Original subtitles

Being a Freshman at st. Roman's meant coming

to school everyday knowing you'd be forced to defend

yourself against the wrath of upper classmen.

It was kind of like stepping into a boxing ring

You know, if professional heavyweights went toe-to-toe with underdeveloped children.

For a more in-depth look at these two teenagers

with almost comically disproportionate athletic skills

let's go to the tale of the tape.

As you can see, Vegas odds never favored the St. Roman freshman.

Especially in gym class

Where Carfora's lackadaisical approach to teaching meant

the seniors could practically get away with murder.

- Oh, I am gonna murder you kid - Yeah

You could say that in school back then.

Indoor-voice Nelson

- Rocco and I managed to avoid these daily beatings

because we were the only two freshmen the seniors actually respected.

Just kidding

We hid under the bleachers like a couple of pussies.

I wonder how bad the titty-twisters are today?

10:26

Like clockwork

It's like they get paraded by every day just to watch us suffer

Oh, God that's Alex. Hide me, hide me, hide me.

Oh my God!

What are you guys doing?

Just doing some double-person

push-ups, you know what I'm saying.

One-thousand-one

One-thousand-two

Wow, Pete you're like the strongest guy I know

Okay, Get off me

Oh my God.

This is ridiculous dude

I play football

I'm supposed to be cool

Look.

All we have to do

is muscle through a few more years

of living under the bleachers until we're upperclassmen.

then

we'll run the school.

We'll have our one shining moment.

Yeah I guess.

By the way

what kind of soap do you use?

You smell awesome!

Maybe Rocco was right

and I just had to bide my time

until I grew to be just as big as the seniors.

I'm afraid you're not going to grow anymore.

What!?!

Oh, should we also do a hearing test?

Kidding... doctor joke

but seriously, no, you're not going to grow anymore.

You mean like...ever?

Well, I typically tell my patients 'Never Say Never'

but in your case...you're certain, so yeah.

- Never ever. - Oh my God, you're serious.

So, I can never remember are you a lollipop guy or a sticker guy?

Well on the bright side, think of all of the fun jobs you can get some day.

Like a horse jockey

or a gymnast

Or, oh, what about the guy who rescued the baby

from that well.

I'm willing to bet he was a small fella.

Right

- Gosh, what was that baby's name? - I just, don't really want to talk about it.

Mom

Sure

You know your uncle Hilard's only 5 foot 2

and he's had a pretty great life.

I mean his tiling company just declared bankruptcy and

Barbara's filing for divorce. I should have them for dinner.

- You know why don't we call and... - Mom, mom, mom

Can you please just not talk.

Yeah

Baby Jessica! That was her name!

Thank you

Gosh, that was driving me crazy.

How did she fall in the well?

so, you are going to drop your shorts

turn your head

cough and the doc here is going to inspect your...testicular areas

At least we don't have to hide under the bleachers today.

You think that's worse than some stranger

putting his hands on your junk?

Oh, he's not a stranger

His name's Nate,

I talked to him in the pisser.

- That's weird isn't it - Yeah, yeah, that is...

Okay listen up

I'll be in my snack office.

You guys have any questions at all

don't bug me.

Alright

Eric Nelson

Oh, could you run and ask one of the lunch-ladies for a latex glove?

No.

Suit yourself

Chin up dude

my grandpa Hector's 5 foot 3 and he's a badass

he's famous back in San Juan

for being the first guy

to sell piano wire as a weapon.

Are you not, like, worried at all that you might be done growing?

No, my doctor said I'm going to be 6 feet easy.

- but until then we just hire... - there is no until then for me, Rocco.

This is it.

Who gave you permission to be alive bud?

This is ridiculous

I've got to do something.

My cousin Dave knows a guy

if you need some muscle

and he'll do it for free

if you let him use your driveway

to sell copper piping out of the back of his van.

Does anyone in your family have a normal job?

My cousin, Dump-truck, teaches kindergarten.

Look, I'm just going to talk to Carfora

Alright, there's got to be something he can do.

Peter Hickey

I don't think that dude's a doctor.

Yeah

Um

Coach, can I...

ask you something?

Yes, Hickey, he's a real doctor.

Or a freelance, BMT, or...

something like that.

Actually I wanted to talk to you about gym class.

Look everyday the seniors basically just beat on the freshman.

OK

And I, I think that's because we need more structure and

supervision in class.

Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to do your job

I'm just...

you know what?

Say no more Hickey. I hear you loud and clear.

I wanna thank you, for bringing it to my attention.

I will take care of it.

Okay, cool

Thanks, Coach.

see you tomorrow.

- Hey - Hey

So I rented this movie last night

about a kid who becomes a pitcher for the Cubs.

Yeah

Bottom line -

I think we should break your arm later.

What?

Hey

you better hurry up and change.

We got to hide under the bleachers.

Don't worry man, I talked to Carfora

he's actually going to teach class today.

Wow, really?

- Great work, man - Yeah

Carfora's actually pretty reasonable.

Alright, listen up!

So yesterday

one of you came to me and said that I don't know how to do my job.

Oh Jesus

He also said

that the seniors were beating on the freshman

and therefore we could use a little more

structuralization

in class.

Now you're probably thinking

who beefed, Coach?

- Maybe he won't say it was you.

It was Hickey

Hickey beefed

beefed like brisket.

Squealed -

like a rat.

So,

for the next two weeks

we're playing Roman Ball.

Oh, yeah!

Wait, what's Roman Ball?

Alright

Seniors versus freshman

Any questions?

What are the rules?

No? OK... Great

Turns out Roman Ball

was like a sadistic cross

between basketball, dodgeball, and Street Fighter 2

- Enjoying yourself? - No

I later learned that the game

was invented by a former Saint Roman's faculty member

who went on to murder his entire family.

- Oh G... No, no, no, no

Cortez - double hit, gotta sit

But my nuts

Get your ass down

I don't know the rules

Get your ass down

- Hey, assface - Yeah?

No, no, no, Alex

I got you, bro

What are you... Woah, woah, woah

Rocco, what are you...

Hey

notice anything different? I'm using your soap.

Get off me

What can I tell you? It happens to a rat, Hickey.

How are your balls?

They've been through a lot these past two days, Petey boy.

Where is Nelson and the other guys?

They didn't get hurt, did they?

No.

Okay, good.

But, they hate you

- Oh - Yeah

They've been calling you all sorts of names

Sleazemonger, Rat Fink, Jackass Judas, Narc-fish-shit-breath

- That's one of my favorites. - I get it, Rocco, I get it.

- Man, I'm like the most hated guy in school - No

Jesus

that was a full can of pop

that's like a brick. This school is violent.

Hilard, here's your orange whip

Dairy-free, right? Right.

So what are we looking at here

You getting picked on by older kids?

Yeah,

in gym class.

Tried to tell teacher but,

only made it worse.

Can I give you a little advice?

Sure. Tell me how everything's going to be OK after high school,

how everyone grows up and matures and blah blah blah blah

Oh, no. No, no, no. Everything's definitely not going to be okay

In fact, you're in one of the crappiest situations any 12 year-old could find himself in.

I'm 14

Wow

- you're very underdeveloped - okay, okay

You had some advice?

Pete

when I was 8 years old I had a bully

what was his name?

- Helen - Gotcha, gotcha

everyday at recess, Helen would jump on top of me,

hold me down

shove a handful of gravel into my mouth.

Then she'd pinch my nose and make me swallow it.

That's awful!

Ehhh, you crap a little gravel every now and then, no big deal.

I figured I probably deserved it for

some reason or another.

Then I got into middle school

and had another bully, did pretty much the same thing let her beat on me everyday.

It went on that way pretty much all the way to high school.

Wow

Yep

Now I'm broke,

I'm divorced,

just installed one of those kid-sized toilets in my house

Jesus

Took part in experimental growth treatments overseas

doctor put about 20 turkey bones in each leg

and my ankles smell like fish and I can't wear shorts anymore.

Do you know what I learned, Pete,

after all those years?

don't waste your time

trying to be tall

you're short, right?

yeah

that don't mean you got to be small

thank you all for coming

I hope you're all enjoying the hors d'œuvre

These...these candy canes taste like ass

yeah, well, that's because they're from

two Christmases ago, so, sorry

What are we even doing here?

I'm about to tell you okay

look I'm sorry about gym class

Alright. Roman Ball's my fault.

But, I had a really good talk with my uncle Hilard and...

- Wait - what?

Hilard Zelnicki?

The Tile Store guy?

yeah

- The one with the chicken bones in his leg? - Turkey bones, but yeah, that's him

That guy's... He's gross as hell

yeah Pete, He's pretty gross

I get it, but that's not the point...

Look,

aren't you sick of getting titty-twisters in gym class while girls laugh at you?

I heard Cobald's nipples look like a couple of mangled beer cans.

Aren't you sick of getting atomic wedgies in the hallway?

Aren't you sick of being called limp dick?

And butt-dick?

Who called you butt-dick?

Look

It's only October

Guys

we got 8 more months of this.

Aren't you sick of living in fear?

If we don't take a stand

and stop people from walking all over us now

they're going to walk all over us for the rest of our lives.

So what are we supposed to do?

This coming Monday, Carfora's going to make us play Roman Ball again

but guess what?

We're going to be ready

'Cause I got a plan

I'm with you, Pete.

Let's take these butt-dicks down!

Yeah

Let's do this!

Are you in?

Nah

I don't think so

Don't be pussy, Nelson!

Alright... yeah, fine, I'm in

Yeah! Nice, nice. What about you guys, you guys in?

- Yeah, sure. - Don't have better to do.

OK, kind of hoping for a group cheer or whatever, but it's whatever

- yeah - yeah, let's do this!

Yeah!

Alright, these are the rules of Roman Ball.

So a team scores by throwing or dunking a ball in the trash can.

We have to get 15 points to win

Are all of you understanding this? Does this make sense?

Hey, hey, hey, come back.

Come back!

Come on guys, faster. Let's go! Let's go!

What, you think your balls hurt now? Uh-uh. Wait 'till Roman Ball, that's where they aim dude.

If a ball carrier

is hit or a defender by the ball, he must remain stationary for 5 seconds.

But if you're hit with two balls you have tosit down for 10 seconds.

Go, go, go, go!

Alright come back, let's go again.

You're getting there, you're getting there.

Just do one, okay. You can do this

Just a little more, come on

Time, there we go, that was it

Alright

Alright, listen

- It has been a grueling weekend

but our muscles were toned

our moves were in sync

and Nelson was finally able to do a freaking sit-up.

We were ready.

Who's ready for another fun game of Roman Ball?

I hope you pussies are ready for another ass whooping!

I hope you butt-dicks are ready to lick your own balls!

- It was a surprise attack of epic proportions.

The once cocksure upperclassmen were suddenly paralyzed.

Petrified

gobsmacked

for there was nothing more disorienting

to a St Roman senior than a gang of freshman

who weren't afraid to die.

Frosh 10-26

Frosh 10-26, let's go!

Because this game meant something to us

it was about more than just scoring a few points

or eking out a decent score.

Throw, throw

Get in! Everyone huddle up.

- Why the hell are they just standing there? - Get 'em!

- It was about respect. - Tighten up! Tighten up! Hold on! Tighter!

- They're almost here! - What are you doing Hickey?

- It was about pride.

Down!

It was about our one shining moment.

It was never our plan to win Roman Ball that day

Our only plan was to stand up for ourselves.

And that's exactly what we did.

Of course the seniors immediately kicked the crap out of us

but after that game they actually started backing off.

a little bit anyway.

Totally...worth it.

From that day on

I knew I might always be short

but there was one thing I'd never be -

small.

And you know what?

I did hit that flag

10 years later at a high school reunion.

Of course.