Original subtitles

Every group of friends has that one song

that no matter where you are

or what you're doing, it pulls you out of your seat.

That was me and my crew, The Flossy Posse.

I know, trust me.

Everything you had? We had it and did it better.

But those were my girls,

thinking we were the baddest chicks in the game.

Definitely the baddest chicks at FAMU.

Flossy Posse.

There was Sasha.

A journalism major with intelligence to shine

on the country's most respected publications.

Then she ended up doing a, um, different kind of journalism.

It may not be Pulitzer Prize-winning...

...but she's making it happen.

She's gonna be fine. I don't even know why...

We've gone through this before. Here she comes.

There was Dina.

She was a risk-taker.

It's chlamydia, y'all! That shit should get cured! Ay!

But that's our girl.

Of course, there's Lisa.

Despite being the sexy party girl, she was a natural nurturer.

She gave love even when it didn't love her.

Aww...

Come here, baby! Aww!

Me? I'm Ryan Pierce.

Successful author...

You write best-selling books, you cook on talk shows,

you make appearances all across the country.

How do you have time for a life?

As women, we're told

that we have to choose between the personal and the professional,

but I control my own destiny. I am strong,

I am powerful, I am beautiful.

If I will it, I can have it all.

Married my college sweetheart...

I'm a huge fan, Stewart. Thank you.

But I do have a question for you.

How does a former All-Pro tight end like yourself,

how do you hook up with the second coming of Oprah?

Ryan's strength has always been

making others their best selves,

and I knew I needed that in my life.

I married my best friend.

Yeah, you got him, girl!

And the Flossy Posse was there to witness.

We were ride or die.

But sometimes, words go unsaid,

disagreements go unresolved.

You still talk on the phone, keep up on social media,

but a year goes by where you don't see each other.

And that year turns to five,

and before you know it, you're so busy trying to get what you want

that one day you look up and find out

that the thing you loved the most, your crew,

the people who make you feel at home no matter where you are,

they're gone.

Yeah, I heard you. No, I gotta go.

I have to ask the question to get the answer. Okay, bye.

Hey, sweetheart. Ryan?

Ryan? Hey! Earth to Ryan!

Honey, listen. I know that you are exhausted.

I got you running all over this planet doing this book,

but the Essence folks just called and...

And

they want you to be the keynote speaker this year.

Yeah, it's VIP, five-star treatment all the way.

You just sign some books, sign some autographs,

shake hands, you have heaps of praise...

And that's when you realize

that the Flossy Posse needs to ride again.

Tell them I'd be honored.

You can purchase Ryan Pierce's latest New York Times bestseller,

You Can Have It All, in New Orleans at Essence Fest.

Well, speaking about "You Can Have It All,"

when are you two going to start a family?

Oh, God... Because we know you would make beautiful babies.

Trust me, it is on the agenda.

No, I need you to bring me something I can use,

something good.

Let me call you back.

Bill, look, I know why you're upset,

but I can't make people click on your ads.

Well, you better do something.

You guaranteed me eyeballs on your site, and I'm losing money, Sasha.

Well, I'm going to Essence Fest this weekend.

Me and my girl, Ryan Pierce, will be up in all the hot VIP spots.

Ryan Pierce? Any dirt on her?

Absolutely not.

Plus, I can't invent scandal.

But I guarantee you, nine months from now,

there's gonna be a lot of babies named "Essence."

Cute, Sasha, not helpful.

Just give me a few more days to increase views.

Please.

Post something your viewers wanna see this weekend,

or we're done.

Hold, please.

Yeah, motherfucker! Eat a bowl of dicks, motherfucker!

You know you need me!

I'm the bitch in these streets!

You've put me on FaceTime.

Oh, my God.

Shit!

Oh, no, no, no! That's my car!

Dina, it has come to my attention

that you had a bit of a conflict with a fellow employee.

No, not really.

I didn't know it was your lunch!

Stupid motherfucker!

Don't you run from me!

The point is, physically assaulting a co-worker

because he accidentally stole your lunch...

Accidentally? Is that what he told you?

He knew that was my Go-Gurt.

That motherfucker is crazy for that shit.

Be that as it may,

this is not the first time something like this has happened.

I'm gonna need to terminate you.

I'm letting you go.

Word? Word.

Ahh.

Yeah. Good looking out, Ted.

Thanks for letting me go, man.

Appreciate that, nothing but water under the bridge.

I'm gonna go and get back to work.

No, there's no water and no bridge. You're fired.

Why you making me feel like I'm on The Apprentice or something?

Look, I get it.

You're upset, I shouldn't be throwing things in a "place of work."

Why are you making air quotes? This is a place of work.

Lesson learned.

Oh, you're so understanding. Oh, oh, oh!

By the way, I'm going to Essence Fest this weekend with my girls.

We about to turnt up! So I'm gonna need Friday off.

Okay. Uh, you can have all days off, Dina,

because you no longer work here.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Totally, see you bright and early Tuesday morning.

Plus or minus a few hours depending on traffic.

Dina, we're not done yet!

- Yes, we are. - Dina!

Okay, Ted.

Snitches get stitches. Oh, shit!

Dina, you need to grow up!

Mmm-hmm.

Bath time, homework time, snack time.

Seaweed chips, cucumber rounds without the skin.

Bed time, 8:00 p.m. sharp.

Ma...

I need you to focus.

Would you calm down?

I have raised kids before.

And some of them turned out okay.

You know what? Forget it, I'm just gonna stay. I'm gonna stay.

Because I can't have these kids

deviate from their schedule in any way,

it just messes everything up.

So forget it. What up, bitch!

Oh, what's good, Miss Miller?

Hello, Dina.

Have you heard of a doorbell?

Uh, have you heard of locking doors?

There's crazy people out there.

You ready to get turnt? No, I'm not going,

because I don't wanna leave the kids alone! No!

It's not gonna work! No!

For once, I agree with Dina and her foul mouth.

She needs this trip so she can go off and get some love,

so she can stop being so grouchy all the time.

Ma!

Your mama know there's cobwebs on that thing.

You know what?

Sorry.

Aw...

Bye, Mama! Oh, my goodness!

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Heifer, you are not going off to war.

Go, go, I beg of you, go!

We'll be fine. You are so silly.

Scrubs, really? That's what you're doing?

What's wrong with this? Uh-huh. We're not going nowhere

until we see you with some camel toe, okay?

No, I don't do camel toe.

Okay, well, you can't just show forearm!

That's not sexy. All right, Dina!

What? Are you going to teach first grade?

Who wears socks this thick in New Orleans?

Nobody. All right. I've organized everything.

What is this, the Bidi Bidi Bom Bom collection?

Is this a Care Bear? Don't touch my things!

As usual, you guys fucking killed it!

And I'm not the only one who thought so.

Are you gonna tell us who else thought so?

You have no patience for dramatic revelation!

Fine.

Bethany Marshall, the head of marketing from Best Mart, thought so,

and...

And what else?

She wants to launch an exclusive "Ryan and Stewart" collection

and underwrite a "Ryan and Stewart" talk show!

Boom!

Wait, are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious!

That's amazing!

I know!

She said, and I quote, "They're both just so real."

She's gonna send her business affair peeps

down to New Orleans this weekend to make the offer.

They wanna launch by end of year.

That's amazing!

Thank you!

Honey, thank you! We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich!

And thank you!

Hey, babe, I gotta head out or I'm gonna miss my flight.

But I will see you and the Flossy Posse in New Orleans.

Yes. All right.

I love you. I love you.

In love with you. I'm in love with you.

I love you! Come here!

Aw...

Thanks.

Whoo!

Hmm.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm so lonely.

Oh, you smell good.

She bought it for me.

Sorry, go before I spank you. I just did.

Please go. Bye!

Oh! Gosh, that man knows how to exit a room.

Woof!

Now, Ryan, honey, don't be mad, but with so much on the line,

are you sure that you wanna get turned with your girls this weekend?

I promised them a free trip and it's "turnt" with a "T."

Okay, got it.

But maybe just wait until the deal closes,

and then take them all to St. Barts, buy them all Birkin bags or something?

Liz, it'll be fine, I promise.

Listen, we're all adults and our insane party days are behind us.

Well, most of us.

I just know if I was with my college girlfriends in New Orleans,

there'd be pictures of our tits all over the Internet.

There's actually a few of those out there, I don't know if you saw.

But, anyway, it doesn't matter because

the point is, I have civilian titties,

but you have bestselling author titties,

and 10% of your titties are my titties.

I just want our titties to have a future.

Liz. Yeah.

What's the name of my book?

You Can Have It All.

Exactly.

Okay, you're right, I gotta defer to your judgment.

So, listen, I'm gonna fly in before your first appearance.

I'm really excited to meet the Flossy Posse.

You girls are gonna be keekee-ing all weekend.

Okay. Liz? Yeah.

I'm gonna say this out of love. Preach, girl.

Mmm. Please refrain from saying things like "preach,"

or "Go, girl," "Bye, Felicia," "ratchet,"

or any other colloquialisms that you may have heard

or looked up on Urban Dictionary.

This weekend, over half a million black women

of all sizes, shades, from all different socio-economic backgrounds

are descending on the Crescent City

to celebrate black womanhood in all its glorious forms.

You, my dear friend, are a guest.

Act accordingly.

Wow.

I'm not even offended.

You're the best! Oh! Mmm.

Thank you.

Have fun on your hashtag Black Girl Magic weekend.

Girl, bye!

4718 to New Orleans will commence boarding shortly.

Got my hand sanitizer.

Got my anti-nausea medication, hold on to that. Oh!

Hi, earplugs!

Oh. You need to relax, Judge Judy.

You know, I got some bomb-ass kush if you wanna take a hit of it

before you get on the plane. That shit will have you right.

Where did you hide it? You know what?

Never mind, I'm not even gonna ask.

Fine, I ain't gonna tell you.

Okay, I'mma tell you.

Where the sun don't shine.

You know, a lot of people think that means the vagina.

But, actually, it's the butthole.

I got drugs in my booty.

You know what? That can cause a lot of infection.

Girl, you can't get no infection in your bootyhole!

It's a bootyhole.

Okay, enough.

You're grown.

On another note, let me ask you a question.

Do you think the situation with Ryan and Sasha...

Think there's still drama, or has it been long enough?

It better be, because I plan on getting white-girl-wasted this weekend,

and I ain't letting none of you bitches kill my vibe, okay?

That's hand sanitizer.

It burns.

Well, considering we don't know where your mouth has been, it can't hurt.

God!

You want a cough drop? Hmm. Yeah.

Here.

Excuse me, can you ladies point me in the direction of

the Flossy Posse!

Oh, my goodness!

It's so good to see you!

I'm so happy to see you two.

Girl, you killing it!

Hey, ladies!

Sasha, my goodness!

Oh! I've missed you guys so much!

It's so good to see you! Flossy Posse!

Flossy Posse! Flossy Posse!

She baddie!

Sash!

Hey, Ry.

Hey.

Well, life is treating you well, I see that.

Please! I see you and Stew pop up on my feed

once a week going to some fabulous event.

I love your hair. Nice dress.

Seems like they're getting along.

Shit...

These bitches is plastic.

That's a great lipstick, too. Thank you, right?

Ladies!

I made something very special for us this weekend.

Oh.

Bam!

What the fuck? Look like a Bedazzler threw up on that thing.

What? This is very fashionable,

it's of today and yesterday. It's very retro.

How about we save it for the last night?

Of our lives?

Or donate it to the My Little Pony Motorcycle Club.

Okay.

I put a lot of man-hours into these jackets.

See, that's not the kind of man-hours

we need you putting in, Lisa-lise.

Okay. Et Tu, Sasha?

Yes, you need to bedazzling some dick, that's what you need to do.

Okay, now here's what I want.

Let me get three shots of whiskey with a Coke to chase.

Coke Zero though, I'm watching my figure.

Dina, you know this is only an hour flight?

Oh, well, then, in that case, let me go ahead and get those three shots now,

and then bring me a shot of Baileys

once we get into cruising altitude.

She about to turnt up. Sure.

Oh! And let me get a Cherry Coke.

Dina, can we just bring it down a notch? Hmm?

Oh! Can we get some dick this weekend?

You know what? I need you to use your lady mouth.

I need you to use your lady mouth.

All right. All right.

Let's just use Lisa's version of lady mouth.

No, seriously, for real though,

how long has it been since you got that back blown out?

I don't know, two years maybe.

Wait. What?

Since Terrence?

I don't know. I mean, I take a vigorous spin class,

I read really intense erotica,

and I invested in a very powerful detachable shower head,

which has been very good to me, mind you.

Mmm-mmm. Okay, that story just put me into menopause.

You getting some this weekend. Straight up!

You're gonna get at least two dicks inside of you.

For crying out loud, Dina, we only gonna be there for three days.

Well, three dicks then.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, Lisa, Dina could be right.

Daily penetration is medicinal.

Oh, my goodness.

Don't be ashamed, girl.

Every sista up in here is on a mission

to be her very best and ratchet self. Oh.

You, especially.

Who's ready for Essence Fest?

See, Lisa? There is no turning down up in here, only the turnt up.

I love turnt ups. Ma'am, excuse me.

Excused, uh, I got this.

Can you go ahead and make some Patrón shots for everybody up here?

On me. I'm sorry.

I'm gonna take care of everybody in first class because...

I'm every woman It's all in me

Anything you want done, baby

I do it naturally

Flossy Posse!

Wait, I see our sign!

Yes!

Hello. Oh, my goodness!

Thank you so much.

Mmm.

Oh, my God!

Thank you!

Ay! Ay! Ow!

A lovely day

A lovely day

Oh, God!

Oh, shoot!

Run, Dina! Run!

Fuck yeah!

That's some white boy shit right there.

Who's ready for a refill?

Dina, I haven't even finished this one yet.

Girl, you used to finish a supersized Slurpee

filled with grain alcohol before noon.

Mmm-hmm. True.

That was before two beautiful little human beings ripped out of my vagina

and sucked all the life out of my breasts.

I don't coochie pop no more.

Ryan. What?

We are your biggest fans. Will you take a picture with us?

Yes, sure, of course. We are your biggest fans.

Oh, my God. My friends are over here.

Damn, this shit gonna be happening all weekend?

You know, I'm so proud of her. Look at her.

It's like traveling with Beyoncé.

Oh, my God! Are you guys friends with Ryan?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm a huge fan!

Here, this is for you. Here.

Oh, okay, thank you! Thanks so much!

Enjoy! Yes!

Shit! This is like traveling with Beyoncé!

Thank you so much! Aw!

Girl, you so pretty!

Sista, sista, it's $50 a pop. $50 a pop.

Dina, I wouldn't do that.

Who else is gonna take a picture with Ryan? It's $50.

We take American Express, EBT.

You trying to go to jail? Because you need a permit for all that.

What the fuck?

Lisa!

- Lisa! - All right, sista.

Wait a minute. Hold up.

Can you believe this?

Oh, my God.

What y'all tripping off of?

Oh, hell, no!

That can't really be...

That's definitely Stewart's punk ass,

and that's definitely not Ryan he's tonguing down.

Where'd you get the picture?

My paparazzi guy sent it to me.

Who is this ratchet-ass bitch?

Simone, some Instagram hoe.

Heard she sucked off A-Rod in a bathroom one time.

Wait a minute. All this NBA dick

and she's sucking a baseball player?

You know what I'm saying? That type of bitch.

Oh, my God. I hate her. But you know what?

That ass is really cute.

Do you get that from squats or is that injections?

Oh, shit! She here!

That little dirty bitch Simone is here?

Okay, we gotta tell Ryan.

Handle that, Sasha.

Why I gotta be the one? It's your picture, hoe.

Okay, no matter what, we have to do it delicately,

because she's having a good time.

No, fuck that. You gotta do it like a Brazilian wax.

Just yank everything out at once.

Now, she gonna feel like her uterus is on the paper and she's gonna scream,

but it's way better than waterboarding the bitch.

Can we at least wait until we get back to the room?

Can we agree on that?

So we have the most amazing suite at the Monteleone,

VIP passes to all the parties,

and great seats at the Superdome for New Edition,

Maxwell and Doug E. Fresh!

And we are going to eat! Damn the calories!

Yup! Yes!

I'm gonna kill somebody.

What?

Now, I do have some obligations,

but the truth is, this weekend is all about the Flossy Posse!

We're gonna be staying up late, drinking,

making memories that we can laugh about the rest of our lives

because that is what a girls trip is for.

- Yeah, word. - YOLO.

Ooh, I gotta hide a bitch body.

And gossip!

No secrets, I want all the dirt!

Bitch, your man is sleeping with an Instagram skank.

You just had to say something, didn't you?

That was an opening, that's God.

Recognize.

- Come on, Ryan. I need to... - I gotta show you something.

Ryan, I don't even know what to say.

You know we're here for you, for whatever you need.

Don't worry, boo. I'm gonna put hands on them.

I'm talking hot grits,

extension cords, Timberland boots.

I'm gonna fuck up that bitch's Instagram account.

I'm gonna put two Q-tips in his pee-pee hole,

and I'm gonna walk him around.

I'm gonna just wipe, just swipe in that thing and yank them out!

And then I'm gonna stick my fingers up in his ass

and tell him I'm checking his prostate,

but really I'm gonna yank his balls

out of the back of that motherfucker!

And then I'm gonna put my fist so far up his ass,

I'm gonna pull his heart out through that motherfucker, and I'm gonna

"Kali ma shakti" that shit, just...

Then I'm gonna stick my fingers back up in his ass,

and then I'm gonna twirl them around

and see if that make him giggle a little bit.

Because I like to make a motherfucker laugh

while I hurt him, you know what I'm saying?

Well, that's not necessary, Dina, really, honestly.

I've known about this for a few months. So...

The fuck? You into that shit?

No, Dina, come on. Obviously, I was very upset,

but Stewart and I are in counseling, and we're working through it.

Look at that! That is fantastic!

I am so glad to hear that. Good for you.

Thank you, Lisa. Stewart and I are a team.

Yeah, he's made some mistakes, but that's in the past.

No, it's not.

This picture was taken last night.

Mmm.

I don't believe that, Sasha.

And you know what? I really don't wanna be judged right now.

I'm the last person to judge you, but...

Guys! Okay, listen.

I really meant what I said earlier.

This weekend is about us.

We haven't hung in five years,

and, by the grace of God, we are here together.

Come on, let's take advantage of that because if we don't,

if we waste this precious time, then shame on us,

because today is the last day that we will ever be this young.

She fucked me up with that one. All right!

Now, the Flossy Posse is back in New Orleans, so let's go!

- Let's go, bitches! - She's right, let's go!

But I will shit in that nigga's shoe.

Ryan.

You know it's just a matter of time

before the photographer shops this picture.

Sash, don't worry. I'm gonna handle it.

Come on, y'all!

I love this place so much!

Wow. So, listen, I'm gonna go check us in, get our credentials.

You guys should go check out the Carousel Bar and have a drink,

and I'll be back in five minutes. It's really cute.

To the bar! All right! I'm ready to ride.

Looks nice, let's see.

Oh, look at that!

Your kids would like this.

Man, damn! This is the shit, man!

Aw, it's so cool! It's moving around.

Yes, it's super cute.

Ooh!

There goes Stewart.

Oh.

Asshole.

Dina, look at me! Don't!

Look at me! Okay, come on now.

You heard what Ryan said, just be cool.

I'm gonna be cool, I just wanna say hi, that's all.

Why are you taking... I'm gonna just say hello.

No! Don't you say hello!

No, Dina, don't do that.

Remember, Ryan said this is her life, we shouldn't get involved.

Hold this!

Dina!

Dina, no! No!

Bitch!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Don't play me, nigga. I will end you!

You and your little thirsty-ass wannabe MILF!

But not really a MILF.

Nigga, you getting old bitches from the resting home?

Is that what you're doing to my homegirl?

You fucking with Gladys Knight, nigga?

Do you got knee pads under them slacks, Slurpee?

What? Dina, this my Aunt Marian!

How do you do?

Oh, I'm doing just fine, but you know what?

Your nephew is nasty!

He a nasty nigga!

Oh, yeah, your bloodline is nasty!

Okay. All right.

All right, I'm sorry! She's off her meds today!

He do people wrong! You're going to Hell!

You so nasty!

And that ugly, tight-assed suit!

It is so very nice to meet you, Miss Aunty.

And that is a lovely blouse you have on. Why, thank you.

As for you, Stewart...

I am very disappointed in you. Very!

You guys have a lovely afternoon. Thank you for your time.

Thank you. You have a good day, too.

- What the hell happened? - Breathe. Just breathe.

I was gone for three minutes!

This shit took one!

What? Hockey players don't even fight that fast!

Ma'am, I need you to leave the premises immediately.

Hello, sir.

Ryan Pierce, this year's Essence keynote speaker

and author of You Can Have It All.

I am sorry, I'd like to apologize for my friends.

But I can assure you that everything is fine now.

Ma'am, she's holding a broken bottle of Château Margaux.

Don't be speaking French to me, motherfucker!

Dina, you're lucky my aunt is hard of hearing.

And you're lucky TSA took that straight-edge away from me!

Mr. Pierce, we are in the process of removing her right now.

Thank you. Wait!

Really, that is not necessary. Dina, calm down.

I promise you. We are longtime friends, since college.

This is just the way we greet each other.

Miss Pierce, I'm sorry, but that's not the way we do things here.

Okay, understood.

But we are not pressing charges, okay?

Isn't that right, Stew?

Well, no, but if that's the hotel's policy, then I understand.

No! What?

You a dick-ass nigga!

Eat a dick! And I mean that as a sista to a brotha!

You know what? It's cool. I'm gonna leave.

Okay, we're leaving. I'm gonna leave.

We're gonna leave. Just give me a second.

Oh! Dina! Oh, my...

Okay, you know what, Dina...

Milk Dud head...

You look like an ugly, dirty Mr. Clean!

Your girl needs a leash.

Wipe-ass bastard!

Your room, now! I don't wanna go to my room.

That place is nasty! It's haunted!

I was there last year! Swear to God, I was up in there last year.

A ghost tried to fuck me!

You ever been fucked by a ghost?

Are you kidding me?

You said you ended this shit, and now there's a picture?

Are you not understanding?

And on top of it, the bitch is here!

I didn't invite her.

Well, neither the fuck did I! You need to call her,

and you need to send that genetically enhanced ass home!

Come on, baby. How am I supposed to do that?

The same way you tell her to come get some dick.

You tweet, Snapchat, DM,

smoke signals, whatever you do, I don't give a shit!

- You know what? - Whatever.

I'm not doing this.

This is stupid.

This isn't a marriage, but we agreed to at least be a partnership,

and you can't hold up your end of the bargain, let alone your pants!

This is against everything I tell my readers, my followers,

and yet I'm putting up with it?

No! Ry, I'm sorry.

You're always sorry.

I know, but, look, I won't do it again.

You always ain't gonna do it again!

Baby, I mean it this time.

- Okay? Real talk. - Mmm-hmm.

Ryan, baby, listen.

You're right, you don't deserve this.

But our brand is who we are.

It's who you are.

Giving all that up because I was sloppy

isn't worth all that you have worked very hard to accomplish.

Why would we give it up?

And for what? Huh?

To watch it all crumble?

To be alone?

Ryan, baby, I'm not going anywhere, you know that.

I don't give a damn about her.

Let's just do our dance and handle our business.

Be that couple who has it all.

No more slipups.

Stick to the plan and get that hoe under control,

and we close this deal.

Done.

Some of us have to find a place to stay.

Damn.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. So where we at?

I called. All the four and five star hotels are booked.

You know what, whatever, who needs a fancy suite?

I mean, come on.

Let's rough it. It'll be like old times.

I get the feeling there's definitely been a few chalk outlines on this floor.

Oh, yeah, somebody was definitely murdered in this room.

It smells like the body is still in here.

Ugh.

The fuck? No minibar?

I feel like that one star was hella generous.

Bitch, you the reason we here.

Classic Dina. You just had to cause a scene.

Classic Sasha, can't never let shit go!

It just happened! Why would I let it go?

What do you mean, it just happened? It's in the past!

Hey.

Hey! Hey! Stop arguing!

Stop it!

Hey!

Let it go!

I think I got scabies. It's itching.

Y'all expecting somebody?

Uh-uh.

Fucking foggy peephole.

Who is it?

Oh!

Rochelle here? Oh!

No, sir, I am sorry, you have the wrong room.

Please leave.

This is where I meet Rochelle every night.

Hey, Rochelle ain't here, homeboy. You need to get on.

It don't have to be Rochelle.

I'll take one of you.

You mean to tell me, we staying at a motel

where $5 hoes do their business?

$5, shit, I get $2 change.

Oh!

Lisa, you game?

Might as well turn a profit on dick number one tonight.

Bust that thing open.

Not if she wearing that. What?

I told you that outfit was ugly as hell, he don't even wanna fuck.

Listen, sir, just because she is not fashionable

doesn't mean that you have to be rude!

Get out!

Shoot!

What's wrong with him? Close this.

You don't want some of this?

What is that?

You don't want some of this?

Oh, shit!

You are disgusting!

Go find Rochelle! No, you go find Rochelle!

Y'all are gonna get me a heart attack!

Oh...

I don't find this funny at all.

Yes, girl, you're giving me life.

Oh, hold up, Sash, your tag is hanging out. Let me pull it out.

Oh, no, don't pull it. Just tuck it in for me.

Okay.

I made a deal with the designer.

I'm gonna Instagram it this weekend.

Some tastemaker shit.

Lis, hurry up, okay?

P. Diddy's not gonna be waiting for me all night!

He's a busy man.

All right, almost ready.

What the fuck is that?

Wait a minute. Hold on.

You gotta be kidding me!

I really like this outfit.

I mean, this is hand-stitched embroidery

from an indigenous tribe in Guatemala that's almost extinct.

So they not fucking in Guatemala?

You know what? Intelligent men of academia

are gonna really appreciate this outfit. Mmm.

All right, listen. You look beautiful.

Thank you!

Now take it off and put this on.

This dress is a mosquito net.

Then maybe you'll catch something in it.

Yeah, a man.

Lisa, you look like somebody's Puerto Rican grandmother.

See?

Now men will fuck almost anything, but not you in that outfit.

Don't even, I already know.

Tighten that up.

Don't be taking all day back there either, making tamales and shit.

New Orleans!

Make some noise

for New Edition!

Oh, my gosh!

Sing yourself, y'all!

Oh, oh!

I have four.

Yay!

Party in the VIP!

That's for Ryan for getting us up in the hot VIP spot!

Before we drink, we should get hydrated.

Where is the water? Excuse me, miss!

Lisa? Yes.

Okay, this weekend, we're gonna need a little less "Mom" Lisa,

and a little more "Freaknik" Lisa.

Mmm-hmm.

Like "Howard Homecoming" Lisa.

Ooh!

Ooh! "Bayou Classic" Lisa.

- Ahh! - Mmm!

That Lisa.

Like "NBA All-Star Weekend" Lisa.

That shut it down.

Come on now. You're a fierce sexual goddess.

I'm a bad bitch goddess!

Oh, yes!

Now go out there and slay.

That's it! Let's do this!

She ready.

So, hey, I don't mean to be intrusive,

but, um, how many sexual partners have you had?

Are you gay, straight?

Because with the pocket squares...

I'm not feeling confident about this.

So you're not lactose intolerant?

You give me the smallest bit of ice cream,

and I'm taking off like a rocket. It's just...

Damn, she rusty!

I had both my kids, right?

And I kept their placenta.

You know what I do every morning?

When I make my morning shake,

I take a little bit of that placenta, plop it right inside,

grind it up, throw it back.

I'm telling you I'm gonna live until I'm 100.

I can't watch this. I tried, but I can't.

She's gonna have to Uber, she ain't riding with us.

Everybody!

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

Sasha Franklin?

Of Sasha's Secrets?

Miss Vanzant.

It is such an honor to even be in the same...

So, come, Missy,

and let me holler at you for a minute.

Okay.

Do you know who I am?

Yeah, I just said...

Because either you don't know,

or some strange affliction

has altered the molecular structure of your brain.

If you think

that you can trash my name and reputation

just to make a name for yourself, Missy,

that is not gonna turn out well for you.

No, look, I'm just the messenger.

I thought you looked great in that thong.

Liar!

Try me again, and I promise you

that you and I are gonna have a Middle Passage experience,

a fight for survival, and I will win.

Have I made myself clear?

Clear?

Clear.

Okay, thank you, beloved.

Blessings to you and you enjoy the rest of your evening.

Shoot!

Yes, tell me it recorded.

Please tell me I got that on video.

Come on, please.

Damn it!

Damn it, Sasha! That was your car and your mortgage.

Hey, uh, Sasha.

Yeah.

Listen, do you, uh, mind not working right now?

Well, what do you call what you're doing?

No, I'm just saying that I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable

thinking that you're spying on them, that's all.

Ryan, I don't spy on people.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just saying that I'm their guest, you're my guest.

Are you telling me to behave?

Is that what you're telling me right now?

No, I'm just saying that it would be

more appropriate and effective...

What is appropriate and effective? Um, Sasha. Sasha.

These words you're using on me feel...

Come with me to the bathroom, please.

Real quick, I got snaps and zippers...

Jesus! And all kinds of things.

Lisa, I know what you're doing.

Come on, Estelle!

Darling, yes, look at us! No. No.

Two conquerors taking over the world!

Don't be a bugger! Pip pip, cheerio!

I'll tag you! I'll be tagging you in this! Please don't!

What are you doing? What?

I'm taking fun pictures with celebrities.

I'm talking to celebrities and everything.

Glad to see some things ain't changed.

Julian! Oh, my God!

Look at you! You got muscles now!

What up, D? What's up, boy?

Look at you! Man, you got fine!

Ryan! It's good to see you!

I thought that was you.

I cannot believe I'm looking at half of the Flossy Posse!

And the other half is here, too.

No shit? Yes!

The whole entire FP crew is in the building? Mmm-hmm.

Okay, it's official now.

Wow. So you playing this weekend?

Yeah, I'm actually sitting in with Ne-Yo

at the House of Blues on Saturday.

Ne-Yo? I love Ne-Yo.

Well, y'all should come through, swing by.

I will put you on the list, it's nothing.

Okay, we're there. Good.

Yeah, we're there.

Ah, so, what you drinking?

Sash, I just brought you in here, okay,

so that you could have a little compassion for Ryan

and everything that she's going through.

So I'm asking you to please be nice.

I'm trying.

I mean, she is the one giving me grief about doing my job.

You know, we can't all just smile for the cameras

and sit next to a football player and make money off of him.

Ooh! Now, Sasha, that's not fair and you know it.

You know you always do this.

I always do what?

Ryan can do no wrong in your eyes.

Even when she bailed on all of our plans

to start the first black Huffington Post.

That was five years ago, all right?

Can you just let it go?

Okay!

Sash...

Don't look at me with them eyes.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you, I love you. Don't hug on me,

hug on some of that man meat out there.

Ma, can you hear me?

Dang it.

Reception is just awful.

Geez Louise. Come on.

Come on!

Hey, pretty lady from Bourbon Street.

Hey, yeah...

You know that doesn't work, right?

Oh.

You gotta try, just in case you get lucky.

I mean, not lucky...

You wanna stand on my shoulders and try?

You know, for height.

So, um, how many baby mamas you got?

Zero.

You got a wifey? No.

You got a husband?

Don't even try to play me, all right?

Dina, come on. Now Julian is a musician, he play the bass.

What's he gonna do with one piece of pussy coochie twat?

There's a lot you can do with just one.

Talk to me, yes. I got one you could do a lot with!

Stop! Damn, she dangerous.

Close them.

Look! Smash alert, two o'clock!

You got it? I got you.

Oh, my God!

Is that Lisa?

We gotta keep twisting like this, right?

Because that helps with the reception.

Just a minute ago, she was chasing them off,

now, she got her whole taco in the dude's face.

Ma, can you hear me yet?

No, she still can't hear me, though.

And it's raw taco, she ain't got no panties on!

Y'all still wild.

Yes, we are!

Oh, my God! That's Diddy, baby!

How y'all feeling over here tonight?

Y'all ready to have a good time in this motherfucker?

Ladies, look what your man's got!

Y'all, I'm about to get pregnant tonight. Move.

You know you created a monster.

It's a really good vibe, come on.

Oww!

No!

Dina, put your shirt on!

Oh, shit!

Girl, your booty is showing!

You go and get that ass!

That shit works!

Make some noise!

Oh, my God!

I love y'all! Thank you, New Orleans!

Turnt up, turnt up, turnt up!

What we doing after this, y'all?

My frat's having a party at Xavier.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. How old are you?

Twenty-one.

We are not going to any college frat party. Twenty-one!

What?

Wait, maybe I should wait here for Diddy to come out,

because once a man lays his eyes

on these Biggie Smalls up on my chest,

it burns in their brains, it burns right in their brains.

Come on, for real.

What y'all getting into? I know y'all doing something.

Oh! Wait, come on, y'all.

I still have to work tomorrow, I really should get to bed.

It ain't even midnight yet. Boo!

Come on, guys, listen. I've just watched my best friend grind on Diddy.

What could possibly top that?

Let's do this shit, bitches!

Flossy Posse is in effect!

Here I go!

Oh, shit!

Yeah!

That was amazing!

Guess she caught her second wind.

Sasha!

Come on, you have to try it! It's amazing!

Fuck it! I'm white boy wasted anyway!

Come on!

Oh, my God! Oh, shit!

Catch me!

Oh!

Don't let me go! Don't let me go!

Don't let me go!

Sasha!

That was crazy!

Come on, Lis. Come on. It's time, let's go!

No, this is not a good idea, I have to pee.

The line is shorter over there,

there's a long line to the bathroom here.

Just go for it.

You can do it! It's fine!

All right. All right. All right. All right.

Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

Peter Pan that shit!

Oh!

Oh, shit!

What happened?

Why did I stop?

Why isn't it moving?

- Wait, what's going on? - Why did it stop?

Hello? What's wrong?

Don't worry about it!

They're gonna fix it! Just hold tight, hold on, Lisa!

This is not the time, I'm telling you!

Don't worry!

Squeeze it!

Oh, God!

Baby Jesus, Jesus, please don't make me pee on anybody!

Stop taking that picture of her fucking vagina!

Please don't do it!

Oh!

Damn! How much did she drink?

Why have you forsaken me, Baby Jesus?

Your BFF is on her way!

I'm sorry, I really tried to hold it!

Don't worry, girl, I got you!

I didn't know you were into golden showers. Girl, that's my jam!

Watch this!

What the fuck?

What are you doing?

Y'all didn't even have to take me to Red Lobster!

Hey, when I said "let loose," I didn't mean it literally!

Ry, what! Did you see that?

Yeah, everybody saw it!

Damn! Oh, I am so happy we ran into you!

I swear, I have not had this much fun in so long.

You never had a problem with that before.

I miss that girl.

You definitely brought her back tonight.

Well, maybe she needs you around a little more often.

Uh...

Maybe I should get you home.

Didn't you say you have an appearance or something?

Tomorrow?

With your husband.

Yeah, that nigga.

What?

What? No.

Yeah, no, no, right. I should, um...

I should probably go. Yeah.

Uh, but where y'all staying? I'll take you to your hotel.

Where are you, at the W?

Uh... The Roosevelt?

I got you, come on.

All right, it's all yours.

Are you sure?

There's no way in hell I'll let y'all stay in that filthy dump.

I'll crash with the guys in the band.

Y'all get some sleep.

Thank you, Julian, for everything tonight. For everything.

No sweat.

You sure everything is good with you?

Yes! Absolutely.

All right, then.

Okay.

Good night.

Can I just touch it? You can touch it.

Oh.

You're shy.

You should move your arm.

That's not my arm.

I just... I couldn't do it.

It was unbelievable!

I'm telling you guys, you had to see this thing.

Well, why didn't you bring it out and show us?

Were you gonna help me carry it out here?

I'd have slung it over my shoulder.

Listen, I ain't never seen nothing like that.

Wait. The good Lord gives you all that meat, and you just hand it back?

Is that because you a vegan?

No, Dina.

It's because I wanna keep my uterus intact.

Girl, I'm gonna give you a lecture tomorrow.

But tonight I'm too tired.

I think my liver is broken.

Uh-uh. Y'all not going to sleep. Come on.

Come on. Bring it. Come on!

Get up!

Mmm-mmm. - Oh, God.

What?

I'm not going to Hell.

Jesus loves me, too.

Better recognize your blessings.

She got a point. Yeah.

Okay.

Here we go.

Heavenly Father, we wanna thank you for this day of life

and thank you for bringing the Flossy Posse back together.

It's like you always listen to my prayers

because I missed my girls so much.

And I can't wait for us to have all the most fun in the world!

Oh, I can just feel my heart filling up with joy now,

just thinking about all the good things we gonna do...

Thank you.

Hey, are you even up for this?

Don't worry, I've been pretending to be okay for two years.

I can do it for a few more minutes.

Honey! Honey! Whoa! Somebody got turnt.

It's okay. It's okay.

Uh, yeah, yeah. So, well, we're gonna get you some coffee, okay, sweetie?

Okay.

Some water? Yeah, water, too.

Yeah.

Listen, I've been out of the game for a minute,

and I don't know what these young girls are doing out here

to handle all that.

But I'm not on that train.

Come on now, Lisa.

I ain't never known you to back down from a challenge.

I know.

Just grapefruit him. What?

Y'all ain't never grapefruited before?

No.

But I'm listening.

What you wanna do is,

you get a grapefruit, right? Okay.

And you cut both ends off, as so.

Then you cut a hole in the middle, like this.

Like a nice little tunnel.

And then you place that on his penis

like this.

Oh. Oh. Okay. Like that, right?

Now, you wanna squeeze, and twist,

and suck, so then it feels like he's getting fucked and sucked

all at the same time.

It's like this.

You might choke just a little bit because that make him feel like a man.

Like he killing your shit.

Dude, this is tickling my throat.

Hmm.

Now, you never ever wanna do this with a pineapple.

I almost died.

Sasha, tell me the truth. Do you think this color's too much?

It's barely enough. It's beautiful.

Ryan and Stewart Pierce.

Give it up for Ne-Yo!

It's always a beautiful and energetic crowd

when you come to the Essence Fest.

Miss Terry McMillan.

People, period. But beautiful black people,

you know what I mean? That's what you come for.

You come to celebrate your blackness.

Morris Chestnut!

Ava DuVernay!

What is "black girl magic"?

It feels like a reminder, it feels like a rallying call,

it feels like a term of endearment.

Make sure to keep stirring so this crawfish doesn't overcook.

Oh, yeah, because we cannot have that, y'all.

I'm so sorry! You kissing the air, girl.

I guess that chapter in your book is right.

"The couple who cooks together, stays together."

So cute. They're so cute!

Couldn't have said it better myself.

That's true.

She on some Academy Award shit with this performance.

Aw, Sasha, marriage is tricky.

She still loves Stewart. They're just going through a rough patch.

And you can see, there are a lot of different peppers and colors...

Oh, no, this bitch didn't. What?

Oh, this heifer.

Dina, don't.

I'm just gonna whip her ass!

Why don't we invite someone from our audience to come up and have a taste?

Ooh, I'll do it.

Oh, you in the red, I saw you first!

Oh, hell no! Let's go!

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait!

Right here.

Oh, wow.

This bitch think she can just be up in here,

doing whatever the fuck she wants.

All right! Looks like we have a few eager volunteers!

Come on up, girls.

More the merrier.

I got her, Ry.

Mmm, this looks so delicious.

But I could use some extra sausage.

Oh, really?

You wanna be careful with that.

You don't wanna choke on too much sausage.

I'm good, I don't have a gag reflex.

Ooh, this bitch wanna get hurt!

Are they still talking about jambalaya?

Um, uh, yeah, it's colloquial.

Um, "Put your foot in it."

"So good, makes you wanna slap your mama."

"Bitch gonna get hurt."

Got it.

You know what,

since we've got a true sausage connoisseur,

why don't we show her and you guys everything you can do with a sausage?

Ah!

Now, what do we have here? A cleaver.

Ah, so, let's take this cleaver...

That's a big cleaver, baby.

You should be careful with that.

Well, you know what, baby?

I'm always careful.

Mmm-hmm.

Show him who's boss, girl!

Ooh. Ooh!

You don't want any part of this sausage not being cut!

Isn't that right, Stew?

Well, what is this?

There's nothing better

than a tender sausage who knows who's in charge!

Right, baby? She's the boss.

Ooh, girl!

Girl, put your back into it! Bash that meat.

If your arms ain't tired, you ain't been cooking!

Who knew!

Kitchen shears.

This is an under-utilized utensil in the kitchen.

Well, I'm gonna take this under-utilized tool,

and I'm gonna put it on this over-utilized sausage.

What does that look like, hanging like that, to you?

I don't know, but we gonna cut it off today.

Oh, my God! Ryan's a hoot.

She is a hoot. Yes.

She's a hoot!

What the fuck is going on?

I'm still waiting on my sausage.

Oh, wait, here, have some of mine.

Gagging? You gagging?

Now that, my friends, is the essence of cooking.

That was fucking amazing!

The crowd loved it, Bethany loved it!

Were those your girls? I thought there was only three.

Who's the hottie with the badunkadunk?

The junk in the trunk?

That can had its own soundtrack. Am I right?

She's nobody. I've never seen her before.

Oh, crap. I gotta go get her number because she was amazing, she's worth it.

No!

Okay, okay. Okay.

You know what? It's better if it's improvised, anyway.

Stewart, there is a reporter out there who is a big football fan.

Can I just borrow you for a minute?

Ooh, so tense, real tight.

Come on, buddy, loosen it up.

I am strong.

I am powerful, I am beautiful.

I am strong.

Powerful...

I am beautiful.

I am... I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am beautiful.

I am strong, I am powerful,

I am beautiful. I am strong...

You good, Ry?

Yeah, I'm good.

All in a day's work, right?

Thanks for having my back up there.

Of course.

Ry, you can't keep pretending that this photo doesn't exist.

It's gonna get out there.

It's all fair game in journalism.

Journalism? Is that what this is?

Fine. You just keep handling your business.

You been doing such a great job thus far.

All right.

Fine.

What do you think I should do?

Well, first of all,

let me find out if anyone else has the photo.

And if not, let me leak it.

Are you crazy? No, I am in the middle of a deal.

I cannot have pictures of him kissing another woman on your site.

No! Hear me out.

If I leak it, you can get in front of it.

Steer the conversation

instead of letting TMZ write their own bullshit spin on it.

You find the right angle, you minimize the damage.

Okay, just let me think about it.

All right? And let me talk to a few people first.

Let me just run it by them.

Can you stall them for a little bit longer?

I got you.

Thank you, Sasha.

Of course.

I got Muslim oils, Christian oils! I got poodle oils!

I got ball sprays.

Everybody got a drink, I need a drink!

- Authentic hurricanes! - Two for $25!

Over here! Here we go. Here we go.

I got something for the kids!

Two for $25? $25.

Baby, baby, baby! Hey, hey, hey, beautiful!

Right here, come on, baby! Me?

Yeah, right here.

Bye, he call me beautiful. I'm beautiful now, huh?

Ooh! Lord! Lord!

Hi! Hey! Got to be careful.

Listen, I got a look,

I see you over there chasing them hurricanes.

I got the best thing in New Orleans right here.

What's that?

Look at that right there.

What the fuck is that?

Ooh! This is 200-year-old wormwood absinthe.

Green Fairy.

I want it, give it to me.

Hey, hey, hey! Calm down now! You don't know what you're getting into.

This stuff right here come with instructions, okay?

Well, I don't give a fuck. That shit is green, shiny,

and looks like it will have me hella bent. I want it!

Yes, but you're only supposed to take a splash of this, young lady,

because if you drink too much of it, it's gonna have you hallucinating.

All right, that's cool with me.

Now, look, that whole bottle will last you for five years, all right?

Okay, five months, got it. No, no!

Did you hear what I just said?

Five years. You're not listening to what I'm saying.

Okay, five days.

This will be used very irresponsibly. Thank you!

Young lady... Sasha!

You about to be a mental health patient with a fat ass.

Oils, incense! I got coochie spray!

Ooh! Damn!

Oh, that's a good one.

You know what? You guys shouldn't be in the grass.

You know you're allergic to grass.

Left hand red.

Okay. I'm about to go see a man sing. Oh, have fun!

Hi, guys!

Hey, Auntie Ry-Ry!

Bye, guys!

I love you!

Bye, Mama!

Oh, they're so cute.

I miss them.

Mmm-hmm. You know what?

Have you and Stewart thought about having a family?

I mean,

kids have a way of bringing people closer together.

They definitely have a way of changing men.

Mmm. Yeah, made your husband change his address!

We've talked about it, yeah.

I'm just so focused on my career right now.

I get it, but don't wait too long

because nobody's gonna love you like your babies.

Hey! Is this the Flossy Posse suite?

Yes, it is! Did you guys get my succulent?

Who is you?

Oh, hi. Liz Davelli, I'm Ryan's agent.

Hey! Hi! Hey!

Welcome! You made it.

Ah, I did! I did!

Oh, my lady, my queen! Real quick. Yes?

Bethany wants to spend a little one-on-one

with you and Stewart at the Cîroc party. Okay.

I know you're with the F to the P.

But just give her 15 minutes.

Inspire her to add a zero to the deal.

Of course, yes!

Hey, how about we have a toast?

Ooh, are these hurricanes?

Fuck a hurricane, girl. These are tsunamis!

Ooh! I'm scared!

To Friday night, Flossy Posse style!

For real, though! Mmm.

Whoa.

I feel funny. Do y'all feel funny?

You feel funny? I feel...

I feel fine!

I feel so fine! Feel me. Go on and feel me.

You want me to feel you?

Feel me, yeah...

Ooh, yeah!

Yeah!

You feel squishy.

Oh, shit!

We tripping.

We tripping. We tripping?

We tripping!

Wait a minute! Hold up, stop!

You.

You put something in them drinks, didn't you?

Yeah.

We gonna be fucked up!

Y'all, it's not funny. If we tripping,

Ryan's tripping, and she's with Bethany!

Oh, shit!

Yeah. Ooh!

Ah!

I have to tell you that I loved your cooking demo today.

Yeah, the way that you two play off each other...

It's so much fun.

So much fun. Yeah!

Listen, how about this?

Cheers to fun!

She's so funny!

Yeah! Cheers! Whoo!

Oh...

That's a terrible drink.

Oh, man, I'm gonna have that taken off the check.

Did you taste that? The Verbena?

It's hot.

It burns.

Okay, look, we gotta go save Ryan.

Mommy!

Did y'all hear that?

Oh, shit!

Austin?

Riley?

Your damn kids is here?

Oh, shit! You coming to get me, God?

Those bitches left me.

Hey, Mommy!

Are you having fun?

I am having fun, but you have to go to bed.

I'm ready for bed.

Sasha Franklin.

Sasha's Secrets.

I really, really love your blog.

Mmm.

Why won't it come off?

How may I help you?

What is she doing here?

She's here to take your order.

Oh, yeah?

Oh!

What can I get you?

You can get your mouth off my husband's dick!

Please?

Oh, hey, hey.

Is that a drink? I want one.

Um, actually, let's get a round for the table,

and put it on my card.

Go! You got it!

Coming right up.

Oh, you wanna smirk?

Oh, so you wanna get fucked up?

And don't think I don't see that "Suck Cock" written on your shirt!

Did her shirt say "Suck Cock"?

Buddy...

Ooh, shit! Don't choke her too hard.

There we go! Yeah!

Get in those! Get in those! Yeah!

Ooh! Yeah! Yes!

Please, I wanna be rough because you've been a bad boy!

Yeah! Yeah!

Bite it, bite it, bite it!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, shit!

What? Hey!

We gotta save Ryan!

Yeah, but she's so far away.

What are we gonna do? Yeah.

We need Plan B.

What's Plan B?

Yeah, what's Plan B?

What are you guys doing here?

I'm not really sure what's going on here.

My apologies, Bethany.

Ryan has been taking some new allergy medicine,

and it's having some side effects.

Psst.

Quiet as a cat. Ryan, we gotta go right now.

The tsunami has hit.

I repeat, the tsunami has hit.

Please excuse us.

Couch on my head...

My date will pay the check. Okay.

You may settle up with him.

Oh. Ooh.

That is a beautiful dress. Is that a dress?

Bye!

Come on, baby.

Please... Join us.

Liz Davelli.

Pretty hair.

I can't believe Bethany just saw me like this.

We need to hide.

You know she won't find you in there.

Oh, yeah. Let's dance this shit off.

'Cause I gotta keep a low profile.

Mmm. It smells like Hennessy and booty sweat up in here!

We done found our tribe.

Come on, bitches, let's set it off.

Do that shit, Dina. What!

Girl, look at these old bitches.

Hey! Hold up, hold up, hold up!

Y'all, come on!

All right!

Come on! What you sayin'?

That's real ass.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Bye.

Yeah, baby!

I slipped. I think I pulled a big toe.

That's all right.

- Man, we owned that ho. - Owned that ho!

Not this.

You know what, I'm sure everyone is expecting me to beat your ass.

Please beat her ass.

But I'm coming from a place of love tonight.

And you have a hallucinogenic drug to thank for that.

But mine wore off. So what's up?

Lisa! See that, bitch?

I said I got kids.

Bitch, I'm about to fuck you up!

Here I come!

Cops! Cops! Come on, it's the cops!

Sorry.

Hey, hey, hey. What's going on here?

Officer, it was four women in multicolored wigs

who started the whole thing. But they're still in there.

So, please hurry!

Shit!

Ryan!

Julian!

Flossy Posse strikes again, huh?

- Julian. - Good Lord!

How did you find us?

I have superpowers.

You must.

Yeah. Or maybe, uh...

Maybe it was this text you sent me.

Julian, we're lost in space!

I'm not...

You got me showing my titties to Julian.

You all need to see these Biggie Smalls...

Oh, my God!

I definitely do not remember making that.

I think Dina was right about her Biggie Smalls.

Burned in the brain.

Thanks, Julian. That's what all the boys say.

Julian, have you heard of that record that goes,

"Bitch! Bitch! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Bitch!

"Bitch! Bitch! Motherfucker! That's my shit! That's my new shit!"

That's misogynistic. We don't like it.

All right, ladies. You have a great evening.

Ju-Ju. Thank you, baby.

Sash, I got you, babe. You know that.

Ooh! Now, take it easy, Lis.

Yeah. Take it easy.

Thank you, Julian. You're welcome.

Thanks, bruh. Thank you!

My girl. My boy. All right.

Ry, you okay?

Oh, yeah. I'll just be pouring my own drinks

for the rest of the weekend, that's all.

That sounds like a good plan. Yeah, I think so.

Thanks for everything, though.

Anytime. You know that.

Um...

All right, so...

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Hmm? Good night.

Oh, yes. Yep.

Morning like, you know?

Yeah.

Ha!

Hey, look, she had it comin'.

She was trippin'.

She was! I'm just happy Freaknik Lisa is back.

Hey. Right?

Too bad all that pent-up energy is going to waste.

Mmm-hmm.

What was that, Sasha?

What was that you were saying about pent-up energy?

You texted him? I did.

Never doubt.

Never doubt a boss.

Because I slay

I slay, I slay, all day

All day, all day, all day, I slay

Have a good evening, ladies.

You, too.

Yes, hunty! Yes!

Just give in when he starts smashing them organs up.

He's gonna knock the cobwebs off that thing, you understand me?

Oh, do you remember when life was that simple?

All you wanted was just to like a guy enough to wanna give him some.

Mmm-hmm. That's all we worried about. That, and being broke.

Hmm. Those problems are behind us, thank God.

For real.

I miss you, Sasha. I really do.

I miss you, too.

We were gonna take over the world together.

Yeah, we didn't quite get around to that, did we?

I just hate seeing you chasing that celebrity bullshit.

You are so much better than that.

I'm good. I'm handling mine.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No, I know.

You know, Ryan, you don't have to keep pretending like you have it all.

I know you wanna help people. You always have,

but maybe you would help them more if you just tell them the truth.

That this shit is hard.

If I had your strength, Sash, maybe I would. But...

I'm not that girl anymore.

Y'all heifers about to kiss now, or what?

Jesus, get a room!

The beaver has cut down the tree!

Wow. Yes!

About time.

She needed some.

All right, girl, that's what I'm talkin' about!

What's she gonna do with the grapefruit?

She about to grapefruit him.

What is that? You've never grapefruited?

No, Dina.

Girl... Dina...

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Oh, my God.

He is a monster with it.

I ain't never use two grapefruits,

but wait, let's listen, let's listen, let's listen.

Five, four,

three, two, one!

Lisa! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

I'm gonna get the water. The water will wash it out real quick.

What'd she do? Bite it off?

I got grapefruit juice in the peepee hole. I need a first aid kit.

Lisa! It burns!

Oh, my God, I think I left it in my bag.

My dick is on fire!

All I have is eye wash. Oh, my God!

My dick is on fire, Lisa! Okay, just calm down.

I got some cooling cream.

I got some aloe.

Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry! Do something!

It was my first time! You said you were a nurse!

You said you were a nurse! It was an experiment!

I wanted to try something new! Oh, my God.

What happened to a normal blowjob?

Ooh, that's that Shaka Zulu right there.

I got some aloe. Girl...

What kind of freaky, old-school shit is this?

I'm working on it. I will have it to you by the end of the weekend.

And it's good. It's good.

I'm talking about "Caitlyn Jenner pregnant by Tiger" good.

Photos to come.

Sasha! Let's go!

You don't need no man right now or anything.

You two have built an incredible brand.

We think that Ryan and Stewart can be to Best Mart

what Martha Stewart is to K-Mart. But bigger.

Really?

Bottom line is that you two give people hope.

That you can have it all.

And we want in.

That's fantastic.

It is.

It is, but let's be honest. It's, uh, all about the offer.

Holy shit!

I mean, it's a very good start.

I'll convene with my team, and we'll get back to you.

Sounds good. Gentlemen?

Ryan? Yes. Thank you, Bethany.

Stewart. Thank you.

Thank you! That's smart.

Get it, get it, get it!

Cheers!

Hey, Sasha, you think your paparazzi guy would sell the photo to me?

We could bury that shit and just move forward?

Yeah. I mean, I can find out. Why? What's going on?

Well, ladies, Stew and I talked today,

and I really think our marriage is gonna get back on track.

Oh!

So, you gonna take that community penis back.

Look, y'all, men have egos.

His was deflated. Retiring, it screwed him up.

And you know how men are. Rudderless, needing a purpose.

All right. Used, but not broken.

Well, cheers to that.

Cheers to that part, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, look, there goes Julian.

I see you, Julian. I see you, boy.

He is killing the bass.

I'm serious. You were so good.

Well, thank you.

Like, I can't... I can't even...

Stop it. Stop it. I know, I can't believe it.

You know how far you've come from when you used to make

the slow jam mixtapes, back in the day.

The J Slow Jam Mixtape.

J Slow Jam.

Those were legendary.

They were. I'm not gonna front. They were.

Yes. I'm just, you know, working on my craft.

Wow, I can tell. Did you see those ladies?

They were going crazy for you.

I can see why you're not married.

Oh. Oh, so now you wanna analyze me, Dr. Pierce?

Is that what we're doing? No. I am serious, though.

No, be honest. Come on, come on, what is it you got?

Commitment issues? Restless soul? Oh, come on.

Look. Tortured artist... Why do I gotta be tortured?

...who only has time for his music? No.

Or is it just too much ass to pass up?

Truthfully? Don't lie.

It's a whole lot of ass out there.

No, no. No, listen.

Just be honest. What is it?

I haven't found my equal yet.

If the right woman came along,

I'm 100% in.

I mean... Come on.

They don't wanna hear you talk. That's true.

Where you think you going?

To get your ass kicked again?

I need to talk to Ryan.

That's not gonna happen. Let's go.

How'd you know she was here, anyway?

Fuck. I gotta get a new line of work.

All right, I'll deliver your message. What's up?

I just found out. I'm pregnant.

And before you even insult me, yes, it's Stewart's.

Does he know?

I told him, and now this motherfucker

won't return any of my calls or texts.

Aw. Let me go find a tear to shed for you.

I don't need your shade, okay? That's not why I came here.

Well, why did you come here?

Because I didn't make this baby by myself.

Bottom line,

I need Stewart to call me back within the next 24 hours, or I will go public.

And I might be willing to spill this tea on your little site.

Give the exclusive to Sasha's Secrets.

And I have pictures. Nasty, freaky pictures, too.

Think it over.

What was that about?

Oh, you can tell you got a eye for sweet...

Listen, I got a eye for it all. Trust me. Yeah, you do.

Hey, what up, y'all?

What's wrong?

I tried everything.

I went to all the top specialists.

I tried every fertility treatment on the market, and...

Nothing.

She gave him what I couldn't.

Why didn't you tell us

that you were having a problem getting pregnant?

Because I was embarrassed.

I didn't want anyone to know.

Look what I did.

That's their baby.

I took a pug, and I put that with Stewart, and made this bitch baby.

And they can have that little bitch ass baby.

It's gonna have a big old booty,

and a ugly ass face, just like his momma.

Look, and then I made a variety of babies,

in case they decide to have a litter of bitch babies.

Little Pound Puppies.

They gonna make a ugly ass bitch baby. You understand me?

I love you.

Look at that baby, looks like it licks its own ass.

That's how ugly their baby is.

That one...

It's an ugly ass baby, ain't it?

It's Stewart.

The hell?

Ryan,

please, let me in.

What he want?

Let him in.

You a piece of shit.

We need to talk.

Alone.

There ain't nothin' you need to say to her

that you can't say in front of us.

Mmm-hmm.

It's okay. It's okay.

We'll wait for you downstairs.

Here, take my stun gun.

Now, this button right here, it raises the voltage of it.

As a matter of fact, you know what, fuck it.

I'm gonna just leave it on high, all right?

Just tag him right in the balls if he do something.

Both balls. Dick, too.

I spoke with Simone.

She agreed to sign an NDA

in exchange for a monthly payment for her and the baby.

I could

kill you.

I am so furious right now.

And you have every right to be.

Do you even love me anymore?

Of course I do.

I made a terrible mistake.

I know you can't trust me as your husband anymore.

But you can trust me as your partner.

This deal will set us up for life.

But we can't do it apart.

Ryan without Stewart

doesn't have it all.

I just hope she kicked his cheating ass out

and tagged his dick skin until it fried like bacon.

Damn, Lis, I thought you wanted them to work it out.

Yeah, well, I changed my mind as soon as I saw his arrogant face,

so fuck him and that disaster of a woman he impregnated.

- Amen. - Mmm-hmm.

Unbelievable, and she's been up there too long.

What the hell's going on?

What in the...

Damn! The fuck?

The fuck?

Why is she doing that?

Really, though?

What the fuck? Damn!

Are you staying with him?

Stew figured out a way to handle the Simone situation,

so it's gonna be fine.

Oh, wait, no, hold up. Stop. Wait.

So, he dickmatized you that quick?

Dina, he's my husband.

He's not some guy in a bathroom stall.

I'm not just gonna throw everything away.

You know what, Ry, I get it.

Because when I was leaving Terrence,

I was terrified.

I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it on my own.

But I've been figuring it out. You will, too.

I'll help you.

Lisa, that's sweet, but I'm not like you.

You don't understand, I can't live with my mother.

Well, what is wrong with living with your mother?

I love my mother.

You don't get it, you all can't get it.

You're not in my world. You don't live my life!

I can't just walk away from that.

I give people hope, I don't have a choice.

Where's your hope? This is you choosing,

and this choice is diminishing you.

Diminishing me?

Says the woman who chooses to talk shit about people for a living?

Way to use that journalism degree, Sash.

Look, I gotta pay bills, and, for the record...

I have multiple degrees.

Then use one of them. How can you go and tell me to use them?

All right! Let's have a time-out.

Just a little breather, and just take a moment.

Yes, hello!

- They trippin'. - Ryan, have you seen it?

What? Oh, shit!

Fucking Simone! Is that that bitch from the demo?

Wait. Have you been on the Internet?

It's a disaster! It's just a shitshow.

All right. But I'm gonna fix it.

Oh, hell no.

You!

Conniving! You are sneaky! How could you do that?

You think I did this?

I didn't do this! Simone must have!

Simone, who you were huddled up, talking to in the corner?

Huh? That Simone?

Wait, what did you do?

Did you sell it to another site to cover your tracks?

Are you serious? 'Cause, you know what, I know you're broke!

I see you hiding your tags in your shirt.

We all see it. I'm not stupid!

Yeah. Yeah, it happens.

You know, I shop at Goodwill.

You know, Nordstrom do take stuff back,

that's what's so cool about Nordstrom.

Congratulations, Sash. You know what, I really hope it was worth it.

You know what? Hey! Hey!

The fucking thought did cross my mind.

But I would never play you out like that for some money.

The problem is you never valued

our friendship as much as I did.

How could you say that?

You are like a sister to me! I have always treated you...

This how you treat a sister? I quit my job at The Times

to get our website off the ground. I hired a designer!

And what did you do? What'd you do, sis?

You left me high and dry!

Because you thought that you could get more success with Stewart!

Why you think I'm doing this bullshit gossip blog anyway?

And not once did you apologize!

If you would've told me no, I wouldn't have done it!

You should've spoken up!

How the fuck do I compete with pillow talk?

Dickmatized, just like she said.

Well, you could have said no, though.

Dina, nobody asked you!

Sasha, just listen to Ryan for a second.

She's just trying to explain! Stop it! Stop it!

I should know better than to expect

y'all two to have my back anyway.

See, I know how it works in this circle, we got the Queen Bee,

and we got her two little worker bees.

Worker bee? Bitch, who you talking about a worker bee?

I'm my own bee!

You take that shit back!

Take that shit back! I'm not taking it back!

All right, stop! Just everybody take a time-out!

Pull it back! Time-out!

Why don't you shut the fuck up,

and stop talking to us like we one of your kids?

Wait a minute. You better pause,

and stop acting like one of my kids! How about that?

Put some clothes on. How could you do it?

Stop getting trashed every night,

and fucking random dick every week!

You just got some random dick, and your ass got real loose!

And let me tell you something, bitch!

Just because he got a big dick,

don't make him a grown man with your pedophile ass!

You know what? Have it!

I don't even know why I'm here with yo' ass!

You need to change that stank ass attitude of yours,

or your ass gonna end up with the clap!

Bitch, please! Clap, been there, done that, had that!

Excuse me!

And I'm immune to the shit!

Bitch, I'll clap your ass up out of here!

Fuck you, Lisa!

And fuck both of y'all, too!

With your raggedy fake asses! Both of y'all bitches is fake!

You don't even know a real friend when you see one!

You know what? You know what? Here!

Give Lisa back her raggedy-ass phone!

Wait, hold up, hold up! Here!

Because I don't need you calling

the police on me, take your card!

And, yes, I maxed that motherfucker out with your low-ass balance!

Stupid-ass! And I don't need you talking shit or calling me.

Here! Take your driver's license, so you can get on the plane

with your nasty-ass, dirty-ass, nasty-ass husband

that fuck Instagram bitches!

You're gonna mess around and get the clap, bitch!

I can't believe you motherfuckers!

So, I'm gonna fuck me a motherfucking celebrity!

Stupid-ass bitches, I hate y'all!

And I love you, but I hate you, bitch!

Are you happy, Sash?

Hmm?

You have ruined my life

and 20 years of friendship.

You know what? Fuck all of y'all!

I know I've done a few foul things in my life, but I would never do that.

I did not do this.

My friends would know that.

Fucking real friends.

Bombshell, folks. It looks like America's favorite couple

has got a third party wedging her way into their house of love.

This recent picture has emerged

of Ryan Pierce's husband, Stewart,

getting cozy with an Instagram model

by the name of Simone, no last name given.

You know, this is a tough situation

even for renowned relationship expert Ryan.

If I will it, I can have it all.

Let's hope for the best for this stunning couple.

Can I get a refill, please?

Hey. Hey.

Look, I'm really sorry for what I said.

I did not mean any of it.

I know y'all keep me around for laughs,

but I love you heifers.

I would die for every last one of you.

I know you would.

And you know what? You are one of the most loyal,

fiercest, most honest friend we have.

We are so lucky to have you.

You're right.

Y'all very lucky.

Very, very lucky.

Very lucky.

I love you. I love you, too.

Oh!

For years now, I've been posting

unflattering photos and headlines

about anyone who would get more hits to my site.

I did this without regard for their privacy,

their dignity, or their humanity.

Ryan!

But when someone close to you gets hurt,

it forces you to realize that these are not just photos,

they're not just words.

They affect real people with real feelings that feel real pain,

just like everybody else.

And the fact that those closest to me would question my character

has led me to the decision that

I no longer want to be part of a process

that tears people down for profit.

The photo is doctored. You refused to give an interview,

they became vindictive...

So from this moment on, Sasha's Secrets is no more.

I am strong, I am powerful, I'm beautiful...

This will be my final post.

I am strong, I'm powerful, I'm beautiful...

And to anyone out there who I've hurt...

I truly am sorry.

So, you're just gonna drop the mic

on the blog, and bounce like that?

Thought it'd be best that way.

Sasha, how could you ever think that?

Look, I know it may be hard to believe, but I didn't do it.

Simone hired her own photographer

to take them pictures and sell them to TMZ.

And you don't think we don't know that? Come on.

But you wasn't acting like it.

Look, I just want things to be the way they were.

Shit! Bitch, we all do.

Yep.

Find me a time machine where we can

go back to living in a dorm together,

eating Top Ramen, drinking Mad Dog 20/20, and I am there.

But we're some grown-ass women now, and we got shit to do.

So, buckle up, bitch, 'cause we ain't lettin' you go.

You comin' with us. You ain't going nowhere.

Come on.

Yo, Ryan's speech is supposed to start in 20 minutes.

We're not gonna make it.

Oh, yes, we are. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Let's go. We're gonna hoof this one.

Why? Let's do this.

Dina, come on. Come on! Come on!

I don't wanna be running in this heat.

Dina, come on. Come on.

Come on, we gotta make it.

Quit whining. Come on.

This ain't no Woman's March. I don't wanna be walking.

Ladies and gentlemen, Hall of Fame candidate, Stewart Pierce.

Thank you!

Thank you! Hello, Essence!

All right.

How much further? Shit! My bunion is killing me.

We old as fuck!

Oh, I ain't old. I'm just tired as hell.

Oh, look, man bun!

Wait! Hey, wait! Man bun!

It is my honor and privilege

to introduce this year's Essence keynote speaker.

Please welcome my rock.

You got this, Ryan.

The woman I am proud to call my wife,

Ryan Pierce.

Hey, baby. Knock 'em dead.

Oh, wow.

Thank you. Thank you.

You make a right, right here. No, actually, make a left.

Oh, my goodness. Please watch out for that car.

Jesus! That bump!

Sir, faster, faster, faster! We need to get there.

Ooh. Yes, yes!

Oh, slow down, baby. Slow down, baby.

Oh, you know what! Come on, girl!

Yeah! You must be a butcher. You got them meats.

Thank you, boo. Thank you.

Now, you call me, okay? You call me.

Let's go.

I might be pregnant right now. Okay, let's get running.

As most of you know,

there have been many questions about the status of my marriage.

And I would like to put those rumors to rest.

The picture that surfaced this morning isn't real.

All allegations of infidelity are false.

My husband and I remain in a loving, faithful marriage.

In fact...

Yes! Thank you!

Step back, fool!

Dina, I don't know what...

Oh, God.

Um...

Go ahead, Ryan.

Don't mind us.

Um, in fact,

our marriage

is stronger than ever.

Come on, Ry.

The foundation...

The foundation of...

I'm sorry. Um...

My agent wrote a very convincing statement for me to read to you.

No! No! No!

And I really thought that I could go through with it.

Because I have done such

a great job of pretending so many times before.

But

there are some people,

when you see them,

you just can't pretend anymore.

Because they know you.

The real you.

And maybe that's why you avoided seeing them

for so long.

I'm sorry.

Uh...

I'm not perfect.

I do not have it all.

In fact, my life is all kinds of screwed up.

All right, maybe we should take... Sit your ass down!

Now!

Yes! That part!

Finally!

Yeah, finally!

The picture is real.

My husband is having an affair.

When I first found out, I...

Well, I felt a lot of things.

Betrayal, anger, heartache.

But mostly, fear.

Fear that my marriage was ending, and that I would be alone.

And I was terrified of that.

So terrified that

I was willing to stay with someone who betrayed my trust.

So terrified that

I was willing to accept being treated as less than I am.

And I know I'm not alone in this.

I know that there are a lot of us who stay in bad relationships

because we have convinced ourselves

that being disrespected is better than being alone.

But we shouldn't fear being alone.

Because there is power in rediscovering your own voice.

And I had forgotten that.

I forgot that years before I was Stewart's wife,

I was Ryan.

A girl with her own ambitions and her own dreams.

But luckily,

my girls...

My girls

reminded me of that.

Flossy Posse.

They reminded me of my own worth.

- Damn right. - Yep.

And that there was a time that I didn't fear anything.

No one has the power to shatter your dreams

unless you give it to them.

And I refuse to give anyone that power again.

If anything,

I hope that me revealing my truth

inspires you to realize your own.

Thank you for listening.

We love you, Ry!

We love you, Ryan!

Flossy Posse!

We love you, girl!

Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean any of what I said earlier. I was just so...

It's okay.

It's okay. You were so wonderful up there, so brave.

That was amazing.

We love you. None of that matters.

I love you too, Lis.

You my bitch for life!

I'm proud of you, boo.

Ryan...

I would never hurt you.

You have to believe me. I know.

I know.

Hug it out!

- Hug it out! - Yeah!

Flossy Posse! Flossy Posse!

You were so good up there.

And look what I brought you

Oh!

Yes. Come on, come on.

Look at that.

Flossy Posse...

Back in the house!

Flossy Posse, back in the house!

Flossy Posse, back in the house!

Flossy Posse, back in the house!

Liz... Wait.

There's something I need to tell you.

It's Bethany, she...

Oh, God, not this shit again.

Speak, woman.

She still wants to do the deal!

Yes!

What?

But with just you.

Yes! Even better. Even better!

It turns out, single women are an even bigger market. Hello?

I'll do it.

I just have one condition.

Hmm. Huh? What?

Sasha, I want you to be my partner.

Are you serious?

I'm so serious.

Don't play with me.

I'm serious as a heart attack.

Yes, I'll be your partner!

Yes!

Yes!

Bring it in!

We gonna be rich! We gonna be rich!

Let's go!

Come on, ladies.

Every group of friends has that one experience

that no matter where you are, you carry it with you for life.

We're a little older, a little wiser,

and we're still the baddest chicks in the game.

I don't know what the future will bring.

Is hip-hop in the building or what?

Love or heartbreak, joy or pain,

but right now, it's bright.

And the one thing I know for sure is my girls will be there.

No matter who else steps in the picture,

my girls are my constant.

They give me the permission to be who I am.

And I am going to be me.

We're going to be us.

Loving, laughing,

worthy,

magical

us.

The Flossy Posse is back!

You took a picture of it? Girl, let us see it.

That is a beautiful penis.

I smashed all over that thing.

I just wanna make that my wallpaper.

And not on my phone.

I wanna be a fly on that wallpaper.