Original subtitles

'Twas the night before christmas,

and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

in hopes that saint nicholas soon would be there.

And he was. Right there.

In my house.

The real santa. Alive.

That's right, the bearded one really exists.

But i'm getting a little ahead of my story here.

Let's go back a little earlier.

'Twas the day before christmas,

and all through the pad,

everyone was at home,

even workaholic ol' dad.

And mom in the kitchen cooking still like a rookie,

scorching the backs of the gingerbread cookies.

And then, there's my sister, a parents' delight.

Annoying, bad-tempered, and obnoxiously bright.

And precious little peter,

the family loves him the most.

If he comes into my room one more time,

he'll be toast.

Then there is me, handsome and true.

The best at everything that anyone can do.

Intelligent, witty, there is no doubt.

Kind, compassionate.

Peter, get out.

But, danny--

what's the rule about coming in my room?

Never come in your room.

But dad wants to know

when you want to decorate the tree.

I want to decorate the tree on christmas eve,

like every other year

we've ever decorated christmas trees

in this family.

But it is christmas eve.

It's not christmas eve, doofus.

That's tomorrow.

Now close the door.

Ok, whatever you say.

Christmas eve.

Christmas eve?

Oops.

There's a problem with christmas,

when your wallet is light.

You can't stand your father,

and your sister is just...

a little too bright.

You must turn to the one who gets you out of your funk,

just sell your little brother

a whole bunch of... junk.

Hey, sweetie.

What's all that stuff?

I've been christmas shopping.

Shopping? Where?

Danny's room.

Daniel francis wrigley, get out here now!

Uh-oh.

What about my no-returns policy?

Danny, you are not allowed

to shake down your little brother.

He wasn't shaking me.

He was being nice.

Pete, he was taking advantage of you,

and he ought to be ashamed of himself.

Don't hold your breath.

Stick a sock in it, katy.

Danny. What?

Ok. Please stick a sock in it.

But, mom, i want all that stuff.

See?

Who's the victim here?

He's not complaining.

Come on. It's just like uncle nick says.

I'm just helping him share the wealth.

Uncle nick, huh?

It's too bad it's always someone else's wealth

that uncle nick is so eager to share.

No. Uncle nick is the bomb.

He is, ok?

You just don't understand him.

Danny, nick's got a lot of good qualities,

yes, but he's not exactly a good role model for you. All right?

He's a con artist.

He's an entrepreneur.

Right. Ok.

He's a con artist with a laptop.

It's not a matter of the presents.

It's a matter of taking advantage of your little brother.

He looks up to you the same way you look up to nick.

Aah!

Oh, peter. What are you doing?

You said it was family money.

Ho ho, oh, buddy.

Danny's our family, and he needs it.

I was just sharing the wealth.

Ok, that's weird.

I can see his lips moving,

but i can hear danny talking.

It's ok, danny.

You can shake me down if you want to.

I like it.

Do me a favor, pete.

Just don't, like, uh,

say that in front of anyone...

ever again.

Ok?

Uncle nick is by far the coolest person in this family.

I don't even know how he and dad

could be from the same parents.

You're the coolest, danny.

I appreciate that, little dude,

but, um...

i got a long way to go

to measure up to uncle nick.

I bet he's someplace right this minute

making a major big-bucks business deal.

He probably has 'em begging for mercy.

I'm begging you, please don't hurt me.

All right, nick. Where's your office?

But this is my office.

Well, then,

where are all your highly-skilled employees, nick?

Out to lunch?

Ok, it's just me-- me and my computer.

What are you guys gonna do with me?

Who are you guys?

We guys are the guys

that got swindled by your phony website, nick.

Yeah. I guess the name should've tipped us off--

realfastdough.com.

You two knuckleheads?

Ohh! Oh, come on, bill. Let me slap him.

Let me give him some of that mama's kitchen discipline.

No, harry. No, no, no, no.

Slapping him will not get back

the $30,000 he bilked us out of

with his bogus little business offering.

How did i get tied up?

We ask the questions here.

Where's our money?

Fine. I'll tell you.

First i put your money into a safe long-term cd,

then i shifted the capital into a real up-and-coming ipo--

made a killing--

flipped it the same day into some mutual funds,

blue chip stocks--

nick, please! Where is it?

Well, there is a measure of risk in every investment.

It's gone. I ju--

so, nick...

you did it all here on your nifty little laptop, huh?

Oh, that's nice, very, very nice.

Please be careful of lappy.

It's very sensitive.

Sensitive?

Nick's got a sensitive computer.

Ho ha ha ha!

You ever see what happens

when you pour a hot cup of cocoa

over a sensitive computer, nick?

It ain't pretty.

No, don't, not to lappy!

My whole life is on that thing!

All my account numbers and contacts, businesses.

All your scams, you mean, nick.

What scams? Ooh!

Ok!

Ok. Those, too.

Just please don't damage my computer

and--and--and...

and don't hurt me.

Oh, we're not gonna hurt you or your computer, nick.

No. We're gonna leave that

to our vice president of collections--eliot.

Oh, boy, another one like you.

I don't think i can take--

eliot?

That's me.

Nice to meet you.

Yee-aaaaah!

Aaaaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aaaah! Yeee-aaaaah!

Aaaaah!

Aah.

30 large in cash christmas morning

or you, nick, are the cocoa.

I understand. I understand. Ok.

Oh, that's hot.

Oh, did billy burn himself?

It's ok. Let harry blow.

Let harry blow. Now go untie him!

Ok.

Ok.

Ow.

Uh, guys, wait.

Uh, i'm gonna need lappy

if you want me to make any headway on your cash.

No, i don't--

tch, tch, tch, tch, tch!

Ok. You can have it.

Thank you.

And, nick...

don't try to leave town, either. Ok?

Or eliot here will start by disabling

your precious hard drive there,

and then he's gonna work his way up to you.

Yeah.

I'm not leaving town.

Game's over.

It's time to get out.

Whoa!

♪ Fire is burning slow ♪

♪ now where's that mistletoe? ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ dear ♪

♪ it's getting kind of hot in here ♪

♪ i need a taste of christmas cheer ♪

♪ hope he gets here quick ♪

♪ i need a saint nick, nick ♪

♪ i guess it just had to be ♪

♪ all wrapped up for me ♪

ack!

Ok, you got it?

Here we go.

♪ He traded in his reindeer for a limousine ♪

♪ he's wearing purple trousers instead of red and green ♪

on 2. Ready?

Ooh. Aah.

Aaaaaah!

Go on.

Hey!

Children, chanting: we want santa!

We want santa!

We want santa!

Ooh!

Murray, hurry up.

There's about a thousand brats

waiting for us out there.

Hey, you, elf.

You see someone go in there?

Oh, great.

What now, nick?

Murray.

Just in the nick of time.

Hey!

What the--

come here!

Children, chanting: we want santa claus!

We want santa claus!

Ohh! You!

Your elf's waiting for you.

Oh! Yes, yes.

Ho ho!

Well, uh, thank you, eliot.

Hey, how do you know my name?

Well, i'm santa, am i not?

Ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha!

Have you been a good boy?

Of course i've been a good boy.

Have you really?

Yes.

Ok.

Here he is, the guy you've been waiting for--

santa!

Santa?

Everybody...

just be good for goodness sakes!

Hello?

Where you goin'?

Gotta find a place to hide out.

But where?

Murray! Where you goin'?

Don't leave me alone with these kids.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Ho ho! All right!

Ok. Everybody ready?

Yup.

"'Twas the night before christmas,

"when all through the house,

"not a creature was stirring,

"not even a mouse.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

"in the hopes that saint nicholas

soon would be there."

Oh, who on earth could that be?

Nobody move.

Maybe it's saint nicholas.

I don't think so, peter.

Saint nick doesn't usually come to the front door.

Ho ho ho!

Santa?

Are you sure you got the right house?

Well, 300 walnut.

Oh.

Something's here. Oop.

Nick?

Ha ha ha!

Saint nick today.

Whoo!

Nick. What on earth are you doing here?

Hello, gorgeous.

How do you manage to stay so young and pretty

married to this stick-in-the-mud, huh?

Uncle nick!

Oh, it's peter cottontail!

Hey, i don't have a cotton tail.

Oh, no?

Then what is this, huh?

Oh...

abby? Where's kaitlin?

And who is this runway model

we have here?

Stop!

Well, look at you. You're all grown up.

Well, there he is--

dan the man.

Woo woo woo woo woo!

How you doin'?

Great.

Did you get my e-mail?

Yes, i did.

Oh, look at them together.

Yeah?

And may i say that i love tibet.

The himalayas are just outstanding,

and i'm so down with oaxaca.

Very cool pyramids.

But i see your first summer

after high school graduation

in the principality of monaco.

Monaco.

Oui, oui.

Monaco? Oh, for--

soaking up the rays on the beach by day

and sticking it to the casinos by night.

I call it "the killer bs"--

beaches, babes, and big bucks.

Ooh, i could go with that.

I could go with that.

Ok, here we go.

1, 2, 3, go.

Oh, man! You're getting faster.

What's that, been practicing now?

No, no.

Incoming!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoa!

Oh, come on, little brother,

don't pretend you're not happy to see me.

Oh, of course he's happy to see you.

It's just we weren't expecting you, nick.

The spanish weren't expecting the inquisition,

but that didn't stop torquemada.

You know, it's not fair that you got all the brains

and i got stuck with just good looks.

What are you doing here, nick?

What, honestly?

If that's possible.

Well, there's no place like home for the holidays,

is there?

And there's no place i'd rather spend some quality time

than right here....

with my favorite niece and nephews.

Why is it i have trouble believing that story?

Who's up for some house hockey?

Me!

Ok, now where did we set it up last time?

Oh, that's right, right around here.

Can i be goalie?

Oh! There's been a major outbreak

of that new reindeer flu.

The emergency room's overrun.

Oh. No, john.

Not tonight of all nights?

Well, that's what i get

for marrying a doctor.

That's what you get for being a doctor,

because they're calling everybody.

What?

That'll be you.

Oh, no.

Why both of us?

It's christmas eve.

What are we supposed to do with the kids?

We can't leave them on their own.

Where's your goalie?

Oh, no.

No.

No.

It'll be fine.

Nick is not a bad guy.

I think he's trying to mend fences.

Give him a chance.

It is christmas.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

"in hopes that saint nicholas

soon would be there."

Don't hold your breath.

Hey, chill out, katy, 'cause some of us

like believing in impossible things.

He believes in you. Isn't that enough?

I was about 5 when i figured it all out.

The whole present- delivery setup thing seemed kind of fishy,

so i did the math.

For santa to get to all the world's children

on christmas eve,

he would have to travel at about 650 miles per second.

I mean...

that's 300,000 times the speed of sound.

Wow.

That's pretty fast for a heavyset dude.

Oh, but that would also explain

why nobody ever sees him.

Because he'd be going so fast,

we'd look like living statues to him.

But you know that's physically impossible, so...

so there is no santa claus?

No. You know, pete, there is a santa claus.

Just ignore everything she says.

She's just trying to show off.

Can you believe teachers give out as

for junk like that?

All right, guys, we're off.

Good night, you.

Mm, sorry.

Good night.

Sorry about this, honey.

Good night.

Yeah. Thank you very much, nick.

No problem.

I'll go get the car. Thanks.

Ok. Ahem.

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds--"

that's not such a bad idea, you know?

Maybe you guys ought to hit the sack early tonight.

Ohh. What?

Oh, dad!

Hey, the sooner you get to bed,

the sooner santa comes.

We're not done with the book yet.

Thank you, uncle nick. Come on, guys.

Hugs, kisses. Let's go, off to bed.

See ya, buddy.

Come on, you guys. Give me a big one.

It's not fair.

Oh, it's not fair.

Ohhh.

And you know what?

I'm gonna hang on to this for you.

But, dad--

you can have it back tomorrow.

Bye, dad.

Good night, sweetheart. Have a good sleep.

Oh!

Have fun at the hospital.

Oh, thank you very much.

Come on, danny. You, too.

What?

Dad, it's not even 9:00.

You gotta be kidding me. Dad, come on.

I wanna stay up with uncle nick and then hang out.

We got stuff to talk about.

We can hang with uncle nick when we're all together.

I would like you up in your room.

You can catch up on some of your reading, please.

Look, i'll go to bed when you want me--

get to your room right now!

Now, you should be totally grounded

for all the stuff you pulled today.

Come on, let's go.

It's...

merry christmas.

Rule with a steady hand, john.

Dad would be proud.

I hate doing that.

Don't worry.

I've got it all under control.

You go do your thing.

I'm proud of you, little bro.

"Insufficient funds on deposit."

Duh!

If i had the money, i wouldn't need the loan.

Oh!

All righty.

Could be a potential investor.

Oh, uncle nicko needs a break.

Harry, on computer: oh, we're getting there.

We're getting him. We're getting him.

The shark has found its prey!

Hello, nick!

You rotten little worm.

Did you forget we have your e-mail address?

And don't think you can cut us off, either, wrigley,

'cause we're tracking you

and we're about to find you right now.

Heh heh! We're nearly there.

Do something. Do something.

We'll find you right now.

Dare i?

I dare.

The wrigley super virus--

invented for just this occasion.

Bye-bye.

That'll scramble their hard drive.

And every other working computer within 50 miles.

Whoa! Albert!

Albert! I can't seem to control this thing!

It's descending much too quickly!

Whoa! Albert, help me!

Help me!

Swanson? No.

Hey.

That was you.

No. I thought it was you.

Or maybe a squirrel?

If he's a squirrel,

he's the size of a saint bernard.

Hold on.

Ah!

Did you see wh--

mm.

Mm.

All right, albert, i'm in.

Good work, santa.

Now you gotta look for their computer.

You see anything around?

I see it, yes. Yes.

Ok, you wanna go over there

and look for something that's flashing or whatever,

and you're gonna put it into the trash can.

Now what?

Just click it and move it over there.

Ok, yes.

Yes.

That's it?

That little thing grounded us?

Sorry. That's it.

I'm telling you, albert,

this fancy technology is more trouble than it's worth.

I know. I know it's just a backup.

Well, next year,

the reindeer are lining up for flu shots

like the rest of us.

Right. Albert!

I've got to get to work now.

I'm hanging up. Good-bye.

Well, i might as well begin here.

Let's see now... the wrigleys.

Ah, yes.

Peter, nice.

Kaitlin, nice.

And dan--

oh, danny.

On the "naughty" list again, danny, huh?

And i bet you've been no help

in steering your nephew in the right direction,

have you, mr. Nick-on-the- naughty-list-for-life?

Whoa!

...what i saw?

Whoa! What? What?

H-h-how'd you get in here?

What--who are you?

Um...

um, don't worry.

It's not what you think.

No. Um, i, uh...

uh--uh, you're just hallucinating.

Yeah. I'm not really here. You're dreaming. Yes.

Look over there.

Yeah.

Ah! Ah!

Gaah!

Danny...

yeah?

Stay away from the egg nog.

Would you stop kicking him?

What if he's still awake?

Stop.

It's him, isn't it?

It's the real him.

No.

No, it's not the real him,

because there's no such thing

as the real him.

Well, then who is him?

Where did he come from?

I don't know, but, uh...

i'm sure that there is a logical explanation for this.

Logical explanation?

Whoaaa!

Aaah! Maybe not!

Whoo! What the--

i gotta lay off the egg nog.

Oh!

Uh...

danny!

Gah!

Did you happen to push a button

on that... ball?

Th-this?

Yes!

I--i think so.

Well, press...

another...

button!

Oh!

Ok.

Wow!

May i see that?

Oh...

this is the real santa claus.

A real... dead santa claus.

Oh, he's not dead.

He's just unconscious.

He'll be ok.

Well, what about christmas?

What about christmas?

Christmas?

It-it's christmas eve.

Yeah?

Well, if this is all real and he's the real santa,

then he's gotta deliver all these presents tonight.

But if he's knocked out too long,

he's not gonna be able to deliver any presents.

I mean, there won't be a christmas.

What are we gonna do?

Calm down, ok?

First of all,

we are gonna do nothing.

Nada. Zippo.

Ok, this whole christmas thing,

that's not our problem.

That's his gig.

I mean, if you wanna tote around

a heavy bag full of presents

for people you don't even know,

well, that's fine with me, but, uh-uh.

Yeah, but it's--

it's what?

Hmm?

What?

Danny?

Ah!

Oh, no.

Ok, uh...

hmm.

Ohh! Oh!

Whoa.

Hoo.

Oh!

Ho! Oh!

Wow!

Oh.

Yeah.

Santa.

Goin' high tech, huh, santa?

Oop.

Whoa! Oh! Ohh!

Uh!

Off.

Wow!

Yeeh!

Oh.

Um...

uh, uh...

wah-hoo!

Hoo!

Oh!

This has possibilities.

Oh.

Oh, uh...

...christmas.

We really should do something.

You know, you make a very good point.

What if we pick up the gauntlet

and selflessly fulfill santa's miraculous mission ourselves?

Really?

Really.

But you were just saying

that you didn't wanna have anything to do with it.

That was then. This is now.

You made me see the light.

And you don't want all the kids in the world

to go presentless, do you?

No, no. But i guess i'm just a little confused.

Santa's got a flight controller on his sleigh

that's not too much different from the one

i got you for your last birthday.

How do you know he has a flight controller

on his sleigh like that?

I saw it. It's up on--

you will not believe--

trust me. You'll see it.

Listen, you're the whiz

at all these computer games,

not me, so you'll be the pilot.

I'll just deliver the presents.

We'll be a team.

We'll be heroes.

We'll save the day!

This is it, man.

This is our first adventure.

This is what we've always talked about.

Are you with me, partner?

Yeah. Yeah!

Wait. What about kaitlin and peter?

We can't just leave them alone.

Well, they're not alone.

He's here.

I mean, unconscious or not,

he's still a bona fide adult, right?

And besides, by the time they wake up in the morning,

we'll have already been back,

woken up the big guy from his little nap,

and collected whatever reward we are sure to get

for saving christmas.

Ha ha! Huh?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoa! Ha ha ha!

Whoo-hoo! Look at me!

Ha ha ha! Whoo!

Whoa! This is like a really cool video game.

Yeah.

Except you got bugs in your teeth.

Whoo! We're smokin'!

Hoo hoo hoo! Oh, baby!

Where are we going?

Well, i thought we'd start on the east side of town--

the gold coast.

You know, those rich kids get so many presents,

i figured, if we dump this stuff first,

we'd lighten our load.

Good thinking.

Ah, well, you know.

Ok, hang a right.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Huh?

Uncle nick.

Uncle nick.

Aah!

It looks like all you have to do

is reach your hand in the bag, pull it out,

and you'll have the right present.

Cool!

Listen, you're delivering a present

to a girl named kathy.

She wanted a real pony for christmas.

She was naughty 13 times this year,

so she gets...

an ant farm.

Aw, that's cold, man.

Yeah.

So once you have the present,

just put it under the tree,

take the bally-wally and zap it.

Gotcha.

Ah.

Gotcha.

No, no, don't get up.

I won't be a minute.

Ooh.

I like.

Ooh.

Gotcha.

Ol!

Now...

ho ho ho!

Spreading the wealth.

Oh, lovely little things.

Spreading the wealth.

♪

ooh. Nice tune.

Let's boogie.

Heh heh!

What--

what's wrong?

Nothing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's you!

Look at that.

I looked up myself on the database.

Cool.

Yeah. "Daniel wrigley. Shakes down his brother.

Spends most of his time scamming."

Egh!

Santa thinks i'm bad.

I can't believe it.

Though that would explain

the greatest disco hits of the seventies cd

i got last year.

Wait a minute.

I like that cd.

You know what the problem with people like santa is?

Trust me, i know a million of these kinda guys--

all high and mighty, the big boss.

But who is kris kringle anyhow, huh?

I mean, how did he get this job?

I don't remember voting for him.

Do you?

Who is he to judge?

Now, i say that it's our turn to call the shots.

We'll decide who gets what for christmas.

Are you with me?

Hmm? Yeah.

You bet your life, yeah.

Who do you think he is?

I don't know.

Ah! Ah!

All right, big guy!

Who are you

and what have you done with my brother and uncle nick?

Mm!

Aagh!

His beard's real, anyway.

Of course it's real.

I'm santa claus.

I think he is.

Oh, please!

First of all, there's no such thing as santa.

And second of all, even if there was,

he wouldn't be caught dead

in any house with danny wrigley in it.

Is that so, kaitlin?

Well, you're not so angelic yourself.

Or perhaps you didn't think i saw you

copy that answer off ricky garibaldi's spelling test

in the third grade.

Ahh.

And you can forget about that brontosaurus

i asked for in second grade.

My parents were right.

The backyard is too small.

Thank you, peter.

Ohh!

Ohh. Ohh.

I haven't felt this bad

since the tainted egg nog outbreak

back in '06.

Yup, it's gone.

Nothing on the roof but the chimney.

Oh, dear.

Where in heaven's name could my sleigh have gone?

It's not all that hard to figure out, santa.

I mean, valuable sleigh, missing big brother--

danny probably copped it.

What?

Lifted it.

Stole it.

He wouldn't steal santa's sleigh.

Then where'd it go, peter? It didn't just disappear.

Yes, it did.

You don't know anything.

Now, children,

i'm sure there's a logical explanation.

Perhaps danny, thinking i was incapacitated,

is simply trying to deliver all the toys--

save christmas.

Danny as santa's helper?

That'll be the day.

Between him and uncle nick, the only thing they've ever--

nick?!

Nick wrigley has my sleigh?

Oh, my.

Oh, my, my, my, my. My!

That'll never do.

I mean, danny,

why, he's a little naughty from time to time,

but nick wrigley is incorrigible!

Oh, my. Oh, dear.

I have to get my sleigh back.

Hello! Albert!

Hello! Can you hear me?

Oh, of course he can't hear me.

This gizmo is hooked up to the sleigh's computer,

and the computer is in the sleigh,

and the sleigh is gone, and--oh!

Oh!

Oh, wait.

The computer.

That's uncle nick's.

What about the computer?

Well, this year,

my sleigh is being run by a computer.

The reindeer are all sick with the flu.

And this computer interfered with my sleigh

and brought it down.

Perhaps we can repeat the process.

Um... do you know how to work this thing?

Oh, yes, i do.

Um, so what am i looking for?

Well, it was a skull-and-crossbones,

and i pushed it into that container there.

You trashed it, santa.

Sorry. It's gone.

Oh, dear.

Ok, let me think.

There's a computer on the sleigh, right?

Right.

And so it probably has a web address, right?

A web address?

You know, like, worldwide web.

Like--like santa.com or...

oh, yes! Yes, exactly.

Santa.com. Yes.

Except that name was already registered.

I'm sclaus2.com.

Many children send me their christmas lists in this new format.

I find it very convenient.

Here's the plan.

Ok. I hack into the computer on the sleigh,

i override the flight-control program,

and i bring that puppy back

like a well-trained homing pigeon.

Ok, let's go.

Go? Where?

To the computer store.

All the computers in our house

are too weak for this job,

but they have the new loumax 2327--

the most powerful desktop in the world.

Wonderful. Let's go.

Um, you know, you can drive, right?

Of course i can.

Where do your parents park their sleigh?

Ok. What are we supposed to do now?

Ok, right up to the light.

Nice and easy. Nice and easy.

Right up to--

you don't have to stop yet.

Keep going, right up to the light.

Right up to the light.

You don't have to stop again.

Come on. Santa...

you're going left! You're going left!

No, no! Turn right. Turn right.

Get your foot off the brake!

You're going too fast!

Uhh. Darrin, darrin, darrin.

What can i tell you, buddy?

You gotta watch that temper,

but this present isn't gonna make you any less angry, so...

♪ i wish me a merry christmas ♪

♪ i wish me a merry christmas ♪

♪ i wish me a merry christmas ♪

♪ and a chippendale sofa ♪

uncle nick. Oh!

Huh. Yow! D!

Uh, how'd you get in here?

Well, i climbed through the window upstairs.

Oh.

Uh, hold on.

Uh, where's darrin's gift?

I got a--i got a better idea.

Uh, well, i haven't delivered it yet.

What have you been doing down here so long, then?

Oh, you mean, down here?

Yeah.

Yeah, bathroom break.

You know, all the taking off and landing,

you know, just...

yeah, well, uh, here.

You have the little bally?

Zap it.

All right. Step aside.

A punching bag?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, see, this kid, darrin,

his school record says that he's, um,

he's been getting into fights,

and i figure he can pound on this thing

instead of other kids,

you know, like, channel his anger

into a healthy exercise.

That is way cool, dan, my man.

Yeah? Yeah.

The way you just look past all the surface junk

and saw this guy's potential. Yeah.

Some kids need a break.

Kids need a little extra attention,

a little extra thought.

Take me.

You know, when i was, i don't know, about your age,

all i ever asked for was one thing.

You know what that was?

Hmm?

A custom-made, jimi hendrix-signed electric 6-string guitar

with an ebony fingerboard from mccusack's musak store.

Ha ha ha.

Wowwww!

The most beautiful rock and roll guitar in the world.

Every year i'd ask for it,

and every year, it wasn't under the tree.

I mean, it wasn't like the folks couldn't afford it.

Your dad got everything he ever wanted.

Chemistry set, telescope, microscope, macroscope.

Anyway, he was nice,

and i was naughty.

I mean, not nasty naughty,

you know, just kind of naturally normal naughty.

Ah.

And you know, if you were around back then,

making the christmas present decisions,

i'd probably be touring with the stones right now.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I was good, man,

but with the right equipment, i could've been great.

Anyway,

ready?

Yeah.

What?

Nothing.

I mean, you're just--

you're looking kind of lumpy.

Well, yeah.

Cookies and milk, cookies and milk, everywhere we go.

No wonder santa has a weight problem.

Come on.

♪ Yeah, 1, 2, get down ♪

♪ christmas time gonna blow your mind ♪

♪ 'cause it's all good ♪

♪ santa claus will look you up ♪

♪ if you've been good ♪

♪ aw, yeah ♪

♪ christmas time gonna blow your mind... ♪

uh...

santa, i don't think that taking a shortcut was such a good idea.

Why not?

Just a hunch.

Nonsense.

Excuse me, boys.

Would you mind moving your vehicle?

I don't think they heard me.

I think they heard you, santa.

Oh, my god.

Kaitlin, what are you doing?

I think this boy wants to talk.

Uh-oh.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

Santa claus and his little elves.

Ha ha ha! Dear, no.

These aren't elves.

Elves are actually shorter creatures with pointy ears,

mischievous and disobedient,

but inherently kind.

You tryin' to play games with me, buddy?

Would you like to play a game?

All right.

What?

Is this some new game

i'm not aware of?

Yeah, it's called the "we're in big trouble" game.

Oh, dear. These are naughty boys.

Yes, they are.

Stop, boys!

Boys, boys.

Get back here!

Santa! No! Get back! No! Don't close the door!

Now, boys.

Boys, boys, boys.

Oh, big man!

Hey, big man, let's see what you got!

Look at that dude.

Now, son, i don't want any trouble.

Sorry, pal, 'cause trouble's what you got.

Now come on.

I didn't want to have to do this, but...

ohh, we are in trouble.

Ha ha ha, you're kidding me, right?

Ha ha ha ha!

Is this guy for real?

All right, come on. Let's see what you got, huh?

Come on, come on, come on!

Like that, huh?

Come on, you gonna take a punch or what?

Come on, come on!

This guy for real?

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Now cut that out.

Now bring it!

Let's go!

This is it.

Kitchy-kitchy coo! Ha ha ha ha!

All right, that ain't funny, you know!

All right, come on!

Come on, you can take him, get him!

Kootchy-ootchy-ootchy!

You give? You give?

I give, i give, i give, i give!

You're one tough tickler, man!

Ho ho ho ho ho.

I swear, you guys tell anybody about this,

and you're gonna deal with me!

And i don't tickle!

You're all right, dog.

Yeah, how'd ya like to join my crew?

Ho. That's very hospitable of you,

but, uh, we've got to get going.

As i said, we have business to conduct.

You shouldn't be driving around here, man.

There's all kinds of creeps running around, you know?

Do you have a better idea?

Ho ho ho ho ho.

Thank you, pablo.

Now you boys check your stockings tomorrow

and see what santa brought you.

Right on, santa.

Ho ho ho ho ho.

Kind of catching. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Wow. Albert would love it.

Come on, santa.

You're late!

Uh, am i? Uh...

lot of good you do me now.

I needed you for the final rush this afternoon,

not at closing time.

Don't think i'm not gonna report this to your union rep.

Well, actually,

i'm more of an independent contractor.

The next time i need a big man with computer experience,

i'll put a pillow under my shirt!

Um, excuse me, sir, but could you show me

where the loumax 2327s are, please?

Well, go on and show her.

Aisle 2.

Oh, heh. Right this way.

Ugh.

Temps.

I got a good idea.

Why don't we go to the homeless shelter?

Pass out some stuff there.

Homeless shelter?

They haven't got anything...

so, yes, we should go there.

Right. I'm with you...

or... or... hey, here's a great idea.

Why don't we just zoom over to the vanderlip mansion

and spread some christmas magic there?

Nah, there won't be any kids there.

Just a whole bunch of grownups

in fancy clothes and jewels,

having a party or something.

Yeah.

They've got more than they need.

Why would we want to give them more?

Well, we wouldn't.

But, you see, that's-- that's my idea, danny.

Listen, they're probably gonna have some kind of major feast, right?

With caviar, roast beef, all the trimmings.

I guess, yeah.

So, this is where we outdo that old fogey claus.

We switch the dinners. Ah ha ha ha!

Yeah, we let the rich folks see

what life is really like for a change

while, at the same time, bring a little christmas cheer

to the downtrodden.

That's a great idea!

Man, you are a great santa.

I try.

These babies are state of the art.

Loumax 2327s...

it's the most powerful home computer ever conceived,

with a 1.2 tetrabyte hard drive

and a 6 gigahertz processor

and 512 megs of ram.

Kaitlin, someone's coming.

Do something!

If they catch us, they'll throw us out.

Hmm.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, what are you all doing over there?

Nothing. I have to go to the bathroom.

So go.

Can you take me?

Hey, i'm not your dad, little kid.

I guess i'll just have to do it over here, then.

No, no. Not there. What are you, nuts?

Come on, i'll show you where it is.

He's created a diversion.

Great.

Ok. That ought to do it.

Now, push the on button and hope.

This is...

ok. Let's wrangle us a sleigh.

Yeah, life is finally cutting us bad boys a break, huh, danny?

We just might come out on top this time--

whoa! Easy, easy. Hot soup.

Ow.

Yeah, let's definitely do this again next year.

Yeah. I'm sure by then,

santa'll be back at the controls.

You never can tell with head injuries.

Yep, you and i might just have to take over this gig

for many years to come, my friend.

There's the mansion.

Oh, yeah.

Ready?

Yeah.

Let's take her in.

Danny, easy. This isn't splash mountain.

But i'm not doing that. What?

I've lost control.

Somebody else is steering the sleigh.

Well, who?!

Oh! That's gotta be them.

Ok, danny.

Let's show you who's in the driver's seat.

Whoa-oh-oh!

Aaah!

Let me have that thing!

No, no, it's not gonna work.

Whoa!

Somebody's hacked into our system.

They're flying our sleigh.

Whoa! Whoo!

What just happened?

Whoever's doing this has got

a much more powerful computer than we do.

Whoa!

What do we do now?

Hold on! Good idea!

Ok, i know.

I'll put in the coordinates for my house.

You'd better hurry.

Ok, here's a stupid idea.

I'm listening.

We could...

cut the power off,

then throw it back on real quick.

That would stop the signal,

but it could also do some damage to the hard drive.

Who cares about the hard drive?

It's our only choice. Let's do it now

because we're right over the mansion. Go.

Aaaaaaah!

Don't you think it's about time we turn it back on?!

I'm trying! I'm trying!

Yes! Ah ha ha ha ha!

You did it! Whoo-hoo!

Ok. We're still dropping, but not as fast.

Ok, easy, now. Easy.

All right. I know. I got it.

Don't worry, don't worry.

Easy!

I got it, i got it. I'm an ace.

Ok. Good. We're safe.

I almost lost my cookies.

Shall we? While the soup's still hot.

I can't believe i lost them.

I had them right in my hands.

You know, i guess it's just possible

that my brother might be smarter

than i give him credit for.

Nah.

That's it.

Your brother has stolen my sleigh.

He's obviously in cahoots with that uncle of yours.

He's on the naughty list for life.

But that's not fair.

You don't know danny, santa.

He wouldn't steal it. There's gotta be a reason.

And i may well put in a call

to my good old friend, the easter bunny.

The only way that young man will get eggs in his basket

is if he lays them himself.

Whoa.

Ohh, exquisite.

Hmm. Ooh.

What do we have here?

Junk.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

A bit early.

Oops!

Ohh, nicky likes.

Boop!

♪ Roop-boop-do-do-be-doo do-do-de-doodly-doo ♪

hmm... hmm... ehh.

Oh. Yes, yes.

Ok.

Still, there's something wrong with the ensemble.

Oh!

Of course. The necklace.

Allow me.

How's it going in there, big d?

Fine.

Ha ha.

Me, too!

It's still hot.

Holy blitzen!

The vanderlip diamond.

Pour moi?

Ooh.

Oh-oh-oh.

Oh, it is a merry christmas.

Excuse me?

Sorry?

Mmwah. Oh!

Heh heh. Mrs. Vanderlip.

Tsk, tsk. Naughty, naughty.

Oh, this really is exquisite.

Uncle nick?

What are you doing?

I was just mingling.

I thought there was something fishy about your lumpy stomach.

There's stuff in there.

Stuff? What stuff?

Uhh!

That stuff.

Oh, this stuff, heh.

Yes, uh...

all right. I'll be honest with you.

See,

i'm collecting items for a charity fund-raiser

to help fight... bad things.

Aaaaaah!

Unh!

Ohh!

You don't have to lie anymore.

I mean, i'm not that dense.

This whole night has all been one big, fat setup.

You scammed me so you could steal stuff.

No. Danny.

Look, just, uh...

it is the giving season, right?

Now, just--just think of it as-- as them

giving to the less-fortunate, hmm?

Oh. Here.

Have a stradivarius.

Go on, take it!

That's it.

We're done.

Ok.

You're right.

I promise, no more.

No, i mean you and me. We're done.

For good.

Come on.

Danny.

Heh heh heh.

It's your uncle nick.

Yo, d-man, where ya goin'?

D!

Whoa, danny!

Danny, danny, danny. Hold on.

Come on. Hey, hey.

Ok, ok. All right. You're right.

I'll level with you, ok?

It's just i've been having a small cash flow problem.

So--so this was just a tide-me-over kind of once-in-a-lifetime thing.

I mean, i really wouldn't make too much out of this.

All right. I'm sorry. Ok?

I'm sorry i didn't tell you,

but, come on! What would you have said?

I would've said, "don't do it."

See? That's my point.

Ok. It's all good now.

Where to now?

Well, i'm going back home,

see if i can really help santa.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, right.

That sounds good.

You're not coming back with me, are you?

No, i, uh, i... no.

No, i don't think it's such a good idea.

Yeah, that's what i thought.

But, hey. We will definitely hook up, ok?

I'll give you a call. We'll hook up.

Ok? Heh heh.

Dan, my man. Heh heh.

All right, pal?

Danny?

What?

Hey, we still have monaco, right?

Now what?

I don't know.

Neither do i.

It looks like christmas is over.

What about you? How will you get home?

That's a good question.

That's going to take some figuring,

thanks to your naughty brother.

But danny isn't naughty.

He's not.

Well, he's doing a pretty good imitation.

Ok, but what if he gave you your sleigh back

and said he was sorry?

Would you still keep him on your bad list

and call the bunny?

Well, maybe not,

but that's not too likely to happen, now, is it?

Aaaaah!

Wha--

i knew you'd come back.

Uhh, hey. Peter?

Danny,

santa's really mad at you.

Yeah, i had a feeling he might be.

Well, what do you have to say for yourself now, danny?

Uh...

merry christmas?

A screwdriver.

Screwdriver.

Soldering iron.

Soldering iron.

Needle-nose pliers.

Needle-nose pliers.

How's it going?

I don't even know if i can fix this one, danny.

You really did it this time.

Crescent wrench.

Crescent wrench.

Santa?

I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry.

But i--i wasn't trying to steal your sleigh.

I hope you believe me.

Frankly, son, i don't know what to believe anymore.

My uncle nick--

he's... he's not really a bad guy...

i guess.

I mean--he's, uh...

he just got a little over his head this time,

and--and then that's the way it is.

He's just, uh...

a scammer?

Yeah.

How does it feel being the one scammed this time?

Not good.

Well, that's the ball game, boys.

There's no way this puppy is going anywhere else anytime soon.

Your hard drive's totally fried.

I take it that's bad?

That's real bad.

And the computer store is closed all day tomorrow.

The earliest i could get you up

is sometime on the 26th.

He'll be ok.

Kids rebound. That's what they do.

In a week he'll forget about the whole thing.

Hey.

I'll send him a present.

Something big.

A big...

expensive...

thing.

Ohhh.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

We're looking for 300 walnut street.

How far?

Let's go. It's gotta be around here somewhere.

Get ready for this, eliot.

Dinner time, boys.

Oh, yeah!

Ho ho, holy smoke, that was close.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh...

300... walnut street?

Hey, santa.

You gettin' in?

I--

all these years,

and i've never missed a christmas delivery until now.

But maybe it's for the best.

Maybe it'd do people good

to know what it's like without santa.

Maybe they'd appreciate christmas more.

Appreciate me a little more.

Yes.

Maybe i'll just take a few years off.

You don't mean that?

Why not?

Everybody else seems to be thinking only of themselves.

Maybe i'll just give up and join them!

Why, maybe i'll take this pasty old carcass off to florida,

let rudolph rub sunblock on my back,

sip an umbrella drink,

listen to a steel band,

and let someone else do the holiday heavy lifting.

You think a tan would make me look thinner?

But there isn't anyone else.

You're santa.

Don't worry, son.

Santa's just a little depressed.

It's been one of those days.

Everything that could go wrong

did go wrong.

300 walnut street, bill!

Bill! Bill! Bill! Stop the car!

Stop the--bill! Bill!

And is still going wrong.

Bill! Bill!

Put on the brakes!

That is the last time i let you drive, bill.

I can't see anything!

I don't care if you can't see anything.

That is the last time i let you drive!

Get out of here! Come on, let's go.

Ok, where is he?

Yeah, where is nick wrigley,

the lying, computer-hacking little thief?!

He's not here.

Don't give us the runaround already!

We know he's here!

Oh, yeah. We tracked him

with a global positioning satellite.

And the gps don't lie.

The gps 1162?

You got it, girl.

Well, he's-- he's still not here.

Ok, who are you people?

Nick is our uncle.

He was here, but now he's gone. Ok?

So--so just move on.

Listen!

We've been driving around all night.

We're very upset.

Bill lost a contact lens.

It's inside my own head.

I have a migraine.

And eliot hasn't hurt anyone in over 5 hours.

Now, we know he's in there.

So either you produce nick wrigley right this second...

or we'll go in and find him,

even if we have to take this house apart nail by nail.

Shingle by shingle!

Limb by limb.

After you, eliot.

Hold on, now. Wait a minute.

I think that the destruction of this fine home

will not solve your problem.

Now, in the spirit of christmas--

get out of the way, old man.

Someone needs a tickle.

Koochie-koochie-koochie koochie-koochie!

Tickie-tickie-tickie tickie-tickie-tick...

eee...

eh...

ahem.

You're in trouble.

Leave them alone.

There he is!

Oh, isn't that charming?

Nick wrigley coming to the neighborhood,

bringing the christmas cheer.

Oh.

Kicks the car door.

Love the santa suit, nick.

Also the little bag of presents. Cute, yeah.

I hope for your sake

there's a present worth 30,000 bucks in your bag.

Oh, i've got things worth a lot more than that.

Ha ha ha ha! The man!

But i can't give them to you.

Why not?

Well, first of all,

you 3 boys have been very naughty.

Secondly, they're...

not mine to give.

Oh, i thought it was all mine for a while,

but, uh...

it's not worth what i'd have to give up to keep it,

so...

all these lovely things have to go back

to the people they belong to.

You better be kidding, wrigley.

No. No, i'm not.

Eliot, he's all yours.

Run, uncle nick!

Don't worry, peter.

This guy won't hurt me.

And why won't i hurt you?

'Cause, frankly, eliot,

deep inside,

you're just a scared, unhappy little man.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah.

And because i have this.

Ooh ha ha!

Ah ha ha! There we go.

Ohh...

uh-oh.

Did i mention "little"?

Uh... uh... uh...

mommy.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Remember, he's makin' a list!

Yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk-yuk.

Come here.

Ha ha ha ha!

Peter!

Good job, nick.

Oh. Here.

Thank you.

Ho ho ho ho ho...

ah, come here.

Very touching, you guys.

But this whole love fest

doesn't exactly solve our problems.

What problems?

The sleigh is broken.

You two jerks blew out the on-board computer.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah.

What about hooking up one of our computers?

Great, but how long an extension cord

do you think you'd need to fly to the north pole?

Would a powerful laptop work?

Maybe.

Oh, no.

No.

Not lappy.

Ho ho ho ho ho!

Thank you, kaitlin.

Ho ho ho ho ho...

and, nick, thank you for lappy.

This has been a very good first step

on your long road to rehabilitation.

Wait. How long do i...

all right.

Anyway, it's about time

you got something for christmas

besides milk and cookies.

And i'll take care of your returns for you.

Unless, of course, you'd care to come along

and do it yourself?

Uh, santa,

i'm sorry about that,

but, uh...

we need uncle nick here.

'Cause, uh, what's christmas

without a family to celebrate it with?

Well, in that case, i'd better be going.

Now, remember,

you gotta keep this under your hats, all right?

Not a word to anyone.

Right?

Ok.

You know, i'm going to have to reconsider

this whole "naughty and nice" tradition.

It's not as black and white as i thought.

And i have you wrigleys to thank for that.

Well, merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas, santa.

Well?

Give us some room!

Ooh. Oh.

Sorry.

Bye, santa!

Bye, santa.

Bye!

Merry christmas, santa.

Have a nice trip!

Thank you, santa!

Merry christmas, santa.

"Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse."

Boy, do i feel silly.

Just a second.

I already got my big present.

Mm.

Uncle nick, it's christmas!

It's time for presents.

Oh, that's right. It's christmas today.

Oh, merry christmas, nick.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas. Merry christmas.

Yeah.

What time is it?

Daddy, this one's for you.

Merry christmas.

Oh, what's that one? Oh, gosh.

For me? Thank you.

I think you got one here.

Ooh! Thank you.

There you go.

Who's this from?

That's for you.

Yeah. This--this-- that's for you.

That's pretty good.

"Merry christmas, mom and dad.

I owe you one present."

That's, uh...

that's lovely.

I--i didn't know what to get you.

Yeah...

i told you what i want.

Merry christmas, danny.

Merry christmas to you.

You open up that one. I think you're gonna like that.

Uncle nick, i found one for you.

For me?

Yeah.

Ok. Great.

Toss it.

Uhh!

Gee, it's too big.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there, pal.

Oh, wow.

It's my guitar.

The one from mccusack's music store.

Oh, look, a card.

You forgot to read it.

"To my favorite naughty boy.

"Sorry for the delay,

"but better late than never.

Love, santa."

Oh.

Play it, uncle nick.

Yeah. Yeah, come on, play it.

Please?

Come on, play it, nick.

Come on.

Please?

No. No, actually i better not.

I'm gonna have to sell this ax

to pay off some of my debts.

Well, you're not gonna sell it today.

So, come on, big rock star,

let's see what you got.

Yeah, come on. The kids have never heard you play.

Come on, everybody, let's go. Come on!

To the sofa.

Everybody on the sofa.

All right.

Come on on the sofa!

Oh! That's great.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Ok, it's, uh...

been a little while since i've--

oh, come on. Rock and roll!

No excuses.

Yeah!

Whoo!

All right!

Oh, what a hot dog. What a hot dog.

Whoo!

Whoo! Yeah!

Go, nick! Go, nick! Go, nick!

Whoo!

'Twas the morning of christmas,

the end of our tale.

Santa brought all the stuff back,

my uncle nick didn't go to jail.

And i've learned the best gift of christmas,

comes at no price.

It's to be with your family,

whether you're naughty or nice.

So that's the end of our story.

Merry christmas, everyone.

♪ I saw santa on the roof of my house ♪

♪ he was having trouble with his sleigh ♪

♪ so i gave him a push ♪

♪ and his sled started flying ♪

♪ and this is what santa said ♪

♪ he said, "hey, little boy, what do you need?" ♪

♪ Santa i want everything, give it to me ♪

♪ he said, "what do you want ♪

♪ under your tree?" ♪

♪ Santa i want everything, give it to me ♪