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Being a Freshman at st. Roman's meant coming
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to school everyday knowing
you'd be forced to defend
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yourself against the wrath of upper classmen.
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It was kind of like stepping into a boxing ring
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You know, if professional heavyweights
went toe-to-toe with underdeveloped children.
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For a more in-depth look at these two teenagers
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with almost comically disproportionate
athletic skills
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let's go to the tale of the tape.
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As you can see, Vegas odds never favored
the St. Roman freshman.
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Especially in gym class
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Where Carfora's lackadaisical
approach to teaching meant
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the seniors could practically
get away with murder.
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- Oh, I am gonna murder you kid
- Yeah
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You could say that in school back then.
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Indoor-voice Nelson
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- Rocco and I managed to
avoid these daily beatings
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because we were the only two freshmen
the seniors actually respected.
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Just kidding
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We hid under the bleachers
like a couple of pussies.
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I wonder how bad the titty-twisters are today?
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10:26
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Like clockwork
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It's like they get paraded by every day
just to watch us suffer
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Oh, God that's Alex. Hide me, hide me, hide me.
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Oh my God!
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What are you guys doing?
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Just doing some double-person
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push-ups, you know what I'm saying.
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One-thousand-one
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One-thousand-two
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Wow, Pete you're like the strongest guy I know
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Okay, Get off me
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Oh my God.
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This is ridiculous dude
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I play football
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I'm supposed to be cool
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Look.
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All we have to do
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is muscle through a few more years
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of living under the bleachers
until we're upperclassmen.
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then
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we'll run the school.
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We'll have our one shining moment.
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Yeah I guess.
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By the way
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what kind of soap do you use?
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You smell awesome!
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Maybe Rocco was right
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and I just had to bide my time
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until I grew to be just as big as the seniors.
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I'm afraid you're not going to grow anymore.
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What!?!
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Oh, should we also do a hearing test?
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Kidding... doctor joke
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but seriously, no, you're not going to grow anymore.
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You mean like...ever?
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Well, I typically tell my patients 'Never Say Never'
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but in your case...you're certain, so yeah.
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- Never ever.
- Oh my God, you're serious.
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So, I can never remember
are you a lollipop guy or a sticker guy?
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Well on the bright side, think of all
of the fun jobs you can get some day.
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Like a horse jockey
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or a gymnast
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Or, oh, what about the guy
who rescued the baby
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from that well.
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I'm willing to bet he was a small fella.
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Right
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- Gosh, what was that baby's name?
- I just, don't really want to talk about it.
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Mom
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Sure
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You know your uncle Hilard's only 5 foot 2
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and he's had a pretty great life.
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I mean his tiling company
just declared bankruptcy and
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Barbara's filing for divorce.
I should have them for dinner.
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- You know why don't we call and...
- Mom, mom, mom
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Can you please just not talk.
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Yeah
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Baby Jessica! That was her name!
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Thank you
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Gosh, that was driving me crazy.
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How did she fall in the well?
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so, you are going to drop your shorts
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turn your head
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cough and the doc here is
going to inspect your...testicular areas
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At least we don't have to hide
under the bleachers today.
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You think that's worse than some stranger
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putting his hands on your junk?
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Oh, he's not a stranger
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His name's Nate,
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I talked to him in the pisser.
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- That's weird isn't it
- Yeah, yeah, that is...
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Okay listen up
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I'll be in my snack office.
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You guys have any questions at all
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don't bug me.
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Alright
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Eric Nelson
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Oh, could you run and ask one of the
lunch-ladies for a latex glove?
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No.
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Suit yourself
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Chin up dude
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my grandpa Hector's 5 foot 3 and he's a badass
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he's famous back in San Juan
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for being the first guy
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to sell piano wire as a weapon.
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Are you not, like, worried at all
that you might be done growing?
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No, my doctor said I'm going to be 6 feet easy.
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- but until then we just hire...
- there is no until then for me, Rocco.
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This is it.
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Who gave you permission to be alive bud?
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This is ridiculous
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I've got to do something.
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My cousin Dave knows a guy
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if you need some muscle
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and he'll do it for free
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if you let him use your driveway
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to sell copper piping out of the back of his van.
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Does anyone in your family have a normal job?
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My cousin, Dump-truck, teaches kindergarten.
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Look, I'm just going to talk to Carfora
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Alright, there's got to be something he can do.
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Peter Hickey
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I don't think that dude's a doctor.
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Yeah
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Um
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Coach, can I...
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ask you something?
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Yes, Hickey, he's a real doctor.
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Or a freelance, BMT, or...
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something like that.
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Actually I wanted to talk to you about gym class.
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Look everyday the seniors basically
just beat on the freshman.
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OK
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And I, I think that's because
we need more structure and
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supervision in class.
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Look, I'm not trying to tell you
how to do your job
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I'm just...
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you know what?
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Say no more Hickey. I hear you loud and clear.
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I wanna thank you,
for bringing it to my attention.
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I will take care of it.
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Okay, cool
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Thanks, Coach.
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see you tomorrow.
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- Hey
- Hey
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So I rented this movie last night
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about a kid who becomes a pitcher for the Cubs.
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Yeah
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Bottom line -
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I think we should break your arm later.
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What?
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Hey
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you better hurry up and change.
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We got to hide under the bleachers.
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Don't worry man, I talked to Carfora
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he's actually going to teach class today.
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Wow, really?
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- Great work, man
- Yeah
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Carfora's actually pretty reasonable.
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Alright, listen up!
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So yesterday
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one of you came to me and said
that I don't know how to do my job.
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Oh Jesus
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He also said
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that the seniors were beating on the freshman
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and therefore we could use a little more
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structuralization
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in class.
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Now you're probably thinking
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who beefed, Coach?
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- Maybe he won't say it was you.
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It was Hickey
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Hickey beefed
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beefed like brisket.
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Squealed -
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like a rat.
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So,
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for the next two weeks
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we're playing Roman Ball.
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Oh, yeah!
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Wait, what's Roman Ball?
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Alright
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Seniors versus freshman
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Any questions?
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What are the rules?
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No? OK... Great
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Turns out Roman Ball
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was like a sadistic cross
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between basketball, dodgeball,
and Street Fighter 2
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- Enjoying yourself?
- No
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I later learned that the game
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was invented by a former
Saint Roman's faculty member
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who went on to murder his entire family.
194
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- Oh G... No, no, no, no
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Cortez - double hit, gotta sit
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But my nuts
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Get your ass down
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I don't know the rules
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Get your ass down
200
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- Hey, assface - Yeah?
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No, no, no, Alex
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I got you, bro
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What are you... Woah, woah, woah
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Rocco, what are you...
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Hey
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notice anything different? I'm using your soap.
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Get off me
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What can I tell you? It happens to a rat, Hickey.
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How are your balls?
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They've been through a lot these past two days, Petey boy.
211
00:10:03,544 --> 00:10:05,311
Where is Nelson and the other guys?
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They didn't get hurt, did they?
213
00:10:07,913 --> 00:10:08,913
No.
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Okay, good.
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00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,133
But, they hate you
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- Oh
- Yeah
217
00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:20,341
They've been calling you all sorts of names
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Sleazemonger, Rat Fink, Jackass Judas, Narc-fish-shit-breath
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00:10:27,821 --> 00:10:29,781
- That's one of my favorites.
- I get it, Rocco, I get it.
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00:10:30,899 --> 00:10:33,376
- Man, I'm like the most hated guy in school
- No
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Jesus
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00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,639
that was a full can of pop
223
00:10:41,537 --> 00:10:44,189
that's like a brick. This school is violent.
224
00:10:59,097 --> 00:11:00,404
Hilard, here's your orange whip
225
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Dairy-free, right? Right.
226
00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:09,306
So what are we looking at here
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00:11:09,492 --> 00:11:11,369
You getting picked on by older kids?
228
00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:13,732
Yeah,
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in gym class.
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00:11:15,748 --> 00:11:17,637
Tried to tell teacher but,
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only made it worse.
232
00:11:20,168 --> 00:11:22,547
Can I give you a little advice?
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00:11:23,139 --> 00:11:27,139
Sure. Tell me how everything's going
to be OK after high school,
234
00:11:27,318 --> 00:11:30,520
how everyone grows up and matures
and blah blah blah blah
235
00:11:30,671 --> 00:11:35,199
Oh, no. No, no, no. Everything's definitely
not going to be okay
236
00:11:35,473 --> 00:11:39,061
In fact, you're in one of the crappiest
situations any 12 year-old could find himself in.
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I'm 14
238
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Wow
239
00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:43,327
- you're very underdeveloped
- okay, okay
240
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:44,702
You had some advice?
241
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,439
Pete
242
00:11:48,479 --> 00:11:50,577
when I was 8 years old I had a bully
243
00:11:50,872 --> 00:11:52,254
what was his name?
244
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,202
- Helen
- Gotcha, gotcha
245
00:11:54,511 --> 00:11:57,781
everyday at recess, Helen would
jump on top of me,
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00:11:57,782 --> 00:11:59,127
hold me down
247
00:11:59,227 --> 00:12:01,046
shove a handful of gravel into my mouth.
248
00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:03,487
Then she'd pinch my nose and make me swallow it.
249
00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:05,266
That's awful!
250
00:12:05,284 --> 00:12:08,117
Ehhh, you crap a little gravel every now
and then, no big deal.
251
00:12:08,435 --> 00:12:10,028
I figured I probably deserved it for
252
00:12:10,222 --> 00:12:11,689
some reason or another.
253
00:12:12,970 --> 00:12:14,701
Then I got into middle school
254
00:12:14,872 --> 00:12:18,596
and had another bully, did pretty much the same thing
let her beat on me everyday.
255
00:12:19,316 --> 00:12:23,363
It went on that way pretty much
all the way to high school.
256
00:12:24,028 --> 00:12:25,028
Wow
257
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,048
Yep
258
00:12:26,514 --> 00:12:27,514
Now I'm broke,
259
00:12:27,852 --> 00:12:28,852
I'm divorced,
260
00:12:29,021 --> 00:12:32,029
just installed one of those kid-sized
toilets in my house
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00:12:32,038 --> 00:12:33,229
Jesus
262
00:12:33,237 --> 00:12:35,983
Took part in experimental growth
treatments overseas
263
00:12:36,327 --> 00:12:39,136
doctor put about 20 turkey bones in each leg
264
00:12:40,037 --> 00:12:43,217
and my ankles smell like fish and
I can't wear shorts anymore.
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Do you know what I learned, Pete,
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00:12:47,465 --> 00:12:48,766
after all those years?
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don't waste your time
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trying to be tall
269
00:12:57,115 --> 00:12:58,410
you're short, right?
270
00:12:59,974 --> 00:13:00,974
yeah
271
00:13:01,331 --> 00:13:03,597
that don't mean you got to be small
272
00:13:14,434 --> 00:13:15,550
thank you all for coming
273
00:13:15,941 --> 00:13:17,768
I hope you're all enjoying the hors d'œuvre
274
00:13:18,183 --> 00:13:20,610
These...these candy canes taste like ass
275
00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:22,813
yeah, well, that's because they're from
276
00:13:22,814 --> 00:13:24,994
two Christmases ago, so, sorry
277
00:13:25,475 --> 00:13:27,186
What are we even doing here?
278
00:13:27,656 --> 00:13:28,974
I'm about to tell you okay
279
00:13:31,072 --> 00:13:33,211
look I'm sorry about gym class
280
00:13:33,990 --> 00:13:36,092
Alright. Roman Ball's my fault.
281
00:13:37,093 --> 00:13:39,495
But, I had a really good talk with my uncle Hilard and...
282
00:13:39,691 --> 00:13:41,202
- Wait
- what?
283
00:13:41,302 --> 00:13:42,427
Hilard Zelnicki?
284
00:13:42,803 --> 00:13:44,284
The Tile Store guy?
285
00:13:44,808 --> 00:13:45,808
yeah
286
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:49,210
- The one with the chicken bones in his leg?
- Turkey bones, but yeah, that's him
287
00:13:49,534 --> 00:13:52,090
That guy's... He's gross as hell
288
00:13:52,477 --> 00:13:54,065
yeah Pete, He's pretty gross
289
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:55,389
I get it, but that's not the point...
290
00:13:55,663 --> 00:13:56,663
Look,
291
00:13:56,683 --> 00:14:00,535
aren't you sick of getting titty-twisters
in gym class while girls laugh at you?
292
00:14:00,601 --> 00:14:03,459
I heard Cobald's nipples look like a couple
of mangled beer cans.
293
00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:08,000
Aren't you sick of getting atomic wedgies
in the hallway?
294
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:11,218
Aren't you sick of being called limp dick?
295
00:14:12,447 --> 00:14:13,475
And butt-dick?
296
00:14:13,958 --> 00:14:14,999
Who called you butt-dick?
297
00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:16,395
Look
298
00:14:17,596 --> 00:14:18,959
It's only October
299
00:14:20,436 --> 00:14:21,635
Guys
300
00:14:22,109 --> 00:14:23,794
we got 8 more months of this.
301
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,090
Aren't you sick of living in fear?
302
00:14:27,232 --> 00:14:28,455
If we don't take a stand
303
00:14:28,714 --> 00:14:31,840
and stop people from walking all over us now
304
00:14:33,188 --> 00:14:35,853
they're going to walk
all over us for the rest of our lives.
305
00:14:36,122 --> 00:14:37,467
So what are we supposed to do?
306
00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:41,335
This coming Monday, Carfora's going
to make us play Roman Ball again
307
00:14:41,352 --> 00:14:42,352
but guess what?
308
00:14:43,944 --> 00:14:45,171
We're going to be ready
309
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:46,973
'Cause I got a plan
310
00:14:47,349 --> 00:14:48,349
I'm with you, Pete.
311
00:14:49,017 --> 00:14:51,040
Let's take these butt-dicks down!
312
00:14:51,205 --> 00:14:51,866
Yeah
313
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,057
Let's do this!
314
00:14:53,246 --> 00:14:54,246
Are you in?
315
00:14:55,542 --> 00:14:56,542
Nah
316
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,408
I don't think so
317
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:58,735
Don't be pussy, Nelson!
318
00:15:00,461 --> 00:15:02,042
Alright... yeah, fine, I'm in
319
00:15:02,047 --> 00:15:04,045
Yeah! Nice, nice. What about you guys, you guys in?
320
00:15:04,046 --> 00:15:06,199
- Yeah, sure. - Don't have better to do.
321
00:15:08,225 --> 00:15:10,785
OK, kind of hoping for a group cheer
or whatever, but it's whatever
322
00:15:11,802 --> 00:15:13,890
- yeah
- yeah, let's do this!
323
00:15:14,088 --> 00:15:15,088
Yeah!
324
00:15:24,953 --> 00:15:27,129
Alright, these are the rules of Roman Ball.
325
00:15:27,222 --> 00:15:30,258
So a team scores by throwing or
dunking a ball in the trash can.
326
00:15:30,259 --> 00:15:31,803
We have to get 15 points to win
327
00:15:31,804 --> 00:15:34,180
Are all of you understanding this?
Does this make sense?
328
00:15:35,952 --> 00:15:36,952
Hey, hey, hey, come back.
329
00:15:38,535 --> 00:15:39,616
Come back!
330
00:15:39,617 --> 00:15:41,459
Come on guys, faster. Let's go! Let's go!
331
00:15:41,843 --> 00:15:46,149
What, you think your balls hurt now? Uh-uh.
Wait 'till Roman Ball, that's where they aim dude.
332
00:15:46,714 --> 00:15:48,308
If a ball carrier
333
00:15:48,584 --> 00:15:52,439
is hit or a defender by the ball, he must
remain stationary for 5 seconds.
334
00:15:52,662 --> 00:15:55,847
But if you're hit with two balls
you have tosit down for 10 seconds.
335
00:15:56,968 --> 00:15:58,917
Go, go, go, go!
336
00:16:00,239 --> 00:16:02,004
Alright come back, let's go again.
337
00:16:03,106 --> 00:16:04,933
You're getting there, you're getting there.
338
00:16:14,079 --> 00:16:16,241
Just do one, okay. You can do this
339
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:18,393
Just a little more, come on
340
00:16:30,473 --> 00:16:32,905
Time, there we go, that was it
341
00:16:47,983 --> 00:16:48,983
Alright
342
00:16:49,588 --> 00:16:50,633
Alright, listen
343
00:16:58,577 --> 00:17:00,160
- It has been a grueling weekend
344
00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:01,719
but our muscles were toned
345
00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:03,610
our moves were in sync
346
00:17:03,962 --> 00:17:06,438
and Nelson was finally able
to do a freaking sit-up.
347
00:17:06,913 --> 00:17:08,105
We were ready.
348
00:17:12,593 --> 00:17:15,213
Who's ready for another fun game of Roman Ball?
349
00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:26,783
I hope you pussies are ready
for another ass whooping!
350
00:17:27,063 --> 00:17:30,148
I hope you butt-dicks are ready
to lick your own balls!
351
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,651
- It was a surprise attack of epic proportions.
352
00:17:43,064 --> 00:17:45,648
The once cocksure upperclassmen
were suddenly paralyzed.
353
00:17:45,878 --> 00:17:46,564
Petrified
354
00:17:46,763 --> 00:17:47,569
gobsmacked
355
00:17:47,615 --> 00:17:49,276
for there was nothing more disorienting
356
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:52,051
to a St Roman senior than a gang of freshman
357
00:17:52,052 --> 00:17:53,742
who weren't afraid to die.
358
00:17:59,832 --> 00:18:01,210
Frosh 10-26
359
00:18:01,627 --> 00:18:03,170
Frosh 10-26, let's go!
360
00:18:03,975 --> 00:18:05,874
Because this game meant something to us
361
00:18:05,875 --> 00:18:08,317
it was about more than just scoring a few points
362
00:18:08,318 --> 00:18:10,004
or eking out a decent score.
363
00:18:10,152 --> 00:18:11,152
Throw, throw
364
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:19,670
Get in! Everyone huddle up.
365
00:18:20,765 --> 00:18:22,845
- Why the hell are they just standing there?
- Get 'em!
366
00:18:23,927 --> 00:18:26,393
- It was about respect.
- Tighten up! Tighten up! Hold on! Tighter!
367
00:18:26,820 --> 00:18:28,580
- They're almost here!
- What are you doing Hickey?
368
00:18:29,467 --> 00:18:30,528
- It was about pride.
369
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:32,936
Down!
370
00:18:32,956 --> 00:18:35,957
It was about our one shining moment.
371
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,381
It was never our plan to win Roman Ball that day
372
00:18:53,376 --> 00:18:55,539
Our only plan was to stand up for ourselves.
373
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,025
And that's exactly what we did.
374
00:19:25,296 --> 00:19:28,482
Of course the seniors immediately
kicked the crap out of us
375
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:31,503
but after that game
they actually started backing off.
376
00:19:32,063 --> 00:19:33,105
a little bit anyway.
377
00:19:33,733 --> 00:19:35,611
Totally...worth it.
378
00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:43,931
From that day on
379
00:19:44,187 --> 00:19:45,734
I knew I might always be short
380
00:19:46,276 --> 00:19:47,934
but there was one thing I'd never be -
381
00:19:50,417 --> 00:19:51,417
small.
382
00:19:53,024 --> 00:19:54,024
And you know what?
383
00:19:54,051 --> 00:19:55,359
I did hit that flag
384
00:19:58,972 --> 00:20:01,517
10 years later at a high school reunion.
385
00:20:03,347 --> 00:20:05,073
Of course.
27155
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