Original subtitles

[ eerie snorting]

[ lasers firing]

PHIL: Watch it!

A flindor at 9:00!

Slaughter him, Lil!

Feel lucky, flindor?

History!

Excellent spillage, Lil.

[ groaning]

Hyperspace, Phil!

[ laser firing]

[ electronic fanfare plays]

MONSTER: Monsters are munch!

You munch me,

I munch back.

[ blows landing, explosion]

Yeah! Never stood a chance.

Aw, geez, we got to get going.

Come on, twins.

Hey, shake a leg, you two.

[ grunting]

BOY: ♪ Four, three, two one!

[ rock music plays]

♪ Every birthday, my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another older, another year wiser ♪

♪ But I still go to school, to get an education ♪

♪ I take each and every day, like a mini vacation ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪♪ With you

♪ All grown up with... you!

Captioning sponsored by U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON

WOMAN [ on P.A.]: Salutations, beloved students.

Would the person who wrote: "Kate loves Pangborn"

on the gymnasium wall, please erase it immediately?

Sorry.

No problem.

Oh, if ain't the bookends.

[ blowing]

$5.83 for you two.

We'll be paying separately.

I have my ownmoney.

Uh, me, too.

Just not today.

[ groans]

Thanks.

I'll pay you back as soon as that

"no allowance for a month" thing is over.

How was I supposed to know Kimi's great aunt

was in that vase?

They should label that stuff.

GIRL: Hey, Lil!

Over here!

Catch up to you later.

[ sniffing]

Liverwurst.

[ sniffing]: Olives.

[ sniffing]: Peanut butter and cucumber pie.

No!

[ sniffing]: Cake.

With a hint of red licorice.

No, no... black.

How do you do that?

It's like you have a third nostril.

[ sniffs]

Hey, Phil.

[ sniffs]: Went with the spaghetti, huh?

Whatever.

Hey, where's Lil?

Over there.

She'll "catch up" later.

[ slurping]

Did I tell you about my party this Friday?

It's boy-girl,

but only the cool ones.

And we decided we kind of like you.

So, want to come?

Sure!

Don't forget to tell her about you know who.

Who?

Your brother.

No offense, but he's, like, S.I.

As in "Socially Inept."

Um, not to mention a little hygenically challenged.

[ sniffing]

Definitely fish taco.

[ boys laughing]I don't think so.

I can't believe Lil missed it.

GIRL: For twins, you guys are super different.

In a good way.

[ slurping]

In a really good way.

So Lil, there's no chance your brother would, like,

crash my party, right?

No way!

Phil totally respects my boundaries.

Lil! You'll never believe it!

Dil sniffed my armpit and thought it was fish!

Ew! Ew!

[ slurping]

That's gross, dude.

[ bell ringing]What?

Later.

No, Brett, stay.

You guys don't have...

Like we said, S.I.

You are so socially inept!

You used to love to play "What's My Smell?"

Like a gazillion years ago!

Don't you mean "like a quadrajillion"?

Come on! You're supposed to say

"megakatrillion years ago."

I am not playing that dumb game.

You never thought it was dumb before.

Philip, just grow up!

So what, you're saying I'm immature?

Weird-o-rama!

It's Corinthian leather,

but it smells like egg salad.

That is soimmature!

[ sniffing]

Cat butt. Duh!

[ sniffing]

Mm. Yeah.

[ hissing and rattling]

She's going to blow!

[ explosion booms][ barks]

Chazzy, I am clearly off my game.

CHAS [ strained]: But on my pelvic bone.

My vacation isn't coming a minute too soon.

Nick and Dick's Twin Canyons Resort is calling my name.

Aren't you tired of that place yet?

Are you off your bean?

Bring twins, get in free.

You do the math.

And I'm telling you, Chas,

it's the lap of luxury times two.

For us, vacation and Twin Canyons go together like,

well, Phil and Lil.

[ machine whistling]

COACH: And remember, gentlemen, day two of the mandatory

President's Physical Fitness Test is tomorrow!

Pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups!

I want our school to kick this test's butt

and knock it to the mat! Slay me!

This test is stupid and humiliating.

I can't even do the simplest rope climb.

Chuckie, you made it almost to the top.

Only 'cause Pangborn pushed me halfway up.

Come on, ladies!

Climb, climb, climb, climb, climb!

How come the president doesn't ask me to do an equation

or make a diorama?

Come on, Chuckie. It's just a test.

No biggie.

Hugie!

It'll be completely embarrassing,

like Phys Ed always is.

And tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that.

Oh, I am tired of being the uncoordinated disaster!

Ah, stop, Chuckie.

You're exaggerat...

[ screaming]

Come on, ladi...

[ all grunting]

Okay, maybe a little uncoordinated.

[ bell ringing]

Morning.

Sit down.

On your chairs this time.

Now, please ignore my mumbling

as I write some topics on the board.

Enjoy my back.

So, Friday night's going to be prime.

Yeah. I can't wait.

Hey, you think you'd want to... oh!

"There's something hanging

"from your left nostril.

The Snot Sergeant."

Oh, man.

PHIL: Pick me a winner, Brett.

Philip!

So, you want to play

Alien Eliminator after school?

Get away from me now!

I'll take that as a "maybe."

Okay, a "no."

Wunderbar.

Okay, it's time now

for everyone's favorite annual event: science projects.

[ all groaning]

And everyone gets a partner.

Brett and Brittany.

Howdy, partners.

Next, the dynamic duo

Phil and Lil.

[ groans]

Maybe you two should do the double helix project.

Get it? Twins? Double?

Please hold your applause.

[ thudding]Why are we partners

on every project?

It's always Phil and Lil this...

Phil and Lil that.

Newsflash: We're not two heads on one body!

We are two separate people

who just happen to live in the same house.

He's Phil and I'm Lil.

Two names separated by the word "and."

I'm a thinking, breathing

independent individual

and he's... Phil!

From now on, think about me without Phil.

Okay?!

Okay?!

[ laughing]

Uh-huh.

No way!

You really said that?

Could you get off the phone?

So anyway, what are you going to wear?

Lil!

Let me call you back.

What do you want?!

I want to know how long you'll be vacationing

on the planet Mondo Weirdo.

I'm not being mondo weird!

Yes, you are!

You go a planey thing, you're yelling at me,

and you're freaking out in front of everyone at school.

Tell me this phase is almost over!

First of all, I am sorry if I embarrassed you

but I meant what I said!

Second of all, this isn't a phase!

This is real life!

I am not doing this twin thing anymore, little brother!

Little brother?! [ laughs]

Give me a break!

So you're two minutes older!

Do you know what that is in girl years?

Now, do you mind?!

Okay, twinnies, it's that time of year

you choose which matching outfit

you'll be wearing to Twin Canyons.

They are our free ticket in.

[ laughing]

They just opened

the Vomit-nator Three!

Uh, which your father will enjoy

from a safe distance.

I can't wear those clothes!

Aw, geez, it was a two-for-one sale.

I am not wearing any clothes there.

But, Lil, it's not a nudie place.

It's Twins Canyon.

[ Lil groans]

Twins this, twins that.

Phil and Lil.

It's never even Lil and Phil.

There's too much "we,"

not enough "me"!

I am not wearing anything to that place

because I am not going!

[ all gasping]

You guys, you think it's possible to get shin splints

in your shoulders?

Tommy, you're not listening.

One minute, we're twins and everything's fine.

And the next minute it's "me," not "we."

I mean, what's up with that?

Maybe an evil prehistoric mother worm

laid its eggs in Lil's brain.

Hey, sweat-heads.

Hey, how come you weren't in gym, Chuckie?

I was exercising my right to say no to the president

and his stupid test.

I made a statement by refusing to show up.

Chuckie Finster skipped a class? [ gasping]

Actually, I was hanging out in the nurse's office.

You call pretending you're sick

"making a statement"?

Chuckie, this test is important.

Maybe to you.

It's like all that stuff

we sweated over our whole lives.

Remember in third grade,

the book report in a macaroni box we did?

Well, guess what?

Landfill, Tommy! Landfill!

Or the fourth grade state capitol test?

Oshkosh, Trenton, Timbuktu?

Who cares?!

It's like the "e before i" thing.

Like I'm ever going to use that.

You could get in serious trouble.

So what?

I've been humiliated year after year,

and now my suffering's over!

Today, I'm taking a stand

for coordinatedly challenged kids everywhere!

And tomorrow?

Tommy, don't ruin my moment.

HOWARD: How about one twin, half-price?

One twin holding a picture of the other twin?

[ woman speaking gibberish over phone]

One twin dressed as both twins?

Just because one twin wants to assert her independence

and doesn't want to come

doesn't mean she doesn't exist!

And besides, that leaves an open seat on the Vomit-nator Three!

[ woman speaking gibberish]

Well, tough sticky buns to you, too!

Geez!

This is awful.

I know.

We either have to have another set of twins,

or actually pay for a vacation.

No, Howie, we got a bigger problem than a lost vacation.

Our little Lil's unhappy.

Right.

She wants to be treated like her own person,

and that's fair.

Although I am going to miss seeing you

on the Teacups of Torture.

Hey, Diane. What's up?

Oh, hi, Brett. How you doing?

[ in deep voice]: I'm doing pretty good.

[ yells]

Yeah, I get that a lot.

What's up?

Look, pup, here it is in a nutshell.

Your father and I hate seeing you unhappy.

And we want to apologize

for treating you and Philly

like a single package all these years.

You got to cut us some slack.

You two came into our world at the same time.

Oneof us came

two minutes earlier,

thank you very much.

And that same one is growing up a little faster.

So, lay it on me.

What can your father and I do to make you,

Lillian Marie Jill DeVille, feel

like you have your own identity, huh?

Hmm...

[ electronic beeping]

COMPUTER VOICE: You have been vaporized.

[ laughing]

Anyone here want to be my copilot?

DIL: Reporting for duty, sir.

Okay. Anyone else want to be my copilot?

I've been thinking, Phil,

and it seems like we have the same problem.

We're both suddenly twinless.

Uh, Dil, you've never beena twin.

Exactly.

It's one more thing I can check off my to-do list.

Sure, I've never twinned before, but what the heck?

Plus, it works out.

You need a Lil, and I'm a Dil.

FYI, banana head, I still haveLil.

But she bailed.

I can be a better twin.

You know, more hands-on.

[ cartoonish music plays]

[ lasers firing]

[ laughing]

COMPUTER VOICE: You have been vaporized.

We could do this all day, huh, twinnie?

Uh... what's going on?

I'm moving out.

What?!

Mom and Dad said I can move into

the office-slash- workout room.

I'll miss that room.

So, you're just going to leave me here by myself?

Wasn't anyone even going to tellme?

Oh, boy.

Twin problems come in twos.

Calm down, Philly.

All this happened kind of fast.

Now, Lil gets her own room, but think about it.

So do you!

And the computer stays here.

And now you got room for that basketball hoop you wanted.

And you can paint the place

any color you feel like.

Except tangerine,

'cause it makes your father wig out.

It's not like you lost her.

She's just down the hall.

[ crash]

HOWARD:Ow!

Snap out of it, Howie.

Setting up my "Thigh-o-nara" machine is a lot harder

than plugging in your calculator.

DIL: Hey, brother! Let's get busy.

Okay. Ready?

Who am I?

I don't look like that,

and I don't walk like that.

Hey, who knows better than your twin, huh?

So, I thought we could bond

over some before-school spitting.

Uh, that's kind of mine and Lil's thing.

[ school bell rings]

She's a champ.

She once hocked it

across the street.

Fine!

We won't spit.

But hey!

It's time for... shirts.

Say, "twins."

[ bell rings]

So, where you hiding out today?

Janitor's closet?

No, I told you.

I am publicly refusing to take that test.

PANGBORN: Come on, ladies.

Uh-oh. Here comes Pangborn.

I'll be hiding in the bathroom.

[ groans]

I know what you're thinking,

'cause I got that twin ESP thing going.

Yeah, what am I thinking?

That this twin thing is working!

Meet me up top!

Dil, we got to slow the twin thing down.

It's not like you're not trying.

I mean, that mashed potato sculpture

of us arm in arm was pretty cool.

I hated to eat it.

You ate the sculpture?

But I saved the ears.

They're in the freezer.

Say no more.

In the world of twins,

when you eat the potato sculpture,

you've said good-bye.

Oh, I guess you're right.

It's okay.

I understand.

It's time for me to move on.

Somewhere out there are real twins

yearning to make me their triplet.

[ drum roll, military-style march playing]

Yes!

[ whistle blows]

PANGBORN: Line up!

Ladies, come on, come on, come on!

[ grunts]

Where's Finster?

[ yells]

Uh, when you say "Finster,"

do you mean Elliot Finster,

Fritzey Finster

o-or four- fingered Finster,

or...?

Can it, Pickles.

Ha, or should I say, "jar it"?!

Ha-ha-ha.

Good joke, sir.

Never heard that one before.

[ flushes]

[ moans]

Help!

So, my outfit for the party's all set.

Finster!

It's hanging in my room.

Did I tell you I got my own room?

Way to go, girl.

Finster?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[ grunting]

Help!

I never thought it would end like this.

I wonder what they'll say about me in the school paper.

I wonder what picture they'll use.

I hope it's one from before I got my braces.

Oh, look, a shark.

A shark?!

[ yells]

Finster, what happened?

What are you doing in here?

Drowning, sir?

Oh, and not taking the test.

Course you're not. I can see that.

I also can see some of the best

contorting and physicality since...

since I wrestled the Boise Bloodletter in '88.

Oh, heck of a match.

Uh, Mr. Pangborn, could you help me?

Oh, right.

You held it for, like, over an hour?

That's amazing, Chuckie.

Yep, and I think by tomorrow,

I'll be able to put my arms down.

What you did was probably harder

than the whole President's fitness test.

Well, Finster, take a day for your arms to feel better.

Thanks, Mr. Pangborn.

I'll just plan on you starting the test tomorrow.

[ shudders]

[ sighs]

[ doorbell rings]

HOWARD: Lil, someone's here for you.

Hey, girlfriend.

You look awesome.

Thanks. You, too. Let's hit it.

Well, I, too, think you both look,

uh, awesome, and-and rad.

We got some really cool posters and a model!

Well, we're going to the party. Bye.

Don't shoot punch out of your nose!

[ chuckles]

Have fun. Call if you need us.

Worried?

Nah, she's growing up just fine.

[ dance music plays]

[ indistinct voices]

Great party, Diane.

Thanks.

I opened all the bags of chips myself.

What a workout!

[ laughs]

You're funny.

I'm so glad I invited you.

Yeah, me, too.

All the rightkids are here.

Yeah, no lame-brains or dorks.

Oh, where is your brother tonight?

Uh... not here!

[ laughing]

He really isa boob, isn't he?

My vote is for immature slob!

Are you talking about Phil?

He's, like, totally obnoxious in class.

Not allthe time.

Don't forget gross and smelly.

This is fun.

And he's really goofy-looking.

It's not like I'm standing up for him,

but it's sometimes fun to be gross.

And you know, Phil and I are twins,

so if you think he's goofy-looking,

then I guess you think Iam, too.

No.

No way.

We weren't saying that.

It's not like you don't know all this, right?

Phil iskind of a jerk.

Hey!

I can say he's a jerk or a slob or gross,

but you guys can't!

You don't really know him.

He can actually be cool sometimes and really fun

and funny and-and loyal...

BRETT: Sorry!

We didn't mean to...

The twin thing

is a really strong bond and kind of magnetic.

Like, I can feel it right now.

Great party. Thanks. Gotta go.

[ knocks]

Hey.

Hey.

What are youdoing back?

I just felt like coming home.

You okay?

Yes, Dr. Lil. I'm fine.

Kind of doing my own thing, you know.

Being me,not we.

I just wanted to tell you

that, um...

you will always be my twin.

I just needed my space.

And now, we both got some.

So, everything's cool with us?

Yeah.

Good. 'Cause we're going to need each other

to get into Twin Canyon.

Yeah!

Now, get outta my room!

Ew! Gross!

LIL: Here we are on our oh-so-glorious vacation

in our totally happening outfits.

Huh, would have looked better on me.

Oh, oh, oh!

This section's called

"Howard Hurls."

He shoots!

[ retches]

He scores.

That's nothing.

Check this out.

[ retches]

The Vomit-nator delivered.

Meanwhile, I was doing

what you're supposed to do

on vacation-- absolutely nothing.

It's, like, what she does best.

We promised our parents we'd do

one activity together.

Is this going to be some girl thing

I'm going to really hate?

You'll see!

It turned out to be pretty cool.

See, Phil?

I know what you like.

Oh, and you don't?

Well... some habits are hard to break.

[ both laughing]

Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and NICKELODEON

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org