All language subtitles for The.Chris.Rock.Show.S01E05.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

Hi. I know a lot of you must be
just tuning in and thinking,

"Shit. I missed
the 'Def Comedy Jam."'

But don't worry, I've got
highlights of tonight's show.

And here to give me a hand
is my tag-team partner,

Mr. Stuart Scott
from "ESPN Sports Center."

Thanks a lot, Chris.

There was plenty of action
on the boards tonight,

So let's get right to it.

Def started the night
with the traditional pre-show prayer.

Let's all give God
a round of applause, y'all.

For making it
possible for us all

to be up in
this motherfucker today.

Could I get a hallelujah
from the choir on that one?

A motherfucking hallelujah.

Where are the refs at?
They used to call that.

He shoulda known better than
to mix prayer and profanity.

That young stud should just
concentrate on the fundamentals.

They work on
that in Spring Training.

Now, Def got off
to a fast start

with a gentleman who goes
by the name of Talent

discussing his favorite
strip club.

I go to the Booty Shack,
the Grimy Shack.

Niggas know who make
the most money.

The bitch with
the most stretch marks.

Big Bertha bitch.

Give 'em a little
Heineken bottle?

Boom-chicka,
boom-chicka, boom-chicka.

Whoop.

Boom-chicka, boom-chicka.

Rock:
Let's have a look at that on replay.

Scott: Uh-huh, see, that's why
this kid's name is Talent.

I mean, look at
those moves, I think.

We can classify
that as the "mojo. "

Talent is definitely as cool
as the other side of the pillow.

Next up at the plate is a youngster
with phat potential.

Will, they're expecting
much flavor from this kid.

He's got some keen
observations

on the ongoing
battle of the sexes.

Titty fuckin'.

Let me show you
what I'm talkin' about.

Titty, you know!

When they put
the dick right here!

Rock: Now right here,
we have the female breasts.

And here is
the male genitalia.

The female breast presses
against the shaft

causing an explosion
of sperm.

My uncle lost
an eye like that.

Now all hell
is breaking loose.

The force of
the sperm knocks

his hat clean
off his head.

The sperm is now
being applied to his hair.

It's got vitamins in it.

Rock:
This man's the next Bill Cosby.

Booya!

Wish I had a nickel for every time
that's happened to me.

It's always a thrill to watch a man
explore his feminine side.

Now, the show appeared
unstoppable as a KG veteran

Bill Hill delivered some
provocative thoughts

on air safety.

Motherfucking planes
getting blowed up.

Y'all see that shit?

When we find the black box,

the black box will let us know what
we need to know about what happened.

I think that maybe we should
start making the planes

out of the shit
that we make the black box with.

What the fuck is goin' on?

Don't be bullshitting
with me, Miss Media.

Oh, whoa, flag on the play.

- What's the call?
- Looks like hacking.

This premise and punch line
was clearly stated by Dana Carvey

five years ago on
"Saturday Night Live."

It's the only thing
that survives the crash.

Why don't they build the whole
plane out of the black box?

Oh, that could
have been a show buster.

But big Mo was
on Def's side tonight

as Hill stormed
back to close strong.

It ain't nothing
like smokin' a blunt

with your girl in the bed,
butt naked

with a big ass bowl
of fruit loops on the floor.

With a pile ice cubes
and a frozen dinner!

Ain't nothing like that shit.

Can I get an amen
from the congregation.

That boy is no stranger
to a good time.

He sure is livin' large.

In bed with a woman, a blunt,
fruit loops and ice cubes.

Our sideline reporter,
Jon Hayman, has more.

Chris, as you can see.

I followed the instructions
to a T.

I've got my blunt, my lovely lady,
and my fruit loops.

But to tell you the truth,
it's not very exciting.

John, you forgot
the ice cubes.

Jeez, I'd lose my head
if it wasn't screwed on.

Of course, the ice cubes.

Mm, now, this is the bomb.

Can I get a witness?

Get one with a car, Stu,
'cause we're out of time.

In the words of Russell Simmons,
"God bless, good night."

Announcer:
From New York City,

it's "The Chris Rock Show. "

Tonight, "Saturday Night Live"'s
Tracy Morgan.

And musical guest
Erykah Badu.

Plus musical director
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

( cheers and applause )

You all been
watching the show?

Audience: Yeah!

On legal cable?

Audience: Yeah!

Got to get
that legal cable.

You know, for those
with illegal cable, fuck you.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna walk off right now.

Okay, here we are.
What's goin' on?

New York, Brooklyn.

I'm from Brooklyn,
and it's nuts.

A security guard at a Brooklyn
high school this week was fired

because he was a member
of the gang the Latin Kings.

Security guard,
he's the security guard.

Protecting us from the gangs.
He in the gang.

What kinda shit is this?

Now, he got another job
at another high school.

Now, he's a "Drive-by Ed"
instructor.

( laughter, applause )

In a gang?

Here's a big thing now,
New York cops are gonna--

they're gonna start using
hollow point bullets.

Hollow point bullets,
you know.

They say
they're kinder bullets.

It's a kinder, gentler bullet.

If it taps you, you dead.

You know, you shoot somebody,
ooh, that was nice.

A lot of people are mad
over this whole

hollow bullet thing.

People are mad.
"How dare they!"

"How dare they use
hollow point bullets!"

What the fuck do they think they're doin'
using hollow point bullets?

Hey, if you were worried
about what kind of bullets

the cops are using,
chances are you're doin'

some shit you're ain't
supposed to be doin'.

( applause )

A theater in Jersey
is getting death threats

and ticket cancellations

because a black man
is playing the part of Jesus.

You know, a black man
playing Jesus.

They're getting death threats
from church people.

From church people.
What kind of shit?

You Christian!

What kind of Christian is gonna give
death threats over some shit like that?

"Love thy neighbor,
but get that nigger off stage."

( laughter )

Well, what else?

Yesterday
ABC announced

that K.D. Lang
and Melissa Etheridge will star

on "Ellen" this week when
she announces that she's gay.

That's right, they got
a big gay show this week.

I'm gonna watch,
I'm gonna be there.

And you never know,
somethin' freaky might jump off.

But in a countermove,
just to compete with them

On "Seinfeld" this week,
Kramer's gonna fuck George in the ass.

( cheers and applause )

We got a great show
for you tonight.

We have a very funny comedian,
Tracy Morgan's here.

( cheers )

We got Erykah Badu.

We got Grandmaster Flash.

( turntable scratching )

But first I want you
to take a look at this.

Announcer:
You've tried the patch.

You've tried the gum.

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Announcer: Siggorette has
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A filter at the end,
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All you have to do is light
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And when it's finished,
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It's that easy.

Siggorette is like
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Every time I have
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I just light one of these, use it,

and the desire goes away,
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All it takes is like
10 or 20 of these a day.

I haven't smoked
in six months.

And I feel great.

Announcer: So throw those nasty things
away once and for all.

Siggorette will see that you
never smoke again.

Siggorette is also now available
in crush-proof 20 packs.

Buy a carton,
get a free Zippo lighter.

( applause )

Hey, Siggorettes.

Now, our guest tonight
is a New York comedian

who has appeared on "Martin,"
"Showtime at the Apollo,"

the "Def Comedy Jam,"
and you can currently watch him

every week on
"Saturday Night Live."

Please give it up
for Tracy Morgan, come on.

( cheers and applause )

All right, Trace.

- A.K.A. Hustle Man.
- No doubt.

That's where people
know you from.

So you're the new black guy
on "Saturday Night Live."

Yeah, the new black dude.

So, I was there
for a while.

I was there and Eddie was there,
and Damon was there.

Garret Morris was there.

You forgot my cousin,
Bobby.

He was security,
but he was there.

Bobby worked there
for a little bit.

But when shit was missing,
they, you know--

( laughter )

So now, you on "SNL."

I remember when I was there,
it was like this rule like,

"You're gonna play every
black guy we got."

- Everybody but Pearl Bailey.
- Yeah.

And if it's a rough week,
you gonna play Pearl Bailey too.

Who's the first
that you had to do?

Anything they wanted you to do
that you didn't want to do?

Yeah, they wanted me
to do black Jesus first.

They wanted you
to play black Jesus.

But I gave it to that kid.

I just want to make money,
that's all.

But now that he getting
all the press,

I want to play God.

So, okay, you're there,
you do that,

You didn't
play black Jesus.

What was the worst thing
they had you do so far?

Get buck naked.

You was buck naked there?

That was the first skit
that I did.

It was like "Welcome to 'Saturday Night
Live,' take your clothes off."

What did you have to do
in the sketch?

Did they have a joke for you?
Or were you just naked?

That was the joke.

I mean let's--
I'm not no hunk.

I have stretch marks
and everything.

I took my shirt off,
the whole crew got sick.

( laughter )

I could clear this whole room
out, wanna see?

Relax, we got more
show to go.

Naked man, that's you.

I got stretch marks
for days, baby.

What? You had kids?

"l got stretch marks
for days."

Right around here.

Now, when did you first
start doing comedy?

About five years ago,
professionally.

I was broke, out of a job.

So you were
a professional broke guy?

I got real funny,
you know.

So broke made you funny.
You didn't watch comedy tapes.

You said, "You know,
I'm going broke."

Comedy, that's what
I should be doin'.

I was broke and not
having no money

makes your sense
of humor grow, so.

I'm waking past the comedy club
and I heard 'em doin' jokes.

And I said, "I'm pretty funny
and plus I'm broke."

I went up in the piece.

And I was like,
can I get on stage?

And a lady was sitting
there takin', Miss Brown,

- How ya doin', Miss Brown?
- Yeah, she's watching.

She makes a good chicken
too, boy.

And potato salad.

- This is a nice comedy club.
- Yeah, a family thing.

It was up in Harlem, so you know
they got food up in there.

I went in there and I said,
"Can I get on stage?"

And she was like, "No,"
and I was about to walk out,

And one of bouncers was like,
"Yo, hold up, you funny?"

And I was like, "Yes."

He said, "Come back to
the workshop Wednesday."

Four months later,
I was on TV.

Thank you.

You know, I worked
on "Saturday Night Live"

and I watch "Saturday Night Live"
all the time.

They never give you
enough to do, man.

You should have
your own character.

You need your own character.

I mean the only way to get a lot of pull
on "Saturday Night Live"

is to have your own character
like "Wayne's World",

"Church Lady" and "Gumby."

You know, something
they can do every week

and make a movie
out of, you know?

I agree, I agree.

On "The Chris Rock Show"
we're gonna give you your own character.

Something for you to do.

Something you can make your mark.

And it's called
"The Loud But Wrong Guy."

It's the loud but wrong guy.
Let me explain this to you.

Now, you're always wrong,
but you're so loud,

you win the argument.

- Think you can do that?
- Yeah.

Let's give it a shot, okay.

"Loud But Wrong Guy,"
here we go.

Here's my point.

Ketchup is mustard.
They the same thing.

It's just
red fucking ketchup.

People are saying, "Are you putting
ketchup on your hot dog?"

And I be like,
"Fuck you."

It's the same fuckin' thing.
Ketchup is mustard.

What are you talkin' about?
That's ridiculous.

What's ridiculous is how
they conned you into believin'

that ketchup ain't mustard.

That's ridiculous.

'cause it's
the same fuckin' thing.

What are you talkin'
about, ya freak?

Look, you go to
the supermarket.

Where they at?
In the same aisle.

The same fucking thing.

- You know why?
- Why?

'Cause I know
that ketchup is mustard.

It's the same thing.

All right, all right,
you win the argument.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Tracy Morgan.

( cheers and applause )

That ketchup is mustard
the Loud but Wrong Man.

All right, in recent months--
share this with me.

I've been having
a lot happen in my life.

I got married,
I got my own show,

but I'm still missin'
somethin'.

I'm still feeling
a little hollow inside.

And I think I know
what it is.

I need to get in touch
with my spiritual side.

Basically what
needs to happen

is I need to find God
before God finds me.

So what I did, me and my crew
went out on a spiritual journey.

So take a look at this.

Milliner: He that is weak
to the flesh cannot save Man.

God did by sending
his only begotten son.

Are there any black Jews?

There are lots of black Jews.

I am a high priestess
in the Wiccan religion,

also known as witchcraft.

Also known
as witchcraft.

The Mennonites are Christians,
of course, first of all.

"Mennonite" is an adjective
and "Christian" is a noun.

In other words,
we're first of all Christians.

Rock: Okay, so you're like
a borough of the city.

- That's right.
- You're like Brooklyn.

The lack of money
is the root of all evil.

The lack. So money's
not the root of all evil.

Oh, no, no, no.

And you are?

The Reverend Run.
Run DMC.

- okay.
- I'm from Zoe Ministries.

How would I become a swami?

Well first you want
to practice yoga.

Breathe, breathe,
breathe.

- Is there any hazing?
- What does that mean?

They beat you up before
you go in there

to make sure
you're swami material.

I know you're in there!

I need some religion.

So mainly the atheist position
is that religion

is an induced addiction
and it's really a mental disease.

Do you know how much
you can love the Lord

sitting in the back of
a Rolls Royce Phantom Five?

You should hear me
in the back seat there,

just singin'
and talkin' in tongues.

( sings prayer )

So what would hell be like?

Hell is something--

you know, like when you go
into your underground here,

and someone is trying
to chase you with a knife.

That's hell, isn't it?

So, hell's like the Bronx?

Hell is the soul on fire
with its own misery.

( laughs )

Is there a heaven?

We call it Summerland,
but yes, there is.

Summerland,
so it's like in Miami.

No, it's not in Miami.

How many Rolls Royces
do you have?

Oh, I don't remember.

- Can you drink alcohol?
- Of course.

They towed
my Rolls Royce.

They towed
your Rolls Royce?

Phantom Five,
no respect!

They probably didn't know
what it was.

( singing hymn )

Help me!
Let me in!

- Is it okay to masturbate?
- No.

- What about masturbation?
- All of that is sinful.

How does your church
view masturbation?

( buzzer )

Is it okay to masturbate
in this religion?

Yes.

( bell rings )

( fast rapping )

Godism is just a tool

to keep a certain class
of people in business.

It's an industry.

Here's one tape album
on how to prosper

regardless of world
conditions.

And whenever there's
a so-called recession,

I teach people, "You don't
have to take part in it."

Okay.

Love of money
is something

that we think often interferes
with our love for God.

Do you consider yourself
a black leader?

No, I'm a green leader.

I mean, some people say
Jesus was a black man.

Would you say
Jesus was a green man?

I definitely say that
Jesus was a green man.

Oh, I'm not leavin'!
I got time!

There's not much money,
because the money which comes in,

goes back into-into?

- lnto me?
- lnto you.

Just show me the money.

Swing low,
sweet chariot.

Coming for
to carry me home.

Jesus is not a drag.

( laughs )

Just show me the money.

( applause and cheers )

Our musical guest's
debut album, "Baduizm,"

has reached number one
on the billboard charts.

Here to perform her special
blend of R&B and hip hop,

In her song "On and On."

Please give it up
for Erykah Badu.

( R&B music playing )

( applause )

Well, that's our show
for tonight.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Next week my guest
will be Oprah Winfrey.

Now, I'd like to roll
a clip of that,

but we haven't taped
the show yet,

so I want you to take a look
at this pre-enactment.

Oprah, I don't know what to say.

You look so good.

Thanks a lot, Chris.

You know, I've learned
with the help of my trainer

that it's not just what you eat,
but how much and when.

I mean, your man must be
so happy with the new you.

Oh, thank you so much.
Stedman is ecstatic.

That Stedman
is one lucky man.

Yeah, when you talk
about luck, it's Stedman.

A lucky son of a bitch,
Stedman.

I'd like to thank our guests
Tracy Morgan, Erykah Badu.

I want to thank all y'all
for coming out.

Flash, play us out!

( theme music playing )

Still here!
Wake up!

What are you,
asleep?

I know, feels bad,
don't it?

Come on!