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Previously on "You Me Her"...
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00:00:05,119 --> 00:00:07,370
Did you know that trying
to do everything in threes,
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00:00:07,371 --> 00:00:10,175
especially sex, is a poly foul?
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00:00:10,193 --> 00:00:12,226
Somebody put a full-price
offer on this house.
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00:00:12,261 --> 00:00:13,961
Helen's gonna do us a landlord solid
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00:00:13,996 --> 00:00:15,729
and give us 72 hours to match it.
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Could this morning
be any more stressful?
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- Don't say that.
- I'm having what?!
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They're twins, normal human girls,
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not aliens or devil children.
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I'm gonna get a real
job with a real salary
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00:00:24,506 --> 00:00:26,807
so I can help us get
the loan for the house.
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"I've got a session."
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I never thought I'd
actually be saying that
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as the therapist and not the patient.
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Good morning, darling.
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You look a little, uh... gorgeous.
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That's the word I was gonna say.
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- Thanks?
- So, how about school?
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00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:41,287
You really should
mind your own business.
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Don't get that stupid
savior look in your eye.
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- Are you still in love with them?
- More than ever.
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Then you need to figure
a way to love their life.
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I have a gift. Pumpkin spice.
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00:00:50,198 --> 00:00:52,365
The official shit candle
of Hawthorne Heights.
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00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,102
Nathan. Nathan, Izzy.
Izzy is also a shrink.
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00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:57,070
She works with troubled
teens at Directions.
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I'm just gonna play it
cool until you tell me
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I'm definitely not getting this job.
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You are definitely not getting this job.
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I'm just gonna call 911.
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Jack. Izzy.
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Emma.
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Hi. Excuse me. Nope, not you.
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Hi. Excuse me. Hi.
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Um, we... Our, um, wife was
admitted earlier tonight.
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Right, and before you
go, like, "Our wife?"
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her name is Emma Trakarsky. Yeah.
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- And she's a beautif...
- Hey!
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Where the hell have you two been?!
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My... My ringer was off, and
I didn't quite hear the...
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Yeah, and my phone was
also kind of on the...
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- It was...
-... on the brink.
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You know, this is so typical.
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The shit gets real, and Mama's left
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to handle everything on her own, right?
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You got to live large in the spotlight,
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and we toil away in anonymity,
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Emma making not one, but two humans,
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and me just holding the
whole damn world together
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while Dave can't even remember
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what city he's lounging around in.
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I mean, honestly,
would it be so terrible
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if he just choked on his
room-service prime rib?
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- You know, not to death, because I love him...
- Mm. No, no.
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... but enough so that the EMTs
just have to kick in the door
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and then they find some
weird porn paused on the TV,
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and they put on Instagram.
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00:02:00,668 --> 00:02:02,434
- Would that be so fucking terrible?!
- Carmen.
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00:02:02,469 --> 00:02:03,902
- Is Emma okay?
- Who?
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Oh, yeah, she's fine. Babies are fine.
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I'm gonna go now.
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00:02:08,408 --> 00:02:10,553
- Where... Should we follow you, or...
- Okay, but is she... Is she... Is she...
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Emma, are you okay?
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- Oh, guys, I'm so embarrassed.
- Does it hurt? What's going on?
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No, no, no. It was just gas. It was gas.
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- It's... I'm... I'm fine. Where were you guys?
- Hey.
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You know, it's like you fell
off the edge of the earth.
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We were at, uh...
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- At a class.
- Mm-hmm.
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For home... home improvement.
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Uh-huh. A class?
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- Uh, yep.
- Ah.
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You know how, um, I wanna be handier
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- around the house, like my dad?
- Uh-huh.
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Well, turns out I'm going through
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a mild identity crisis...
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- Oh.
-... which is very common for guys
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who are approaching
parenthood and middle age
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00:02:39,371 --> 00:02:40,637
at the same time.
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You smell like...
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Alcohol.
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- Good nose.
- Yes.
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They were serving it there.
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They... You know what?
Sometimes they, uh...
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You know how at cooking classes
they serve wine? Similar.
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00:02:52,183 --> 00:02:53,528
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no, it smells more like, um...
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Bourbon? Right?
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00:02:55,220 --> 00:02:56,831
- I was gonna say that before you interrupted...
- Do we?
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... because I wasn't done.
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00:02:57,690 --> 00:02:58,490
We've been talking about
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00:02:58,491 --> 00:03:00,320
- this not-interrupting
thing, right? - Have we?
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00:03:00,321 --> 00:03:01,725
- Ah.
- Look, the bottom line
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00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,693
is that we didn't learn anything
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00:03:03,729 --> 00:03:05,295
that we could actually demonstrate.
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00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:07,208
- If you were to ask.
- You've been House Catting me.
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00:03:07,232 --> 00:03:09,065
- House Catting?
- House Catting me.
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00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,945
You know, like, when the house
cat gets away for the weekend,
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runs with the strays, and comes back
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a guilty, matted mess
spinning tall tales.
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That's you two right now.
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I don't know about
cats t... telling tales.
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Guys, just where were you?
Just tell me where you were.
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00:03:19,878 --> 00:03:22,178
- Shaun's new bar.
- Shaun's new bar.
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00:03:22,213 --> 00:03:24,981
See, now, was that so
hard? A little honesty?
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00:03:25,016 --> 00:03:26,315
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
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00:03:26,350 --> 00:03:28,017
So, here's the thing: I'm totally fine.
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It was a false alarm. I
got a clean bill of health.
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You know, damn the luck.
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It happened in the
middle of my interview.
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00:03:33,124 --> 00:03:34,824
- No, Emma, I'm sorry.
- Yes.
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No, no, no. It's fine,
because I totally rocked it.
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Dr. Bhang, how long have
you been standing there?
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Long enough to hear
that torrent of bullshit.
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The only words you
got right were the ones
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00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:46,202
that don't matter, like "she" and "the."
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Your wife had what's called
Braxton-Hicks contractions.
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Which, I assume, is not
the technical term for gas?
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00:03:53,243 --> 00:03:55,311
So I left a few things out.
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00:03:55,346 --> 00:03:56,690
What, you wanna tell me a little more
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00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:58,514
about your drunk-handyman class?
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00:03:58,549 --> 00:04:01,417
Anyway, Braxton-Hicks
isn't unusual at this stage,
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00:04:01,452 --> 00:04:03,952
but your symptoms were more
pronounced than I'd like to see.
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00:04:03,987 --> 00:04:06,288
- Oh, my God. Is it serious?
- Not this time.
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00:04:06,324 --> 00:04:08,089
But at your age with twins,
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00:04:08,125 --> 00:04:09,692
I'd like to keep an eye on things.
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00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:11,460
So watch out for bleeding
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00:04:11,495 --> 00:04:13,929
and take it easy for a little while.
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00:04:13,964 --> 00:04:17,165
This is your body's way
of saying "slow down."
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00:04:17,201 --> 00:04:19,145
But when you say it's my body's
way of saying "slow down,"
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00:04:19,169 --> 00:04:22,870
- you mean, like...
- Slow. Down.
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00:04:22,905 --> 00:04:25,139
- Got it.
- Doc.
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00:04:25,174 --> 00:04:27,520
At what stage of pregnancy are
tranquilizer darts acceptable?
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00:04:27,544 --> 00:04:29,677
I neither heard that nor told you
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00:04:29,713 --> 00:04:32,513
that they're readily available at
most outdoor-sporting-goods stores.
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00:04:32,549 --> 00:04:35,149
- I like her.
- She's funny.
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00:04:35,184 --> 00:04:38,919
Today, we are going to show
everything you need to know
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00:04:38,955 --> 00:04:41,756
to get your slippery
shelf locked and loaded
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00:04:41,791 --> 00:04:43,825
and ready to store shit.
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00:04:44,260 --> 00:04:46,594
Hey, babe. How'd you sleep?
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00:04:46,629 --> 00:04:48,396
Like a rock. What's he doing?
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00:04:48,431 --> 00:04:50,465
- It's very entertaining.
- Hm.
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00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,967
Voilà .
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00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:55,870
- Take notes, ladies.
- That is how you hang a cab...
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00:04:55,905 --> 00:04:57,070
Aah! -Oh, my God!
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00:04:57,105 --> 00:04:58,705
- Oh, my...
- Jesus! What the...
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00:04:58,741 --> 00:05:00,084
He didn't scream the first seven times.
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00:05:00,108 --> 00:05:01,875
- It's still hanging.
- It looks great.
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00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,710
Hey, babe, why don't you just ask Gabe?
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00:05:03,746 --> 00:05:05,345
- He's good at this stuff.
- Call Gabe?
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00:05:05,381 --> 00:05:06,713
Yeah, the real fucking man?
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00:05:06,749 --> 00:05:08,515
The one who got my dad's toolbox?
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00:05:08,550 --> 00:05:10,562
Things would have been different
if I got the toolbox, right?
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00:05:10,586 --> 00:05:11,885
Maybe he would have been the one
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00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,398
with the bleached hair and the eyeliner.
156
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,524
Wait. Did that actually happen?
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00:05:17,559 --> 00:05:20,861
- Yes.
- Are there photographs? Guys, wait.
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00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:22,607
- Wait, no. Emma. Emma.
- Honey... Honey, I... I got... I got it.
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00:05:22,631 --> 00:05:23,864
- I got it. I got it.
- Thank you.
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00:05:23,899 --> 00:05:25,076
Please sit down. You don't need to...
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00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,767
- Please, sit down.
- Okay, there is
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00:05:26,802 --> 00:05:29,935
- a razor-thin line between sweet and creepy...
- Here.
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... and you two are skating on it.
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00:05:32,006 --> 00:05:33,010
- Emma.
- Look, I'm fine.
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00:05:33,011 --> 00:05:34,874
You don't need to
mummify me in Bubble Wrap.
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00:05:34,909 --> 00:05:37,276
Emma, the doctor said that you
are "moderate to high risk."
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00:05:37,311 --> 00:05:40,413
- That is a big deal.
- Okay, well, so I won't base jump or fight crime.
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00:05:40,448 --> 00:05:42,281
- Here.
- Oh, my God. Shoo.
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00:05:42,316 --> 00:05:44,327
- Go already, guys, okay?
- You just need a little vitamin C.
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00:05:44,351 --> 00:05:46,485
Look, I have much to do.
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00:05:46,521 --> 00:05:48,621
Need quiet. Please.
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- Like what?
- Yeah. Like what?
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00:05:50,425 --> 00:05:54,493
Well, I have decided to
turn all offers down...
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00:05:54,529 --> 00:05:56,629
- "All" offers?
- Did... Did we miss some?
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00:05:56,664 --> 00:05:59,364
... and start my own
architectural-consulting firm
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from home.
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00:06:03,603 --> 00:06:05,904
Well, don't all jump
up and down at once.
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00:06:05,939 --> 00:06:07,739
Uh... now, Iz...
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00:06:07,774 --> 00:06:09,819
Honey, the doctor just said you
were supposed to take it easy.
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00:06:09,843 --> 00:06:12,410
Oh, my God, babe, this is
exactly why I said it was gas.
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00:06:12,446 --> 00:06:13,978
Okay, shoo, both of you.
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00:06:14,013 --> 00:06:16,648
I can't just lay around
incubating our offspring all day.
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I... I... I'm still me.
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00:06:18,418 --> 00:06:20,284
I'm still Emma Goddamn Trakarsky,
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Slayer of Worlds!
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00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:25,723
Please?
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00:06:27,594 --> 00:06:28,893
Okay, just be careful.
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00:06:28,929 --> 00:06:32,764
We love you, Emma Goddamn Trakarsky.
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00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,333
- Mm.
- Okay, get out of here.
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00:06:37,903 --> 00:06:40,671
Go, dorks.
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00:06:40,706 --> 00:06:43,474
Sometimes I swear it's
like she can't stand
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00:06:43,509 --> 00:06:44,975
being in the same room as me.
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00:06:45,010 --> 00:06:47,811
- You know what I mean?
- I do. I really, really do.
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00:06:49,482 --> 00:06:53,116
And... and... and I ask
her if she wants to talk,
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00:06:53,151 --> 00:06:56,052
and she says that my voice is like nails
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00:06:56,088 --> 00:06:58,822
on the chalkboard of her soul.
197
00:06:58,858 --> 00:07:00,858
Are you okay?
198
00:07:00,893 --> 00:07:03,159
Mm. That's horrible.
199
00:07:03,195 --> 00:07:05,762
- Sorry. Listen, Billy...
- Barry.
200
00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:08,464
Um, I'm gonna do you a solid, okay,
201
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,999
and rip off the Band-Aid:
202
00:07:10,034 --> 00:07:13,202
Maybe today, maybe
tomorrow, maybe next month...
203
00:07:13,237 --> 00:07:14,937
I don't know... but
she's gonna dump you.
204
00:07:14,973 --> 00:07:17,439
So just salvage whatever's
left of your dignity
205
00:07:17,475 --> 00:07:19,709
- and beat her to it.
- But...
206
00:07:19,744 --> 00:07:22,512
Ship's sailed, Benny. Trust me.
207
00:07:22,547 --> 00:07:25,481
- Am I your first patient?
- Fourth.
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00:07:25,517 --> 00:07:28,117
You're my fourth session
of five hundred that I need
209
00:07:28,152 --> 00:07:30,119
to get certified so I can
sit in rooms like this,
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00:07:30,154 --> 00:07:32,622
listening to people like you for the...
211
00:07:32,657 --> 00:07:34,657
rest of my life.
212
00:07:37,629 --> 00:07:39,662
Hi.
213
00:07:39,697 --> 00:07:40,763
Hello?
214
00:07:40,798 --> 00:07:42,097
Mm.
215
00:07:47,204 --> 00:07:48,904
Are you... are you leaving?
216
00:07:48,939 --> 00:07:51,573
Brian, I quit.
217
00:07:51,608 --> 00:07:53,909
It's Barry.
218
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,180
Wow. This outfit
219
00:07:58,215 --> 00:08:02,017
is amazing!
220
00:08:02,053 --> 00:08:03,785
Where did you get it?
221
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,965
Okay, but, seriously, I have
a question. Can I borrow it?
222
00:08:05,989 --> 00:08:09,391
So funny, but I probably
make more than you do.
223
00:08:09,427 --> 00:08:10,526
That's fair.
224
00:08:10,561 --> 00:08:11,826
Perks of working for The Man.
225
00:08:11,862 --> 00:08:14,162
- I guess so.
- The downside is that my life
226
00:08:14,197 --> 00:08:17,231
is now a very strange, leafy nightmare
227
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:19,233
- from which I can never wake.
- Mm.
228
00:08:19,269 --> 00:08:21,436
Do you know that song about broken wings
229
00:08:21,471 --> 00:08:23,771
- and learning to live so free?
- ♪ So ♪
230
00:08:23,806 --> 00:08:26,607
Yes, I hear that nine times per shift.
231
00:08:26,642 --> 00:08:28,209
Nine.
232
00:08:28,244 --> 00:08:32,880
Hey, maybe they're testing
interrogation techniques.
233
00:08:32,915 --> 00:08:35,349
Do you feel compelled
to confess anything?
234
00:08:35,385 --> 00:08:38,119
This job and living with Grams
235
00:08:38,154 --> 00:08:40,421
makes me nostalgic for homelessness.
236
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:41,922
- Mm!
- That bad, huh?
237
00:08:41,958 --> 00:08:43,423
I'm mostly kidding.
238
00:08:43,459 --> 00:08:46,926
What about, oh... I
don't know... school?
239
00:08:46,962 --> 00:08:49,162
What about it?
240
00:08:49,198 --> 00:08:50,830
- Sasha.
- Hmm?
241
00:08:50,865 --> 00:08:52,777
You made a blood pact that
you would get your diploma.
242
00:08:52,801 --> 00:08:54,267
There was blood?
243
00:08:54,303 --> 00:08:56,603
- I don't remember that.
- I don't mean to get heavy,
244
00:08:56,638 --> 00:08:59,906
but what you do now determines
the rest of your life.
245
00:08:59,941 --> 00:09:01,708
- So...
- Wow.
246
00:09:01,743 --> 00:09:04,211
- Thanks for not getting heavy.
- You're welcome.
247
00:09:04,246 --> 00:09:06,391
At the time I got right, it
was too late in the semester.
248
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:09,416
Plus, I, um...
249
00:09:11,052 --> 00:09:15,054
I called the admissions chick
a soulless shit sculpture.
250
00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:17,257
She seemed less helpful after that.
251
00:09:17,292 --> 00:09:18,824
That's shocking.
252
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,993
Oh, what about your future?
253
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,596
- Gotta wear shades, man.
- Yeah?
254
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,264
- Yes.
- Yeah, well,
255
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:27,566
seems like you're not
really an equal partner
256
00:09:27,602 --> 00:09:28,834
in your weird little triad
257
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,936
working part-time at the teen daycare.
258
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,639
That's a job for bleeding
hearts who don't pay bills.
259
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:34,973
That's valid.
260
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,420
What about that Hawthorne School gig?
261
00:09:36,444 --> 00:09:39,111
Uh, yeah, no, that's not happening.
262
00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:42,714
I did everything except barf
in that dude's shoes, so...
263
00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:47,953
I'm thinking you've overcome
worse first impressions.
264
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,322
- That's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
265
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,459
- Oh, God.
- What?
266
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,294
- What is that?
- What?
267
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,896
That is the savior look.
268
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,330
- No, no. That's not.
- No.
269
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,366
You misunderstood. Stop staring at me.
270
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,368
Look. Oh, no.
271
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,971
Cleanup on "Aisle you
need to go back to school."
272
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:31,696
What do we have here?
273
00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:42,439
Hey, I just wanted to, uh, check on you
274
00:10:42,474 --> 00:10:45,275
before I head to the magazine.
275
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,944
Oh, Carm, that's
really sweet, but I'm...
276
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,714
Hey, you scared me. Just
don't do that again, okay?
277
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:50,981
- You sure you're okay?
- Yes.
278
00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:52,416
- You're one-hundred percent?
- Yeah.
279
00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:54,618
- Nothing holding you back?
- I'm fine.
280
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,787
- Okay! You can watch my kids.
- Whoa! Hold up, hold up.
281
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,989
Carm, look, you know I love
you and I love the girls,
282
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:02,926
but I'm starting a business,
and as you said, verbatim,
283
00:11:02,961 --> 00:11:05,229
"Trying to watch kids
and start a business
284
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,197
is the saddest clown show ever."
285
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,466
Ah, sweetie.
286
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:12,902
Why... why start a business
right before you have twins?
287
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:15,405
So I don't lose my shit.
288
00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:18,775
Am I gonna suck at this?
289
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,777
Absolutely.
290
00:11:20,812 --> 00:11:22,279
But then you'll get better.
291
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,914
And then, one day,
you'll wake up and realize
292
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:27,150
that being an amazing mom quietly became
293
00:11:27,185 --> 00:11:29,319
a big part of who you are.
294
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,820
Part of Emma.
295
00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:36,091
- Mm.
- Thank you.
296
00:11:38,630 --> 00:11:40,974
- You're looking at something over my shoulder, aren't you?
- Mm.
297
00:11:40,998 --> 00:11:42,231
The new neighbors.
298
00:11:43,834 --> 00:11:45,701
Oh, yeah, that's Marty and Will.
299
00:11:45,737 --> 00:11:47,202
They moved here from Hillsboro.
300
00:11:47,238 --> 00:11:49,538
- God, their kid is cute.
- What, so it's true?
301
00:11:49,574 --> 00:11:52,141
We have gays? We have gays!
302
00:11:52,176 --> 00:11:54,877
Yeah, well, maybe don't lead with that.
303
00:11:57,181 --> 00:11:58,514
Hey! If you can run that fast,
304
00:11:58,549 --> 00:11:59,715
you can easily watch my kids.
305
00:11:59,751 --> 00:12:03,152
Hi. Hello. Hi. I'm... Whew!
306
00:12:03,187 --> 00:12:05,120
- I'm Emma Trakarsky.
- Hey.
307
00:12:05,156 --> 00:12:08,657
I live next door with
my husband and my wife,
308
00:12:08,692 --> 00:12:12,260
because I'm poly, which
means I'm bi, so, hi.
309
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:13,662
It's lovely to meet you, Polly.
310
00:12:13,697 --> 00:12:15,430
- What? Oh, no, no, no.
- Wait.
311
00:12:15,465 --> 00:12:17,143
My name is Emma. I w...
I was just telling you
312
00:12:17,167 --> 00:12:19,133
- I'm polyamorous.
- Please excuse her.
313
00:12:19,169 --> 00:12:21,503
She's just super-duper double pregnant,
314
00:12:21,538 --> 00:12:23,271
and it's making her peculiar.
315
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:26,374
Oh, okay, well, I'm Marty,
and this is my husband, Will.
316
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:29,311
Hi. And who's this handsome little guy?
317
00:12:29,346 --> 00:12:31,813
I love children. I'm
kind of known for it.
318
00:12:31,848 --> 00:12:33,381
Ehh, are you really?
319
00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,683
Oh, this is Parker.
320
00:12:34,718 --> 00:12:36,785
He's four and, apparently, really shy.
321
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,688
My husband says everyone
named Parker is a winner.
322
00:12:39,723 --> 00:12:41,823
Are you a winner, Parker?!
323
00:12:41,858 --> 00:12:43,324
He's a winner. Don't worry.
324
00:12:43,359 --> 00:12:46,360
- Weird. I'm gonna go to work, so...
- Yeah.
325
00:12:46,395 --> 00:12:48,529
I ju... I just want
to say how great it is
326
00:12:48,564 --> 00:12:51,032
to have another "alt"
family in the neighborhood.
327
00:12:51,067 --> 00:12:53,534
I mean, being polyamorous,
I... I know the challenges,
328
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:56,270
- but love is love, and family's family, right?
- Yeah.
329
00:12:56,306 --> 00:12:58,172
Anyway, um, I'm just over there
330
00:12:58,208 --> 00:13:00,052
- if you need anything at all.
- Is that a threat?
331
00:13:00,076 --> 00:13:01,809
Well, that's enough relating for today.
332
00:13:01,845 --> 00:13:02,944
Come along. Bye, guys.
333
00:13:02,979 --> 00:13:04,846
- Bye.
- Bye.
334
00:13:04,881 --> 00:13:07,326
- What the hell was that all about?
- We'll call you. I don't know.
335
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:09,128
We're the Gaydashians, honey.
Just milk it while it lasts.
336
00:13:17,392 --> 00:13:20,927
Ohh, help me stave off the avalanche
337
00:13:20,963 --> 00:13:22,662
of terror and hopelessness.
338
00:13:22,697 --> 00:13:24,697
Amnesia on the rocks, coming up.
339
00:13:27,035 --> 00:13:29,169
So, I'm sensing that
you've got a tale to tell.
340
00:13:29,204 --> 00:13:30,436
Mm-hmm.
341
00:13:30,472 --> 00:13:32,906
Well, I walked in, I quit,
342
00:13:32,941 --> 00:13:34,941
I walked out, the end.
343
00:13:37,379 --> 00:13:39,712
Oh. Yikes. Okay.
344
00:13:39,748 --> 00:13:41,147
Well...
345
00:13:42,885 --> 00:13:44,117
... this should do the trick.
346
00:13:44,152 --> 00:13:45,418
Good.
347
00:13:50,292 --> 00:13:53,225
Ooh! That is a day changer.
348
00:13:53,261 --> 00:13:55,395
Yeah, don't ask what's
in it.-- Oh, man.
349
00:13:55,430 --> 00:13:57,430
I spent eight of my Best Ass Years
350
00:13:57,465 --> 00:13:58,964
slaving away to get my doctorate,
351
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,166
and all I learned is that
I loathe listening to people
352
00:14:01,202 --> 00:14:03,936
- whine about their problems.
- Oh.
353
00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:06,171
Well, that's, um...
354
00:14:06,207 --> 00:14:08,908
That's certainly a... a, um...
355
00:14:08,943 --> 00:14:10,443
What do you think that is?
356
00:14:10,478 --> 00:14:12,356
You know, instead of listening
to a bunch of Cray-Crays
357
00:14:12,380 --> 00:14:14,680
go on and on, trying to
figure it out themselves,
358
00:14:14,716 --> 00:14:17,950
why can't I just cut to the
chase and tell 'em what to do,
359
00:14:17,985 --> 00:14:20,653
and if they don't do
it, they get shocked?
360
00:14:20,688 --> 00:14:22,121
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
361
00:14:22,156 --> 00:14:24,089
I'm so fucked.
362
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,594
Uh...
363
00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:30,963
you like telling people what to do.
364
00:14:30,998 --> 00:14:32,631
Mm-hmm, yeah.
365
00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:36,802
Why not do that right here?
366
00:14:36,837 --> 00:14:39,404
You dole out the advice,
I dole out the drinks.
367
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,972
It's the perfect hook for this place.
368
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:42,674
And... and... and we can get you a sign
369
00:14:42,709 --> 00:14:45,610
that says "the doctor's
in", like Lucy van Pelt.
370
00:14:45,646 --> 00:14:48,313
Well, she is by far my favorite Peanut.
371
00:14:48,348 --> 00:14:51,115
See? It's... It's... It's destiny.
372
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,552
You'd really do that for me?
373
00:14:53,587 --> 00:14:55,053
Babe, it's win/win. Yeah.
374
00:14:55,088 --> 00:14:56,822
Mm.
375
00:14:58,892 --> 00:15:02,994
You see, I got a mind
to take your innocence
376
00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:05,330
- right here on this bar.
- Aww.
377
00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:07,397
Well, there's no one I'd
rather have deflower me,
378
00:15:07,433 --> 00:15:09,767
but I thought we were
waiting for the right time.
379
00:15:11,971 --> 00:15:13,211
Oh, the right time's right now?
380
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:15,405
- The right time is now?!
- Yeah.
381
00:15:15,441 --> 00:15:16,674
Oh!
382
00:15:16,709 --> 00:15:19,409
Okay, what the hell just happened?
383
00:15:19,445 --> 00:15:21,011
I call it "sex."
384
00:15:21,046 --> 00:15:23,146
Mnh-mnh. No, no, no, no.
385
00:15:23,182 --> 00:15:26,216
No, three little letters
cannot house that experience.
386
00:15:26,251 --> 00:15:27,351
What the fuck are you...
387
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:29,219
some kind of undercover fuck ninja?
388
00:15:29,254 --> 00:15:30,621
I lost count.
389
00:15:30,656 --> 00:15:31,889
I never lose count,
390
00:15:31,924 --> 00:15:33,557
in case I need to complain later.
391
00:15:33,593 --> 00:15:35,292
Sure. It was four.
392
00:15:35,327 --> 00:15:36,861
I'm sorry.
393
00:15:36,896 --> 00:15:41,397
I must have been overexcited
'cause fi... five is my par.
394
00:15:41,432 --> 00:15:44,300
God, I don't what is yet, but
something about this is bad.
395
00:15:44,335 --> 00:15:46,503
It's very, very bad.
396
00:15:46,538 --> 00:15:49,506
Well, j... just give me a second.
I can... I can go for five.
397
00:15:49,541 --> 00:15:51,207
Give me... give me a minute.
398
00:16:08,059 --> 00:16:11,293
Aah! Aah! Oh!
399
00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:13,562
Ah, shit!
400
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:15,431
- Ohh!
- You're getting it, man.
401
00:16:17,902 --> 00:16:19,135
Yes.
402
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,140
Okay.
403
00:16:24,175 --> 00:16:27,476
So, um, what did you
release in Grief Yoga?
404
00:16:27,512 --> 00:16:29,912
No, I'm pretty sure that wasn't me.
405
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,881
It was that skinny vegan
guy in the burlap clothes.
406
00:16:35,653 --> 00:16:37,520
Oh, fuck!
407
00:16:37,555 --> 00:16:41,057
What the fuck? Is that
what I think it is?
408
00:16:41,092 --> 00:16:44,427
Yeah, or, uh, maca root
tea and organic vinegar?
409
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,795
It's animal urine, is what what it is.
410
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:50,532
It's, like, feline
411
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:54,035
based on the bottom
notes of fish and rat.
412
00:16:54,071 --> 00:16:55,381
It's an amazing cleanse, you know,
413
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,705
and it... and it evens out
414
00:16:57,740 --> 00:17:00,453
- your, uh, testosterone production, and...
- Okay, you know what? Stop. Just stop.
415
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,877
What has to happen to a guy
416
00:17:02,912 --> 00:17:06,581
to make him want to
pay to drink cat piss?
417
00:17:06,616 --> 00:17:08,550
Um, she cheated on me.
418
00:17:08,585 --> 00:17:10,351
- Yeah, that...
- With my brother.
419
00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:11,752
Ooh.
420
00:17:11,788 --> 00:17:14,122
Over Thanksgiving at my parents' house.
421
00:17:14,157 --> 00:17:16,023
Wow. That happens in real life?
422
00:17:16,059 --> 00:17:17,459
Yeah.
423
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:20,728
I found her in my childhood bedroom
424
00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:23,731
giving thanks to my brother's penis.
425
00:17:25,602 --> 00:17:28,069
I'm s...
426
00:17:28,104 --> 00:17:30,204
That is... That is
awful. I'm s... That is...
427
00:17:30,239 --> 00:17:31,405
Then it got ugly.
428
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,873
- Then it got ugly?
- Yeah.
429
00:17:32,909 --> 00:17:34,219
I can't wait to hear what's worse.
430
00:17:34,243 --> 00:17:36,877
Yeah, I, uh... I forgave her,
431
00:17:36,913 --> 00:17:38,212
you know, begged her to stay,
432
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:39,780
and... and... and, like,
433
00:17:39,816 --> 00:17:41,983
you know, not like, "Please stay."
434
00:17:42,018 --> 00:17:44,518
It... it was... it was... I beg-begged.
435
00:17:44,553 --> 00:17:45,920
- Ooh.
- Really begged.
436
00:17:45,955 --> 00:17:47,488
Like, there were... there were tears.
437
00:17:47,523 --> 00:17:49,924
- On... oOn... on her shoes.
- Mm.
438
00:17:49,959 --> 00:17:51,336
- Yeah, so...
- You're right. It did get worse.
439
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,593
Yeah.
440
00:17:52,629 --> 00:17:55,262
So now, you know,
441
00:17:55,297 --> 00:17:59,499
my... my ex-wife is...
is... is my sister-in-law.
442
00:17:59,534 --> 00:18:03,236
And I'm just trying to
purify myself, you know,
443
00:18:03,271 --> 00:18:06,139
maybe become perfect so
that... so that someday
444
00:18:06,174 --> 00:18:09,876
someone might love me or something.
445
00:18:09,911 --> 00:18:11,444
Dude. Geez.
446
00:18:11,479 --> 00:18:14,681
Nathan, I wish I could say
something, you know, better,
447
00:18:14,716 --> 00:18:17,517
m... more inspirational,
but I'm really sorry, man.
448
00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:19,185
- That's awful.
- Yeah.
449
00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:21,921
Thank you.
450
00:18:21,957 --> 00:18:25,258
Ooh, you're going right in
for the cat piss again, huh?
451
00:18:27,362 --> 00:18:29,662
Ugh.
452
00:18:29,697 --> 00:18:30,963
Welcome. Hey.
453
00:18:30,998 --> 00:18:32,331
Thank you for coming by.
454
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:33,866
No, no, no, no. It's okay, it's okay.
455
00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:35,701
No, yeah. There's a
bottle open on the table.
456
00:18:35,736 --> 00:18:37,436
Yeah, just go on in.
457
00:18:37,472 --> 00:18:39,138
Hey! Look at you.
458
00:18:39,174 --> 00:18:41,707
Okay, sure. That's awesome.
459
00:18:43,645 --> 00:18:45,210
Doing real good. Hey, bud.
460
00:18:45,245 --> 00:18:46,511
Give me a high five?
461
00:18:46,547 --> 00:18:48,147
Oh, my God! Thank you!
462
00:18:54,855 --> 00:18:56,588
Oh, about time.
463
00:18:56,623 --> 00:18:58,769
Are you coming to get them,
or should I bring them to you?
464
00:18:58,793 --> 00:19:00,837
Question: What's going on
at Will and Marty's house?
465
00:19:00,861 --> 00:19:02,861
It looks like they're having a big party
466
00:19:02,897 --> 00:19:04,675
with all the neighborhood
housewives and kids.
467
00:19:04,699 --> 00:19:06,765
- Oh, that's Binge Club.
- Binge Club?
468
00:19:06,801 --> 00:19:09,134
Yeah, it's something they
did back in Hillsboro.
469
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:11,369
All the stay-at-home
parents meet up at Marty's
470
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:12,871
and take turns watching the kids,
471
00:19:12,907 --> 00:19:14,851
and then when you're not
on duty, you get adult time
472
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:16,974
bingeing the latest
and greatest TV shows.
473
00:19:17,010 --> 00:19:19,322
- Well, why wasn't I invited?
- Well, there's no president, Em.
474
00:19:19,346 --> 00:19:21,813
- Nothing whatsoever to conquer.
- What's that supposed to mean?
475
00:19:21,848 --> 00:19:23,848
Well, plus, you'd hate
the show they're watching.
476
00:19:23,883 --> 00:19:25,550
It's "Who We Are."
477
00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,753
Ugh, that sappy soap that
teaches us "what really matters"
478
00:19:28,788 --> 00:19:31,323
by metaphorically drowning
kittens till we cry?
479
00:19:31,358 --> 00:19:33,391
Yep, that's... that's the one.
480
00:19:33,427 --> 00:19:35,338
Oh, how could anyone watch
that manipulative shit?
481
00:19:35,362 --> 00:19:37,440
Don't they have anything
better to do with their time?
482
00:19:37,464 --> 00:19:39,063
Speaking of, one of us has a job.
483
00:19:39,099 --> 00:19:40,432
You are horrible.
484
00:19:40,467 --> 00:19:41,866
Ah, love you, too. Bye.
485
00:19:55,481 --> 00:19:57,281
Ugh.
486
00:19:58,951 --> 00:20:02,119
Four bars in, and I've
already lost 20 I.Q. points.
487
00:20:02,154 --> 00:20:04,288
Who's ready?
488
00:20:04,323 --> 00:20:06,790
Binge Club in the house!
489
00:20:09,328 --> 00:20:10,927
What?
490
00:20:20,205 --> 00:20:22,072
Hormones.
491
00:20:22,107 --> 00:20:24,608
It's gotta be the hormones.
492
00:20:24,644 --> 00:20:27,710
Nooo! He can't be dead!
493
00:20:27,746 --> 00:20:30,013
I mean, he literally can't be dead
494
00:20:30,048 --> 00:20:31,714
because he's, like, all over the preview
495
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:34,684
for the next episode, but... still.
496
00:20:34,719 --> 00:20:37,220
Oh, like that?
497
00:20:37,256 --> 00:20:40,157
Always like that.
498
00:20:40,192 --> 00:20:42,959
Oh.
499
00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:45,495
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
500
00:20:45,530 --> 00:20:47,563
Fresh start. I'm Izzy Silva.
501
00:20:47,599 --> 00:20:49,900
It's... it's nice to see you again.
502
00:20:51,904 --> 00:20:53,136
Okay, that sounds good.
503
00:20:53,172 --> 00:20:55,505
No, I'm Dr. Izzy Silva.
504
00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:57,340
Nice to meet you again.
505
00:20:57,375 --> 00:20:59,042
Do you like that?
506
00:20:59,077 --> 00:21:02,178
Is that... Oh. Hello.
507
00:21:02,213 --> 00:21:03,645
- Izzy.
- Hi.
508
00:21:03,681 --> 00:21:05,647
What are you doing here?
509
00:21:05,683 --> 00:21:08,717
Fresh start.
510
00:21:08,752 --> 00:21:10,452
I'm Izzy Silva. Uh, wait.
511
00:21:10,487 --> 00:21:13,122
I'm... I'm Dr. Izzy Silva.
512
00:21:13,157 --> 00:21:16,192
Yeah, the girl with the vape
513
00:21:16,227 --> 00:21:18,560
and the booze and the insults
514
00:21:18,595 --> 00:21:20,395
and the holier-than-thou attitude.
515
00:21:20,431 --> 00:21:21,663
That was playtime Izzy.
516
00:21:21,699 --> 00:21:24,867
This is very serious Izzy.
517
00:21:24,902 --> 00:21:26,501
I want the job.
518
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:29,404
Helping entitled rich kids
with their faux damage?
519
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:30,806
I'm good at what I do.
520
00:21:30,842 --> 00:21:32,041
See this stack over here?
521
00:21:32,076 --> 00:21:34,008
I added mine. Mine's on top.
522
00:21:34,044 --> 00:21:36,445
Okay, well, they're all
good at what they do,
523
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,348
- and they're more qualified.
- Qualified. I've heard.
524
00:21:39,383 --> 00:21:41,383
You're not gonna make
this easy, are you?
525
00:21:41,418 --> 00:21:43,385
Why would I?
526
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:45,554
Okay. Well...
527
00:21:48,091 --> 00:21:52,694
A kid asked me to sign
this on the way in,
528
00:21:52,730 --> 00:21:55,397
which means they thought
I might be a student,
529
00:21:55,432 --> 00:21:57,272
and now I'm very, very
much in love with them.
530
00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:59,468
- "Them"?
- Yeah, stay tuned.
531
00:21:59,503 --> 00:22:02,838
So, turns out that the
non-binary student collective
532
00:22:02,873 --> 00:22:05,473
is gearing up to protest
unless you start providing
533
00:22:05,508 --> 00:22:07,508
gender-neutral bathroom alternatives.
534
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:08,877
Rough.
535
00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:11,880
Wait. What? We settled this last year.
536
00:22:11,915 --> 00:22:14,782
Trans kids are welcome to
use any bathroom they wish.
537
00:22:14,817 --> 00:22:15,917
Dude.
538
00:22:15,952 --> 00:22:17,285
What?
539
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,787
Non-binary is not the same as trans.
540
00:22:19,822 --> 00:22:22,556
I knew that.
541
00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,458
Did you?
542
00:22:24,494 --> 00:22:26,627
- I didn't know that.
- No.
543
00:22:26,662 --> 00:22:29,264
Look, you tell anyone,
and I will deny it.
544
00:22:29,299 --> 00:22:31,432
I won't. Look, I just... I fell behind
545
00:22:31,467 --> 00:22:34,769
on... on all the initials
and the acronyms and...
546
00:22:34,804 --> 00:22:36,404
Well, it sounds like, to me,
547
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:39,807
that you need an
LGBTQIA-plus specialist,
548
00:22:39,842 --> 00:22:41,642
and I just happen to be pansexual,
549
00:22:41,677 --> 00:22:42,976
or so they tell me.
550
00:22:43,012 --> 00:22:46,480
So I'm very well-versed.
551
00:22:46,516 --> 00:22:48,015
Fine.
552
00:22:48,050 --> 00:22:49,583
- Really?
- Wait.
553
00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:51,619
But it is probational for one month,
554
00:22:51,654 --> 00:22:52,920
and then we evaluate.
555
00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:54,988
Amazing. Thank you so much.
556
00:22:55,024 --> 00:22:56,524
Oh, I have one condition.
557
00:22:56,559 --> 00:22:57,991
I hope it's psoriasis
558
00:22:58,027 --> 00:23:00,093
because you literally have no leverage.
559
00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:02,129
Um, I just need you
to admit one student.
560
00:23:02,164 --> 00:23:03,542
Her name is Sasha, and she was homeless
561
00:23:03,566 --> 00:23:04,899
up until two months ago,
562
00:23:04,934 --> 00:23:06,545
but she couldn't go
to the public school.
563
00:23:06,569 --> 00:23:08,436
Um, she's amazing.
564
00:23:11,841 --> 00:23:14,675
Okay, I'll, uh... I'll tell you what.
565
00:23:14,710 --> 00:23:16,021
I'll try to put in for a recommendation.
566
00:23:16,045 --> 00:23:17,677
Oh, she'll start right away.
567
00:23:17,712 --> 00:23:18,912
Thank you.
568
00:23:18,948 --> 00:23:19,980
Yeah.
569
00:23:20,015 --> 00:23:21,248
I appreciate it.
570
00:23:21,283 --> 00:23:22,515
All right, see ya.
571
00:23:22,551 --> 00:23:24,484
See ya.
572
00:23:40,135 --> 00:23:42,869
Polly?
573
00:23:44,406 --> 00:23:47,874
Why are you giving me your mail?
574
00:23:47,909 --> 00:23:49,876
Why didn't you invite me?
575
00:23:49,911 --> 00:23:51,578
Wh... Oh! Oh, I get it.
576
00:23:51,613 --> 00:23:53,057
You think it's because
you're tightly wound
577
00:23:53,081 --> 00:23:54,246
and a little bit scary.
578
00:23:54,282 --> 00:23:57,550
No, that's... that's not what I think.
579
00:23:57,586 --> 00:23:59,385
Is that what you think?
580
00:23:59,420 --> 00:24:01,788
Yeah, a little, but,
actually, the main reason
581
00:24:01,823 --> 00:24:03,523
is because you don't have any children.
582
00:24:03,558 --> 00:24:04,991
- Well... - Like,
out-vitro children.
583
00:24:05,026 --> 00:24:06,626
- Yeah, but...
- Do you?
584
00:24:06,661 --> 00:24:09,128
Have any kids that
aren't inside your belly?
585
00:24:11,332 --> 00:24:12,932
Yeah.
586
00:24:12,968 --> 00:24:14,501
Okay, bye.
587
00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:20,740
Fuck.
588
00:24:20,775 --> 00:24:23,242
What are you actually doing down there?
589
00:24:23,277 --> 00:24:25,077
Well, I call it "work."
590
00:24:25,113 --> 00:24:26,590
What are you actually doing up there?
591
00:24:26,614 --> 00:24:29,248
Eh, not so much. Just pondering.
592
00:24:29,283 --> 00:24:31,683
I'm gonna spend the rest of
my life paying student loans
593
00:24:31,719 --> 00:24:33,585
for a career that spanned three days.
594
00:24:33,621 --> 00:24:35,854
Fascinating, right?
595
00:24:35,890 --> 00:24:37,423
Well, I'm not a therapist,
596
00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:40,226
but I did make it
through all twelve steps,
597
00:24:40,261 --> 00:24:44,263
which makes me insufferably wise.
598
00:24:44,298 --> 00:24:47,333
- May I?
- Knock yourself out.
599
00:24:47,368 --> 00:24:49,902
This, uh... this career
that you just quit,
600
00:24:49,937 --> 00:24:52,505
it's kind of like a pie-eating contest.
601
00:24:52,540 --> 00:24:55,307
It's really not. At all.
602
00:24:55,343 --> 00:24:58,443
- But good effort, Izzy's dad.
- Yeah.
603
00:24:58,478 --> 00:25:00,712
You just spent the past eight years
604
00:25:00,748 --> 00:25:03,048
eating as much pie
as you possibly could,
605
00:25:03,083 --> 00:25:04,550
shoveling it down,
606
00:25:04,585 --> 00:25:06,652
spending all of your
money buying more pies,
607
00:25:06,687 --> 00:25:09,354
going into pie debt, but
you just kept on going
608
00:25:09,389 --> 00:25:11,356
because you didn't know what else to do.
609
00:25:11,391 --> 00:25:17,195
And, finally, one day,
you eat the last pie.
610
00:25:17,230 --> 00:25:18,697
Yay!
611
00:25:18,732 --> 00:25:20,899
You won the pie-eating
contest! It's great.
612
00:25:20,935 --> 00:25:23,501
And then they wheel in your prize
613
00:25:23,537 --> 00:25:25,871
on one of those big dollies.
614
00:25:25,906 --> 00:25:27,806
Can you guess what it is?
615
00:25:27,841 --> 00:25:30,943
I agreed to a story, Ben, not a riddle.
616
00:25:30,978 --> 00:25:32,409
More pie.
617
00:25:32,445 --> 00:25:34,912
A shit ton of fucking pie.
618
00:25:34,948 --> 00:25:37,748
That's what you got for
winning the pie-eating contest.
619
00:25:37,784 --> 00:25:39,550
- I hate pie.
- Yeah.
620
00:25:39,586 --> 00:25:41,786
I... I think maybe I always hated pie.
621
00:25:41,821 --> 00:25:42,887
Yeah.
622
00:25:42,922 --> 00:25:44,989
So why keep eating it?
623
00:25:45,024 --> 00:25:47,625
Well, I...
624
00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:50,962
Fear? Obligation?
625
00:25:50,997 --> 00:25:52,329
Other people?
626
00:25:54,467 --> 00:25:56,901
Other people.
627
00:25:56,936 --> 00:25:58,769
I hate them as much as I hate pie.
628
00:25:58,805 --> 00:26:00,437
There you go.
629
00:26:00,473 --> 00:26:02,106
I wasted eight years.
630
00:26:02,141 --> 00:26:03,741
I doubt that.
631
00:26:07,813 --> 00:26:10,880
Hmm. I wondered what Izzy saw in you.
632
00:26:16,822 --> 00:26:19,322
Okay, it's almost pizza time!
633
00:26:27,799 --> 00:26:29,565
Oh, God damn it, woman.
634
00:26:29,601 --> 00:26:31,434
Quit being such a
needy, selfish little...
635
00:26:31,469 --> 00:26:32,814
- Give me you kids. Now!
- Jesus Christ.
636
00:26:32,838 --> 00:26:34,671
- Come on. Go get them.
- Okay, just...
637
00:26:34,706 --> 00:26:36,606
And any other ones you
find scurrying about.
638
00:26:36,642 --> 00:26:39,042
Go! Go, go, go.
639
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:45,500
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
46837
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