Original subtitles

Hey, what's up? I'm Chris Rock.

Each year, over 40,000 Americans die from gun-related violence.

This, despite the introduction of well-meaning gun exchange programs

Iike, "Toys for Guns" and "Money for Guns."

Now, we here at "The Chris Rock Show"

would like to reduce the number of handgun deaths.

But at the same time, we're not naive enough

to think that we can end violence altogether.

That's why tonight on "The Chris Rock Show" we are introducing

the Chris Rock "Knives for Guns Exchange."

Here's how it works.

If you hand in any handgun you will get one of these,

a genuine Navy Seal combat knife

designed specifically for killing.

And if you act within 24 hours, you will get one of these,

a handy plastic box cutter, perfect for high school

metal detectors and rap concerts.

I mean, why cause a huge disturbance

when you just wanna kill one guy?

So turn in those cold cowardly guns

for something a little more personal.

And remember kids, any punk can fire from across the room,

but it takes a man to get close enough to stab.

( theme music playing )

Announcer: From New York City,

it's "The Chris Rock Show."

Tonight, special guest, supermodel Tyson Beckford.

And musical guest, Maxwell.

Plus musical director, Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

What's up?

What's up?

What's up? Welcome.

Welcome to the show,

"The Chris Rock Show." All right.

A lot happened this week, a lot happened this week.

We had a crazy gunman on the Empire State Building

killed two people-- real sad.

You know what was real sad?

I know at least one guy died trying to jump off

before he got shot.

( laughter )

You know what's happening this week are the Marines--

the marines are now saying that Riddick Bowe

was discharged from boot camp for having a bad attitude.

Now when they asked Riddick Bowe to comment, he said, "Fuck the Marines."

Ah, what's up?

Still no arrests in the Jonbenet Ramsey case.

Not one arrest, you know why?

'Cause they rich. 'Cause they rich.

You know why they didn't arrest nobody?

'Cause there ain't no black butlers up there, that's why.

You know,

President Clinton rentin' out his house,

Letting people sleep at his house,

10 grand a night, everybody mad.

Hey, it's his house.

If I could get some money from people staying at my house, I damn sure would.

You see, I could never stay at the White House, never.

'cause, you know, if something's missing,

They're gonna blame a brother.

What else happened this week?

The Grammys, the Grammys were this week.

I hate the Grammys, 'cause the Grammys are always like behind.

They're always nominating records

that was four years old or something.

Like this year, best R&B record, "Kung Fu Fighting."

( laughter )

Hey, it's a joke.

Now everybody's talking about this cloning and shit.

Everybody's worrying about what will happen

as a result of cloning sheep.

What's gonna happen? I'll tell you what's gonna happen--

twice as many sheep, that's what's gonna happen.

Now, I had a wild day, man.

You know, all day just trying to get ready for the show.

So lunch time, I didn't know whether I should have

a club sandwich or a cheeseburger.

You feel like that sometimes, Flash?

I didn't know what to have. It was a real tough decision.

A lot of factors went into this decision,

but I finally decided to go with the cheeseburger.

Now joining us from Times Square

with a reaction to this decision is our own correspondent, Marvin Blazer.

Marvin.

Chris, opinions about the cheeseburger decision ran the gamut

here in Times Square this afternoon.

But the New Yorkers I talked to did have this in common,

they all had an opinion.

It's great man, I love burgers.

I think he made the right decision.

I would say, it's equal rights for cheeseburgers.

The person that they're forgetting here is the club sandwich.

I don't eat red meat, so I think he should

just pick up a fish burger or something.

You know, for the good of the community,

it's time that we put this cheeseburger behind us

and start thinking about what Chris is going to have for dinner.

Reporting from Times Square, I'm Marvin Blazer.

Now, Marvin, thanks a lot Marvin.

Now, of course there were other ramifications for this decision

being felt throughout the city.

Now joining us from Harlem, is our own Ali Leroi.

Chris, in reaction to the cheeseburger decision,

I've seen a lot of smiles out here in Harlem today.

The general feeling amongst the residents is,

"Hey, we did this."

I think this sends a powerful message

about the black community as a whole,

that Chris Rock likes cheeseburgers

more than he likes club sandwiches.

What's a club sandwich?

If a man wants to have a cheeseburger, shouldn't he be able to have one?

Sure he had a cheeseburger, but what was on it?

Were there fries, huh?

I say let's wait 'til all the facts come in

before we start all this celebrating.

Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

Well as you can see, all is calm here now.

The people have stopped chanting "cheeseburger,"

They've gone back into their homes.

Looks like it's going to be a nice night.

Reporting live from Harlem, I'm Ali Leroi.

Thank you, Ali. Now, we got a great show tonight.

We've got supermodel, Tyson Beckford.

We got, we got Maxwell tonight.

And we got my main man, Grandmaster Flash.

( turntable scratching )

( applause )

Now, as you know, HBO,

this network, that we're on right now,

has created some of television's best

reality-based programs like "Taxicab Confessions," "Real Sex."

Now, HBO has a new show

called "True Stories of the Justice Squad."

And I like this show so much,

I wanted to promote it right here.

So here's a segment from "True Stories of the Justice Squad."

Check this out. It's dope.

Announcer: "True Stories of the Justice Squad."

Ricco Bell, one of the FBl's 10 Most Wanted criminals.

Thousands like him walk the streets,

not knowing that the FBl has them marked for a fall.

Just watch as these undercover federal agents

engage the unwitting Bell in a brilliant game

of cat and mouse.

Acting as drug dealers, they offer to sell Bell cocaine

with a street value of five million,

all for $30,000.

A deal that a crooked, amoral man like Bell

finds impossible to resist.

The trick is with these guys to make them feel comfortable.

We gain their trust

and make them feel they're getting filthy rich.

Then we move in.

Announcer: Special agents Walker and Burns make Bell feel at home.

Little does he know, he's just taking the bait

for the big bust.

A couple of hours later, Bell leaves, coke in hand,

never suspecting that his gracious hosts are federal agents.

At this point, we had enough to bust him,

but we really wanted to put him away for good.

Announcer: Over the next five years,

Ricco's drug trade flourished

and he received free vacations and gifts including

this million dollar yacht, a private jet,

and a beautiful seaside home,

all courtesy of the DEA who worked hard to gain his confidence,

setting him up for the big bust.

Bell was treated to many coke parties

where he hobnobbed with prize fighters and celebrities.

He was invited to sing the national anthem at the World Series

and received the Congressional Medal of Honor.

And all the time, he was putting the noose around his own neck.

The FBl used their influence to get Bell's daughter

into Harvard University.

Ricco Bell could now be sure that his family would prosper

for generations to come.

But little did he know that his whole world

would soon come crashing down.

The operation was almost jeopardized when Ricco Bell

was arrested for multiple murders.

The prosecution had 40 eye witnesses.

It looked like it was the end of the DEA's case.

After all those years of careful hard work

collecting evidence on this guy,

and to see it all fall apart, couldn't let it happen.

Announcer: The DEA worked tirelessly to obtain Bell's acquittal.

In order to do so, they had to pin the murder rap

on eighth grade teacher, Jeff Stillson...

who eventually committed suicide,

Ieaving his family destitute.

Little did he know that he was helping to bring

a scumbag to justice.

Finally, on his 93rd birthday,

Ricco Bell tasted the bitter pill of justice.

( shouting )

Announcer: Charged with 90,000 counts of drug trafficking,

and driving with a suspended license,

Ricco Bell would spend the last 13 seconds of his life

In the federal penitentiary.

Just another filthy criminal brought to justice by...

the Justice Squad.

All right, my first guest can been seen in magazines,

newspapers, and billboards all across America.

And he is known as the exclusive model for Ralph Lauren.

Please welcome supermodel Tyson Beckford.

( applause and cheering )

Tyson: What's up, bro? How you doing?

I brought you a couple of gifts.

Ah, thanks a lot, what you got me now?

I got you a couple of t-shirts from my production company.

No muscle shirts, 'cause I ain't, you know.

No, you can cut the sleeves off.

Oh, okay. Man, let me ask you this.

Do people ever confuse you with Mike Tyson?

All the time, man.

Really, is that like white people confuse you?

Yeah, a little bit.

'Cause some white people go up to me,

I love "Do the Right Thing."

And you like, "What you talking about, man?"

But, I was in Vegas at the Tyson fight,

and I was in a designer store.

I'm not gonna mention the name 'cause I'll get in trouble,

'cause I had no business being in the store in the first place.

Anyway, I'm in the store--

- It wasn't Ralph Lauren. - You know this man.

You know what black people like to wear.

- Okay. - I was in the store.

You was in there too. You know what I'm saying.

So, I was in there, and they was like, "Tyson, Tyson, Tyson,"

So they think, it was fight week,

so everybody thought it was Mike Tyson in this store.

So they closed the store off.

I'm stuck in the store with these people I don't know.

And I was like, "l wanna get out of the store, man."

It was like, I came out, they said,

"Oh, it ain't Mike Tyson, it's just Tyson."

All right, you all want to be like that.

- Well, that's not that bad. - No, it's not bad.

It could be some woman going, "You raped my daughter."

Not me, not me!

( applause )

Now I see you all the time, man.

I see you all the time. I saw you last night.

And I always see these girls hovering around.

- You wasn't sober last night. - I was all right.

I always see these girls hovering around.

I see you talking to a girl.

Then I see the rest like, "squawk, squawk,"

hoping something will happen.

Now what's the wildest thing a woman ever did

to get your attention?

I was in a club here in New York, and a young lady,

she lifted her skirt up,

showed me that she ain't had on no underwear.

You know what I mean?

And her boyfriend was with her, and he was like--

"Look good, don't it?"

I'm like, because I was with my boys, and you know,

brothers be in the spot we-- yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she just came in the whole circle, and was like--

- Did it look good? - It looked good.

Her boyfriend was like--

but she was drunk.

Me and the boys was like,

"Hell no, we ain't messing with your ass."

Go on up outta here.

Boyfriend's like, "l don't mind."

Boys never mind.

The boys don't mind. Boys wanted to touch.

I had to-- stop that, don't touch that.

I'd go to jail for that.

So, that was one of the wildest things, man.

- That's pretty wild. - It can get wild though, man.

Nothing like that ever happens to me.

Never had nothing like that?

You need to roll with me.

I'm about to go down the street to the Spanish bar down here,

The Copacabana, so me and you can go.

Do you have certain boys you know

that just hang around you, just to get leftovers?

Yeah, right, I got my stockbroker.

He gonna be mad when he see this, but he do that.

I'm gonna meet up with him later on tonight.

Your stockbroker hangs out to get leftover girls?

I ain't mad at him.

And you trust this man with your money?

I never looked at it like that, but you right.

Man, she got nice ass. We'll get to the figures later.

( laughter )

You know, he gonna lose my money come Monday morning, boy.

Yeah, you better watch out.

I lost all your money here, but I met a real nice girl.

Was it easy for you to get girls

before you became Tyson the model?

Before the whole thing?

Sorta, kinda, 'cause I've always looked the same way,

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

But now it's "the money."

They're all like "Show me the money."

So you got, nowadays, it's a whole different thing.

But it was easy for me back then, I just used to--

Just show up.

Yeah, broke brother, show up.

You used to get women broke.

See I had to make a lot of money to get a woman, man.

And then they say, "Oh, he look good now."

Like we didn't look good before when we had no money.

You know, money takes away all your faults.

Money will turn a bald spot into a part.

( laughter )

Oh, boy.

You right about that.

So let me ask you then,

what advice would you have for me?

You slim man, I'd have to take you in the gym

and bulk you up a little bit, man.

So some nutriment?

Nutriment, like eating ice cream

early in the morning, something, bro.

- We got to fatten you up. - Biscuits.

Roscoe's, something, man.

Now as you know, we held a lottery earlier today.

And one of these lucky ladies in this audience

is going to win a date with you.

- You gonna pay for it? - That's right I'm gonna pay.

Courtesy of "The Chris Rock Show."

Now it's time to announce the winner.

I don't want to go to McDonald's though.

Rock: And the winner is:

Rita Miller.

Oh my god!

( screams )

Johnny, tell her what she won.

Tell her what she's won.

Announcer: you have won an exciting date with Tyson, the model.

You and Tyson will start your romantic evening

by watching an exclusive live performance by maxwell,

Right here, on "The Chris Rock Show" in about ten minutes.

After you are serenaded, you and Tyson will be swept away

to this hotel room,

where he will perform oral sex on you.

That's right, you'll have Tyson's perfect sculpted face

between your legs

in this beautiful Times Square hotel,

where you'll have sexual intercourse in many positions

including: doggie style, 69, the wheelbarrow,

and drowning the stupid zebra.

That's right, the amazing Tyson will do you all night long,

till your you-know-what is sore.

Then he'll sneak out while you're sleeping and he'll never call you.

Then you can tell all your friends what a dick he is.

All of the above,

courtesy of "The Chris Rock Show"

and HBO downtown productions.

All right.

So congratulations.

I wanna congratulate you, congratulate Rita.

I don't know how to do that wheelbarrow, though.

- lt'll be quite all right. - All right, all right.

( cheers and applause )

Female announcer: Tired of being stuck at home

because you don't have anybody to keep the kids?

Try new Video Mama.

It's the video kids watch while it watches them.

Just pop it in and go.

( children crying )

Sit down!

Announcer: Video Mama keeps the kids for up to six hours,

while you take care of your business.

Hey, get your ass down from there!

Don't make me come in there and get you!

Oh, do I look like I'm playing?!

Boy, don't you turn me off! And don't you turn me down either!

Announcer: Video Mama has versions for two to six kids.

And there's Video Mother.

Children, children, time out, time out.

And now, Video Mama comes in Spanish.

That's right, Video Madre,

( screaming in Spanish )

Try Video Mama, Video Mother, and new Video Madre.

Video Father unavailable.

( cheers and applause )

I am very privileged today to have as my guest,

the Reverend Benjamin Thomas.

Thanks for joining us, Reverend.

Now, could you tell us about your organization,

The National Black Consensus.

Chris, I'm here because the time has come

for us to make our objectives clear as to what our path should be.

And to make the choices ourselves

and not accept paths chosen by others.

Okay, so, what are your objectives?

Well, Chris, we need to find common ground amongst ourselves

and define what we mean when we say "It's not us or them,

but more we, and our principles."

Right, right.

But, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?

Well, Chris, I'm gonna answer your question with a question.

Who is responsible for our destiny, our direction,

If not those who take responsibility for their own actions?

Reverend, I have to admit, I'm a little confused.

Of course you're confused, Chris.

We're all confused. That's why we're here.

That's why we're here?

I mean, with all due respect, Reverend,

what the fuck do you want?

Chris,

Chris, I want what you want.

Well, I want you to tell me what you're talking about.

Chris, see, you're hearing me, but you're not listening.

No, you're talking, but you ain't saying shit.

Listen, Reverend, listen,

I'm gonna give you one last chance

to tell me what your organization is about.

Okay, Chris, let me break this down for you if I may.

Chris, this is us.

And this is where we're going.

Mmm?

( laughter )

Well, thanks for wasting our time.

Thank you for having me, Chris, thank you.

Doctor Benjamin Thomas, everyone, the Reverend.

( cheering and applause )

Tonight we have a Brooklyn born singer-songwriter

who brings his own unique brand of R&B.

Here to sing "Sumthin' Sumthin',"

please welcome Maxwell.

( cheers and applause )

( playing R&B music )

( cheers and applause )

Well, that's the show.

I'd like to thank my guests, Tyson Beckford, Maxwell,

Yo, Flash, play us out, baby.

( theme music playing )