Original subtitles

When I first heard that HBO was looking for someone

to host "The Chris Rock Show,"

I thought to myself, "Hey, I got a shot."

When Chris first auditioned for "The Chris Rock Show,"

he was cocky. I like that.

I didn't think the audition was going that well,

but then they asked me if my name was Chris Rock.

I said, "Yes, it is."

Chris blew away most of the competition.

I mean, nobody else out there was named Chris Rock.

I consider myself pretty lucky.

My parents almost named me Rico.

Early on, we were this close to getting David Alan Grier.

One day I got a call from this crazy motherfucker at HBO

about hosting a show.

He wanted me to change my name to Chris Rock.

I told him to kiss my ass.

When all is said and done, picking a host

for "The Chris Rock Show" was a no-brainer.

Get me Chris Rock, for cryin' out loud.

Well, I got the job.

And it just goes to show you, with hard work and perseverance

and if your name is Chris Rock,

you just might succeed.

( theme music playing )

Announcer: From New York City,

it's "The Chris Rock Show."

Tonight, late night host Conan O'Brien.

Musical guest Wyclef Jean.

Plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock!

( cheering, applause )

Yes, yes, yes, yes. How you all doing?

All right, all right.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Flash, Flash, you got the orange

and gray thing going on today,

yeah, you know, uptown.

You can tell he's from uptown, Flash.

Now, now what's goin' on right now?

Yesterday, Al Sharpton-- I feel sorry for Al--

was declared a loser in the race

for mayor of New York City.

Al Sharpton declared a loser in the race

for the mayor of New York City.

and Al Sharpton said, "Hey, it ain't over

till the fat man eats a big ol' plate of greens."

( laughter and applause )

Now earlier this week, Rudy Giuliani

called Al Sharpton unqualified to be mayor.

Unqualified to be mayor.

And Sharpton said, "Hey, not only am l

qualified to be mayor of New York City,

but someday I'm gonna be mayor of the whole world."

( laughter and applause )

And you know, right now the police department,

New York City Police Department just said they're gonna start givin' out

$1,000-- $1,000 cash rewards

for officers who do their jobs well.

$1000 just to do your job well?

They don't pay pilots an extra $1000

just 'cause they land the plane.

You didn't crash, here's some money.

No, they don't do that.

We're not dead, here's a check.

No, they don't do that.

What's the woman, the Clinton woman?

Paula Jones is now saying that she wants a doctor

to snap photos of President Clinton's dick.

She wants pictures of his dick.

Now let me get this straight--

if she was so traumatized the first time she saw his dick,

what the fuck she want a picture of it for?

( laughter, applause )

Now, at the University of California

there's a new class teaching the poetry of Tupac Shakur.

A class, Tupac class.

Ain't that cool?

( applause )

Tupac class.

You know he was playin' hooky, now he's in class every day.

You know what I mean?

It's a tough class, now, 'cause for the final exam, you gotta get shot.

( laughter and applause )

Hey, I'll take the incomplete.

A law professor in Texas said that black

and hispanic students cannot compete with whites.

Now, black students are boycotting his class.

That's not a good idea 'cause now the professor's goin',

"See, I told you them niggers don't like school."

( laughter and applause )

Yesterday, OJ's lawyer--

Johnnie Cochran, my man Johnnie.

Johnnie, is representin'-- what's that man-- that plunger guy--

Lamoomba. What's his name?

Louima, Louima.

You know, you get a plunger, you know, you would think

I would remember your name after something like that.

Johnnie said, "l already have my closing statement ready."

His closing statement will be:

"lf the plunger's in his ass, he gonna get a lot of cash."

( laughter, applause )

We got a great show tonight.

We got a very-- we got a great show tonight.

We got a very funny talk show host, my man

Conan O'Brien's in the house.

( applause )

We got Wyclef Jean in the house.

( applause, cheers )

Right now, I want you to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.

( record scratching )

( applause )

Now, I've been havin' a real good year, man.

A lot of good things have been happenin' to me.

MTV awards, "Rolling Stone"-- a lot of cool things have happened to me.

But one of the most exciting things that's happened to me this year

is that I've have been able to fulfill one of my life-long dreams.

That's right, this year I received my honorary

GED degree.

( applause )

So I would like to share this experience with you.

Chris, it gives me great pleasure

to present you with this honorary GED degree.

Thank you, Dean Palmer.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

And I do mean lucky.

I mean, I don't have to tell you how hard it is

to earn your GED.

Some of you gave up up to six hours of your life

tryin' to pass this multiple-choice test.

And at times I know you must have second-guessed yourselves,

fillin' out "C" when the answer could have so easily been "B."

You kids, you are the best and brightest

our nation has to offer.

Your GED will open up many doors.

The opportunities are limitless.

Some of you may go on to lay down tar

on the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

Others of you will scale fish. Some of you will pluck chickens.

Some of you will be lookouts

for crack whores on the streets of New York.

Good luck and God bless.

( cheering, laughter )

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My first guest tonight is the host

of his own late night television program.

Please give it up for Conan O'Brien.

( hip-hop music playing )

- How ya doin'? - Good.

- You look good. - Thank you.

Conan!

Hey, hey, everybody's talkin' about Jay-- Jay and Dave.

You got the best show by far.

Oh, that's nice of you to say.

No, no, no.

You got the best show!

( cheering and applause )

Well, I do.

Come on, they want to see us fight.

They do.

You know they try to get us to fight all the time.

- Yeah. - But the feud's over.

The famous feud you and I have always had.

The famous Chris Rock- Conan O'Brien feud.

We got to end that thing.

We're not ever gonna work together, never again.

After that last movie.

I know, no one watched that movie.

Buddy cops, I'm a slob, he's neat.

No one saw it. No one cared, did they?

No one cared. "He's from Harvard, he's an ex-con.

Can you guess which one?"

Now, that was the name of the movie,

- "Can You Guess Which One?" - Yeah, that title sucks.

What are you, like 7' tall?

I'm a big freak as you all know. People are stunned.

A big freak like Wilt Chamberlain's a freak, or--

No, not that way. I don't get that kind of action.

But people don't know that. I do the show and I sit there,

and I just go, "Our next guest is blblbl."

You go like that all the time?

I'm like, "blblbl." You've seen the show.

Could you introduce Ben Vereen now?

That's right. Ben Vereen, "blblbl."

So people see me in person and--

So, if the Pope came on, how would you introduce him?

"Blblbl" the Pope.

I work for with this man.

So, no, but in person I'm 6' 4" tall.

I'm incredibly sexy.

I have a very, I have a very-- watch it.

I have a very-- I have a very pleasing odor.

And, so it's funny, people have no idea that I'm that tall.

They have no clue.

Now, while anybody over like 6' 3", if you're not

playin' basketball, people think you're wastin' your time.

Exactly. I'm one of those guys who I show up on the basketball court

and all my life as a kid, people were like,

"this guy is 6' 4" tall, he's from Boston,

you know he looks like kinda like Larry Byrd,

he's gotta be amazing."

And the problem is I lack one small thing, which is coordination.

And on the basketball court I'm like a guy on stilts.

I'm like, "whoa!"

So, what I do is, I act really cool when I show up.

I don't touch the ball,

because the minute I touch the ball it's gonna be like, "Uh!"

You know, so I don't touch the ball.

- Stay away from the ball. - Stay away from the ball.

I hang around and I stretch and stuff like that.

I lick my hands.

And people are like, "That guy's good, that guy's good."

So what happens is, I get them to fight over me.

And they're like, "No, we want him, we want him, we want him."

Then they pick me and I'm like, "Right guys, let's play a little hoops, okay?"

Then they throw me the ball, and I'm like, "Ahhh!"

And then I'm a horrible freak the rest of the game,

and I don't even understand the principle of the game.

If you're a tall guy, you're supposed to stand--

- Under the basket. - under the basket, exactly, right.

And what I do is whenever I get a pass from the basket, I dribble way outside.

- I dribble way outside-- - That's how you dribble?

Yeah, like this.

That might be one of the problems, right there.

But I dribble way, way outside to like

not even, past three-point, past five-point.

I go out to like nine-point range.

Then I get the ball, and everyone else on my team's like, "No!"

And I go, "Uh!"

And it dribbles away on my feet and then I start crying.

And that's usually how it goes.

Well, at least people look at you and say,

- "Hey, you can play basketball." - That's right.

You have the body. I'm a little skinny guy.

"Man, you should play Kick the Can.

If you work at it, when you get old

you could kick some cans."

( laughter )

You'll get there, You'll get there.

Now, your show--

you came pretty much out of nowhere.

Now, are people like comin' up to you?

Like do you got old girlfriends comin' up to you,

even girls that paid you no mind comin' up to you?

Well, what's strange is that

I'm much different than I was when I was in high school.

You're rich?

Yeah, I got money now, but not that much.

When I was in high school,

I swear to God, I was this height, very tall guy,

I was 155 pounds.

Wow.

One woman just fainted.

- And I had bad skin. - Wow.

And my voice is like Barry White now

compared to what it was in high school.

You're like Archie or some shit.

I was-- it was a lot worse.

No Archie-- I was like half Archie, half Jughead.

I would have loved to have been Archie.

- Archhead? - Archhead.

A little-known character. And so what I would like to do--

I didn't have girlfriends back then.

I think the thing to do is,

I think now I'm ready to go back to high school.

'Cause it's like when I watch "Beverly Hills, 90210,"

I look at those people and I think,

"All those kids are in their early 30s, all right?

They know how to dress, they've got clean skin, they have money.

They know how to talk to the ladies.

They drive around in sports cars."

I would like to go back to high school now.

And I think it would be a lot more fun.

You should go back too.

Every now and then I bump into some girl,

and she goes, "You know, I used to have a crush on you."

It's like, "No, you didn't."

- "Then why did you--" - "Don't lie.

You were fuckin' the basketball player."

You had a crush on me. Yeah, right.

You crushed my heart.

Aw, aw.

He's gonna be all right.

- It's been great havin' you here. - Thank you.

It's been great to have you here.

Now, I understand there's something you want to do for the crowd.

Yeah, there kinda is.

I do my show on network. I do it on NBC.

And you guys, you have such an amazing audience here.

- And this show is-- you do. - ( cheering, applause )

You just do.

You know I didn't say that to get cheap applause,

though I'm really glad it worked.

But this is cable and it's different and I thought,

it's such a different crowd than what I'm used to.

Is it okay if I try some material that I've always wanted to do

that I never get to do on my show?

- Is it okay if I do that? - Yeah, yeah.

- Conan O'Brien! - Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - ( cheering and applause )

So what's up, huh?

Boy, that Wu Tang Clan is dope, aren't they?

( cheering and applause )

I gotta say, my favorite is the Old Dirty Bastard.

Know what I mean?

I'm tellin' ya, that ODB has some brown teeth, ya know?

You know those teeth are so brown

when he drinks water, it turns into iced tea.

( cheering and applause )

I wanna talk about women for just a second.

I saw a girl at a party last night

and I'm tellin' ya, her weave was lookin' real shabby.

( laughter )

I'm tellin' ya, her weave was so bad it needed a perm.

Know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, she was one ugly bitch, yeah.

I mean she was tore off, this woman.

She gave me her number and told me I should make a booty call.

And I'm thinkin', "Your ass belongs in a zoo.

I'm gonna make a zooty call." Peace.

( cheering and applause )

Conan O'Brien.

Give it up for Conan O'Brien.

( hip-hop music playing )

Now, have you ever watched those late-night television infomercials?

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And in just a few months, I went from my mama's house

to the penthouse.

And you can too, if you learn my secret money makin' system:

Iottery tickets.

Hey, I used to be just like you,

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Well, look at me now. That's right.

And listen to how the Malcolm Monroe money makin' system

can work for you.

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That's 35 tickets a week, and in only two years

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that was a 2000% return on my investment.

Thank you, Malcolm Monroe.

Keep in mind, that when you use the Malcolm Monroe money makin' system

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You can use seven, eight, 24--

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If you put $50 in the bank and come back two days later,

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( man speaking )

( woman speaking )

Man: Hey, motherfucker, answer the goddamn phone.

Listen, bitch, Don't make me come up there and beat your ass.

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I know about the scratch-off lottery.

You'll learn secrets like: scratchin' all the boxes at once;

scratching off the boxes one at a time;

scratchin' off the boxes vertically;

scratchin' off the boxes horizontally;

scratchin' off the boxes' corners first, then the insides;

scratchin' off the boxes' insides first, then the corners;

scratchin' off the boxes willy-nilly;

scratchin' off every other box and then going back

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scratchin' off the boxes you feel have the winning numbers

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Remember, I went from my mama's house to the penthouse,

and you can too.

In fact, if you buy my money makin' system,

I'll give you an unconditional guarantee

it'll make at least one of us rich.

And that's my promise.

Announcer: May not actually constitute a real promise.

Cheers.

My next guest has everything

from raw hip-hop to classical

on his debut solo album, "The Carnival." It's my favorite album.

Here to perform "Gone Till November"

is Wyclef Jean and the Urban Youth Symphony. Come on.

( cheering and applause )

( music continues )

( applause )

Yo, thanks a lot.

That's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank my guests Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean.

See you next week!

Yo, Flash take us out.

And don't forget to watch "Bring The Pain" this Monday night.

Peace, Flash!

( theme music playing )