Original subtitles

- When you're 14

change is a way of life.

Oh, wow.

- Your voice changes - O'er the land of the free

Your skin changes

Your whole body changes.

There was one change in particular that I found

more disturbing than any of the others.

It was a change that no one ever really warned you about -

it was the boners.

By the age of 14 my body was betraying me on a daily basis

usually multiple times an hour.

I tried everything

meditation, extra long shirts

praying to St. Augustine

the patron saint of not getting boners.

None of it worked.

Naturally, I was ashamed of this

and confused

and eventually

it got me wondering.

What's the meaning of it all?

In many ways religion can be seen as mankind's search for meaning

it put our world in context

it allows us to ask questions

which many consider unanswerable.

Questions like why are we here?

Why does evil exist in the world?

Why has no one figured out a good way to hide boners?

These are the types of questions we'll be asking for the rest of the week

but first, Mr. Lindmeier, please lead us in the 'Our Father'.

The only time that my highly volatile junk

was in any way predictable was right here

in theology class.

For some unknown reason every day at

exactly 8:03 a.m. when we would recite the 'Our Father'

it would happen.

And if that wasn't bad enough

the very next day it was my turn to lead the class.

As far as I was concerned there was only one explanation

for what was going on here -

God was trying to humiliate me.

Why is this happening to me?

is God like punishing me or something?

Look at those lucky bastards

going to 7-Eleven with girls.

Rocco, I'm...

What do you think they do there?

I bet it's something awesome.

Like makeout behind the dumpsters or something

Rocco!

I'm trying to have a very important conversation with you right now.

Is it about boners again?

Of course it's about boners,

what else would it be about?

In that case, I already told you

if you get tackled and land on your dick

yes, it can break in half like a bone.

- Oh my God - So just don't get tackled

Look, I'm getting a boner

to freaking 'Our Father'.

It's some pretty messed up stuff, dude.

I don't know man,

lead us not into temptation is a pretty sexy sentence.

You think God's like punishing me or something?

Probably

But, why?

God is mad scary, bro.

and mankind's crazy fly.

So... yeah

there's a good chance you did something to piss him off.

- Like what, though? - I don't know

Do you have your rosary on you?

- No. - Do you eat right before mass?

Sometimes.

Do you think about sex?

- Yes - All the time?

- Yes. - Are you thinking about it right now? Please say no.

Well, now I am!

See what I mean?

I mean like if I was God,

I'd probably want to punish you, too.

Okay, well, you do the exact same things.

Yeah, but I'm Puerto Rican

I have a system in place.

Checks and balances

Every bad thing I've ever done

is cancelled out by a good thing.

If I swear, I recycle a tin can.

Take the Lord's name in vain,

I give a random compliment to a cute little baby.

Have an impure thought about the middle-aged lady

who walks in her nightgown in the apartment next door.

I know I said it.

The point is - if you want a favor from God

you got to earn it.

You gotta go out there and do some good in this world Pete.

Oh my God you're right.

Of course, I'm right.

And you can't say "Oh my God".

Oh you're right.

Dammit

Oh, shit

Oh, God

You got your work cut out for you dude.

Dear God,

it's me Pete Hickey

Well, you probably already knew that.

Well actually my voice has been changing

a lot lately

so maybe you just, you know, didn't recognize it.

Look, I know I don't talk to you as much as I probably should

but, I also know you're supposed to be pretty forgiving

so hoping you can just let that one slide.

Look, I just wanted to tell you that I did a lot of good stuff today.

Which, you know, actually I'm sure you saw because you see everything but

in the off chance you didn't 'cause you were doing a miracle or something like

making a rainbow

or helping someone win a championship...

Look what I'm trying to say is,

I think you would have been really proud of me today

and I'm not really

asking for a lot,

but...

I need to get through tomorrow's prayer without getting a boner -

Sorry, sorry

erection

in front of my whole class.

So

if you think you can handle that

please, give me a sign

Jesus Christ

Thank you

Okay, so far so good.

Feeling loose,

no change in blood flow,

no detectable tingling of the nether regions.

Almost 8:03

Looks like my little talk with the big man upstairs actually paid...

Oh no.

Good morning class

Lots to talk about today so let's get right to it. Mr. Hickey

I believe you're up. - Not if I can help it.

would you care to do us the honor?

- Mr. Hickey. - Uh, yeah.

Please come to the front of the class and lead us in the morning prayer.

Why can't someone else do it for today?

Well, because that's not how it works.

It's your turn, you know the drill, on your feet now.

Umm....I can't

What do you mean you can't?

I mean...I'm not

Excuse me?!?

I don't want to do it today, Father Fenelon, I just...

don't want to lead the prayer, okay?

- What's the matter with you today, Peter? - I just don't want to lead the stupid prayer, okay.

The stupid prayer now?

Yeah.

So you have a problem with the Lord's Prayer?

The prayer that Jesus himself

taught to his disciples.

- Maybe. - Maybe.

Yeah... maybe

you know, maybe I have a problem praying to someone

who...

doesn't even listen to me.

Who says they care about me,

but obviously doesn't.

I'm going to ask you one more time Mr. Hickey

please come to the front of the room and say the prayer.

No.

Dude.

Alright then.

You've just earned yourself a trip to JUG.

Right now! West wing!

- I said go! - No.

No!?!

So you have a problem with institutional punishment now too?

Look, I'm sorry Father Fenelon,

sometimes you have to take a stand

and stand up for what's right

and just...

Wait...

I can go now.

That's my boy, starting a revolution.

It was the first time I'd ever been sent to JUG.

Justice Under God

our schools version of detention.

It was basically the same as detention at any other school except, you know

with way more Catholic guilt.

But at least there, I knew I'd be safe.

I wouldn't have to worry about boners for awhile.

Jesus Christ

Stop looking at her Pete.

Your body got you into this mess.

Nothing good can possibly come from watching her polish chalices.

- Hey, Pete - - Oh, no.

Isn't it crazy we're both in JUG together?

Yeah, so crazy.

Hey, we should probably stay away from each other

just so we can stay focused on our chores, you know

Yeah, right

good one.

Oh, God she smells like cucumber melon body spray from

Bath & Body Works - Stop smelling her, you idiot!

So... why are you here.

Involuntary manslaughter

I'm kidding.

I got caught kissing Justin in the hallway.

Oh. - I liked the first answer better.

So, what are you in here for?

I...

basically told Fenelon that I didn't believe

in God anymore.

Wait...seriously?

I don't know I just,

starting to think that this whole religion thing is kind of a joke, you know.

I mean...

The body of Christ?

These are made in Wisconsin.

And you'd think

God would be a little bit tastier, right?

Pete...

So if both of you got in trouble then where's Justin?

He didn't get in trouble

What?

Yeah he has a game tonight.

I guess he didn't want to risk him missing it

because the school cares more about the boys soccer

team than the girls, so...

That's... incredibly unfair.

I know

But, whatcha gonna do?

Wait, wait, I just...

this is exactly the kind of stuff I'm talking about.

I mean...

just because things have happened a certain way

doesn't mean it's the right way.

At this place, you know, they say you did something wrong

they send us here and we just go along with it.

Like, I... We don't even question it. I just don't get it.

I know, I mean

Look

the teacher doesn't even take it seriously

why should we?

What do you think?

About what?

About getting out of here?

So, as I was saying

the nature of man

as expressed through the framework of religion is...

- I have a question.

Yes, Mr. Nelson.

If Hickey doesn't have to say that prayer

why do the rest of us?

Well, Mr. Hickey did have to say the prayer

but he chose not to and now he's being punished for it.

Yeah, but... I mean

if you think about it

maybe he's right.

I mean

why do we have to say that prayer every day?

Why do we have to say any prayers?

Ever.

- Yeah - Yeah, he's got a point.

So where do you want to go?

I don't know.

Where do people who sneak out of detention usually go?

The roof?

Does this place have a roof?

I'm pretty sure this place has a roof.

You don't know what you talking about, You know what I mean.

I have an idea - the teachers lounge

I heard they have the best candy in the vending machine.

And I've never drank coffee before.

Want to get crazy?

I'm just saying

if you question one decision you can start questioning every decision.

and then you wonder like

Why do any of us do anything?

He's got a point.

Does he now?

Maybe we should all just like never do anything ever again.

I already don't do much as it is.

Thanks.

What do you think?

"The best part of waking up", am I right?

Oh, yeah.

This is awful - Oh my God

that's awful. I hate it, a lot.

That's going to take a while.

Thanks.

This is fun though.

Right?

We're just kind of hanging out

doing whatever we want not worrying about the consequences

You're telling me you're not the slightest bit scared?

Nah

Not when I know that what we're doing is right.

Did you hear that?

All I'm saying is,

if there is a God

then why do bad things happen to good people?

Well...

Yeah... If God controls everything

why did He let Tonya Harding hit Nancy Kerrigan

in the leg with a crowbar?

Tonya Harding didn't hit Nancy Kerrigan, her boyfriend hired some...

You know what that's not the point.

I don't even know what to believe anymore.

- Yeah. - Yeah, me neither.

I'm never going to church again.

You know what, clearly I underestimated the lot of you. You're smarter,

more intelligent, more mature than I gave you credit for.

I think the best course of action would be for each of you to write a 5-page paper

on everything we've talked about today, how does that sound?

That's what I thought.

I'll be right back.

Wait, how come you get to leave whenever you want

and we have to ask?

- Yeah - Yeah - Yeah, that's not fair.

Just... Shhh...

Hey, you should probably...

hide here for a while.

Hey Pete

can I ask you something?

Yeah, of course

Did you mean what you said earlier about...God?

What?

I mean you said you didn't believe in him

There's been some stuff happening to me lately

I turned to God, asked God for help and he just completely ignores me

so I don't really know what else I'm supposed to think

Want to know a little secret?

Things don't have to work out perfectly.

What do you mean?

I mean

I think it's cool how things

sometimes don't make any sense at all.

I think that's kind of the point.

Life would be pretty boring otherwise.

Yeah, you're probably right.

You know what I think we should do?

What?

Leave school. - What?!?

- You mean, like, leave the building?!? - What did you say Mr. Hickey,

you want to go to 7-Eleven with me?

7-Eleven?

- Oh my God

it was finally happening.

A convenience store

a girl

and I did it all on my own

- without the help of a higher power. - Pete

yeah, yeah

- You want to... - Yeah

- go. - Let's go, right now.

- We were almost there

a few more steps to freedom.

This is going to be so great!

- And that's when she touched me...

Pete, what are you doing?

I got something in my sock

just give me a second.

- OK, well, hurry - Yeah

Come on, man...

What's taking so long?

I'm not really good with socks

it's my dyslexia.

Runs in the family.

How about you go ahead and go, I'll be right behind you.

No, I can, I can wait

No, no, no, Alex trust me, just go.

Pete.

Alex

I'll be right behind you

I'll just be a second.

Why now?

Why me, why now?

Goddamn you

Mr. Hickey...

you're supposed to be in JUG.

I know

- Is there someone else down there? - No, no, no, no, no

It's, it's just me. -Sorry, I got a crick in my neck.

Come on, let's go.

Stand up Mr. Hickey!

Pete, I've had about enough of this today!

Ahhh...Jesus

Alright

I see

Okay, I...

I think I understand what's been going on now.

Yeah

Look

try not to worry about it.

I mean, it doesn't last forever.

Eventually all this will...

settle down and you can get back to being a normal,

somewhat normal

human again.

Are you sure?

I mean, how do you know that?

Mr. Hickey I have to remain celibate for the rest

of my life, I know a thing or two about the subject.

Thanks

Now get back to JUG.

It's situations like this

that the good priests

generally try to avoid.

Yeah

I can't believe how cruel God is.

The boners,

the humiliation,

ruining my big 7-Eleven moment.

You still don't get it, do you?

Get what?

You were given a gift.

What are you talking about Rocco?

Think about it

those boners got you kicked out of class.

Those boners led you to JUG

those boners gave you a whole day alone with Alex.

Those boners weren't a punishment

those boners were the answer.

Those boners were a miracle from God.

Hey, Pete

thanks for covering for me today

I had a lot of fun.

Oh my God.

See

You thought God ditched you.

You only saw one set of footprints in the sand

and you thought you were alone.

But it turns out

it's because God was carrying you this entire time man.

I'm so confused

What... How...

Footprints in the...

Footprints?

It's a saying man

You know, it's a parable or some shit.

No, I've never...never heard it.

- You don't know 'Footprints in the Sand'? - No

It's, it's like a laminated poster thing

No, no, sorry

Well, what do you read when you're on the can in your parents' bathroom?

- We probably talked about that poster for another 45 minutes.

And in the end

I think I finally got it.

It was like Alex had said, things didn't always have to make sense or go according to plan.

That was part of the beauty of life.

That day I wanted nothing more than to go to a convenience

store with a beautiful girl.

But it turned out

I went somewhere else entirely

I went to a beach

with God

- You know what, dude?

You go ahead and go on, I got to just...

- You know, yeah, go, you know