Original subtitles

Where's the money?

I tell you, I need just a few more days.

Please, I can get it.

What are you gonna do to me?

Movie starts in three minutes.

If you don't tell us where the money is,

we're gonna cut your fingers of during the opening credits.

Titles. Credits come at the end of the movie. Titles come first.

Fine, titles.

We're gonna cut 'em off during the fucking titles.

The shows starts in two minutes.

I tell ya, I just need a couple more days.

Please, don't do it.

No! I'm telling you, don't do it!

You gotta listen to me,

whatever you do, don't do it.

Do you hear me?

Don't do it.

The show starts in one minute.

We gotta get him out of there.

Devine hasn't given a signal. We move when Devine gives the signal.

Maybe he forgot it, Ray. He's tied to a chair.

That's Sal Rossi, Jr. Down there, right?

Dancing popcorn. Jesus Christ.

Screw the signal. I say we get him out of there.

No, wait. Devine hasn't given a signal

because he wants Rossi to take a finger.

What are you talking about?

Take a finger? What if you're wrong, Ray?

What if he forgot the fucking signal?

Look, don't you get it? If Sal takes that finger,

we get him for assault, attempted murder. That's 20 years.

This is crazy. He doesn't want us to wait, Ray.

He doesn't want us to wait while some psycho takes his finger.

This is Devine's detail, and he wants us to wait.

The dancing hotdog. Jesus Christ!

All right, you get some ice. You get the finger.

Aah!

Hello. I'm home.

Sasha, where are you? I have presents.

Sasha!

Mr. Devine, I tried calling you.

They said it was impossible to reach you. I even tried that special number.

I have these presents I wanna give to Sasha. Where is she?

I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.

She killed herself.

What?

The Jacuzzi. She threw herself into the Jacuzzi.

I tried to find you. It was horrible.

Well, no, maybe she fell in.

Oh, there was a witness. Alejandro, the gardener's son.

It was suicide.

Suicide?

She was lonely. She couldn't stand it anymore.

Why the fuck didn't you go outside and play with her?

Throw the little red ball with her?

I'm sorry, Mr. Devine. I know you loved that dog.

On Tuesday, she dug up all the flowers

and then took a dump in the kitchen.

I believe that was her note.

Joe, from the beautiful words you've written,

it's clear to me that Sasha wasn't just a great dog.

She was a great friend.

Sasha was loyal, she was compassionate,

and she loved to shake.

And now I'm going to ask you to bow your head for one minute of silence.

Sorry to hear about Sasha.

I know you were close to that bitch.

So what brings you to town? Did you hear about my finger?

Yeah. Very proud of the work you're doing here in Houston.

Then why don't you get me the hell out of here?

Jack, you've been deputy director of the Bureau for six years,

and I've been stuck here for five of those years.

Do you know what people would say

if I handed you the Gotti detail in New York?

They took my fucking index finger. They cut my fucking finger off.

And we appreciate that.

I'm your brother, Jack.

You tell 'em I can do this,

and I'm gonna nail these motherfuckers.

Take it easy. Listen, I am on your side.

I'm on your side. We all know you're gonna be a star, Joseph.

Jack, I'm never gonna be a star in Houston.

I know. That's why I'm sending you to Providence.

Providence?

There's mobsters in Rhode Island?

What are we doing in Rhode Island? We were better off in Houston.

That's Tommy Sanz in there, Gotti's cousin.

Second cousin.

He's still family.

Sal Rossi, Jr. Wasn't even Italian.

Hey, we nail this Tommy Sanz guy,

that could be our ticket to Philadelphia, New York,

maybe even Washington.

FBI agens believe John Gotti

planned Paul Castellano's murder outside Sparks Steak House

in December, 1985,

and prosecutors are expected to try to make another case against him.

With Gotti in prison...

So, Tommy, you get invited to John's party?

...for their own protection.

Investigators have been watching Gotti...

I really don't think.

John considers me part of the family anymore.

It's my face, Willie.

The guys back home can't stand to look at me.

I thought after the second surgery, things would change. Pfft.

Did you talk to that plastic surgeon?

He said he wanted to take skin from my ass cheeks

and put it on my face.

I beat that cocksucker with his own chair.

I need to do something big.

Or I'll never get back to New York.

There's another movie shooting in town. Horror movie.

One of the producers calls Wally over at the local.

Seems they need a favor from the teamsters.

I said big, Willie, big, like this TV.

That's 52 inches.

They need 10 trucks max, 25 drivers, no hassles.

Last time, our cut was three grand.

Fine. Tell Wally...

They're talking about a bribe.

They're taking a bribe from those movie people

that make a deal with the union.

So?

So the mob controls the union, the teamsters,

which means they control the trucks,

the trucks the movie people use.

What the hell are ya talking about?

I know how we're gonna get Tommy Sanz.

Agent Devine, it says here you wanna produce a movie?

No, sir. Actually, there really isn't going to be a movie.

I only want Tommy Sanz to think I'm producing a movie.

We really don't give a shit. Just tell us the play.

Trucks. This is how all movies are made, sir, with trucks.

We're gonna offer Tommy Sanz a bribe

to intercede with the teamsters on our behalf,

and once he accepts, we're gonna nail him for racketeering.

Well, there's an obvious risk here, Agent Devine.

What do you know about producing movies?

Ohh...

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're such a star.

I don't hear anything, honey.

It's not happening. They're not making any sound, honey. No.

I can't take it anymore, Steve.

I can't take it anymore, Steve. I can't take it anymore.

I'm gonna go kill... The headphones.

Hey, shut the fuck up! Do you understand me?!

Shut the fuck fucking up!

I'm gonna fucking come down there and fucking kill you.

Do you hear me, you motherfuckers?

I'm sick and tired of living like this my whole life!

Smells like shit! Yeah, I'm talking to you!

You piece of motherfucking shit!

We live in a kennel. We live in a kennel.

Yeah, but you know who boards their dogs down there?

Goldie Hawn, Ted Danson, Meryl Streep.

Connie Chung.

I've met agents down there, studio heads.

I'm gonna kill those dogs. I'm gonna fucking kill those dogs.

All right, if you wanna move, we'll move,

but then we're both gonna have to work full-time.

Could you just stop it?

I'm so sick of you and your threats.

How many years have I had to live with you and your threats?

Maybe I don't wanna be an actress anymore.

You're a great actress.

Oh, let's stop the bullshit, Steven.

I am not an actress. I play the piano at the mall.

It's not the mall.

It's Nordstrom's, where every casting agent shops.

I'm 34 years old.

How messed up am I that I have to stay here and live like this?

Make a great story, though, won't it,

when you're famous and you have to talk about your life?

"Valerie Weston goes from pound to gown

as she steps out of her limo at the Chinese theater."

I'm going to work.

I know you're nervous, Robert.

It's your first day, but you're gonna do great.

You'll be working as a floater in concessions.

You'll be in charge of napkins and butter.

A large is three squirts, a medium two squirts...

Thanks.

You're welcome. Next, please.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Mandy Patinkin? Mandy... Mandy Patinkin?

Mandy Patinkin. Mandy Patinkin.

Ma... Mandy Patinkin.

Stop it, Arnie.

No, you stop telling me how great I am

and you tell me where my fucking script is.

Y-Y-You do not wanna eat lunch off my ass.

You wanna eat lunch off my ass?

I thought you were kosher.

Arnie, I'll make you a deal...

you deliver that script,

and lunch is on me, you Lebanese piece of shit.

Love to Bernice and the baby. Roger!

Roger, can you get me my back brace and my banjo, please?

I'm a big fan of law enforcement.

I used to date the black guy on Hill Street Blues.

So you're going undercover as a Hollywood producer.

Yes.

Are you doing features or TV or MOWs, what?

Movies.

God, I love the movies.

After I was stabbed by my personal trainer in 1981,

I was terrified to leave my house.

And then, one day, I went to the movies!

Oh, God, and I never came home.

The movies saved my life.

I'm even back with that trainer now, which is really remarkable.

Roger! Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Roger!

Never hire a diabetic.

Huh. What exactly does a producer do?

Well, where's your script?

Script? I don't have a, uh...

You don't have a script?

No.

Roger! I'm sorry.

Camille, can you get fucking Roger!

You know what? I'm sorry. I've got a 3:30 and...

Well, can you help me find a script?

This is Hollywood.

Just go outside and ask anyone you see to give you a script...

a gardener, a cripple, a child molester.

They've all got 'em. You just gotta find one.

Roger? Do I need to give you your shot?

My deepest condolences, sir. Here's your ticket.

The script is called Arizona.

It's the true story of a young woman's

spiritual journey through the desert

as she battles cancer

and searches for the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.

I, uh, actually have a script with me.

If you had time, maybe after Shiva, you might wanna...

So tell me about your script.

OK. It's a romantic comedy. It's about this couple...

They find the guy, they find the head of the organization,

like, on a golf course. Right. Or a river.

It's the true story of a young woman's

spiritual journey through the desert as she battles cancer

while searching for the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.

I've already got a cancer movie.

What kind?

Brain.

Brain? Brain's been done to death.

This is breast.

I have Meg Tilly attached, and Meg Tilly likes brain.

The rest of the time, he's got no head.

He's got, like, seven hours to find a new head,

but he's fucked up because he has no head.

It's about fallen angels.

They're not evil, but they were supposed to watch over humanity

to protect us.

So that's basically it...

It's a road picture, it's a love story,

it's a tear-jerker.

OK, but here's the kicker...

It's an election day. Uh-huh.

And he can't vote because he's got no head.

Hey.

The Jacuzzi.

She threw herself into the Jacuzzi.

Val, put the dog down.

I was trying to nap before my audition,

and I know this is the dog that barked,

you little fuck!

Honey, you're gonna get this commercial, I know it. You love Raisin Bran.

I'm not going on the audition, Steven. I'm finished.

Put the Pomeranian down.

I know it's gonna keep on barking, I know it's gonna keep on barking.

No, it's not. It's not gonna keep on barking

because you're gonna give me the dog, and I'm gonna take it out of here right now.

It's OK. You can do it.

Wh-What are you, some kind of Good Samaritan?

No.

I'm a Hollywood producer.

Oh, sweetheart, it's OK. It's all right.

No, honey, it's gonna be OK.

Movies and TV or just movies or...

Aw, honey.

Um, I'm Steven... Schats.

Steven Sch... aw, honey, baby.

Who's Steven Schats?

Uh, he's done quite a bit of directing in the Los Angeles theater.

He won the Goldstein Award for Debbie Does Shabbat

at Temple Judaica.

Billy Crystal is a member of that congregation.

Is Billy Crystal going to be in the movie?

Uh, no. Because there is no movie.

Then why do you need a director?

I need a director in order to sell the movie to Tommy Sanz.

But you said there is no movie.

I'm not really making a movie, sir. I'm just producing one.

We, uh... really don't give a shit.

Just tell us the play.

The screenplay is entitled Arizona.

It's the inspiring true story

of a dying young woman as she travels through the desert

in search of herself and the Hopi Indian spirit caves.

What kind of movie is that?

It's a tear-jerker, sir. She... dies in the end.

From dehydration?

Don't come down here...

Lonnie.

Steven. What are you doing here?

Lonnie, get dressed. I have a meeting in one hour.

It's a lunch with a producer

who read my script over the weekend, and he liked it.

Of course he did. It's brilliant.

He asked me if I was bringing representation.

I didn't wanna look like a schmuck, so I told him I had an agent.

You want me to go with you?

Oh, you know I don't drive anymore.

You don't have to drive. I'll drive.

Just put on some clothes. Get dressed.

We've got a lunch. We've got... a lunch.

Hmm. Don't touch the mail if it comes. Ever. Don't.

Lonnie. Lonnie, just go get dressed. Go get dressed.

Relax, Steven, it's just a lunch. Where's the meeting?

Musso and Frank's.

You're in luck.

Heh-heh. I got a blowjob at Musso and Frank's.

No, no, no. You listen to me, you Lebanese piece of shit.

I'm the producer, I'm in charg, this is my picture, you got me?

Ha-ha, OK. My love to Bernice. I'm so sorry.

Uh, I'm sorry we're late, Mr. Diamond.

This is Lonnie Bosco of Bosco and Sugarman.

Pleasure.

Steven, let me just say that I read the screenplay for Arizona...

and I absolutely loved it.

My wife Sasha died recently,

so the story really hit close to home.

What kind of cancer did she have?

She drowned in a Jacuzzi.

The dentists from Boston that I represent,

they love the movie as well.

I know, the script needs a lot of work.

We're prepared to make a deal for you to direct the movie.

You wanna make a deal for me to... but I'm...

Now, we wanna move forward right away.

Do you think you could make the movie for, say, $1 million?

Steven wants final cut.

No, no, Lonnie, I don't need final cut.

Final cut. That's no problem. Casting approval?

Yes. He's the director.

He wants 10% of, uh...

first-dollar gross points.

Yes. OK, 10%.

You're saying yes?

You want me to direct Arizon?

You really... you want me to do that?

I'm not saying yes.

I'm saying hell, yes.

He's saying, "Yes, hell, yes,"

at Musso and Frank's.

There's only one question I have.

The cover of the screenplay sas it's written by Steven Schats

and Marshal Paris?

Yes. Marshal Paris, he's my brother.

Paris is his pen name.

We wrote the story about our sister.

She's the dead lady.

Well, before we make any deals,

I'm gonna wanna secure all the rights, get some signatures.

Oh, well, that's impossible. Marshal went home.

You'll just have to go home one more time, Steven.

No, no, no.

Home... to the Ponderosa.

The Ponderosa?

Ladies and gentlemen...

the Cartwrights.

Adam, Hoss, Little Joe,

and Ben Cartwright!

Run for cover, folks.

It seems the Snake-Eye Gang has robbed the bank.

It's over, Snake Eyes. Drop the gold.

We don't want no more killing here.

It's got nothing to do with your boys, Cartwright.

Let's just settle this, you and me.

The gift shop will be open till 7pm.

Bathrooms are out of order.

Marshal?

We're closing.

Where's Dad?

Ben Cartwright gets off at 2:30.

He's the star of the show. What are you doing here?

We did it, Marshal. We're making Arizona.

Charlotte's story will be told.

That's impossible.

I haven't shown anyone that script in two years.

Look at this. You see this?

It's a contract from a producer.

He wants you to sign a release.

It's not for sale.

We're gonna split $100,000.

This is real, Steven. This is my life.

I am a person with an identity now,

not some Hollywood flunky

spending his entire life waiting to have lunch.

I want you to sign this release.

I want you to understand what this means to me,

that I've spent my whole life waiting to yell "action" and "cut"

for the first time.

I used to believe you when you said we'd have matching black Corvettes,

that one day, we'd get to walk up the red carpet

and get interviewed by Mary Hart.

I really thought it was true.

It is true, all of it. It's just ten years late.

I'm sorry, Steven. I'll never sign.

And you can tell Hollywood she already had her chance.

I just need your signature right here next to Marshal's.

Why does Steven have to sign a release, Mr. Diamond?

It's standard.

I'm gonna sign a release, the dentists in Virginia will sign a release.

Look at this guy.

He really thinks he's making a movie.

We fucked up, Ray. There's a big plumbing outfit here in L.A.

Joe Diamond Plumbing.

Shit. We have to change his name.

I don't know what to say. Is this really happening?

This is it, Steven.

Thank you, Mr. Diamond.

Steven, you've got yourself a green light.

Ehh.

� Looks like he made it.

Looks like Steven's on the way

� To a better life

� Looks like he made it

� Steven Schats is on the way

� To a better life

� Looks like he made it .

Steven, come on up.

OK. OK, great. Well, I just wanna thank all of you for being here.

And I wanna tell you that all of you are going to be working on this movie.

And I wanna thank one man for that, I wanna...

The man who made this all possible...

the man who came into my life

and gave me the gift of a green light.

He made all my dreams come true as the producer of Arizona...

Mr. Joe Diamond!

� Come on, get happy.

Yeah, Joe Diamond.

A whole lot of talent is what he'll be bringin'

� To make you happy.

Thank you.

� He had a dream...

Steven, my name isn't Diamond. It's Wells.

Wells? I thought it was Diamond.

No. Joe Wells. That's my name.

But you said it was Diamond.

No, it's Wells. It's always been Wells.

It's a common mistake.

� ...happy

� He'll make you happy.

Look at them all.

I thought you might wanna be here when I picked one out.

How do you know which one to get?

And... action.

Action.

Action.

Cut it. That's lunch, people. Moving on.

Very quiet, please. Director on set.

Something wrong?

I know what the first shot is going to be.

A wide shot looking across the desert floor.

Nothing can be seen for miles.

Then we slowly push in.

An image appears...

in the distance, limping toward us.

Charlotte, an angel walking on water.

Only the water is burning sand,

and the angel is dying.

I've had that shot in my head for a long time.

Thank you, Joe.

Listen, Steven,

what do you think about doing the picture in New England?

I don't understand.

Do you think you could make it work in, let's say, Rhode Island?

The dentists and I have made a very sweet deal with the film commission there,

and they're gonna roll out the red carpet for us.

But the movie is called Arizona.

It's always taken place in Arizona.

There are scenes inside the Grand Canyon.

Well, but the guts of the story wouldn't have to change.

What about the Hopi Indians?

Yeah, but do you realize how many Indians

wound up settling in Rhode Island?

Take it from me, I've been to both places,

and the similarities would astound you.

Do that again.

We're calling this operation "Dramex."

At this time, I would like to introduce Fanny Nash,

the producer of the hit comedy No Means No

to discuss proper Hollywood protocol.

I am over 35 years old.

I am physically unable to bear children,

and I pay alimony to my ex-husband,

who is a faggot,

yet I am willing to bet

that all of you would fuck me over that desk right now

if you knew you'd be having lunch with Harrison Ford

as soon as you blew your wad.

If you wanna carry yourself lie you're in the movie business,

you need to act like the big dog, Clifford,

and remember that everyone in the entire world

is desperate to play with your big red balls.

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone

I love you all. I'll see you on the set.

...all obstacles in my way...

It may have taken ten years,

but Papillion has jumped from the cliff,

and he's swimming to the shore!

� ...sun-shiny day.

Break a leg, Steven.

It's gonna a bright, bright, sun-shiny day .

We're expecting a smooth flight into Rhode Island,

so please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

So how old was she?

Who?

Your wife when she died.

If you don't wanna talk about it, I understand.

Sasha was my age.

Was she in the business?

Now, why would I marry a whore?

A whore?

No, no, the business. The movie business.

Oh, right, the movie business.

Yes, she was, yes.

What did Sasha do?

Hair. She did hair.

Hair. Hair. That's great.

So you met on the set?

Yes, on the set.

What movie?

Um...

Jaws.

Jaws? Your wife did the hair on Jaws?

That's one of my favorite movies.

Mine, too.

Did it bother her that Quint always wore a hat?

Well, they had some words, yeah.

That is so ironic.

She worked on Jaws, and then she drowns in a Jacuzzi.

I never really thought of it that way before.

Rest of your family... are they in the movie business?

Well, I have one brother. He's a doctor, a surgeon.

He was the smart one. Top of his class.

I was never much of a student.

In the sixth grade, I was struck by lightning.

Lightning?

I was standing in the playground

with a metal lunchbox.

Suddenly, I saw this light,

the brightest light you can imagine.

The next thing I knew, I was...

I was inside of the light, and...

I was part of the light.

Fuck.

Feel the top of my head. Go ahead.

You feel that?

Yeah.

You know what that is?

That's one in a million.

Steven, this is Troy Haines

from the Rhode Island film commission.

Hey, welcome to Providence, Mr. Schats,

the Arizona of the east.

And this is the Woonasquatucket River,

which used to be known as the Moshassuck Dam before the floods of '64

and was seen over the credits

of the situation comedy Doctor, Doctor.

Joe, I have to be honest.

This doesn't resemble the Colorado River at all.

Look at all that cement.

There's way too many cars.

That's a snack bar? Tony Roma's?

What if we were to shoot the skinny-dipping scene at night?

I don't know how Rick would see Charlotte's birthmark.

What about the ducks?

Don't worry about the fucking ducks. I'll take care of them.

This is the second-largest landfill in New England,

shot by director Miles O'Keefe

in the climatic scene of his film.

Nora Declares War.

Back then, it was a park,

now it's the Grand Canyon.

Just picture some burros,

some tourists in some loud t-shirts.

The trucks are a sound problem.

I think there's too many seagulls.

Well, they mainly feed in the mornings.

No different than the buzzards of Sedona.

Garage 16, the Hopi Indian spirit cave.

How am I supposed to get 30 Indians in there

dancing around a fire?

Well, we're gonna have to, you know, force 'em in.

Steven...

Steven...

Joe, what are we gonna do? Most of the locations are shit.

No cactus, there's no desert.

You have to call the dentists.

Maybe you could change the script just a little.

Change the script? Change... Joe, Joe, this script is...

You can't just change the... a cactus is a cactus.

I have an obligation to Charlotte.

I don't have a cactus, I don't have any thorns.

I don't have any thorns, no torn dress.

No torn dress, no birthmark on the ass.

No birthmark, no skinny dipping with Rick and Charlotte

on the mighty Colorado River!

No skinny dipping, no water snake.

No water snake, no Chlamydia scare.

No Chlamydia scare, no doctor...

Well, let me take care of all that.

I'm the producer, OK?

I don't think I can make this work here.

Hey, do me a favor.

Come with me. I wanna show you something.

Come on.

� Hey, everybody

� Let's have some fun

� You only live but once.

And when you're dead, you're done

� So let the good times roll..

Mr. Schats, welcome to the Providence Biltmore.

This is your key to the Eisenhower Suite.

I don't care if you're young or old.

You oughta get together and let the good times roll

� Don't sit there mumbling...

This is your suite.

� If you wanna have a ball...

Welcome, sir.

And let the good times roll now.

I'm talkin' 'bout the good times.

Maybe it doesn't have to be cactus.

Well, it makes no differene whether you're young or old

� All you got to do is get together and let the good times roll .

Tommy, where you goin'?

Wally's havin' a meetin'.

With who?

Hollywood.

Uh, Mr. Kamin, Steven here

is one of the most sought-after commercial directors in Hollywood.

Last year, he was nominated for a Cleo Award over in East Germany.

The commercial was for

a new work boot called the Verspatten.

I can assure you, the teamsters will support your project 100%.

See, Mr. Kamin, that's the thing.

We were hoping to do this picture non-union.

You know, no teamsters, no minimums.

That gonna be a problem?

Let me make this as clear as I possibly can.

There is no way you are going to produce a film in my town

without a full load of union trucks

and union drivers surrounding your set.

You try and make a movie here without our trucks,

and I'll shut you motherfuckers down before lunch.

Excuse me, can I help you with something?

I hear you're having trouble with the teamsters.

I know somebody that can help.

Look at this.

They say American football don't compare to rugby.

Last night, a player was kicked out

for shoving his index finger up another guy's ass

at the bottom of the pile.

Tommy, this is Joe Wells, movie producer.

It's a pleasure, Mister...

You know what I hate, Mr. Wells?

Poor sportsmanship.

I see you're lookin' at my face.

My wife set me on fire while I was sleepin'.

She doused me with lighter fluid, lit a match.

Six months later, our marriage fell apart.

She's very beautiful.

Thank you.

I promised her Manhattan, Las Vegas, Chicago.

But it wasn't happening for me.

Thanks to her, company sends me to Providence.

Tommy, he brought the money.

All of it?

8,000.

We'd like you to take care of this thing, Mr. Sanz.

We don't want any trouble with the union. It's done.

Congratulations.

You just made a deal with the teamsters.

That's it. Sanz took the bribe.

Let's move.

Wait, wait. Devine hasn't given a signal.

Let me ask you something, Mr. Wells.

How hard is it to get into the movie business?

Hi, Steven. Haah!

Val... what are you doing here?

Why are you limping?

Charlotte was bitten by a water snake.

I jammed a fork into my thigh to create a sense memory.

Oh...

Oh.

Oh, Steven, Steven...

tell me I'm gonna play Charlotte.

Tell me I have the part.

Tell me it was all worth it.

Well, it's, uh...

That's complicated.

I do have casting approval, though.

We heard the tape. He took the bribe.

That's racketeering, conspiracy to manipulate the union.

Abe, you saw how easy this one was.

We can go after bigger fish now.

Joe, it took three dogs to find your finger in Houston.

You know what you're gonna lose,

you start messing with the bigger fish in Rhode Island?

It's over.

Abe, just give me one more week here in Providence.

No.

Let me just cast the movie, that's all I'm asking.

Yeah, cast the movie.

You said there was no movie.

Tommy Sanz is already on the line. We can always reel him in.

Let's see who else we can hook.

Cast the movie.

You mean really cast it or pretend to cast it?

Steven, this is Monica Montebello.

She'll be reading the role of Charlotte's oncologist, Dr. Gail Reeves.

Hi. How are you?

Thank you.

I need a moment, please.

Should I get the stethoscope?

You think she should audition with the stethoscope?

Oh, look at the shot I'm getting.

What are you doing? You're shooting her tits.

What choice do I have?

You think it would be OK if I ask Joe if I could shoot the movie?

What are you talking about?

I wanna be the cinematographer.

Steven. Steven.

Emily French is here.

She just drove up in a limo.

She wants to read for Charlotte.

Emily French?

She's been nominated.

She must think this is a big movie.

Maybe it is a big movie.

Emily French.

Oh, she's fantastic. She was nominated.

Oh, what's the name of that movie she was in?

Um, she's a blackjack dealer.

I don't think I saw it.

I didn't see it, either.

No, you saw it. Um... Eric Roberts does her on the pool table.

She's got silver-dollar nipples.

Oh, yeah. I saw that on Cinemax. Oh, man, she's good.

I remember that one.

Yeah. What was the name of that thing?

Emily. Emily French.

Hi, I'm... Hi. How are you...

Don't look at me.

I just had a facial, and my skin looks disgusting.

No, it looks great.

Really great. Really great.

I'm sorry I just turned up like this,

but I got ahold of the script

and decided to fight the good fight for this one.

Do you mind if I do the suicide scene?

Um...

I might use this chair

as my spirit cave.

Hmm. It's really good, actually.

Could you get me a water?

Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

And would you mind getting the lights?

Yes, ma'am.

Women in Hollywood... they are beautiful.

You should see the women in the navy.

The navy?

They are nice.

Would you switch, actually?

Yeah.

I can't even write my own name.

I guess this means it's almost over.

I can't keep my hand on the page.

Where were you when I needed you?!

� Do you know

� Where you're going to?

� Do you like the things.

Life is show... ing you?

In a moment, I'm gonna die.

I wish I could live to see that.

She's a very good actress.

After my nomination, I just... freaked out,

turned everything down that they sent.

Then I had a late-term abortion,

went into deep depression, got really into coke,

moved to Florida for a year

and made a bunch of B-movies for my Eurotrash boyfriend, who wrote and directed

and made sure I got my tits out in every other scene.

The truth is, I was blackballed in Hollywood

because the great Jed Walker claimed that the baby was his,

that I had murdered his baby in the fifth month,

which, if you had seen it, it clearly was not.

But Hollywood wasn't calling,

so my assistant and I checked ourselves into rehab

in New Mexico

and started working with clay,

building miniature adobe structures.

Yeah, I've still got a condo there,

but I've decided to start acting again,

and that's why I was in New York,

doing that horrible little play in the buff.

Steven, when my African-American agent

sent me a copy of Arizona...

...I cried all night...

...because I was born to play Charlotte.

I tried to kill myself...

twice,

once in the bathtub and...

once in Switzerland.

Miss French,

we're prepared to offer you the role of Charlotte right here and now.

Wait a minute. Valerie... Could I have your autograph?

Joe, I have casting approval. It's in my contract.

What the fuck is your name?

We have a chance to do something right now that could change our lives.

For the first time, I've seen the movie in my mind,

I feel it in my gut.

As your producer, I'm asking you not to mess this up.

There you go. Why don't you go and ruin somebody else's dinner?

We have a limited budget.

Are you kidding?

I don't need the money.

I'll be your slave.

I'll wash your shorts.

I'll clip your toenails. Give me that glass.

I have not failed a drug test in six months.

Thank you.

Ahem. Miss French, what are you doing?

Peeing in a cup.

There you go.

I'll pee in a cup every day. Twice a day.

The fucking insurance people

can have all the hot, steaming piss they want.

So, tell me about yourselves.

I want to go into business with you, Joe,

start producing movies all over the country.

I got contacts... Philadelphia, Jersey, Chicago, New York.

I middle the deals with the teamsters, you produce the movies.

I'm talking about a 50/50 partnership.

These are movies we're talking about here.

There is risk. You can't put guns to people's heads

and make 'em go to the movies. If you say so.

Anyway, that's why it's your jb to make good movies.

Do you think you could do that? Yeah, I'm a producer.

That's what I do. Good, 'cause this is what I will do.

Are you insane?!

It's in Variety, Joe. There's an article in Variety.

That was planted by Emily French's publicist,

and it's exactly what we needed.

We can't have articles about famous actresses

starring in our undercover operation.

We're not even supposed to tell our wives about these things.

Sanz is a partner, which means they're all partners.

I'm telling you, we've gotta make this movie now.

I can produce Arizona for $1 million,

sell off the foreign and video rights

for twice that much,

presell network and cable because of Emily French.

And if this movie turns out the way that I know it will,

I believe we can get an American distribution deal,

which could mean millions more.

You guys have got to trust me.

Two years from now, the heads of the Rhode Island family

will be in federal prison

watching the movie that put them away on HBO.

Abe, we'd better read the script.

Don't hurt him! He's my baby!

Val, put the dog down.

What do you think, Steven? You can just send me away?

You can just send me back to the Valley? No, Charlotte was mine.

Val, it's Emily French.

I was supposed to be Charlotte.

She's had breast-reduction surgery.

She understands the mindset of mastectomy.

I'm going home, Steven, to do porno.

I'm going home to the Valley.

Please...

I'm gonna go home, Steven. That's right. I'm serious.

Because of you, I'm gonna get gang-banged, Steven,

gang-banged in Woodland Hills.

A lot of great actresses started out in porn.

I'm gonna break this dog's neck.

Don't. Listen.

Listen, what if you played Dr. Gail Reeves?

Hmm.

The oncologist?

I can't believe it. Yeah, I'm the richest man in town.

You know why? Because I have friends. Yeah.

Let's make a movie. Let's do it.

Yeah!

"The following screenplay

"is the property of the United States Governmen.

"Fade in - Arizona - Day.

"A wide shot across the desert floor.

Charlotte is an angel walking across the water."

I'm leaning toward this one with the white nose.

Looks like he might be named Thunder. His name's Frosty.

What if we called him Thunder? That's his name in the script.

Would he still trot for us?

He's a donkey. He trots when you hit him with a stick.

Jesus!

Look at the cock on this one, Steven.

I want riding lessons immediately.

We're in The Hollywood Reporte.

Look at this. Both our names are mentioned.

Steven, you just got a telegram from Pat Morita.

He's read half the script,

and he thinks he wants to play the part of Rick.

I'm calling his agents.

This is perfect.

I've always pictured Rick as a middle-aged Asian.

If we get Morita, we can have anybody we want

for old man Laramie and Chief Black Bear.

Joe, I want soaring music over the reptile house montage.

I think we should go after Randy Newman to do the score.

Who's Randy Newman?

He wrote the score to The Natural.

Randy Newman. "I Love L.A.," "Short People"?

� Short people got

� No reason

� Short people got

� No reason.

Short people got � No reason to live.

They got little hands � ...hands

� Little feet.

They drive little cars

� That go beep-beep-beep.

Well, I don't want no short people.

Don't want no short people round here...

What the fuck's wrong with Joe?

Abe, why don't we start with our general comments?

"While we love the emotional journey

"that Charlotte takes in this script,

"we feel there are things that could make this story

"more accessible to a general audience.

Number one... a high-speed motorcycle chase."

Um, I really think we need to discuss the burro first.

Right.

The burro is a big problem in Washington.

I've already booked the burro.

As we read it, Charlotte frees the old burro

at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

Yeah, she knows she's dying, so she frees the burro.

If she liberates the burro back into the wild, he's gonna die.

Guys, Steven loves the burro.

Joe, we suggest she free some other type of animal, maybe a large bird.

She could come across an injured bird

on the side of the road, maybe an eagle.

She could mend its wing and then set it free.

American bald eagle's an emotional symbol in this country,

and they're endangered.

She's on foot,

so why is she walking around carrying a large eagle?

If she had a motorcycle, she wouldn't be on foot.

I heard you're cutting the burro scene.

Why wasn't I called? We didn't think it would matter to you.

You didn't think it would matter to me.

They didn't think it would matter to me.

You didn't think it would matter to me.

I'm the executive producer of this film.

I have business cards printed. It fuckin' matters!

Tommy, the dentists in Boston

believe that the old burro would die in the wild.

That old burro's gonna die, anyway.

It's tired and sickly.

You tell the dentists

that Charlotte is giving it some fuckin' dignity.

We're leaning toward another animal now.

Like a horse?

Eagle.

Yeah, that'll work.

She's gonna ride an eagle

down to the floor of the Grand Canyon.

Is this a fuckin' Disney movie?

No, no, no. She's gonna find it by the side of the road.

It's gonna have a broken wing.

Who the fuck broke it?

Production. Can you hold, please?

Production. No, Mr. Schats is in a meeting.

Yeah, I'll transfer you.

Production. No, Mr. Schats is in wardrobe.

He can't come to the phone...

Ta-da! Look at this.

That's it, Emily. That's the suicide dress.

This will be the last image of Charlotte

as she jumps from the mouth of the cave.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that.

About what?

The end of the picture, the dreaded third act.

I know what you're gonna say.

We don't need the cremation montage. It's redundant.

Oh, no, no, I'm talking about Charlotte's death.

It seems so bloody pointless to just kill her off like that.

What if she lived?

Lived?

Lived? Oh, no, that's impossible.

This movie is a runaway train

heading towards Charlotte's death.

I've always felt that dying inspired her to live,

which is why she tries sushi for the first time

in Flagstaff.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK.

OK, yeah, I get it.

Yeah, it was just a thought.

I won't bring it up again.

I am so starving.

Anybody want to get a pizza?

Hey, you coming downstairs? Emily's waiting at the bar.

I stole all the little shampoos.

Little conditioner, little soaps.

Even the shower cap.

I stole them from the hotel, put them inside my suitcase.

What are you talking about?

Two years ago, I rented a chicken suit.

I stood outside the William Morris agency

and tried to hand out copies of my script.

They sent two boys from the mailroom to beat me up.

Well, hey, all that's behind you now.

What if you're wrong?

What if I've waited all this time,

and I can't do it?

Have you ever seen a man die?

I'm not sure I understand the question.

No, have you actually seen a person die,

watched them bleed to death,

seen them take their last breath?

I've seen that, many times.

Why have you seen that?

I used to produce music videos,

and when people look close to death,

when they're lying on the floor staring up at those lights,

they all have the same expressions on their faces.

No matter who they are,

people are basically afraid of the unknown...

but you don't have to be afrai.

You can put the shampoo bottles and the soaps

back in the bathroom,

because you're gonna make a great movie.

We're gonna make a great movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Joe?

I put a little start-up gift in your room,

just something to say thank you.

I didn't get you anything.

Didn't get me anything?

You got me to Providence.

Get some rest.

Joe, the Federal Bureau of Investigation

is prepared to offer you a three-picture deal.

You are kidding me.

We'd like to start production on movies in Philadelphia, New Jersey and New York City.

Any questions?

I want merchandising.

What's merchandising?

Toys.

Go fuck yourself.

Here is the key to the city of Providence,

Arizona of the east.

The good people of Providence have one thing to say.

Break a leg.

Hello, everybody, I'm Steven Schats, director.

This is Joe Wells, our producer.

I'd like to just welcome everybody

to the cast and crew read-through,

the first one of Arizona.

We start shooting in three day, and before we begin,

I'd like to go around the table

and have everyone introduce yourself.

Oh, uh, Pat Morita, playing Rick.

Hey, what about this?

Do we want to see the cancer leave her body?

That could work.

That could work.

That could work.

How would we do that?

Emily French, Charlotte.

Clarence Smith, cinematographer.

What if he said, "Put you in remission"?

I like it.

Russell Means, Chief Black Bear.

Uh, it's actually not Chief Black Bear anymore. That didn't clear.

You're gonna have to be called Chief Black Hawk.

Oh, shit. Hope I can handle that.

Valerie Weston,

Dr. Gail Reeves, oncologist.

Lonnie?

This is my agent Lonnie.

I guess the trip must have tired him out.

Lonnie.

Lonnie!

I'll be dedicating this film

to my late agent and dear friend Lonnie Bosco.

I wrote a short poem for Lonnie

entitled "Your Arm's Too Short To Box With Moses."

Mr. Wells.

I've got some good news.

There's someone flying in from New York tomorrow

for the first day of shooting,

someone very important to me.

This person is head of my family, Joe,

and he wants to get into the business.

He's talking about John Gotti.

I want everyone to stay on their toes...

Gotti's coming to Providence. ...make a good impression.

OK, Joe?

So don't fuck it up.

� No, you got to.

Pick 'em up just to say hello

� Well, I.

Don't want no short people now.

Whoa. Ahh.

Remission? You put her in remission?

Marshal.

You thought you could just take it, didn't you? You thought I'd never find out.

Is that your gun from the show?

Even prop guns fired at close range can damage an eardrum.

You wanna be deaf?

What do you want, Marshal?

I want what you promised me.

I want to walk up the red carpet.

I want my name on a poster.

I wanna be invited back to my high school to speak at Career Day.

You want a drink?

Come on, Marshal.

Why did Dad have to look like Lorne Greene?

Why did he have to be the star?

Take it easy, Marshal.

He means well.

He shoots me three times a day

in the center of town.

My own father guns me down like an animal.

Then walk away.

Marshal, you're a great writer.

Bullshit. I'm a fake.

And so are you,

and I'm not gonna let you get away with it.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Charlotte.

Marshal, I'm warning you.

I'm warning you. We have a sister named Charlotte.

We have a sister. Say it.

We have a sister named Charlotte. No.

Say it. We made it all up.

We never had a sister, Steven.

There is no Charlotte.

We took the name from Charlotte's Web,

Mom's favorite book.

We had a sister. We had a sister, you son...

We did not have a fucking...

...bitch... Sister.

Yes, we did.

We didn't have a fucking sister.

...ate peyote with the Hopi Indians.

My entire crew is planning on wearing black armbands in memory of her.

Why couldn't you just throw the script away like everyone else?

This is my big chance, Marshal.

If Wells finds out about... If the dentists find out the truth...

If you ruin this for me, I swear to God...

You can't win, Steven.

They will crucify you.

The Providence Cancer Society had a dinner honoring me tonight.

They flew in Fred Willard to M.

They had a scholarship named after her for summer cam.

Don't you get it? They love Charlotte.

They need her. The fact that we made it up...

it means nothing.

You'll never get away with it, Steven.

You can't fool Hollywood.

They can smell a fake a mile away.

I'm not a fake.

I'm a director.

One in a million, huh?

One in a million.

The director is on set. Repeat, the director is on set.

Half-hour, Miss French.

Anyone bring film?

Very quiet, please.

Director on set.

They grab old Dottie, then she walks in.

Well, the way it goes. One in, one out.

I'm gonna ask Joe to work on his next movie.

Props.

I'm not carrying anybody's chairs.

Who cares what we do

as long as we get the fuck out of this van?

The lion has landed. The circus has come to town.

He passed checkpoint Bravo.

All right, ten minutes to showtime.

Ten-minute warning, people! We've got ten minutes!

The tarantula should break for lunch.

Hello, Joe.

Jack. We need to talk.

We should not be doing thi, Mrs. Traviano.

Tommy, we're late.

I just wanna see this part.

As your lawyer, I want to advise you...

You're not my lawye, Mr. Ron.

You're a paralegal.

This Emily French...

she's a revelation.

FBI!

Stop right there. Stop right there.

Get down on your knees. Get down. Get down.

To the ground! To the ground right now!

Hands behind your back.

So what are you doing here? Gotti's gonna be here any minute.

I have some very good news for you.

We arrested Gotti this morning

at the Raven Nightclub in New Jersey.

I don't understand.

We had a bug up his ass.

Got him on tape talking about the Castellano hit.

He's goin' away for a very long time.

No, no, no, no, no. You're wrong.

Gotti's in Providence. He's coming here.

The man who is coming here today is Victor Sanz.

He's Tommy Sanz's 87-year-old father.

We arrested Sanz a few minutes ago at his house.

If the play is in New Jersey,

then why are there five cover teams here in Providence?

Because I've been using Operation Dramex as a decoy.

Decoy?

Nobody knew, Joseph,

not even the other agents.

Joseph.

Joseph, don't be mad about this.

I was trying to nail John Gotti.

You helped me do that.

What about the movie?

We're the FBI. We don't make movies.

I want you to go down there, and I want you to shut it down.

We're about to shoot. We're gonna get the very first shot.

Right now. Shut it down

and get these freaks on the next plane back to L.A.

We can make movies all over the country

and nail the rest of these bosses.

Shut it down right now. I can't do that.

I'm tellin' you, shut it down, or I'll do it myself.

You're fuckin' yourself.

This is Jack Devine. We're not gonna pull the plug just yet.

Just listen to me. What are you doing?

We're gonna get the first shot,

and it's gonna be a beautiful shot... Put that gun away!

Put that gun down!

Wide angle across the desert floor.

Nothing can be seen for miles. We pan left.

Suddenly an image appears, a mirage limping toward us in the distance.

Charlotte is an angel walking across the water,

except the water is sand, and the angel is dying.

She's dying? Yes.

She's limping across. It's Charlotte!

Uh... she's walk... angel's dying.

Oh, Joseph, you've always wanted this so bad, haven't you?

You want it so bad, and now you just fucked it all up.

Stop it. Put the gun down.

Put it down.

Steven is gonna make a beautiful film.

We can do this... I don't give a fuck about Steven and his movie.

I'm shutting this down.

Miss French is coming out makeup right now.

Om a hum vata guru padme siri hum.

Om a hum vata guru padme siri hum.

Roll it.

Quiet, people. We're rolling.

Arizona, scene one, take one.

Arizona, scene one, take one.

And... action.

It's over, Snake Eyes.

Drop the gold.

We don't need no more killin' here.

This got nothin' to do with your boys, Cartwright.

Let's just finish this, you and me.

What are you doing?

Marshal.

You're dead.

Marshal.

Marshal.

Mar...

This is Director Devine.

This is Director Devine.

Shut it down. Shut it down.

Cut!

Cut. That was great, Emily.

We'll go again. Great.

Great job.

That's great.

Going again.

Whoa! Hey!

Oh, my God! Steven, what the fuck?

Joe.

Oh, my God!

It's the fucking paparazzi.

You people are gonna learn to leave me alone.

I'm just a normal person.

Joe, what's happening? Who are they?

Dentists.

What?

Joe!

Joe, don't leave.

Tell them it's OK.

Tell them. You're a producer.

The star, producer and director of Leav ing Aria

has just pulled to the front of the theater.

It's an amazing directorial debut from a tremendous talent

who was the toast of Sundance this year.

Emily!

Here she is. Emily French.

Leaving Arizona is the story

of the making of another movie... Arizona,

which was, in fact, an elaborate FBI sting operation.

So, Emily, how does it feel?

Oh, well, you know, this film was such a labor of love for me,

and it was a very difficult journey that I took,

a journey that almost got me killed

by FBI agents and gangsters,

but I knew as soon as I read this script

it would make a fantastic film.

Bye-bye!

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Good night, Mr. Schats. Good night, Heston. Take care.

Goodbye.

Hello, Steven.

My wife didn't drown in a Jacuzzi,

Sasha was my dog's name,

and she killed herself because I was never home.

My real name is Joe Devine.

Yeah, I know who you are. I saw the movie.

And by the way, I thought Tom Berenger captured you beautifully.

They made my character afraid of heights.

I could never quite understand that.

Yeah, well, here's something I don't understand, Agent Devine.

Why me? Why'd it have to be me?

I'm sorry. Millions of people,

and the United States governmet takes down Steven Schats.

Well, why? I'd like to know why.

Because you had no choice but to believe me.

Go to hell, Joe.

I'd like to try to pay you back some of that money.

Please, stop lying to me.

Well, hey, wait a minute.

What about your lies? What about Charlotte?

Yeah, that's right, Charlotte was a lie,

and I'm no director, and you're not a producer.

But we almost pulled it off, didn't we?

We almost made it happen. We almost had it all.

That stuff only happens in the movies.

Yeah, I know that.

Do you mind? I'm trying to close up.

I got something for you.

I spent my last day as an FBI agent

stealing this from the evidence room in Washington.

It's yours.

I'll see you around, Steven.

You're not gonna believe this,

but I'm working on a script.

What's the script about?

About two FBI agents, one good, one bad,

chasing down a million dollars' worth of lost drug money

in Los Angeles during the 1984 Olympics,

and here's the catch...

they're both Mormon.

Well, that's not such a bad idea.

Well, it needs work.

Having some trouble with the second act.

Yeah.

Second acts are tough.

I could use a director.

Hey, Joe...

wanna watch this together?

OK, Sam, roll it, please.

Arizona, scene one, take on.

And... action.

Live!

I want to live!

Oh, my God.

An American eagle?

That looked pretty good.

Yeah.

I liked the pan.

It seemed to work.

Wanna watch it again?

Would you play it again, Sam?

So, what's your movie called?

I don't have a title.

It's set in L.A.,

so I thought it should be Hollywood something.

Hollywood Heat?

Hollywood Cash?

Hollywood Gold. Hollywood Chas.

Hollywood and Vine.

Hey, that's pretty good.

What time is your audition?

1:30.

Oh, good luck.

I know you're gonna get it.

You love Oreos.

I... I love you so much.

You got to accent... uate the positive.

And elim... inate the negative

� And latch on

� To the affirmative.

But don't mess with Mr. In-Between

� Ah, you got to spread joy.

Up to the maximum and bring gloom.

Down to the minimum and have faith.

Or pandemonium liable to walk upon the scee

� To illustrate

� My last remark.

Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark

� What did they do.

Just when everything looked so dark?

� Man, they said.

We've got to accent... uate the positive.

And elim... inate the negative

� And hang on

� To that affirmative.

But don't mess with Mr. In-Between

� To illustrate

� My last remark.

Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark

� Tell me, what did they do.

Just when everything, everything looked so dark?

� Man, they said

� We've got to accent...

� Oh! ...Uate the positive.

And elim... inate the negative.

And hang on to that affirmative.

But don't mess, don't mess with Mr. In-Between

� No, no, no, don't mess.

Oh, baby, I said don't mess

� You better not.

Don't mess with Mr. In-Between, yeah