All language subtitles for The.Naked.Gun.2025.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL.Hi

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE YELLING, SCREAMING)

(PANICKED GASPS)

(TELLER SCREAMS) (RAPID GUNFIRE)

(GUNSHOTS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(ROBBERS CHATTERING)

(DEVICE BEEPING)

(BEEPING SPEEDS UP) (BANG)

OFFICER 1: Go, go, go, go!
OFFICER 2: Move it, move it!

Let's go, let's go!
OFFICER 3: Come on!

CAPTAIN: It's a
powder keg in there.

No one moves till we
get word from the mayor.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GIRL HUMMING)

(HUMMING CONTINUES)

(WHISPERING) Shoot! Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Little girl.

Stop.

Stop!

ROBBER: Stay down!
(OVERLAPPING YELLING)

(YELLING DIES DOWN)

What do you want, little one?

Your ass.

(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)

(METALLIC SCRAPE)

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS, GAGS)

(GRUNTING)

(ROBBER YELPS)

(MUNCHING)

(GRUNTS)

(ROBBER YELLS)

(BOWLING PINS CLATTER)

Boo! (YELPS)

(GASPS)

(GUNSHOT) (GROANS)

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

(ELECTRIC VEHICLE HUMS)

Well done.

(ROBBER YELLS)

(GRUNTS)

(ROBBER CHOKING)

(GRUNTS)

Who...

who are you?

Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

The new version.

(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUNSHOTS)

(SHELL CASINGS CLATTER)

MAN: Shoot. Um...

(GUNSHOTS)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: My name is
Sergeant Frank Drebin,

Detective Lieutenant,
Police Squad,

a special division of the LAPD.

The day after the bank robbery
started like any other.

I woke up in my
empty cop apartment,

stared at a picture of
my deceased cop wife

and choked back cop tears.

A perfect morning? Sure.

But I had no idea what this
city had in store for me.

(CYCLIST GRUNTS) (BELL RINGING)

CYCLIST: What the hell?

MAN: Hey! MAN 2: There he is.

WOMAN: Way to go,
Frank! (APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES)

Thank you. Thanks, everyone.

What is this?

Don't cheer for him!

You two, my office now!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(TELEPHONES RINGING)

CHIEF DAVIS: Thanks to
you, I just spent two hours

getting chewed out by the mayor.

Apparently, some of the bank
robbers you put in the ICU,

they're lawyering
up to sue the city.

That's ridiculous.
They're criminals.

It's the law.

Since when do cops
have to follow the law?

Since forever. FRANK: Oh, yeah?

And who's going to
arrest me? Other cops?

Yes. Is she serious?

Is he serious?

He's... no.

Look, let me be crystal clear.

They are threatening to shut
down Police Squad because of you.

Honestly, you're lucky
you still work here

after last year's
McDonald's incident.

They wouldn't sell
me Freedom Fries.

You arrested the entire staff!

FRANK: I wasn't
thinking clearly.

I was furious about the
Janet Jackson Super Bowl.

That was 20 years ago!

Not to me.

We understand,
Chief. You're right.

CHIEF DAVIS: Good.

'Cause I'm taking
you off the bank job.

What? I'm putting
you on collisions.

There's a crash up in Malibu.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

And make sure your bodycams
are actually turned on!

Got it. Camera will be on.

(COFFEE SPLATS)

CHIEF DAVIS: Drebin!

It's a new day at Police Squad!

(GROANS) Things are changing
so fast around here.

I guess you really can't
fight City Hall, huh?

No. It's a building.

ED: Now, there's a real man.

They just don't make 'em
like your pops anymore.

FRANK: I'm glad he's not around to
see what Police Squad has come to.

Mind if I take a minute, Ed?

Of... of course.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Hi, Daddy. It's me, Frank Jr.

I want to be just
like you, but...

at the same time, be completely
different and original.

So, if you're proud of me,

give me a sign, like...

maybe make me see
an owl or something.

ED: Hey, Dad.

It's me, Ed.

Boy, do I miss you.

(OFFICERS WEEPING)

COP: Hey, Pops.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Mm-mm.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: Ed and I pulled up to the
Malibu car crash around 2:00 p.m.

Nothing unusual.

But in this city, usual
is unusual... usually.

What the hell?

(MUFFLED RADIO CHATTER)

So how was your date
last night, Frank?

Ah, I couldn't go
through with it.

ED: You canceled? Nope.

I didn't want to upset her,

so I had Officer Barnes tell
her I was stabbed to death.

You're a real romantic, Frank.

But everyone needs someone,
even a widower like you.

I'm just not ready to
open myself to love again.

I had them wait to clear the
wreck so you could get eyes on it.

Crash happened around 4:00 a.m.

Well, there are no
skid marks on the road.

He didn't hit the brakes
before going over.

Drunk?

A little. Just
enough to wake me up.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Fancy car.

ED: Yeah, it's one of those
new EdenTech electric ones.

FRANK: Electric, huh?

I remember when the only things that
were electric were eels, chairs,

and Catherine
Zeta-Jones in Chicago.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: Empty pill bottles.

(SNIFFLES)

Huh.

Who was he?

Simon Davenport, 53 years old.

No wife, no kids.

He's got a sister
out in Hancock Park,

but we don't really know anything
about her other than her name.

Beth Davenport.

Divorced, 5'6", 130 pounds.

Spitfire of a personality.
Self-proclaimed chocoholic.

Likes outdoorsy things but is just
as happy curling up with a good book.

All right. I've seen enough.

Mark it as suicide.

Go ahead!

WORKER: Bring in the crane!

(JUBILANT ARCADE MUSIC PLAYS)

(THUDS)

(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)

(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: Oh, my God, it's up! MAN:
Wait, I got to see what I got!

Yes, I got it! MAN
2: Come on, man!

MAN 3: She can't even sing!

(CUPS CLATTERING, SPLASHING)

Lieutenant? What's up, Barnes?

Look, I know you're off the bank job,
sir, but I could really use your advice.

Go for it. Look, it's
the strangest thing.

All the thieves had
never met each other

and none of them knew who
they were working for.

Brilliant! (CHILDREN SOBBING)

If they don't know
anything, they can't squeal.

Whoever orchestrated
this is very smart.

And get this.

The robbers were told that
they could keep the cash.

Who organizes a bank robbery
and doesn't keep the cash?

They must have been
after something else.

Why don't you bring
in one of the perps?

See if we can get them talking.

Got it. Thank you.

Heads up, Frank.
You got a visitor.

I told her to wait outside,
but she just walked in.

You want me to get rid of her?

(SEDUCTIVE JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

No.

That's okay, I'll deal with it.

(JAZZ MUSIC STOPS)

Oh.

WOMAN: Over here, Lieutenant.

(JAZZ MUSIC RESUMES)

FRANK: I'd sworn off
love after my wife died,

but this woman was put
together in all the right ways.

Face, head, shoulders,
knees and toes.

Knees and toes...

and a bottom that would make
any toilet beg for the brown.

Sorry to keep you
waiting, ma'am.

How may I help you?

You're wrong about
Simon Davenport.

He wouldn't commit suicide.

Simon Davenport.

The stiff from the Malibu crash.

That stiff was my brother.

Oh, I mean... he wasn't
that stiff, really.

Not yet.

More floppy and bloated.

No, I mean, I'm so
sorry for your loss.

Please, take a chair.

No, thank you.

I have plenty of chairs at home.

Now, Mrs...

Davenport.

Miss Beth Davenport.

Mr.? Drebin.

Miss...

Detective Frank Drebin.

Detective, I think
someone murdered Simon.

Really? What makes
you think that?

Well, he called me last night.

He said he was in
some kind of trouble.

So we made plans to
meet this morning.

Does that sound like someone
who's planning to kill themselves?

No, it certainly does not.

(CRYING) Why would
someone do that to him?

(CRYING) Trust me,

there's always a
reason to kill someone.

Did he have an obnoxious laugh?

(SOBS) No.

Forgive me, I'm just not myself.

That's okay. I'm
not you, either.

(LOUD SPLAT)

Tell me,

what did your
brother do for work?

Computers.

He was a programmer
for Richard Cane.

The genius who's gonna save the
world with his electric cars.

Well, he's the first
person you should talk to.

Then you could check Simon's driving
records and see if they match.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down there.

Excuse me?

Let's just leave the
police work to me, okay?

Oh. I see.

Same old story
with guys like you.

Guys like me?

Stubborn old men who think
they know what's best.

I understand you're upset,
but this is what I do.

If someone did off your
brother, I'll find him.

I appreciate that, Detective.
But Simon was all I had.

So you'll forgive me if I don't just
sit around and hope you do your job.

That's exactly what
I expect you to do.

When I have something,
I'll contact you.

I'm doing a series of
book readings this week.

You can find me there.

FRANK: Book readings?

BETH: Yes. I write
true-crime novels

based on fictional
stories that I make up.

Yes, well,

you may write about it,

but I live it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
we're having a birthday party

and I'm the best
singer in the office.

On second thought, I
will take that chair.

(CHAIR CLANGING)

Whoa.

FRANK: I couldn't remember the last
time someone had talked to me like that.

It was the kind of dressing
down you usually have to pay for

in the basement of a
laundromat. But she...

ED: She had the kind of hips

you wanted to put a
hula hoop on and spin.

The kind that made you...
(MUSINGS OVERLAPPING)

Fellas, do you mind?

(FLUSTERED MUMBLING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: I wasn't convinced Simon
Davenport had been murdered.

But the case was starting
to give me an itch.

And when I start to scratch,

I don't stop till I break skin

and the doctor makes
me wear mittens.

Thanks.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(PARTYGOERS CHATTERING)

Coat check? Champagne?

(WAITER GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS)

(SLURPS, GAGS)

(COINS JANGLE)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: Richard Cane had made his
first fortune in microprocessors,

and then used it to build a
vast online retail marketplace

and green technology empire.

(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER)

Then, suddenly, the
bear charges towards me.

I ready my knife,

and he barrels right past me

to a honey hive
above the campsite!

It had been there all along!

And I hadn't seen it.

(GUFFAWS)

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Ah. You've arrived.

Lieutenant Drebin.

Me, too! I'm Richar...

(CLEARS THROAT) Richard Cane.

Please, walk with me.

So, what can you tell
me about Mr. Davenport?

Simon was a brilliant engineer,

and one of our best.

I had no idea he was
so terribly depressed.

(GUESTS GASPING) Suicide
is a dreadful thing.

Possible suicide.

You suspect something foul?

No. A chicken probably
couldn't do this.

But I'm not ruling anything out.

I see.

Was this one of the projects
Simon was working on?

No, what you see here is a
red light therapy machine

proven to increase testosterone.

Did you know that men's sperm
count is at historic lows

across the board? Fascinating.

I've never put my
sperm across a board.

I have an old Bon
Jovi T-shirt for that.

(SIZZLING)

You know, I hope you don't think
it's awkward my saying this,

but I'm actually a
big fan of yours.

Is that so? Yes.

I read about your work
at the bank robbery.

Guys like you are a dying breed.

Guys like me? Yes, men of action

who don't ask permission to
fix what they know is broken.

I'm surprised to
hear you say that,

coming from someone who's
so into these gadgets.

Oh. You don't enjoy the
marvels of the modern age?

No offense, but the
world was better before.

I agree, but don't tell anyone.

Uh, cigar?

Looks it to me.

No, would you like one?

Smoking indoors?

Care to write me a ticket?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

That matchbook.

I've seen it before.

It's the Bengal.

It's a supper club I own for
some of the city's elite.

It's the kind of place
where men can be themselves,

have a few drinks and, uh,

like the Black Eyed
Peas once said,

"get retarded in here."

You can still say that word?

In my club, you can.

Well, I love the
Black Eyed Peas.

Who doesn't? I
know a few people.

They're fools. I know.

Will.i.am. apl.de.ap.

Taboo.

Don't forget Fergie. I
would never forget Fergie.

BOTH: The Dutchess.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Well, if you need anything,

please don't hesitate to call.

Thank you. I'll be in touch.

Uh, it's that way. Of course.

Huh.

(SHARP INHALE)

Why don't we get Mr. Drebin
a little gift for tomorrow?

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

The EdenVox-1.

Police Squad's first ever
fully automated, self-driving

electric vehicle.

A gift we just received
from Richard Cane.

You must've made some kind of
impression last night, Frank.

Yeah, it would seem so.

Coffee? Yes, thank you.

(COFFEE SPLATTERS) TECH: Don't be
shy, fellas. Come check it out.

(WELCOMING CHIME)

(FRANK GRUNTS)

Snug. (CHUCKLES)

TECH: All electric.

Zero to sixty in 3.1 seconds.

I guess that's good.

TECH: Watch this.

Car, open doors.

(GRUNTS)

Neat trick. (CHUCKLES)
Now you try.

(CAR DOOR PINGING)

Car...

please, close doors.

(GENTLE CHIME) (ED GROANING)

(FINGERS CRUNCH)
(STRAINED SCREAM)

Hey!

Pretty fun, I guess.

Okay, how about this? Car...

drive forward 30 feet.

(FRANK CHUCKLES)

(CLATTERING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Pretty smooth. All right.

(CLANKING)

(ALARM BLARING)

Impressive.

ED: Hey! Guys?

COP: Freeze! Don't...

(OFFICERS YELLING)

(GUNSHOTS)

I tell you, this place
is falling apart.

I got half a dozen witnesses
that place you on the scene.

We know you were at the bank!

I'm telling you, I wasn't there.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

Thanks, Park.

This is quite the rap
sheet you've got here.

It says you served 20
years for "man's laughter."

Must have been quite the joke.

You mean "manslaughter"?

(OVER SPEAKERS) Well...

we know your boss
didn't want cash.

So what was the point of the
robbery? What did he want?

I... wasn't... there.

You think you're so smart.

Well, I think my bodycam
might tell a different story.

Ed?

Technology really is something.

Police Squad is all about
"transparency" these days.

(SCATTING ABSENTMINDEDLY)

Dispatch, this is Drebin. 10-7.

Oh, yeah!

A chili dog.

(GROANS)

Mm-hmm!

Breakfast of champions.

FRANK: And a little
black coffee.

Okay, you can
fast-forward a bit.

(FAST-FORWARDING)

FRANK: License and
registration, please.

MAN: Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh... (CHUCKLES)

This isn't mine.

(WET FLATULENCE)
FRANK: Excuse me.

(FARTING CONTINUES) FRANK:
Oh, boy. Listen, uh,

you seem like a decent fella.

I'm gonna let you off with a
warning. Have a great day, bye.

It's much later in the
day. Fast-forward a while.

(FAST-FORWARDING)

You'll see. Just wait.

(STRAINED SIGH)

I need a bathroom. Oh, God.

Come on, move, move, move!

Focus, Frank, focus.

You got this, you got this.

(FRANK CRIES OUT,
MOANS ON MONITOR)

(GRUNTS)

Maybe a little more.

I'm gonna ruin another suit!

Barnes! (PANICKED GROANING)

BARNES: Sorry.

(FOOTAGE FAST-FORWARDING)

FRANK: Police business!

Uh, there is a
line, man! (SCREAMS)

(CUSTOMERS SCREAMING)

FRANK: Come on!

(FOOTAGE FAST-FORWARDING)

You're disgusting,
you stupid idiot.

Breastfed until you
were 13, you freak.

(FOOTAGE FAST-FORWARDING)

Can't get it up without the
stench of milk on your chin.

(VOICE TREMBLING)
Don't you dare.

Don't do it. Don't eat it!

SUSPECT: Oh, God! Frank.

I had five more that day.

Feel better, Frank?
You better believe it.

Mm! (FOOTAGE FAST-FORWARDING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes!

That's you inside the
bank, plain as day.

Okay, fine.

Whoever we was working
for, they was crazy.

I mean, they just wanted us
to get some safe deposit box.

Safe deposit box.

(FRANK GRUNTS)

There. Box 595.

Ed, check the list. ED: Yep.

You're not gonna
believe this one, Frank.

Simon Davenport.

FRANK: So you're saying,

these two cases...

are one case.

Gentlemen, when you joined
me to launch EdenTech,

it was with one goal.

To save the world.

Together, we've created
technologies to rival the Gods.

Has the world gotten any better?

No. It's only gotten worse.

Now, when the Founding
Fathers created this country,

they sat in a room like this,
filled with men like us,

and birthed an empire.

The USA.

Yes, that's right.

But as years went by,

other people wanted
to get into that room.

Fish people.

What? MAN: Fish people.

Gills on their necks.

I don't... Like
mermen and merwomen.

Mermaids. Right.

CANE: No, stop. Not fish people.

Ungrateful people.

People that did not earn
their seat at the table.

People not built like
the men in this room.

Crab hands.

They had crab hands
instead of fingers.

Stop! I know what I mean. So
just let me do the talking.

This is a crab-hand
person. I've met him.

Put the phone away!

(CANE CLEARS THROAT)

Now, it is time for us to admit

that the path we are
on is not working.

The system's broken.

And what does one do when
a system is malfunctioning?

You unplug it.

And then,

you plug it in again.

I call it the Primordial
Law of Toughness Device.

Now let me show you
what it's capable of.

Last year, we set up cameras
at the local community center.

Decided to run a
little experiment.

The question.

What would happen
to modern humans

if you reverted their psyche
to an original state of nature?

(BEEPING, PULSE EMANATES)
(CACOPHONOUS YELLING)

When activated, the device
sends an audio frequency

that reduces the brain
to its animalistic core.

(YELLING) In this case,
the frequency was limited.

But next time, it will spread
through every smart device

until the entire
world is infected.

As for us, upon detonation,

we will decamp to one of my
super bunkers around the world

where there will
be food and water,

and the best live entertainment
the world has to offer.

What's up, evil billionaires?

I am so excited to
be doing live shows

for as long as it takes,

in the Doomsday Giggle Bunkeroom

located in Block 4 of
the Arizona District.

See you there!

Amish Paradise.

Hmm.

And when the embers
have died down,

any survivors left will have
earned their place alongside us,

and we will return to a world

that is but a blank slate
upon which we can rebuild

as the founding
fathers of a new Eden.

Gentlemen, lady,

this New Year's
Eve, I give you...

Project Inferno!

(CRACKLING EXPLOSION)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: It turned out that Cane's
nightclub was only half a mile

from where Simon
Davenport crashed.

And that got me thinking.

Maybe he had been there
the night he died.

So I hopped into my new
electric cruiser... (SNORING)

...and told it to
head to Malibu.

CONSOLE: Warning.
Please take the wheel.

Warning. Please take the
wheel. (WORKER YELLING)

CONSOLE: Warning.
Please take the wheel.

Collision detected. Please
take the wheel. (GRUNTS)

Get out of the road!
Move! (WOMAN SCREAMING)

What's wrong with you people?
CONSOLE: Collision detected.

What is this city coming
to? (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(PATRONS SOFTLY CHATTER)

What can I get you?

I was wondering if
you could help me.

I'm looking for a friend who
may have been here before.

Nah, I haven't seen him.

You hardly looked
at it. I saw enough.

(GLASS SQUEAKING)

You don't remember me, do you?

Should I?

My brother, you shot him
"in the name of justice."

That can literally be
thousands of people.

Shot him in the
back as he ran away.

Hundreds. Unarmed.

At least 50. He was white.

(RAPS COUNTER) So you're
Tony Roiland's brother!

That's right.

How is old Tony?
Are you serious?

Bad.

Right.

So, your friend,
maybe I have seen him.

Maybe I haven't.

(WHISPERING) I can't remember.

You can't remember, huh? Nah.

Well, maybe this'll
jog your memory.

(THUDS) BARKEEP: Oh!

Ah!

Oof!

Gah! (BARKEEP GRUNTS)

That's better. Remember now?

Yeah, I remember.

He sat in a corner
booth. He had a drink.

But that's all I know.

Where do they keep
surveillance footage?

(GROANS) In the back.

But even I'm not
allowed in there.

(BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER)

Thank you.

(GLISSANDO)

FRANK: And there she was again.

I had to admit,
she was beautiful.

She had a body that
carried her head around,

and a butt that seemed to say,

"Hello, I'm a talking butt."

Elegant? Yeah, I'd say so.

(THUDS) Oh!

FRANK: But like a teenager
with three babysitting jobs,

I didn't need another
babysitting job.

Hello, Lieutenant.

What the hell are
you doing here?

I'm doing the same
thing you are.

I told you I wasn't gonna
sit around and wait.

Listen, this isn't
one of your stories.

Average civilian women
don't suddenly solve crimes.

Oh, you read my book.

What'd you think?

I think it's a fantasy.

A woman puts on a
wig and sunglasses

and suddenly she's an assassin?

But did you enjoy it?

It had some good parts.

CANE: Ah!

Lieutenant Drebin.

Does he know you're
Simon's sister?

No. Good. Let's
keep it that way.

What a wonderful surprise.

Fine, thank you.

Beautiful place you've got here.

Can't smell the
dead animals at all.

Thank you.

Uh, can I get you a drink?

Just water. And sparkling.

(SNAPS FINGERS) (CRACKLING)

And who is this
stunning creature?

I don't believe we've met.

Well, I'm... Uh,
th... this is Miss...

Cherry...

Roosevelt...

Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.

What an interesting name.
Yes. (NERVOUS GIGGLE)

Thank you.

So, Lieutenant, what
brings you here?

I was hoping you could let me take
a look at your security footage.

Oh. May I ask why?

Go right ahead.

Uh...

Unfortunately, I can't
show you security footage.

Our members trust that
we will provide them

with the highest
level of privacy.

I hope you understand.

I'm starting to.

Well, thank you so
much for the drink.

It's getting late. We
really must be going.

So soon?

I hope you're not leaving,
too, Miss Spaghetti.

Oh, well, I... Yes,
she's leaving, too.

Early morning at
Disneyland tomorrow.

She's one of those
Disney adults.

Obsessed, really. Her
bed is covered in dolls.

(FORCED CHUCKLE) Oh, Miss
Spaghetti, please stay for a drink.

Uh, you don't mind,
do you, Drebin?

Be my guest.

Wonderful. I'll get a table.

(CANE CHUCKLES)

You get the footage,
I'll keep him occupied.

I'm... Absolutely not!

Oh, thank you.

Wow. This place is amazing.

CANE: Ah. Thank you.

Miss Spaghetti,
may I speak freely?

I'd prefer English.

You're much too
sophisticated... (GUARD GRUNTS)

...for the likes
of Frank Drebin.

Oh. I'm not with Drebin.

Oh. Well, that's wonderful
news! (GUARD GRUNTING)

(CANE CHUCKLES) GUARD: Oof!

(PAINED GROAN)

Cheers.

From Bill Cosby's
private estate.

BETH: Mm. (SPITS DRINK)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)
(TENSE MUSIC STOPS)

(TENSE MUSIC RESUMES)

(DUCK QUACKS, WINGS
FLAPPING) (TENSE MUSIC STOPS)

(TENSE MUSIC RESUMES)

Gah! Oof! (TENSE MUSIC STOPS)

(FRANK GRUNTING) (THUDS)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(PAINED GROANS)

(FRANK GRUNTS)

That hurt! (CELLPHONE RINGS)

FRANK: (WHISPERING)
Shoot! (CELLPHONE BEEPS)

Mom, Mom, now is
not a good time.

Mom, please, I'll call you back.

I got to go. I got to
go. I got to go now.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

BETH: So, tell me,

what have you been
working on lately?

Oh, let's not talk about
work. Let's talk about play.

(CANE CHUCKLES)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, do you like
jazz, Miss Spaghetti?

Like it? Hm.

I love it. I love it.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Sir. Um...

(WHISPERING) We've
got a problem.

CANE: Not now.

GUSTAFSON: No, it's
quite... Not now.

Yes, sir. (MIC FEEDBACK WHINES)

This one's for my
electric new friend,

Richard Cane.

(CHUCKLING) Wow!

Sassafras Chicken in D.

Make it extra lumpy, boys.

(SCATTING)

FRANK: I've always said fighting
is a lot like jazz music.

A scat-like improv

where one lets imagination
take control of their body.

(CRIES OUT)

(PANTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Huh?

(PAINED GROAN)

(SCATTING RAPIDLY)

(SLOWING, SOBS) Oh...

(SHARP INHALE) I'm fine.

(CHUCKLES) (YIPS AND HOWLS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING) (DING)

(GRUNTING) (DING)

(GRUNTING) (DING)

(HONKS) (BETH SCATTING)

(SCATTING CONTINUES)

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(BETH SCATTING OVER MONITOR)

(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)

There's two things I love.
My stay-at-home girlfriend

and Gorilla Nut... Come on.

...enhanced drink
supplement for men.

Don't follow fad diets
and fake workouts.

(SIGHS) You want to get ripped?

All you need is Muscle
Slime. Rub it on and...

Well, look at that.

And who are you, my secret
eavesdropping friend?

Douglas O'Reilly,
investigative journalist,

L.A. Chronicle. (MONITOR BEEPS)

(MEN SHOUTING ON MONITOR) Shoot.

(BEEPING)

(HOWLING AND YIPPING SHRILLY)

(ALARM SOUNDS)

(INDISTINCT CROWD CHATTER)

(CANE CLEARS THROAT)

It seems Mr. Drebin might be more
of a problem than we thought.

I want you to keep
an eye on him.

And make sure he doesn't
cause any more distractions.

Yes, sir.

(NOTIFICATION BUZZES)

Davis. This better be good.

He did what?

Get me Drebin this instant!

Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but
you have to listen to me.

There's something
deeper going on here.

(SHUSHES)

(WHISPERING) You wake up my
husband, I swear to God...

(WHISPERING) I'm sorry. What the
hell were you thinking, Drebin?

Richard Cane is a
very powerful man.

And he makes a lot of hefty
donations to this city,

including the new
car you're driving.

Richard Cane is dirty.

He's involved with the
Simon Davenport murder.

And by the way,
the bank job, too!

You're still working
the bank job?

That's it. You're suspended!

(LOUDLY) Suspended? (SHUSHES)

What did I say
about waking Ronald?

He has a Fitzgerald
presentation tomorrow. (SNORING)

And if Morimoto doesn't accept
his vertical-integration pitch,

Bill Cantor will leapfrog him
for the third year in a row.

But Ronald trained
Bill. Exactly!

I've got no choice.

I'm putting you
on ice. Two weeks.

Effective immediately.

Now get out. (SIGHS)

(WHISPERING) We're all
rooting for you, Ronald.

Give 'em hell tomorrow.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

BETH: Rough night? (GASPS)

Oh. It's you.

Now tell me. What'd you see
on the security footage?

Listen. I feel for
you. I really do.

But I had to beat up a
lot of henchmen tonight.

Men with daughters!

Oh, come on. You wouldn't even
have seen it if I didn't help you.

Help me? That's rich.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm tired, I'm hungry.

Goodnight, Miss Davenport.

What if we had a little
dinner, together?

I sure could go for a...

bite.

Slow down, chef. This
turkey burns at 450.

How hot was I cooking?
About a thousand.

Turkey needs slow and low.

Unless you like
your center pink.

Oh, I love my centers pink.

You're not worried the rare
meat will ruin a good stuffing?

As long as you don't
mind if I get salmonella.

Mind it? I prefer it.

I like a sick little boy.

You're not gonna stop
hounding me, are you?

Not for a second.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(DISTANT DOG BARKS)

Thank you.

(VELCRO RIPS)
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

Uh... excuse the mess.

I, uh...

haven't had the heart
to clean... (CLATTERING)

...since my wife died.

My condolences.
How did she pass?

Great. Fifty yards easy.

Arm like a cannon.

And then she died.

So we'll never know if
she could've gone pro.

She was the sweetest
woman I've ever known.

She sounds like a saint.

Or maybe a Bronco or a 49er.

We would've been happy
with any team, really.

Anyone but the Browns.

That's quite a view you have.

You know, I've been drawn to the hills
ever since I moved here for college.

UCLA?

I see it every day. I live here.

FRANK: I'm afraid I
don't have much to offer.

Hmm.

However... (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

All that turkey talk outside

got me in the Thanksgiving mood.

I think I have a full turkey
around here somewhere.

But my oven is filthy.

I don't mind. I
like a dirty bird.

Mm-hmm.

(SIRENS IN DISTANCE)

(SIGHS)

(BUZZING)

(GROANS)

(SCRUBBING)

You weren't lying. This
oven is disgusting!

It sure was fun to talk
about a dirty bird, but...

it would be unsanitary.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

BOTH: Oops. (LAUGHING)

Well, hot brine is the
most important part.

It sure is. (GIGGLES)

Uh-oh. This is my Buster. Oh!

(BETH CHUCKLES) He must've
smelled what's going on.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GUSTAFSON EXHALES)

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Silly dog, that's not for you.

GUSTAFSON: Ew.

Okay.

(WINCES)

Ah.

(LAUGHS) He's so
strong. (BUSTER GROWLS)

Put that down.

How about some nice
scratches instead?

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Yes.

GUSTAFSON: Wow.

I don't like this.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, your hair. May I?

Oh. Yes.

(CRUNCHING)

That's better.

BETH: Is this crazy?

It's been a long time.

I'm afraid I may have
forgotten how to kiss.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

(KISSES) Mmm.

(BOTH GROANING SOFTLY)

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US
NOW BY STARSHIP PLAYING)

BETH: Oh, wow.

How beautiful. (CHUCKLES)

MALE SINGER: ♪
Lookin' in your eyes

♪ I see a paradise

♪ This world that I found
Is too good to be true

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

♪ Standin' here beside you

♪ Want so much to give you

♪ This love in my heart
That I'm feeling for you

(WHOOSHING)

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ Let
'em say we're crazy

♪ I don't care about that

♪ Put your hand in my hand
Baby, don't ever look back

♪ Let the world around
us Just fall apart

♪ Baby, we can make it
If we're heart to heart

(WHOOSHING)

♪ And we can build
This dream together

♪ Standing strong forever

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now

♪ And if this world
Runs out of lovers

♪ We'll still have each other

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now

(INHALER PUFFS)

♪ Whoa, whoa

MALE SINGER: ♪ I'm
so glad I found you

♪ I'm not gonna lose you

♪ Whatever it takes I
will stay here with you

♪ Take it to the good times

♪ See it through the bad times

♪ Whatever it takes
Is what I'm gonna do

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ Let them say
we're crazy What do they know?

♪ Put your arms around me
Baby, don't ever let go

♪ Let the world around
us Just fall apart

♪ Baby, we can make it
If we're heart to heart

(SONG SLOWS DOWN, DISTORTING)

(THUNDER CLAPS) (PUFFING)

(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

(BETH SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

(FRANK PANTING)

(GASPING, WHEEZING)

(CLICKS) (INHALES)

(CLICKING)

(METAL CLINKS, ECHOES)

♪ And we can build
This dream together

♪ Standing strong forever

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us

♪ And if this world
Runs out of lovers

♪ We'll still have each other

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Now ♪

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: After a relaxing
weekend away with Beth...

CYCLIST: (SCREAMS) Not again!

...it was time to
get back to the case.

So I called the L.A.
Chronicle news desk

to follow up on
Douglas O'Reilly,

but was informed that he
hadn't made it into work.

So I headed to his apartment.

Douglas O'Reilly?

Lieutenant Frank Drebin
here, Police Squad.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello?

Anyone home?

(SQUELCH)

Oh, no.

Hey, Douglas, I stepped in
some kind of red liquid!

You got any paper towels?

I'm dragging it all
over your place.

Huh.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

I picked up your knife for you!

Where do you want it?

(READING)

(CLICKS)

Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

I did it. (CLICKS)

Okay. (OBJECTS CLATTER)

O'Reilly, that you?

O'Reilly?

(GASPS)

And that's when it hit me.

Like an idiot's
finished jigsaw puzzle,

I was being framed.

I needed to clean
the crime scene.

No body, no crime. (GROANS)

(FAN RATTLES)

(BLOOD SPURTS) (GROANS)

Hiding the body was
no longer an option.

COP: Freeze!

It's not what it looks like!

(GRIPPING MUSIC PLAYING)

(BODY THUDS)

He's running!

(PANTING) Car, drive.

Thank you, car. (CAR DINGS)

(LATCHES CLICK, ELECTRIC
ENGINE WHIRS) What the...

(ACCELERATING)

Car, stop it.

I said stop!

Hello, Drebin. Mind
if I take the wheel?

Cane. What's going on?

I've taken control of the car.

It's a little trick I have

for when I want to fix mistakes.

So that's how Davenport died.

He didn't drive himself
off a cliff, you did.

Now you're getting
somewhere, Detective.

But not before he spilled
your secrets to that reporter.

So you went and killed him, too.

I didn't kill him,
Frank. You did.

You're the crazy cop
who stabbed the reporter

and then drove himself
into the ocean.

The hell I am. (HANDLE CLICKING)

There's no escape, Drebin.

I'm just a little sad
that you won't be there

to see what I have in store when
the New Year's Eve balls drop.

Oh, well. Have a nice trip.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)
(PHONE CLICKS ON TABLE)

(SIZZLING) Ohh. (SIGHS)

Hi, Susan.

(ELECTRIC ENGINE WHIRS)

(BEEPING)

(CHIMES)

(GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERS)

Move! Move, move!

(YELPS)

(GRUNTING)

(BUZZING) FRANK: Bees?

No. No. No!

(BUZZING)

(ACCELERATING)

Move! Out of the way! Move!

(BEEPING)

(CLIPPY READING)

What? Open the doors!

CLIPPY: You got it! (DINGS)

(GRUNTS)

Frank! Are you
okay? Where are you?

Never mind that. I know how
Simon Davenport was killed.

It was Richard Cane. He
drove him off the cliff.

Well, there's a warrant
out for your arrest.

(OVER PHONE) They're claiming
that you killed a reporter.

Say it isn't so.

It ain't so, Ed.

There's another thing, Frank.

The mayor got wind
of this whole mess

and they're pulling
our funding. What?

Police Squad is shut down
effective immediately.

This is all because
of me. I'll fix this.

Do me a favor, Frank.
Lay low. You got it.

Thank you, Ed.

(SIGHS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

FRANK: Excuse me, do you
have a phone I could use?

Thanks.

FRANK: As soon as I could,

I called Beth to
break her the news.

It wasn't easy, but I hoped
it would bring her some peace.

Thanks.

What the hell, man?

Oh, Frank.

Thank you.

God, you're hurt. It's nothing.

Don't be silly. Come in.

This is all I could find.

Might sting a bit.

Go for it.

(WINCES)

It's okay. Keep going. Okay.

Cane said he had something big in
store tomorrow for New Year's Eve.

I'm willing to bet it's whatever
Simon was trying to warn us about.

What do you mean, something big?

(GRINDING) I don't know.

But people could be in danger.

I see.

Frank, I have a confession.

When my brother called
me before he died,

he told me some things
that I haven't told you.

Go on.

He told me he was working on
some kind of therapeutic device.

Something to calm people down.

But he was worried now that someone
could use it to do the opposite.

Calm people up? He didn't say.

He just told me that if
anything were to happen to him,

I needed to do whatever it
took to stop the device.

Those were his last words to me.

So that's why you inserted
yourself into my investigation.

Well, at first.

And that's why you showed
up at the Bengal Club.

Yes.

And that's why you
pretended to love me. No!

Frank...

No, how could you say that?

I can't believe I opened
myself up to love again.

I wrote that whole song about
it. I rented studio space!

Don't go, please.

Frank, please.

Look at me.

What is that?

What? (SCOFFS)

That.

That's my TiVo that
I lent you yesterday

so that you could watch
season one of Buffy.

So that you could start
getting my references.

I know that, Frank.

And I specifically told you not
to plug it into the internet.

Oh. "Oh?"

That's an Ethernet cord

going from my TiVo
directly into your router,

where the internet comes from!

I was just trying to plug
it into the electricity.

And now they might be expired.

That means gone!

No musical special.

No Xander. No Spike.
No Cordelia Chase.

No Daniel "Oz" Osbourne.

No Willow-meets-her-doppelganger
episode. Nothing!

Sorry, I didn't know they
were so... (INTERRUPTS)

Frank, we're in the middle of
an important... (INTERRUPTS)

Just stand there.

(TiVo CHIRPING)

(SCOFFS)

They're gone!

(PHONE RINGS)

BETH: It's okay. It's
just the landline.

I'll get it.

Hello.

It's Ed. I've got something.

Okay.

I'll be right there.

FRANK: Ed had dug
through the bank footage

and identified a man who'd
slipped out the back,

who also happened to be Cane's head
of security and right-hand man.

If anyone knew Cane's plan, it would
be him. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

We needed to get him alone
and put the squeeze on.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) FRANK:
But we had to do it in our own way,

off the books. We're
on our way now.

You're not my normal driver.

(DOOR CLOSES) This
isn't my normal car.

(HISSES)

That's not my normal gas.

This isn't the normal way
I fall asleep. (GROANS)

(MONITOR BEEPING)

(GUSTAFSON SIGHS)

NURSE: Hello, doctor?
He's waking up.

What day is it?
NURSE: January 2nd.

You've been here for three days.

Three days?

(EXHALES) What the...

Can you turn that up, please?

That won't be necessary, nurse.

Hello, Mr. Gustafson.

You!

Surprised to see me?

Your little plan,
it didn't work out.

We stopped it.
The good guys won.

Cane's in jail.

And here's the bad news
for you. He's singing.

He told us you killed Simon
Davenport and that reporter.

There's talk you might
get the chair for this.

You're lying. Am I?

Mm-hmm. Then tell me
what really happened.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.

Tough guy, huh?

You know what happens to big pretty
boys like you in San Quentin?

Ooh! They're gonna love you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, yeah. I've seen
it a hundred times.

Massive cutie pie like you?
You'll be very popular.

First day in, probably have
your mugshot go viral online.

The "sexy jailbird."

Congrats, you're famous.

Okay.

Then one day, your new fan
army finds a legal loophole,

and suddenly, you're free!
You're back on the streets!

That's... That's not bad.

Only now, you've got
an image to uphold.

The "sexy jailbird."

Say goodbye to carbs.
Hello, intermittent fasting.

You like ramen? Well, it's
all broth for you, baby!

Not to mention, there's
a new sexy jailbird now.

And he's all about
body positivity.

He's eating burgers on
the prison Instagram

while you're starving
to death. No.

But your brand is skinny.
You can't change course now!

So you decide to end it.

Bang! Bullet in the head!

I wouldn't do
that. But you miss.

You only get the part of the
brain that regulates farts.

No. Now you're a new meme,

"farting guy." Is
that what you want?

To be "farting guy"? No.

Come on, tell me,
farting guy! No. No.

You love it! No!

Tell me! You love it! Stop it!

It was all Cane's plan!
It wasn't my plan!

What was?

He wanted to blast a frequency

that would infect people's brains
and turn them into savages.

And where was he gonna do
that? At the WWFC fight.

Downtown, midnight.

Where was he gonna
put the device?

In the New Year's balls.

The balls.

Hey... where you going?

I want a lawyer, okay?

I'm sorry that we
framed you! I'm sorry!

Did you get all that?
BARNES: Every word.

(POWER SWITCH CLICKS)

We don't have much time. It's
only 90 minutes till New Year's.

What? What is happening?

How is getting a
confession like this legal?

Sometimes to get the job done,
you have to break the law.

I do it all the time.

Huh.

Did we get all that?
MAN: We got it.

Huh?

BARNES: Internal Affairs.

You're under arrest for the illegal
detainment of Sig Gustafson.

No! Ah! So you set
me up. Impressive.

Uh, just one thing,

how were you able to build
these sets so quickly?

I just told some
city contractors

that I'd pull their licenses
if they didn't help us.

Did you get all that?
MAN: Loud and clear.

(ELECTRONIC WARBLING)

Hector Gutierrez, Department of
Occupational Safety and Health.

Officer Barnes, you
are under arrest.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL) (GRUNTING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

What are you doing?
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(HORN BLOWING) ANNOUNCER
1: Five minutes down.

There is the horn signifying
the end of round one.

ANNOUNCER 2: This crowd
is not happy, Jon.

All right, very exciting stuff,

but we are now thrilled to be
joined in the broadcast booth

by one of the most vicious
bare-knuckle brawlers

from the first season of WWFC,

Dan "The Bloody Widowmaker"
Daly. Welcome, Dan.

It's weird.

I, uh... I left my wife at home
and she was wearing makeup.

Said she didn't have any plans.

What do you think that's about?

I don't know. Me, neither.

And of course, none of
this would be possible

without tonight's sponsor,

EdenTech's Richard Cane.

(APPLAUSE)

The boys in the lab loaned
me these special earplugs.

They block digital frequency.

So if that bomb does go
off, we're protected.

Nice work.

Now, where's Cane?

Cane is in the sky box.

And what about backup?
There is no backup.

What? You're wanted for murder.

But Gustafson confessed.

We coerced him.

Haven't you ever heard
of the Miranda rights?

What? I'm pretty sure
it's Carrie that writes.

Miranda is a lawyer.

Charlotte's an art dealer.
And Samantha's a whore.

What? What is it?

I've been trying to call Beth
for hours. She's not picking up.

I just hope she's okay.

EMCEE: Live...

from scary downtown Los Angeles,

this is the main
event of the evening!

(EMCEE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

Hmm. (PEELING)

Yeah.

GUARD: Sir? Yes?

Oh! Please.

Can I help you?

Remember me?

Well, hello, Miss Cherry Roosevelt
Fat Bozo Chowing Spaghetti.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) I, uh,

love your new look.
BETH: Thank you.

Please. Join me.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen!

It's...

time! (CROWD CHEERING)

Check, check. I'm on
my way to the balls.

Okay, Frank, comms working.

I'm in position.
We have 25 minutes.

Hey, one beer, please.

We're closed.

Man, come on. One beer's
not gonna kill you.

One beer. (LIQUID POURS)

Get lost.

How much?

It's free. Just get the
hell out of here. (GASPS)

FRANK: (OVER COMMS) Ed, do you
hear me? I can hear you, Frank.

Uh-oh. I think one of Cane's goons
is up there. FRANK: Come in, Ed.

Frank, can you hear me?
FRANK: Check, check.

Somebody's up there, Frank!
A guy is up there, Frank!

Oh, God! (SCREAMS)

What's that, Ed? ED: Oh.

Uh, never mind.

Gentlemen, we've been over
the rules in the back.

I expect you to fight clean,
fight hard, fight fair.

All right, the tension in
this arena is palpable.

The moment of truth
is here, folks.

Straight to voicemail.
I'll bet she's with Gary.

Let me use your phone. She
won't know your number.

You ready? Let's get it on!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah! Let's go! (CHUCKLES)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS) God, I love this.

Come on! (LAUGHS)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

CANE: Wunderbar!

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

(GUN CLICKS)

(GUN CLICKING)

Read any good books
lately, Miss "Spaghetti"?

Or should I say, Miss Davenport?

I especially like the part
where the erudite housewife

transforms herself into a
would-be assassin seeking revenge,

hiding a... (GRUNTS)

...gun...

in her garter belt.

And another... (GASPS)

...in the small of her back.

And a...

shotgun... (RATTLING)

...in her beautiful...

brunette wig.

Tie her up.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Ed... I'm at the balls.

I'm gonna look for the
device. (CHEERING IN DISTANCE)

ED: Nice work, Frank.

MAN: Hey, you got free beer?

No, there's not free...

Oh, boy.

It's got to be in
here somewhere.

(GRUNTS)

(CLICKS) (ELECTRICAL HUMMING)

FRANK: Ed, come in.

Go on, take it and go.

Uh, Frank, can you hear me?

ANNOUNCER 2: Coker lands a
brutal knee to the chest!

FRANK: I think I see it, Ed.

(GRUNTS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right, it looks as though we're
having some technical difficulties

with the New Year's Eve ball.

I can't quite reach.

Uh. (CREAKING)

ANNOUNCER 2: Look at this!

The pants are off!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

What the hell is going on?

DAN: All right. I
believe the TV networks

have blurred what's
happening here.

So for those of you back home,
I will try to paint a picture.

The legs themselves
are pale and white,

sprinkled with
cinnamon soft hair.

Now turning our
gaze to the middle,

where we find something
quite magnificent.

The main event, if you will.

A grand bratwurst,

fit for the Imperial Court
of the Kaiser himself.

Or maybe a loaf of unbaked bread

wearing an afro wig.

(RATTLES) (GRUNTS) I
got it. I got it, Ed.

(OVER SCREEN) Okay,
I'm gonna get out.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Drebin.

All right, get security
down there now!

Nothing to see here, folks!

Police business.
Please, carry on.

All right, buddy, time to go.

FRANK: (ON MIC) Now
listen to me good.

My name is Frank Drebin.
From Police Squad.

Drebin!

FRANK: This event is now over.

Everyone vacate the
premises immediately.

(CROWD BOOING) Now!

Okay, playtime's
over. Give me the mic.

Don't take another
step, buddy! That's it.

ANNOUNCER 2: Oh!

Buffer goes down! (CHEERING)

You like watching a
real man kick ass?

(CHEERING)

Oh!

ED: (OVER COMMS) Frank, get the hell
out of there! You've got company!

All right. Goodbye,
everyone. Uh...

Have a good night.

All right, you,
you, come with me.

Tell everybody to put in
their frequency plugs.

And her, too.

We don't want her going
crazy in here, do we?

ED: What do you see, Frank?

The device has
some lights on it.

Various holes. Weighs about...

two-and-a-half chili dogs.

It's got some sort of timer
on it synced up to midnight.

CANE: Hello, Detective.

Easy now. Let's have
it. (GUN CLICKS)

Stop right there.

Don't do it. Make one more move,

and I'll blow its freaking computer
brains all over this floor!

CANE: Think about it, Drebin.

Everything I'm doing
is for guys like us.

Guys like us? Yes.

Powerful, righteous men,
who actually give a damn.

Come on, Frank,

you said it yourself, "The
world was better before."

(CLICKS) (DEVICE BEEPS)

What have you done?

(BEEPS) (CHUCKLES)

(PULSES)

(BANGING) (MAN SCREAMING)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES) (GRUNTING)

(BLOWS LANDING)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING) Whoa! Ah!

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING, GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Ahh.

Get out! Shh! Quiet!

"Four wheels move the body,
two wheels move the soul."

ALL: All right. It's a
famous quote I got from...

Quotes.com.

HENCHMAN: Hey, boss! Yeah.

What do you want
me to do with her?

Leave her here. She'll
be dead by morning.

(GASPS) You fellas know
how to ride, right?

Let's do it! Yeah!

(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)

WOMAN: Hold on.
(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GROANING)

(SHOUTS) (CRASHES)

WOMAN: Whoa! Whoopsie.
Go, go, go. No!

(SHOUTING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Look at this!

(LAUGHS) (CRASHES)

(BEEPS)

(BEEPING)

(BEEPS)

(LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Ahh!

Stay back! I don't
want to hurt you.

(SHOUTING) (FERGALICIOUS
BY FERGIE PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(SHOUTS, YELPS)

(MAGAZINE DROPS,
KICKS) (SCREAMS)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

(SHOUTS, GRUNTS)

(GROANS, GRUNTS)
(MAGAZINE CLICKS)

To the bunker,
gentlemen! (EVIL LAUGH)

(TEETH CRACKING)

FERGIE: ♪ Hold, hold,
hold Hold, hold up!

♪ Check it out

(SQUELCHING) (GROANS)

(GROANS, SCREAMS)

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

♪ I'm the F to the
E-R-G The I, the E

Whoa! (GRUNTING)

♪ And can't no other
lady Put it down like me

♪ I'm fergalicious ♪

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

FRANK: Come on.
Come on. Come on.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)

Daddy?

(SQUAWKS)

Help me, Daddy. What do we do?

(CANE LAUGHS)

Come on! Weird Al's
waiting! (CHUCKLES)

(OWL SQUAWKS)

Whoo-hoo! Just like old times.

(SQUAWKS)

Come on!

Let me get this guy first.

(GROANS)

Got him! Okay, this
guy on the right.

(GRUNTS)

Ew. (CAWS)

Come on, Daddy,
enough playing around.

Oh, thanks.

That's him! A little lower.

(OWL HOOTS)

Okay, here.

You've got a clear shot.

Take it!

(SCREECHES, FARTS) Ahh!

Whoa! That was so much!

You still got it, Daddy. (CAWS)

(GRUNTS)

(SHOUTING)

(YELPING)

Thank you, Daddy!

(OWL SCREECHING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

You see what you've done, Cane?

It's not too late to
stop this madness!

This isn't madness, Drebin.

This is progress!

MAN: Progress?

The needs of the few should never
outweigh the needs of the many.

There was a time
when you knew that.

So it's come to this.

The culmination of our journey.

All this... this stuff
that's taken place

between you and me!
(TOILET FLUSHES)

This, uh... Thanks,
Dave. I got it from here.

I'm so sorry. I messed up
the lines a little bit.

No problem. You did great. Yeah.

See you Sunday? See you Sunday.

(GRUFFLY) Okay, Cane!

DAVE: Please, no! Get off me!

Stop! I'm not even
in this movie!

Somebody!

Anyway, look at us!
Isn't this beautiful?

Exactly as nature intended.

Two great Kodiak bears,
facing one another

in an epic battle for dominance.

If it's a fight you
want... very well.

(GROWLS) (GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

(BLOW LANDS) (GROANS)

Oh! Ow!

You hit my belly! You hit
the soft part of my belly!

What the hell?

Have you ever actually
been in a fight before?

Uh, yeah! I have.

Oh, my God. I think
I'm gonna barf.

Is that normal?

Do you want to keep fighting?

What? No!

My tummy still hurts a lot!

Well, in that case... (GROANS)

...I'm gonna arrest you.

You can't arrest me. You
still didn't catch me.

There's nowhere to run!

I won't be running.
(METALLIC CLINKING)

I'll be flying.

(WHIRRING)

(SHOUTS, CACKLES)

(GROANS)

Richard Cane...

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

...you're under arrest.

(CUFFS CLANKING)

(BIKE BELL DINGS)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING GRIMLY)

He won't be hurting
anyone anymore.

It's over.

Not for me, it isn't.

No. Please.

Think about this, Beth.

Killing him won't fix anything.

Why should I let him live?

It won't bring Simon back.

You don't know that for sure.

You're right.
Anything is possible.

But you have to let the
justice system do its job.

That's rich, coming from you.

The truth is, Beth,

once you kill a man for
revenge, there's no going back.

It stays with you forever,
following you like a shadow.

A voice in your head
saying over and over,

"Man, that was awesome!"

So, put the gun down.

If not for me, then for us.

For our future together.

I love you, Beth.

Don't throw it all away
for a few seconds of...

the best feeling you would
ever have in your life.

(CRIES)

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

Go ahead.

Do it.

(ONE TIME BY ENYA PLAYING)

♪ Who can say Where
the road goes?

I love you. I love you.

(LAUGHING)

♪ Only time

Ronald, wake up!

(GASPS) You got the promotion!

Oh!

Bring it in. (CHUCKLES)

♪ As your heart chose? Only time

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Not bad for a stubborn old fool.

I guess old men really are the
toughest, smartest, most capable,

sexiest beings on the planet.

Oh, Frank,

you've made me a
very happy woman.

Me, too.

♪ Only time

♪ And who can say
Why your heart cries

♪ When your love
lies? Only time ♪

(OWL CAWING)

(SONG FADES)

(CAWS)

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING)

CHIEF DAVIS: As a result of
Lieutenant Frank Drebin's

heroic work on New Year's Eve,

I am happy to announce
that Police Squad is back

with a renewed commitment to
accountability and justice.

And in that spirit,
we will not ignore

Lieutenant Drebin's
questionable actions

on the days leading
up to the event.

And right now, Frank Drebin

is being subject to a rigorous and
thorough internal investigation.

Thank you.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(BABY WANTS TO ROCK
BY MONDO ROCK PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(SHRIEKS)

SINGER: ♪ Baby wants to rock ♪

Oh!

(PLAYING STEEL DRUMS)

Well, Beth, here's to us.

To us. (GLASS CLINKS)

(THE NAKED GUN FROM THE FILES
OF THE POLICE SQUAD PLAYING)

What is happening? What?

This is strange.

Come on.

Taylor?

Are you all right?

BETH: What's happening,
Frank? I'm scared.

Okay, honey. We'll get
to the bottom of this.

Oh, God.

Wake up, you piece of shit!

FRANK: Keep it together.

Wait a second. What is this?

Do you hear that music? Yeah.

(MUFFLED GURGLING)

Who the heck are you people?

Have you been watching
us this whole time?

You've seen me in shorts?

Step back, honey, please.

(GLASS BREAKING) FRANK: Ow!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILS) Yo! Cops!

(PINS RATTLE)

(SIREN CONTINUES WAILING)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Whoa!

(SIREN WAILS)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(MY SWEET BETH BY
FRANK DREBIN PLAYING)

FRANK: This goes out
to a very special lady.

♪ Beth

♪ You are The love of my life

♪ I want to make you my wife

♪ Sweet Beth

♪ You opened my heart up

♪ To loving again...

You did that.

You know what, I've
never really been

in a professional
recording studio before.

What does this do?

(DRUMBEAT PLAYS) FRANK: Oh,

that... that's nice.

That's got a good
sound to it, huh?

No, no, no. I don't need
to touch it. That's fine.

♪ Beth

♪ Oh

♪ Top-shelf curves

♪ And brains to boot

♪ And boots that would top
my brain's Top Ten list...

♪ Aboot boots...

♪ And the curvy brains
That bought them

♪ Also breasts

♪ My sweet Beth

♪ When I first saw
you In my office

♪ I kept thinking
About your body

♪ 'Cause I didn't
yet know Your mind

♪ I don't mind

♪ My sweet Beth

(DRUMBEAT PLAYS)

It is just fun to
play those things.

Do you mind if I... I
pick up this guitar?

I always wished I knew how to do
it. (PLAYING ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO)

FRANK: Hey!

Ah, here we go.

You know, it's
surprisingly easy.

(GUITAR SOLO CONTINUES)

FRANK: Ow! It kind of
hurts your fingertips.

No one tells you
about that part.

♪ My sweet Beth ♪

Thank you, Beth, for
opening up my heart...

to love again.

(PIANO MUSIC SWELLS)

(DRUMBEAT PLAYING)

FRANK: I just had to
get one more. (GIGGLES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: Everyone,
put your hands together

for the world's last
living entertainer,

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

How's everybody doing tonight?

Hello?

Anybody here?

Cane?

Evil billionaires?

Crab-hands guy?

Oh, what the heck?