Original subtitles

[Music]

I was a

man who wasn't

grown. I needed

time to be

alone just to get my [ __ ] together and

to find out where my head was coming

from.

I've just

begun. I want to

be. I want to

know just like a

tree. I want to

grow. I want to live in this world of

ours and never think of anyone but me.

Growing

myself, I know that I'm okay. Growing

myself, getting better every day. Now I

see my life before me. Everyone will

just adore me. Cuz I'm

free, growing

myself to be me.

[Music]

Whoa. Where are you going? What's going

on? You're leaving me, Susan? Huh?

You're leaving me? But we're having

roast beef for dinner. I made up my

mind. You're going out into the world to

have a career.

I'm going where? And I'm going to change

my entire life. I need you to leave me,

Susan, so I can find out who I really

am. So I can grow. And you need you to

leave me so you can grow.

Huh? So you can find out who you really

are. But I thought I was me.

Hendersons are coming over tonight. I'll

phone them. Susan, by now most people

like us have been divorced at least once

or twice or maybe separated. I mean,

that's what marriage is all about. If

you don't leave me now, we could be

together until we die or something like

our parents.

Jason, I thought we were happy. Susan,

happiness doesn't make you happy.

Growing makes you happy. Oh,

my kids. What about my kids? They'll be

fine. I'll take real good care of them.

I'll make sure they're right. Susan, I'm

going to be a terrific mother.

[Music]

Bye, honey.

Listen kids, I want to talk to you. What

are we having for dinner? Where's mommy?

Your mommy had to go away. She had to

grow. She already is grow. No, honey.

She had to grow more. You see, people

are like food. And mommy was Well, she

wasn't like a hamburger, a can of peas.

No. See, kids, people should be like

nice, beautiful fruits. Mommy had to go

away so she could be a peach or a plum.

Right now, she's more like a potato.

Mommy's a potato. Can we have French

fries for dinner? So, now I'm going to

do everything that mama used to

do. What did she used to do? She made us

dinner. Okay, let's set the table.

Jeffrey, you get the dishes. Have some

dinner. Okay, let's see what we have

here. Aha, chicken. Think I'm going to

get you kids off red meat. It's bad for

your birthday. Just going to cook this

old bird up like this

here. And get started. How about

veggies? Veggies are great. I love

veggies. This looks good.

Mhm. How's everyone doing?

Okay, tomatoes. Peppers. We got peppers.

Everyone all right over there? Some

tomatoes.

Yeah, I think we may have a problem

here.

Now, look at it this way, kids. The fire

is burning away our past lives. Excuse

me. You the owner? Yeah. You step over

here for a second, kids. Watch the fire.

I'll be right back. Shane, well, you

still got a nice piece of land there.

You couldn't save any of the house.

Jeez, I'm sorry. Actually, this is my

first fire. I'm still getting the hang

of it. I used to be in real estate, but

I I found I wasn't growing as a person,

so I became a fireman. I know what you

mean. I guess you're going to be needing

a new place. There's nothing left here.

Perfect. I still keep my listings. I I

figure that when a victim's house burns

down, he's got to live somewhere. Yeah.

Daddy. Daddy. Goodbye. I'm going for a

ride on fire truck. One second. Okay.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll

only charge you half the fee. Perfect. I

got a lovely two-bedroom on West 57th

Street. No, I need something bigger.

I've got the kids. Yeah. Okay. Well, I I

How would you like a fully furnished

eight room rent controlled apartment on

a high floor overlooking Central Park on

79th? I'll take it. Oh boy, you kids are

going to love Manhattan. Got the theater

and art galleries. Have you ever been to

an auction at Park Bernet? Dad, we're

hungry. We haven't eaten anything since

we lost the chicken.

How about some clams? Here comes the

surprise I've been telling you about.

Does that look great? This is the best

surprise in the world. Okay, now I'm

going to show you how this is done. Take

a little lemon, squeeze the juice over

it, just like so. Then you take a little

of the cocktail sauce and mix it in with

the horseradish. M. Mix it up real good

and smear it on. Now, my favorite

Tabasco sauce. You kids ever had Tabasco

sauce? And here we go. Ready? Here we

go. Ah. Okay. Now, everyone get started.

Josh, down the hatch. Come on, Judy. Get

started. All right, Jeffrey. Now, I'm

going to help you. Little lemon. Little

lemon. Like that. Mix in the cocktail

and horseeradish. Judy, how you doing?

Good, huh? M. Great. Right in. Little

Tabasco. Just a touch. Okay. Great. Now

pick her

up. Here we

go. Good. Good. Good. Oh, good. Great.

Jeffrey, chew. Chew. Great. Right.

Terrific.

Morning ladies. Beautiful day today. How

you doing, Tom?

Morning, Mr. Hoopa. Morning, Carlos.

Come in, Jason. Arnold, if you got a

second, I've got to discuss something of

paramount importance. Nice suit. You

going jogging? What is it, Jason? Huh?

Arnold, I quit. Now, wait a second. I I

know what you're going to say, so hear

me out on this cuz I've given it a lot

of thought. Now, corporate law just

isn't enough for me anymore. And

sometimes a man has to stop being

himself so he can find out who he is. I

know. I know. Stopping being yourself is

starting being someone else. And I want

that someone else to be me.

I'm quitting, too. Excuse me. I'm moving

to Alaska. The trapped beaver.

Beaver. Arnold. Bye-bye, Jay.

[Music]

Beaver,

trees, plants. That's what I'll do.

[Music]

Hello. Can I help you? Oh, here. Oh,

okay. Yeah, one sec. Uh, you okay? Uh,

come on. Come on in. Is what seems to be

the trouble? Um, well, I I I got up this

morning and I I was running a little

late for work, you know, and the plants

were making all these demands and

screaming to be watered, you know, and

uh I recently broke up with my

boyfriend, so I've been a little bit on

edge anyway, and I just

uh you hit it. Yeah, I wait. Are you

telling me that you beat your plants?

Listen, it is not all my fault. I mean,

I come from a very long line of plant

batterers, and they they warned me that

this could happen. I've been under a lot

of stress and uh yeah, one sec, Josh.

Okay, honey. I have to get the phone.

Why don't you wait in there? Take your

phone. I'll be right with you. I don't

know. I don't I don't think you should

give this to me. I It'll be okay. It'll

be okay. Just wait in there and I'll I'm

just going to talk to my son. I want to

get the phone. Okay. Don't be long. I

don't think you should leave me alone.

No. No. You'll be okay. You'll be fine.

I'll be right there. Hurry up.

Hi.

Hi. My dad will be right with you.

Yeah. Oh, how are you doing?

Huh? No.

No. Well, um, I don't want you to work

too hard. I mean, I want you to save

some of that for me.

Help. Huh? What? Help. Who's that?

Jeffrey, I'm lost.

Jeffrey. Okay, Jeffrey. Uh, now don't

panic. Uh, stay right here. All right,

Jeffrey. Now, keep talking to me. Talk

to me so so I know where you are. Okay.

All right. Get out of the way. All

right, Jeffrey, talk to me. Are you

there? Yeah. Okay. Well, now tell me

what grade you're in. First grade. One

of my favorites. Get your leaves off of

me. All right. Okay. Don't panic. Don't

fear here. Ah. All right. I see you. I

got you. Grab hold. Grab hold. Just got

to show these guys who's boss. That's

all. All right. Hold on. Hold. All

right. Daylight. I'm seeing daylight.

All right, Jeffrey. We're almost there.

I see the couch. Okay. We're coming up

to the couch. All right. Okay. All

right. Don't panic. Are you all right?

Are you all right? Okay. All right.

Okay. Please stop that.

No, no. Josh, can't you see I'm busy?

Yeah, I know. Hold on. Daddy, can I have

the keys to the car? Josh, can't you see

that I'm

involved? Hold on, baby. Okay. All

right. Look, don't be like your sister.

Okay, come back, cute kid. No, not you.

My son.

H No. Huh? Yeah. Listen. Uh, yes. This

evening dinner. Uh-huh. La Petit

Porchon.

Go easy on the wine, Will. You're only

14 years old. You look kind of tired.

What have you been doing?

Thank you very much.

Oh, wow. What a

day. Three shootings, Avdon, Scabulo in

the morning. Then I had this real dork

all afternoon. Must have taken a million

rolls of film for this one stupid

perfume ad. Liza, I need you. You're

very important to me. I know. You've got

innocence and wisdom. You accept me for

what I am. You're like uh you're like a

child.

You mean I'm a 14-year-old bimbo?

Uh no. Uh age has nothing to do with it.

Look, I can show you a whole new world.

Like old uh Rockford files and sushi.

Oh, yeah.

How boring.

Uh well then uh maybe you'd like to

um see the Pavarati concert.

There's a fast find a double feature

playing downtown. No [ __ ] Still well.

There's a Kiss concert at the garden.

Give me a break. Jason Lisa, what do you

want to do?

Liza, I'll tell you. You got to

understand what I've been going through.

Sometimes this happens to guys like me

at times like this. I've had it with

guys like you.

We would have done better seeing that

Fastbinder flick. But I'm going to be

much better. I'm going to be fantastic.

Probably had too much wine to drink.

My life is all messed up. You're

kidding.

You know, I think I'm going to make my

parents send me to a Catholic school.

And then I could go to a secretarial

college. And then I could get a job. And

then I could get married. And I could

have kids.

Come on, Liza. Where you going?

Jason, let's face it. You're imputent.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Infinite coming.

Hello, Jason. Susan, sorry to barge in

on you like this, but I only have a

minute. Uh, you want to come in? It's

all right. I just wanted to come by and

tell you that you were right about

changing and growing myself. You look

fantastic. Yes, I've done quite well in

business. As a matter of fact, I'm

president of Union Carbine. Well, there

you go. You see, that's what happens

when you really want to do what you have

to do, whether you want to or not. Yeah.

I just have this natural flare for

running major chemical corporations.

Can't help it. Yeah, but I haven't

forgotten you and your needs, Jason.

Yeah, that's why I want you to have my

baby. Huh?

[Music]

So, I made a little

mistake. Forgot to bring my diaphragm to

the OPEC conference in Caracus last

summer. Susan couldn't get an abortion.

Jason, you know how it is when you're a

top level executive. There's no time.

My god, I've got to make this flight to

Geneva. You know how the Swiss are about

time. Tell the kids. All right. I

haven't heard from Josh or Jennifer

lately.

I I'll Yeah. Mhm. Okay. Bye, Susan.

What's its name? Is it a boy, girl, or

what? Name? Susan. Its name? Susan?

What's it? Uh,

Susan. Ah, Susan. Come on. How can I

have a kid? I don't know what it name

is. So the

night what's it

[Applause]

[Music]

name?

Hey. Hey. What's it

name? Hey, you forgot to tell me that

kid's name. Oh. Oh god. Oh jeez. I don't

know. Uh, if it's a boy, I guess I like

the name Adam. But if it's a girl, well,

I guess I like the name Rachel. I don't

know, though. That was my grandmother's

name. She always wanted to be named

Sarah. So, how do you know? You know

what was your grandmother's name? Mine's

Diana. It's yours David. You look like a

David. No, it's Jason. But I I think I

I'd be willing to change it. Sure. Let's

uh keep it down there. You want to come

out for tea? I got to find out what kind

of kid I got.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

Boy, you probably think I'm some kind of

one ton [ __ ]

Oh, no. Oh, I'm a much bigger person

than that. I think it's beautiful that

you're here. Just let me put a little

mood music

[Music]

on. Ah, that's my kids. I'll be right

back.

I think you're going to like this one.

Yeah.

Well, uh, I'm I'm like various people.

Uh, I'm a cat person. I think it's

really great that we can get to share

this experience

together. I I'm a book person. Oh, I am

a visual person. I'm feeling really good

about myself. Now, that's what I call a

movie. I don't know what you've got

against seeing this again. This was

boring. You can't get enough of that

fast binder. Fantastic. Extraordinary.

We're going. We're going. Listen, I

think I I think I love you. Uh, listen.

What do we uh call a cab right now?

Sure. Come on. I'll get a cab. Let's go.

Let's get Come on. We're going to get a

cab.

Run over. What? Come on. We're not going

to get run over.

Taxi. Not here. Hi. Can you take Jeffree

right now? Just take him. Yeah. Yeah,

sure. Hey, hey, hey, out there in the

street. Now, look, I want you to be

quiet, okay? Because if I'm going to

take care of you, you got to be quiet.

Half a kid who rams on and on. Let him

go. Hold it for now. We'll get him fast

this way.

Going to get run over. Not going to get

run over.

Get on fast this way. We're going taxi.

I got to go.

I'm so happy. Oh, I know you're happy.

What about me? I thought you were happy.

Jason, you've got to give me the freedom

to be unsure of myself. And you've got

no right to be sure that you're happy

when I'm not sure that I'm happy.

Oh, yeah. I understand what you mean.

Uh, maybe we should call it quits. I

mean, we have been seeing each other for

two whole days.

Fine, I'll go get the door.

Is my husband in?

Jason, it's your wife.

Hi, Jason. Well, hello again, Susan. I'm

going back to school. Great. I'm going

to Berkeley to get my masters in urban

reproductive recycling. Terrific. I'm

ready to raise the kids again. You know,

I'm ready for a change myself.

Good. So, where's Josh and

Jeffrey? And where's Jennifer? Jennifer,

mommy's back. Uh, we uh think she may be

somewhere in Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

Jason, where are my kids? Well, to tell

you the truth, uh, I'm not really sure,

but I think they may be out uh um

finding themselves, you know, growing

growing. They're out growing. But, uh,

they'll be fine. I'm sure they're going

to be terrific. And, uh, the baby's

still here. And Judy's still here. Judy.

Judy, come on in here.

Oh, hi, Mom. Judy, my baby. Guess what?

We're going to California. Uh, did you

say you were heading for Berkeley? Can I

catch a ride with you just as far as

Boulder? Sure. Oh, I hear Boulder,

Colorado is going to be the next

videotape capital of America. Well,

goodbye, Jason. Goodbye, Jason.

Goodbye, Daddy.

[Music]

Susan. Susan, just a second. Yeah. I

I've just decided I'm not happy with

plans. Uh, I'm going to run for the

Senate, so I'm going to need a kid.

Preferably one that can talk for

interviews. Uh, it's going to be good

for my image. I'll take Judy. I like

Judy. I'll flip you for. Are you crazy?

No. Come on. I'll flip you for crazy.

I'll flip you for Susan. Taking a chance

is uh it's part of growing.

All right. Uh change. Excuse me, sir. Do

you have a coin? Uh we want to flip for

our daughter.

[Music]

I got a quarter. Great. Give it right

back. Ready? Here we go.

Hence

[Music]

growing. I know that I'm okay. Growing

myself, getting better every day. Now I

see my life before me. Everyone will

just adore me. Cuz I'm

free. Growing

myself to be me.

[Music]

Going to the movies. Double features.

Going to the movie. Creepy creature.

Going to the movie. Oh, plantation.

Going to the movies. Exploitation.

Going to the movies. Going to zap that

crow. Going to the movies till our

brains fall out.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

It seems like it was only a few days ago

when it started. In fact, it was only a

few days ago. I was just out of college,

but I couldn't get a job. I was

desperate, ready to do anything to

survive. You know, these guys really

slay me. All I could get for you was 50

bucks for the night. But don't worry

about it. They're big business people,

honchos. They'll be very good for your

career. Besides, you'll get big tits. I

mean, big

tips. Doesn't that kill you? That's why

MC my own gigs. I'm a humorist.

Thank you. Okay. Yeah. See you there.

All right.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Get the fell off.

[Music]

Mazzo Dazzle. Hey. Hey. Hey. And here's

that sweet treat y'all been waiting for.

Here's M Derek.

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Look at that.

[Music]

You're right

here. You're a genius.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

Come

on. Is this your idea?

[Music]

You are a genius.

Give it to

me. Look at that. Look at that. Wow.

Hey, let's have a butter bang. A what? A

butterbang.

Butterbang. Butterbang. Butterbang. All

right. Butterbang. Yes. All right. All

right.

No, no, please. No, don't. No.

Walter Steel and his dairy executive

friends taught me a brutal lesson. A

lesson that would change my life

forever. I learned what a butterbang

was. My innocence had been broken by a

harmless stick of butter. And I vowed to

break the men who broke me.

[Music]

Good morning, Paul Everest. I'm

Dominique Corsair. I've been waiting for

you. Excuse me, miss. Sure. We'll uh do

the mail later.

Are you sure, Paul?

Well, Dominic um Corsair

Dominic Corsair, what can I do for you?

Teach me

margarine. I want to know everything

there is to know about margarine.

Everything? Is that all? My dear child,

margarine is a ruthless industry. It's

no place for a woman.

But you've never met a woman like me.

Joyce. Yes, sir. I'm interviewing Mr.

Corer. Please hold on to my clothes.

Yes, sir.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

Welcome to Hong Kong, Mr. Yes, you. Nice

to see you. This is my associate, Miss

Corsair. Miss Corsair, welcome to Hong

Kong. We have a presentation for you.

Oh.

The excitement of my introduction to

margarine was so thick you could cut it

with a knife. Oh, it's fascinating. Oh,

yes, I know. I

know. It's almost impossible to believe

that it was once the mere byproduct of

the lowly, pitiful soybean.

That's unbelievable. Yes, I know.

My darling, this way.

No longer an insignificant little bean.

A wholesome and nutritious food stuff

known all over the world. Ideal for all

forms of cooking and baking. Delicious

in sandwiches. Perfect for snacks and on

toast. I'm sorry. I get all carried

away.

Someday,

somehow, we'll have an answer to the

most critical question of our time. Can

we make a margarine that tastes better

than butter? We will, darling. We will.

This document is perfectly legal.

The new president and chief executive

officer of Everest

Margarine is Dominic Corsair.

Dominique, thank you,

gentlemen. Everest margarine has many

new worlds to conquer and many new

frontiers to explore. And I think I need

some new clothes. So, if you'll excuse

me,

My condolences to the immediate

family. I missed Paul. We'd shared many

wonderful minutes together, but he was

dead, and I needed someone to help me

gain my revenge.

Congratulations, Miss

Corsair. My name is Jeff Steel. I'm here

representing the butter industry. And

now that poor Mr. Everest is gone, I

thought that the industries could learn

to live together.

Why not?

Hello.

I did it. You did what? I did it. I did

it. My father had this deadly Amazon

Indian blow gun that shoots poison

darts. It was over in seconds. I got him

while he was eating dessert. Now we can

merge. Butter and margarine, you and me.

Don't be a fool. I have no intention of

merging with anyone. This conversation

is being taped. The police should be

there any minute. You're kidding. I know

you're only kidding. You don't mean

that. Dammy, you can't do this to me.

You're a coldblooded murderer,

Jeffy. Stop calling me Dammy.

Dominique

murderer. Me.

Yeah. For

us. I love

her. I love her. That's right. Don't

heard

[Music]

me.

[Music]

Peter, now I wanted to break the butter

[Music]

bit. I was now ready to meet Nixos

Nooxos, the wealthiest Greek tycoon on

Earth.

I am Knoxus and it's my son Nikki Yasu.

I am Mrs. Knoxus. I am Dominique

Corsair and I don't like your shoes.

[Laughter]

Dominic Corsair, what a woman you

are. Come wheat. I have

eaten. But first, I must change.

Knox owns everything. Oil, shipping,

medals. You see these little silver nail

clippers? Knos owns them.

That's not why I'm here. Knox, you are

here because you own the butter. And

because you own every Greek coffee shop

in the free world. Oh, we will do

business.

Maxos, but I'm taking butter off the

market. From now on, you'll serve

nothing but margarm.

[Applause]

[Laughter]

What a woman you are. Dominic

Corsair, come. We break things.

[Applause]

Darling, come Dominic Corser. We dance.

[Music]

What? What? What? When dances, the gods

[Music]

dance. What is that? Oh.

[Music]

Come Dominic Corsair, we go to Rome and

make

[Music]

love.

[Music]

Amen. You may not kiss the

bride. I got to know Nooxo's wife and

his son, Nicholas. Nicholas was

throbbing violently on the brink of

manhood. Helena was a woman scorned.

[Laughter]

[Music]

I knew Nooxos would soon discard me the

way he discarded Helena.

I had to avenge myself in advance. This

thing we have done. Is it wrong? Mother,

I'm not your mother, Nicholas. But you

married my father. Mother? Yes. But

you're not my son. Your father's other

wife is your mother. You are your

mother's son. All I know is that is that

I love you and that I want you to marry

me. Mother, I'm not your mother,

Nicholas. My husband, your wife, your

son. What is this? What is this?

I have made love with your son, my

husband. But you are my wife. Helena is

your wife. I am your other wife. I am

sorry, father. She is my mother. My wife

is also your mother,

son.

Why? Why do you do this? Because I

wanted to. You wanted to? I wanted to.

Only I, Knox, can make love to my own

son. I am Greek. But now I cannot. It's

ruined.

I will kill

you. No, I cannot kill you. I love

you. I will kill you. No, no, no,

no. I may still want to make love to you

later. You're my

son. No must kill someone. Who?

[Music]

I will kill your mother.

You me, you wound me. You embit my

heart. You taught me. You wounded me.

You tortured me forever.

Wife, your son has made love to my

wife. Someone must die for

this. You are the only one we could

think of.

I have done

[Laughter]

it. What have I done?

Knox was convicted of murder. His final

request was to be executed on his

private golf course in Monte Carlo.

I inherited the vast empire of Nixos

Nakos. Any ordinary college graduate

would have been happy. But I still yearn

for something money and power couldn't

buy.

Go on, Dr. Kleiner. As you know, I've

been experimenting with margarine in my

laboratories. Yesterday, by mistake, I

brought some experimental margarine to

my mother in the hospital. Oh, is

something wrong? She has cancer.

She is 107 years

old. There is in her room by her bed a

color television set. The color

television tube eradated the

experimental marine before she ate

it. Today I went back to see her. She

was laughing and singing and dancing all

around the room and she had the strength

to pick up a bed and throw it at the

nurse. She is cured. You mean

if people will only eat our margarine or

watch television, cancer will be cured.

Then Corsair Industries has found a cure

for

cancer. Thank you, Dr. Kleiner. Peter

Shen,

that'll be all. Dr. Kleiner, you're

Would this bring the happiness that had

eluded me for a day and a half?

A few hours ago, the world had no cure

for cancer. Now, thanks to Marge, we do.

It is with sincere pride that I accept

this most coveted award in Western

civilization, the Nobel Prize. And I

thank you for awarding it to me out of

season.

All America is so proud of you,

Dominique. Thank you, Mr. President. If

it wouldn't be too much to ask, I would

certainly like a sample of your cancer

cure for my mother. I'd be most happy to

give you anything you want, Mr.

President.

[Music]

Mr. President, Senator Edmonston, you're

looking good. Congratulations on your

latest marriage. And this must be the

little woman. It must be wonderful being

president.

Uh, you remember my wife, the first

lady, of course. Hello. Pleasure.

Pleasure. How do you do? How do you do?

This is our guest of honor, Dominique

Corsair. Welcome.

Hello.

Well, old Washington is delighted to

give this party in your honor. You're a

fantastic woman. Good evening. Thank

you, Mrs. First Lady. Hello. Uh when you

have a moment, I'd like a word with you.

Ah, I have the second dance free. Your

husband and I have to do the first one

for the photographers, you know. Good

evening. How nice to see

[Music]

you. See my husband look more relaxed. I

want him to be happy. And you, Lucille,

are you happy? Yes. Yes, I am. I feel

happy with you. And I with you.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of

the United States, his wife and his

girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen of the

press, please be

seated. It's good to see you all here

once again. You all know my wife,

Lucille, our first lady.

At this time she has an announcement of

some national importance.

Ladies and

gentlemen, I have come to a decision

which I believe will aid my husband in

becoming the

greatest president the United States has

ever had and in turn will help our

country to realize its destiny of

greatness.

I have

decided that it is my duty to relinquish

my role as wife of the president and

first lady and to yield those honors and

responsibilities

to to his girlfriend Dominique Corsair,

the woman I love. Thank you.

Three days ago, I was a lonely college

graduate without a job, without love,

without money, without

success. And now I am the most powerful

woman in the

world. But am I really

happy? Damn right I'm happy.

[Music]

[Applause]

Going to the movies. Real life drama.

Going to the movies.

[Music]

Going to the movies. Spooky thriller.

Going to the movies. Psycho

killer. Going to the movies. Singing in

a ring. Going to the movies till we go

insane.

Smog killer in the smog. A dirty cloak

of pollution that shrouds the foul

activities of criminals and hampers the

swift vengeance of the

Ah, can you make

me old copies of this

right away? These old comics, they were

great. The new ones, they stink. Nothing

in real life ever happens. Is that

exciting? Me 12 copies of this.

Now, your driver's license. Yes, please.

What do you got? 12 cards? No, no, no,

no, no, no.

Uh, the bank turned me down for a

vacation loan. For a vacation? See? So,

I've decided to brutally murder a bunch

of women to

uh settle the score. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, I thought I'd

leave a Xerox copy of my driver's

license

with my picture and everything. Sounds

pretty psycho to me.

Okay, gentlemen.

Okay, Jent. Come on. Will you kindly do

me the honor of gracing this briefing

room with your presence? Come on,

everybody. Sit down, will you? What do

you mean I never read? I've been on the

force 22 years. And I've come to the

conclusion that people are [ __ ] You

want to talk about [ __ ] pal? Let's talk

about the goddamn legal system. You call

this?

Life's a real piece of [ __ ] huh? Oh,

no.

Mine's not. My life's pretty darn good.

Wait, you've been here a couple of

shitty months.

Hey,

Nurserki. Stan

Nurserki. I'm Brent Falcone, your new

partner.

I think it's Flash Gordon.

My wife divorced me, then she died. I'll

tell you about it sometime. Okay,

gentlemen.

I suppose you've all heard about the

driver's license killer. The guy who

puts a Xerox copy of his driver's

license and the bodies of all the women

he's murdered. Any of you guys got any

leads? Too much trouble. Any clues? You

got two of ideas? Anything?

Yes. Officer Fona.

Officer Brent Falcone.

Why don't we just get his name and

address off his driver's license? Did

you hear this guy? He's a wizard. He's

beautiful. This young officer here

apparently thinks this is a picture show

in the theater.

This is real life. Felon, walk into the

DA's office with evidence like that.

There'll [ __ ] in your holster.

Be excused. I got to take a [ __ ]

All right, everybody. I guess that's it.

Let's hit the streets.

I traded in our patrol car for a videape

machine.

cuz I walk the goddamn gas station.

Uh

[Music]

Oh, look over there. Look at that man.

He looks like he's not feeling very

well. Stan, can I get out and see if he

needs any help? I don't give a damn. Who

cares?

[Music]

This is

exciting. Woo.

How you doing, pal? How does it look

like I'm doing, man? Wow. This is

fantastic.

You're my first confrontation. Yeah,

lucky me.

Say, what do you got for uh They

wouldn't fill my prescription. No.

No. Well, what's it for? Cough drops.

Cough drops.

I woke up this

morning. I think it was this morning,

but it could have been a couple of weeks

ago. But I woke up this morning. Poor

fella. Listen, you better come with me.

I don't know when it was because I woke

up a lot, you know. Yeah, me too. Okay.

What are you doing?

Ow. Ooh. Ow. Too tight. Yeah, that that

hurts.

Well, maybe we have some lotion in the

car. Yeah, that'll be real nice. You're

a good guy.

Here we go. Uh, excuse me, sir. Here.

Let's go this way. Hey, Stan. I made an

arrest. What about my dog? What kind of

dog is it? A blue dog. Blue dog? Stan,

we better find this kind of dog. I don't

think it'll be very hard to find the

hell with this dog. It's a glue dog.

There aren't many glue dogs around.

That's for sure. Comfortable?

No.

So

anyway, I got my masters in social

welfare and at the same time I got real

active with the World Health Fund. I

also work with the International

Symphony Guild on weekends. You know

what we're doing? We're sending 10,000

local Mexican kids to a 2 week symphony

camp in Mexico City where they can learn

music in a real Mexican setting. Isn't

that wonderful? Fine. Fine.

Fine. Now, I'm going to give you the

first of Neurski's laws. Never throw

water on a sleeping junkie.

What are you doing for? I'm wet. I'm

wet. We scar the [ __ ] out of me, bro.

I'm wet. I'm wet. Look, we have a Oh,

I'm sorry. We have a niner, seven niner,

Caucasian, 5' 3 in, thrashing, squilling

female being thrown out of a car. Stan,

they're killing that girl. [ __ ] that.

Let's go over to Sunset and talk to some

[ __ ] She's in the street,

Falcone. Now, I'm going to give you my

law number two.

Never investigate anything where you

might possibly have to get out of the

car.

Where's my dog?

I I got this dog, you know, who is

really messed up because he was doing

some animal tranquilizer or something

like that.

Really? Yeah. And when I got

up, I reached over to smack my dog. No.

Yeah. Because when I get

up, I like to smack them. I went whack,

you know.

And that's that's not nice. My dog got

really pissed off.

and he ran in the bedroom and he put

some Ajax in my syringe and [ __ ] me

up, right? So, uh I may not be too high

right now, but

uh I'm

clean. Flake out, Mac. Flake out.

Nurski's law number three. Always call

the car a vehicle around horse. They get

off on that. Good evening, ladies. Want

to step over to the vehicle, please?

What's new, girls? I was stabbed in the

leg by an aircraft mechanic. I'm sorry.

Some creep went and killed Stacy. Left

the Xerox of his driver's license right

on a face. Man, that was weird. Stan,

nice talking to you girls. We'll see you

around. Be careful. Bye-bye.

8 9 Tenner. 8 9 Tenner. 8 9 Tener. 89

Tenner. What am I doing?

I'm going to hit the flashers. Okay.

Help yourself. This is

fantastic. I can't tell you how excited

I am to be riding with you. I'm glad

you're excited, but you know, I I don't

want to say anything, but you could be a

little boring. You know, really, I like

your enthusiasm, but you're boring. Then

turn the damn flashers off.

You know, he's right, man. You are

boring. You're a real dragon. I said

flank out. Yeah. Okay, man. Good night.

Good night. Good

night. Good night. Good night, man. I

like

you. Am I drag?

What? Am I really boring? Nah, you're

you're okay. It's just that he's a pain

in the ass.

Don't you think you're too hard on the

fella? I said he's a pain in the ass.

At least I'm not boring.

Well, don't be too sure.

Code 412. Code 412. Breakin Sunset

Boulevard. Corner gardener. Freedom

guitar.

Negi's law number four. Never go near a

music store that's been cut into with a

settling torch.

[Music]

Hey man, get out of my face.

I didn't I didn't mean to be in your

face. Um, why don't we just pop over to

my house, look around the garage. I'll

bet we could rig up a set of drums just

for you.

[Applause]

Stan, a little kid shot me.

Oh boy.

Oreos. Devil cream.

Did you see that?

Things weren't always this bad, Falcone.

Back in the old days, people respected

cops. The ones that didn't, we busted

their ribs and locked them

up. But

today, it's a [ __ ] joke out there.

Can't convict them. Can't arrest them.

As long as they don't come between me

and my chilly dog to hell with them. I

still think somebody's got to care.

Excuse me for interrupting your lunch.

Officer Brent Falcone

here. If any of you would would like to

talk about this, I just want you to

know, I'm here to listen.

Well, it's like I was talking. I mean,

this is not my order.

Code

99. Hold

on. Code

666. Hey, somebody wants you to go to

413 Chandler and try to arrest Samuel

Starkman. aka driver's license killer

considered armed and has a lawyer.

Who are here? 4013 Chandler.

Uh Mr. Starkman.

Samuel Starkman. This is the

police. I can't touch the cop ass. I got

a lawyer. I'm sick and tired of my

client being harassed and heckled by the

police and I am temping for every nickel

I got. Take my wife, please. I know that

guy. I take my wife everywhere, but she

finds a way home. I said to my wife,

"Where do you want to go for your

anniversary?" She said, "I want to go

somewhere I've never been before." He

said, "Try the kitchen."

Hey, Stan. What do we do? You heard him.

The guy's got a lawyer.

Stan, looks like a 211 in

there. You better call for backup.

I'll go one the bystanders. One of those

mothers could be in on it, Falcone, and

blow your face away. I've got to try.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Please move back.

Move back. Somebody could get hurt.

Please move back.

Excuse

me. Excuse me.

Hi honey. I've been shot again.

[Music]

Honey,

Brent, I'm leaving

you. Look at

you. Look at

me. Look at your son. Look at the dog.

It's not just the dog, Brent. Cats all

up and down the neighborhood are being

handcuffed by your son.

I don't know who you are anymore.

Do you see what's happening to us?

Look at this. Look at this. You're

starting to wear all the same ugly

bargain basement garbage the other

offduty cops wear.

You ever see yourself in that stuff? You

look like a cop. And look at me. I don't

want to wear blue anymore. You know

that,

Brent. Goodbye,

Stanley. Huh? We got a guy here. He's

got a hot tip on the driver's license.

Hot tip. I'll give you a hot tip. Turn

off your herinade anytime a stoolie

wants to sell you something. Six to one.

He's trying to sell you down the river.

No, no, no, Stan. This guy's on the

level. I'm telling you, he's not just

trying to make a deal. Come on, Sam.

He's in the interrogation room. This a

waste of time. You're going to be proud

of me. I think we cracked this one.

Yeah, I'm proud enough of you. I don't

need this.

He calls

himself Mousie. No kidding.

also known as Marvin Jerome, Milton

James, Mark Lejong, smalltime chisler,

con man likes to expose himself to

household pets.

What's new, Mousie? I'm straight.

Gorski, this is strictly legit. Know

that psycho? He came into my

photocopying shop last week. He came

back again today. Thanks. No, I only

smoke. Oh, I'm sorry.

I think that psycho is ready to strike

again. You do? That's an interesting

theory, Marci. He wanted a dozen more

copies of that driver's license I made

for him last week.

I said, "No way, pal. You ain't getting

nothing." And then he said he's going to

start murdering women again this

afternoon. Maple and

Chandler.

Excuse me. What? I'm officer Brent

Falconei.

May I see some identification, please? I

give you a copy of my driver's license.

Okay.

Damn it.

Can I help you?

Thank you.

[Applause]

You're going to have to come with me.

Where are you going?

You're innocent until proven

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

guilty. Buckle up.

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Applause]

Woo!

Wow! What a trip.

[Music]

How about we grab a sandwich? My

[Music]

treat. Get a hold of yourself. Get a

hold of yourself.

Don't try anything funny.

I know how to handle this thing.

Sure you do. Hey, Brent, you better

watch out, man. That guy is nuts. He's

whacked out. He does a lot of dope.

You play?

Uh, don't try anything funny.

Classical or pop?

folk probably.

That's great. So do I. Yeah.

What's your favorite song? I don't

know. Lots of things.

Um, do you know feelings?

Oh boy. Sit down. Listen to

this.

Feelings. Nothing more than feelings.

[Music]

Trying to forget

my feelings of love.

[Music]

team.

[Music]

You

know, I hear they got a pretty good band

up in the state

prison. What do you say I just come up

and visit with you? We could jam

together.

Yeah.

I know about guys like

you. Somewhere along the line, you took

a wrong turn.

All you need is a a little support, a

little direction. You'll be back doing

your own thing. Maybe you'll even have

your own band.

Feelings. Oh my

[Music]

feelings.

Meanwhile, I'd be happy to keep an eye

on your place. You know, water the

plants, get a cleaning lady in every

once in a while. It's really no sweat.

Hey, just leave me an extra set of keys

in the

kitchen. That

is if you can trust a

cop. If I can trust a

cop. If I can trust a cop.

I can't trust no cops. I can't trust no

cops. I can't trust no cops.

[Music]

You shouldn't have done that, Mrs.

Darkman.

That does it. That does it. What do I

have to do to get through to you guys?

Huh? I mean, what the [ __ ] do I have to

do? I go around busting my balls for

you. Huh? This is what I get. Will you

get

this? Where do we go wrong? Huh? Your

mommy didn't give you enough love. Let

me give you some love. Here's some

love. Want a little more love? All

right. Do you believe this guy stand? I

was going to take care of his place. I

was going to look after

him. I was even going to give him a job

at the band. But you don't [ __ ]

deserve no job with the band, man. You

probably couldn't even play for [ __ ]

You know that? You couldn't even What's

up for [ __ ] Your singing sucks. You

know that? It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

It really sucked.

[Music]

[Music]

Hi. Hi, Brent.

[Music]

Oh, hey kid. Ah, don't take it so hard.

Everybody shoots somebody

sometime. It's a cop's life.

Car 7-Eleven. A 1211 family dispute at

7-Eleven 1211 12th Street. You

understand the reason you have

[Applause]

express your anger. Get it out.

It's your turn, Stan.

What?

It's your turn.

My turn. I've got seniority. I don't

give a [ __ ] Oh, come on. Get out of the

car. What?

Get out of the [ __ ] car. I want you

to help me.

All right.

All right. You got it, baby. Give me my

cap. Come on.

[Music]

Twit.

Cony's law number one.

Leters do it. Let your anger out. Will

you let it out? And you got to show

people that you can

All right. Break it up. Break it up.

Hey, don't shoot me. I'm here to help

you. Oh, okay.

[Music]

Wow. Somebody woke me up. I hate cops

that go on and get involved.

Guys, like that just don't seem fair.

I think I'm I'm coming on to some acid I

did in 1967.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Wow. Heat.

[Applause]

Heat. Heat.