Original subtitles

(electrical burning sound)

Lawerence, okay listen we are going to be land anth

this week, alright? I need you to get me a couple

of boxes of grid squares.

Yes sergeant.

And square away that map

Hey you know 9/11 actually happened on 9/10 right?

Like what? It happened on a leap year?

No!

I did the math. Divide nine by 2.

Yeah

You get 4.5.

Okay.

Move those decimal points over two, drop the one,

you get 451, fahrenheit 451.

They are trying to burn our books,

they're making our youth dumb.

(whispering) oh my god

Ha, I didn't know you read.

He doesn't read, he has a subscription to audible.

Were you homeschooled as a child?

Yeah, why does everyone keep asking me that?

Because when you say things like that,

it makes it seem like your mom

was your only friend growing up.

(chuckling)

Not by choice right?

(chuckles)

Laugh it up, but soon enough,

we're all gonna be in FEMA camps, you know why?

Baby boomers, they had too many kids,

now they aren't having enough kids

so then they are gonna close down the schools,

they are gonna close down Chick-fi-la's,

they are gonna close down marijuana dispensers

and they're shoving crisis actors in there.

Bro, you gotta settle down. You're scarring the kid. God.

You need to educate yourself. Watch some youtube videos.

Hey! Not Alex Smith! Not Alex Smith!

Who's Alex Smith?

Good.

He's the quarterback.

He's the quarterback for the Redskins.

No! No! No! He's the gay frog guy.

That is definitely, that's Alex Jones.

(upbeat music)

(revs car engine)

Holy fuck.

Oh no, the scouts are doing a music video again.

(electronic music)

What's up pussy woosies?

Do you guys do Army too?

Nah, we are in the Air Force pal.

You are here for the statewide training event.

They are trying to take over the base.

About that, Master Sergeant Taylor,

this is Master Sergeant Jimbo Spreeder,

aka Jimbo, aka old balls. You tell him that,

he might cut your dick off.

About his dick, he's got the biggest dick

in the career field.

Why do they call you old balls?

You don't have the security clearance for that story.

Come on Big Zoo, show the kid around the car.

You ever seen a Lamborghini son?

That is a sexy machine.

Hey, the Air Force gives us our own GTC

and why wouldn't I get an upgrade?

But you upgraded to an exotic.

I mean so what if it's an extra $2400

they just gotta skip a little on predium.

It's freaking gorgeous.

They don't even make us wear real boots in the Air Force.

These are practically tennis shoes.

It's days like this that I question my joining the Army.

What is wrong with you?

Hands off young one.

610 horse power, all wheel drive,

0 to 60 in 3.3 seconds.

There's something I want to talk to you guys about,

about this whole security thing you're doing.

We saw some helicopters starting up back there and

have you ever thought about a possible aerial threat?

Shit!

What do we do?

That's right big guy, you gotta get ready for anything.

Does this have anything to do

with why you're called Big Zoo?

No, and I told ya, you can't learn about that,

I can't tell you about that.

Okay.

Now you ask me one more time, Imma kill ya right?

(Nervous laughter)

Okay, I'm not kidding.

You never know what's gonna go down here.

What do I do?

I think you got it, I just want you

to keep your eyes up that way this entire time

and make sure that they are not coming in undetected.

Get your life in gear son.

I don't want to work with Sergeant Butts anymore.

Sergeant Butts, is that really his name? Butts?

Yeah literally.

Alright cool. Thanks brother, I appreciate

put your gun down.

Hey who's got a cell phone?

Let's get some fine photos for the internet.

Listen I was going to ask you that's cool right?

Yeah come on!

Alright!

Well you know this car smells like leather.

Yeah doesn't it smell good?

Yeah

You know what else it smells like?

Smells like pussy!

Yeah!

Yeah you smell it don't you? You smell it don't you?

Yeah! I've never smelt one in my life.

Aww

What? Don't sit on the car kid, come on.

Be respectful.

Lets Justin Timberlake 1999

just started dating Brittany Spears, there we go.

(police sirens)

I thought I smelled butt sex. What's up fuck stains?

Well if it isn't the poster child for pegging.

Dean, nice tits. They don't tell you

to fix your camel toe or what?

Did they let you out of the

Nazi concentration camp you Hitler youth?

Hey Butts, what's wrong, didn't you learn anything else

besides to suck dick when you were being homeschooled?

Hey that's a valuable degree!

Yeah I know, I can tell you learned good.

Listen, why don't you go piss yourself

like you did in the Christmas party?

I have an overactive bladder you insensitive fuck!

God dammit, you guys fucking suck!

(car engine revving up)

Put that shit out of neutral.

What an ass.

Come on come on come on.

Oh prom pose. Prom pose.

Yeah there it is there it is. Alright.

Now pregnant mom.

Good smile, good smile. Teen mom, teen mom.

There we go Dakota Myer please.

No you gotta take it in, take it in.

Oh what's that on your finger? Wow.

That's pussy son.

Was that JT?

No, no, no that's this hand, it smells like shit.

(coughs)

Yeah we're good, we're good.

Alright you got a big elephant dick. Yeah there it is.

Fighting, we're gonna make them fight.

Big elephant dicks, fighting.

(chuckles)

Alright lets get some cholo,

you're in south central, there ya go.

Let me get some gang signs or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh there it is.

Big time money.

There it is. This is for Tender right there my friends.

I think you got it. I think you got it.

I really appreciate it, I really do, that's really cool.

Can you airdrop that to me?

Technology kid, I got it.

Wait, hold on a second.

What do you mean it's over?

Later gays.

How's it index? We just got here.

[Walkee Talkee] The exercise has been terminated.

It's barley been 10 minutes.

Dude what shit do you mean they just

[Walkee Talkee] Operation affirmed cap here

God dammit those jay tacks did it again!

They're in a fucking lambo. Son of a bitch

they look fucking handsome!

Damn! Roger that.

They are making us look stupid.

I just realized something.

Huh?

Those are gonna be the guys who put us in FEMA camps.

Damn you Alex Jones!

(upbeat music)

Oh baby.

(knocking)

Um Sergeant, can you not rub your penis

while I'm outside? Thank you.

I'm not rubbing my penis, I'm watching Leanne Abernethy.

I don't know who that is.

She's only the best gun, but just come in here.

This angel is Leanna Abernethy.

The best gun bunny in the bizz.

She is beautiful

Perfect.

Look at those big, personalities.

I know everything about her personality, she's mine.

Um, do you think she shows just enough

side boob so you can't see her nipples?

She knows exactly what she's doing.

Do you think her nipples are photoshopped? They're so

Are you fucking serious? No, no, no, no.

She's pro, she's all natural.

Natural, is she single?

She's going to be my wife.

Ha okay Sergeant.

Hey, she's coming on base today, she has a show,

there's a good possibility she's coming through this gate.

We need to be ready, I need to be looking my best.

You need to dress down, so you don't look better than me.

Anyways, I am going to show her this video,

she's gonna marry me after she sees this.

Okay. Oh my God that is... nervousing

It's just a little tribute video.

Ah, that's...

Just I need your honest opinion Mr. Ebert.

You have a wig.

Yes.

You're hairy. Ahh

Five more minutes that's it. Watch it.

Okay well you know what? I have to go outside

because what if she comes by in the next five minutes?

You know we can't

Yeah go stand post.

Yeah

I worked 12 hours on this.

(upbeat music)

(seductive music)

(seductive whispering)

How are you boy? You looked startled.

Uh yes sir. Ms. Abernathy.

Let me talk to you for a second here big boy,

have you ever thought about being a model yourself?

A male gunny as it were, a male gunny money if you will.

(chuckles)

Hey how ya doing?

Good how are you?

I'm good.

What do you do?

Uh, I work this gate ma'am.

Oh, an how old are you?

I am legal.

You're legal?

Yep.

So what? 18?

19

Oh even better.

Sir what is your business on this base right now?

Well I am Alabastra Chrome O311520 marks men, Navy Seal.

I'm with Leanne Abernethy, I'm her handler if you will,

I am Alabastra Chrome.

Really?

Brigadier general retire of course,

it's been a while.

So how long have you worked with these?

Uh guns? Uh about a year now.

Yeah? Do you know any poses?

No

No? Can I show you?

Please.

One of my favorite ones, is

called the crouching hiding virgin,

So why don't you come sit down?

Have you ever posed before for the camera?

Uh no is that gonna get me to work with Leanne over there?

It will, you smell like a soldier, open your mouth.

Baptism by fire my friend.

Yeah I should go talk to her.

No not yet, lets work on your poses.

Don't forget to pop that ass, okay?

You gotta go down okay? Go down.

I won't forget.

Okay, we're just gonna crouch.

We are scared to loose our virginity okay?

Okay, I don't wanna lose that.

Why?

It's my precious little cherry.

Why can't I have your cherry?

Get your guns out like this,

and you just work the eggs together like this.

Yeah, sounds good.

Work the eggs.

No I like that.

It's nice huh?

Uhuh

Why don't we try another one?

Don't worry I'm Alabastra Chrome.

If I do this right, do I get to work with her?

Yes of course. I was a tank commander

in Afghanistan 23 by 17.

Do you know what this is?

Yeah that's a SAW.

Have you ever shot it?

I have not.

No?

Mmm mmm

Well come here.

Okay.

Get down.

Get down?

Get down.

This is called the lily hammer,

ski jump, get your pistols up boy.

(making grunting noise)

And we jump!

Yeah you're good. Pop that ass. Pop it.

I don't know how to pop my ass. Okay. Yup.

Your gonna get down.

This one I call the Jack and the Rose.

Bitch freezing to death and she takes the last door.

Ha, a boom a boom and we're flying,

we're flying, we're flying.

Okay we're flying, we've landed,

I'm gonna go talk to Ms. Abernethy over there.

You're gonna like basically make love to this rifle.

Can you do that?

Put your hands on my hip, I call this one the macarena.

One polly two polly two macarena, get into it,

come on I'm Alabastra Chrome, shoot the guns mother,

shoot the guns mother, shoot the guns mother

Is she impressed?

I think she loves it. I think she loves you.

She does right?

She loves Alabastra Chrome, why wouldn't she love you?

I'm gonna get right on top of you.

Okay.

How does that feel?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, that's nice, killer whale, killer whale.

Ooo Ed the eggman that's nice.

I'm gonna bend down, I'm gonna go low and you're

gonna use me. Now put your rifle on me boy. Come on.

Get into me. Come on!

Okay Ma'am, I'm nervous.

Will you fucking get in deep with me?

This is my first time.

Ugh God.

Put your hands on my leg like this.

Yes.

You're tending the wound, now pull out your pistol

Uhuh

And you say in the shoe, coo coo coo, in the shoe

Pow

I'm out of the war, I'm out of the war

You going home or what?

Good job. I'll call ya. Who do we have here?

Well howdy do? My heart has gone on the orient express.

Alabastra Chrome, third brigadier general in 1996,

doesn't matter, I think you've got what it takes

to be a male gunny. Call me.

And I want you

Leanne!

To call me.

Take me to home.

Aye aye captain.

Um Ms. Abernethy, um Ms. Abernethy

can I talk to you for just a second?

I'm a big fan, I love your work, um I'm in love with you.

Can I have my keys babe?

Ms. Abernathy

Open the gates you little pink bitch.

(car engine running)

(mechanical sound)

Uh Ms. Abernethy, Ms. Abernethy,

Ms. Abernethy, ma'am, sweetheart, honey I love you!

Dammit. Open the god damn gates Lawerence.

No

(mechanical noise)

(cheerful upbeat music)

(bongo drums playing)

Before every glorious and glamorous moment

in the the spot light

(energizing music)

There lots of way less glorious

and glamorous things you have to do to get there.

It takes a warrior to understand that.

(energizing music)