All language subtitles for The.Chris.Rock.Show.S01E02.720p.HMAX.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

When I first heard that HBO
was looking for someone

to host
"The Chris Rock Show,"

I thought to myself,
"Hey, I got a shot."

When Chris first auditioned
for "The Chris Rock Show,"

he was cocky.
I like that.

I didn't think the audition
was going that well,

but then they asked me
if my name was Chris Rock.

I said, "Yes, it is."

Chris blew away most
of the competition.

I mean, nobody else out there
was named Chris Rock.

I consider myself
pretty lucky.

My parents almost
named me Rico.

Early on, we were this close
to getting David Alan Grier.

One day I got a call from
this crazy motherfucker at HBO

about hosting a show.

He wanted me to change
my name to Chris Rock.

I told him
to kiss my ass.

When all is said and done,
picking a host

for "The Chris Rock Show"
was a no-brainer.

Get me Chris Rock,
for cryin' out loud.

Well, I got the job.

And it just goes to show you,
with hard work and perseverance

and if your name
is Chris Rock,

you just might succeed.

( theme music playing )

Announcer: From New York City,

it's "The Chris Rock Show."

Tonight, late night host
Conan O'Brien.

Musical guest
Wyclef Jean.

Plus musical director
Grandmaster Flash.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!

( cheering, applause )

Yes, yes, yes, yes.
How you all doing?

All right, all right.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Flash, Flash,
you got the orange

and gray thing
going on today,

yeah, you know, uptown.

You can tell he's
from uptown, Flash.

Now, now what's goin'
on right now?

Yesterday, Al Sharpton--
I feel sorry for Al--

was declared
a loser in the race

for mayor
of New York City.

Al Sharpton declared
a loser in the race

for the mayor
of New York City.

and Al Sharpton said,
"Hey, it ain't over

till the fat man eats
a big ol' plate of greens."

( laughter and applause )

Now earlier this week,
Rudy Giuliani

called Al Sharpton
unqualified to be mayor.

Unqualified to be mayor.

And Sharpton said,
"Hey, not only am l

qualified to be mayor
of New York City,

but someday I'm gonna be mayor
of the whole world."

( laughter and applause )

And you know, right now
the police department,

New York City Police Department
just said they're gonna start givin' out

$1,000--
$1,000 cash rewards

for officers
who do their jobs well.

$1000 just
to do your job well?

They don't pay pilots
an extra $1000

just 'cause
they land the plane.

You didn't crash,
here's some money.

No, they don't do that.

We're not dead,
here's a check.

No, they don't do that.

What's the woman,
the Clinton woman?

Paula Jones is now saying
that she wants a doctor

to snap photos
of President Clinton's dick.

She wants pictures
of his dick.

Now let me
get this straight--

if she was so traumatized
the first time she saw his dick,

what the fuck she want
a picture of it for?

( laughter, applause )

Now, at the University
of California

there's a new class teaching
the poetry of Tupac Shakur.

A class, Tupac class.

Ain't that cool?

( applause )

Tupac class.

You know he was playin' hooky,
now he's in class every day.

You know what I mean?

It's a tough class, now, 'cause
for the final exam, you gotta get shot.

( laughter and applause )

Hey, I'll take
the incomplete.

A law professor in Texas
said that black

and hispanic students
cannot compete with whites.

Now, black students
are boycotting his class.

That's not a good idea 'cause
now the professor's goin',

"See, I told you them niggers
don't like school."

( laughter and applause )

Yesterday, OJ's lawyer--

Johnnie Cochran,
my man Johnnie.

Johnnie, is representin'--
what's that man-- that plunger guy--

Lamoomba.
What's his name?

Louima, Louima.

You know, you get a plunger,
you know, you would think

I would remember your name
after something like that.

Johnnie said, "l already
have my closing statement ready."

His closing statement will be:

"lf the plunger's in his ass,
he gonna get a lot of cash."

( laughter, applause )

We got a great show tonight.

We got a very-- we got
a great show tonight.

We got a very funny
talk show host, my man

Conan O'Brien's
in the house.

( applause )

We got Wyclef Jean
in the house.

( applause, cheers )

Right now, I want you
to give it up for Grandmaster Flash.

( record scratching )

( applause )

Now, I've been havin'
a real good year, man.

A lot of good things
have been happenin' to me.

MTV awards, "Rolling Stone"-- a lot
of cool things have happened to me.

But one of the most exciting things
that's happened to me this year

is that I've have been able to
fulfill one of my life-long dreams.

That's right, this year
I received my honorary

GED degree.

( applause )

So I would like to share
this experience with you.

Chris, it gives me
great pleasure

to present you with this
honorary GED degree.

Thank you,
Dean Palmer.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest
man on the face of the earth.

And I do mean lucky.

I mean, I don't have
to tell you how hard it is

to earn your GED.

Some of you gave up
up to six hours of your life

tryin' to pass
this multiple-choice test.

And at times I know you must
have second-guessed yourselves,

fillin' out "C" when the answer
could have so easily been "B."

You kids, you are the best
and brightest

our nation has to offer.

Your GED will open up
many doors.

The opportunities
are limitless.

Some of you may go on
to lay down tar

on the Cross-Bronx
Expressway.

Others of you will scale fish.
Some of you will pluck chickens.

Some of you
will be lookouts

for crack whores
on the streets of New York.

Good luck and God bless.

( cheering, laughter )

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

My first guest tonight
is the host

of his own late night
television program.

Please give it up
for Conan O'Brien.

( hip-hop music playing )

- How ya doin'?
- Good.

- You look good.
- Thank you.

Conan!

Hey, hey, everybody's talkin'
about Jay-- Jay and Dave.

You got the best show
by far.

Oh, that's nice
of you to say.

No, no, no.

You got the best show!

( cheering and applause )

Well, I do.

Come on, they want
to see us fight.

They do.

You know they try to get
us to fight all the time.

- Yeah.
- But the feud's over.

The famous feud
you and I have always had.

The famous Chris Rock-
Conan O'Brien feud.

We got to end that thing.

We're not ever gonna
work together, never again.

After that last movie.

I know, no one watched
that movie.

Buddy cops,
I'm a slob, he's neat.

No one saw it.
No one cared, did they?

No one cared. "He's from
Harvard, he's an ex-con.

Can you guess which one?"

Now, that was the name
of the movie,

- "Can You Guess Which One?"
- Yeah, that title sucks.

What are you,
like 7' tall?

I'm a big freak as you all
know. People are stunned.

A big freak like
Wilt Chamberlain's a freak, or--

No, not that way.
I don't get that kind of action.

But people don't know that.
I do the show and I sit there,

and I just go,
"Our next guest is blblbl."

You go like that
all the time?

I'm like, "blblbl."
You've seen the show.

Could you introduce
Ben Vereen now?

That's right.
Ben Vereen, "blblbl."

So people see
me in person and--

So, if the Pope came on,
how would you introduce him?

"Blblbl" the Pope.

I work for with this man.

So, no, but in person
I'm 6' 4" tall.

I'm incredibly sexy.

I have a very,
I have a very-- watch it.

I have a very--
I have a very pleasing odor.

And, so it's funny, people have
no idea that I'm that tall.

They have no clue.

Now, while anybody over like
6' 3", if you're not

playin' basketball, people think
you're wastin' your time.

Exactly. I'm one of those guys
who I show up on the basketball court

and all my life as a kid,
people were like,

"this guy is 6' 4" tall,
he's from Boston,

you know he looks like kinda
like Larry Byrd,

he's gotta be amazing."

And the problem is I lack one small
thing, which is coordination.

And on the basketball court
I'm like a guy on stilts.

I'm like, "whoa!"

So, what I do is, I act
really cool when I show up.

I don't touch the ball,

because the minute I touch the ball
it's gonna be like, "Uh!"

You know, so I don't
touch the ball.

- Stay away from the ball.
- Stay away from the ball.

I hang around and I stretch
and stuff like that.

I lick my hands.

And people are like, "That guy's
good, that guy's good."

So what happens is,
I get them to fight over me.

And they're like, "No, we want
him, we want him, we want him."

Then they pick me and I'm like, "Right
guys, let's play a little hoops, okay?"

Then they throw me the ball,
and I'm like, "Ahhh!"

And then I'm a horrible freak
the rest of the game,

and I don't even understand
the principle of the game.

If you're a tall guy,
you're supposed to stand--

- Under the basket.
- under the basket, exactly, right.

And what I do is whenever I get a pass
from the basket, I dribble way outside.

- I dribble way outside--
- That's how you dribble?

Yeah, like this.

That might be one
of the problems, right there.

But I dribble way,
way outside to like

not even, past three-point,
past five-point.

I go out to like
nine-point range.

Then I get the ball, and everyone else
on my team's like, "No!"

And I go, "Uh!"

And it dribbles away on my feet
and then I start crying.

And that's usually
how it goes.

Well, at least people
look at you and say,

- "Hey, you can play basketball."
- That's right.

You have the body.
I'm a little skinny guy.

"Man, you should play
Kick the Can.

If you work at it,
when you get old

you could kick some cans."

( laughter )

You'll get there,
You'll get there.

Now, your show--

you came pretty much
out of nowhere.

Now, are people like
comin' up to you?

Like do you got old girlfriends
comin' up to you,

even girls that paid you
no mind comin' up to you?

Well, what's strange is that

I'm much different than I was
when I was in high school.

You're rich?

Yeah, I got money now,
but not that much.

When I was in high school,

I swear to God, I was this
height, very tall guy,

I was 155 pounds.

Wow.

One woman just fainted.

- And I had bad skin.
- Wow.

And my voice is
like Barry White now

compared to what it
was in high school.

You're like Archie
or some shit.

I was--
it was a lot worse.

No Archie-- I was like
half Archie, half Jughead.

I would have loved
to have been Archie.

- Archhead?
- Archhead.

A little-known character.
And so what I would like to do--

I didn't have
girlfriends back then.

I think the thing
to do is,

I think now I'm ready to go
back to high school.

'Cause it's like when I watch
"Beverly Hills, 90210,"

I look at those people
and I think,

"All those kids are in
their early 30s, all right?

They know how to dress, they've
got clean skin, they have money.

They know how to talk
to the ladies.

They drive around
in sports cars."

I would like to go back
to high school now.

And I think it would be
a lot more fun.

You should go back too.

Every now and then
I bump into some girl,

and she goes, "You know,
I used to have a crush on you."

It's like,
"No, you didn't."

- "Then why did you--"
- "Don't lie.

You were fuckin'
the basketball player."

You had a crush on me.
Yeah, right.

You crushed my heart.

Aw, aw.

He's gonna be all right.

- It's been great havin' you here.
- Thank you.

It's been great
to have you here.

Now, I understand there's something
you want to do for the crowd.

Yeah,
there kinda is.

I do my show on network.
I do it on NBC.

And you guys, you have such
an amazing audience here.

- And this show is-- you do.
- ( cheering, applause )

You just do.

You know I didn't say that
to get cheap applause,

though I'm really glad
it worked.

But this is cable and it's
different and I thought,

it's such a different crowd
than what I'm used to.

Is it okay if I try some material
that I've always wanted to do

that I never get
to do on my show?

- Is it okay if I do that?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Conan O'Brien!
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- ( cheering and applause )

So what's up, huh?

Boy, that Wu Tang Clan
is dope, aren't they?

( cheering and applause )

I gotta say, my favorite
is the Old Dirty Bastard.

Know what I mean?

I'm tellin' ya, that ODB
has some brown teeth, ya know?

You know those teeth
are so brown

when he drinks water,
it turns into iced tea.

( cheering and applause )

I wanna talk about women
for just a second.

I saw a girl at a party
last night

and I'm tellin' ya, her weave
was lookin' real shabby.

( laughter )

I'm tellin' ya, her weave
was so bad it needed a perm.

Know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, she was
one ugly bitch, yeah.

I mean she was tore off,
this woman.

She gave me her number and told
me I should make a booty call.

And I'm thinkin',
"Your ass belongs in a zoo.

I'm gonna make
a zooty call." Peace.

( cheering and applause )

Conan O'Brien.

Give it up
for Conan O'Brien.

( hip-hop music
playing )

Now, have you ever watched those
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Well, last night I saw one
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so why don't you watch this?

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But then I stumbled upon a way
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And in just a few months,
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to the penthouse.

And you can too, if you learn
my secret money makin' system:

Iottery tickets.

Hey, I used to be
just like you,

having to depend
on my personality to get women.

Well, look at me now.
That's right.

And listen to how the Malcolm
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Thank you, Malcolm Monroe.

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You can use seven,
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But don't freak out, 'cause Malcolm
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( man speaking )

( woman speaking )

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Listen, bitch, Don't make me
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scratching off the boxes
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scratchin' off
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scratchin' off
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scratchin' off the boxes'
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Announcer: May not actually
constitute a real promise.

Cheers.

My next guest
has everything

from raw hip-hop
to classical

on his debut solo album,
"The Carnival." It's my favorite album.

Here to perform
"Gone Till November"

is Wyclef Jean and the
Urban Youth Symphony. Come on.

( cheering and applause )

( music continues )

( applause )

Yo, thanks a lot.

That's our show for tonight.

I'd like to thank my guests
Conan O'Brien, Wyclef Jean.

See you next week!

Yo, Flash take us out.

And don't forget to watch
"Bring The Pain" this Monday night.

Peace, Flash!

( theme music playing )