Original subtitles

Valentine's Day.

Saint Valentine.

Patron saint of bee keepers. . .

epi lepsy. . .

fainting. . . the plague. . .

and of course. . .

love.

Love, love, love, love love, love, love. . .

Maybe l should send her a valentine.

She'd never know.

l ' l l radish you.

lt's funny and witty, Razor sharp.

She' l l love it.

l won't. l wi l l . l won't. l wi l l .

l have.

l ' ve just sent a valentine to my best friend's wife!

Fuck!

Hiya.

Hel lo, Freddie.

Now try not to forget. . .

they' re not suppositories. You take them oral ly.

Okay Thank you.

Darl ing.

Get off, you. . .

l am the bal l 's off icial photographer.

Hey, you' re looking good for a man in a ski rt.

Thank you, sweetie.

Bloody hel l .

- Sorry. No taxis. - Hel lo, darl ing.

Hi , Archie.

- So, shal l we? - Yes.

See you in court.

You' re a genius.

Hey, don't go bolstering that bastard's ego.

So, did you l ike my valentine?

- Oh, yeah. very sexy. - Sexy?

Wel l , of course. lt was from you.

lt's del icious. Have you tried some?

Feed me.

Okay, close your eyes.

Radish?

Your valentine, si l ly.

Oh, sweetheart. l 'm real ly sorry l forgot to post it.

Then who sent this?

l ' l l radish you? What a sad do.

lt was real ly sweet.

So my baby sister's got a secret admi rer.

With a thing about root vegetables.

Darl ing, you' re a beautiful woman,

and someone's got the hots for you.

Sam reckons it's one of my patients.

- Hey, you could have a wi ld affai r. - You haven't seen my patients.

Anyway, you think you' ve got problems?

Yeah, But they' re al l married.

Toby's single.

l never did understand your relationship with Toby.

By the way. . . l persuaded Henry to try some Viagra, plus half an ' E' .

- Fel icity. That's very dangerous. - Certainly is.

l ' ve been walking l ike John Wayne ever since.

You tried it out on Sam yet?

We' re f ine.

Fine. Oh, dear God, it's worse than l thought

lt's great. Real ly.

Very nice.

Al ice, anyone that thinks that screwing is nice

is confusing sex with sewing.

Oh, yes.

l wouldn't kick him out of bed.

Oh, Nice pl inth.

Would you l ike a sample?

- l 'd l ike the whole package. - lt's our new l ine.

' Anonymous. ' A hint of mystery with a dark

promise of forbidden excitement.

Just what you need, darl ing.

Bloody hel l .

How long have you been at this?

lt takes as long as it takes.

Yeah? But then what?

l just wanna see her sai l again. After that. . . who knows.

Maybe l ' l l just sit on the deck, a glass of whisky in hand and. . .

watch the sun go down.

l don't know, mate. You' re a one off. You real ly are.

Your department, l bel ieve.

A few more than l said, l 'm afraid.

Looks l ike Dan's on a fruit and nut diet.

- Sti l l need notes for Monday? - Mmm. Sorry.

Hey, quick drink before you starts?

Are you not going home to your beautiful wife?

She's out on the piss with her beautiful sister.

Oh, go on. What do you say?

Nah, l ' ve got to get on with this, haven't l?

Mysterious, yet sl ightly naughty, for the femme fatale of today.

lt's not me.

A single sniff turns tongue tied boys into f luent cunni l inguists.

- Oh, did Sam l ike your card? - Suppose so.

Bit wei rd, real ly.

He said it was sexy.

Sexy? A picture of Marge Simpson?

Oh, bugger.

- Maybe his other card was sexy. - What other card?

The one he's not tel l ing you about, dummy

He's obviously got a secret admi rer too.

Excuse me, your table's ready.

He would have told me when l showed him mine.

Darl ing, you' re forgetting, he's a man.

You' re a nurse, you should know They' ve got smal ler brains than us.

So they can f it them into thei r penises.

l don't know why you sleep with so many men.

You obviously don't l ike them.

l l ike bits of them.

Not al l married men are l ike your boyfriends know.

Of course they are.

- lt's just a question of opportunity. - lt's a question of trust.

lf someone fancied Sam, he'd tel l me straight away.

He would.

Okay. Prove it.

l got one with nothing on it. Must be from Henry. Si lent type.

Come on. Ten quid says he doesn't tel l you.

Hundred says he does.

Deal .

So, you l iked it then?

Henry.

Oh, it was so sweet. l was just showing to Al ice.

Ooh, sti l l at attention!

Oh can't you see

You belong to me

No, no. No, please.

Please don't post it.

Mum always said you got me into trouble.

What?

Trying to remember the last time l saw you naked.

A l ittle mystery never did any harm.

Hel lo, sexy.

Good morning. The headl ines at eight o'clock.

Footbal ler Dan Harlow begins his refute al legations l ibel action today

Hey, You al l right?

Fine.

- That wi l l be Martin. - That wi l l be Martin.

Yeah?

Hi , Martin.

Oh, look, your case is on the news.

of footbal l 's bright young players.

Dan Harlow is suing a major national newspaper for al leging

- That he had three in a bed - Yeah, l isten, mate, l ' l l cal l you back.

sex romps with a married couple.

Harlow's wife, actress Mi randa conspicuously Campbel l ,

is conspicuously absent today.

Bristol 's up and coming l ibel lawyer,

Sam Holbrook, has taken the case. . .

but with the story backed by numerous photographs, observers here

are questioning the wisdom of bringing this case to court

in the f i rst place.

Gotta run.

Bye, darl ing.

He even kept the lock of hai r.

Good job Henry keeps that dog clean.

- Anyway, at least there's an upside. - What?

l 'm a hundred quid richer.

Repeat after me ' Fel icity was right' .

He just didn't wanna hurt my feel ings.

lt's not l ike he's gonna run off and have an affai r or anything.

Sorry.

- l ' l l prove it. - How?

l don't know. l ' l l text him. Something raunchy. See if he responds.

- He' l l know it's from your phone. - l ' l l buy a new one.

- And if he rings? - He won't ring.

l ' l l talk to him then.

And when he recognises your voice?

l ' l l be al l sexy.

Go on then, let's hear it.

And more to the point, what would you say?

You know Fi lthy things.

Al ice. The nearest you get to f i lthy is gardening.

So what's it gonna be 'Come and play with my begonias'?

Hel lo, Sam.

This is Anonymous.

Would you l ike to prune my bush?

Actual ly, that's not bad.

lnnocent yet knowing, with just a hint of slapper.

Every man's perfect woman.

Do you swap ends at half time?

Who are you playing for next, Danny? Queen's Park Rangers?

Arsenal , more l ike

Shut it, you. Dan ain't no pi l low biter, right?

You know these guys. Just a bit of fun, yeah?

Fun? Any more fun l ike that and we' l l lose the Yorkie contract.

Where the hel l 's Mi randa? The jury needs to see her supporting you.

Fi lming, mate. lt's what she does.

Aye, aye. Blonde eyebrows.

Blonde eyebrows, blonde kebab.

Me and my boyfriend Paul , we' re both bisexual .

Nothing to be ashamed of. Just get double the fun that way.

we get chatting to Dan in the bar. . .

and Paul asks him about being a gay icon.

Wonders if it goes any further than

So Dan says ' Why don't we go and f ind out?'

So Mr Harlow invited you to his hotel?

That's a l ie. Dan ain't no chutney badger!

Fl ic, what underwear have you got on?

Al ice, maybe you should think this through.

Anonymous doesn't think.

She does.

Talk about stamina.

Fi rst me, then Paul . . . then the two of us together.

He couldn't get enough of it.

And who took the photographs?

Them? Wel l , me and Paul .

We l ike to keep a few souveni rs, you know?

Very valuable souveni rs

Hey, it weren't l ike that.

We had a lovely time.

ln the morning, Dan started cal l ing us al l sorts of names. . .

so we thought stuff him.

lf he's gonna be l ike that, then he deserves al l he gets.

Thank you. No more questions, m' Lud.

Mr. Holbrook?

Sam.

No questions, m' Lud.

Haven't seen him for a whi le.

- Martin. - Martin.

- lt might be important. - This is important.

Oh, hi , Martin. What's up, mate?

Yeah. No problem. l ' l l see you then.

You had your chance and you blew it.

Oh, hi .

Breakfast is served.

Unfortunately, l ' ve gotta run.

Archie's asked us round for dinner tonight.

Tonight?

l 'm sorry. Martin wants to go over some paperwork.

But you go, eh?

See you later.

Hel lo.

When you' re ready, mate.

Do l get a discount for these si lences?

Mr. Sharpe.

As Dan Harlow's personal manager. . .

could you tel l the Court your recol lections of the evening of the

1 7th of June last year?

Yeah, wel l , you see, what with Mi randa off working, l knew that

Dan would be on his tod. . .

so invited him round for a bit of nosebag.

You know, spag bol , can of lager, couple of games of snooker.

And then about half ten, he toodled off home.

- Are you sure about the time? - Yes.

See, Buffy was about to start, and l never miss it.

How far is your home from the hotel

where the al leged incident took place?

Hundred mi les, give or take.

So for Mr. Harlow to have been there by eleven. . .?

He would have needed a time machine.

Sorry, just on my way to lunch. Anything?

Didn't text, didn't ring. l was right, you were wrong.

Perfect husband.

Darl ing, l ' ve had dozens of those.

God! Oh my God!

Fl ic! lt's ring!

Hi .

Bastard! What do l do?

l don't know, do l? lt was your stupid idea in the f i rst place.

- lt was your idea. - huh, The phone wasn't my idea.

Maybe he's just ring to say that he's happi ly married.

There's one way to f ind out.

Hel lo.

- Hel lo. - No.

Hel lo?

Hel lo. . . Sam.

What am l wearing?

Cheeky sod!

l 'm not taking my clothes off.

Nothing. l 'm wearing nothing.

l 'm completely, total ly. . .

naked.

And l 'm. . .

Late?

waiting. . .

for you.

Thinking about you.

Naked.

Feel ing. . .

touching. . . myself.

My nipples are. . .

hard.

Wel l , you are very naughty.

Are you? Real ly?

l can feel you.

Close your eyes.

Don't stop. Don't stop. . . Good, good, good!

You al l right, mate? Lunch?

This is fucking war!

Hang on, you obviously enjoyed it.

That's not the point.

l had phone sex with my husband.

He had phone sex with a complete stranger.

l want his testicles on a plate!

Then l think l might use the cheese grater on his knob!

Some men would pay good money for that.

And give him a chi l l i powder enema.

That too.

Then l ' l l cut off his foreskin and feed it to the cat!

Oh, thank you, Al ice. l only come here for the scenery.

Mr. Sharpe.

You' re President of the Rai lway Restoration Society, l bel ieve?

Yeah, Chi ldhood passion of mine, steam trains.

- Choo- choo. - So you probably remember this?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

That's when l was guest of honour. Your Honour.

There's a clock in the photograph. What time does it read?

Ten twenty.

What does that banner above your head say?

Rai lway Restoration Society Dinner,

June. . .

the 1 7th. . . 2004.

Putting your stupid heads together and deciding to l ie under oath.

That's not only perjury, that's conspi racy to pervert

the course of fucking justice!

Al l right. Listen, he didn't do it.

Oh, yeah. Right, and you' re Mother Theresa.

l wasn't there.

Dan, are you holding something back?

You gotta help us out. We' re struggl ing here.

Tel l him.

Okay.

- you know Mi randa, right? - The invisible wife?

Sam, please.

Before the story broke she told me she was pregnant.

and now she's saying she doesn't want to raise a chi ld

with someone l ike me.

She means everything to me, mate.

He loves her.

He has even got 'Mi randa 4 Ever' tattooed on his arse.

- Hip. - Arse.

- Hip. - Arse.

- Cl ife. - That is your Arse.

Cl iff, why don't you go and get us some coffee?

- Thank you. - Arse.

Go on, Danny.

Look, when al l this crap came out,

she went bal l istic.

l tried to say it wasn't me, but with al l the pictures in the papers. . .

Oh, so that's why you went along with Cl iff's story?

So, Dan, what were you doing that night?

Nothing. l was at home alone whi le Mi randa was out f i lming.

what do men look for in a woman?

Del ia Smith in the kitchen and Heidi Fleiss in the bedroom.

l think l 'm a bit too Del ia in the bedroom.

Boring.

why doesn't Sam cal l me and talk di rty?

Because l 'm too ' Al ice'?

Or maybe. . .

Maybe what?

Maybe he did know. Just playing along.

Do you real ly think so?

Yeah.

But two can play at that game, can't they?

' Shag Actual ly'? That's porn.

lt's not porn, darl ing. lt's erotica.

'My Best Friend's Spreading'?

No. l thought you meant sex kitten, not sex monster.

Hey. Maybe l could watch a couple of those movies with you?

l get off at six.

Who with, your right hand?

Oh, yeah.

'Butt Detective'?

That's you sorted for the next few nights.

Bol locks! l 'm supposed to be at Archie's!

Bye.

Hel lo, Martin

Oh God, l ' ve missed you.

Hel lo, love- rat.

lt's al l work and no play with Sam.

- Oooh. - Fuck up.

Careful , that's a hundred quid bottle of wine.

Pinched it from Sam's 'cel lar' .

Here, let me.

One of the more useful things l learnt at col lege.

sorry.

- Sorry. - l 'm sorry.

' A Cock On The Lips Now'?

l thought you l iked romantic comedies.

lt's research.

A new surgery the practice want me to run.

How to maintain a healthy sex l ife in monogamous relationships.

l hate to tel l you this, but l don't think these ref lect real ity too much.

Don't forget l Stay Hard Al l Night.

' l Stay Hard Al l Night' . l told you they don't ref lect real ity.

Oh my God, that's Jenny Clough!

- Who? - Jenny Clough.

Had a thing about Sam at uni .

Christian fundamental ist.

Oh my God! Let's put it on, Let's watch it! Come on!

Oh, what's got into you tonight, hmm?

l think you know.

God. . . it was great, wasn't it?

The whole phone sex thing, hmm?

You had phone sex?

With another woman?

No.

Did l?

But l thought it was you.

Why would it be me?

Who else would it be?

l don't know. Maybe it was your wife.

Katy.

l think l would have recognised my own wife, hmm?

Besides, Al ice could never be that. . .

What?

f i lthy.

Christ.

The blonde?

What?

Such a fantastic painting, Katya.

You can't make me jealous. l 'm immune.

Wives get jealous not lovers.

Get down on your knees!

You can't get much more fundamental than that.

She was always going on about eternal punishment.

Hang on. Wasn't she a vegetarian?

Can blow jobs real ly get you off a speeding ticket?

Always worked for me.

Have you done that?

She's a contortionist.

So is he by the looks of things.

Can't you do that?

You' re funny. That's funny.

Coffee

Archie what turns you on?

l mean general ly. What was it about Beth that real ly got you going?

That she'd have me?

Did she dominate you in the bedroom?

Did she dominate me? She dominated me al l over the house.

l 'm just trying to. . . f ind out what men look for in a woman.

A pulse?

Actual ly, there was one time. . . that Beth phoned me

in the middle of the day, and l was at work. . .

and she told me that she wasn't wearing any knickers.

And that evening we went out for dinner. . .

and you know, knowing that we both knew it.

And l was wearing a pai r of very tight jeans.

And l couldn't walk.

You know what they say about the perfect woman?

A bl ind nymphomaniac hei ress who l ives above a pub.

With big tits, obviously.

What would l do without you?

Fl ic.

l think l ' ve been going about this the wrong way.

Are you l istening? Fl ic?

Darl ing, could we talk about this tomorrow?

Darl ing, l 'm real ly swamped here.

please. Please, no.

You didn't even notice the outf it.

That thing Fl ic gave you?

l thought you said it was itchy?

Sam l 'm afraid.

Come here, si l ly.

l 'm just a bit snowed under Right now, yeah?

So what about that fancy pad you two bought? Where was it?

l 'm getting rid of it.

Are you crazy? Must have loads of pul l ing power.

You would know if you'd ever bothered

to come round and have a look.

You' ve got to romance them.

Flowers. Take them for dinner.

Women l ike surprises.

Oh, shit, fuck, bol locks!

You al l right, mate?

Yeah, l 'm f ine, l 'm f ine. No, l 'm f ine. l 'm f ine.

So, um. . . when was the last time you surprised Al ice?

That's different. We' re married.

You know what they say about married women.

They' re always fantasying about other men.

And what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Doesn't mean anything. l 'm just saying.

Hey. . .

You may have seen her f i rst, but l asked her out. Remember?

- Hi . - Hi , darl ing.

Hi .

- Ooh. What have you done? - Oh, it's nothing. lt's just a. . .

lnside.

Now.

Do you remember when we were students

and we went to that karaoke party?

We both got so drunk we ended up saying

we were gonna go to Japan and cl imb Mount Fuji .

Japan. We were going everywhere that night.

Yeah. Wel l , guess what?

l ' ve been asked to go to Japan.

- Sorry. - lt's okay.

lt's a new law f i rm in Tokyo.

Partner.

We'd real ly miss you.

- No, No, No, No, no. . . - No, l isten, l ' ve been thinking.

He obviously knows Anonymous is me,

just doesn't want to break the spel l .

secret meeting could be exciting.

Exciting?

l 'm going to bl ind fold him.

Al ice, l real ly don't think you' ve thought this through.

Fl ic, l have.

Why can't you be a bit more supportive?

Because l don't want to see you fuck up your marriage.

And, of course, fucking up marriages isn't something

you'd know anything about?

Yeah, wel l . At least none of my men are lying to me.

My rat! How romantic.

Hey. lf l don't get hold of you soon l might have to do some DlY.

You' re l ike dog on heat.

What is it?

That woman again?

Yes.

She sent me a note.

Wants to meet tonight.

Give.

l threw it away.

Expensive perfume.

- Are you going? - Of course not.

What do you take me for?

A cheating love-rat.

Your cheating love-rat.

You' re so cute when you' re scared.

You know what l don't own you.

lt's your l ife.

you want to go, you go.

l 'm not going. Okay?

Hel lo.

Just tel l me where.

l ' l l text you.

Al ice! Come in.

Archie, l need a favour.

big favour.

Sure, whatever. Do you want a drink?

No.

You know that f lat you and Beth bought?

lt's back on the market.

l know. lt's just this friend of mine from. . . work. . .

she needs somewhere to meet this guy.

What, do you mean l ike an affai r?

Kind of.

What's her name?

Anonym. . .

. . . bel la.

Anonabel la?

She's South African We just cal l her Bel la.

Right.

Can she not use your place?

No, No.

Sam wouldn't approve.

Sam doesn't know?

Promise not to tel l him.

What's to tel l? lt's not l ike l ' ve ever met this ' Anonabel la' , is it?

No.

You'd have remembered her. She's very. . . sexy.

l ' ve always thought so.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Are you sure?

Just work.

This is my last favour, l promise.

Al ice, l don't want any more to do with it,okay?

lt's shopping.

l ' l l get my coat.

Thanks, Fl ic. You' re great.

Are you sure you want to do this?

lt's gonna work. l know it is.

Now, there's just one more thing.

Hi there.

Go on.

she wants a Brazi l ian.

Get on your knees.

Get down on your knees.

Bastard.

- Why The bl indfold? - lt's part of the game.

- Don't you want to play? - Of course.

No.

l feel so excited.

Get on your knees.

Touch me.

You looked amazing in court today.

Hel lo?

Anonymous.

You stay away from my man.

With your sleazy letters and your f lashy perfume.

You' re nothing to him.

He's mine.

Okay? Bitch!

Once more and l ' l l fucking ki l l you!

My friend says thank you.

Come in.

Sam's having an affai r.

Sam is?

Are you sure?

She made it perfectly clear.

l don't know what to say, l mean. . .

How could he do that? How could he. . .?

l 'm gonna cal l him right now.

No, please, Archie, don't say anything.

l just need to deal with this in my own way.

- Maybe it's my fault. - Don't say that.

Don't say that, it's not your fault.

What am l gonna do?

l don't want to lose my marriage.

Look, l know this. . .

sometimes men, they can. . .

they can separate sex and, and love. They can.

That's comforting.

He does love you.

Yesterday l would have bel ieved that.

He obviously doesn't f ind me attractive any more.

l mean, God, when l think about it. . .

l mean where has he real ly been al l those times?

nights in chambers, dinners with cl ients.

l feel so. . .

What right has he got?

What's she got that l haven't?

Wel l?

Don't be si l ly. Al ice, don't be si l ly.

You. . .

are gorgeous.

Real ly, real ly gorgeous.

Then why doesn't he want me?

Because he's stupid.

Oh God.

Sorry.

She was al l . . .

tal l and sexy and exotic.

Russian or something.

- God. Don't you just hate that? - And a bit painty.

- Painty? - l don't know.

Maybe she was a decorator or something.

You know the worst thing?

There was Sam. . . on his knees in front of me, and there was this. . .

l can't describe it.

lntense desi re.

He used to feel that way about me.

lt's not there any more, unless he thinks l 'm someone else.

Look. . .

maybe you should think about getting out.

l hate to say this, but if he's having an affai r, men l ike that don't change.

And l kissed Archie.

What?

- Tongues? - Fl ic, lt was everything

Tongues, l ips, hands.

What have l done?

l mean, Archie's the last person in the world l 'd want to hurt.

Doesn't sound very painful to me. Sounds rather scrumptious.

That was the point.

lt was so. . .

Anyway. . .

it wasn't me that kissed him.

lt was Anonymous.

Right.

Morning, Sam.

Al l right, Archie?

Hey, who pissed in your porridge?

Mr. Webb, can l conclude that what you' re saying is that

these pictures have been digital ly enhanced?

Yes, certain minor elements of the picture have been enhanced. . .

A simple yes or no wi l l suff ice.

So according to Mr. Webb here,

we can no longer assume that these pictures. . .

that the defendants claim were taken on the night in question. . .

relate in any way to the events they supposedly portray.

Mr. Webb.

Could you outl ine for us exactly

where you have identif ied digital enhancement?

Wel l , a couple of them have been f l ipped to improve the composition.

The most noticeable change is. . .

here. Just at the edge.

The bedside lamp has been removed.

The most signif icant change, you say?

And have you been able to identify

any alterations to the persons in the photographs?

No. Not real ly.

in fact.

None. Thank you, Mr. Webb.

Great, l 'm being hung out to dry here and l 'm getting nothing from you.

Sam, don't start on me, okay?

Look, let's face it, we' re stuffed al ready.

So unless you can come up with something very quickly,

l 'm putting Dan on the stand.

And where's that gonna get us?

Sympathy. lt's damage l imitation time for me.

l ' ve got it!

l 'm gonna win him back.

What?

No, don't you see? When Sam f inds out l 'm Anonymous. . .

he's gonna have a wife and a mistress in one.

He's never gonna wanna stray again.

Sorry, Dan.

You' re stuffed.

Wait a minute.

Hip, arse, hip, arse. . .

What do you want?

l have to see you.

l ' l l text you.

Come on. Come on.

There must be. There must be.

Yes. Yes!

Al ice. Hi .

About last night.

l 'm sorry.

l was, you know, l should never have. . .

with you being so upset about. . .

You don't have to apologise.

l knew you were just trying to make me feel . . .

Yeah, l know, but l was completely out of order and l 'm. . .

so sorry.

Me, too.

Archie, l couldn't borrow that key again, could l?

For my friend.

Al ice, you don't have to l ie to me.

Sauce for the goose, right?

l didn't say that.

But you' re sti l l gonna sneak off for some pathetic l ittle fuck. . .

with some fuck knows who in dear old Archie's fucking apartment!

Look, look. . .

if Sam real ly loves you and you real ly love him. . .

then stop pissing about and be with him! stay with him!

But, if you don't, then just. . .

Archie, please.

No.

No. . .

l ' ve had enough.

For you. . .

sex bomb.

Love-rat.

How sweet.

Bastard. Fucking bastard!

Low-l ife fucking bag of shit!

- What have l done? - What have you done?

You saw her. You saw Anonymous.

Katya, darl ing, l wouldn't even. . .

You l iar. l fol lowed you.

l saw you go in and ten minutes later l saw her come out.

- you saw her? - Yes.

What did she look l ike?

What did she look l ike?

You nasty l ittle rodent.

Hey, come on. What could l have done in ten minutes?

Fuck her ten times!

Go away.

Fuck off

Go and don't come

- You don't mean that. - l mean it!

Katy. Sweetheart.

l 'd be lost without you.

And whose bum am l gonna bite if not yours?

The truth, right?

Yeah, l did see her, but for ten minutes. And you know why?

Why?

Because that's how long. . .

it took to tel l her. . .

exactly what l thought about being stalked.

Stalked?

Oh, yeah.

She's a friggin' looney.

Are you lying to me?

You know what l wish?

l wish it could be just the two of us.

No Al ice, no stalker,

just you and me.

Don't you think l don't want that too, huh?

Listen. This case wi l l be over soon. And when it is. . .

big surprise coming your way.

Promise.

Al l rise.

M' Lud, may l approach the bench?

Your Honour, l must deeply apologise,

but it seems neither my cl ient. . . nor my sol icitor have yet arrived.

And with your permission, may l request a brief adjournment. . .

as l attempt to locate thei r whereabouts?

Sam. Sam.

l 'm putting Dan on the stand.

no, no, you don't understand. Sam, this isn't Dan.

As you can see, Your Honour, they have arrived.

Now may l request your permission to cal l Daniel Harlow to the stand?

Sorry l 'm late.

Wel l , bugger me backwards!

Don't be stupid, it weren't Danny in he photographs,

it was a bloody look a l ike, weren't it?

You bastard! Sorry, Dan, sorry.

You bastard! You' ve cost me money, you have.

Wel l , you could have come forward sooner.

l know, l know, man, but you know don't want the wife

f inding out now, did l? Do you know what l mean?

But as soon as your man came forward and told me about your bi rd. . .

f igured l 'd better come clean.

So how did you do it?

The photograph had been f l ipped, right?

So actual ly it was his left hip that was showing.

Left hip, but no tattoo.

Archie, you' re good.

Don't give me that. You were gonna put him on the stand,

and we made him a promise.

l didn't.

Bol locks. Listen, Archie, l ' ve got a lunch.

Actual ly, l need you to go over some of my notes with me, please.

l win the case, you do the paperwork, huh?

Besides, my head's somewhere else right now.

Yeah, up your arse.

Oh, Sam

Who are. . . ?

Remember this.

l never thought letting go completely could be so amazing.

l ' l l do anything for you.

Anything at al l .

Take off your bl indfold.

No, wait.

l want this feel ing to last.

l want you to see who l am.

No, l isten.

l ' ve never set eyes on you but l know. . .

l 'm in love with you.

l mean, God, l ' ve said that a mi l l ion times before but. . .

suddenly l real ise l ' ve never real ly meant it.

lt's never been l ike this.

Not with Katya. She's just sex.

And Al ice. . .

Yes?

Al ice. . .

is nothing compared to you.

Hel lo?

Bol locks!

Couldn't stay away?

Put it on.

Love-rat.

- Fuck! - Come on, love-rat.

Take me.

Yes?

No, it's wrong number.

No, it's not Sam's. . . Phone.

Sam, what's going on?

l 'm gonna ki l l that slut!

l 'm going to nai l your scrotum to the cei l ing!

Open the door!

Cleaning lady. Come here. Open the door.

What? Stop staring at me. Open the fucking door!

Oh, come on!

Anonymous.

We award the plaintiff the sum of one mi l l ion pounds.

Yes! Go Lazio!

Order!

Order!

- Mr. Sharpe. - Yes.

This case may be over, but there is another matter outstanding.

Arrest this man for perjury.

- Oh, fuck off! - And contempt.

What? Bol locks!

And resisting arrest.

See you in court!

l ' l l be making a statement in a moment.

l did it, Archie. l did it.

Yeah, that's right, you did it, you won.

Yes. This is the most perfect day of my l ife.

And that is the perfect woman.

Sam. . .

you married the perfect woman.

Footbal ler Dan Harlow has had a great result in court today.

His barrister, Sam Holbrook, looks in the set to become

a major player in the Premier League.

These monstrous l ies

could have wrecked a talented young man's marriage.

Lies are the cancer in our society.

And it is our job. . . no, our duty. . .

to expose them in every walk of l ife.

The Holbrook Home for Compulsive Liars.

Thank you.

No, double glazing isn't a big priority for me right now.

Al ice?

Al ice?

You okay?

lt's me.

Al ice?

Katya.

Where. . .? What are you doing here?

Did you do this?

Where's Al ice?

Where. . . is Al ice?

Have you lost your mind?

l 'm tel l ing her about us.

And Anonymous.

Darl ing.

What did you cal l her?

Katya. . . my wife, Al ice.

Al ice, Katya. Junior clerk.

Hel lo.

l 'm not a junior clerk.

And she's not your wife. She is Anonymous.

l want to see Al ice.

You' ve just been introduced.

She's Anonymous, l saw her.

Now you' re just being ridiculous.

Darl ing?

Remember this?

Darl ing?

Sorry.

Real ly l am.

l had no idea.

lt was al l so. . .

Exciting.

Dangerous.

Di rty.

Sexy.

Yeah.

lt was.

- you were. . . - l was cheated on.

You couldn't give a shit, could you?

lt doesn't matter who you shag.

You even cheated on your mistress.

What kind of bastard does that make you, Sam?

But. . .

now we' ve found each other again.

You don't get it at al l , do you?

l found you ages ago.

You only found me when you were cheating on me.

What does that make me?

l fought to stay with you, Sam, because l loved you.

You cured me of that.

You don't know where l can f ind a good lawyer, do you?

l ' ve gone off married men.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Archie, you' re such a fool .

Hel lo.

Hel lo?

Al ice.

Hel lo, Al ice.

Hel lo.

Right, okay.

l knew that Bel la wasn't real ly. . .

l mean, l knew that you were having. . . an affai r with your. . .

Oh, for God's sake, Archie, get a grip.

The newspaper.

Er. . .

Um?

No, l isten.

l never real ised what you. . .

l mean, . . . l thought you. . .

- here was me thinking. . . - Archie. . .

No, you see, l know Bel la wasn't real ly a person.

And l , l just assumed. . . it was only natural real ly, and l was just so. . .

l thought you had someone else.

l didn't think for a minute that you were. . . wel l . . .

with Sam. l mean, l know you were with Sam, but not. . .

with Sam.

l couldn't stand the fact that you hadn't chosen me for your affai r.

Archie. . . l don't do affai rs.

And even if l did, l wouldn't choose you.

You' re my friend.

Yeah, of course.

And l wouldn't wanna spoi l that.

No, me neither.

Are you okay?

Great.

Dear Al ice

l would' ve come round to say goodbye. . .

but l ' ve been busy getting the boat f inished.

And to be absolutely honest, l ' ve been avoiding you.

Because once l knew you'd never feel the same way about me

as l do about you. . .

the decision was easy.

l don't think l can face the thought of bumping into you any more.

And l think it's time l had a real adventure.

l ' ve tried real ly hard, Al ice, bel ieve me. . .

but l just can't seem to get you out of my heart.

Love always. Archie.

PS. . . glad you l iked the radishes.

Anything interesting?

And you' re sti l l here because. . .?

Archie!

Archie!

Archie!

You can't run off l ike this.

You al l right there?

Where's the man who owns the boat?

Used to own her. He sold her to me.

Sold it? Why?

Flying's quicker, l guess.

Where's he gone?

Wel l , Japan. He took a job there.

He helped me cast off. Next time l turned around he was gone.

Afraid of missing his train, l suppose.

The train on platform three is the 1 9. 24 service to London Paddington.

Shit!

Please, l real ly have to. . .

Get a ticket. Over there.

Excuse me?

l 'm sorry, love, you' l l have to join the queue l ike everyone else.

Could you just let me in?

We' ve al l been waiting.

- Please, l ' ve real ly. . . - Ticket!

You are such a shit! Not you.

Peter, did that last announcement come out?

Yes, sounded f ine.

Where's J i l l? l 'm leaving at half past.

Oh, d' you not hear? She's cal led in sick.

No! l ' ve been stuck in this booth for bloody hours!

And l 'm the replacement.

You can't go in there!

She's locked the bloody door!

Wel l unlock it! l can't, she's got the key.

Get out in there.

- Archie. No! - Miss, open The door.

No!

Archie. Archie!

Archie Gray. Please don't go.

l grew the radishes!

- Hey, Come out Of there. - Shut up, wi l l you?

Just shut up!

Please don't go.

Thank you. Thank you.

l got your letter,

l 'm not letting you go to Tokyo.

Listen to me.

Bol locks!

Archie? Testing!

This is a security announcement.

Al l unattended items of baggage wi l l be removed and destroyed. . .

by the security services.

- Do you want a hand with that? - Thank you very much.

Archie, this is Al ice.

The leaves on platform are the snowy. . . snowy conditions

due to an industrial dispute.

Please ensure you keep your personal belongings

Exeter Saint David's and Didcott Parkway.

The train at platform 7, 9 and 1 0 wi l l be removed and destroyed by. . .

' Archie, you bloody idiog. '

'Vet off the ducking grain. '

'Vet off the ducking grain. '

No!

hey. Come back here!

- Archie! - Stop that woman!

Archie? No!

Archie.

Archie. Archie. . .

- Al ice? - l love you.

- Al ice? - l love you.

l love you!

Could everybody l isten, please?

Everyone here's been in love at least once, right?

l love you!

Does this mean l 'm in with a chance then?

Ooh, take me home and radish me!