where's Pedro? Where is he?

Hi, Jonny, I'm a fag hag.

Donna? Not you too? Not me too what?

Are you opening a tandoori restaurant?

Right, where's Pedro?

Yeah, where's Pedro? Who on earth is Pedro?

Oh, you should know, you cheaterer.

It's who you've done all this for. Washing your hair. You big hussy!

Look, unless you've changed your name to Pedro, you're wrong, Jonny.

Oh? Oh. Well, for me? Why?

Because. Well, I just thought it'd make you fancy me. I do fancy you.

No, you don't. You never touch my arm.

I touch your arm every time I pick you up off the pavement on Friday nights.

Yeah, well, you don't stroke my hair.

Well, I hold it back for you when you're vomiting in the toilet.

And I always make something garlicky for tea when you're going to a club...and there might be men.

Yeah, yeah, you do, don't you?

Guess what? I'm going to make you your favourite dinner. Egg butties?

Yeah. Yes!

Look, why don't you move in?

Well, because we went through this, and you're a git.

I'm house-trained. You piss in pot plants.

All right, I'm a git. I want to stay until morning occasionally. It don't mean I want to move in with you.

I know, but... you left your toothbrush there and it's a fact that 80...

Ugh! What are you doing? What?

I've had your toothbrush for three days! You taste of arse.

Hold on a minute... Here, eat that. No!

Eat it. No I don't want it. Eat it.

Will you still fancy me when I'm really old? Yeah.

What about if I put on eight stone?

Yeah. Would you still fancy me if I had a skinhead?

Yeah. What about if I killed baby animals?

Yeah. Would you still fancy me if I turned into a slug? Yeah.

What about if we got married?

Ooh, no!

Does a man's sexual attractiveness go down when he's involved?

Course it does, yeah. Oh.

But not yours.

Really? You're different.

You have a...

rawness.