Original subtitles

- Oh, dear. - What 's the matter, honey?

- I completely forgot about your bowling

and I made it with the Matthews for Bridge tonight.

- Oh, fine!

- Oh, Henry, I'm sorry.

But it would be a little awkward to call

now and cancel the game.

- You'll have to get out it somehow, though, huh, Mom?

- Ah, no problem.

I'll-- I'll just all and cancel the bowling.

- Are you sure you don't mind?

- Anything for you, honey.

- But you like to bowl, Dad.

It's a big deal every week!

- Not if it's going to embarrass your mother.

- I'll make it up to you, Henry.

We'll have liver and onions for dinner tonight.

- Liver and onions?

But you can't stand liver and onions, Mom.

You don't even like to cook 'em.

- Your father likes it.

- Hey, how come you both give in so easy?

- Well, you see it's like this, son.

Your mother and I love each other.

And when you love someone, giving into their wishes

is part of it.

- Do you mean, love makes you do things you don't want to?

- Well, let's just say it makes you glad to do them.

- Boy, I'm getting so I can understand arithmetic,

but love is real tough to understand.

- I imagine you'll be learning quite a bit about love

in the next few years.

- Maybe I better start learning about it right now.

Like our Scout motto says, "Be prepared."

- Good idea.

- We've already learned what to do for snake bites and poison

ivy and sprained ankles, but love sounds worse.

I better really get prepared for that.

[theme music]

- I know you're busy, Mr. Wilson, so I won't stay long.

- We're always glad to see you, Dennis.

Have a chocolate.

- Gosh, thanks.

Uh, all I wanted to do is ask you one question.

Do you and Mrs. Wilson love each other?

- Well, of course we do.

What, uh, brought that on?

- Well, Mom and Dad say I'm gonna have to be in love some day.

And I want to learn about it ahead of time.

You know, like learning to swim, in case you fall overboard.

- Well, I guess it is something like that, Dennis.

Of course, Mrs. Wilson and I don't

consider ourselves authorities.

But we have had many happy years of experiences.

- Why does love make you happy?

What does it do to ya?

- Well, being together makes you happy.

It's a very-- well, a very warm feelings.

- Jeepers!

When I want a warm feeling, I just

put more blankets on my bed.

- Well, Dennis, I think you're a little young to understand

the finer points of love, but I do recommend it highly.

- Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

I'm not sure I'll like it, but I'm glad you do.

Bye, Mrs. Wilson.

- Goodbye, dear.

- Bye.

- Bye, Dennis. [door opens and closes]

- Now what do you suppose got him started on the subject of love?

- Heaven knows.

All I can say is, when he's old enough,

I hope he's as lucky as I am.

- Have I really made you happy, John?

- You know you have.

You're still the same sweet girl I married.

- Thank you, dear.

Well, not exactly the same.

Those, uh, chocolate creams have added a pound here and there.

- I hoped you wouldn't notice.

I don't mind.

Gives me that much more to love.

Oh, confound it!

- What's the matter?

- Well, I have a clipping that I want

to use in the article I'm writing and I can't find it.

- Well, no wonder.

Your desk bulges like a bag full of laundry.

- Maybe it's in this drawer, here.

- Oh, dear, you haven't changed a bit since we were married.

You still litter up the whole house with every piece of paper

you get your hands on.

- Well, they're mostly copies of things that I've written.

You never know when they'll come in handy.

- The Administration of Calvin Coolidge.

Ooh, you may need that one, any day now.

- All right. All right.

I'll admit it.

I'm a pack rat.

- But you're such a lovable one.

- Mmm. Ha, ha.

Well, I'm not too old to change.

I'm going to start right now, and clean up

this whole ugly mess.

- Now, dear, I was only joking.

- Well, I know you were, sweetheart.

But it's time I reformed.

I'll start cleaning up right now.

And I'll begin with this valuable thesis on Coolidge.

Alas, poor Calvin, I knew him well.

- And they keep saying how great love is, Tommy.

But what's so great about it?

- Beats me.

Far as I'm concerned, love's pretty silly.

- Far as me, too.

- Yeah, like this girl cousin of mine.

She got married.

And when you get married, that's big love.

- Yeah, that means it's really got ya.

- Well, I went to this wedding, and everybody there

cried all through it.

- Jeepers!

- Well, love can't be much, if it makes

you cry all over the place.

- I don't think it'll ever take place of baseball.

Hey, Pete! Watch out!

- Oh, hi, kids.

I didn't see ya.

I was looking at her.

- That's Susie Walker.

She moved in next door to me, a couple weeks ago.

- Boy, I should get such a lucky break.

- I don't think it's so lucky.

If it was a boy, I'd have somebody to play with.

But what can you do with a girl?

- Boy, you are young.

- Me and Tommy have been talking about love, Pete.

Are you in love with this girl?

- Yeah, but she won't even look at me.

I sure wish I could get her to go steady.

- Why don't you ask her?

- Aw, I couldn't do that.

You can't ask a girl to go steady

when you haven't even met her yet.

- Asking is the only way to get things.

If I didn't ask Mom and Dad for some ice cream when I want it,

I'd just go around with my tongue hanging out.

- This is different.

You've never been in love, so you don't understand.

- I don't understand anything about love.

You want her to be your girl, but you won't ask her.

Boy, is that mixed up!

- Hey, Dennis, look!

Mr. Wilson's bringing out some trash that we might use.

- Yeah, come on!

Let's go look at it!

- Maybe he's right.

Maybe I ought to just go ask her.

- Hi, Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, hello, boys.

I, uh, I doubt that you'll find anything useful in there, boys.

That's, uh, just waste paper.

- Can we look anyhow?

- Help yourself.

Just don't scatter it around. - We'll be careful, Mr. Wilson.

- Hey, here's something that says "Income Tax Return, 1958."

- Yeah with a lot of figures on it.

Do you know what they mean?

- No.

When my dad does his income tax, he makes me leave the room.

He says I might hear some words I shouldn't know.

Hey, here's something that looks pretty, a bunch of old letters.

- Whose are they?

- "Dearest Darling Babykins."

Do you know anybody named Babykins?

- Nope.

- "Last night, as I gazed into the heavens,

I seemed to see your face shining there--

the fairest star of all."

- Who wrote that junk? - I don't know.

It's signed, "Your own adoring one."

Hey, you know what, Tommy?

I bet this is a love letter from Mr. Wilson to Mrs. Wilson.

- Sure sounds mushy enough.

Hey, look!

- Tommy, I've got an idea.

We want to learn about love, don't we?

- You do, not me.

- You want to learn about it, too.

Our folks say, as soon as we get a little older,

we're gonna fall in it, for sure.

Don't you what to know what its going

to do to you before it does it?

- I guess so.

What's your idea?

- Well, look, Pete Owens is in love

with that girl who lives next door to you.

- Susie Walker.

- And he wants her to love him, but he won't ask her.

- Right.

So?

- So I'll just print Pete's name on the bottom of this letter,

and we'll put it in her mailbox.

- Good thinking.

- We can learn a lot from this, Tommy.

- I thought you'd never get up the nerve to ask me.

- I was afraid you'd turn me down.

Did you really want me to ask you?

- Of course, silly.

You're one of the cutest boys I've seen in this town.

- We'll go steady, now, huh?

- That's great with me.

- I got to go do some chores for my old man,

but how about meeting me back here in a couple of hours?

- I'll be counting the minutes.

- Count fast.

Maybe they'll go quicker.

- That ought to do it.

- Yeah.

Poor Pete's a dead duck.

- He'll sure be surprised when Susie Walker tells him

she loves him. Hey, come on.

Let's go back and look through Mr. Wilson's trash

barrel some more.

- I got to go home and see if there's

anything my mom wants me to do, first.

I'll catch up to you later.

- OK.

- Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

- Oh, hello, Dennis.

- You know what I just did?

I just fixed it up for a girl to fall in love with Pete Owens,

so I could watch and see what happens to 'em.

- Still doing your research, are you?

- Yes, ma'am.

And Mr. Wilson was a big help.

I used one of his old love letters.

- Love letters?

What love letters.

- The ones he threw out this morning.

- Oh, Dennis, you must be mistaken.

- No ma'am.

The rest of 'em are still in there.

See?

[gasp]

- Oh, I-- I can't believe it!

I--

- But it's true Mrs. Wilson.

I found 'em-- Mrs. Wilson.

Mrs. Wilson. Mrs. Wilson!

- Da-doo doo-doo, da-doo, doo, ba-boom a-doo-doo.

- Well, here goes another load.

- What are you throwing out now, our marriage certificate?

Look at these!

Your letters to me, tossed out in the trash

like-- like second class mail.

- Oh, good heavens!

How did that happen? - Well, it's perfectly simple.

You found them in the chest up in our bedroom,

and you decided they were worthless scraps of paper

and you dumped them out.

- Oh, no, Eloise.

No, no.

I did take some junk from that chest up in the bedroom,

but-- well, those letters must have been hidden in it.

I didn't even know you were keeping them.

- I think it was deliberate!

- Well, now, I think you're be unreasonable.

- Oh is that so?

- I don't think-- - You cannot--

- it's unreasonable-- - expect me to--

- at all.

Do you think I'd tie a little piece--

- take every little piece of paper--

- ribbon around all papers--

- go through it with a fine-toothed comb--

- to be thrown out?

- Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson!

If you love each other, why are you hollering so loud?

[arguing continues]

- And Mrs. Wilson said, "Oh, is that so?"

And Mr. Wilson said, "Yes, that's so."

Three times today, they were hollering that.

I just don't get it.

- It was really nothing, Dennis.

Mrs. Wilson was just a little upset at Mr. Wilson

for throwing those letters away.

And I don't blame her.

- What's the difference, Mom?

Trash is trash.

- Well, love letters aren't trash, Dennis.

I still have every letter your father ever wrote me.

- I'd never get rid of them.

They were real gems.

- Oh, they certainly were.

- Every time I need cheering up, I get 'em down out of the attic

and read 'em all over again.

They're always good for a laugh.

- Oh?

I didn't know you found them funny.

- They're hysterical.

What a calf-eyed Romeo I was in those days.

- Well, that's one way of putting it.

- And the way I threw that-- that purple prose around.

Whenever I'm near you, my heart beats

within my breast like the pounding

of waves against the rock-bound coast.

- Very amusing.

- Well, some of the best comedy ever written.

- Well, if that's the way you feel about your letters,

I'm sorry you didn't throw them out!

- Uh, well, you don't mean that, dear.

- I certainly do!

They should have been thrown out a long time ago!

- Me and my big mouth.

- Well, this is really something.

Mom's sore because you didn't throw your letters away.

And Mrs. Wilson's sore because Mr. Wilson did.

- Yeah.

It is kind of confusing, son.

But love makes people do confusing things.

- Boy, you can say that again.

- I'd rather not.

- I sure hope Pete Owens doesn't get that confused.

That girl's probably read that letter by now,

and she'll be in love with Pete up to here!

- Pete!

Mother, it's from Pete.

He must have gone home and written the minute he left me.

- My, he is smitten.

- Well, listen to how it starts.

"Dearest Darling Babykins, last night,

as I gazed into the heavens, I seemed

to see your face shining there."

- Oh, wow!

- "Your beauty dazzles me.

Your face your figure remind me of Deanna Dawn."

Deanna Dawn?

Well, who in the world is that?

- Why, she's an old time movie actress.

Deanna Dawn?

She's an old lady now.

- Older than you, even?

- Yes, older than me, even.

She's fat and baggy looking.

That's an odd compliment.

- Fat and baggy looking?

Well, this whole letter's just to make fun of me.

- Oh, I don't know.

I wouldn't--

- He must think I'm stupid, or something.

I'll go straighten Mr. Pete Owens out right now!

I'll Deanna Dawn him!

- Learning about love is tough, Tommy.

When I first started playing baseball,

I learned all about it in 20 minutes.

- Sure.

- But I've been studying about love since 9

o'clock this morning.

And I still don't understand it.

- Baseball's a lot more fun than love.

- Yeah, you know what you're doing in baseball.

But love, the rules keep changing all the time.

- Yeah. It must be a real drag.

- Well, anyhow, I bet we get that girl in love with Pete.

And I ought to learn a lot by just watching them.

- I saw Pete over there in the park, when I came through.

Boy that poor guy looked sick.

- Sick? Jeepers!

Don't tell me being in love makes people sick!

Come on, let's go talk to Pete.

You mean, she doesn't love ya, Pete?

- Love me?

Huh!

She came over to my house a while ago

and liked to tore my head off.

- Boy!

But why, Pete?

Gee whiz!

- I don't know why.

She was hollering so loud and so fast, I couldn't get a word in.

Something about a letter, or something.

- A letter?

- I didn't write her any letter.

I don't what she's so mad about.

- Well, don't you worry, Pete.

She'll be in love with you, yet.

You wait and see.

And Pete's a real good friend of ours.

And we came over to talk to you.

- I'm not interested in discussing

Mr. Pete Owens with anyone.

- Jeepers!

I don't know why you're mad at him about that letter.

I thought it was a swell love letter, myself.

- Yeah.

It was sure sloppy.

- You-- you mean you read it?

- Sure.

We're the ones that put it in your mailbox,

to do Pete a favor.

And--

- Well, that's just dandy!

He's so proud of his sarcastic little masterpiece

that he goes around reading it to everybody!

- He does not go around reading it to everybody.

He didn't even know.

- I've had enough of Pete Owens.

If he thinks he can get me back by sending two little infants

over to play Cupid, he's badly mistaken.

Well, I don't need him a bit.

- Oh, is that so?

Well, Pete doesn't need you, either.

He's got a million girls.

Hasn't he, Tommy?

- Yeah.

He's got more girls than he needs.

More than anybody needs.

- Every girl in Junior High wants to go steady with him.

All he's gotta do is take his pick.

Come on, Tommy.

- Well, I just caught the tail end of that,

but it sounds like your boy, Pete, is a big man on campus.

- Yeah.

He is awful cute, Mom.

Maybe I ought to go over and talk to him.

The poor boy does deserve a chance to explain.

- All right.

All right.

I plead guilty, Your Honor.

Guilty to the crime of throwing out a ton of junk that--

- You still refer to our love letters as junk, do you?

- OK.

- Eloise, I have told you eight times,

I did not even see those letters.

Of course, I realize it's difficult to concentrate

on what's being said, when you're

busy choosing the next piece of candy.

- Is that so?

- Yes, that's so.

- Jeepers!

That's what you were saying the last time I saw ya.

- Hello, Dennis.

- How are you, dear?

- I'm confused, that's how I am.

- You're confused?

- Yes, sir.

Everybody says when I get older and smarter being in love

will be fun.

But if people in love fight like this,

I'm glad I'm just a dumb kid. TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

- We ought to be ashamed of ourselves, dear.

At least, I should be.

And I am.

- So am I. Two people our age, quarreling over nothing.

And it took a 10-year-old boy to straighten us out.

- Well, dear, it's not your fault.

I'm the unreasonable one.

- Well, I had no call to be so mean and sarcastic.

And you know how I feel about you, Babykins.

- Mm. You still remember that!

Well, Babykins has put on a few pounds since those days,

as you've noticed.

- Aw, you're perfect.

I love every ounce of you.

- Well, dear, some of those ounces

are coming off, right now.

From now on, no more candy.

That's it.

- But you're awfully fond of candy, honey.

Do you really think you can do this?

- Well, of course, I can.

When i make up my mind to do something,

I have all the will-power in the world.

- Boy, I'm getting pretty discouraged about this love

stuff, Tommy.

Look!

The Wilson's are in love, Pete loves Susie,

and Mom and Dad are in love.

- Right.

- So what happens?

The Wilsons are fighting.

Susie hates Pete.

And Mom's sore at Dad.

So--

- Hey, look!

- There is, Baby.

You're a pal, Dennis, a real pal!

- What did--

- Oh, Dennis, how can I ever thank you

for bringing us together?

- Huh?

- You're our own private, personal Cupid!

- Goodbye.

- Thanks, pal!

- Boy!

- Hey, I think she bit ya.

Your head's bleeding.

- Oh, that's just lipstick.

- That's worse.

- What did I do, Tommy?

How did I bring 'em together?

- I don't know, but ya sure did.

- Jeepers!

If I can do that for them, when I didn't even

know what I was doing, maybe I could do it for Mom and Dad,

if I'm really working at it.

I'll sure try.

Hey, Mom!

ALICE MITCHELL (OFFSCREEN): In here, dear.

- Hey, Mom, why don't you and Dad make up and-- hey, what are you

two doing?

- Oh, uh-- ahem-- well, son, I-- I--

I wouldn't want this to go any further,

but I just stole a kiss from this lovely young lady.

- You mean, you aren't mad anymore?

- Oh, of course not, honey.

It was a silly argument in the first place.

Well, I'd better get back to the kitchen.

I haven't done the luncheon dishes yet.

- Oh, I'll help you, honey.

- Jeepers!

How did you do it, Dad?

How did you talk her out of being mad?

- Well, it wasn't very hard, son.

You know, when you love somebody,

you don't stay mad very long.

But I'll tell ya a secret.

Maybe that candy I bought your mother

had something to do with it.

- Oh.

Does a box of candy always work?

Do you think it will work for Mr. Wilson?

- Well, I can't be sure.

But why don't you tell Mr. Wilson about it?

- I've got a better idea than that.!

I'm gonna buy Mrs. Wilson some candy,

and tell her that Mr. Wil-- Dad?

- And it was such a foolish little spat in the first place.

All my fault, really.

- I know how easily those things can happen.

- But I'm going to make it up to John.

Although he don't think I can do it,

because he knows how I love candy, I'm giving it up.

- Oh, I wish I had your will power.

- Hmm.

- Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

Oh, hi, Mom.

- Dennis, don't you knock before barging

into Mrs. Wilson's house?

- Oh, he doesn't need to.

- Well, I didn't this time, because it's important.

A delivery boy from the drugstore

asked me to bring this in.

It's a present from Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, why thank you, dear.

Now, what do you suppose he's done?

I--

- Oh, hey, Mom! Look at that!

A box of candy!

- Oh, fine!

John said I couldn't give up candy.

And now he's going to prove it!

And in the meanest possible way!

- Eloise, Baby!

Daddy's home. Oh.

I didn't know we had company.

- Don't you baby me, John Wilson!

Is-- is-- is something wrong, dear?

- Oh!

Don't start acting innocent again!

- What?

- If this is your idea of a joke, you

have a warped sense of humor. - A joke?

What-- what-- what joke?

Uh, you're not making sense, Eloise.

MRS. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Oh, so now I'm not making sense?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): That's right.

MRS. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): What are you saying?

- You frequently don't make sense.

- Is that so?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Yes, that is so.

- And again, Mrs. Wilson said, "Oh, is that so?"

And Mr. Wilson said, "Yes, that's so."

- Now don't you worry about the Wilson's.

They'll make up in no time.

- These little misunderstandings happen, honey.

They don't really mean a thing when people love each other,

the way the Wilsons do.

- And the way your mom and I do.

- Well, I know one good thing.

You won't be arguing with Dad any more

about those old love letters he wrote to ya.

- Of course, I won't, dear.

- Because I took them out of the attic

and threw 'em in the trash can for ya.

- What?

- Like you said Dad should have done in the first place.

- Oh, no!

Uh, D-Dennis, I didn't mean I wanted him to throw them away.

- Well, you did say that, dear.

- Well, I know.

But-- but-- well, Henry, you know what I meant.

- Jeepers!

I mean, well, I--

- Never mind, dear.

It wasn't your fault.

- Holy smoke, Alice!

You don't mean it was my fault?

- I most certainly do!

You started the whole thing!

- I did not start the whole thing.

You started it!

ALICE MITCHELL (OFFSCREEN): Oh, is that so?

HENRY MITCHELL (OFFSCREEN): Yes, that is so.

- Boy, it sure was lucky we happened

to be watching when Mrs. Wilson threw out this candy.

- It sure is.

- You know something, Tommy?

I spent this whole day watching people, and talking to people,

and asking questions about love.

- Yeah, and ya didn't learn a thing.

- Oh, yes I did.

I learned that it's a real crazy, mixed up business.

Everybody says it's going to happen to me someday-- oh,

but I sure hope they're wrong.

Because when I see the silly things love makes

the people do-- uh, hey, who's that?

- Oh, that's Susie Walker's cousin.

She came to visit her, yesterday.

- Hey, maybe she'd like a piece of candy!

- Oh, brother.

[theme music]

NARRATOR: This has been a Screen Gems film production.