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1
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♪ Through early morning fog
I see ♪
2
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:26,150
♪ Visions ofthe things to be ♪
3
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ The pains that are
withheld for me ♪
4
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:35,243
♪ I realize and I can see ♪
5
00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:41,541
♪ That suicide is painless ♪
6
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,919
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
7
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:51,968
♪ And I can take or leave it
if I please ♪
8
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:59,100
♪ The game of life
is hard to play ♪
9
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,520
♪ I'm gonna lose it anyway ♪
10
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:06,566
♪ The losing card
I'll someday lay ♪
11
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:12,655
♪ So this is all I have to say ♪
12
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:19,203
♪ Suicide is painless ♪
♪ Suicide ♪
13
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:22,206
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
♪ Changes ♪
14
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:28,963
♪ And I can take or leave it
if I please ♪
15
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:35,720
♪ The sword oftime
will pierce our skin ♪
16
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:39,390
♪ It doesn't hurt
when it begins ♪
17
00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:43,478
♪ But as it works
its way on in ♪
18
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:48,775
♪ The pain grows stronger
Watch it grin ♪
19
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,864
♪ Suicide is painless ♪
20
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,618
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
21
00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:05,374
♪ And I can take or leave it
if I please ♪
22
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:11,297
♪ A brave man
once requested me ♪
23
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:15,593
♪ To answer questions
that are key ♪
24
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:20,264
♪ Is it to be or not to be ♪
25
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:24,852
♪ And I replied
"Oh, why ask me" ♪
26
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:31,275
♪ Suicide is painless ♪
27
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,571
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
28
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:41,619
♪ And I can take or leave it
if I please ♪
29
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:50,169
♪ And you can do
the same thing ♪
30
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:56,050
♪ Ifyou please ♪♪
31
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,600
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
32
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:08,896
Radar!
Yes, sir.
33
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,899
Get ahold of Major Burns-
Guess I better call Major Burns
and tell him to put another...
34
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,777
day shift on the night shift.
Hold a couple surgeons over
from the day shift onto night shift.
35
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:18,072
I'll call General Hammond—
Get General Hammond down there
in Seoul. Tell him we gotta have two—
36
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,658
I hope he sends us those
two new surgeons.
We're sure gonna need 'em.
37
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,910
What was that, sir?
I gave everything
to Radar.
38
00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:24,996
What?
39
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,453
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
Huh? Well, uh—
40
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,706
Just because you're a captain,
don't thinkyou run thejoint.
Come on, I wasn't—
41
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,542
I run it.
Yeah, all right.
I'm just supposed to—
42
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,628
I know what you're
supposed to do.
43
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,548
Your driver will be
with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.
44
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,635
[ Whistles ]
45
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,889
Racist.
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention.
46
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:11,769
The following men
report to the departure area:
47
00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:15,314
Carey, Michael S.
Phelps, Robert A.
48
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,359
Colbert-
[ Indistinct ]
49
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,945
Cleaver, Herschell B.
50
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,739
Roosevelt, Charles B.
Bye, ladies. Thankyou.
51
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:29,578
Ralph, Roosevelt D.
Govowska, Theodore G.
52
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:36,002
Uh, 4077th MASH?
This is the jeep, yeah.
53
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,087
All right.
54
00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,716
Okay, let's go, boy.
55
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,804
Get my other bag.
56
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:50,891
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
57
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:16,876
Schermerhorn!
Get that son of a bitch
that just stole myjeep!
58
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,462
Hey, watch where the hell
you're going, will ya?
59
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,590
[ Horn Honks ]
60
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,800
[ Tire Blows Out ]
61
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,098
[ Arguing, Indistinct ]
62
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,515
[ Chattering ]
63
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,065
There you are, sir.
The officers' mess.
64
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,651
Perhaps you would like
to take a small repast?
65
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:27,071
I don't think I could eat
after that ride you gave me.
You want any ofthis?
66
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:30,199
No, thank you, sir.
But I could do with my lunch.
67
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,702
Well, why don't you
come on in with me
and get a sandwich?
68
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,122
I'll follow you
anywhere, sir.
69
00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:48,050
Oh, how about that piece
of scenery, Yankee, huh?
Yes, sir.
70
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:55,266
[ Chattering Continues ]
71
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:09,029
Who are those men?
Friends ofyours, Murrhardt?
72
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,448
No, sir. First time
I've ever seen them.
73
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,492
Well, maybe those are
the replacements, sir.
74
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:17,371
Don't be silly. We're expecting
some really sharp surgeons.
75
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:22,126
Well, I guess theyjust got separated
from their units and looking
for something to eat.
76
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:26,172
They've got a hell of a nerve
coming in here, eating our food.
77
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:29,091
[ Chattering ]
78
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,679
Can I ask you to move over
just a little bit?
Thank you. Ooh.
79
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,639
Be careful.
Yeah.
80
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,184
But you know she's got to use—
I think I'm in love.
81
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:42,438
that pHisoHex soap on her face.
She really has
a very bad complexion.
82
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:46,692
[ Chattering ]
Uh— Uh,
83
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:50,821
well, you see, the truth is,
Lieutenant, I don't have
anything to do tonight.
84
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:54,700
I just got into town,
and, uh, well,
85
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,744
I thought maybe
you could show me around.
86
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,205
Captain, I think ifyou'll
notice the lieutenant's
beautiful hand,
87
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:02,708
she is definitely married.
88
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,920
Well, I'm the commanding officer,
and I'm going to get
to the bottom ofthis.
89
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,005
Boy, Bandini,
they're eating here...
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention.
90
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:13,010
because they want to.
Attention, Captain Murrhardt-
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
91
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:18,057
You men just passing through?
I was just enjoying
that lovely dish there.
92
00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:22,561
Uh, Captain, you are speaking
about a lieutenant in
the United States Army.
93
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:26,357
And I'm Colonel Blake.
Oh, Colonel.
94
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:29,193
I'm, uh, Duke Forrest,
your new cutter.
That's my driver.
95
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,363
Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
[ Whistles ]
96
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,365
[ Hawkeye ]
Are you leaving?
[ Woman ] Yes, I am.
97
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,910
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
Good afternoon,
Captain Hawkeye.
98
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,954
Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
I had a TWX about you.
99
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,249
It seems that you stole a jeep
up at headquarters.
No, no, no, sir.
100
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:46,043
No, I didn't steal a jeep.
No, it's right outside.
Right there.
101
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:50,798
Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest,
don't you know that when you report
to your new duty station,
102
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,300
you go to your
commanding officer
with a copy ofyour orders?
103
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:56,512
Uh, Captain, uh, Pierce,
is it?
Mm-hmm.
104
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,431
Captain Pierce and me
have been boozing all day
and worked up an appetite—
105
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,017
Good, good. You've been
working close to the front.
106
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,229
Now we have our slack periods here,
but when the action starts,
107
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:08,649
you'll get more work in 1 2 hours
than a civilian surgeon—
How many nurses do we have?
108
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,734
Seventeen.
How many nurses
will be on my-
109
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,946
Four.
I'd like to select
this young girl here.
110
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,199
Yes, I think it could be arranged.
And the young girl over here.
The blonde—
111
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,243
Oh, Father Mulcahy.
112
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:23,080
I'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.
This is a Catholic chaplain.
113
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,791
And this is Captain Forrest.
Dago Red.
114
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,127
Dago Red?
Captain Waldowski,
our dental officer.
115
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,087
Better known as
Painless Pole.
116
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:33,424
This is Captain Black,
our anesthesiologist.
I'm the dentist here.
117
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,552
John Black. I'll be
passing gas for you.
Duke? Welcome.
118
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,722
[ All Talking At Once ]
119
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:45,144
Ifyou boys have any problems,
my tent is right—
120
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,813
[ All Talking At Once ]
121
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:52,443
Radar! Oh, Corporal O'Reilly.
Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly.
They call me Radar.
122
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:55,279
You'll be staying in
Major Burns's tent. I'll take
your things over there now.
123
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,407
Get everything out of the jeep.
Don't worry about the jeep.
I'll change the numbers.
124
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,409
Oh, and change the numbers
on thatjeep.
125
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,838
Corporal O'Reilly?
You're not billeting these
enlisted men...
126
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,132
in the officers' area now,
are you?
127
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:18,802
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
128
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,846
Excuse me.
129
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:24,016
I'm working for
my blind brother who can't
afford the trip to Korea.
130
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,143
Don't you trust that man.
He's a mad dog.
131
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:30,356
Unhand me, sir.
Uh, hey, Duke Forrest.
132
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,941
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
133
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,280
[ Whistles ]
134
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,659
Now that one's mine.
135
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,081
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
136
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,459
Hi, fellas.
Who? That one?
137
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,420
[ Whistles ]
Who told you that?
138
00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,882
How do you know that?
[ Man ] "Yea, though I walk
through the valley...
139
00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,260
"of the shadow of death,
140
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:04,473
I will fear no evil,
for 'thoo' are with me."
141
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,433
Thou. Thou art.
142
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,894
Jesus Christ.
What's all that about?
143
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,481
That's Major Burns, sir.
Excuse me.
144
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:17,152
New personnel, Major.
[ Burns ]
Good.
145
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,363
Hi. Hawkeye Pierce.
146
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,782
How do you do?
Uh, Duke Forrest.
147
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,992
Frank Burns.
How are you?
148
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,078
Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
149
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:33,168
"My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness...
150
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,588
and mercy shall follow"-
151
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,882
Uh, what's this here?
152
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,428
This is Ho-Jon.
He's one of our mess hall boys.
I'm teaching him how to read.
153
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,555
[ Duke ]
Oh, is that right? Uh—
154
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:47,766
Reading the Bible, huh?
Now, that's nice.
155
00:12:47,851 --> 00:12:50,978
Listen. I tell you what.
I got a book here.
It's got a lot of pictures in it,
156
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:54,648
and I think it's easier
to learn how to read
when you look at pictures.
157
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,860
- A little adventure— pictures.
- May I leave now, Major?
158
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:01,738
- Sure, Ho-Jon.
- You have fun, you hear?
159
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,366
[ Chattering ]
Yeah, get some suction.
160
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,535
[ Suction Sound ]
161
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,620
Here it is. Here it is.
Suture, Mary.
162
00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:12,416
What kind of sutures
are these?
163
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,961
[ Duke ] I can't see
what the hell I'm doing.
Scorch, I need some more sponge clamps.
164
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,005
[ Scorch ]
Just a minute, Les.
Okay.
165
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:21,800
Give me some big hunks
of sponge or something,
for crying out loud.
166
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,511
Get that thing out ofthere.
You'll have to
use these for now.
167
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,597
Oh, that's bleeding.
That's gotta come out of there.
168
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,558
I can't stop
that bleeding down there.
Come on.
169
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,186
[ Chuckles ]
[ Duke ]
What's so funny?
170
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,272
Nothing, sir. Not a thing.
[ Duke ] Is that true
what I hear about you?
171
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,025
[ Murrhardt ]
Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.
Oh, yeah.
172
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,904
[ Scorch ] He's cute.
Get it out ofthere, man.
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
173
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,867
Here we go.
[ Scorch ]
Captain Pierce, did you call me?
174
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:49,203
No, I didn't,
and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.
175
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,331
I can't really see.
It's like the Mississippi River
down there.
176
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,334
Give me another one.
Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.
I'll tell you that.
177
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,586
I think it's gotta
come out of there.
178
00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:01,590
[ Duke ] Give me a knife.
And give me some more ofthat gauze.
[ Hawkeye ] That thread.
179
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,678
[ Scorch ]
Off the stick, or otherwise?
[ Indistinct ]
180
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,849
[ Duke ]
A big, honey.
It's— You know-
181
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,560
Ready?
I'm ready.
182
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,313
[ Sawing ]
Nurse, you got a clamp,
please?
183
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:18,315
Yes, sir.
184
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:23,612
[ Sawing Continues ]
Scratch my nose.
Just on— There.
185
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,031
A little harder, please.
186
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:30,536
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Attention.
All... noncommissioned off-
187
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:34,414
Attention. Attention.
All noncommissioned officers...
188
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,334
will report for
short arm inspection at 0400.
[ Rattling ]
189
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,419
That is all.
190
00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:45,092
What's that?
That's a "martin-eye," Frank.
191
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,844
Finest kind. We're training
Ho-Jon to be a bartender.
192
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,181
Would you care to imbibe, sir?
I don't drink.
193
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,684
Jesus Christ,
I think he means it.
194
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,770
[ Duke ] I think we've
been had, Hawkeye.
I think you're right, babe.
195
00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,566
I don't think it's right
to involve a boy
who's not 1 7 years old yet.
196
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,985
You go to sleep now?
Yeah.
197
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,153
I go wash clothes.
[ Hawkeye ]
Okay.
198
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,239
Hey, you make a mean martini
there, Ho-Jon.
199
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:09,950
You keep it up, you hear?
[ Chuckles ]
200
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:11,618
[ Door Closes ]
201
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:21,086
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
202
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:24,464
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done
on Earth as it is in heaven."
203
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:27,009
You ever catch
this syndrome before, babe?
204
00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:31,138
[ Frank Continues Praying ]
No. Not with anyone beyond
the age of eight years old, I haven't.
205
00:15:31,222 --> 00:15:35,058
"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
206
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:39,813
For thine is the kingdom
and the power and the glory
forever and ever. Amen."
207
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:43,233
- Amen.
- Amen.
208
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:46,653
And, dear God,
protect our young men
on the field of battle,
209
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,947
that they may return home
to their dear ones.
210
00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:52,909
And, dear God, protect
our supreme commander
on the field...
211
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,704
and our commander in chief
in Washington, D.C.
212
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:59,625
Frank, were you on this
religious kick at home,
or did you crack up over here?
213
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,877
Uh, Frank, how long
does this show go on?
214
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:08,884
It gets longer all the time.
Now I have your soul to pray for
and Captain Pierce's.
215
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,721
[ Hawkeye ]
♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪
216
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,266
♪ Marching as to war ♪
217
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:20,354
[ Hawkeye And Duke ]
♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪
218
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:24,358
♪ Going on before ♪
219
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:28,487
♪ Christ, our royal master ♪
220
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:32,324
♪ Leads against the foe ♪
221
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:36,662
♪ Forward into battle ♪
222
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:40,791
♪ See his banners go ♪
223
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,920
♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪
224
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,507
♪ Marching as to war ♪
225
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:53,095
♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪♪
[ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
226
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,520
[ Leslie ]
Yeah?
[ Blake ] What's the lineup?
227
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,314
[ Leslie ]
Four waiting for surgery,
two waiting for the I.V....
228
00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,858
and two waiting for
the antibiotics to take over.
229
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:10,320
Well, we can probably
handle that if there's
no more choppers. Pickup.
230
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,366
Scissors.
231
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,326
[ Door Opens ]
232
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:19,246
Hi, Wade.
Oh, wait a second.
You can't go in the colonel's office.
233
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:22,165
That's who we're looking for, babe.
Henry, you've gotta do something.
234
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,835
We have stuck it out
for a whole week now.
Pretty girl, eh?
235
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:28,714
Yeah, she kinda
grows on you.
Uh, what is it, men?
236
00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:32,008
That sky pilot.
You have got to
get him out of our tent.
237
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:34,636
Your tent?
Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
238
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,097
She doesn't look like
the kind keep you awake
all night praying.
239
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:42,269
I've been in the army a long time.
I know what you guys are trying to pull,
but you're not going to push me around.
240
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,021
Oh, now, Henry.
Henry, not for the world
would I push you around.
241
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,524
But look. There is one
more thing, now that
you're talking about it.
242
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,819
We need a chest cutter.
Yeah, we gotta get an A1
chest cutter in here quick, Henry,
243
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,946
or we're gonna be in
a hell of a lot oftrouble.
244
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,699
[ Henry ] Forget it.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.
We're not about to get one.
245
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:59,536
[ Radar ] Um, excuse me, sir.
They're behind in the O.R.,
and the pre-op ward is all jammed up.
246
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,913
The helicopters and the, uh,
ambulances are coming in full.
247
00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:04,416
[ Henry ]
You guys are gonna have to
go to work early today.
248
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,127
[ Duke ]
What, add overtime to a 1 2-hour day?
What the hell is that?
249
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,254
The union will raise
all kinds of Cain with you.
250
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:12,007
[ Hawkeye ]
Boy, Henry, you work those kind
of hours, you sure need your rest.
251
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,426
You can't get 'em
with a sky pilotjabbering
to heaven—
252
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,928
[ Henry ]
Major Burns will be
out ofyour tent in 24 hours.
253
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,681
Tell them Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest
are on their way.
254
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,767
[ Hawkeye ]
Henry, there's just
one more thing.
255
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,853
[ Henry ]
I told you Major Burns will be
out ofyour tent in 24 hours.
256
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,938
[ Hawkeye ]
The chest cutter.
[ Henry ] No.
257
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,192
I'll try, damn it.
You can't ask
any more than that.
258
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:41,036
[ Hawkeye Speaking, Indistinct ]
259
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,210
My abdominal operation
was doing fine. It's the head
wound that did him in.
260
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:51,004
[ Duke ] Dish, get over here
and hold this retractor.
Okay.
261
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,965
Now. No-
[ Man ] Dish, let me have
a long needle holder.
262
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:58,261
[ Giving Last Rites In Latin ]
[ Duke ]
Uh, go ahead.
263
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:02,390
[ Speaking Latin ]
[ Duke ]
Dago.
264
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,770
Pull it back, Duke.
Oh, hell. I can't—
265
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,814
Get hold of
the other one.
Dago.
266
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,775
[ Duke ] Dago, I want you over here
to hold this retractor. Now.
Wha— Uh—
267
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,569
Please.
Come on, now.
Yes. I'm sorry, I—
268
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,696
[ Hawkeye ]
Hi, Dago.
Hey, hold on. Don't wiggle it.
269
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,031
My hands—
Just hold on.
270
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,116
[ Hawkeye ]
Clamp.
271
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:25,413
I'm sorry, Dago, but this man
is still alive, and that other man
is dead, and that's a fact.
272
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,624
[ Duke ]
Can you hold it
with two fingers, Dago?
273
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:29,668
Hell. Where the hell—
Do you see it?
274
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:32,254
[ Car Engine Starts, Departs ]
275
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,093
Sergeant, you know
where Hawkeye is?
You mean Captain Pierce?
276
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,596
No, I'd have to look
at the duty roster.
They're in there.
277
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:47,310
[ Hawkeye ] Oh, baby.
[ Dish ] Hawkeye, you've gotta
remember. I'm married.
278
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,271
I'm married. I'm happy.
I love my wife.
279
00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,898
If she was here,
I would be with her.
I'm very happily married.
280
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:56,069
There is no question
of loving anybody.
It is a question only of-
281
00:19:56,153 --> 00:20:00,949
I made a vow to myself
that while I was gone,
I was gonna be—
282
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:03,451
I was gonna be faithful
to my husband.
Sure.
283
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,453
[ Dish Moans ]
284
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,540
[ Hawkeye ]
Those are the vows you make
when you're with somebody.
285
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,625
Hawkeye?
286
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,711
[ Knocks ]
287
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,881
Ho-Jon?
Duke say you better
haul ass home quick.
288
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,884
We got new chest cutter
in our tent.
Okay.
289
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,760
[ Both Chuckle ]
290
00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:25,307
[ Man On P.A. ]
This is Radio Tokyo bringing
you musical interlude...
291
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,018
for your enjoyment.
I'll see you later?
292
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,395
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
293
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:35,525
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
294
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,617
♪ Shoeshine boy ♪
295
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:46,703
♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ]
296
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:08,058
[ Duke ]
That's him.
[ Hawkeye ] Hiya.
297
00:21:08,142 --> 00:21:09,935
I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
298
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:15,023
Yeah. See? That's all
I can get out of him
is he's from "Bahston,"
299
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,400
and he's been
in the army two months.
300
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:21,071
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, that's all.
301
00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:23,073
[ Glasses Clink ]
302
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,375
[ Duke Clears Throat ]
303
00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:37,796
Well, listen, uh,
304
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,674
where were you
when you were drafted?
305
00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:43,176
I was just curious.
306
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,136
[ Clears Throat ]
307
00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:49,599
Back home. I told you before.
No. I mean,
what were you doing?
308
00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:52,686
Were you, like, a resident,
or on staff someplace?
309
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,729
Mmm.
310
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:59,067
Where?
Hospital.
311
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:03,405
- Which hospital?
- Back home.
312
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:06,116
Is there some reason
I shouldn't know
which hospital?
313
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,035
I don't know. I will ask.
314
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:13,081
Is there some reason my friend
should not know the name
ofthe hospital?
315
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:19,129
There doesn't appear
to be any reason.
I've seen you somewhere before.
316
00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:22,632
I don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.
317
00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:25,301
Have you always had
that mustache?
318
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:31,808
Are you a beer drinker, sir,
or would you like to share
a martini with me?
319
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,186
A martini. I— That would be—
I'd love a martini.
320
00:22:35,271 --> 00:22:37,480
Ho-Jon,
give the gentleman a martini.
321
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:40,900
I think you will find these
accommodating.
They're quite dry.
322
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:45,238
Don't you use olives?
323
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,283
Olives? Where the hell
you think you are, man?
324
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,702
We do have to make certain
concessions to the war.
325
00:22:50,786 --> 00:22:52,704
We're three miles
from the front line, and—
326
00:22:52,788 --> 00:22:57,751
Yes, but a man can't
really savor his martini
without an olive, you know.
327
00:22:57,835 --> 00:23:00,795
Otherwise, you see, it just...
328
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:05,008
doesn't quite... make it.
329
00:23:05,092 --> 00:23:07,010
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention.
330
00:23:07,094 --> 00:23:12,140
The Evangelical
United Brethren Church
has donated 34 "hymals"...
331
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,267
to the 4077th MASH unit.
332
00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:17,896
These "hymals"
are located in the "clamp"—
in the camp library...
333
00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:19,898
and may be checked out
by those with cards.
334
00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:22,358
That is all.
335
00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:25,320
Listen. Am I gonna get paid
for giving you guys lessons?
[ Hawkeye Chuckles ]
336
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,405
Rib-cutter.
337
00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:32,660
[ Duke ]
Small bones, huh?
338
00:23:33,704 --> 00:23:37,373
Deaver retractor also, please.
All right.
Let's get her, baby.
339
00:23:37,458 --> 00:23:41,002
Okay. Can I tie this for you?
Don't hog the whole operation.
340
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,254
Knocko, gauze rolls.
You need some suction?
341
00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,799
[ Man ]
Yeah, that's fine.
342
00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,884
Now, pickups to me, please.
343
00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:52,138
How's he doing?
[John ]
Doing well.
344
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:56,184
Yeah. Suture.
[ Man ] Yeah, looks like that's it.
Looks like that's it.
345
00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:01,356
- [ Dish ] What the hell did you do
with our thread? It ran out.
- Wanna tie that off?
346
00:24:01,482 --> 00:24:03,691
More thread, please,
and larger needles.
[ Man ] Will you let me?
347
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,693
Let me have another suture.
348
00:24:05,778 --> 00:24:08,071
[ Man ]
All you surgeons are all alike.
I tell you that.
349
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:13,493
If this guy knew the clowns who were
operating on him, I think he'd faint.
[John ] I think he has.
350
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:15,537
Come on, Nurse.
I need a suture, please.
Coming.
351
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:18,957
[ Man ] Keep ahead of him, babe,
will you? We need a couple
more stitches in there.
352
00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:22,418
That's fine. Yeah. Thank you.
[ Dish ]
Just turn it around.
353
00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:25,672
It's a good thing you have
a nice body, Nurse, otherwise
we'd get rid ofyou quick.
354
00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:28,174
- [ Man ] Don't stick me.
- [ Duke ]
Keep it clean.
355
00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:32,095
[ All Laugh ]
[ Man ]
Here, I can tie that for you.
356
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:35,849
Okay. Let's have the big stitches
for closing up the chest.
Fine.
357
00:24:35,933 --> 00:24:38,518
[ Dish ]
Larger needles, Knocko.
358
00:24:38,602 --> 00:24:40,478
Now the sutures.
359
00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:44,315
Start down here?
Looks like it needs
another one, huh?
360
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,985
[John ]
Does anybody know if this is
an officer or an enlisted man?
361
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:50,113
[ Hawkeye ]
He's an enlisted man.
[John ] Make the stitches big.
362
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,575
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Captain Bandi—
Captain Bandini—
363
00:24:53,701 --> 00:24:58,955
[ Clears Throat ]
Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini
is now performing a femoral pop—
364
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:01,457
[ Stammers ]
365
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:04,961
A femoral
P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L...
366
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,088
artery explor-
367
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:12,010
exploration and possible graft.
[ Clears Throat ]
368
00:25:12,094 --> 00:25:15,513
[ Blowing Into Microphone ]
The following memo
has just come through:
369
00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:19,976
Please remove all pictures,
postcards, nude calendars, et cetera,
370
00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,688
from the walls,
so that our rooms
may look clean and orderly.
371
00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:26,024
That is all.
Big "U"!
372
00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:30,028
Duke, did I ever tell you
how Androscoggin College beat
Dartmouth in a raging blizzard,
373
00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:32,864
6-nothing,
'cause I intercepted a pass?
Yeah, you told me.
374
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:35,825
They had this great passer, see?
And we held them
nothing-nothing...
375
00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:38,661
till the last 20 seconds,
and then, snow and all,
he let one go.
376
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,747
Yeah, you told me.
And it went sailing— Boom!
377
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:44,250
Lucky your mouth wasn't open.
It would have got stuck in your throat.
Oh, baby!
378
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:47,295
Oh, it is TrapperJohn McIntyre!
I thought you'd never remember.
379
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:49,464
Man! Man! It's TrapperJohn.
380
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:54,135
John McIntyre. TrapperJohn.
Only man ever found fulfillment
in a Boston-Maine railway.
381
00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:57,513
In the— In the ladies' can.
Conductor opened the door,
the girl looked out and yelled,
382
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,225
"Oh, you caught me! Oh, my God!
He trapped me!"
Is that right?
383
00:26:00,351 --> 00:26:03,561
Honest to God. How are you?
I'm great.
Wh-What's going on over there?
384
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,023
[ Duke ] Oh, well, well, well.
It must be Painless Polish Day
in the shower tent.
385
00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:09,359
[ Hawkeye ] Yes, sir.
[ Trapper ] Painless Polish Day
in the shower tent?
386
00:26:09,443 --> 00:26:11,694
[ Hawkeye ]
Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
You know—
387
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,988
What, are those guys
waiting to scrub his back,
or something?
388
00:26:14,073 --> 00:26:17,825
No, he's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist
in the army.
389
00:26:17,952 --> 00:26:19,869
You might call it that.
Yeah.
390
00:26:19,995 --> 00:26:21,913
Oh.
[ Both ]
Oh.
391
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,959
I saw- Once in med school—
in premed—
I did an autopsy on a guy.
392
00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:28,628
He had been drowned
and all swollen up—
Are you an authority?
393
00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:32,674
I heard that one too. You told that one.
The most extraordinary thing.
And a friend of mine—
394
00:26:33,717 --> 00:26:36,719
Boy, man, I'd surely love
to see that angry.
395
00:26:40,057 --> 00:26:43,059
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
396
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:30,064
[ Chattering ]
397
00:27:48,709 --> 00:27:50,585
Nurse!
398
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,090
Boone, get me a c.c. of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.
399
00:27:57,092 --> 00:28:00,053
I'm sorry-
[ Stammers ]
Just get it!
400
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,558
- [ Man ] Pinch a bit.
- [ Man #2 ]
Looks like the lip looks pretty good.
401
00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:08,144
[ Man #1 ]
That's it. Good.
402
00:28:08,228 --> 00:28:11,105
[ Man #3 ]
And you can cut me
about a four-inch piece ofwire...
403
00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:13,316
and about an inch and a half
oftape.
404
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,318
[ Chattering ]
405
00:28:17,905 --> 00:28:20,031
Hi, soldier.
Who is it?
406
00:28:20,115 --> 00:28:23,451
Oh, it's Trapper. Trapper.
Don't worry. Let's get
some ofthis stuff off.
407
00:28:23,535 --> 00:28:26,871
You idiot.
I said a cardiac needle.
408
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:31,250
- You want me to get a nurse?
- It's too late, Boone.
You killed him.
409
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,188
[ Sobbing ]
410
00:29:03,325 --> 00:29:06,744
At ease.
This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.
411
00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:08,830
This is where we do
the dirty work.
412
00:29:08,956 --> 00:29:10,873
Uh, Captain Murrhardt.
[ Man ]
Sponge.
413
00:29:10,999 --> 00:29:12,917
[ Murrhardt ]
Hi.
Hello. Hi, Captain.
414
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:17,296
Dennis. Don't you remember?
I, uh, helped carry your
luggage from the airfield.
415
00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:20,258
Oh, yes.
Hello, Dennis.
Yeah. Hi.
416
00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:23,428
This is Captain Black.
Hello, Captain Black.
417
00:29:23,554 --> 00:29:27,557
Hi, I'm UglyJohn, your gas passer.
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
UglyJohn.
418
00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,436
Oh, it's only you, Judson.
Uh, Captain Sacks.
Hello, Captain Sacks.
419
00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:33,896
How's the operation going?
Are you kidding?
420
00:29:33,981 --> 00:29:36,315
[ Chattering ]
Scissor.
421
00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:41,028
Oh, and this is
Captain Knocko McCarthy.
Hello, Major.
422
00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:42,989
Hello, Captain.
Right.
423
00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:46,868
[ Henry ]
Now I'll show you the rest of
the operation, ifyou'll excuse the pun.
424
00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:54,584
This is the, uh, pre-op ward.
Oh, I'll take these things.
425
00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:58,379
This is the post-op ward.
Uh, ifyou don't mind.
426
00:29:58,464 --> 00:30:01,132
Oh. Vollmer,
take care ofthese,
will you, please?
427
00:30:01,258 --> 00:30:04,260
Finished work
for the day?
Yes, why?
428
00:30:04,344 --> 00:30:08,848
Good. Good.
I just, uh, wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.
429
00:30:11,393 --> 00:30:13,352
Son of a bitch!
430
00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:17,398
Trapper! Captain McIntyre!
What the hell?
That's a captain?
431
00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,525
What's going on?
Who started this?
432
00:30:19,610 --> 00:30:22,236
I hit him. I hit him.
He's an ignoramus,
that knucklehead.
433
00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:24,572
He wouldn't have touched me
if I had my guard up.
434
00:30:25,908 --> 00:30:28,826
Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone.
435
00:30:28,911 --> 00:30:31,370
What do you think I'm running,
an English boarding school?
436
00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:34,790
McIntyre, you're under arrest.
Confine yourself to quarters,
pending an investigation.
437
00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:36,792
Oh, Henry,
are you kidding?
438
00:30:36,877 --> 00:30:38,878
I deeply regret
this unfortunate incident.
439
00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:41,088
We try to remember
we're a military organization.
440
00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:43,799
I should certainly hope so.
441
00:30:43,884 --> 00:30:47,053
Vollmer,
that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.
442
00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:50,932
Captain McIntyre,
you are officially—
443
00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:53,100
Oh, come on.
Cut it out, Vollmer.
444
00:30:57,397 --> 00:31:00,233
[ Man ]
Attention camp compound.
Urine specimens...
445
00:31:00,317 --> 00:31:02,652
will be required from all pers-
446
00:31:02,736 --> 00:31:05,655
Uh—
[ Stammers ]
Uh, disregard last transmission.
447
00:31:05,781 --> 00:31:07,532
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Hi, Henry.
448
00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:09,158
What the hell's
the matter with you?
449
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,868
Henry, you want
some coffee?
Yes, please.
450
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:12,912
Ho-Jon, get him
some coffee.
What's wrong with you?
451
00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:17,750
I don't know. I must have
lost my punch. I never expected
the son of a bitch to get up.
452
00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:20,878
That's no kind of an answer.
Come on, Henry.
You know why he hit him.
453
00:31:20,963 --> 00:31:23,589
I can't have myjunior officers
striking each other. Thank you.
454
00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:27,134
[ Duke ]
Oh, now damn it, Henry.
Frank Burns is a menace!
455
00:31:27,219 --> 00:31:32,223
Every time a patient croaks
on him, he says it's God's will
or somebody else's fault.
456
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:35,476
Yeah, and this time he blamed it
on some kid who was
stupid enough to believe him.
457
00:31:35,602 --> 00:31:38,354
[ Duke ] Hell with that.
[ Henry ] I'm tired ofyou guys
trying to run this outfit.
458
00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:40,356
This time there's going to be
disciplinary action.
459
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,149
What are you going to do,
Henry?
460
00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:45,653
[ Muttering ]
Well, I had planned to name
Trapper chief surgeon...
461
00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:48,072
to consult on your shift
and Frank's.
462
00:31:48,156 --> 00:31:52,243
- That's damn good thinking.
- Yeah, but now I can't do it
for at least a week.
463
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:55,496
If I announced it now
after what our new chief nurse
saw this afternoon,
464
00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,790
you'd hear her yelling
from Washington to Seoul.
465
00:31:57,874 --> 00:32:00,167
Don't you have any sugar
in this place?
466
00:32:00,377 --> 00:32:03,421
[ Man Imitating Japanese Accent ]
Good morning.
Today's musical selections...
467
00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:08,718
will be rendered by
Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats!
468
00:32:08,802 --> 00:32:12,263
Colonel Blake, General Hammond
did not answer the phone, sir.
469
00:32:12,347 --> 00:32:14,348
They said
he was at a football game.
470
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:17,018
Those generals
have all the fun.
471
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,103
Yes, sir.
472
00:32:19,187 --> 00:32:22,690
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
473
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:53,137
♪♪ [ Stops ]
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention.
May I have the camp's attention?
474
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:57,516
This week's movie will be
When Willie Comes Marching Home.
475
00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:03,022
Uh, the biggest parade
of laughs ofWorld War II.
476
00:33:03,106 --> 00:33:08,194
All the loves, laughs
and escapades of the Willies
who came marching home.
477
00:33:08,278 --> 00:33:12,948
This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet
and Colleen Townsend.
478
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:15,868
Captain Pierce,
may I join you?
479
00:33:15,952 --> 00:33:20,539
[ Chuckles ]
You've alreadyjoined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
480
00:33:20,666 --> 00:33:23,209
[ Chuckles ]
Where do you come from?
481
00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:26,504
Well, I like to think
ofthe army as my home.
482
00:33:26,588 --> 00:33:29,131
Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
483
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:32,802
Ho-Jon, you bring me
some ketchup, will ya?
484
00:33:32,928 --> 00:33:35,971
Captain, I've been observing
the nurses on your shift.
Yeah, I know. I saw you.
485
00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:39,433
[ Houlihan ]
Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.
486
00:33:39,559 --> 00:33:42,770
[ Hawkeye ]
And you would like to know
what I think ofthe nurses on my team.
487
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:45,439
Well, I'll tell you.
I think they're fine.
I think they're just great.
488
00:33:45,565 --> 00:33:48,150
[ Hawkeye ]
I'm totally satisfied with them.
[ Man ] Keep the blood—
489
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:50,194
Oh, no, no.
That's the second time this week.
490
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,322
Of course.
What'd you expect?
[ All Chattering ]
491
00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:00,371
[ Woman ]
Here come the girls.
492
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,708
[ Hawkeye ]
Welcome, gentlemen.
493
00:34:03,792 --> 00:34:09,171
[ All ]
♪ When the lights go on again ♪
494
00:34:09,256 --> 00:34:11,716
♪ All over the world ♪
495
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,678
[ Man ]
Got enough room?
[ Chattering ]
496
00:34:15,762 --> 00:34:18,514
[ Trapper ]
Sponge stick.
Get rid ofthe line for me.
497
00:34:18,598 --> 00:34:21,559
♪ All over the world ♪♪
498
00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:25,146
[ Dago Red ]
Is he all right, Hawkeye?
[ Hawkeye ] Is he all right, Dago?
499
00:34:26,231 --> 00:34:30,276
[ Hawkeye ]
Yes, you mean
is he gonna live? He'll live.
500
00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:34,238
Let me have another sponge stick.
[ Hawkeye ] Is somebody going
to be around tomorrow morning...
501
00:34:34,322 --> 00:34:38,075
when he wakes up, to tell him
that he hasn't got anything
between his legs anymore?
502
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:40,202
[ Trapper ]
Let me have the long fingers.
503
00:34:40,287 --> 00:34:41,871
Syngman Rhee paid
the light bill.
504
00:34:41,997 --> 00:34:45,708
Well, Major Burns
is far from satisfied.
That doesn't surprise me.
505
00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:49,754
Frank Burns does not know his way
around an operating theater.
506
00:34:49,838 --> 00:34:53,507
He does not know his way
around a body. And ifyou
will have observed anything,
507
00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:56,552
you will have observed
that Major Frank Burns
is an idiot.
508
00:34:56,636 --> 00:35:00,681
He has flipped his wig,
that he's out of his head,
that he's a lousy surgeon.
509
00:35:00,766 --> 00:35:04,602
Oh, on the contrary,
I have observed
that Major Burns...
510
00:35:04,686 --> 00:35:08,856
is not only
a good technical surgeon,
he is a good military surgeon.
511
00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,441
Finished?
512
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:15,613
I've also noticed that nurses
as well as enlisted men
address you as "Hawkeye."
513
00:35:15,697 --> 00:35:17,615
Yeah, because that's my name,
Hawkeye Pierce.
514
00:35:17,699 --> 00:35:21,076
Well, that kind of informality
is inconsistent with
maximum efficiency...
515
00:35:21,203 --> 00:35:24,038
in a military organization.
Oh, come off it, Major.
516
00:35:25,916 --> 00:35:28,876
You put me right off
my fresh fried lobster,
do you realize that?
517
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:33,005
I'm going to go back to my bed,
I'm gonna put away
the best part of a bottle of scotch,
518
00:35:33,089 --> 00:35:35,007
and under
normal circumstances—
519
00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:37,968
you being normally
what I would call
a very attractive woman—
520
00:35:38,053 --> 00:35:40,638
I would have invited you back
to share my little bed with me,
521
00:35:40,722 --> 00:35:43,140
and you might possibly
have come.
522
00:35:43,225 --> 00:35:45,184
But you really put me off.
523
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:49,855
I mean, you're what we call
a regular army clown.
524
00:35:53,193 --> 00:35:56,237
I wonder how
a degenerated person like that
could have reached...
525
00:35:56,321 --> 00:35:58,864
a position of responsibility
in the Army Medical Corps.
526
00:35:58,949 --> 00:36:01,033
He was drafted.
527
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:04,119
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
528
00:36:17,092 --> 00:36:18,968
Radar!
Your briefcase, sir.
529
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,595
Oh, I'm going to spend the day
with General Hammond—
Good luck with General Hammond.
530
00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:24,181
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
You'll be back tomorrow morning,
and Major Burns will be in full charge.
531
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,225
Major Burns will be
in charge.
Good luck.
532
00:36:26,309 --> 00:36:28,310
See you in the morning.
533
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,856
Sir, are there any
last-minute instructions
you want to give to the men?
534
00:36:31,982 --> 00:36:33,941
Uh, Radar has all
the necessary information.
Yeah, but...
535
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,026
who's gonna be
on C.Q. tonight?
536
00:36:36,111 --> 00:36:38,737
W-Wait a minute.
What about the, uh—
537
00:36:38,822 --> 00:36:41,198
Oh, Captain.
Yes, sir?
538
00:36:41,283 --> 00:36:44,118
I left some shirts on my bunk.
The buttons are missing.
539
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,120
Will you ask Satsumi
to sew them up, please?
540
00:36:46,246 --> 00:36:48,747
I'd be glad
to do them for you.
You don't have to.
541
00:36:48,832 --> 00:36:51,000
It's nothing. Really.
Greatjacket. Is it new?
542
00:36:51,084 --> 00:36:53,544
Oh, yeah. My—
Uh, it was sent to me.
543
00:36:53,670 --> 00:36:56,088
You don't have to
do that.
Take care.
544
00:36:56,298 --> 00:36:58,507
♪ Hail to the chief♪
545
00:36:58,592 --> 00:37:01,176
♪ He's the best
of all the surgeons ♪
546
00:37:01,261 --> 00:37:05,180
♪ He needs a queen
to satisfy his urges ♪
547
00:37:05,265 --> 00:37:09,476
♪ Hail to the chief
He's the best
of all the trappers ♪
548
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:14,982
♪ He needs a queen
to sit upon his lappers ♪
549
00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:18,903
♪ Hail to the chief
He's the best
of all the cutters ♪
550
00:37:18,987 --> 00:37:24,033
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
551
00:37:24,117 --> 00:37:27,703
Blake has gone out of his mind.
Is that gonna
go on all night?
552
00:37:27,787 --> 00:37:32,750
♪ He took his orders
and shoved them up
his rectum ♪♪
553
00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:36,211
No, no. No food. No food.
Sex. I want sex.
554
00:37:36,338 --> 00:37:39,089
[ Trapper ]
Bring me some sex.
[ Duke ] Scorch, come forth.
555
00:37:39,174 --> 00:37:40,966
No, no. That one.
Bring me that one there.
556
00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,801
[ Hawkeye ]
He's chosen you. Congratulations.
557
00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,889
That one. The sultry bitch
with the fire in her eyes.
Take her clothes off.
558
00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:48,557
[ Indistinct ]
I want that one, yes.
559
00:37:48,642 --> 00:37:51,352
[ Trapper ]
Yes. Take her clothes off
and bring her to me now.
560
00:37:51,478 --> 00:37:55,856
[ Loud Clatter ]
[ Chattering ]
561
00:37:55,941 --> 00:37:59,818
Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
562
00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:01,862
[ All ]
Ew!
563
00:38:06,576 --> 00:38:09,078
[ Typewriter Clacking ]
564
00:38:11,957 --> 00:38:14,959
This... letter...
565
00:38:15,043 --> 00:38:19,672
has... been... written...
566
00:38:19,756 --> 00:38:22,091
in the interest...
[ Bell Dings ]
567
00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:24,176
of-
Army morale.
568
00:38:26,388 --> 00:38:31,225
Good. Army... morale.
569
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:34,812
[ Chattering ]
570
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:42,069
[ Trapper ] You wanna sing one?
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Radar's gonna sing us a verse.
571
00:38:44,906 --> 00:38:47,574
"This letter has been
written in the interest
of army morale.
572
00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:51,996
"As officers, we feel it is our duty
to bring this unwholesome
situation to your attention.
573
00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,374
"We are writing this letter
jointly to assure you that
no one's personal feeling...
574
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,459
"has any way influenced
this report.
575
00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:59,461
Respectfully,
MargaretJ. Houlihan"—
That's perfect.
576
00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,463
"Major Burns."
That's perfect.
577
00:39:01,589 --> 00:39:04,341
I think it's
a marvelous letter.
We make a good team, don't we?
578
00:39:04,467 --> 00:39:07,302
We think the same way.
Of course we do.
579
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:13,392
It's almost suppertime.
You're not hungry, are you?
580
00:39:13,476 --> 00:39:15,477
Ravenous.
How about you?
581
00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:17,604
For you, Margaret.
582
00:39:35,623 --> 00:39:39,960
[ Breathing Heavily ]
Now, the sooner
this reaches him,
583
00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:44,048
the sooner we can
turn this into
a tight military outfit.
584
00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:50,679
[ Blowing Into Microphone On P.A. ]
585
00:39:50,764 --> 00:39:53,140
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Attention, camp compound.
586
00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:56,560
Corporal Judson has informed
the colonel's office...
587
00:39:56,644 --> 00:40:00,564
that three cases
of amphetamine sulfate
are unaccounted for again.
588
00:40:00,648 --> 00:40:03,692
This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.
589
00:40:03,777 --> 00:40:08,655
It must stop by order
of Colonel Blake's office,
4077th MASH unit.
590
00:40:09,741 --> 00:40:13,243
I only wish I could
deliver that letter personally.
591
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:16,205
Good night, Frank.
Good night, Margaret.
592
00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,916
I'll stop by later on
to see ifyou're all right.
593
00:40:19,042 --> 00:40:22,836
Why, that won't be
necessary.
Oh, I don't mind.
594
00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,922
I'll leave the door unlocked.
595
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,344
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Captain McIntyre
will give a lecture on...
596
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,597
blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800.
597
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,599
Uh, uh, correction.
598
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:38,936
At 02 1 —
At 9:00 this evening.
599
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:41,230
- [ Trapper ]
Radar?
- [ Chattering ]
600
00:40:41,356 --> 00:40:44,149
Take your hat off, Radar.
You're before the king.
601
00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:45,609
Uh, queen—
602
00:40:45,735 --> 00:40:48,529
[ Trapper ]
Don't get nervous, Radar.
"Long, long, long"—
603
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,658
♪ Long live the chief♪
604
00:40:52,742 --> 00:40:53,909
♪ The colonel ♪
[ Giggles ]
605
00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,787
♪ The colonel
Long live the chief♪
606
00:40:56,871 --> 00:41:00,374
♪ The colonel did elect him ♪
[ Chattering ]
607
00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:04,211
♪ But he took all his orders
and shoved it up his nose ♪♪
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
608
00:41:04,379 --> 00:41:06,797
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
609
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:25,065
You all right?
610
00:41:25,150 --> 00:41:27,442
Fine.
611
00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:30,404
Godless buffoons,
all of them.
612
00:41:30,488 --> 00:41:33,240
It's the disrespect
for you, Frank. That—
613
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:36,243
That's what
I can't forgive.
614
00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:38,620
I'm used to it.
615
00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:42,708
- Licorice?
- Oh, no. Thank you.
616
00:41:45,587 --> 00:41:48,338
What makes me sore
is how they behave
towards you.
617
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,258
They oughta be grateful
to have you.
618
00:41:54,637 --> 00:41:56,430
I certainly am.
619
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,102
I'm grateful to have you, Frank.
620
00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:10,611
We've grown very close
in a short time.
621
00:42:12,906 --> 00:42:16,366
It isn't just chance.
622
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,452
I'm sure ofthat.
623
00:42:20,872 --> 00:42:23,123
God meant us
to find each other.
624
00:42:24,751 --> 00:42:28,212
His will be done.
[ Moans ]
625
00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:31,173
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
626
00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:34,718
[ Houlihan ]
Let me get it.
627
00:42:35,803 --> 00:42:39,640
I'll help you.
Oh, yes. Yes.
628
00:42:40,767 --> 00:42:43,769
[ Frank ]
Get it.
Wait. Get my robe.
629
00:42:44,812 --> 00:42:47,064
Oh.
[ Frank ]
Get my zipper. My zipper.
630
00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,316
[ Houlihan ]
All right.
Oh, God.
631
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,401
[ Frank ]
Oh. Careful.
632
00:42:51,486 --> 00:42:53,737
[ Both Grunting ]
633
00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,822
Oh, Frank. Oh.
634
00:42:57,492 --> 00:43:01,328
[ All ] Shh!
[ Trapper ]
Get the searchlight on.
635
00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:03,538
Look.
636
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:06,583
[ Knocks ]
637
00:43:06,668 --> 00:43:08,669
[ Duke ]
Hey. Put the light out.
638
00:43:10,171 --> 00:43:12,381
[ Dago Red ]
Hi. What's going on?
639
00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:16,885
May I join you?
[ Duke ]
Uh, a little radio show.
640
00:43:16,970 --> 00:43:20,347
[ Houlihan Moaning ]
Oh, Frank! Oh, yes!
641
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,349
My zipper. Wait.
Oh, Frank!
642
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:25,560
Careful. Careful.
[ Houlihan Moaning ]
Oh, Frank!
643
00:43:25,687 --> 00:43:29,398
Is this the Bickersons?
I love them.
Who?
644
00:43:29,524 --> 00:43:31,483
[ Moaning Continues ]
The battling Bickersons.
I love-
645
00:43:31,567 --> 00:43:33,860
[ Houlihan ]
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
646
00:43:34,904 --> 00:43:37,155
Oh, Frank! Oh! Yeah.
647
00:43:37,240 --> 00:43:39,116
[ Bed Creaking ]
648
00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:41,410
Hard! Ooh.
[ Mouthing Words ]
649
00:43:41,494 --> 00:43:45,122
Harder. Ow. Oh, Frank.
[ Frank ]
There it goes.
650
00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:47,124
[ Houlihan ]
Oh, yeah.
651
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:51,169
Oh! No, I, uh— I forgot— I—
652
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,672
No.
[ Moaning Continues ]
653
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,970
You're shining that thing
in my eyes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
654
00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,930
[ Moaning Continues ]
655
00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:06,393
Oh, he is such
a sweet man.
[ Laughs ]
656
00:44:06,477 --> 00:44:09,104
Oh, Frank.
Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.
657
00:44:09,188 --> 00:44:11,398
Oh! Kiss my hot lips!
658
00:44:11,482 --> 00:44:13,483
[ Frank ]
Oh, yes, they are hot.
659
00:44:13,568 --> 00:44:16,403
Lips. Hot- Hot lips?
660
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:19,489
We have got to share this
with the rest ofthe camp.
661
00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,491
[ All Laugh ]
662
00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:25,078
Switch it over.
Okay.
663
00:44:25,163 --> 00:44:27,289
Oh, Frank, yes!
[ Frank ]
Darling!
664
00:44:27,415 --> 00:44:28,790
Clamp.
[ Houlihan ]
Oh.
665
00:44:28,875 --> 00:44:31,626
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
Strangle me.
666
00:44:31,711 --> 00:44:33,962
Hard! Frank! Oh!
667
00:44:34,047 --> 00:44:36,423
What the hell is that?
668
00:44:36,507 --> 00:44:38,675
[ Houlihan ]
Oh, yes. Oh!
669
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,430
Looks like Dr. Frank Burns
is doing a bit of
dilatation and curettage.
670
00:44:43,556 --> 00:44:46,516
[ Whispering ]
Th-That's, uh—
That's, uh—
671
00:44:46,642 --> 00:44:51,146
Well, it sounds like the, uh, major-
the new major is having a dream.
She's plugged in.
672
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:53,357
Oh, Major!
[ Feedback ]
673
00:44:53,483 --> 00:44:56,193
Frank!
[ Voice Echoes On P.A. ]
Frank!
674
00:44:56,319 --> 00:44:59,780
Frank! Wait a second!
[ Echoing ]
What is it?
675
00:44:59,906 --> 00:45:02,157
Turn the light off!
[ Clicks ]
676
00:45:02,283 --> 00:45:04,951
No, that's on!
Turn it off!
[ Echoing On P.A. ]
677
00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,706
Get your clothes on.
Get your pants on.
[ Echoing Continues ]
678
00:45:09,791 --> 00:45:13,502
Don't shout at me!
Don't shove!
679
00:45:13,586 --> 00:45:15,545
Frank, wait.
680
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:19,633
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
681
00:45:23,888 --> 00:45:25,472
♪ My ♪
682
00:45:25,556 --> 00:45:28,433
♪ Blue heaven ♪♪
683
00:45:28,643 --> 00:45:31,186
[ Painless ]
Uh, it's too bad
Henry wasn't here.
684
00:45:31,312 --> 00:45:33,897
He would have thought
it was a real radio program.
Mmm.
685
00:45:33,981 --> 00:45:36,274
I thought it was
a radio program.
686
00:45:36,359 --> 00:45:39,903
I think we should send
a letter of commendation to
the Armed Forces Radio Network.
687
00:45:39,987 --> 00:45:42,072
Ah, wonderful. Yes.
688
00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:45,117
It was the most uplifting
program I have ever heard.
689
00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:47,869
[ Painless ]
It was climactic.
[ Chuckles ]
690
00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,336
Morning, ladies.
691
00:46:03,845 --> 00:46:06,012
Well, hi, "Hot Lips."
692
00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:10,475
Oh, my goodness!
Over my— I'm so sorry
to touch you, but I—
693
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:12,436
[ Whistles ]
694
00:46:12,562 --> 00:46:16,106
[ Clicks Tongue ]
Well, what's the matter
with her today?
695
00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:18,358
I don't know.
I think it's one
ofthose ladies' things.
696
00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:21,027
[ Trapper ]
It's not like her to act like this.
No, she usually doesn't.
697
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,905
She's a bitch.
Look at my new flannel—
698
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:26,908
I think she's gonna have
a nervous breakdown.
She can't even get out the door.
699
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:30,370
[ Laughing ]
700
00:46:30,455 --> 00:46:32,873
[ Chattering ]
701
00:46:32,957 --> 00:46:35,417
Morning, Frank.
702
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,713
Heard from your wife?
[ Whistles ]
703
00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:46,887
Morning, Colonel.
You forgot your briefcase.
Uh, yes, I left it in the jeep.
704
00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:50,140
You left it there.
Oh, I forgot it.
Morning, Captain.
705
00:46:50,266 --> 00:46:53,226
Morning, sir.
I hope you didn't have to—
Here, take care of this.
706
00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:56,605
I hope you didn't have to
bother with those shirts.
It wasn't necessary.
707
00:46:56,731 --> 00:46:59,649
Too late, sir.
It's a done thing.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
708
00:46:59,734 --> 00:47:03,737
Morning, Padre.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
709
00:47:05,698 --> 00:47:08,492
Uh, Colonel, sir?
How was your visit, sir?
710
00:47:08,576 --> 00:47:10,619
Oh, great.
The general wasn't there.
711
00:47:10,703 --> 00:47:12,621
Oh.
712
00:47:12,747 --> 00:47:16,791
Listen. About last night, sir.
There was, uh— There was just-
There was nothing I could do about it.
713
00:47:16,876 --> 00:47:17,876
Sir.
Nothing?
714
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,377
Nothing.
715
00:47:19,462 --> 00:47:21,630
Well, it couldn't
have been helped.
716
00:47:21,714 --> 00:47:23,632
Thank you, sir.
717
00:47:23,716 --> 00:47:25,675
Oh, what's that?
718
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:28,386
Oh, Frank Burns
and Hawkeye Pierce.
Very encouraging.
719
00:47:28,596 --> 00:47:31,723
A bunch ofthe boys
asked me to, uh,
ask you, Frank,
720
00:47:31,807 --> 00:47:33,934
what Hot Lips
was like in the sack.
721
00:47:34,060 --> 00:47:36,019
You know, was she—
Mind your own business.
722
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,731
No, Frank. You know,
is she better than self-abuse?
That was really the sort of basic—
723
00:47:39,815 --> 00:47:43,693
What's that all about?
He gonna get some
pointers or something?
724
00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:47,656
No. Hawkeye's gonna
sign him up to make
a personal appearance tour...
725
00:47:47,782 --> 00:47:50,242
in all the camps in Korea.
Oh, is that a fact?
726
00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:52,536
Wonder what they're saying.
Can you make it out?
727
00:47:52,620 --> 00:47:57,082
Does that, uh— Does that big ass
of hers move around a lot, Frank,
or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
728
00:47:57,166 --> 00:47:59,042
What would you say about that?
729
00:47:59,126 --> 00:48:03,838
Um, Hawkeye's questioning
the major on a point
of anatomy.
730
00:48:03,923 --> 00:48:06,007
Very professional,
exchanging ideas.
731
00:48:06,092 --> 00:48:08,385
Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?
732
00:48:08,469 --> 00:48:10,136
[ Hawkeye Growls ]
733
00:48:10,263 --> 00:48:13,807
What is Burns saying?
Uh, Major Burns isn't
saying much of anything, sir.
734
00:48:13,891 --> 00:48:15,809
I think he's
formulating the answer.
735
00:48:15,893 --> 00:48:18,728
Seriously, Frank.
I mean, does she go, "Ooooh,"
736
00:48:18,813 --> 00:48:21,731
or does she just
sort of lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?
737
00:48:21,816 --> 00:48:25,110
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Or does she go, "Uh-uh-uh"?
738
00:48:27,905 --> 00:48:31,575
Get him off me!
I've got glasses.
Get him off me!
739
00:48:31,659 --> 00:48:33,785
What's going on, Frank?
That lesson one?
740
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:36,204
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
741
00:48:37,873 --> 00:48:40,500
[ Chattering ]
742
00:48:40,585 --> 00:48:43,420
I'm wearing glasses,
for God's sake.
743
00:48:43,504 --> 00:48:46,590
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye.
That man is a sex maniac.
744
00:48:46,716 --> 00:48:49,175
I don't think
Hot Lips satisfied him.
Gonna kill him.
745
00:48:49,260 --> 00:48:51,678
- [ Man ]
Frank, we love ya.
- Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
746
00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:53,763
[ All Grunting ]
747
00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:57,767
[ Gong ]
748
00:48:57,852 --> 00:49:04,899
♪ The time has come for us
to say sayonara ♪
749
00:49:07,361 --> 00:49:13,742
♪ My heart will always
be yours for eternity ♪
750
00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:24,336
♪ I knew sometime
we'd have to say sayonara ♪
751
00:49:27,548 --> 00:49:29,466
♪ We promised that we- ♪
752
00:49:29,550 --> 00:49:35,055
Uh, Colonel, fair is fair.
If I nail Hot Lips and punch
Hawkeye, can I go home?
753
00:49:37,850 --> 00:49:41,895
♪ I'll remember our romance ♪
754
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:46,441
♪ Until the day that I die ♪
755
00:49:47,443 --> 00:49:54,407
♪ I see your face in the moon
and stars in the sky ♪♪
756
00:49:56,494 --> 00:49:58,411
[ Scorch ]
Hawkeye!
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
757
00:49:58,496 --> 00:50:01,331
Hawkeye!
Oh, shit.
758
00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,375
Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman,
get another guy.
759
00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:05,877
We gotta take this
into the O.R.
just on the stretcher.
760
00:50:05,961 --> 00:50:07,921
Hold on. You're gonna be
just fine, fella.
761
00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:12,759
Okay, I can't move my hand.
Now come on.
[ Soldier Crying ]
762
00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,428
Have you got the cut-downs?
763
00:50:15,513 --> 00:50:17,764
You're gonna go to sleep, baby.
You're gonna be just fine.
764
00:50:17,848 --> 00:50:19,849
[ UglyJohn ]
Hot Lips, let me have one
ofyour sterile knives.
765
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:23,895
I'm gonna need
two vascular clamps
and an arterial suture.
766
00:50:23,979 --> 00:50:27,732
As soon as you give me
the clamps, I want you to be ready
to gown and glove me.
767
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:29,776
All right? You ready?
[ Leslie ]
Yeah.
768
00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:32,654
Okay. Here we go.
It's going to spurt a bit. Okay.
769
00:50:32,738 --> 00:50:35,198
Got it?
Ay ay baby.
770
00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:38,618
Clamp?
Yeah.
771
00:50:42,540 --> 00:50:44,624
[ Hawkeye ]
Okay, gown.
772
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:50,004
- Gloves.
You got an arterial suture ready?
- Yeah.
773
00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:53,800
Okay. Ugly, move out of the way,
'cause I'm working
around over there.
774
00:50:53,926 --> 00:50:57,762
Baby, we're gonna see some
stitching like you never saw before.
[ Leslie Chuckles ]
775
00:50:57,888 --> 00:50:59,764
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Attention.
Got it?
776
00:50:59,890 --> 00:51:01,975
Okay. Here she goes.
A message from
Colonel Blake's office.
777
00:51:02,101 --> 00:51:04,728
We're off and running.
The American Medical Association
has just declared marijuana...
778
00:51:04,812 --> 00:51:06,730
a dangerous drug.
779
00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:09,357
Despite earlier claims
by some physicians that it is
no more harmful...
780
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:12,736
than alcohol,
this is not found
to be the case.
781
00:51:12,820 --> 00:51:14,696
That is all.
Oh, really?
782
00:51:14,822 --> 00:51:17,949
As a matter of fact—
When did you get them?
Let me try it on you.
783
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,410
Yeah?
Yeah.
784
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:24,581
Hey, Dago Redo! Hi.
Just in time for cocktails.
Come on in.
785
00:51:24,665 --> 00:51:27,542
Uh, no, no. Thank you.
I can't, really. Hawkeye?
786
00:51:27,668 --> 00:51:31,504
Haw-Hawkeye?
Hawkeye, could I speak to you?
Yeah, go ahead.
787
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:34,758
No, uh, out- outside.
Outside.
What?
788
00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:37,927
I have to
talk to you outside.
789
00:51:38,012 --> 00:51:40,054
[ Dog Barks ]
790
00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:42,515
All right.
Hiya, pup-pup.
791
00:51:42,641 --> 00:51:46,269
Uh, sorry to drag you away
from the gang in there, but—
What?
792
00:51:46,353 --> 00:51:48,646
This- This'll only
take a moment. Um,
793
00:51:48,773 --> 00:51:51,232
there's a problem
with Walt Waldowski.
Painless?
794
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:53,485
Painless.
You got a toothache?
He's a good dentist.
795
00:51:53,569 --> 00:51:57,447
No, no, no.
It's not my problem.
It's his problem. Um—
796
00:51:57,573 --> 00:52:01,284
What do you mean?
What is it?
Well, what is it? That's, um—
797
00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:04,662
It's difficult to talk about,
you see, because, um,
798
00:52:04,747 --> 00:52:06,915
I learned about
his problem in confession.
799
00:52:07,041 --> 00:52:10,168
Oh, and you can't—
I can't divulge.
800
00:52:10,294 --> 00:52:13,922
Can you give me a hint?
[ Chuckles ]
801
00:52:14,048 --> 00:52:16,966
Just an idea.
No. Um—
802
00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:20,053
But I can— I can tell you
how, uh— how serious it is.
803
00:52:20,137 --> 00:52:25,141
Um, he and the boys were
playing poker, and one of
the boys turned to him...
804
00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:28,645
and asked him for a ruling
on one of the hands.
805
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:33,775
And Walt said, uh—
He said, "What does it matter?
806
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:36,277
It's only a game."
807
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:39,072
Painless said, "What does it matter?
It's only a game"?
"Only a game."
808
00:52:39,198 --> 00:52:41,366
Poker only a game?
Yeah.
809
00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:44,202
[ Whistles ]
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
That's what I thought.
810
00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:47,163
I guess I better go see
a man about a tooth.
811
00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:50,041
Thank you.
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
812
00:52:50,125 --> 00:52:52,460
I didn't know
what to... do.
813
00:52:52,586 --> 00:52:55,463
Pup-pup.
You see, there are some—
814
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:59,884
[ Hawkeye Whistles ]
Uh, there are some things
that absolution just, uh—
815
00:52:59,969 --> 00:53:01,886
Well—
816
00:53:01,971 --> 00:53:04,973
[ Chattering ]
817
00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:11,020
[ UglyJohn ]
Hey, Hawkeye, there's an empty
chair here looking for a player.
818
00:53:11,105 --> 00:53:13,731
Oh, baby, I've got a toothache
like you can't believe.
819
00:53:13,816 --> 00:53:17,443
[ Murrhardt ]
Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did, I lost $30.
820
00:53:18,487 --> 00:53:21,531
Listen, why do you have to
sit right behind me?
It makes me very nervous.
821
00:53:21,615 --> 00:53:23,700
It brings me a lot of luck.
Sit there, Boone.
822
00:53:23,826 --> 00:53:26,744
[ Man ]
Come on. Let's play, man.
Deuce. Ace.
823
00:53:26,829 --> 00:53:29,330
Can I take
some ofyour scotch?
Sure.
824
00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:31,624
You want some?
No.
825
00:53:33,544 --> 00:53:37,589
How you feeling?
No, no. Don't touch me.
826
00:53:37,673 --> 00:53:39,841
Look. If, uh—
827
00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:43,928
if a man
isn't a man anymore,
828
00:53:45,806 --> 00:53:49,309
what's he got left that, uh—
that he should be living for?
829
00:53:50,978 --> 00:53:52,979
Okay. Tell me about it.
What's the story?
830
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:57,984
Well, you know that, uh,
little nurse that was through here
last night with the 325th?
831
00:53:58,110 --> 00:54:01,863
The little one
with the big... boobs.
Yeah, the— Yeah, I know. Yeah.
832
00:54:01,947 --> 00:54:04,073
Well, anyway, I, uh—
833
00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:06,075
I wasn't gonna
fool around out here...
834
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:08,077
because, you know,
I got these, uh—
835
00:54:08,162 --> 00:54:11,998
I've got these three girls
that I'm engaged to back home.
836
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:15,543
And you wanted to be
faithful to them. Baby, you are
7,000 miles from home-
837
00:54:15,628 --> 00:54:18,463
Anyway, I took her out
last night, and I—
838
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:21,925
I failed.
You mean she wouldn't
put out? But you—
839
00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:25,887
No, she wanted to
in the worst way, but it was me.
I just couldn't. Uh—
840
00:54:26,013 --> 00:54:28,598
Oh, you couldn't—
It wouldn't get—
Yeah, nothing happened.
841
00:54:28,724 --> 00:54:31,976
Not at all. No.
[ Chuckles ]
Baby, that happens to everybody.
842
00:54:32,061 --> 00:54:34,062
It's happened to me
maybe four or five times-
843
00:54:34,146 --> 00:54:36,397
Yeah, well, it's never
happened to me before.
844
00:54:37,942 --> 00:54:41,152
Come on.
You're the best-equipped
dentist in the army.
845
00:54:41,236 --> 00:54:43,404
You're the dental
Don Juan of Detroit.
846
00:54:43,489 --> 00:54:45,490
That's just a cover-up.
847
00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:50,411
What's a cover-up?
Don Juanism. I've been
reading about it all day.
848
00:54:50,537 --> 00:54:53,373
It's a cover-up.
It's a cover-up
for what?
849
00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,377
Well,
850
00:54:59,421 --> 00:55:01,923
I'm a fairy.
851
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:04,175
A victim
of latent homosexuality.
852
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:06,761
I've turned into a fairy.
853
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,227
Uh—
[ Stammers ]
854
00:55:15,771 --> 00:55:17,647
Have you— Have you
done anything? You know.
855
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:20,525
No, but it's only
a matter oftime.
Yeah.
856
00:55:20,609 --> 00:55:23,236
Boy, I just can't face it.
857
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:28,366
Look, Hawkeye.
Suppose that, uh, you found out
that you were one, huh?
858
00:55:28,492 --> 00:55:32,620
One—
Yeah. Well, you wouldn't like
breaking the news to your wife.
859
00:55:32,705 --> 00:55:34,747
No, I can see that that
would be a problem.
860
00:55:34,832 --> 00:55:38,918
Yeah, well, I got
the same problem,
only multiplied.
861
00:55:39,086 --> 00:55:42,255
[ Trapper ]
Well, you know, Man o' War,
862
00:55:42,339 --> 00:55:44,674
after they retired him
from racing,
863
00:55:44,758 --> 00:55:47,927
they put him out to, uh— to stud.
864
00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:52,849
And, uh, he had an average...
865
00:55:52,933 --> 00:55:57,854
of about 1 20, 1 30...
866
00:55:57,938 --> 00:55:59,939
foals every year.
867
00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:02,650
And he lived to be 36.
868
00:56:02,735 --> 00:56:04,694
And then when he died,
they did an autopsy,
869
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:08,031
and they found out
that he was a raving queen.
870
00:56:08,115 --> 00:56:09,991
[ Man Laughing ]
871
00:56:10,075 --> 00:56:12,368
No. That's-
That's a little-known fact,
but it's the truth.
872
00:56:12,453 --> 00:56:15,204
Then Painless has got
a couple of good years
left in him, doesn't he?
873
00:56:15,289 --> 00:56:17,832
Maybe more. He hasn't even
started raving yet.
874
00:56:17,916 --> 00:56:21,836
Painless is a dentist,
and a dentist shouldn't read.
That's his whole problem.
875
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,797
His problem is that
he believes it. I mean,
he really is convinced.
876
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:30,011
This- This—
It's an obsession
and is a viable force.
877
00:56:30,137 --> 00:56:32,096
Here he comes,
the jawbreaker.
Oh.
878
00:56:32,181 --> 00:56:34,182
[ Trapper ]
Don't worry. He's not gonna
break anything ofyours.
879
00:56:34,266 --> 00:56:36,267
[ Duke ]
Just act, uh, natural.
880
00:56:39,646 --> 00:56:41,647
[ Snickers ]
881
00:56:42,649 --> 00:56:44,567
[ Man Chuckles ]
882
00:56:44,651 --> 00:56:46,235
Hi, Painless.
Hi.
883
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:47,779
How's she going?
884
00:56:47,863 --> 00:56:49,447
Something in a marshmallow?
885
00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:55,036
[ Painless ]
No, it's- it's okay, fellas. I know
you've been talking about me, and—
886
00:56:57,664 --> 00:57:01,584
Well, I came over to tell you
that I've decided that I'm...
887
00:57:01,710 --> 00:57:04,087
going to commit suicide.
[ Snickers ]
888
00:57:04,171 --> 00:57:05,505
Oh.
889
00:57:06,882 --> 00:57:09,717
Well, ifyou're really gonna
go ahead and do it,
890
00:57:09,802 --> 00:57:13,596
uh, you think you could—
you could leave me
your record player?
891
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,474
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
892
00:57:17,518 --> 00:57:21,896
Gonna miss you, Painless.
How do you plan to do it?
Uh, .45 between the eyes?
893
00:57:22,022 --> 00:57:25,191
Oh, that's awful sloppy.
[ Murrhardt ]
It's reliable though.
894
00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:28,236
Well, the— That's another thing
I wanted to ask you.
895
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:31,405
I'm, uh, sort of new
at this game and, uh—
896
00:57:31,490 --> 00:57:34,408
Do you have
any particular method
that you'd recommend?
897
00:57:34,493 --> 00:57:37,703
I don't know. I think
my colleagues and I could
come up with something,
898
00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:40,790
uh, to relinquish
the vital forces oftheir-
899
00:57:40,916 --> 00:57:42,834
Black capsule.
Black capsule.
900
00:57:42,918 --> 00:57:45,044
- Oh, but of course.
- [ Murrhardt ]
Yeah, that's neat.
901
00:57:45,129 --> 00:57:47,839
What's a black capsule?
Do you have any ofthem?
Does it work?
902
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:51,551
It worked for Hitler
and Eva Braun.
It's simple, and it's effective.
903
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:53,594
Uh, Hawkeye, I really must—
904
00:57:53,679 --> 00:57:56,597
I should, uh, check with
the military vicar's office.
905
00:57:56,682 --> 00:58:00,935
You see, I cannot give
absolution to a man who is
about to commit suicide.
906
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,147
It's a mortal sin.
Look, Dago, he is not
committing suicide.
907
00:58:04,231 --> 00:58:07,233
He is only intending
to commit suicide, so you're
not dealing with an act.
908
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:09,235
You're dealing with an intention.
909
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:12,321
And if it works-
Ifwhat we're doing works,
then he will not commit suicide.
910
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:14,657
So, therefore,
you are preventing
a mortal sin, okay?
911
00:58:14,783 --> 00:58:16,659
[ Men Chattering ]
Well, I, uh— I should check.
912
00:58:16,785 --> 00:58:19,996
Well, you check on it.
Well, there's—
913
00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:24,542
[ Chattering ]
♪♪ [ Violin Playing "Taps" ]
914
00:58:59,203 --> 00:59:01,621
[ Chattering Continues ]
915
00:59:03,332 --> 00:59:06,083
[ Tapping Glass ]
[ Duke ]
All right, where you at?
916
00:59:06,168 --> 00:59:08,294
Here you go.
917
00:59:08,378 --> 00:59:10,588
Now then, y'all come here...
918
00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:14,717
to say your final farewell
to ol' Walt here.
919
00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,178
[ Trapper ]
Farewell, Walt.
Dear ol' Walt.
920
00:59:17,262 --> 00:59:22,892
You know, I got an idea
that maybe it's not such
a final farewell after all.
921
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:26,687
I think maybe ol' Walt's going on
into the unknown—
922
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:30,691
Say it again.
to do a little recon work
for us all, huh?
923
00:59:30,776 --> 00:59:33,027
I just— I just wanna
say one thing.
924
00:59:33,111 --> 00:59:35,613
Uh, nobody ordered Walt
to go on this mission.
925
00:59:35,697 --> 00:59:37,990
He volunteered
for certain death.
926
00:59:38,116 --> 00:59:41,202
That's true.
That's what we award
our highest medals for.
927
00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,747
That's beautiful.
That's what being a soldier
is all about.
928
00:59:44,831 --> 00:59:47,458
[ Trapper ]
Oh, yeah.
Hear, hear!
929
00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:50,836
Gentlemen, I think
there's only one person...
930
00:59:50,921 --> 00:59:54,131
who has anything to add
to that, and that's Dago Red.
931
00:59:54,216 --> 00:59:57,802
Padre.
Let's hear it
for the padre.
932
00:59:57,886 --> 00:59:59,845
[ Clears Throat ]
933
01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:06,852
Walt, here's-
here's your black capsule.
934
01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,106
Oh.
935
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:13,276
Look, this thing works
pretty fast, doesn't it?
936
01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,778
I think I better go
lie down over there.
937
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:20,116
Uh, Walt, that'll help you.
♪♪ [ Guitar ]
938
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:21,409
Mmm. Thanks.
939
01:00:22,703 --> 01:00:28,708
♪ Through early morning fog
I see ♪
940
01:00:28,792 --> 01:00:33,963
♪ Visions ofthe things
to be ♪
941
01:00:34,047 --> 01:00:39,593
♪ The pains that are
withheld for me ♪
942
01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,638
♪ I realize ♪
943
01:00:42,723 --> 01:00:48,519
♪ And I can see ♪
944
01:00:48,603 --> 01:00:53,482
♪ That suicide is painless ♪
945
01:00:53,567 --> 01:00:58,112
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
946
01:00:58,196 --> 01:01:02,158
♪ And I can take or leave it ♪
947
01:01:02,242 --> 01:01:07,246
♪ If I please ♪
948
01:01:07,331 --> 01:01:11,751
♪ The game of life
is hard to play ♪
949
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:15,921
♪ I'm going to lose it
anyway ♪
950
01:01:16,006 --> 01:01:20,343
♪ The losing card
I'll someday lay ♪
951
01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:26,849
♪ So this is all I have to say ♪
952
01:01:26,975 --> 01:01:31,228
♪ That suicide is painless ♪
Wherever you're going,
Painless, good luck.
953
01:01:31,313 --> 01:01:33,105
♪ It brings on ♪
[ Indistinct ]
954
01:01:33,190 --> 01:01:35,566
♪ Many changes ♪
955
01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:38,736
♪ And I can take ♪
956
01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:41,113
♪ Or leave it if I ♪
I'll always remember you
just like this.
957
01:01:41,198 --> 01:01:44,367
♪ Please ♪
958
01:01:44,451 --> 01:01:48,162
♪ The only way to win
is cheat ♪
959
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:52,458
♪ And lay it down
before I'm beat ♪
960
01:01:52,584 --> 01:01:54,835
Mm-hmm.
♪ And to another ♪
961
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:57,004
♪ Give my seat ♪
962
01:01:57,130 --> 01:01:59,298
[ Whistles, Clicks Tongue ]
♪ For that's the only ♪
963
01:01:59,383 --> 01:02:03,177
♪ Painless feat ♪
Painless.
964
01:02:04,304 --> 01:02:08,265
♪ And suicide is painless ♪
965
01:02:08,392 --> 01:02:11,227
♪ It brings on many ♪
It was a really nice evening.
Thanks for asking me.
966
01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:12,478
♪ Changes ♪
967
01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:14,605
♪ And I can take ♪
968
01:02:14,731 --> 01:02:17,733
♪ Or leave it if I please ♪
The thing is—
969
01:02:17,818 --> 01:02:20,653
throwing your
whole education away.
970
01:02:22,906 --> 01:02:25,574
♪ And you ♪
Good-bye, Jawbreaker.
971
01:02:25,659 --> 01:02:27,785
♪ Can do ♪
972
01:02:27,869 --> 01:02:31,372
♪ The same thing ♪
973
01:02:31,456 --> 01:02:34,875
♪ Ifyou ♪
974
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:42,716
♪ Please ♪♪
975
01:02:59,734 --> 01:03:01,861
Hi, baby.
976
01:03:01,945 --> 01:03:05,114
Hi.
I'm glad you could come.
977
01:03:05,198 --> 01:03:07,783
Sorry it was so late.
That's okay.
978
01:03:07,868 --> 01:03:10,619
I really couldn't sleep anyway.
I was so nervous.
979
01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,963
You leaving tomorrow?
980
01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:25,676
[ Sighs ] Mmm, yeah,
I'll be on my way
in less than 1 2 hours.
981
01:03:27,387 --> 01:03:31,056
I suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on, though, is your husband.
982
01:03:33,393 --> 01:03:37,646
Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?
983
01:03:37,731 --> 01:03:40,232
I mean, a man would be
more considerate to his wife.
984
01:03:40,317 --> 01:03:42,318
He wouldn't go home
a nervous wreck.
985
01:03:42,402 --> 01:03:45,946
You're just gonna have to
stop using logic.
986
01:03:46,072 --> 01:03:48,324
It could be
a purely impersonal thing.
You're just proving...
987
01:03:48,408 --> 01:03:51,452
why I shouldn't
go to bed with you.
988
01:03:51,536 --> 01:03:53,746
I didn't mean me.
989
01:03:56,833 --> 01:04:00,044
[ Hawkeye ]
You have the rare privilege that
happens on certain occasions...
990
01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:03,214
to chief executives
of states or nations.
991
01:04:03,298 --> 01:04:07,510
You have the privilege of restoring
a human being's life...
992
01:04:07,594 --> 01:04:09,845
by a tender act of mercy.
993
01:04:09,930 --> 01:04:12,348
What is this?
994
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:15,309
Hawkeye,
is he dead?
995
01:04:15,393 --> 01:04:20,105
No, no, he's not dead.
Not yet.
996
01:04:21,358 --> 01:04:23,526
Painless has a grave
psychological problem,
997
01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:25,778
and you are the only person
who can help him.
998
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:29,532
Oh, no, Hawkeye.
Oh, no. Come on.
999
01:04:29,616 --> 01:04:32,201
[ Hawkeye ]
No, Maria, no. You've gotta
look on this as a nurse.
1000
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:35,079
Painless needs it
for therapeutic value.
1001
01:04:35,163 --> 01:04:38,123
It will help him,
and it certainly wouldn't
do you any harm either...
1002
01:04:38,208 --> 01:04:40,125
to think about it for a bit.
1003
01:04:40,210 --> 01:04:43,462
Ifyou think that your virtue
is more important
than Painless's life, that's fine.
1004
01:04:43,547 --> 01:04:46,549
That's entirely up to you.
I just want you to stay here...
1005
01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:49,134
and be with him for a minute.
1006
01:04:49,219 --> 01:04:54,390
Just look at him.
Just... stay close to the—
1007
01:04:54,474 --> 01:04:57,059
Oh, Hawkeye.
the whole man...
1008
01:04:57,143 --> 01:04:58,644
and look at him.
1009
01:05:02,816 --> 01:05:06,193
[ Curtains Rustle ]
Hawkeye.
1010
01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,739
Oh, this is ridiculous.
1011
01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:14,493
♪♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
1012
01:05:19,833 --> 01:05:36,599
♪♪ [ Swells ]
1013
01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:49,278
You forgot your hat.
1014
01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:51,614
You wouldn't want to
leave without a souvenir.
1015
01:05:51,698 --> 01:05:53,616
Have a good trip.
1016
01:05:55,201 --> 01:05:57,870
Lieutenant Schneider,
you forgot to pick up
your traveling orders.
1017
01:05:57,954 --> 01:06:01,540
Wait a second.
You're supposed to pick-
These are your traveling orders.
1018
01:06:07,464 --> 01:06:10,591
Morning, Painless.
Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
1019
01:06:10,675 --> 01:06:12,593
How's she going?
1020
01:06:12,677 --> 01:06:14,553
Slept like a doll
last night.
1021
01:06:14,679 --> 01:06:16,597
Mm-hmm.
Well, can't waste time.
Big day.
1022
01:06:16,681 --> 01:06:19,266
Got two jaws to rebuild.
Come on, Seidman.
1023
01:06:21,019 --> 01:06:22,936
Have a good day.
1024
01:06:26,024 --> 01:06:27,941
[ Whistles ]
1025
01:06:46,086 --> 01:06:47,961
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Attention.
1026
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,798
Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held this-
1027
01:06:50,924 --> 01:06:55,010
- will not- will not be held this Friday,
due to mitigating circumstances.
- ♪♪ [ Hawkeye Whistles ]
1028
01:06:55,095 --> 01:06:58,347
For those who wish
to observe said holiday,
Sunday has been reserved.
1029
01:06:58,431 --> 01:07:00,307
That is all.
1030
01:07:00,433 --> 01:07:02,935
[ Hawkeye ]
Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
[ Trapper ] Knife.
1031
01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:04,311
[ Man ]
Okay.
1032
01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:06,939
[ Houlihan ] That man
is a prisoner ofwar, Doctor.
So are you, sweetheart,
1033
01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:08,899
but you don't know it.
1034
01:07:09,025 --> 01:07:12,027
[ Hawkeye ] It's in pretty deep.
[ Duke ] Uh, I think
that was my finger.
1035
01:07:12,112 --> 01:07:15,906
Yeah, I'm gonna need
your help, Hawkeye.
It's hit more than a lung.
1036
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:19,034
What do you think?
I don't know.
1037
01:07:19,119 --> 01:07:20,786
Hey, Radar?
Yes, sir.
1038
01:07:20,870 --> 01:07:24,039
Radar, has that A-negative
come in from Seoul yet?
I need some right away.
1039
01:07:24,124 --> 01:07:26,041
We keep ordering it,
but it never arrives.
1040
01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:28,502
How'd the kid take
the induction, Ugly?
Good.
1041
01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:31,755
He's ready.
[ Man ]
Let's have some irrigation, please.
1042
01:07:31,840 --> 01:07:33,799
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
1043
01:07:33,883 --> 01:07:35,801
[ Duke ]
All right, give me
some gel foam.
1044
01:07:36,886 --> 01:07:39,304
Not now, honey.
Go back to sleep.
1045
01:07:47,981 --> 01:07:50,190
[ Trapper ]
Scissors.
1046
01:07:50,316 --> 01:07:52,693
[ Hawkeye ]
Sponge.
[ Houlihan ] More sponges.
1047
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:54,820
[ Man ]
Let's have the suction up here, please.
Thank you.
1048
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,822
Rib spreader.
1049
01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:58,073
Clamp.
1050
01:07:58,158 --> 01:08:01,910
Let's give him
a sexy scar, huh?
Fantastic.
1051
01:08:01,995 --> 01:08:03,620
[ UglyJohn ]
There's a lot of blood.
Sponge.
1052
01:08:03,747 --> 01:08:05,706
[ Duke ]
Go ahead.
Scissors. Watch it.
1053
01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:08,375
[ Duke ] Give me something
to stuff it in with.
Clamp.
1054
01:08:08,501 --> 01:08:10,377
[ Man ] Pickups for me.
How's he tolerating this,
UglyJohn?
1055
01:08:10,503 --> 01:08:12,588
Good. He's young.
Things get slippery
in there, man.
1056
01:08:12,672 --> 01:08:14,840
Ouch!
You're a backhanded guy.
1057
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,050
Let me have the forceps
and a sponge stick.
1058
01:08:17,135 --> 01:08:20,512
Hot Lips, you may be
a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.
1059
01:08:20,597 --> 01:08:22,598
Thanks, Trapper.
1060
01:08:22,682 --> 01:08:24,600
Put enough blood in him,
will you, John?
1061
01:08:24,684 --> 01:08:27,936
There's a clot in the cava
above the atrium.
That must be the point of entry.
1062
01:08:28,021 --> 01:08:29,938
Clamp.
1063
01:08:31,608 --> 01:08:37,488
I— I feel a fragment
right underneath the clot.
You control the cava.
1064
01:08:37,614 --> 01:08:40,449
[ Murrhardt ]
We gotta stop that spurting.
Clamp.
1065
01:08:40,533 --> 01:08:42,868
[ Duke ] Do what?
[ Murrhardt ]
Stop the spurting.
1066
01:08:42,994 --> 01:08:45,454
[ Duke ]
That's a very good technical term, Doctor.
This is yours.
1067
01:08:45,538 --> 01:08:50,042
Oh, Christ, it's not in the cava.
It's in the pulmonary artery
on the left side.
1068
01:08:50,126 --> 01:08:53,170
Then we close him up
and sit on him for a couple days
until we get the blood.
1069
01:08:53,296 --> 01:08:56,256
We can't sit on him.
What ifwe getjammed?
We don't have the blood.
1070
01:08:56,382 --> 01:08:59,259
[ Both Talking At Once ]
Ifyou cut again,
you'll lose him.
1071
01:08:59,344 --> 01:09:03,430
Look, Hawkeye,
the artery can erode.
1072
01:09:03,515 --> 01:09:06,016
Now's the time
to take our shot.
We gotta shoot crap.
1073
01:09:06,100 --> 01:09:08,060
A-negative.
It's been cross-matched.
1074
01:09:08,186 --> 01:09:10,479
You said you didn't have
any blood.
I found a donor.
1075
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:12,940
[ UglyJohn ]
You know, up close,
all crumpled up like that,
1076
01:09:13,024 --> 01:09:15,567
they don't look like much,
you know.
1077
01:09:15,652 --> 01:09:17,778
[ Bandini ]
Hey, was he loaded or empty
when he crashed?
1078
01:09:17,862 --> 01:09:20,823
[ Murrhardt ]
No, he was loaded.
But it didn't matter much.
1079
01:09:20,907 --> 01:09:24,201
See, the, uh— the two guys
he was carrying
were dead already.
1080
01:09:24,285 --> 01:09:26,161
What about the pilot?
What happened to him?
1081
01:09:26,246 --> 01:09:28,413
The pilot's fine.
Took off a kneecap.
1082
01:09:28,498 --> 01:09:30,791
He lost function in his right hand,
but he's great.
1083
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:34,253
I— I didn't hear.
What color was her hair?
1084
01:09:34,379 --> 01:09:37,047
Black, shiny.
Shiny black hair.
[ Barking ]
1085
01:09:37,131 --> 01:09:39,550
Black. You like black.
1086
01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:42,386
I-I'm kind of partial
to blonde myself.
1087
01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:46,181
I knew it.
I knew you had a—
had an attraction...
1088
01:09:46,307 --> 01:09:48,475
for Hot Lips Houlihan.
Hear, hear!
1089
01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:52,521
Go to hell, Captain Pierce.
You know I damn near puke
every time I look at her.
1090
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,524
Besides, she's-
I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
1091
01:09:55,608 --> 01:10:00,112
How dare you say that
about an officer
ofthe United States Army, sir!
1092
01:10:00,196 --> 01:10:04,825
I'll not only say it,
but I'll back it with 20 bucks.
How's that?
1093
01:10:04,909 --> 01:10:07,786
You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.
1094
01:10:07,871 --> 01:10:10,789
I'll be a witness,
but who's gonna be
the poor schmuck who finds out?
1095
01:10:10,874 --> 01:10:15,377
Well, uh, I-I could,
if no one else want—
I—
1096
01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,546
No, no, we—
1097
01:10:17,630 --> 01:10:21,884
We gotta all see it
together somehow.
1098
01:10:21,968 --> 01:10:23,927
[ Ice Rattling ]
1099
01:10:30,602 --> 01:10:33,478
♪♪ [ Humming ]
1100
01:10:34,689 --> 01:10:37,774
You know, it's five minutes
after the time the nurses
usually take their shower.
1101
01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:41,445
Where are they?
They will be here.
1102
01:10:41,529 --> 01:10:44,573
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.
1103
01:10:44,657 --> 01:10:46,533
What's happening?
Radar.
1104
01:10:46,659 --> 01:10:48,577
Did you bring us the papers?
What?
1105
01:10:48,661 --> 01:10:50,537
You don't know
about the papers?
What papers?
1106
01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:53,040
The colonel left some papers.
They're very important.
Why didn't you tell me?
1107
01:10:53,124 --> 01:10:55,042
I tried to tell you.
1108
01:10:56,044 --> 01:11:00,088
Uh, uh, here you go.
Here you go.
They're coming.
1109
01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:09,222
[ Chattering ]
1110
01:11:09,307 --> 01:11:11,683
Evelyn, could you
give me a hand?
Sure.
1111
01:11:11,768 --> 01:11:15,187
Hey, uh, Frankie,
could you take a look
at my corns, please?
1112
01:11:16,606 --> 01:11:18,649
[ Hawkeye ]
Knocko, the pictures
of my kids have come.
1113
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:22,235
Pictures of my kids have come.
Hot Lips, would you like to
see the pictures of my kids?
1114
01:11:22,362 --> 01:11:24,947
I'm not the slightest bit
interested.
Hey, Scorch?
1115
01:11:25,031 --> 01:11:26,531
All right.
1116
01:11:36,626 --> 01:11:38,543
[ Dog Barking ]
1117
01:11:49,389 --> 01:11:51,348
[ Water Running ]
1118
01:12:06,990 --> 01:12:10,701
♪♪ [ Houlihan Singing, Indistinct ]
1119
01:12:10,785 --> 01:12:14,079
Oh!
♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]
1120
01:12:17,500 --> 01:12:22,254
Fight! Fight! Fight!
♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]
1121
01:12:25,383 --> 01:12:27,300
[ Houlihan Laughing ]
1122
01:12:27,385 --> 01:12:31,138
♪♪ [ Guitar ]
♪♪ [ Drumroll On Barrel ]
1123
01:12:31,222 --> 01:12:32,180
[ Dog Barking ]
1124
01:12:32,265 --> 01:12:36,101
[ Screaming ]
1125
01:12:36,185 --> 01:12:39,312
Bravo!
[ All Hollering, Whistling ]
1126
01:12:39,397 --> 01:12:42,858
You finks! You finks!
1127
01:12:42,942 --> 01:12:45,235
Bravo! Bravo!
1128
01:12:45,319 --> 01:12:49,781
What a performance!
Bravo! Author!
[ Indistinct Yelling ]
1129
01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:53,869
Bravo!
What a performance!
1130
01:12:53,953 --> 01:12:56,830
Bravo!
Author! Author!
1131
01:12:56,956 --> 01:13:01,334
Twenty bucks, huh?
You win the bet.
1132
01:13:01,419 --> 01:13:03,837
You bastards!
1133
01:13:05,882 --> 01:13:08,383
Keep my stuff!
1134
01:13:11,596 --> 01:13:14,806
[ Breathing Heavily ]
1135
01:13:14,932 --> 01:13:16,892
Major, what went on
over there?
Where's Colonel Blake?
1136
01:13:16,976 --> 01:13:18,894
Wait a second. You can't go
and see Colonel Blake.
1137
01:13:18,978 --> 01:13:21,146
You shut up, you twerp!
1138
01:13:24,442 --> 01:13:26,359
[ Grunts ]
1139
01:13:27,820 --> 01:13:31,490
This isn't a hospital!
It's an insane asylum!
1140
01:13:31,574 --> 01:13:36,161
And it's your fault because
you don't do anything
to discourage them!
1141
01:13:36,287 --> 01:13:39,873
What do you want me to do?
Put them under arrest.
1142
01:13:39,957 --> 01:13:44,836
See what a court-martial thinks
oftheir drunken hooliganism!
1143
01:13:44,921 --> 01:13:49,633
First they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them
get away with it!
1144
01:13:49,717 --> 01:13:53,845
And then you let them
get away with everything!
1145
01:13:53,930 --> 01:13:56,765
If-Ifyou don't...
1146
01:13:56,849 --> 01:14:00,769
turn them over
to the M.P.'s this minute,
1147
01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:05,440
I-I'm going to resign
my commission!
1148
01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:09,736
Goddamn it, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.
1149
01:14:09,821 --> 01:14:13,865
[ Whimpering ]
1150
01:14:13,950 --> 01:14:22,457
My commission!
1151
01:14:22,542 --> 01:14:24,584
Little more wine, my dear?
1152
01:14:24,669 --> 01:14:26,586
Yes, please.
1153
01:14:29,632 --> 01:14:32,134
[ Speaking Korean ]
Is that right? Sure?
1154
01:14:32,218 --> 01:14:34,469
[ Speaking Korean ]
[ Chattering ]
1155
01:14:34,554 --> 01:14:36,471
[ Scorch ]
You have to get your mother
her present first.
1156
01:14:36,597 --> 01:14:39,724
You know what I wanna get her?
They have these—
[ Speaking Korean ]
1157
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:42,477
[ Boone Continues, Indistinct ]
1158
01:14:42,562 --> 01:14:44,271
Come on.
You all right?
1159
01:14:44,397 --> 01:14:46,857
Let him get what he wants.
We'll go to the movie.
Keep it straight, eh?
1160
01:14:46,941 --> 01:14:48,817
[ Scorch ]
First of all, the present.
Then dinner, then the movie.
1161
01:14:48,943 --> 01:14:51,111
You mean
all three of us?
Who is this?
1162
01:14:51,237 --> 01:14:54,322
Where I go, Warren goes.
You don't want me
to go with you?
1163
01:14:54,407 --> 01:14:56,324
Boone.
1164
01:14:56,409 --> 01:14:59,119
[ Murrhardt ]
It's not that. I—
[ Whispering ]
1165
01:14:59,203 --> 01:15:01,955
[ Scorch ]
Oh, yes, I do!
1166
01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:05,625
He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.
1167
01:15:07,044 --> 01:15:09,921
[ Chattering In Korean ]
[ Scorch ]
Come on, Bandini!
1168
01:15:10,006 --> 01:15:12,465
[ Bandini ]
Wilma—
[ Arguing Continues ]
1169
01:15:12,550 --> 01:15:15,051
[ Hawkeye Whistling,
Shouting In Korean ]
1170
01:15:15,136 --> 01:15:17,053
[ Continues In Korean ]
1171
01:15:17,138 --> 01:15:19,139
[ Woman ]
Hey, soldier!
1172
01:15:21,142 --> 01:15:23,226
Me?
Yeah, you.
1173
01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:26,730
Where you from?
A MASH outfit
on the front line.
1174
01:15:26,814 --> 01:15:30,734
- No, I mean your hometown.
- Uh, on the East Coast.
1175
01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:33,278
Have you been wounded yet?
1176
01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:38,575
Uh, yeah, a little.
A slight, uh—
1177
01:15:38,659 --> 01:15:40,535
Would you like to say hello
to your mother?
1178
01:15:40,620 --> 01:15:43,246
Uh, my mother's dead, actually.
She's deceased.
1179
01:15:43,331 --> 01:15:45,832
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
1180
01:15:45,917 --> 01:15:47,876
I'd like to say hello
to my father if I could.
1181
01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,920
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fine, fine.
1182
01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:54,341
Hi, Dad.
1183
01:15:54,425 --> 01:15:56,343
[ Speaks Korean ]
1184
01:16:10,608 --> 01:16:14,194
[ Chattering ]
1185
01:16:14,278 --> 01:16:17,739
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1186
01:16:18,908 --> 01:16:20,575
Excuse me.
Hi.
1187
01:16:20,660 --> 01:16:23,745
I am making an examination
ofthis young man,
1188
01:16:23,829 --> 01:16:26,915
uh, to find out if he would
be a soldier in our army.
1189
01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:29,876
Oh, yeah, I know.
Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she going, boy?
1190
01:16:29,961 --> 01:16:33,088
His heartbeat
is much too fast,
1191
01:16:33,172 --> 01:16:36,841
and his, uh, blood pressure
is dangerously high.
1192
01:16:36,926 --> 01:16:40,178
Oh, yeah? Ooh.
1193
01:16:40,263 --> 01:16:42,889
I guess you probably think
he's unfit for the army, eh?
1194
01:16:42,974 --> 01:16:45,850
Yes, at first.
But when I saw on his paper...
1195
01:16:45,935 --> 01:16:49,896
he worked in
an American hospital
where there are many drugs,
1196
01:16:49,981 --> 01:16:52,357
and he could have taken
some by mistake.
1197
01:16:52,483 --> 01:16:55,735
What would he do a thing
like that for?
Who knows?
1198
01:16:55,820 --> 01:16:59,114
To find the truth,
I will keep him here with me
for a couple days.
1199
01:16:59,198 --> 01:17:02,534
By tomorrow, his fast heart
and high blood pressure
may be gone.
1200
01:17:02,660 --> 01:17:05,954
Look-
So-So I suggest you say
good-bye to him now.
1201
01:17:06,038 --> 01:17:08,623
Doctor, I will level—
Nice try.
It was a nice try.
1202
01:17:08,708 --> 01:17:11,960
Come on, Ho-Jon.
Babe, hey—
1203
01:17:14,714 --> 01:17:17,424
Oh, man!
1204
01:17:17,508 --> 01:17:19,718
[ Man On P.A. ]
The following program
is brought to you...
1205
01:17:19,802 --> 01:17:23,096
through Radio Tokyo
by courtesy of
the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
1206
01:17:23,180 --> 01:17:26,850
post number 63
of Sedalia, Missouri.
1207
01:17:26,934 --> 01:17:30,562
A federal court ruled
that E.I. du Pont de Nemours
and Company,
1208
01:17:30,646 --> 01:17:32,772
Remington Arms Company,
Incorporated...
1209
01:17:32,857 --> 01:17:35,984
and the Imperial Chemical
Industries Limited of Great Britain...
1210
01:17:36,068 --> 01:17:41,323
have conspired to divide
munitions and chemical markets-
[ Fades ]
1211
01:17:41,407 --> 01:17:43,366
Fore!
1212
01:17:46,662 --> 01:17:51,750
[ Hawkeye Yells, Indistinct ]
1213
01:18:01,927 --> 01:18:03,803
[ Dogs Barking ]
1214
01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:06,431
[ Woman ]
Hey!
[ Hawkeye ] Idiot!
1215
01:18:06,515 --> 01:18:10,518
Idiot!
He knocked me down the hill.
He broke my umbrella.
1216
01:18:12,772 --> 01:18:16,608
Wish they wouldn't land
these things here
when we're playing golf.
1217
01:18:19,528 --> 01:18:21,071
That's him on the right.
Fore!
1218
01:18:21,197 --> 01:18:23,531
Whoa! Wait! Wait!
That's Captain Mc—
1219
01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:26,159
The lieutenant's come
all the way from Seoul, sir,
just to see you.
1220
01:18:26,285 --> 01:18:28,953
You're Captain McIntyre?
Yes, I'm Captain McIn—
1221
01:18:29,038 --> 01:18:31,539
Lieutenant, you look terrible.
Look at—
1222
01:18:31,624 --> 01:18:33,958
Captain, look at his eyes.
Let me see your tongue.
1223
01:18:34,043 --> 01:18:37,712
Oh, no, no.
Here, take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.
1224
01:18:37,797 --> 01:18:41,383
I haven't seen a case like this
since I was in school.
Oh, my goodness.
1225
01:18:41,467 --> 01:18:44,552
Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgery.
1226
01:18:44,637 --> 01:18:47,389
This is one case in five.
I think I can save you, Lieutenant.
1227
01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:50,100
You're to proceed
to Kokura, Japan
immediately.
1228
01:18:50,184 --> 01:18:52,394
Kokura, Japan?
What's this all about?
1229
01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:56,606
Yeah, his dad's a congressman.
Grenade went off in practice.
There's a piece in his heart.
1230
01:18:56,732 --> 01:18:59,359
What?
GI's dad's a congressman.
1231
01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:01,945
Grenade went off in practice.
There's a piece in his heart.
1232
01:19:02,071 --> 01:19:04,864
Is that the X-rays?
Yeah.
1233
01:19:04,949 --> 01:19:09,119
Apparently some big
heart surgeon in Boston
told the congressman...
1234
01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:14,749
the only man
to take care of his son
is Captain John McIntyre.
1235
01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:19,587
Of course, I suppose
there could be two
Captain John McIntyres.
1236
01:19:19,672 --> 01:19:21,840
No, no,
I'm the onlyJohn McIntyre.
1237
01:19:21,924 --> 01:19:24,843
Look, Hammond says
I can take along someone
to assist me if I need him.
1238
01:19:24,969 --> 01:19:27,637
You wanna come?
Yeah.
1239
01:19:27,721 --> 01:19:29,431
Lieutenant,
I think I can save you.
1240
01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,766
Look, take one of these
every half hour.
1241
01:19:31,851 --> 01:19:34,727
Now get into your helicopter
and button up your shirt,
for crying out loud.
1242
01:19:34,812 --> 01:19:37,230
You're in a military army!
1243
01:19:37,356 --> 01:19:40,233
That piece isn't even
close to his heart.
I know. I know.
1244
01:19:40,317 --> 01:19:43,736
It's nothing, but how many times
do you get to go to Japan
with your golf clubs?
1245
01:19:43,863 --> 01:19:45,488
Come on, Shirley.
[ Chuckling ]
1246
01:20:03,174 --> 01:20:05,884
[ Hawkeye And Trapper
Imitating Japanese ]
1247
01:20:16,228 --> 01:20:18,563
Goddamn army.
1248
01:20:18,647 --> 01:20:22,400
[ Imitating Japanese ]
1249
01:20:24,028 --> 01:20:28,531
[Japanese Continues ]
1250
01:20:28,657 --> 01:20:31,534
Goddamn army.
[Japanese Continues ]
1251
01:20:36,916 --> 01:20:40,585
[ Engine Sputters ]
Goddamn armyjeep!
1252
01:20:44,798 --> 01:20:48,134
Excuse me, soldier.
I wonder ifyou could tell me
where the congressman's son is.
1253
01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:50,553
He's in ward six.
Darling, would you
register for us?
1254
01:20:50,638 --> 01:20:55,183
Just a moment.
You can't go in there.
Who are you?
1255
01:20:55,267 --> 01:20:58,811
Who am I?
I am the pro from Dover,
and this is my favorite caddy.
1256
01:20:58,896 --> 01:21:00,813
You can't go in till I call
Captain Peterson.
1257
01:21:00,898 --> 01:21:03,775
Wait a second.
If this soldier wants to
enforce her own orders,
1258
01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:05,735
I'm gonna take her on
single-handedly.
You can't go in.
1259
01:21:05,819 --> 01:21:07,695
[ All Yelling At Once ]
1260
01:21:07,821 --> 01:21:11,241
You open this!
He's won
two Purple Hearts.
1261
01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:14,536
- I'm gonna ravage your body, lady!
- You stay away from me.
I'll call the police.
1262
01:21:14,662 --> 01:21:17,497
I have not seen
such a pretty lady!
You can't come in here! Who are you?
1263
01:21:17,581 --> 01:21:19,541
I'm gonna call Captain Peterson.
You stay away from me!
1264
01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:22,669
- And I'm gonna swallow it and chew it!
- [ Screams ]
1265
01:21:22,753 --> 01:21:24,504
Oh! Oh!
1266
01:21:25,673 --> 01:21:28,967
- Captain Peterson, please.
- Captain Peterson!
1267
01:21:29,051 --> 01:21:31,302
[ Mutters ]
[ Patient Groaning ]
1268
01:21:33,722 --> 01:21:35,890
What are you two hoodlums
doing in this hospital?
1269
01:21:35,975 --> 01:21:38,142
Ma'am, we are surgeons,
and we are here to operate.
1270
01:21:38,227 --> 01:21:40,144
We're just waiting for
a starting time, that's all.
1271
01:21:40,229 --> 01:21:42,814
You can't even go near
a patient until Colonel Merrill
says it's okay.
1272
01:21:42,940 --> 01:21:46,109
And he's still out to lunch.
Look, Mother, I want to
go to work in one hour.
1273
01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,529
We are the pros from Dover,
and we figure to crack
this kid's chest...
1274
01:21:49,613 --> 01:21:51,614
and get out to the golf course
before it gets dark.
1275
01:21:51,699 --> 01:21:54,951
So you go find the gas passer,
and you have him premedicate
this patient.
1276
01:21:55,035 --> 01:21:58,955
Then bring me the latest pictures
on him. The ones we saw
must be 48 hours old by now.
1277
01:21:59,039 --> 01:22:01,624
Then call the kitchen and have them
rustle us up some lunch.
1278
01:22:01,709 --> 01:22:04,586
Ham and eggs will be all right.
Steak would be even better.
1279
01:22:04,670 --> 01:22:08,506
Then give me at least one nurse
who knows how to work in close
without getting her tits in my way.
1280
01:22:08,591 --> 01:22:10,258
[ Gasps ]
1281
01:22:10,342 --> 01:22:12,302
Oh! You fool!
1282
01:22:14,179 --> 01:22:16,139
How do you want
your steak cooked?
1283
01:22:22,021 --> 01:22:23,521
Towel.
1284
01:22:28,527 --> 01:22:30,820
Say the magic word,
you make a hundred dollars.
1285
01:22:35,701 --> 01:22:38,953
All right,
I demand an explanation.
1286
01:22:39,038 --> 01:22:41,497
[ Hawkeye ]
Somebody get that dirty old man
out ofthis operating theater.
1287
01:22:41,582 --> 01:22:44,959
Dirty old man?
I'm Colonel Merrill.
1288
01:22:45,044 --> 01:22:48,671
[ Hawkeye ] I don't care
ifyou're Jack Armstrong,
the all-American boy.
1289
01:22:48,756 --> 01:22:52,717
If his chest gets infected,
I will tell the congressman
who did it.
1290
01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:56,054
Scissors, please.
[ Trapper ] Here, let me have
a skin "sutch."
1291
01:22:56,138 --> 01:22:58,056
Low pickups.
1292
01:22:58,140 --> 01:22:59,849
Who was that?
1293
01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,478
That's Colonel Merrill.
This is his little store here.
1294
01:23:03,562 --> 01:23:07,023
Oh, yeah?
Who are you?
1295
01:23:07,107 --> 01:23:09,859
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually.
This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
1296
01:23:09,943 --> 01:23:12,362
[ Grunting ]
1297
01:23:12,446 --> 01:23:17,367
Listen, why don't you save your
rapier-like wit for the clam diggers
back home, Hawkeye.
1298
01:23:18,619 --> 01:23:21,913
Hmm.
Approximator.
1299
01:23:21,997 --> 01:23:27,001
[ Hawkeye ]
Did I ever tell you
about my friend Me Lay Marston?
1300
01:23:27,086 --> 01:23:29,671
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that friend ofyours
who would go around saying...
1301
01:23:29,755 --> 01:23:31,422
"Me Lay, you lay,"
to all the girls.
1302
01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:36,010
And, what, he'd score once
out of 50 times, huh?
Yeah, you told me about him.
1303
01:23:36,095 --> 01:23:38,763
He's passing gas for
the congressman's son here.
1304
01:23:38,847 --> 01:23:41,808
Oh, really?
When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?
1305
01:23:41,892 --> 01:23:44,686
I don't know.
Do you play golf?
1306
01:23:44,770 --> 01:23:46,688
No. I have no time
for golf.
1307
01:23:46,772 --> 01:23:50,775
I'm moonlighting down
at Dr. Yamachi's New Era
Hospital and Whorehouse.
1308
01:23:50,859 --> 01:23:53,111
This old guy that I met
when I first came over here-
1309
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,862
He's got a little crude
hospital for kids,
1310
01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:58,199
and he finances it
with a whorehouse,
all in the same building.
1311
01:23:58,283 --> 01:24:02,203
It's the N.E.H.W.H.
Come on down, and we'll get
something going for you.
1312
01:24:02,287 --> 01:24:04,205
I've got an in
in Kokura.
1313
01:24:04,289 --> 01:24:06,499
Here, soldier,
take these.
1314
01:24:06,583 --> 01:24:08,584
Take our golf carts. Be careful.
Don't drop any of those things...
1315
01:24:08,711 --> 01:24:11,003
'cause we're gonna play golf
with 'em.
It's important. Bye, pimp.
1316
01:24:12,631 --> 01:24:14,048
Ladies.
Girls.
1317
01:24:14,133 --> 01:24:17,301
Gentlemen.
Be careful ofthat—
1318
01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:19,887
Military police.
[ Howls ]
1319
01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:41,033
All right, fellas.
The game's over.
1320
01:24:42,369 --> 01:24:44,287
Finally caught up
with us, huh?
1321
01:24:44,371 --> 01:24:45,955
[ Exhales ]
1322
01:24:46,081 --> 01:24:48,916
[ Sighs ]
Where did we fail?
1323
01:24:49,001 --> 01:24:51,085
I don't know.
I think it was the woman.
1324
01:24:51,170 --> 01:24:53,337
Something tells me
I've seen her someplace before.
1325
01:24:54,548 --> 01:24:56,883
She was the one
in Tangiers.
1326
01:24:56,967 --> 01:25:00,636
You can wait
in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
1327
01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:08,436
Sir.
1328
01:25:12,065 --> 01:25:14,025
We don't blame you.
1329
01:25:16,820 --> 01:25:18,738
You were only doing yourjob.
1330
01:25:18,822 --> 01:25:20,948
[ Man On Radio ]
United Press International...
1331
01:25:21,033 --> 01:25:24,952
today voted the Korean War
the top news story...
1332
01:25:25,037 --> 01:25:27,163
of 1 95 1 .
Shh! We're in the middle of putting.
1333
01:25:27,289 --> 01:25:30,082
The Allied high position
in Germany-
My God.
1334
01:25:30,209 --> 01:25:34,587
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
All right.
You men are under arrest.
1335
01:25:34,713 --> 01:25:37,799
I'll have you
court-martialed.
Ah, come off it, Colonel.
1336
01:25:37,883 --> 01:25:40,468
You won't have us.
We have you.
1337
01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:45,807
Your boys blew this case,
and we... bailed you out.
1338
01:25:45,891 --> 01:25:48,476
Now, we are going to
stay here for one more day...
1339
01:25:48,560 --> 01:25:51,312
and check out
the congressman's kid...
1340
01:25:51,396 --> 01:25:53,314
and—
[ Groans ]
1341
01:25:53,398 --> 01:25:55,691
get in some golf for ourselves.
1342
01:25:55,776 --> 01:25:59,278
If that's okay with you,
then we got a deal.
1343
01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:02,114
And if it isn't,
then we can always
call Washington...
1344
01:26:02,199 --> 01:26:04,867
and you tell them your story,
and we'll tell them ours.
1345
01:26:04,993 --> 01:26:07,620
It's simple as that.
In the meantime,
we are going to be...
1346
01:26:07,704 --> 01:26:10,998
at the pro shop, where we are
going to have a shower and a shave.
1347
01:26:11,083 --> 01:26:15,461
Ifyou want to get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.
[ Pops Lips ]
1348
01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:19,507
[ Snickering ]
1349
01:26:19,633 --> 01:26:22,051
[ Woman Speaking Japanese ]
[ Whispering ]
Is that a client?
1350
01:26:22,135 --> 01:26:26,889
[ Woman ]
Is it— Is it— Oh, no.
[ Laughs ]
1351
01:26:27,015 --> 01:26:29,767
[ Speaks Japanese ]
[ Chattering ]
1352
01:26:29,852 --> 01:26:31,894
[ Indistinct ]
1353
01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:34,313
I've got sinuses too.
Put some ofthat
in that one.
1354
01:26:34,398 --> 01:26:36,357
Put it on a plate.
How about sake?
1355
01:26:36,441 --> 01:26:37,900
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Separate.
1356
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:40,778
[ Knocks ]
Excuse me.
1357
01:26:42,281 --> 01:26:44,407
[ Trapper ]
What is that?
That really looks good.
1358
01:26:44,491 --> 01:26:49,537
[ Speaking Japanese ]
[ Groans ]
1359
01:26:49,621 --> 01:26:52,331
Oh, you try only one first.
1360
01:26:52,457 --> 01:26:54,542
Good?
Oh, it's terrible.
1361
01:26:54,626 --> 01:26:55,751
[ Laughs ]
1362
01:26:57,713 --> 01:26:59,589
Wasabi?
Mm-hmm.
1363
01:26:59,715 --> 01:27:03,718
Uh, listen, I, uh, hate to do this
to you fellas, but—
Hey, man, look at that.
1364
01:27:03,802 --> 01:27:06,012
Think you could take a minute
and look at a kid for me?
1365
01:27:06,138 --> 01:27:07,555
Now?
[ Hawkeye ]
A kid?
1366
01:27:07,639 --> 01:27:10,433
Yeah. We had a little
carelessness around here,
and the other day...
1367
01:27:10,517 --> 01:27:14,353
one of our girls presented us
with an eight-pound
American-Japanese boy.
1368
01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:17,106
[ Chattering, Laughter ]
1369
01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:21,027
Well, whatever we feed him,
it either comes right back up,
or he coughs and turns blue.
1370
01:27:21,153 --> 01:27:23,613
He just has a hell of a time.
We don't have to see him.
1371
01:27:23,739 --> 01:27:27,158
Just call that half-assed army hospital
and tell them to get Lipiodol
ready for his stomach,
1372
01:27:27,242 --> 01:27:29,160
and we'll go over
and take some X-rays.
1373
01:27:29,244 --> 01:27:32,079
We can't get near that place.
We can't— You know, with a civilian—
1374
01:27:32,164 --> 01:27:35,291
The colonel has a thing about it,
especially a native,
as he likes to-
1375
01:27:35,375 --> 01:27:37,251
[ Hawkeye ]
Then don't tell him
any more than is necessary.
1376
01:27:37,336 --> 01:27:39,921
Tell him the pros from Dover
are on their way with an emergency.
1377
01:27:40,005 --> 01:27:42,256
Tell him to get the O.R. ready,
get the kid asleep,
1378
01:27:42,341 --> 01:27:45,593
and Trapper and I will fix
his tracheo-esophageal fistula.
1379
01:27:45,677 --> 01:27:47,970
[ Whistles ]
1380
01:27:48,055 --> 01:27:50,806
Okay, Me Lay,
put him down in here.
1381
01:27:50,891 --> 01:27:53,351
Get him asleep as quick
as you can, will you?
1382
01:27:53,435 --> 01:27:54,977
[ Nurse ]
Where did this baby come from?
1383
01:27:55,103 --> 01:27:57,355
Watch him, all right?
Is this what you got us up for?
1384
01:27:57,439 --> 01:27:59,857
[ Hawkeye ]
Yeah, that's what we got you up for.
We stumbled on him.
1385
01:27:59,942 --> 01:28:02,401
We don't want him,
but we don't feel we can back away
from him.
1386
01:28:02,486 --> 01:28:05,279
All right, this time
I will not be intimidated.
1387
01:28:05,364 --> 01:28:09,241
I command that this illegal
and improper use of army
facilities cease immediately.
1388
01:28:09,368 --> 01:28:12,703
On this point, I stand as firm
as the Rock of Gibraltar.
Me Lay.
1389
01:28:12,829 --> 01:28:14,372
[ Gas Hissing ]
And, furthermore—
You can't do-
1390
01:28:14,456 --> 01:28:18,292
What the Sam Hill are you—
[ Muffled Yelling ]
1391
01:28:21,129 --> 01:28:23,381
- [ Hawkeye ] Wow.
- [ Trapper ]
This one is for West Point.
1392
01:28:23,465 --> 01:28:27,218
- What the Sam Hill is going on here?
- That's what they all say.
1393
01:28:27,344 --> 01:28:29,720
[ Trapper ]
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable-
[ Woman Giggling ]
1394
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:31,347
[ Gasps ]
1395
01:28:31,431 --> 01:28:35,726
[ Trapper ] There's no competition
to the Painless Pole,
but it's pretty healthy, I think.
1396
01:28:35,811 --> 01:28:38,396
- [ Colonel Shouting ]
- Oh, Colonel, we caught you
with your pants down.
1397
01:28:38,480 --> 01:28:41,857
What about the men
that are fighting for our country
and our land?
1398
01:28:42,025 --> 01:28:44,318
[ Man On P.A. ]
Attention. Attention.
1399
01:28:44,403 --> 01:28:48,656
Colonel Blake has secured for us
The Halls of Montezuma.
1400
01:28:48,740 --> 01:28:52,576
So big, only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.
1401
01:28:52,661 --> 01:28:54,578
Technicolor.
Tell it to the marines,
1402
01:28:54,663 --> 01:28:58,582
those lovable lugs
with wonderful mugs,
who we now love more than ever.
1403
01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:01,877
Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world.
1404
01:29:01,962 --> 01:29:05,172
Follow Lieutenant,
Punchy, Limey, Babyface, Doc,
1405
01:29:05,257 --> 01:29:07,299
the poet, Pretty Boy
and Slattery...
1406
01:29:07,384 --> 01:29:11,387
through some ofthe most
interesting war films yet created.
1407
01:29:11,471 --> 01:29:15,349
[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, due to a possible
camp infection,
1408
01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,601
Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill
is now off limits.
1409
01:29:17,686 --> 01:29:19,478
That is all.
1410
01:29:19,563 --> 01:29:21,355
[ Woman ]
Could I have some longer needles-
1411
01:29:21,440 --> 01:29:23,983
[ Trapper ]
Could I have a sponge stick?
Get her lung out ofthe way.
1412
01:29:24,067 --> 01:29:26,444
[ All Chattering ]
1413
01:29:26,528 --> 01:29:28,487
[ Trapper ]
Cut down
on the bagging, will you?
1414
01:29:28,572 --> 01:29:30,281
Hey, Dago.
Hi.
1415
01:29:30,365 --> 01:29:32,658
You have a nice time in Japan?
1416
01:29:32,784 --> 01:29:35,119
Yeah, I screwed
a Kabuki dancer.
[ Laughter ]
1417
01:29:35,203 --> 01:29:36,495
[ Hawkeye ]
Okay?
1418
01:29:36,621 --> 01:29:38,539
You're doing—
Let me have the long fingers.
1419
01:29:38,623 --> 01:29:42,209
It's okay for now.
Yeah, but I can't stop
this bleeding.
1420
01:29:42,335 --> 01:29:45,921
Keeping the blood in, Painless.
[ Trapper ]
How's the intake, Painless?
1421
01:29:46,006 --> 01:29:48,340
[ Painless ]
Normal.
[ Trapper ] Clamp.
1422
01:29:48,425 --> 01:29:51,093
I'm here ifyou need me,
Henry.
1423
01:29:51,219 --> 01:29:53,929
I can't talk
to you now, Padre.
No, uh—
1424
01:29:54,014 --> 01:29:55,723
Sponge stick. Sponge stick.
1425
01:29:55,807 --> 01:30:00,770
- [ Man ] Oh, he's going to be fine.
- [ Dago Red ] Oh, good.
Does anybody else need help?
1426
01:30:00,854 --> 01:30:02,730
[ Man ] It's taken too long.
[ Trapper ]
Get a clamp.
1427
01:30:02,814 --> 01:30:03,814
Ask around.
1428
01:30:04,900 --> 01:30:08,152
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
1429
01:30:08,278 --> 01:30:11,238
[ Coughs ]
What's he got
the flaps down for?
1430
01:30:15,494 --> 01:30:18,079
Duke?
Come on, Duke. Open up.
1431
01:30:18,163 --> 01:30:21,540
No, I don't want any.
Hey, Duke, come on!
Open up, man!
1432
01:30:21,625 --> 01:30:24,335
Who is it?
[ Clattering ]
1433
01:30:28,507 --> 01:30:30,424
What the hell you doing
back here?
1434
01:30:30,509 --> 01:30:32,551
Come on.
We've been working for hours.
Will you open up?
1435
01:30:32,636 --> 01:30:35,763
Oh, wait a minute.
I'll be right with you.
1436
01:30:35,847 --> 01:30:37,807
[ Clattering ]
1437
01:30:45,315 --> 01:30:47,233
Hi, Hot Lips.
You miss us?
1438
01:30:47,317 --> 01:30:49,276
[ Both ]
♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
1439
01:30:49,361 --> 01:30:51,112
♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
1440
01:30:51,238 --> 01:30:54,406
♪ Shame, shame on you ♪♪
I— Uh—
1441
01:30:54,491 --> 01:30:57,368
[ Chuckles ]
Well—
1442
01:30:57,536 --> 01:31:01,122
[ Phone Ringing ]
1443
01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:03,499
Radar.
Yes, sir.
1444
01:31:04,584 --> 01:31:08,671
Hold this, please.
[ Phone Ringing ]
1445
01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:11,632
Colonel Blake.
1446
01:31:11,716 --> 01:31:14,552
Henry?
Yeah, Charlie here. Yeah.
1447
01:31:14,636 --> 01:31:16,554
I've, uh, got news for you.
1448
01:31:16,638 --> 01:31:19,390
You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.
[ Chuckles ]
1449
01:31:19,474 --> 01:31:21,392
Well, it's all over.
1450
01:31:21,476 --> 01:31:23,769
Oh, that's great news, General.
Who won?
1451
01:31:23,854 --> 01:31:26,814
Oh, by the way,
I have a report here, Henry,
1452
01:31:26,898 --> 01:31:30,526
from your, uh—
from your chief nurse
Major O'Houlihan.
1453
01:31:30,610 --> 01:31:34,905
She makes some accusations,
Henry, I find pretty hard to believe.
1454
01:31:34,990 --> 01:31:37,700
Don't believe them then.
Thank you, General.
Good-bye.
1455
01:31:37,784 --> 01:31:39,285
Yeah. What?
1456
01:31:39,411 --> 01:31:41,662
Uh, thank you, Radar.
You're welcome, sir.
1457
01:31:43,790 --> 01:31:47,293
[ Man Blowing Into Microphone ]
Attention. Attention.
1458
01:31:47,377 --> 01:31:50,045
Friday night's movie
willbe The Glory Brigade.
1459
01:31:50,130 --> 01:31:53,340
Rock 'em, sock 'em,
kisses you never got.
1460
01:31:53,425 --> 01:31:58,596
It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side
with Greeks, Anzacs,
1461
01:31:58,680 --> 01:32:02,683
showing the world a new way to fight
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,
1462
01:32:02,767 --> 01:32:05,853
bayonets like bazookas—
bullets.
1463
01:32:05,937 --> 01:32:08,939
Starring Victor Mature.
That is all.
1464
01:32:09,024 --> 01:32:10,941
I'll be with Colonel Blake.
1465
01:32:11,026 --> 01:32:13,986
Uh, check this place out.
See what the nurses
are like, huh?
1466
01:32:14,112 --> 01:32:16,780
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
Right, Charlie.
1467
01:32:16,907 --> 01:32:19,617
4077th Mobile Army Surgical—
Yeah. Yeah.
1468
01:32:19,701 --> 01:32:21,285
Sir, do you know where—
1469
01:32:21,369 --> 01:32:23,704
Yes, I know where he is.
Oh, all right.
1470
01:32:23,830 --> 01:32:25,789
[ Ice Rattling ]
All right.
1471
01:32:27,167 --> 01:32:29,501
Thank you.
Look, Charlie,
1472
01:32:29,586 --> 01:32:34,256
you can't blame Henry
because Hot Lips Houlihan
can't stand her name.
1473
01:32:34,341 --> 01:32:36,926
You know, she's just a lady,
though.
1474
01:32:37,010 --> 01:32:39,511
What the hell.
Come on,
for crying out loud.
1475
01:32:39,596 --> 01:32:42,097
She's regular army.
She's a fanatic about ritual.
1476
01:32:42,182 --> 01:32:44,141
She-She won't even let us
play football.
1477
01:32:44,226 --> 01:32:46,769
Football?
[ Man ]
Gentlemen.
1478
01:32:46,895 --> 01:32:48,562
She's all lined up, Charlie.
Yeah?
1479
01:32:48,647 --> 01:32:50,981
I-I didn't know
you had a football team.
1480
01:32:51,066 --> 01:32:53,692
Well, it's pretty much
in the planning stages.
We've, uh—
1481
01:32:53,777 --> 01:32:56,237
No, no, we have a—
we have a very fine
football team.
1482
01:32:56,321 --> 01:33:00,824
Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th EVAC last year.
1483
01:33:00,951 --> 01:33:04,161
And what a team that was.
Yeah, yeah.
I-I coached the boys myself.
1484
01:33:05,830 --> 01:33:07,748
He's the finest coach
in the Far East.
1485
01:33:07,832 --> 01:33:10,376
Yeah. Uh, we're now trying
to work out a schedule...
1486
01:33:10,460 --> 01:33:12,795
ofthe outfits that we're
going to play this year.
1487
01:33:12,879 --> 01:33:17,633
Of course, we, you know,
throw a little money
into a pot and make bets.
1488
01:33:17,717 --> 01:33:20,970
How much, uh— How much money
do you put into your pot?
1489
01:33:21,054 --> 01:33:23,013
Oh, 5,000, 6,000.
1490
01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:24,765
[ Trapper ]
$5,000?
1491
01:33:24,849 --> 01:33:28,435
Oh, look. You know, I don't think
we're in the sort of league that you're in.
1492
01:33:28,520 --> 01:33:32,106
Well, I'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.
1493
01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:34,149
It can be arranged.
Yeah.
1494
01:33:34,234 --> 01:33:36,277
I think I'll just talk
this over with Henry, huh?
1495
01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:38,237
Thanks, boys.
Thanks for the drink.
1496
01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:41,532
Thank you.
What the hell you—
1497
01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,868
Sir, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,
1498
01:33:44,953 --> 01:33:46,662
I've been proud
to wear this uniform.
1499
01:33:46,788 --> 01:33:48,831
What the hell is this?
A helicopter.
1500
01:33:48,915 --> 01:33:52,376
Hawkeye, that man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.
1501
01:33:52,460 --> 01:33:55,296
Sure, so we get ourselves
a ringer, right?
1502
01:33:55,380 --> 01:34:00,175
We get Henry to apply,
make a specific application
for a neurosurgeon.
1503
01:34:00,260 --> 01:34:03,887
He asks for
Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
1504
01:34:03,972 --> 01:34:05,848
Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones?
1505
01:34:05,974 --> 01:34:08,851
Oh, he's—
Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Who the hell is Harmon Jones?
1506
01:34:08,935 --> 01:34:13,188
He is better known
as "Spearchucker" Jones.
1507
01:34:13,273 --> 01:34:15,190
He's a good ballplayer.
Oh, yeah!
1508
01:34:15,317 --> 01:34:17,609
He's that Negro boy
played with the 49ers, ain't he?
He's incredible.
1509
01:34:17,736 --> 01:34:19,862
Sure.
Yeah, sure. I remember.
He's good. He's good.
1510
01:34:19,946 --> 01:34:25,492
Henry, ifwe had closer relations,
we wouldn't have this
misunderstanding, right?
1511
01:34:25,577 --> 01:34:29,830
Now, that's where
a football game would help
between your outfit and mine.
1512
01:34:29,956 --> 01:34:32,583
Football game?
Yeah, yeah.
We put up a few bets-
1513
01:34:32,667 --> 01:34:35,461
5,000 maybe-
and have a little fun.
1514
01:34:35,545 --> 01:34:38,881
Special Services in Tokyo
says it's one ofthe best gimmicks
we've got...
1515
01:34:38,965 --> 01:34:41,425
to keep the American way of life
going here in Asia.
1516
01:34:41,509 --> 01:34:44,094
Betting?
No! Football!
1517
01:34:44,179 --> 01:34:46,305
But what about
Major O'Houlihan?
1518
01:34:46,431 --> 01:34:49,391
You mean Hot Lips?
Screw her.
Gee, I don't know—
1519
01:34:49,517 --> 01:34:52,561
It's a helicopter,
Charlie.
I know it's a helicopter!
1520
01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:54,563
Uh, you know, you guys
have one problem.
1521
01:34:54,647 --> 01:34:56,398
I just wonder about
the social problem.
1522
01:34:56,483 --> 01:35:00,611
You know, I mean,
he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.
1523
01:35:00,695 --> 01:35:03,864
We got a problem—
Then we'll stick him in here
with us, baby boy.
1524
01:35:05,867 --> 01:35:08,243
You-You're serious, ain't ya?
You'd do that.
1525
01:35:08,370 --> 01:35:10,829
Sure, I'm serious.
Yeah.
[ Stammering ]
1526
01:35:10,914 --> 01:35:13,332
It's enough for me to have to
put up with you two Yankees,
1527
01:35:13,416 --> 01:35:15,334
but, you know, uh, that's-
1528
01:35:18,505 --> 01:35:21,715
Was it his wife?
Uh, was that why,
or was it the religious-
1529
01:35:21,800 --> 01:35:23,759
[ Man ]
It was— It was
a conditioning problem.
1530
01:35:23,885 --> 01:35:26,261
[ Woman ] Why do they call you
"Spearchucker"?
I used to throw the javelin.
1531
01:35:26,346 --> 01:35:28,806
[ Chattering ]
1532
01:35:31,643 --> 01:35:33,602
[ Whistle Blows ]
1533
01:35:33,686 --> 01:35:36,855
All right, men, we're not here
to sell lemonade.
We're here to practice.
1534
01:35:36,940 --> 01:35:39,691
But first, I'd like to
officially welcome Spearchucker.
1535
01:35:39,818 --> 01:35:42,319
Is it all right
to call you that?
Call me whatever you want to.
1536
01:35:42,404 --> 01:35:45,989
Good. Well, I just want you
to know that we're all the same
here on the playing field.
1537
01:35:46,074 --> 01:35:49,243
Uh, officers and men alike.
Now we're going to begin...
1538
01:35:49,327 --> 01:35:51,412
with the three basic principles—
1539
01:35:51,496 --> 01:35:54,540
organization,
discipline and teamwork.
1540
01:35:54,666 --> 01:35:57,209
Now—
Pardon me. Do you mind
ifwe limber up first?
1541
01:35:57,293 --> 01:35:59,336
Oh, that's a good idea.
You organize that.
1542
01:35:59,421 --> 01:36:02,089
[ Chattering ]
1543
01:36:02,173 --> 01:36:05,968
Hold that line, hey!
Hold that line, hey!
1544
01:36:06,094 --> 01:36:10,806
[ Henry ]
All right, Seidman. Keep 'em pushing
that, uh, whatever you call it.
1545
01:36:10,890 --> 01:36:14,893
Oh, that's good.
All right, Hot Lips, keep their
arms and limbs moving there.
1546
01:36:14,978 --> 01:36:17,062
[ Men Yelling ]
Very good.
1547
01:36:17,147 --> 01:36:19,148
[ Henry ]
Radar, you're a coach!
1548
01:36:19,232 --> 01:36:22,734
You're not a corporal.
You're a coach!
Keep 'em going through there.
1549
01:36:22,819 --> 01:36:25,279
- Good, Hot Lips.
- [ Whistle Blows ]
1550
01:36:25,363 --> 01:36:29,450
All right, Seidman, give 'em five.
All right, men, take five.
1551
01:36:29,534 --> 01:36:31,452
Spearchucker.
1552
01:36:35,957 --> 01:36:37,833
Well, we look
pretty lousy, don't we?
1553
01:36:37,959 --> 01:36:42,129
Well, for college players that have been
out oftraining for seven or eight years,
yeah, you look pretty lousy.
1554
01:36:42,213 --> 01:36:44,381
Listen, I got an idea
how we can make some money.
1555
01:36:44,466 --> 01:36:46,383
We leave him out
ofthe first half ofthe game.
1556
01:36:46,468 --> 01:36:49,595
We bet half our money.
They roll up some points, okay?
1557
01:36:49,679 --> 01:36:52,347
Second half ofthe game,
we stick him in.
We get odds from them.
1558
01:36:52,432 --> 01:36:54,558
We bet the other half
ofthe money, and we clean up.
1559
01:36:54,684 --> 01:36:57,394
That's very good thinking,
Captain.
Yeah, it sounds good to me.
1560
01:36:57,520 --> 01:37:01,023
Oh, and I had another idea.
I think we should have some plays.
I gotta get some water.
1561
01:37:01,107 --> 01:37:04,067
You know, usually in football,
ifyou have some
organized plays—
1562
01:37:04,152 --> 01:37:06,320
Well, ifyou don't mind,
I took the liberty.
1563
01:37:06,446 --> 01:37:09,281
Oh, you— Oh.
I drew up about
seven or eight plays.
1564
01:37:09,407 --> 01:37:12,284
Oh, these are good.
I think that's about
all this bunch can handle.
1565
01:37:12,368 --> 01:37:16,288
Oh, very good. Yes.
Oh, very, very good.
1566
01:37:16,372 --> 01:37:18,957
Uh, what are these little arrows?
1567
01:37:19,125 --> 01:37:22,252
♪♪ [ March ]
1568
01:37:25,632 --> 01:37:26,632
[ Whistle Blows ]
1569
01:37:33,890 --> 01:37:35,974
♪♪ [ Continues ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1570
01:37:56,246 --> 01:37:58,413
Right in Smith's hands.
Oh!
1571
01:37:58,498 --> 01:38:01,291
- ♪♪ [ Continues ]
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]
1572
01:38:08,967 --> 01:38:10,425
[ Whistle Blows ]
1573
01:38:12,428 --> 01:38:14,930
[ Crowd Cheering ]
1574
01:38:15,056 --> 01:38:17,891
Well, it's only six points.
Six points?
1575
01:38:17,976 --> 01:38:19,851
[ All Shouting ]
1576
01:38:19,936 --> 01:38:21,645
Hut!
1577
01:38:23,106 --> 01:38:24,773
[ Whistle Blows ]
1578
01:38:24,899 --> 01:38:26,817
[ Sighs ]
Oh, well. It's only one point.
1579
01:38:26,901 --> 01:38:30,028
- One point?
- Who's Number 1 ? That man runs
like a rabbit. We can't stop him.
1580
01:38:30,154 --> 01:38:33,574
I remember him from the pros.
They call him "Super Bug." Had one year
with the Rams before the army.
1581
01:38:33,658 --> 01:38:35,576
[ Duke ]
We can't do anything
with him in there.
1582
01:38:35,660 --> 01:38:37,703
You gotta come in now.
We can't wait till the second half.
1583
01:38:37,829 --> 01:38:41,373
We gotta stick to our strategy.
But the first thing you guys have to do
is get him out ofthe ball game.
1584
01:38:41,457 --> 01:38:43,875
Hey, Davidson. Yeah.
1585
01:38:43,960 --> 01:38:47,921
Let's ease up just a little bit.
Uh, we don't want the score
too lopsided.
1586
01:38:48,006 --> 01:38:50,340
[ Cheerleaders Chanting ]
1587
01:38:54,554 --> 01:38:57,764
- [ Houlihan ]
We caught it!
- [ Crowd Shouting ]
1588
01:38:57,890 --> 01:39:00,434
[ Groans ]
[ Woman ]
Get him! Yeah!
1589
01:39:00,518 --> 01:39:02,519
Get him!
1590
01:39:04,647 --> 01:39:07,733
[ Groans ]
[ Woman ]
Get him! Yeah!
1591
01:39:07,817 --> 01:39:09,359
Get him!
1592
01:39:09,444 --> 01:39:11,862
- Who's he giving it to?
- Isn't that Corporal Judson with the ball?
1593
01:39:11,946 --> 01:39:13,905
[ Henry ]
Judson?Judson's a lineman!
Judson can't run!
1594
01:39:13,990 --> 01:39:16,283
Look at him. He's loose.
He's loose. He's—
1595
01:39:16,367 --> 01:39:18,785
[ Crowd Shouting ]
1596
01:39:20,872 --> 01:39:23,040
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Hawkeye ] For crying out loud,
Judson, what are you doing?
1597
01:39:23,166 --> 01:39:25,334
[Judson ] I don't know.
[ Trapper ] What are you doing
with the ball?
1598
01:39:25,418 --> 01:39:27,336
All right, come on.
Let's get in a huddle.
1599
01:39:27,420 --> 01:39:30,047
You had the whole field open.
What'd you go and fall down for?
1600
01:39:30,131 --> 01:39:32,049
I'm not a goddamn runner.
I'm a lineman.
1601
01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:34,468
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Man ]
Let's go!
1602
01:39:34,552 --> 01:39:37,137
We're gonna
really clean up today. Ah.
1603
01:39:37,221 --> 01:39:40,432
Hut one, hut two!
1604
01:39:40,516 --> 01:39:42,851
[ Crowd Jeering ]
1605
01:39:49,025 --> 01:39:52,653
Uh, it's only two points.
Two points?
1606
01:39:52,737 --> 01:39:54,988
What the hell you think
you are, a cannon?
1607
01:39:55,073 --> 01:39:57,991
[ Trapper ]
What kind of a snap was that?
We got a lot of money on this game.
1608
01:39:58,076 --> 01:40:02,746
- This is embarrassing, man.
- [ Cheerleaders, Indistinct ]
1609
01:40:02,830 --> 01:40:08,085
[ Cheerleaders Continue, Indistinct ]
1610
01:40:08,169 --> 01:40:10,420
[ Cheerleaders ]
Let's go!
1611
01:40:10,505 --> 01:40:12,881
Yea!
[ Dago Red ]
What happens now?
1612
01:40:13,007 --> 01:40:16,927
We get a free kick.
A free kick! Go!
1613
01:40:17,011 --> 01:40:20,764
[ With Cheerleaders ]
Kick that ball!
Kick that ball!
1614
01:40:46,499 --> 01:40:49,459
Another six points.
Another six points?
1615
01:40:49,544 --> 01:40:53,130
[ Chattering ]
1616
01:40:53,214 --> 01:40:58,051
Look. Look. He's- He's hurt.
He's leaving the game.
1617
01:40:58,136 --> 01:41:05,642
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game.
He's hurt!
1618
01:41:05,727 --> 01:41:08,186
What the hell's the matter with you?
Smith! Smith!
1619
01:41:08,271 --> 01:41:10,272
Goddamn bastards
pulled something.
1620
01:41:10,356 --> 01:41:12,482
Hey, Coach, did I break
my nine 400?
1621
01:41:12,567 --> 01:41:14,985
Four hundred?
This is not a track meet,
this is a football game!
1622
01:41:15,111 --> 01:41:17,446
What the hell you think
I pay you for?
I gotta run the 220.
1623
01:41:17,530 --> 01:41:20,657
What? Get him up.
Walk him around.
Do something.
1624
01:41:20,783 --> 01:41:24,995
I'll run the 440.
440? This is
a football game, goddamn it!
1625
01:41:28,958 --> 01:41:31,710
- [ Whistle Blows ]
- [ Applause ]
1626
01:41:31,794 --> 01:41:34,671
All right, you guys,
get in there and kill 'em!
1627
01:41:46,768 --> 01:41:48,810
All right, Bub, your fuckin' head
is coming right off.
1628
01:41:59,864 --> 01:42:02,032
I'm ready, Coach.
I'm ready, Coach.
Ready? For what?
1629
01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:05,660
I'm in the broad jump, Coach.
Get him back on the bench.
Broad jump!
1630
01:42:05,787 --> 01:42:09,331
Still 1 6-nothing.
[ Voice Cracks ]
1 6-nothing.
1631
01:42:09,415 --> 01:42:12,876
Well, that's not bad.
1 6-nothing
in the first half.
1632
01:42:12,960 --> 01:42:15,337
Guess I have to give them
the old Knute Rockne at halftime.
1633
01:42:15,463 --> 01:42:17,964
About time for the gun.
Right.
1634
01:42:18,049 --> 01:42:19,257
[ Gunshot ]
1635
01:42:19,342 --> 01:42:21,843
Yea!
[ Gasping ]
1636
01:42:21,928 --> 01:42:24,179
[ Whistle Blows ]
He runs like a mother,
but how we gonna score—
1637
01:42:24,263 --> 01:42:27,974
Men, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,
1638
01:42:28,059 --> 01:42:30,602
I have been proud
to wear this uniform.
Boone, you got a towel?
1639
01:42:30,728 --> 01:42:32,854
Henry, have you
pressed the bets yet?
Today, we are wearing—
1640
01:42:32,980 --> 01:42:35,023
Henry, have you pressed
the bets yet?
Oh, the bets.
1641
01:42:35,149 --> 01:42:38,485
Henry, press the bets, man.
The bets, the bets.
Finish the halftime speech.
1642
01:42:38,569 --> 01:42:42,656
[ Cheerleaders ]
Hit 'em with a mortar!
Kick 'em offthe hill!
1643
01:42:42,740 --> 01:42:46,117
Mash 'em, smash 'em,
kill, kill, kill!
1644
01:42:46,244 --> 01:42:50,872
Hot Lips, there's a time
and a place for everything, damn it!
[ Gasps ]
1645
01:42:50,957 --> 01:42:53,542
Right. Bo-bo.
[ All ]
Bo-bo!
1646
01:42:53,668 --> 01:42:56,670
Come on, Smitty.
Come on.
[ Door Closes ]
1647
01:42:56,754 --> 01:42:58,296
Yeah.
1648
01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:01,007
What's the matter with him?
What's the matter?
Hell, you oughta know.
1649
01:43:01,092 --> 01:43:03,051
You guys pulled
something out there.
1650
01:43:03,135 --> 01:43:05,220
[ Henry ]
Well, I guess you don't
wanna double the bet.
1651
01:43:05,304 --> 01:43:09,432
Oh, the hell I don't.
We were beating you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.
1652
01:43:09,517 --> 01:43:11,434
Are you prepared
to back that up with odds?
1653
01:43:11,519 --> 01:43:14,104
Damn right. Three-to-one.
Double the bet.
1654
01:43:26,909 --> 01:43:29,452
Who's that 24?
Who is he?
1655
01:43:31,998 --> 01:43:33,415
[ Cheering ]
[ Hammond ]
Stop it! Stop him!
1656
01:43:34,959 --> 01:43:37,919
Stop him! Stop him!
Who is that guy?
1657
01:43:38,004 --> 01:43:40,630
He wasn't in the game
in the first half.
Stop him!
1658
01:43:43,968 --> 01:43:45,176
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1659
01:43:51,183 --> 01:43:53,685
That's "Spearchucker" Jones.
"Spearchucker" who?
1660
01:43:53,811 --> 01:43:57,397
He played with San Francisco
before he got drafted.
Boy, he's gonna be tough to stop too.
1661
01:43:57,481 --> 01:44:00,942
Tough to—
Ah, Henry, you brought in
a ringer, did you? Huh?
1662
01:44:01,027 --> 01:44:02,527
Radar?
Yes, sir?
1663
01:44:02,653 --> 01:44:05,906
What's the general trying to say?
Didn't bring him in
in the first half, did you?
1664
01:44:05,990 --> 01:44:10,118
He's just been informed
as to the identity
of our, uh, Spearchucker.
1665
01:44:10,202 --> 01:44:12,203
His ringer spotted our ringer.
1666
01:44:12,288 --> 01:44:14,998
How do you like
them apples, Charlie?
1667
01:44:15,082 --> 01:44:16,958
You can't trust anybody.
1668
01:44:17,043 --> 01:44:19,669
Now watch him make
the extra point!
1669
01:44:19,754 --> 01:44:22,297
Hut three!
1670
01:44:22,381 --> 01:44:24,716
[ Whistle Blows ]
1671
01:44:24,800 --> 01:44:26,843
Isn't that illegal?
1672
01:45:12,014 --> 01:45:13,682
Relax, Charlie.
What kind ofteam is it?
1673
01:45:13,808 --> 01:45:16,810
Relax.
They're falling around
like dead flies.
1674
01:45:16,894 --> 01:45:18,895
[ Crowd Cheering ]
1675
01:45:20,356 --> 01:45:22,774
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Referee ] All right.
Ball is down. Ball is down.
1676
01:45:22,858 --> 01:45:25,610
No piling.
Let's get 'em up.
1677
01:45:25,695 --> 01:45:29,280
Look, a red flag!
We've got a red flag!
[ Woman Screaming ]
1678
01:45:29,407 --> 01:45:32,492
Hot Lips!
[ Screaming ]
1679
01:45:32,576 --> 01:45:34,577
It's a penalty,
you blithering idiots.
1680
01:45:34,662 --> 01:45:37,872
[ Whistle Blows ]
1681
01:45:37,957 --> 01:45:40,750
[ Chattering ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
1682
01:45:42,128 --> 01:45:46,172
Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game!
1683
01:45:46,257 --> 01:45:48,174
Judson, kill him!
1684
01:45:48,259 --> 01:45:49,884
[ Chattering ]
1685
01:45:49,969 --> 01:45:51,928
[ Whistle Blows ]
1686
01:45:55,349 --> 01:45:58,893
What's wrong with you, huh?
We're here to play football,
not fight!
1687
01:46:01,856 --> 01:46:04,315
Bastard 88
called me a coon.
1688
01:46:04,400 --> 01:46:06,860
Called you a what?
1689
01:46:06,944 --> 01:46:09,154
Coon.
[ Duke Laughs ]
1690
01:46:09,238 --> 01:46:12,449
That's an old pro trick
to get you thrown
out ofthe ball game.
1691
01:46:12,575 --> 01:46:14,826
Well—
Why don't you do
the same thing to him?
1692
01:46:14,910 --> 01:46:16,369
What, call him a coon?
1693
01:46:16,454 --> 01:46:19,122
No, no, the boys in camp
used to talk about his sister.
1694
01:46:19,206 --> 01:46:21,124
Her name was Gladys.
Use it.
1695
01:46:23,085 --> 01:46:25,462
Yeah.
All right! All right!
1696
01:46:28,632 --> 01:46:32,135
Ready, set—
1697
01:46:32,219 --> 01:46:34,471
[ Man Yelling, Indistinct ]
1698
01:46:34,555 --> 01:46:36,473
[ Whistle Blows ]
1699
01:46:36,557 --> 01:46:38,558
[ Crowd Cheering ]
1700
01:46:44,148 --> 01:46:47,233
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Hammond ] What the hell
is he doing, for God's sake?
1701
01:46:47,318 --> 01:46:49,444
What's the matter here?
1702
01:46:49,528 --> 01:46:53,156
- Takin' him out.
- [ Shouting ]
1703
01:46:53,240 --> 01:46:55,075
[ Crowd Cheering ]
1704
01:46:55,159 --> 01:46:58,495
[ Radar ]
Hey, you big ape!
Blockhead!
1705
01:46:58,579 --> 01:47:03,416
[ Cheerleaders ]
Sixty-nine is divine!
Sixty-nine is divine!
1706
01:47:03,501 --> 01:47:07,128
There you go, Charlie!
Another side of beef
for your butcher shop!
1707
01:47:07,213 --> 01:47:08,338
[ Laughs ]
1708
01:47:08,422 --> 01:47:10,673
[ Cheerleaders ]
Let's get the ball
and really go!
1709
01:47:10,800 --> 01:47:14,135
Hey, hey. Ho, ho.
Who's the little brunette?
Is she a new one?
1710
01:47:14,261 --> 01:47:16,763
Yeah, I just had her
shipped in.
Yeah, not bad.
1711
01:47:16,847 --> 01:47:18,807
Kill 'em!
Kill 'em, goddamn it!
1712
01:47:18,891 --> 01:47:20,850
Hut one!
1713
01:47:20,935 --> 01:47:23,019
[ Radar ]
Hey!
[ Gunshot ]
1714
01:47:23,104 --> 01:47:25,355
My God, they've shot him!
1715
01:47:25,439 --> 01:47:29,609
Hot Lips,
you incredible nincompoop,
it's the end ofthe quarter.
1716
01:47:29,693 --> 01:47:33,071
What did I make you a major for?
For a team like that?
1717
01:47:33,197 --> 01:47:36,407
[ Major ] I did the best I could, Charlie.
I didn't know they were
gonna bring him in.
1718
01:47:36,534 --> 01:47:39,869
[ Hammond ] I oughta put you in there
and let them kill you.
What about my knee, Charlie?
1719
01:47:39,954 --> 01:47:44,040
Better get on your goddamn knee
and start praying.
Trick knee, my ass.
1720
01:47:47,044 --> 01:47:50,046
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
1721
01:47:55,427 --> 01:47:57,053
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1722
01:47:58,681 --> 01:47:59,889
[ Shouts, Indistinct ]
1723
01:48:05,813 --> 01:48:07,730
[ Whistle Blows ]
1724
01:48:15,990 --> 01:48:17,740
My God!
1725
01:48:21,745 --> 01:48:23,705
Hut!
1726
01:48:25,583 --> 01:48:27,167
[ Whistle Blows ]
1727
01:48:27,293 --> 01:48:29,878
Not bad, huh?
Did you see that?
1728
01:48:29,962 --> 01:48:32,922
Get the hell back there!
Where's my—
Get back there!
1729
01:48:36,677 --> 01:48:38,761
[ Whistle Blows ]
1730
01:48:42,391 --> 01:48:45,393
[ Grunting ]
1731
01:48:45,477 --> 01:48:47,478
[ Whistle Blows ]
1732
01:48:47,563 --> 01:48:49,230
Time.
1733
01:48:49,315 --> 01:48:52,525
[ Chattering ]
1734
01:48:52,610 --> 01:48:54,777
[ Cheerleaders Chanting, Indistinct ]
1735
01:48:56,780 --> 01:49:00,575
Well, looks like we may
make it. Seconds to go.
All right.
1736
01:49:00,659 --> 01:49:02,952
Okay, fellas.
We don't have
very much time left.
1737
01:49:03,037 --> 01:49:06,831
I just checked with the ref.
I got a special play I want to run—
a center eligible play.
1738
01:49:06,916 --> 01:49:09,125
We line up with everybody
to the right ofthe center,
1739
01:49:09,210 --> 01:49:13,087
except Hawkeye, who drops back
one yard just before
the snap ofthe ball.
1740
01:49:13,172 --> 01:49:15,089
Now, that makes you
the center eligible.
1741
01:49:15,174 --> 01:49:18,551
But all you have to do is take the ball
right back from Trapper
between your legs...
1742
01:49:18,636 --> 01:49:21,471
and hide it under your belly
and walk toward their goal line.
1743
01:49:21,555 --> 01:49:23,473
All right?
1744
01:49:23,557 --> 01:49:26,976
- Hey, Trapper.
- All right, come on.
[ Chuckles ]
1745
01:49:27,061 --> 01:49:30,813
This is only one time.
$5,000, all right?
1746
01:49:30,940 --> 01:49:33,107
It's worth a try.
[ Hawkeye ]
This is a miracle ifwe can.
1747
01:49:33,192 --> 01:49:36,110
- I'm short. I'm short one.
- [Jones ] What do you say?
Let's do it now.
1748
01:49:37,112 --> 01:49:39,322
Ready,
1749
01:49:39,406 --> 01:49:41,324
set.
1750
01:49:53,128 --> 01:49:55,838
- What are you doing? Get back there!
- I got the ball. I got the ball.
1751
01:49:55,923 --> 01:49:57,924
Run with it!
1752
01:50:01,303 --> 01:50:03,137
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1753
01:50:05,099 --> 01:50:07,183
[ Shouting ]
Who the hell's that?
1754
01:50:09,353 --> 01:50:10,520
Illegal!
1755
01:50:13,107 --> 01:50:15,024
Goddamn it,
where's that referee?
1756
01:50:21,573 --> 01:50:24,575
- [ Gunshot ]
- Goddamn it!
1757
01:50:31,041 --> 01:50:34,043
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
1758
01:50:54,148 --> 01:50:58,401
[ Horn Honking ]
1759
01:50:58,485 --> 01:51:02,155
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
1760
01:51:15,252 --> 01:51:18,254
[ Shouting Continues, Indistinct ]
1761
01:51:18,339 --> 01:51:22,175
[ Hawkeye ]
We won. We won.
We won! We won!
1762
01:51:27,097 --> 01:51:28,806
One.
Two dollars.
1763
01:51:28,891 --> 01:51:31,059
Two dollars.
Two dollars.
1764
01:51:33,854 --> 01:51:35,772
Four dollars.
1765
01:51:37,274 --> 01:51:41,235
I fold.
Raise you two more.
He raised it two?
1766
01:51:43,113 --> 01:51:45,740
Raise you another two.
1767
01:51:45,866 --> 01:51:49,118
I have an Oklahoma.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, God.
1768
01:51:52,122 --> 01:51:54,248
[ Bandini ] What is that?
Oklahoma.
It's a pair of eights,
1769
01:51:54,375 --> 01:51:56,626
a 1 0 of spades,
a deuce and a five.
[ UglyJohn ] You win.
1770
01:51:56,710 --> 01:51:58,378
What are you talking about?
What do you have?
1771
01:51:58,462 --> 01:52:00,129
[ Man On P.A. ]
Tokyo, United States...
1772
01:52:00,297 --> 01:52:01,881
Armed Forces Radio...
1773
01:52:01,965 --> 01:52:03,883
is on the air.
1774
01:52:03,967 --> 01:52:05,968
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
1775
01:52:07,179 --> 01:52:10,932
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
1776
01:52:17,898 --> 01:52:19,941
♪ Shoeshine boy ♪
1777
01:52:20,025 --> 01:52:23,486
♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ]
1778
01:52:36,959 --> 01:52:38,459
Duke?
Huh?
1779
01:52:38,544 --> 01:52:40,086
You busy?
1780
01:52:40,170 --> 01:52:42,380
Uh, what is it?
1781
01:52:42,464 --> 01:52:44,382
Henry's got our orders.
We can go home.
1782
01:52:46,009 --> 01:52:49,178
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Horns Honking ]
1783
01:52:56,687 --> 01:52:58,855
Right now?
1784
01:52:58,939 --> 01:53:01,149
Anytime.
Whenever we want.
1785
01:53:01,233 --> 01:53:04,735
You mind ifwe get out of
this guy's brain first?
1786
01:53:04,820 --> 01:53:07,238
Oh.
1787
01:53:07,322 --> 01:53:10,408
Uh, can't you sew
this thing up?
1788
01:53:10,492 --> 01:53:12,452
You got that vessel
under control.
1789
01:53:12,578 --> 01:53:16,247
Pledget.
Haven't you?
1790
01:53:16,373 --> 01:53:19,292
[Jones ] I wanna make sure the oozing
is completely checked
before I close up.
1791
01:53:19,376 --> 01:53:21,544
Damn perfectionist.
1792
01:53:23,172 --> 01:53:25,882
Yeah, well, I'm, uh—
1793
01:53:25,966 --> 01:53:28,176
[ Chuckles ]
I'll see ya.
1794
01:53:32,681 --> 01:53:37,351
Five goddamn months,
and they don't even give
a guy off for time- good behavior.
1795
01:53:37,436 --> 01:53:40,480
Hey, thanks, man.
I'll see you around.
1796
01:53:40,564 --> 01:53:42,690
Possible.
1797
01:53:42,774 --> 01:53:44,734
Take care of
the squirrels.
1798
01:53:47,779 --> 01:53:49,739
[ Barking ]
1799
01:53:50,949 --> 01:53:52,909
So long, pup-pup.
1800
01:53:55,579 --> 01:53:59,874
Will you go, for Christ sakes?
Will you go before they change
their mind? Get outta here.
1801
01:53:59,958 --> 01:54:02,835
"O Lord God, listen favorably
to our prayers,
1802
01:54:02,920 --> 01:54:06,005
"and with your right hand
bless this jeep.
1803
01:54:06,089 --> 01:54:08,633
"Send your holy angels
so that all who ride in it...
1804
01:54:08,717 --> 01:54:11,177
"may be delivered and guarded
from every danger.
1805
01:54:11,261 --> 01:54:14,347
"And as you granted
faith and grace
by your deacon Philip...
1806
01:54:14,431 --> 01:54:19,018
"to the man from Ethiopia
who was sitting in his chariot
and reading holy scripture,
1807
01:54:19,102 --> 01:54:21,687
"show the way of salvation
to your servants...
1808
01:54:21,772 --> 01:54:25,650
"so that, helped by your grace
and always intent
on doing good works,
1809
01:54:25,734 --> 01:54:29,403
"they may, after all the trials
oftheir pilgrimage
and life on Earth,
1810
01:54:29,530 --> 01:54:33,074
"attain to everlasting joys
through Christ our Lord.
[ Chattering ]
1811
01:54:33,158 --> 01:54:35,159
Amen."
1812
01:54:35,285 --> 01:54:38,079
Captain Pierce, your driver
will be here in just a minute.
Yes, sir.
1813
01:54:38,163 --> 01:54:39,497
Have a good trip, sir.
1814
01:54:39,581 --> 01:54:41,499
Let's go, driver.
[ Whistles ]
1815
01:54:41,667 --> 01:54:47,004
[ Man On P.A. Clears Throat ]
Attention. Tonight's movie
has been MASH.
1816
01:54:47,089 --> 01:54:50,049
[ Chattering ]
Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons...
1817
01:54:50,175 --> 01:54:54,345
as they cut and stitch
their way along the front lines-
Good-bye! Good-bye!
1818
01:54:54,429 --> 01:54:57,223
operating as bombs-
[ Chuckles ]
1819
01:54:57,307 --> 01:55:00,726
operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them;
1820
01:55:00,811 --> 01:55:04,564
snatching laughs and love between
amputations and penicillin.
1821
01:55:04,648 --> 01:55:07,692
Did Hawkeye
steal that jeep?
1822
01:55:07,776 --> 01:55:09,694
No, sir.
That's the one he came in.
1823
01:55:09,778 --> 01:55:11,821
Oh, very good.
Come along, my dear.
1824
01:55:11,905 --> 01:55:15,783
[ Man On P.A. ]
Follow Hawkeye, Trapper,
Duke, Dago Red, Painless—
1825
01:55:15,909 --> 01:55:17,994
[ Whistles ]
Radar, Hot Lips, Dish...
1826
01:55:18,078 --> 01:55:19,996
and Staff Sergeant Vollmer...
1827
01:55:20,080 --> 01:55:22,582
as they put our boys
back together again.
1828
01:55:22,666 --> 01:55:24,917
Starring Donald Sutherland,
Elliot Gould,
1829
01:55:25,002 --> 01:55:29,046
Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman,
Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug,
1830
01:55:29,131 --> 01:55:32,300
Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen,
Gary Burghoff, David Arkin,
1831
01:55:32,384 --> 01:55:35,219
John Schuck, Fred Williamson,
Indus Arthur, Tim Brown,
1832
01:55:35,304 --> 01:55:38,556
Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,
Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon,
1833
01:55:38,640 --> 01:55:41,684
Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus,
Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood,
1834
01:55:41,768 --> 01:55:44,562
Michael Murphy, G. Wood,
Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.
1835
01:55:44,646 --> 01:55:47,189
Goddamn army.
That is all.
1836
01:55:47,274 --> 01:55:49,650
[ Gong Resounds ]
157415
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