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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,141 --> 00:00:02,392 - Previously on Mom... - You slept with Adam? 2 00:00:02,417 --> 00:00:04,284 We only did it, like... 3 00:00:04,429 --> 00:00:06,031 20 times. 4 00:00:06,086 --> 00:00:08,419 You never told me you slept with this monkey. 5 00:00:08,505 --> 00:00:09,971 You porked my wife?! 6 00:00:10,056 --> 00:00:12,423 - I wouldn't use that word. - I would. 7 00:00:12,509 --> 00:00:14,642 - You grabbed her ass? - With both hands. 8 00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:17,264 You did "bad hand" on my woman? 9 00:00:17,944 --> 00:00:20,085 I have a drinking problem. 10 00:00:20,493 --> 00:00:21,826 Come here, brother. 11 00:00:21,851 --> 00:00:23,234 Oh, thanks. 12 00:00:23,269 --> 00:00:25,351 Man, you know, I-I was just kidding. 13 00:00:25,376 --> 00:00:27,309 (grunts) 14 00:00:30,109 --> 00:00:33,211 You've been reading Cosmopolitan again, haven't you? 15 00:00:33,476 --> 00:00:35,906 Don't know why every man doesn't. 16 00:00:36,493 --> 00:00:38,927 - I love you. - I love you, too. 17 00:00:38,952 --> 00:00:41,109 My friend Mitch is coming to town. 18 00:00:42,546 --> 00:00:44,539 - What? - I said I love you. 19 00:00:44,867 --> 00:00:47,334 Drunk Hollywood douchebag Mitch? 20 00:00:47,359 --> 00:00:49,927 I know the last time he was here things got a little bumpy... 21 00:00:49,952 --> 00:00:52,617 A little bumpy? He hit on me and my daughter. 22 00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:55,276 He peed in three places that weren't the bathroom. 23 00:00:55,301 --> 00:00:57,552 One of them was our good salad bowl. 24 00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,103 But he's not the same guy anymore. 25 00:00:59,139 --> 00:01:00,605 He sobered up, he divorced Leanne, 26 00:01:00,630 --> 00:01:02,200 he's on a whole different path, 27 00:01:02,225 --> 00:01:04,108 and he just wants some bro time. 28 00:01:04,204 --> 00:01:06,037 If you ever want to have sex with me again, 29 00:01:06,062 --> 00:01:07,195 don't say "bro time." 30 00:01:08,394 --> 00:01:11,593 Fine. You see him. Just keep him away from me. 31 00:01:12,312 --> 00:01:13,962 - Actually... - (groans) 32 00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:16,968 He just wants to apologize to you and Christy. 33 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,301 You son of a bitch. 34 00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:22,543 - What? - You waited to tell me this 35 00:01:22,629 --> 00:01:24,629 till after I had a decent orgasm. 36 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,529 Decent? You practically levitated. 37 00:01:28,554 --> 00:01:31,335 Fine, it was a cascading series of body tremors. 38 00:01:31,481 --> 00:01:35,066 Just like the article promised! So, what do you say? 39 00:01:35,091 --> 00:01:38,426 Oh, no, this is way too big a favor for just one go-around. 40 00:01:38,451 --> 00:01:39,701 (laughs) 41 00:01:40,163 --> 00:01:42,490 - You're kidding, right? - Nope. 42 00:01:42,944 --> 00:01:44,994 Seriously, why am I still looking at your face? 43 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:03,243 Subtitle sync and corrections by ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com. 44 00:02:04,850 --> 00:02:07,529 I can't believe you're letting that animal back into our lives. 45 00:02:07,554 --> 00:02:09,604 Well, at least it's only one animal this time. 46 00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:10,922 Leanne's out of the picture. 47 00:02:10,990 --> 00:02:12,924 I'm still kind of shocked they got divorced. 48 00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:15,003 Really? I'm shocked that marriage didn't end 49 00:02:15,028 --> 00:02:16,561 in a murder-suicide. 50 00:02:16,706 --> 00:02:18,623 Yeah, but they're kind of made for each other. 51 00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:21,616 Like water parks and diarrhea. 52 00:02:21,761 --> 00:02:23,628 - (door opens) - ADAM: Hey, we're here. 53 00:02:23,653 --> 00:02:24,857 Ugh, I can't do this. 54 00:02:24,882 --> 00:02:26,548 I promised Adam five minutes, 55 00:02:26,573 --> 00:02:28,072 and then we can head to the meeting. 56 00:02:28,097 --> 00:02:30,163 I got to stop wearing stuff with handles. 57 00:02:32,106 --> 00:02:34,022 Bonnie, Christy. 58 00:02:34,047 --> 00:02:35,963 (chuckles): You remember Mitch. 59 00:02:36,049 --> 00:02:37,165 BOTH: Hey. 60 00:02:37,835 --> 00:02:39,834 Hey. Thank you for seeing me. 61 00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:41,169 - Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh. 62 00:02:41,254 --> 00:02:43,137 You might want to take that as a win and leave. 63 00:02:43,223 --> 00:02:46,140 No. No, I got to do this. 64 00:02:47,905 --> 00:02:49,988 Christy, Bonnie... 65 00:02:50,013 --> 00:02:52,271 I owe you both an amends 66 00:02:52,296 --> 00:02:54,254 for the wreckage I caused on my last visit. 67 00:02:55,554 --> 00:02:57,996 I hope that you can give me another chance. 68 00:02:58,021 --> 00:02:59,570 (voice breaking): But if you can't... 69 00:02:59,996 --> 00:03:02,129 I totally understand. 70 00:03:03,287 --> 00:03:06,421 I cry so easily these days. 71 00:03:09,030 --> 00:03:10,175 What do you think? 72 00:03:10,874 --> 00:03:13,624 I think making an amends like that is really painful. 73 00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:16,454 Keep going. 74 00:03:16,599 --> 00:03:18,850 I didn't understand... 75 00:03:18,935 --> 00:03:20,935 what an ass I was. 76 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,628 Ooh, I like that. Delve into that. 77 00:03:23,773 --> 00:03:26,941 I actually thought my behavior was charming. 78 00:03:27,351 --> 00:03:29,765 That's alcoholic thinking for you. 79 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,603 Anyway, all I can do now 80 00:03:32,889 --> 00:03:35,593 is try to repair the damage. 81 00:03:37,202 --> 00:03:38,953 Damn it, that was really good. 82 00:03:39,704 --> 00:03:41,295 Hold on. 83 00:03:43,816 --> 00:03:45,967 Oh, crap. Real tears. 84 00:03:48,132 --> 00:03:49,214 BOTH: Forgiven. 85 00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:52,804 ADAM: So, are we all Kumbaya here? 86 00:03:53,671 --> 00:03:55,493 'Cause I'm gonna show Mitch the bar 87 00:03:55,518 --> 00:03:57,138 while you two go to your meeting. 88 00:03:57,163 --> 00:03:59,130 Actually, buddy, I'm-I'm feeling a little fragile. 89 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,405 I could really use a meeting right now. 90 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:06,053 - Do you mind if I tag along? - Well? 91 00:04:06,632 --> 00:04:08,673 We're not really allowed to say no. 92 00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:11,342 Stupid program. 93 00:04:12,343 --> 00:04:13,288 Come on. 94 00:04:13,313 --> 00:04:16,848 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you just got here. 95 00:04:16,993 --> 00:04:18,743 What happened to bro time? 96 00:04:18,768 --> 00:04:21,226 Hey, what'd I say about that? 97 00:04:22,165 --> 00:04:24,749 So, I'm directing this movie in Dubrovnik, 98 00:04:24,774 --> 00:04:27,108 and everybody's looking at me to steer the ship 99 00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,046 'cause, you know, I'm the director. 100 00:04:31,241 --> 00:04:34,292 And all I can think is, "I'm a fraud." 101 00:04:35,428 --> 00:04:37,595 "I'm a drunk. I'm a liar." 102 00:04:38,499 --> 00:04:39,587 You're safe here. 103 00:04:40,539 --> 00:04:42,077 I feel that. 104 00:04:43,187 --> 00:04:45,376 So, I start saying the prayer 105 00:04:45,401 --> 00:04:49,107 in my head, and... I'll be darned 106 00:04:49,132 --> 00:04:52,266 if God didn't grant me the serenity to call "action" 107 00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:54,946 and send the Harley off the cliff, 108 00:04:54,971 --> 00:04:57,021 through the helicopter door, out the other side, 109 00:04:57,056 --> 00:04:58,639 where it hit a second helicopter, 110 00:04:58,664 --> 00:05:01,953 exploded, ball of fire, dead bad guy, 111 00:05:01,978 --> 00:05:04,812 that's a wrap and a Golden Globe nomination. 112 00:05:05,413 --> 00:05:06,374 Golden Globe? 113 00:05:06,399 --> 00:05:10,044 Well, if you believe the buzz. Anyway, 114 00:05:10,069 --> 00:05:13,037 I'm just another drunk trying to get through the day. 115 00:05:13,358 --> 00:05:16,684 Well, a drunk who's a Hollywood director. 116 00:05:17,748 --> 00:05:21,194 Wow, lunch goes faster when someone else does the talking. 117 00:05:23,583 --> 00:05:26,724 I don't know how you handle the pressure of making a movie. 118 00:05:26,749 --> 00:05:28,980 I can barely deal with work and school. 119 00:05:29,005 --> 00:05:32,056 If they ever stopped making Red Bull, I'd be screwed. 120 00:05:32,152 --> 00:05:35,320 I actually won three Red Bull Stunt Awards. 121 00:05:35,345 --> 00:05:37,895 But have you ever considered meditating? 122 00:05:39,374 --> 00:05:40,074 I tried, 123 00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:43,437 but apparently my ind craves anxiety. 124 00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:45,163 Well, it changed my life. 125 00:05:45,188 --> 00:05:46,508 It made me a much better director. 126 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,416 That's four. 127 00:05:49,585 --> 00:05:52,076 Ladies, I just... I want to thank you 128 00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:53,721 for letting me into the red tent. 129 00:05:53,746 --> 00:05:58,199 I-I've just been so raw since Leanne and I split up. 130 00:05:58,546 --> 00:06:00,261 Yeah, now, what happened there? 131 00:06:01,077 --> 00:06:04,812 Well, I got sober, and she couldn't do it. 132 00:06:04,837 --> 00:06:07,555 I love her, but I had to let her go. 133 00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:12,335 Yeah, the road gets narrower, but our life gets better. 134 00:06:14,257 --> 00:06:16,046 Thank you for that. 135 00:06:17,186 --> 00:06:18,999 We're all here for you. 136 00:06:22,558 --> 00:06:23,558 Oh. No, no, 137 00:06:23,583 --> 00:06:27,088 no, ladies, this one is on me. 138 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:29,624 Finally. I've been waiting for four years 139 00:06:29,649 --> 00:06:31,065 for somebody else to pick up... 140 00:06:31,647 --> 00:06:33,784 Hold the phone, is that a black card? 141 00:06:33,831 --> 00:06:35,797 - This? Oh, yeah. - BONNIE: Is it true 142 00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:37,099 you can buy a Ferrari with that? 143 00:06:37,123 --> 00:06:39,040 It's almost rude if you don't. 144 00:06:43,139 --> 00:06:45,306 - Whoa. - Right? 145 00:06:45,483 --> 00:06:47,131 You should shoot a movie here. 146 00:06:47,166 --> 00:06:49,749 I could be in it. You know, I sing. 147 00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:54,247 I'm panning, and I'm loving. 148 00:06:54,272 --> 00:06:57,008 I'm panning, and I'm loving. 149 00:06:57,033 --> 00:06:58,082 Ooh. 150 00:06:58,522 --> 00:07:00,845 Recast that guy. 151 00:07:01,006 --> 00:07:03,341 - Come on, you like? - It's fantastic. 152 00:07:03,366 --> 00:07:06,444 Where was this place when my blood type was bourbon? 153 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,208 I know. I would've been totally sleeping with the bartender. 154 00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:10,615 Oh, wait, I am. 155 00:07:12,726 --> 00:07:14,358 So, how's business been? 156 00:07:14,741 --> 00:07:16,471 Let's just say that there are three people in here, 157 00:07:16,496 --> 00:07:18,412 - and I'm excited. - I don't get it. 158 00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:20,141 This place should be crushing it. 159 00:07:20,530 --> 00:07:22,757 It's got charm, character, 160 00:07:22,782 --> 00:07:25,507 an owner you feel a little bit sorry for. 161 00:07:27,187 --> 00:07:30,247 I know. I keep telling him, work the chair. 162 00:07:30,272 --> 00:07:31,352 You guys done? 163 00:07:31,377 --> 00:07:35,179 Never. Honestly, man, I love it. I love it. It's great. 164 00:07:35,214 --> 00:07:37,341 Thanks. As soon as we start turning a profit, 165 00:07:37,366 --> 00:07:38,526 I got big plans. 166 00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:40,029 I want to hear them, but right now I got 167 00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:41,769 about a gallon of iced tea in me. 168 00:07:41,905 --> 00:07:43,865 Right that way. It's the door that says "hombres." 169 00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:46,640 - Cool. - Still not sure I should've done that. 170 00:07:49,022 --> 00:07:50,861 So, you two seem to be getting along. 171 00:07:50,897 --> 00:07:53,614 Well, yeah, he's sober now, he kept his hands to himself, 172 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:55,866 and he paid for lunch with a black card. 173 00:07:56,703 --> 00:07:58,187 A black card. 174 00:07:59,515 --> 00:08:01,322 He does love waving that thing around. 175 00:08:01,406 --> 00:08:02,717 Well, maybe he could wave it at us 176 00:08:02,742 --> 00:08:04,075 and make our problems disappear. 177 00:08:04,221 --> 00:08:05,720 Seriously, if we want 178 00:08:05,745 --> 00:08:06,972 to take this bar to the next level, 179 00:08:06,996 --> 00:08:08,162 we need an investor. 180 00:08:08,247 --> 00:08:09,630 I don't know. Friends and business? 181 00:08:09,716 --> 00:08:11,882 That's as bad as having "hombres" on the door. 182 00:08:11,918 --> 00:08:14,468 Oh, come on. He lives in L.A., so we'd never hear from him. 183 00:08:14,493 --> 00:08:15,897 He'd just send us money. 184 00:08:15,922 --> 00:08:18,172 It's the exact opposite of having a child. 185 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:19,817 MITCH: Hey. 186 00:08:19,842 --> 00:08:22,676 You ever think of putting TVs above the urinals? 187 00:08:22,762 --> 00:08:25,872 I have a buddy who produces 60-second TED Talks. 188 00:08:25,897 --> 00:08:27,622 Perfect for the average whiz. 189 00:08:27,647 --> 00:08:31,018 You go in with a full bladder, you leave with a full mind. 190 00:08:31,749 --> 00:08:34,381 Look at that, Mitch has ideas for the bar. 191 00:08:34,406 --> 00:08:37,040 If only we had money to implement them. 192 00:08:37,085 --> 00:08:39,437 - Bonnie. - Are you looking for investors? 193 00:08:39,462 --> 00:08:41,421 I would never put you in that position, buddy. 194 00:08:41,446 --> 00:08:43,196 What if I want to be in that position? 195 00:08:43,221 --> 00:08:44,771 Yeah, what if he wants to? 196 00:08:46,168 --> 00:08:47,733 Are you sure about this, Mitch? 197 00:08:47,758 --> 00:08:49,925 100%. It's part of the program. 198 00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:52,084 The program says that you should invest in a bar? 199 00:08:52,109 --> 00:08:53,825 No, it says be of service, 200 00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,850 help others, get out of self. 201 00:08:56,096 --> 00:08:58,680 I'm your best friend, man. 202 00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:01,108 Let me take this ride with you. 203 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,226 Damn it, Mitch. Thank you. 204 00:09:05,251 --> 00:09:08,168 Well, I'm gonna let you two have some bro time. 205 00:09:08,193 --> 00:09:10,147 That's right. That's back in. 206 00:09:10,882 --> 00:09:13,526 I'm gonna go work on my mini TED talk. 207 00:09:13,551 --> 00:09:15,663 Topic: people who dress up in spandex to ride their bike. 208 00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,071 Why can't I run them over? 209 00:09:18,594 --> 00:09:20,233 This is incredible! 210 00:09:20,258 --> 00:09:21,986 We're actually getting to work together again. 211 00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:23,760 - The boys are back! - Yeah! 212 00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,390 You cool if I have a beer to celebrate? 213 00:09:25,415 --> 00:09:27,615 - I would be pissed if you didn't. - I got to hand it to you, 214 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,391 you figuring out a way to get Bonnie to not be mad at you... 215 00:09:30,416 --> 00:09:32,335 You do a TED Talk on that, let me know. 216 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,894 It's the magic of being on the same path. 217 00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:36,301 (grunts) 218 00:09:36,517 --> 00:09:37,816 You're smoking weed? 219 00:09:37,841 --> 00:09:39,174 I thought you were sober. 220 00:09:39,199 --> 00:09:40,452 I am. 221 00:09:43,308 --> 00:09:45,265 California sober. 222 00:09:46,284 --> 00:09:47,500 That's a thing? 223 00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:48,991 It's totally a thing. 224 00:09:49,016 --> 00:09:50,647 I d... I don't... I don't drink at all. 225 00:09:50,672 --> 00:09:52,555 But how can you be sober if you're smoking? 226 00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:55,364 So, uh, 20 grand enough to get things rolling? 227 00:09:55,389 --> 00:09:56,772 Let me get you an ashtray. 228 00:10:01,288 --> 00:10:03,204 CHRISTY: All right. Here we go. 229 00:10:03,229 --> 00:10:04,978 Quiet the mind. 230 00:10:05,003 --> 00:10:06,586 Yepper-Dee-doo. 231 00:10:06,611 --> 00:10:07,693 Why did I say that? 232 00:10:07,718 --> 00:10:09,468 That's not a quiet mind. 233 00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:12,452 (sighs) Okay, here we go. 234 00:10:13,305 --> 00:10:16,499 Ooh, can't forget that eye appointment on Thursday. 235 00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:19,152 (groans) Stop it. 236 00:10:21,646 --> 00:10:24,147 ♪ I come from a land down under. ♪ 237 00:10:24,172 --> 00:10:26,806 Where the hell did that come from? 238 00:10:26,831 --> 00:10:28,997 My knees hurt when I sit like this. 239 00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:30,772 That's probably cancer. 240 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,547 Can you get knee cancer? 241 00:10:32,572 --> 00:10:34,072 MAN: Christy Plunkett, 242 00:10:34,097 --> 00:10:36,264 you are terrible at this. 243 00:10:36,438 --> 00:10:38,772 CHRISTY: That was my seventh grade science teacher. 244 00:10:38,797 --> 00:10:40,213 What's he doing in here? 245 00:10:40,367 --> 00:10:41,916 MAN: Oh, I never left. 246 00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:43,838 Great. 247 00:10:44,157 --> 00:10:45,323 I'm mentally ill, 248 00:10:45,369 --> 00:10:46,655 and I have knee cancer. 249 00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:50,281 Hey, check it out. 250 00:10:50,306 --> 00:10:52,056 I ordered a new sign, and the guy mocked up 251 00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:53,650 what it's gonna look like on the building. 252 00:10:53,675 --> 00:10:54,975 Ooh, a neon barrel. 253 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:56,383 That'll really draw a crowd. 254 00:10:56,408 --> 00:10:57,635 Yeah, and look at the negative space. 255 00:10:57,660 --> 00:10:58,693 It's my initials. 256 00:10:58,748 --> 00:11:00,131 I'm not getting that. 257 00:11:00,278 --> 00:11:01,528 What do you mean? "A" for Adam, 258 00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:02,886 "J" for Janikowski. 259 00:11:02,911 --> 00:11:03,835 I see a penis. 260 00:11:03,860 --> 00:11:05,994 What? What? No, it's clearly "A.J." 261 00:11:06,159 --> 00:11:07,742 Well, either way, it'll draw a crowd. 262 00:11:07,914 --> 00:11:09,999 Maybe two slightly different crowds. 263 00:11:11,363 --> 00:11:13,163 It's fun spending Mitch's money, isn't it? 264 00:11:13,188 --> 00:11:16,062 You want fun? Wait'll I put in those foam-less beer taps. 265 00:11:16,087 --> 00:11:17,753 Ooh. And a new ice maker. 266 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:18,749 Yeah, and two more PayPoint systems. 267 00:11:18,774 --> 00:11:20,052 Yeah, and that necklace we saw at the mall. 268 00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:21,386 Yeah... W-Wait, what? 269 00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,440 Come on, you got a neon penis. 270 00:11:24,465 --> 00:11:26,848 It's Mitch's money. But as soon as we get our own, 271 00:11:26,891 --> 00:11:30,397 you can get a much smaller version of that same necklace. 272 00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:32,714 It's crazy. 273 00:11:33,049 --> 00:11:34,548 Last time he was here, 274 00:11:34,573 --> 00:11:36,489 he was so loaded, he couldn't stand up. 275 00:11:36,514 --> 00:11:38,597 - Now he's a new man. - Mm-hmm. 276 00:11:38,622 --> 00:11:40,966 Getting clean gave me a second chance in life, 277 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,491 it's giving him a second chance, 278 00:11:42,516 --> 00:11:44,516 and now it's giving your bar a second chance. 279 00:11:44,541 --> 00:11:47,375 That is the power of sobriety. 280 00:11:48,670 --> 00:11:50,288 Yay, sobriety. 281 00:11:52,476 --> 00:11:54,459 Adam's new sign went up today. 282 00:11:54,484 --> 00:11:55,567 What do you see? 283 00:11:55,652 --> 00:11:57,152 - Penis. - Penis. 284 00:11:57,177 --> 00:11:58,177 A.J. 285 00:11:58,202 --> 00:11:59,751 Penis. 286 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,349 We see what we want to see. 287 00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:05,039 I so want to see a penis. 288 00:12:05,064 --> 00:12:07,054 Not yours, Barry. Keep moving. 289 00:12:08,448 --> 00:12:10,198 I was hoping Mitch was coming. 290 00:12:10,223 --> 00:12:12,521 I wanted to tell him he inspired me to try meditating 291 00:12:12,546 --> 00:12:14,012 and I'm a new woman. 292 00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,849 20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night, 293 00:12:15,873 --> 00:12:18,423 and I haven't had to go to the shooting range once. 294 00:12:18,569 --> 00:12:20,319 Wait, what? 295 00:12:20,344 --> 00:12:22,260 You're meditating and it's working? 296 00:12:22,285 --> 00:12:23,450 Yeah, easy-peasy. 297 00:12:23,475 --> 00:12:25,859 And you only hear your own voice in your head? 298 00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:27,634 Well, who else's voice would I be hearing? 299 00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:28,825 I don't know. 300 00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:31,484 Maybe your seventh grade teacher you had a crush on 301 00:12:31,509 --> 00:12:33,320 until you saw him at the grocery store with his wife 302 00:12:33,345 --> 00:12:35,061 and then you cried for three weeks. 303 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,837 Mr. Borger? 304 00:12:36,862 --> 00:12:38,902 I slept with that guy. You weren't missing anything. 305 00:12:40,898 --> 00:12:43,732 The trick to meditating is to develop a routine. 306 00:12:43,757 --> 00:12:46,545 After a 45-minute massage, some chamomile tea, 307 00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:48,069 and a long soak in the hot tub, 308 00:12:48,215 --> 00:12:49,631 I go to my meditation room, 309 00:12:49,656 --> 00:12:51,336 get on top of some of my big floor pillows, 310 00:12:51,361 --> 00:12:53,015 and just doze off. 311 00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:54,793 That's not meditating. 312 00:12:54,818 --> 00:12:56,151 That's taking a nap. 313 00:12:56,246 --> 00:12:57,412 Oh, what do you know? 314 00:12:57,437 --> 00:12:58,687 You can't even do it. 315 00:13:02,052 --> 00:13:03,385 Look at this! 316 00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:04,719 It's packed! 317 00:13:04,755 --> 00:13:06,054 The new sign's working, babe. 318 00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,056 The giant penis in the sky! 319 00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:10,608 If you erect it, they will come! 320 00:13:11,744 --> 00:13:14,038 This is for my pappy! 321 00:13:15,588 --> 00:13:17,338 - What's going on? - Uh-oh. 322 00:13:17,517 --> 00:13:20,151 We may not have gotten along on this Earth, 323 00:13:20,176 --> 00:13:22,509 but we'll be drinking buddies in hell. 324 00:13:22,606 --> 00:13:25,240 - To Pappy! - OTHERS: To Pappy! 325 00:13:25,275 --> 00:13:26,658 Oh, my God, he's loaded. 326 00:13:26,683 --> 00:13:27,933 He relapsed. 327 00:13:28,089 --> 00:13:29,755 This is all my fault. 328 00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:32,781 What was I thinking, asking him to invest in a bar? 329 00:13:32,806 --> 00:13:34,222 Hey, look! 330 00:13:34,429 --> 00:13:36,345 There's my bar partner. 331 00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:37,702 My bartner! 332 00:13:37,848 --> 00:13:39,731 What the hell is going on, Mitch? 333 00:13:39,756 --> 00:13:42,424 Mm, I'm trying to hug you, but it's-it's hard, 334 00:13:42,459 --> 00:13:43,758 'cause of the chair. 335 00:13:43,794 --> 00:13:45,043 How do you do it? 336 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,378 Let's get you some coffee. 337 00:13:46,463 --> 00:13:47,963 Coffee? (groans) 338 00:13:48,616 --> 00:13:50,192 Innkeeper! 339 00:13:50,217 --> 00:13:52,468 Work your alchemy! 340 00:13:53,053 --> 00:13:55,220 I met these guys in the bar at my hotel. 341 00:13:55,245 --> 00:13:56,531 They all work in insurance. 342 00:13:56,556 --> 00:13:59,140 Can you imagine? Kill me now. 343 00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:01,215 What happened to California sober? 344 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:02,240 "California sober"? 345 00:14:02,265 --> 00:14:03,588 You know, he gets high but doesn't drink. 346 00:14:03,613 --> 00:14:04,896 That's not a thing. 347 00:14:04,921 --> 00:14:05,958 You told me it was a thing. 348 00:14:05,983 --> 00:14:07,649 You knew it wasn't a thing. 349 00:14:07,794 --> 00:14:09,294 W... Wait, 350 00:14:09,319 --> 00:14:11,820 you knew he was smoking pot and you didn't tell me? 351 00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:13,298 Well, by that time, we were partners, 352 00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:15,573 and then I ordered my penis sign. 353 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,022 This is for my old ma! 354 00:14:19,047 --> 00:14:20,963 May she rest in peace, 355 00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:22,964 whenever she dies. 356 00:14:23,010 --> 00:14:24,309 She's in a home. 357 00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,134 I can't go. It's too depressing. 358 00:14:26,230 --> 00:14:28,885 - To Ma! - OTHERS: To Ma! 359 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,450 CHRISTY: Okay. 360 00:14:31,475 --> 00:14:33,308 Quiet the mind, 361 00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:35,772 quiet the mind. 362 00:14:36,664 --> 00:14:38,581 A peaceful lake. 363 00:14:38,815 --> 00:14:41,316 A gentle breeze. 364 00:14:43,854 --> 00:14:45,653 Is this it? 365 00:14:45,821 --> 00:14:47,256 Am I doing it? 366 00:14:47,717 --> 00:14:50,635 Look at me. I'm doing it. 367 00:14:50,660 --> 00:14:52,827 Suck it, Jill. 368 00:14:52,863 --> 00:14:55,246 (rapid knocking) 369 00:14:55,271 --> 00:14:56,641 LEANNE: Mitch! 370 00:14:56,666 --> 00:14:57,999 Bonnie! 371 00:14:58,024 --> 00:14:59,811 Bonnie's daughter! 372 00:14:59,836 --> 00:15:01,753 (knocking continues) 373 00:15:01,838 --> 00:15:04,172 And I'm no longer doing it. 374 00:15:04,197 --> 00:15:05,747 Hello?! 375 00:15:06,014 --> 00:15:07,343 Coming! 376 00:15:09,379 --> 00:15:11,513 Bonnie's daughter! 377 00:15:11,757 --> 00:15:15,266 Oh! I've missed you so much! 378 00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,291 You have? 379 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,779 (chuckles) Don't you remember? 380 00:15:17,804 --> 00:15:19,484 We were gonna stay in touch and be friends. 381 00:15:19,509 --> 00:15:22,608 I texted you, like, a million, jillion times. 382 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,387 I never gave you my number. 383 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:26,007 Oh. 384 00:15:27,064 --> 00:15:29,929 Must've been a different Teresa. 385 00:15:30,282 --> 00:15:31,782 How 'bout you let go of me now? 386 00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:33,401 Oh. Sorry. 387 00:15:33,487 --> 00:15:34,869 Sorry, Teresa. 388 00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:36,715 Oh! 389 00:15:36,740 --> 00:15:39,074 I got to be honest with you, 390 00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:41,757 I've had a few drinks. 391 00:15:42,546 --> 00:15:43,962 Yes, I know. 392 00:15:44,047 --> 00:15:46,881 I think I got drunk from our hug. 393 00:15:46,917 --> 00:15:50,668 Wouldn't it be great if it worked that way? 394 00:15:51,319 --> 00:15:52,921 Anyway, 395 00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:55,663 thanks for coming over. 396 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:58,570 You came over here. 397 00:15:58,595 --> 00:16:00,728 And please tell me you didn't drive. 398 00:16:00,824 --> 00:16:02,874 No, no, I boobered. 399 00:16:02,899 --> 00:16:05,938 That's when you get in a cab and you show the driver your boobs 400 00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:08,380 instead of paying. 401 00:16:08,662 --> 00:16:10,578 Where's Mitch?! 402 00:16:11,908 --> 00:16:13,575 He owes me money! 403 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,244 And why are you sleeping with him, 404 00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,829 you nasty skank?! 405 00:16:17,974 --> 00:16:19,724 Oh! 406 00:16:19,749 --> 00:16:21,116 How'd we get here? 407 00:16:21,141 --> 00:16:22,394 I told you! 408 00:16:22,419 --> 00:16:24,085 Boober! 409 00:16:25,849 --> 00:16:27,732 I'm s... I'm sorry. 410 00:16:27,757 --> 00:16:29,757 Sambuca makes me mean. 411 00:16:29,793 --> 00:16:31,452 You want some? 412 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:33,428 Easy, easy. 413 00:16:33,463 --> 00:16:35,440 It's a $1,200 sweater. 414 00:16:36,116 --> 00:16:37,849 You were never sober, were you? 415 00:16:37,934 --> 00:16:38,850 Sure, I was. 416 00:16:38,875 --> 00:16:40,792 When I was nine. 417 00:16:40,937 --> 00:16:42,770 You went to a meeting with us! 418 00:16:42,806 --> 00:16:44,189 Why'd you lie? 419 00:16:44,274 --> 00:16:46,030 I want you to like me. 420 00:16:47,262 --> 00:16:48,710 Is it working? 421 00:16:50,647 --> 00:16:52,835 Hey! 422 00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:55,723 Stanley Tucci gave me this sweater! 423 00:16:55,819 --> 00:16:58,036 The Tooch! 424 00:16:58,121 --> 00:17:00,038 Larry said you didn't charge any of those people 425 00:17:00,063 --> 00:17:01,600 for their drinks. What are you doing? 426 00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:03,208 Listen to me, listen to me. 427 00:17:03,293 --> 00:17:04,709 (sputters) 428 00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,651 Listen to me. (coughs) 429 00:17:06,691 --> 00:17:08,858 - We're listening! - I have an idea. 430 00:17:08,999 --> 00:17:11,466 I was in a bar in Prague, 431 00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:14,052 and they had hookers. 432 00:17:14,077 --> 00:17:17,328 And people seemed to like it. 433 00:17:17,474 --> 00:17:20,391 - (patrons clamoring) - (glass shatters) 434 00:17:20,477 --> 00:17:22,427 Oh, great. My first brawl. 435 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:24,680 I'm just saying, 436 00:17:24,764 --> 00:17:26,898 no one fights in a hooker bar. 437 00:17:28,485 --> 00:17:31,102 Mitch, you miserable prick! 438 00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:32,676 You broke my heart! 439 00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:33,901 That's not Mitch! 440 00:17:33,926 --> 00:17:35,133 I'm not Mitch. 441 00:17:35,158 --> 00:17:36,991 You're not Mitch. 442 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,823 What's she doing here? 443 00:17:38,848 --> 00:17:40,359 She showed up at our apartment looking for Mitch. 444 00:17:40,384 --> 00:17:42,129 I figured if I brought her down here, 445 00:17:42,154 --> 00:17:43,987 she'd cease to be my problem. 446 00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:46,678 Forget about Mitch. 447 00:17:46,703 --> 00:17:48,086 I like you now. 448 00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:50,624 Everybody, I like Not Mitch! 449 00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,504 And now she's his problem. 450 00:17:55,202 --> 00:17:57,512 Oh, I feel so safe here. 451 00:17:57,547 --> 00:17:59,522 What are we drinking? 452 00:18:00,882 --> 00:18:02,850 I can't believe I fell for this again. 453 00:18:02,886 --> 00:18:04,185 Well, to be fair, 454 00:18:04,221 --> 00:18:06,771 I am a Hollywood-level liar. 455 00:18:06,856 --> 00:18:08,223 Well, I should know better, 456 00:18:08,308 --> 00:18:10,225 because I'm whatever's worse than Hollywood. 457 00:18:10,250 --> 00:18:12,717 Nothing's worse than Hollywood. 458 00:18:12,742 --> 00:18:15,029 As much as I want to strangle you right now, 459 00:18:15,065 --> 00:18:17,115 I can't, because I am you. 460 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,950 Well, I was you. 461 00:18:19,035 --> 00:18:22,124 A drunk tornado ripping through people's lives. 462 00:18:22,149 --> 00:18:25,400 They wanted me to direct Sharknado 3. 463 00:18:25,482 --> 00:18:26,731 Shut up! 464 00:18:26,756 --> 00:18:30,335 I'm taking the high road, you toxic cesspool! 465 00:18:31,381 --> 00:18:32,463 (exhales) 466 00:18:32,488 --> 00:18:34,571 (inhales deeply) 467 00:18:38,056 --> 00:18:40,023 What I meant to say was... 468 00:18:41,725 --> 00:18:43,558 ... as long as you're drinking, 469 00:18:43,593 --> 00:18:45,643 I don't want you in our lives. 470 00:18:46,046 --> 00:18:48,980 No calling, no e-mailing, no texting. 471 00:18:49,005 --> 00:18:51,062 What about Chapsnatch? 472 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:53,608 Nothing. No contact. 473 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:58,124 But if you ever sincerely want help... 474 00:18:59,918 --> 00:19:01,538 I'll be here for you. 475 00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:05,496 Ah. (chuckles) 476 00:19:05,730 --> 00:19:08,295 I see where this is going. 477 00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,916 Who's a pretty pony? 478 00:19:14,007 --> 00:19:15,593 (sputters) 479 00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:17,792 Adam. 480 00:19:17,817 --> 00:19:20,226 (grunting) 481 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,631 You were always the good one. 482 00:19:23,778 --> 00:19:26,278 Why'd I stop sleeping with you? 483 00:19:26,303 --> 00:19:27,685 What happened to us? 484 00:19:27,831 --> 00:19:29,864 Give her a minute. She'll come back. 485 00:19:29,889 --> 00:19:31,671 What's your name? 486 00:19:33,085 --> 00:19:35,360 Leanne, y-you got to get off me. 487 00:19:35,385 --> 00:19:37,635 My fiancée has a temper. 488 00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:38,825 Adam! 489 00:19:38,850 --> 00:19:40,476 Bonnie hit me! 490 00:19:41,318 --> 00:19:42,780 See? 491 00:19:43,546 --> 00:19:44,929 Mitch! 492 00:19:44,954 --> 00:19:46,819 Leanne?! 493 00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:49,957 Why'd she hit you? 494 00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:51,659 No reason. 495 00:19:51,684 --> 00:19:53,767 Seriously? We should all be hitting him. 496 00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:56,171 You poor thing. 497 00:19:56,225 --> 00:19:57,975 I know, right? 498 00:19:58,874 --> 00:20:00,301 I miss you. 499 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,482 I love you. 500 00:20:02,922 --> 00:20:04,889 I love you, too. 501 00:20:04,974 --> 00:20:07,091 (grunts) 502 00:20:07,177 --> 00:20:08,760 Let's make a baby. 503 00:20:08,785 --> 00:20:10,335 It's true love. (grunts) 504 00:20:12,558 --> 00:20:15,809 What's wrong with me that I'm jealous of them? 505 00:20:16,065 --> 00:20:18,399 (moaning) 506 00:20:19,828 --> 00:20:22,863 Cosmopolitan, you've done it again. 507 00:20:23,468 --> 00:20:25,076 Believe it or not, this time, 508 00:20:25,101 --> 00:20:26,433 Redbook. 509 00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:28,874 - Really? - Yep. 510 00:20:28,899 --> 00:20:32,562 Right next to an article about one-pot winter meals. 511 00:20:33,077 --> 00:20:35,151 (laughing) 512 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,843 - I love you. - I love you, too. 513 00:20:37,868 --> 00:20:40,001 Mitch's check bounced. 514 00:20:40,553 --> 00:20:42,022 Go again. 515 00:20:42,046 --> 00:20:47,046 Subtitle sync and corrections by ChrisKe for www.addic7ed.com. 35637

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