Original subtitles

This programme contains adult humour

Don't you ever worry about your weight, Louise?

Nope, never needed to. I've been the same weight since I was 14.

Did you not go through puberty? No.

Oh, come on! You've not put on a pound in seven years?

Oh, maybe she's more active then us, or maybe she's made of polystyrene.

Tell you what, get your scales.

I'm not being weighed like some big...haddock!

No, it'll be fun. We'll all do it.

We can see who gets the slimmest. Competitive anorexia!

I'm off down the Archer.

What's that? A rose.

For the love of my life. Ahh.

It's beautiful.

I made it from the old tissue off the bedroom floor.

From...when I had that cold.

Jonny, you know that it isn't snot sticking that together.

They're a lovely couple.

Listen, I won't be late. But if I am, it's cos I'll have drowned in a river of love.

Oh, true love.

No - blow job.

No - blow job. Right.

Who invented the pie?

I mean, what a genius! You've got the subtle flavours of the steak, the texture of the finest kidney,

all against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbling, buttery pastry.

If that man was here now I'd shake his hand. I'd kiss him.

You big poof!

Don't call ME a poof.

You still haven't rung that Donna Janet set you up with.

Playing it cool, mate. All women love a bastard.

I could be a bastard if I wanted to.

Remember, I showed you those Polaroids that Janet posed for - that was pretty nasty.

No, that was horny. You've got to distinguish.

You're rubbish at being a bastard. Janet looks at you like this...

Well, how would she look at me if I WAS a bastard? Like this...

You big poof!

When I decide to phone Donna, she'll be putty in me hands.

She's probably sat now, weeping into her handkerchief.

But Donna doesn't live in a Merchant Ivory film. You should phone her.

What, like, "Hi, it's Gary. Really enjoyed the other night. Fancy going to the cinema some time, neh, neh?"

Well, yeah, everything except the gay voice and the "neh, neh".

You should try it on Janet - don't phone her for a week.

I live there. She won't notice. Are you saying she doesn't notice you?

Not at all. It's just that we communicate differently these days.

You know, put the kettle on, what's on telly, fancy a shag?

Three phrases form the basis of any long-term relationship.

You're being walked over, mate!

If you follow my plan of bastardry, within a week she'll be all over you like flies around shit.

Hey, that sounds too tempting to miss

Are we all ready, then?

Why are you wearing pyjamas? It gives a more accurate reading.

Anyway, they weigh less than my smock frock.

I don't see why I have to wear the swimming costume.

I don't want to catch moaning thin person's disease.

Better to be a moaning thin person than a moaning...

You were going to call me fat. No. What, then? Nothing.

I was going to say it's better to be a moaning thin person than a moaning...architect.

Can we just do this? I'll go first. For my height, Rosemary Conley says I should be between 8.5 and 9st.

But, being such an ARCHITECT, I probably weigh about 23.

Would you look at that! 8st 1. Janet, where do you keep your pies?!

Me next.

Oh, 8st 3. But then, I have been drinking treacle.

Right, Louise, your turn. But, then...I don't think these things weigh in ounces.

I do weigh something - I'm not full of helium.

You just sound like it when you get excited.

Well? Well, what? ..You're not the same weight as you were, are you?

I'm 3lb heavier. From this moment, I am on a diet.

By the end of this week, I'm going to be exactly the same as when I was 14.

What, start shoplifting again? And pretending to be Glaswegian?

And rocking back and forth in the darkness of your room...

Just me, then.

What are you wearing? You look like some sort of lesbian.

I've decided to exercise more.

Is that why you're sweating so much? I haven't started yet.

In my day, we couldn't nip to the gym in times of slight chubbiness.

We had to become addicted to speed, like Twiggy.

..You were never addicted to speed!

How do you think I managed to stay so slim when I were pregnant with you?

I could have been born deformed!

Could have been?

It's all me, me, me with you - probably why your date hasn't phoned.

I don't mind. I had a nice evening and I'm happy to leave it at that.

Donna, I'll never say this again, so listen carefully...

Bollocks!

Women are just not suited to having one-night stands. We're predisposed to getting clingy and possessive.

And men love us for it.

Well, I didn't sleep with him! And how would you know anyway?

I wash your knickers.

Maybe I did sleep with him, but it's the 21st century and women can have one-night stands too, you know.

And who do you think men were having one-night stands with in the '70s?

Well, mostly you.

I guarantee, within the next few days, you'll be phoning HIM.

Donna, don't try being a feminist. You're a woman.

Mum! Mum, can you bring the shears up?

Jonny, what are you doing? Will you please stop acting like a knobhead?

You're making me nervous.

Nervous? Yeah, that's part way there.

Are you intimidated, yet aroused?

No, more irritated and unshaven.

Come on, give me a back rub.

No! No, there's going to be no more back rubbing. Things are going to change around here.

Oh, good. Are you going to start wearing deodorant? Not that sort of change.

Well, can you start anyway, please?

No, because I'm a man and, as a man, I can do exactly what I like. ..Well, go on, then.

Well? Well, what?

Well, nothing's changed. Internally it has.

Rrrgh!

I see what you mean. I brought up a bit of phlegm there.

I deserve more respect than this and over the next few days I WILL be acting, as you say, like a knobhead.

And, er, what will that do? It'll make you want me.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to be horrible for a few days

and then you'll appreciate it more when I'm nice to you. It'll improve the relationship.

Oh, Jonny that is so sweet! Oh, come here, babe.

I mean... Anyway, I'm going down the pub.

But you never go down the pub on a Tues... OK.

I'm quite good at being nasty.

It's like living with Satan himself.

Except Satan doesn't like S Club 7.

Why hasn't he rang? It's two hours.

Oh, dear. Germaine Greer would be turning in her grave, wouldn't she, darling? Germaine Greer isn't dead.

OK, she'd be turning in her KY Jelly, then.

Why hasn't he called me? Maybe he only slept with me cos he thinks I'm prettier than the palm of his hand.

Oh, don't say that, darling. Thanks, Mum.

Some men have actually got lovely hands.

How do I get him to like me?

Well...a bit of facial waxing wouldn't go amiss.

As the Bible says, hairlessness is next to godliness.

..I haven't got a hairy face. And, anyway, some men like the natural look. It says so in my magazine.

And what magazine's that? Is it one from Russia?

Right. I'm going round to Janet's, all right?

Don't have too much to eat, I'm making takeaway for tea.

You'd have thought he'd have rang, wouldn't you?

How long did it take Jonny to phone? Well, he stayed over here the first night we met and...he's still here.

He hasn't even asked me to go out with him yet.

That's it. I'm going to go and tell him that I'm only interested in sex.

Are you? Yes! Strike a goal for feminism. Treat him like a tampon - dip him in once, throw him away.

But you will get all clingy and possessive, won't you? Yeah, I will.

KNOCKING That'll be Jonny. He's been gone ages.

We're doing this thing where he treats me mean to keep me keen.

Does it work? Don't know. It's nice to get him out of the way, though.

Gives me a chance to play with me verruca.

What's wrong? Jogging. A thin person who exercises! Well, where's the humanity?

Shall I get you a glass of water? No. Too many calories.

Then let me make you a sandwich. You look like a very sweaty corpse.

No! You just want me to be fat. I've got to beat Rosemary Conley, the bitch. I wanna see bone.

Louise, if you get any bonier, you'll look like the Jolly Roger. Makes me sound like a fat butcher!

Did you say fat butcher or Pat Butcher?

How's my plan going with Janet?

All right. She thinks it's quite sweet, actually.

Sweet?!

That's not the plan! You're supposed to ignore, intimidate and abuse.

That's not sweet. It is when I do it.

Treat her like you don't need her any more. But I do need her.

She makes me houmous. Man can't live by houmous alone.

He lives by respect, dignity and constant adoration from his woman. So why aren't you dead, then?

I'm laying down the seeds to my reign of power over Donna.

The more I don't phone, the more insecure she becomes.

Soon, she will give in to my constant demand for sexual gratification.

Constant demand? Anything can get me going, mate.

Remind me NOT to sit next to you next time Man City score. Could have my eye out.

Just stop acting so nice. Try to be more like James Bond - love 'em and leave 'em and all that.

But I don't want to leave her. And I don't want to shag Honor Blackman, now she looks like my Auntie Mavis.

Trust me. If you want to be a stud like me, make 'em beg.

Oh, my God.

Marry me. Get up. We need to talk. Oh, please don't dump me.

You have a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on it occasionally.

No boyfriendy, girlfriendy stuff. Then why not say you were coming?

Trying to catch me with some barmaid?

The barmaids call you Scabby Gaz.

Yeah, well, they call you...Donna. So there.

The point I'm trying to make is that I'm just after sex, sex, sex, then sex and then sex.

Really? Really. I'm a big tart. I love it.

Really?

Really.

And you won't get all clingy and possessive? Would I do that?

Well, let's get started!

PHONE RINGS

It might be important. OK, I'll start without you.

Can you not do that? It makes me insecure.

Hello?... Er, yeah. ..It's for you.

For me?

Hello?

No. ..No way!

Gaz...would you like to meet my family tomorrow?

Yes!

Yes!

Thank you, God.

In your face, you fat slag!

Jonny?

Jonny?

'Janet, I have gone out. Don't know when I'll be back. Maybe never.

'The housework better be done if I do come back, though,

'else there'll be trouble and I may even smack you one.'

'PS. Love you loads, Chicken-bunny.'

So, for three hours, I've got to discuss the finer points of broccoli,

or look at photos of you aged six.

There's only so many times I can say, "Weren't you cute?"

Then I think, "At least your tits have got bigger."

You said no commitment! I meant it. So why should I meet your family?

We need one more person for our Jackson Five reconstruction. Since Grandad died, there's no Tito.

I thought we were going to have sex without doing coupley things.

We're already arguing about my mother. Why don't you dump your porn and buy a dog?

A labrador doesn't compensate for porn.

Well, not unless it's got big tits.

Do you want me to come or what? No! Why not?

My mum would ask loads of questions and then I'd find out you were some fanatical meteorologist

and when we had sex I'd see Ulrika Jonsson floating in front of me. Like I don't

So you don't want to come, I don't want you to come - problem sorted.

Now let's go and pay a little visit to Ulrika!

You really think I'm great?

I'm only here cos you said you could tie a cherry stalk in a knot with your tongue. Did I? No. But can you?

I'll practise with a liquorice lace. How's me hair? Fine. Yeah? Yeah.

Mum says come in.

Mum, this is Gary.

Oh, my pleasure!

You will call me Flo, won't you? As in Floella,

as in Benjamin, as in Playschool, as in Children's TV has-been.

She's very proud of that. I was nearly called Little Ted.

It's a pleasure to meet you too, Flo. You are a one, Gary!

Well, you two park yourselves and I'll go finish scraping the fat off the salad.

So, where's your dad? Oh...

he's in here.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, he's not. He's alive. He just doesn't like...

People. Well, not people per se, just his own children. I was kept in a cage till I was five.

He works away a lot.

So, do you get much sex, then?

Yes, Katie, all the time.

Would you like a drink? Er, yeah, thanks.

So, what's your favourite position?

Donna! What?

Er, c-can I have a cup of tea? Yeah.

Tea? Tea! What have you been doing to him? And I suppose he watches Last Of The Summer Wine videos,

like you did when you were 19. No!

There you go, Gary, get that down you.

Bottoms up.

Oh! Come on through - chicken's nearly boiled.

What does our Gary do for a living, then? He's an entrepreneur, kind of.

Oh, my ex-boyfriend was an entrepreneur. It means he sells his mum's jewellery to buy drugs.

That sounds lovely. Well, you know, I'm more of a mechanic these days.

Oh, shame.

Do you like children, Gary? Mum!

No, it's all right. My sister's got two or three now. We're very close.

And how old is she?

Er...she's just turned 19. Oh, dear.

Well, we'll have to send some leftovers round when we've finished.

He is LOVELY looking. How did you manage to...? Never mind.

PHONE RINGS I'll get it.

You know, you've got a beautiful daughter.

Our Katie? She plays volleyball as well, don't you, love?

..Oh, no. I mean, you've got two beautiful daughters.

Oh.

Everything all right, Gary?

Hot sprout. Thank you!

That were Janet. Jonny's gone missing. We've got to go. Sorry.

He has. He really has left me.

He's not been back all night, Louise!

I should have taken his bastardry more seriously. Oh, there, there.

Did I tell you I've lost loads of weight? I thought it was a game...

and now he's probably shacked up with some blonde aerobics instructor who actually cleans the oven!

No! He's probably just been run over or something.

Or... Have you checked the pubs?

We have. We even went to that new lap dancing place.

We spent all our money on the fat one for a laugh.

It was hilarious. That's why we're a bit late... Sorry.

Did he take any of his clothes? No. Just his roller blades, bizarrely.

Shall we call the police? I already have. ..It's all your fault, Gaz!

I just said that if he ignored you, he'd get more sex. Oh, did you?

Has he taken anything else? I don't know.

Oh, my God! Where is the Debbie Gibson CD?

Oh, yeah, we burnt that one night in a solemn tribute to Billie.

Let me see the suicide note again. It is NOT a suicide note! Sorry! Just got caught in the drama.

Chicken-bunny?

That was his special name for me.

I don't know what you're laughing at, Sergeant Snuggles.

It is not Sergeant Snuggles! I like to be called The Mighty Rod, in fact.

Could everybody concentrate on my grief, please? Exactly! Can we have a bit more sensitivity, please?

Have you tried his ex-girlfriend? She was a fox. Gaz!

No, no, he won't be there. No, stop crying...

Cos he left her, didn't he, for someone more homely...and round.

Have you tried his mum? He could be there.

I am not telling her he's lost. It was bad enough when I broke his nose with the remote control.

You broke Jonny's nose? He wouldn't let me watch Coronation Street.

That's fair enough. Thank you.

When did he go missing? Yesterday morning. And he hasn't been back all night? What a bastard!

Exactly! He's trying to sex you up. Yeah, well, really not working.

It is, cos on his return you'll be so happy to see him you'll just fall into his arms like a bitch on heat.

Charming metaphor, Gaz, but that will not be happening. Oh, it will.

No, it won't. I think it will. It certainly will not be.

All right Gaz? All right, Jon.

Jonny!

All right. Speak to you later. Bye.

Is he OK? Yeah, he's in hospital.

He's concussed. What happened?

He tried to help an old woman cross Church Street.

She took it as an affront to her principles and twatted him.

TOY SQUEAKS REPEATEDLY

Have they said how long they're gonna keep you in for? Just until they're sure my brain's OK.

Why did you do it, Jonny? I'm sick of being a chicken-bunny.

Want to be bunny from hell? Granada will only make a docu-soap about you.

It's like... I can't even be nasty to YOU and you're me girlfriend.

Jonny, it'd be totally out of character for you to be nasty.

You never forget the washing up, or to pumice my corns.

You didn't even show those Polaroids to your mates. Now, that IS amazing.

It's not broken, but I think I need looking after for a bit. Right. I'll ring you a taxi to your mum's, then.

Oh...! No! I'm not your wet nurse. All I want is sex, sex, sex.

Sex, sex, sex? Where's the love, eh?

'Ere, I could get you a nurse's outfit.

Who from? Jonny. Jonny wears nurses' clothes? It's complicated.

Hey, I can go home. Nice one.

Oh, Janet, is there any chance me and Donna can borrow your nurse's outfit?

Um, about those Polaroids...

This is stupid. I've not even been on a diet, and the only exercise I've had is with Gaz. Actually...

No, forget it. Semen contains almost 5,000 calories per 100g.

Is that from the Rosemary Conley book?

No, it's on my Cindy Crawford video. She's a walking advert for spitting.

..Mind you, Gillian Taylforth don't look too bad.

Maybe that's all she eats.

Come on, you two. I've been waiting for this for days. Go on, then.

Yes!

Ohh!

What? What is it?

Your thighs. And your buttocks. I know, I'm thin, aren't I?

Yeah, but... Look at... Oh, that's minging! You've been...stretched.

Oh, my God! What is it?

Stretchmarks - from losing weight too fast. They fade in time, though.

Fade? To what? Little, silvery lines. I'll look like a stickleback!

Some men find them quite sexy. Really? No!

Who wants a relief map of Borneo on their thigh?

But... All my work. All pointless. What do I do?

Janet, where do you keep your pies?

Forget the pies! Get me some spunk... NOW!

I don't feel welcome. You don't live here.

I'm going.

When are you coming back for more sex? When Uranus circles...Mars!

Me arse?

By the way... 17 down, 4 words -

there's no such film as Bone With The Wind!