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1
00:00:04,450 --> 00:00:06,400
Lawrence, if you stick with me,
2
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,020
I will tell you everything
you need to know
3
00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:10,760
about the big army.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,210
Where the fuck is it?
5
00:00:12,210 --> 00:00:13,363
And life in general.
6
00:00:14,363 --> 00:00:17,390
(bird chirping)
7
00:00:17,390 --> 00:00:19,543
Hey, you know birds aren't real, right?
8
00:00:20,590 --> 00:00:22,183
No no no, hear me out on this.
9
00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:26,653
Have you ever seen a baby pigeon before?
10
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:28,643
At ease, make way.
11
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,400
Fucking privates.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,310
What do you mean birds aren't real?
13
00:00:33,310 --> 00:00:34,960
Chickens evolved from raptors, man.
14
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,060
And you keep KFC open with your patronage.
15
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:38,951
Look out for a second.
16
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,710
Listen to me, guy.
17
00:00:40,710 --> 00:00:42,680
There's gonna be a new
post commander coming on.
18
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,020
Change of command.
19
00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:45,670
So this is what we gotta do.
20
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,440
The XO is on my ass,
21
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:50,320
because this is the least productive
22
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,700
of all three of the checkpoints.
23
00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:55,770
So what I need is I need
more traffic stops, no.
24
00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:58,690
I need more car stops,
more searching people,
25
00:00:58,690 --> 00:01:02,090
DUIs, tickets, you get what I'm saying?
26
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:04,180
You know, we can't just force people
27
00:01:04,180 --> 00:01:06,400
to commit crimes, right?
28
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,730
I don't care if Jesus
Christ strolls through here
29
00:01:08,730 --> 00:01:10,610
in a Lamborghini going to the burn ward
30
00:01:10,610 --> 00:01:12,863
in order to cure people and make 'em
31
00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:13,930
grow back their arms,
leg, and facial hair.
32
00:01:13,930 --> 00:01:15,510
If he's got a cracked tail pipe,
33
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:17,790
or if a freakin' windshield wiper is off,
34
00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:19,140
I want you to send him a ticket,
35
00:01:19,140 --> 00:01:20,540
and then get him on his way.
36
00:01:22,210 --> 00:01:23,883
Fix his uniform.
37
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:26,410
This is all your fault.
38
00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:35,473
(upbeat funky music)
39
00:02:15,657 --> 00:02:18,324
(bird chirping)
40
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:36,945
- Hey man, how you doing?
- Bro, what's up?
41
00:02:36,945 --> 00:02:38,511
Man, it's been a minute.
42
00:02:38,511 --> 00:02:39,517
Yeah, yeah.
43
00:02:39,517 --> 00:02:40,800
So, your headlight is out.
44
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:41,633
Oh yeah?
45
00:02:41,633 --> 00:02:43,450
But that's about it.
46
00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:45,278
I'm gonna let you through, okay?
47
00:02:45,278 --> 00:02:46,111
- Oh, for real?
- Just don't tell anybody
48
00:02:46,111 --> 00:02:48,210
because if my boss finds out,
49
00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,374
he's gonna do unspeakable
things to my butt hole.
50
00:02:50,374 --> 00:02:51,810
What?
51
00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:54,290
I don't know what that means.
52
00:02:54,290 --> 00:02:55,980
I don't wanna find out, okay?
53
00:02:55,980 --> 00:02:57,518
Yeah, no, no, you're good.
54
00:02:57,518 --> 00:02:58,351
No I won't.
- Alright.
55
00:02:58,351 --> 00:02:59,800
- Thanks, thanks again.
- Yeah.
56
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:15,328
Hey Lawrence.
57
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:16,290
Yes, Sargent.
58
00:03:16,290 --> 00:03:18,190
Did you hear what Sargent Dean said?
59
00:03:19,150 --> 00:03:20,130
Yes, Sargent.
60
00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:21,440
Okay, good.
61
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:23,493
So write some fucking tickets.
62
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:25,733
Yes, Sargent.
63
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:29,664
(upbeat music)
64
00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:40,023
Hello, ma'am.
65
00:03:41,310 --> 00:03:43,216
License and registration, ma'am.
66
00:03:43,216 --> 00:03:44,049
Sure.
67
00:03:46,302 --> 00:03:47,220
It doesn't really look like you.
68
00:03:47,220 --> 00:03:48,670
Oh, it's just a little old.
69
00:03:49,740 --> 00:03:51,890
And that's kind of expired.
70
00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:53,220
Oh, it's just one month.
71
00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:54,410
It's, you know--
72
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,800
I just have to see my
husband, two seconds.
73
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,030
I can get it taken care of.
- I'm so sorry.
74
00:04:00,030 --> 00:04:01,730
I can't make any exceptions.
75
00:04:01,730 --> 00:04:04,130
Please, I have to see my husband.
76
00:04:04,130 --> 00:04:05,380
[Lawrence] Why is that?
77
00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,100
He was in Fallujah, okay.
78
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:12,380
And his Humvee, it went over an IED,
79
00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:14,570
and everyone in it except for him died,
80
00:04:14,570 --> 00:04:16,623
but he lost most of his legs.
81
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,001
[Lawrence] I'm sorry about that.
82
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:20,560
And our kids call him Lieutenant Dan.
83
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,493
But he's black.
84
00:04:22,950 --> 00:04:24,659
And it's just been really hard on us.
85
00:04:24,659 --> 00:04:26,900
I just have to see him, just for a second.
86
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,280
I'm so sorry.
87
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,113
No really,
88
00:04:31,219 --> 00:04:32,052
I just have to see my husband.
89
00:04:32,052 --> 00:04:33,319
You don't understand.
90
00:04:33,319 --> 00:04:34,450
Our marriage is slowly dying.
91
00:04:34,450 --> 00:04:38,240
I just, I have to see my husband, please.
92
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,240
I really don't wanna do this.
93
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,400
No, please.
94
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,160
I can just, I can get this taken care of.
95
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,138
Just please let me see my husband.
96
00:04:45,138 --> 00:04:47,138
Oh.
- [Lawrence] I would.
97
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,620
I'm sorry, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
98
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,950
Lawrence, what's the problem here?
99
00:04:56,950 --> 00:04:58,870
She has an expired registration.
100
00:04:58,870 --> 00:04:59,860
Does she now?
101
00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:01,790
Ma'am, what's the situation on your end?
102
00:05:01,790 --> 00:05:03,090
I just have to go in for two seconds
103
00:05:03,090 --> 00:05:05,190
and see my husband really quickly.
104
00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:06,690
Double amputee.
105
00:05:06,690 --> 00:05:08,190
I understand.
106
00:05:08,190 --> 00:05:10,100
Can I see that ticket real quick?
107
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:11,173
Thank you very much.
108
00:05:13,890 --> 00:05:14,723
Open wide.
109
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:16,633
[Lawrence] No, stop.
110
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:17,700
Open wide.
111
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:18,540
Yeah.
112
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:19,820
Now eat.
113
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,318
Chew, there you go.
114
00:05:22,318 --> 00:05:26,540
I just wanna thank you for
your husband's sacrifice.
115
00:05:26,540 --> 00:05:28,480
For your sacrifice.
116
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,720
For the sacrifices of your children,
117
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,200
and their children, and their children.
118
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,953
Generation after generation.
119
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:39,897
Our nation owes an eternal
debt to your family.
120
00:05:39,897 --> 00:05:41,040
Thank you so much.
121
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,100
What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna
122
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,176
let you go through that gate.
123
00:05:46,176 --> 00:05:47,172
[Woman] Oh thank you.
124
00:05:47,172 --> 00:05:48,005
And while you're
going through that gate,
125
00:05:48,005 --> 00:05:50,230
Lawrence here is gonna go sit in time out.
126
00:05:50,230 --> 00:05:52,020
- Sargent--
- It's okay, buddy.
127
00:05:52,020 --> 00:05:53,575
Actually, you know what?
128
00:05:53,575 --> 00:05:54,408
Go ahead, so whatever you were gonna say.
129
00:05:54,408 --> 00:05:55,870
- Sargent Dean--
- Okay now shut up.
130
00:05:55,870 --> 00:05:57,397
- But Sargent Dean--
- Ski-doo.
131
00:05:57,397 --> 00:06:01,470
Come on.
- Ski-doo.
132
00:06:01,470 --> 00:06:03,723
Ma'am, we're gonna let
you through the gate.
133
00:06:04,578 --> 00:06:05,603
Thank you, thank you so much.
134
00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:12,170
Sorry about the inconvenience.
135
00:06:13,180 --> 00:06:14,833
You are sorry, aren't you?
136
00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:24,150
Ma'am, how about you just back up,
137
00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,499
and just go around?
- Oh, sure.
138
00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:27,332
Yeah, of course.
139
00:06:29,730 --> 00:06:30,930
Fix the gate, come on.
140
00:06:35,510 --> 00:06:37,330
Good luck with everything, ma'am.
141
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,310
Your husband is a hero.
142
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:41,763
You are a hero, your children are heroes.
143
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:47,813
Sargent.
144
00:06:50,775 --> 00:06:52,123
You know you're gonna
pay for that, right?
145
00:06:54,654 --> 00:06:57,737
(upbeat funky music)
146
00:07:03,430 --> 00:07:04,263
Lawrence.
147
00:07:05,610 --> 00:07:06,880
Go ahead, stop right there.
148
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:07,713
Have a seat, buddy.
149
00:07:07,713 --> 00:07:08,850
I'm gonna take this one.
150
00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,470
Good afternoon, sir.
151
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:16,810
Yep.
152
00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:17,670
Could you do me a little favor
153
00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:19,730
and cut that engine real quick?
154
00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:20,640
Seriously?
155
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,080
Yes, please.
156
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,630
It's just protocol, that's all.
157
00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:27,250
Is there a problem, Sargent?
158
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,400
Not at all, sir.
159
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,020
The only problem I do see, sir,
160
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,715
is you're not wearing
a seatbelt right now.
161
00:07:33,715 --> 00:07:35,650
I literally just took it off.
162
00:07:35,650 --> 00:07:36,483
Okay, yeah.
163
00:07:36,483 --> 00:07:37,939
No, I get it.
164
00:07:37,939 --> 00:07:39,270
I am a good Christian, so
I can let that one sli--
165
00:07:39,270 --> 00:07:41,770
Is that air freshener right there?
166
00:07:41,770 --> 00:07:44,410
Unfortunately, that is
obstructing your view,
167
00:07:44,410 --> 00:07:47,010
and that is an obstruction
of base policy right now.
168
00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:49,097
I am gonna have to write
you up for that one.
169
00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:51,520
Shouldn't be a big deal.
170
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:52,660
You're serious right now.
171
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,100
Yeah, I am serious.
172
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,260
I'm just following the orders.
173
00:07:56,260 --> 00:07:57,333
You know how it goes.
174
00:07:58,820 --> 00:08:00,217
Alright.
175
00:08:00,217 --> 00:08:04,140
You wouldn't happen to have
a penny on you, would you?
176
00:08:04,140 --> 00:08:05,553
Penny?
177
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:06,555
A penny.
178
00:08:06,555 --> 00:08:07,555
I'm a big Abe Lincoln fan.
179
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:08,780
Old Honest Abe, just like me.
180
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,340
You know, he had gigantism.
181
00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:11,410
Historical fact right there.
182
00:08:11,410 --> 00:08:13,050
I'm sure you were a history major.
183
00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:14,500
Okay thank you so much.
184
00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:15,620
I'm gonna take this real quick.
185
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,515
I'm gonna take a look
over to the side here.
186
00:08:18,515 --> 00:08:21,580
Oh yeah, just as I suspected.
187
00:08:21,580 --> 00:08:24,260
That is balder than a
bashed in baby's butt hole.
188
00:08:24,260 --> 00:08:26,238
Alright.
- That's got plenty
189
00:08:26,238 --> 00:08:27,555
of tread on it.
190
00:08:27,555 --> 00:08:28,931
Not according to Honest Abe here,
191
00:08:28,931 --> 00:08:29,920
and I never go against our 16th President.
192
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,736
I'm gonna have to write
you up for that one.
193
00:08:31,736 --> 00:08:34,693
Not a big deal, just a few
hundred dollars, that's all.
194
00:08:34,693 --> 00:08:38,410
At this pace, I think
we should keep walking,
195
00:08:38,410 --> 00:08:40,530
just in case there are any discrepancies
196
00:08:40,530 --> 00:08:42,720
that we could fix on this one.
197
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,620
Alright, let's see.
198
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:46,620
Oh, right off the bat there.
199
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:49,030
Is that an expired tag right there?
200
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,593
Oh, two month grace period, right?
201
00:08:52,610 --> 00:08:54,640
I don't think that's how that works.
202
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,780
I am gonna have to write
you up for that one as well.
203
00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:58,280
There is good news, though.
204
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,670
The base magistrate, which
you'll have to go see,
205
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,290
he's currently going through a divorce,
206
00:09:02,290 --> 00:09:04,099
so I'm sure he'll be in a great mood.
207
00:09:04,099 --> 00:09:04,932
(laughing)
208
00:09:04,932 --> 00:09:06,536
Let's just take a look over here.
209
00:09:06,536 --> 00:09:07,750
This one's fine.
210
00:09:07,750 --> 00:09:08,690
Is it?
211
00:09:08,690 --> 00:09:09,910
We're about to find out.
212
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:11,050
No, it's not.
213
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:13,235
Sir, you are two for two.
214
00:09:13,235 --> 00:09:14,238
Are you sure?
215
00:09:14,238 --> 00:09:15,235
Put that back up there.
216
00:09:15,235 --> 00:09:16,068
Alright.
217
00:09:16,068 --> 00:09:16,990
No, the umpire says no.
218
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,091
And in baseball numbers, though,
219
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,700
two for two is good, so you're
doing good right now, sir.
220
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,635
That one right there.
221
00:09:23,635 --> 00:09:24,480
Alright.
222
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,630
[Adams] Is this really
necessary Sargent?
223
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:29,210
Unfortunately it is.
224
00:09:29,210 --> 00:09:30,150
The law is the law,
225
00:09:30,150 --> 00:09:33,180
and I'm just a messenger.
226
00:09:33,180 --> 00:09:35,300
So please don't shoot me.
227
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,530
Even though I'm the one
that's armed right now.
228
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,180
Alright.
(clearing throat)
229
00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:40,313
Sir.
230
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,454
Tres.
231
00:09:42,454 --> 00:09:43,287
In Espanol, they say tres.
232
00:09:43,287 --> 00:09:44,878
You are three, tres y tres.
233
00:09:44,878 --> 00:09:48,280
Alright, alright, alright, alright.
234
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,918
That's not good.
235
00:09:49,918 --> 00:09:50,751
No, that's not good at all.
236
00:09:50,751 --> 00:09:51,938
Three, three.
237
00:09:51,938 --> 00:09:53,680
That's a great battalion in
the Marine Corps, by the way.
238
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,700
Alright, let's see if we can
go four for four on this,
239
00:09:56,700 --> 00:09:59,350
and you're making the
highlight reel on ESPN tonight.
240
00:10:02,070 --> 00:10:04,570
Honest Abe, Honest Abe, be honest with--
241
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:05,910
You know what, sir?
242
00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:07,410
This one doesn't look too bad.
243
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,240
That's only gonna be 750 dollars,
244
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,073
just for the tires.
245
00:10:11,073 --> 00:10:12,450
That's not counting the air freshener,
246
00:10:12,450 --> 00:10:13,680
and the expired tags.
247
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,393
That's only gonna be about,
248
00:10:16,773 --> 00:10:19,630
1,200 dollars, that's not bad.
249
00:10:19,630 --> 00:10:21,050
I'm sure with your pay grade,
250
00:10:21,050 --> 00:10:23,390
you're gonna be just fine, sir.
251
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,441
Are you kidding me, Sargent?
252
00:10:26,441 --> 00:10:28,970
No, sir.
253
00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:30,063
I'm not kidding you.
254
00:10:31,118 --> 00:10:32,420
I'm not a jokester.
255
00:10:32,420 --> 00:10:33,360
My parents are German,
256
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:34,963
so I don't know how to joke.
257
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:37,977
Well, there is good news.
258
00:10:37,977 --> 00:10:40,740
All I have to do is cut you your ticket,
259
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,010
and you can be on your merry way.
260
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:43,870
Here you are, sir.
261
00:10:43,870 --> 00:10:46,750
Thank you, sir.
262
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:48,100
You're welcome, sir.
263
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:49,603
Sorry, there's also bad news.
264
00:10:50,690 --> 00:10:52,290
We are gonna have to impound your car
265
00:10:52,290 --> 00:10:53,670
for about three to four weeks.
266
00:10:53,670 --> 00:10:54,730
Shouldn't be a problem on your end.
267
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:57,350
I'm sure you can have a friend
drop you off at the gate.
268
00:10:57,350 --> 00:10:58,370
When they drop you off at base,
269
00:10:58,370 --> 00:10:59,950
you can either get another
friend to pick you up
270
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:00,970
and take you to your post,
271
00:11:00,970 --> 00:11:02,600
or you can,
272
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,890
well you can take that
little scooter right there,
273
00:11:03,890 --> 00:11:04,723
if you'd like.
274
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:08,713
Thanks.
275
00:11:08,713 --> 00:11:10,265
You're welcome, sir.
276
00:11:10,265 --> 00:11:11,098
Oh sir, I forgot.
277
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:16,570
It's base policy that you utilize a helmet
278
00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:19,983
while operating any motorized
or electrical vehicle.
279
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,180
Have a wonderful day, sir.
280
00:11:24,180 --> 00:11:25,013
Hoo-ah.
281
00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:34,218
[Adams] Whoa.
282
00:11:34,218 --> 00:11:35,051
Oh, whoa.
283
00:11:37,545 --> 00:11:40,628
(upbeat funky music)
284
00:12:18,290 --> 00:12:19,123
[Sargent Major] Sargent first class.
285
00:12:19,123 --> 00:12:19,956
At ease.
286
00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:21,958
[Sargent Major] Carry on.
287
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:22,791
Good afternoon, Sargent Major.
288
00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:23,624
Good afternoon.
289
00:12:24,530 --> 00:12:25,650
I want you to know you are doing
290
00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:26,910
an outstanding job.
291
00:12:26,910 --> 00:12:27,827
[Dean] I appreciate that, Sargent Major.
292
00:12:27,827 --> 00:12:29,630
You have exceeded our expectation.
293
00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:31,205
I'll continue to do sir, Sargent Major.
294
00:12:31,205 --> 00:12:32,100
[Sargent Major] We're gonna
put you up for an 8:00 a.m.
295
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,743
Thank you, Sargent Major.
296
00:12:33,743 --> 00:12:34,842
I look forward to
seeing you get promoted.
297
00:12:34,842 --> 00:12:36,373
Good fucking job.
298
00:12:46,670 --> 00:12:47,503
Yo Butts.
299
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:52,880
Yes, Sargent?
300
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:54,330
Listen, man.
301
00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:55,880
Thanks for making me look good.
302
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,380
Alright, I'll see you.
303
00:13:05,845 --> 00:13:08,290
Let this be a lesson to ya, Lawrence.
304
00:13:08,290 --> 00:13:10,363
The award system is bullshit.
305
00:13:12,522 --> 00:13:13,963
Just like birds.
306
00:13:24,383 --> 00:13:26,037
(bird chirping)
307
00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:29,120
(upbeat funky music)
20727
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