Original subtitles

(sizzling)

Hey, you know half these cars coming through the gate,

they're not even real.

[Lawrence] What?

They're crisis actors, hired by George Soros

to infiltrate the US military.

There's no crisis on post.

[Sergeant] Yet.

Quit playing with it like it's your dick, guy.

Hey, fellas.

I've been watching you for the past couple hours,

and guess what?

Three cars have gone through the gate,

and not one of them had an ID checked.

Well, that first guy, he is a soldier,

he just forgot his ID.

Oh, my god!

He was a soldier!?

I forgot you could buy this online for $20.

Come on, man.

The second one was some hot blonde.

She was late for a Tinder date.

Sweet.

So she's gonna spread her legs

and spread her gonaherpesiphilaids all over the place.

Perfect. Wonderful.

Great.

The other one was a fast food delivery guy.

He was delivering pizzas to other--

Your gluttony gives you away, my friend.

(sighs)

We're gonna play a game,

because it's officially do what I wanna do day,

and I'm gonna do what I wanna do,

'cause I get to do whatever the fuck I get to do.

I'm watching you!

Guy's gonna give himself a heart attack.

Anyways, how the fuck did he know we were here?

There's no cameras around here.

There's one literally right up--

Fuck-fuck games, Lawrence.

He's playing fuck-fuck games.

(funk music)

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Soldier.

License and registration, please.

All right.

I got license, and give me one minute.

I'll find that registration

for you. - Good picture.

And the registration.

All right, I can't find it.

I do have it.

I have to get to my flight.

Base policy, ma'am.

I do need that registration, and the only way

you can get through that gate is

for me to ask you a few questions, like where you're going.

Okay.

That seems fairly atypical.

It's kind of none of your business.

Really?

Base policy, ma'am.

I didn't make it up.

We have this little thing we have to do.

It's a new guideline called 20 questions,

so I'm gonna have to run through those,

very briefly, of course.

Okay, so I have this new guideline,

like I have to get the plane off the ground at 0900 hours.

- We'll get you there, ma'am. - This is crazy.

I promise.

If you can just bear with me here.

Where are you going again?

Again, I'm gonna have to say none of your business.

Okay, okay.

Swing and a miss on that one.

[Woman] Personal policy.

I got you, I got you.

What about, what is your job, again?

So I really, I would love to sit

here and lightly flirt with you for the next 45 minutes,

but I really do have to get to my flight.

Ma'am, I assure you, I am purely professional, here.

This is mandated from the base JAG,

that I have to go through this in order to get

you through the security that you need to go through.

So I'm gonna ask you a third question, pets?

You got any pets, dogs, cats, goldfish?

Still, no.

It feels like we're moving even further

from what actually needs to happen,

which is getting through the gate.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I mean, I understand

how it seems that way, but again,

just following orders here.

I see you're not married.

Boyfriend, anything like that.

Okay, so again, really inappropriate.

Inappropriate question.

Sort of totally out

of line, here. - Ma'am, again,

you can ask the JAG later, once you go through

his chain of command, to get to him,

but he can, I assure you, this is normal procedure.

I don't wanna inconvenience you, of course,

but I have to do this, and I hope

you understand, a lowly, humble sergeant

like me, I'm just following orders.

Okay (stammers).

- Question number five. - I'm sorry.

Have you ever hear the song Mambo Number Five?

Where is that even coming from?

How did that spring into your brain right now?

Lou Bega happens to be a personal friend

of the base general, so that somehow made it in there.

I don't know.

I don't make the rules.

Question number six, pick up sticks.

Can I just ask you a quick question.

Yes, ma'am, you're free to ask questions to me.

[Woman] Oh, so I can ask you any questions that I want?

Any question you'd like.

Yes, ma'am. - What would you say

your average intelligence is?

Me?

I was homeschooled, so I never

actually got a formal IQ test, per se.

Shocking.

So I can tell, and I would like it

if you let me through the gate.

Ma'am, can't do that.

We still have 13 more questions to go.

I understand this is hard for you,

you know, thinking, expending brain cells.

You're what, at best a three?

I'm easily a nine.

You're like a three, granted,

I'll give you a Bakersfield five.

Okay, maybe you're a Riverside five,

but I really need to get through this gate,

and I need you to stop cock-blocking

me getting through the gate.

Ooh, you know how to cut deep, ma'am.

I don't know if this is personal for you,

or if this is a normal, professional ass-chewing,

or flirting back with me.

I don't know.

Are you into that?

Are you into ass-chewing?

Is this what's happening right now,

some kind of weird sado-masochism thing,

where you're getting off on this?

Is this gate your own personal sexual gratification zone,

where you go over there, get on there,

rub your taint all up in it,

until you're done getting off for the day?

Is he the smart one?

Should I talk to him?

Excuse me!

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, obviously you're the smart one here,

despite how you're holding your gun.

Is there any way that you could let me through this gate.

Yeah, just get the registration ma'am.

I'm sorry.

That's all.

These questions are...

Is that it, right there?

Ah-ha!

No touching.

[Sergeant] May I, ma'am?

Look, don't touch.

I have to.

[Woman] Look, don't touch.

I've heard that plenty of times,

but-- - I'm sure.

Oh, I believe it.

I don't know what you're thinking,

but in this situation, I have to touch.

Okay, well, I'm gonna keep holding onto it.

I have to touch.

May I?

- Yeah, this is fine. - This part right here?

This is good.

- Okay. - This is good.

Okay, everything looks good.

- Thank you. - I have one more question.

Thank you.

Your boyfriend, what's his situation?

Is he an MMA fighter, or you probably like softer guys,

'cause you like being in charge?

I will come back here and cut your dick

off if you don't let me through this gate.

Ma'am, I've metaphorically had

my dick cut off plenty of times already.

There is no more dick to cut off.

Registration, license.

All right, lemme just make sure

this is up-to-date real quick.

Yeah, it's up-to-date.

You have a wonderful day, ma'am.

Thank you so much.

What a pleasure.

(smacks)

Lots of pleasure.

You see that?

She made a kissing face at me.

[Lawrence] I don't think it was real.

(funk music)

(chuckles)

[Man] What's up?

Hey, what's up, brother?

- Hey, what's going on? - How you doing, man?

I just gotta check your ID.

(sighs) Shit, man.

I don't have it today.

I fucking forgot it.

I forgot that I give a shit, so--

(laughs) Well, hey, man.

I got this apple (laughs).

I don't give a shit, man.

You're more than welcome to go through.

(claps) Fuck yeah, dude, man, thank you.

I haven't seen you on the message boards lately, though.

Where you been?

Man, I should've told you, man.

I was at this fucking three-week symposium about flat Earth.

- No! - I don't know what the fuck

a symposium is, man, but flat Earth, that shit is real, man.

We're, look, there's no way you can tell

me that these fucking globe-heads

who think we're on a sphere, that shit's going around us.

That's not true, man.

We're a flat thing.

Soros-funded fucking morons.

Yeah, man.

Fucking Soros, with their.

Look, NASA, dude, am I telling it right?

You know what that stands for, right?

Yeah.

Never a straight answer.

Fucking, fucking Soros.

Hey, it's, man.

- Shit, man. - These goddam globalists.

These goddam motherfuckers trying

to hold us down, stop us from the truth.

Yeah, man.

They're not gonna stop us.

They step on us, like, once we can't breathe man,

but we gotta fight back.

The internet kingdom is unstoppable.

If we could be the kings of that.

We just gotta find the right place, man,

like the right forum to just get our ideas across.

Well, are you at least coming to the next convention?

Fuck yeah, dude.

Of course I am.

- Okay, good, man. - Already got my ticket.

Akron, Ohio, man.

I cannot wait to party with you in Akron, Ohio, brother.

Fuck yeah, man.

Fuck, man.

Call it Jackron, Ohio, what I'm talking about, right?

(laughing)

Dude, look, I need you to get back on the forums, man.

There is a secret group.

What?

Tell me more.

We're gonna take him down.

We're gonna take down Soros.

How do I get in?

I'm in. - It's just four tiers.

I just have to get you into the first tier,

and work your way through it, and then

you're gonna get to the ultimate logic,

and the ultimate logic means that's

when we're gonna power through, man.

That's when we're gonna attack.

We're gonna take him down.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Fucking Soros is gonna get a bore-os.

I'll tell you that right now.

I allowed you into the group.

You still flatboy69?

Yeah, that's, of course, dude.

Come on, man.

- Fuck yeah. - Yeah, dude.

Strong, and-- - Now, listen, man.

I'm gonna pop that gate open for you.

Slip on through.

Yeah, thanks, brother.

(smacks)

(funk music)

How you doing today, ma'am?

Lawrence, can I get you over here real quick?

Ma'am, is that an open 40 in between your legs?

Yeah, it is.

Have you been consuming it?

No, I haven't, dipshit.

I'm nine months pregnant.

I'm not an idiot.

Ma'am, can I have you shut off the car

and step out real quick?

(sighs)

God.

If this ain't some horse shit.

What?

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to give

you a basic field sobriety test.

Are you okay with that?

I've done a few in my day.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm sure you have.

(clears throat) Lawrence.

Ma'am, if you could just place your hands on the hood.

I'm just gonna give you a pat-down

for your safety and my safety.

Okay (chuckles).

Don't touch my titties.

Absolutely not, ma'am.

I'm a professional. - Okay.

(shouts in surprise)

What the hell was that?

It was the baby.

It's kicking.

That was no baby.

That was punching at me.

(laughs)

There you go.

Get him.

Get this done, okay?

I've got shit to do. - God!

Dammit, what alien is in there?

Hey, I think it's just a baby, sergeant.

Thank you.

It's a baby.

God, he's stupid.

Ma'am, I am gonna need you to put

your hips back, right now.

Damn!

Can I ask you a question?

Why are you coming onto base right now?

I'm glad you asked.

I'm on my way to shoot a porno, okay?

And it's my first one.

I'm excited about it.

I'd like to hop to it.

You're shooting a porno at nine months pregnant?

Yeah.

Don't act like you wouldn't watch it.

Cover me.

I am going to have to inspect to make sure

I'm being told the truth right now.

Inspect?

You gonna see in my vagina? - Ma'am.

Keep your legs spread. - What are you doing?

Let's see what we got here.

We getting the porno started out here (chuckles)?

Aw, shit!

Ah, fuck!

Shit.

Oh, god.

(water splashes) (shouts)

(wretches)

(shouts)

(wretching)

Oh, god, it burns!

Dammit!

Mommy (sobbing)!

Oh, god!

Oh, god! - Dammit.

God.

Oh, it burns!

God.

Mommy! - Wanting to save that.

Dammit. (gasping)

Oh, my god.

What the hell?

They were gonna pay me double if I did that in the porno.

You know what?

Get over here and help me pick this shit up.

This shit's worth money.

Get over here - All right, I got a call

about a pregnant lady.

What the fuck is going on here?

Excuse me, ma'am. - You my costar?

You all right?

You my costar?

We gotta get you out of here.

Let's get you to the hospital, okay?

Jesus H. Christ, what the hell is wrong with you guys?

I'll go anywhere with you.

Come on, miss, let's get you to the hospital, all right?

You okay?

Everything's gonna be

all right? - Yeah, I'm good.

I need to get to the hospital. - Come on, let's get you

in here.

All right, get in the back.

You, oh, my god.

What's that smell? - (laughs) I'm good.

Get in there.

Get on in here, baby.

- What the fuck? - Get on in here.

It's a fucking pregnant lady!

Jesus Christ!

(gravel scraping)

Fuck!

(tires squealing)

Woo!

My boys!

Oh, I knew a pep talk would get you going.

And you soaked it all into your damn, dirty skulls.

Look at you!

Oh, what the fuck is that?

Oh, I'm proud of you.

Who's car is this?

And what's on the ground?

What's on my hand?

(funk music)

(inspirational music)

You don't get to tell me that I'm done.

That's not your decision.

That's my decision, and you don't get

to tell me that I'm washed up.

There are moments, all the time,

in the gym that I wanna quit.

If I don't give in to those feelings,

and I can push through, and whatever

my 100% is that day, that's what

I reach, regardless of, maybe I'm hurting,

or I'm really tired, didn't sleep last night, or I'm sick.

I don't have time to deal with that.

There's no point in me putting it off,

because the fastest way out of this pain cave is through.

I'm craving the moment where I can make the decision

to be better, and I wanna quit, but I choose not to.