Original subtitles

- But, but Uncle Ned.

But Uncle Ned.

Uncle Ned, I have spent a year writing this book.

- I will not sign anything!

- They won't publish it unless you sign a release.

- I have never seen such a distortion of the truth.

Mm, on page, on page 47, you say that I walked up

to the Queen of Romania and said, "Hi, toots."

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It was during the World's Fair, she'd

been walking about all day, and I

said, "How are your tootsies?"

I was being solicitous.

- But Uncle Ned--

- And on page 93, here's another one.

Mm, slanderous.

That's all it is, just slanderous.

I was not ejected from Carnegie Hall

for playing my harmonica during a Jascha Heifetz concert.

I was not!

It was my flute, and I was playing it

in the lobby during intermission.

And as I remember, my review was better than his.

Front page. [laughs] With my picture!

- Tell him he's got to sign!

Your publisher's flying out from New York in two days.

- If this book is published without my permission,

I will sue.

Just as I sued Clarence Darrow.

Trying to make a monkey out of me.

- Uncle Ned, we're not getting anywhere on the telephone.

I think we ought to talk this over in person.

- Well, that suits me fine.

"My Uncle Ned."

If I did half of those things, they'd

be after me with a butterfly net.

This is the last time I'll ever buy a suitcase made

from the skin of a polar bear.

Always have to keep it in a cool place.

[theme music]

[phone ringing]

- Tilly?

Tilly?

Anybody wants me, I'm at my nephew's downstate.

Yes.

- I understand, Mr. Wilson.

If anybody wants you, you'll be at your Uncle Ned's.

Have a good time, Mr. Wilson.

- Henry, you're going to spoil your dinner.

- Alice, I wish you wouldn't talk to me like that.

That, that's the same tone of voice you use to Dennis!

- Oh.

Henry darling, you're going to spoil your appetite.

Is that better?

- Much.

- That was Mr. Wilson on the phone.

He's leaving first thing in the morning to visit his Uncle Ned.

I'm gonna water his lawn while he's away.

- That's very nice of you to do that for him, Dennis.

- Oh, I'd do anything for Mr. Wilson.

He's my friend.

And besides, he's gonna pay me $1.

- Hi, Uncle Ned.

- Oh hi, Dennis!

My, but it's good to see you.

Do you know something?

It's taken me exactly three hours

and 45 minutes to get from my front gate to the spot

right here.

Oh, I could have made better time,

only they chased me off the freeway.

Yes, the highway patrol.

I want to tell you, I'm a much safer skater

than a lot of those drivers.

How have you been, Dennis? - Fine thanks, Uncle Ned.

- Your mother and dad?

- Fine.

- Mmm.

[doorbell rings]

- Where is that numbskull nephew of mine?

- Did you come to see Mr. Wilson?

- Well, how many numbskull nephews do you think I have?

- Jeepers, he went to see you.

- Well there you are.

You see, that shows he's a numbskull.

I am not there.

What's he lock the door for?

Doesn't he trust anybody?

- You can come over to our house.

- Oh thank you, Dennis.

Thank you.

But uh, I don't believe that'll be necessary.

[clicking sounds]

- Jeepers, how did you do that?

- If I wanted you to know Dennis, I

wouldn't have opened the umbrella.

- Hello?

Hello, operator.

Operator.

[thunder]

- Operator-- I know he went to visit his nephew.

I'm the nephew he went to visit.

Now would you please put my call through?

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Oh hi, Mr. Wilson.

Where are you?

What?

He's here.

- Already?

No, no, no!

Tell him to stay there.

I'm driving right back.

- He's at your house.

- How did he get in without a key?

[thunder]

- Oh, the old umbrella trick.

Well, tell him to be sure to wait for me.

- OK, Mr. Wilson.

Bye.

- Bye.

[thunder]

- Mr. Wilson said he was leaving right away,

and he wants you to wait until he gets back.

- I have no intention of leaving.

None whatsoever.

- Do you always talk to people standing

on your head, Uncle Ned?

- Huh?

I'm doing my yoga exercise.

- Oh.

Well, it looks like you're standing on your head.

- [laughs] My, that's a very stimulating exercise, Dennis.

Tones up the brain cells, keeps you alert.

Wonderful for your memory.

Helps you never to forget.

I learned it all in India from a professor named uh, uh, hmm,

what was his name?

- Boy, you sure have had an interesting life, Uncle Ned.

No wonder Mr. Wilson's written that book about you.

- A book? It's a mass of lies.

Imagine accusing me of calling the Queen of Romania "toots."

- What did you call her?

- "Your Majesty."

When the King was around.

[phone ringing] - Hey!

- Mm hmm?

- That sounds like our phone.

I'll be right back.

- What was that professor's name?

A, B.

- Does John Wilson live here?

- Yeah, but he's not home.

- I have a telegram for him.

- I'll be happy to give it to him.

- OK.

Make sure he gets it.

- Bye! - Bye.

[phone ringing]

- Where are you, Mr. Wilson?

- I'm still here.

[thunder]

- There's a terrible storm and the bridge

has washed out up here.

I, I can't get back.

- It's a beautiful day here.

The sun is shining and it's real warm.

- Dennis, I didn't call for a weather report.

- OK.

Oh, I almost forgot.

A messenger just gave me a telegram for you.

- Who's it from?

- I don't know.

There's no return address on the envelope.

- Dennis, they don't put a-- oh, never mind.

Just open it.

- I got it open, Mr. Wilson.

Do you want me to read it?

- Please!

- "Due to change in plans, am arriving your city today

to finalize details regarding publication of your book.

Would appreciate you arranging for me to meet Uncle Ned.

Sounds like fascinating character."

It's signed Charles D. Winfield, Winfield Publishing Company.

Did you hear all that, Mr. Wilson?

[thunder]

- Oh no!

- John, what's the matter?

- Dennis just read me a telegram from Mr. Winfield.

He's arriving a day early. - Today?

- And we're stuck up here!

- And Uncle Ned's down there!

- We're up here, Uncle Ned's down there,

and there goes my whole career if Uncle Ned

meets Mr. Winfield before I [gasps].

Dennis, let me talk to your father!

- Oh, he's not home.

He and Mom went downtown shopping.

- Oh fine.

Then Dennis, I'll have to depend on you.

Dennis, Uncle Ned does not want my book to be published.

- Why not?

- Because he's a stubborn old--

[thunder]

- What's that, Mr. Wilson?

I didn't hear it all.

- Uh, it's just as well.

Dennis, I came up here to try and reason with him.

But if Uncle Ned meets Mr. Winfield before I have a chance

to talk to him, he'll ruin the whole deal

and I'll have to give back the $2,000.

- What $2,000?

- The advance the publishers gave me, Dennis.

Now I do not want Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.

I say again, I do not want Uncle Ned to meet Mr. Winfield.

Do you understand?

- Yes sir.

I think so.

- Fine, fine.

Then you've got to help me.

Dennis, you've got to get Uncle Ned out of the house

and make sure he doesn't meet Mr. Winfield.

Do you understand?

- Yes sir, but what'll I do with him?

- Anything!

Take him to the park, feed him to the squirrels!

The old nut.

If he gets tired of the park, you can take him to the--

[thunder]

- Dennis?

Dennis?

The phone's dead.

- The lightning must've struck the line.

- Oh, I wish it had been me.

Dennis!

[thunder]

- I was only fooling.

- Beautiful day, Dennis.

Good idea of yours to go to the park, you know.

Nothing like a park on a beautiful day.

[pop]

[pop]

- You know, I've always wanted to do a thing like that.

- Me too!

- Me too, but I can't afford it.

$0.80 please. - Hey you!

Hey, hold it!

You're under arrest.

- What for?

- For destroying that man's property.

- It's all right, Sergeant Mooney.

We paid for them.

Didn't you, Uncle Ned?

- I certainly did.

What do you think I am?

Some kind of a nut?

- Uncle Ned?

Dennis, is this your uncle?

- No, he's Mr. Wilson's.

- Mr. Wilson's?

Oh well, that explains it! [laughs]

- Exactly what do you mean by that?

- Oh nothing!

Glad to meet you, Uncle Ned.

- Sergeant Mooney's about the best policeman on our force.

We haven't had a pickpocket in the park

since he's been on this beat.

- Well, really?

Well, well, well, Sergeant.

I congratulate you, you know.

I have an idea this whole town will be eternally grateful.

- Well, I guess I better get back to the car

in case the lieutenant calls.

[laughing]

- What's the matter, Sergeant Mooney?

- What happened to my car keys?

- You mean these?

- Oh, I guess I must have dropped them.

- And your badge, Officer.

- Huh? - And your pencil.

- Oh now, just a min--

- And the handcuffs.

- How did you--

- No, no.

I promised Uncle Houdini I'd never divulge the secret.

Don't you think it's getting late

for a motion picture, Dennis?

Don't you think we ought to go home?

- Jeepers, it's a great movie.

The Lizard Man marries the Wolf Girl!

- Well, well, well.

Well now, just a minute.

Let me see.

There were six hot dogs, four ice cream cones,

two bags of peanuts and eight balloons.

Oh, I wonder if I'm going to have enough money.

Any place around here where I can get a check cashed?

- Oh, Mr. Quigley'll cash it for you.

He always cashes Mr. Wilson's checks.

- In there, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, you run along and find out

what time the picture starts.

- Yes sir!

- Not too fast now.

- Good day.

Oh, yes sir?

- I wonder if you'd cash this check for me, please?

- Well, I I'm afraid I don't know you.

- I am John Wilson's uncle.

- Oh, then you won't mind if I call him.

- I don't believe he's home.

- Well, do you have any identification?

A driver's license?

- No.

- I'm afraid my insurance company won't allow me to.

- Well, would a pilot license do?

- Do you fly?

- Well, just the propeller driven aircraft, yes.

They haven't checked me out on jets.

But here.

- Oh.

Oh, yes.

Well, that'll do.

$5, Ned Wilson.

Oh, you must be Uncle Ned!

I heard that Mr. Wilson wrote a book about you.

You're supposed to be quite a character!

- That is the impression that he's trying to create.

The whole thing is a badly written, misspelled

encyclopedia of falsehoods.

It will never be published.

Never!

Character indeed.

- There you are.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- [inaudible]

- Grandma Robinson's homemade relish?

- Uh, $0.25 a jar.

The best we've ever had.

- Oh?

- Would you care to try a jar?

- Well, I uh--

- Double your money back if uh, you don't like it.

- Oh.

Well, that's fair enough.

- Yes.

- No.

Please, don't bother.

I'll eat it here.

- Here?

- Yes.

You have a spoon, please?

- Well uh, yes.

- Oh, thank you.

I don't like it.

May I have my $0.50?

- $0.50?

- Double your money back if you don't like it.

I don't like it.

Thank you.

May I have two jars of Grandma Robinson's homemade relish?

- Why?

You don't like it! - I know.

But I may like the next two.

- Now look!

One jar to a customer.

- Doesn't say that on the sign.

- Well, it doesn't say it, but it means it.

- If it meant it, it would say it.

- Now look, you--

- Do you know the penalty for misleading advertising?

- Misleading?

- Two jars, please.

- Don't like either one?

- $1, please.

- I'm discontinuing the offer.

- It says nothing about a time limit.

I believe the fine for misleading advertising is $500.

Thank you.

- I know.

Four.

- Eight.

- Eight!

- And besides the fine of $500, you can get one year in jail.

- Don't bother.

I know you're not going to like them.

- Thank you.

I think I'll let these ride.

It's the first time I ever played relish roulette.

Well, in a way, it's a variation of the system

I used when I broke the bank at Monte Carlo.

- Broke the bank!

[crash]

- Come on, Uncle Ned!

We'd better get going!

The picture starts in five minutes.

- Oh Dennis, am I glad to see you!

Here, have a lollipop.

- Thanks, Mr. Quigley.

And thanks for cashing Uncle Ned's check.

I told him you would.

- You told him.

- Hey, do you know Mr. Wilson wrote

a book about his famous Uncle Ned?

- Tell him to stop the presses!

I've got another chapter.

- Hello? Hello?

[thunder]

- No, I do not want to speak to his assistant.

I want to talk to the Commissioner

of Highways himself.

Yes.

Commissioner?

As far as I can make out, your department

is doing absolutely nothing about repairing

that washed out bridge and I need help.

I'm stuck up here on my uncle's farm and I've got to get out.

Now this is an emergency.

My wife-- oh no, no.

No, it isn't that kind of an emergency.

No, no.

I have written a book about my Uncle Ned,

but he won't sign a release.

Now my publisher is flying down to my house.

My uncle is there.

And the little boy next door, he is trying to-- he-- hello?

Hello? Hello?

- Did the line go out again? - No.

He hung up.

Eloise, my career is lying out there

buried under a sea of mud.

- Aw, just relax, John.

Probably Mr. Winfield isn't even there yet.

- Oh, it's no trouble at all, Mr. Winfield.

Do sit down. - Thank you.

- I'm sure they must be in the neighborhood somewhere.

I'll just drive around and look for them.

- Thank you, Mr. Mitchell.

I'm sorry Wilson isn't back yet.

I was looking forward to meeting his Uncle Ned.

Is he really as much of a character as Wilson's painted

him?

- Well, he is rather unusual.

- I know it is rather unusual, but I am a student.

And your sign here says "Students half price."

You're a student, aren't you Dennis?

- Yes sir.

- And so am I. And so I'll have two student tickets please.

One for little Dennis and one for little-- uh, for me.

- You're holding up the line.

Would you mind moving along?

- I am not going to budge.

If you folks want to see a motion picture,

better go home and look at TV. - All right.

OK, so you're a student.

What school do you go to?

- The Allegheny Institute of Taxidermy.

I am taking a correspondence course.

- A correspondence course?

- Yes.

And I mailed in my homework last night.

A stuffed pheasant.

- Oh hi, Mr. Quigley. Where you going?

- I'm delivering a rush order, Dennis.

- Now you take your stuffed pheasant

and get out of this line!

- What's the matter, Fred?

- Well, this guy wants me to sell him a student ticket

because he's taking a correspondence course!

- Well, sell it to him before you lose your whole theater!

Including the popcorn concessions.

- Oh now, look here sir!

[horn honking]

- Hey, that's my dad!

- Oh, I'll be right back.

- Oh, won't you excuse me, madam?

Won't you step right up to the box office?

- One student ticket please.

I'm studying first aid at the Red Cross.

- I've been looking all over for you two.

There's a man at the house very anxious to meet you.

- Really? Who is it?

- A Mr. Winfield.

- The publisher!

- Publisher?

- Yes, he's going to publish your nephew's book.

- Indeed.

He thinks he's going to publish it.

But I'll put a few choice tidbits in his ear.

- Wouldn't you rather see the movie?

- I certainly would not.

Mitchell, would you kindly drive me home?

- Well, sure.

- Thank you.

You coming, Dennis?

- Yes sir.

I sure am sorry to miss your wedding.

HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

- It stopped raining.

John, would you stop that pacing?

[phone ringing]

- It works!

Hello?

Uh, what?

How do I know how many rings I am?

- Dear, it's a party line.

- This is no time for a party.

Would you please be brief?

I'm trying to keep this line open.

I have-- well, the same to you, mac!

Don't people have other things to do

besides sitting around gossiping all day?

Hello, are you still talking?

- Dear, they only started a moment ago.

- This is a matter of life and death!

- Oh, don't be so dramatic!

- Eloise, have you any idea what will happen

if Dennis hasn't kept those two apart?

- Now dear, just calm down.

I'm sure Dennis will do his best.

- Knowing Dennis' best, you ask me to calm down?

Hello?

Are you still on the-- it's free.

It's free!

[dialing phone]

- Operator, operator!

Jumping Jehosaphats!

- Now dear, it could be worse.

You can still get incoming calls.

- Oh. Oh.

- I tell you, Mr. Winfield, this will not be published!

- Well, if that's the way you feel about it.

- That is exactly the way I feel about it.

- But Uncle Ned, Mr. Wilson spent a year working on your life.

- I spent 75 years working on it.

And I'm not going to have everybody reading it.

- Then I guess Mr. Wilson will have to give back the $2,000.

- Serves him right.

Writing a pack of lies, making me look like a-- $2,000?

What $2,000?

- Dennis must be referring to the advance

we paid your nephew on the book.

- $2,000?

- Oh, and that's merely a token payment

against future royalties.

He'll make considerably more money than that.

Motion picture rights, possibly a television series.

It could come to rather a large sum.

- Really?

- It's a shame to lose all that money.

- Lose it?

Who said anything about losing it?

Uh oh, Mr. Winfield, sit right down.

Sit right down.

Let's talk this thing over, yes.

Motion picture right?

Royalties? Hmm.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Uh yes, this is John Wilson.

Oh yes, put him on.

Dennis?

Everything OK?

- Yes sir.

I've got some good news for you, Mr. Wilson.

- Fine, fine.

You kept Uncle Ned from meeting Mr. Winfield.

- Everything's OK, Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Winfield's gonna publish the book.

- Oh, uh, uh, Winfield is going to publish my book!

- Not your book, Mr. Wilson.

- Uh, uh, not my book, Eloise.

Not my book?

Whose book then?

- Uncle Ned's book.

It's all about his experiences.

- Well, that's what mine's about!

- This one is about his experiences

with the Queen of Romania.

He's got a great title for it.

- "Hi, Toots!"

That's the title?

Well, thanks just the same, Dennis.

- Don't hang up, Mr. Wilson.

I've got some more good news for you.

Uncle Ned told Mr. Winfield that he

couldn't write the book without your help.

- Oh, oh he did?

- Yes sir.

He hasn't got a typewriter.

So he's gonna move in with you for six months and use yours.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wilson?

Oh hi, Mrs. Wilson.

What happened to Mr. Wilson?

He did?

Jeepers, I guess all that good news was too much for him!

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: This has been a Screen Gems film production.