Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds.

What kind of stank strain you brewin' over there?

You want to see how ours match up?

I'll throw down.

Crick Montgomery, ma'am.

He's from a tobacco company.

You're phenomenally gifted, but your talents are being wasted at Smith Johnson.

I think we can offer you a heck of a lot more.

I'd love to see the labs.

Funny thing. There are no labs. We're underground.

There's basically just this cardboard box and a sack full of money

sitting in an offshore bank account.

Douglas S. Wilson Foundation.

You have to take whoever comes in. DSS will be checking.

Jesus.

Wanna ride?

- You're tickling my foot. - I'm not touching your foot.

- Where's my gun? - This one's for Ice Pick.

Double-blueberry tall stack, extra blueberries.

I didn't order blueberries.

Yeah, but they're in season. You don't want to miss 'em.

Andrew Botwin and Joanna Jacobs.

LaPlante Industries?

You needed a name. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

What if I wanted to name our fake company?

What would you have named it?

Silation Productions.

'Cause that's what you do? You Silate the plants?

I do. I Silate the shit out of them.

Only after they've been "LaPlanted."

Thanks for your patience.

We need to check the balance on an account.

LaPlante Industries. it was just opened yesterday. Remotely.

- Account number? - One sec.

Yeah.

I have Smints. No?

There was one deposit made yesterday. Here is your balance.

Well, here it goes. Threshold.

- This is the entry. - Okay.

Would you like a full tour, wife?

Wife? Wow, we haven't even made it official yet.

Well, that could be rectified immediately. I love your priorities.

Stairs are right over...

There. Status updated.

Status updated?

I'm officially married now. Wow, this is so real.

First "Like."

Okay, come on, 'cause you have to meet my roommates.

Can I expect that all the time, or is this a particularly good day?

Both.

You know, I think my head's in an anthill.

We could have moved.

No, you know what, it actually added to the experience.

Maybe you can expand on that after lunch.

All right.

Anything kosher in the bag?

Shit, I totally forgot. Shit.

It's okay, it's all right.

The cheese hasn't touched the prosciutto, it's Camembert.

And crackers and grapes.

It sounds delicious.

- I'm sorry, I should have thought about that. - No, that's all right.

Bad rabbi's girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

A friend, who's a girl, who has a friend that is a rabbi.

Yup.

How can you do this?

Well, when a boy and a girl get this warm feeling inside themselves...

- I'm serious. I'm serious. - What? They do. They just...

- You're a rabbi. - I know.

I'm like a giant shiksa. Isn't this verboten?

Yes, yes, it is, it is.

It is completely fundamentally antithetical to the Jewish purpose and the Jewish identity.

It's a problem.

But, Nancy, I'm willing to find a solution, okay?

There's so much time. And we're new.

And I really, really like you.

I like you, too.

I want you to come to Shabbat dinner tonight at my house.

I invited some friends over, okay?

- What kind of friends? - Friends, old friends, close friends.

- You want me to meet your friends. - Yes.

Are you scared?

Yes. No.

Good, me, too.

All right, here we are. Come on, hurry up. Come on. Move it.

Lift up those feet. Mush! Mush! Come on, try to stay ahead of the smell.

Last one in is a rotten egg. Oh, sorry, Greg.

Not too shabby, right?

I believe, "Thank you," are the words you're looking for.

Jesus, a week ago you guys were living in a dumpster eating cat food.

I'm fucking Santa Claus.

All right, Chex Mix for Jeff. Lunchables for Pete.

Rudy, I know you said fruit platter, but I got you boxes of Fruit Gushers.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Just one room?

Oh, no.

Welcome to our valued guests, where your comfort...

Voile! Girls in there, boys here.

Okay, well, have fun.

Don't fuck anything up. No room service, no massages,

and don't even think about dry-cleaning.

Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about.

Hey, is that Charity Cox under there?

No! No, no, no, no, no!

"No?" What do you mean, "No?" This is porn. There's no, "No," in porn,

unless it's like a rape-fantasy thing. What's his deal?

Rudy hates porn.

My God, you people have issues. You ever think about therapy?

Fucking idiots.

Just be happy we found it.

Okay, let's check it out.

Yeah, just like that. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

- What the fuck do we do? - I don't know. Come back?

No, I need this car. You need your gun. Give me your Taser.

- No. - Yes. Come on.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

God.

My dick.

Shit.

Mom? You changing?

No.

I need a checkbook for the LaPlante account.

I want to get going with warehouse space, equipment.

I figure if I take some of my best seedlings from the lab,

clone them in these kick-ass grow-pods that I found online,

but they're not cheap,

so I figured, with the 350 I would...

We're not spending that 350.

- We're not? - No, of course not.

Should I even ask your opinion about shoes?

So, what is your scheme? God help us.

I'm working on it. Slow your roll.

Why are things never easy with you? I just wanna grow.

I know, honey, I know. You will. It's new, there's time.

We just have to think it through.

Do I look kosher?

Not even remotely.

Nope, didn't think so.

You a cold, cold motherfucker.

Let it be a lesson.

- Hey, you was doing the same. - Was not.

You wasn't fucking in somebody else's car? That wasn't you?

Maybe we should get him to a hospital or something.

Yeah, he good. Walk it off, Jaq.

Ice Pick? Is that you, baby?

Oh, my... Gus?

What the fuck you doing here?

The fuck you doing, Charlemagne? And why you calling Ice Pick "baby"?

You doing him behind my back?

- Why is Jaq's pants down? - If you would just step back...

Oh, no, you told me you quit, motherfucker.

I'ma tell Ice Pick and he gonna send a crew to shove a bat so far up your ass,

they're gonna call you Fudge Pop.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

All right, well, if Jaq's dick is in my mouth and my dick is in yours

and Ice Pick dick is in your ass,

then it's like Ice Pick fucked Jaq.

- And he ain't gonna like that. - You know what?

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Mother fuck!

Yeah, y'all all motherfuckers!

Fuck!

And we're in the back of the van.

Shrooms are kicking in for all of us, especially the meter maid.

She'd gone supernova. I hop in the front,

pull out right into the back of a truck packed with live, mooing beef cattle.

Long story short, no longer allowed in Texas.

But holy shit.

The Spring break is fun.

- Did you guys see Steph's tweet? - Awesome.

Loved it. So brief. Why tell a full story?

So, hey, we should celebrate tonight. Big feast.

You are gonna be astounded by what your husband can do in the kitchen.

What am I talking about, cook? Let's go out. Into the city.

Drink, smoke, roll, whatever. Fucking kill it.

I saw those energy drinks in there. I know you're with me.

No, those are for when we're up late, aggregating.

- I'm sorry? Aggregating? - Content.

Okay, I think we're all set.

Joanna, my darling, youthful bride,

what say we get out of here, spend some quality time, just us?

You're gonna miss the party later?

Party? Party? Okay, maybe I misjudged you guys.

It's an '80s party. Okay, it's like DayGlo and bad music.

It's super fun.

DayGlo and bad music?

What else was there?

What else was there? Get in the car.

So, how this goes is up to you right now.

Is pomegranate juice bullshit or not?

- Total bullshit. - Yes!

Wait, now. No, come on.

Told you, Dave, new friends. It's, like, all marketing.

It's good for the prostate. Are you an expert on the prostate?

- Yes. I'm gonna say yes. - Oh my...

You swore you wouldn't say anything!

Are we talking about that tickler thing that you shoved up his...

Nancy, Dave told us you were in marketing?

So, we're done with prostate and pomegranate?

No, no, no, that's, yeah, we're, yes, please. Yes, we're done.

You said marketing, right? I wasn't actually sure.

Yeah, it's marketing. It's boring stuff, though.

You know what has brilliant marketing? Toroshiki. Right?

- Yeah, I mean, we should just... - Yes.

- We should get up and go there right now. - Let's go.

It is amazing. No offense, Dave. This is good.

No, this is Ina Garten's roast chicken. Ina and I are both deeply offended.

- I'm so sorry. - What's Toroshiki?

New sushi place.

Yeah, the menu has only two options, the, "Have Faith," which is chef's choice,

and the, "Don't Have Faith," which is directions to the closest McDonald's.

It's awesome, right?

If you don't have trust issues.

You know, it's really beautiful when you don't have to make a decision.

I mean, to just sit down, eat,

and you know it's gonna be delicious? It's worth it.

You know what'? Too many choices? It makes people miserable.

- Yeah. - Nancy,

do you wanna come stay at our cottage next weekend?

- Yeah, why not? - it's beautiful.

It's up on Lake Candlewood. It's gonna be so much fun. We're all going.

Don't put Nancy on the spot, okay?

- Oh, I'm in. - Really, she's...

if Dave is, yeah.

Great. It's... Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Absolutely, of course. It is, it's great. That's a good idea.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go get... - What?

- Just more wine. - Sure.

- Fun. - How much fun.

Did we come on too strong with the cottage invite?

I'm sorry. But we just want... We wanna see Dave happy,

and he seems happy lately, you know?

This?

It's Gabby, yeah.

And this was taken...

Seder, two years ago.

So it's only been...

You know, 15 months.

And I'm the first girl he's brought around?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll see you back at the table.

Booyah! Busted!

Don't jump to conclusions here.

What's in the bag, Silas?

Tell me it's your softball uniform. We don't even have a softball team.

Damn it, you're stealing?

I'm not stealing.

I thought maybe I would experiment with the growth in a different environment.

- You're not gonna believe that. - Zachary.

You're annoying. Be a silent annoying.

We're pretty strict here on this kind of thing,

hence, the security, the badges,

the gigantic, absurd Fort Knox Batcave door.

Come on, Silas!

I'm sorry. It will not happen again.

- I could have you arrested. - Do it!

Leave the plants. Give me your badge.

Can't you go faster?

I'm doing my best. I can't see very well.

God, sorry, I just want this over.

Okay, fine, let's get this over with.

Oh, my God.

Shane, we're being pulled over. Fuck!

We're being pulled over!

- What do I do? - Pull over!

Shit, shit, shit.

Fuck! What's our story?

- I don't know. - Think of something.

Nice car. You should take better care of it.

License and registration, please.

Hey, wino, you gonna save some for the rest of us?

I'm not gonna do the cottage thing next weekend.

It's okay. It's your call.

Yeah. I figure it'll be hot and mosquitoey and I hate tubing

and you don't want me there.

- I never said that. I never said that, Nancy. - it's okay. It's okay.

Your wife was beautiful.

Thank you.

That has nothing to do with this.

You never said how long it had been. It's 15 months.

Well, I told Andy and I thought it would trickle down.

Normally, a good strategy.

I don't know how to say this.

I don't think you're ready.

- What does that mean? - it means

that I don't even know how long...

it means I don't even know how long it took me to get this far after Judah.

Listen, the Jewish mourning period is 30 days, shloshim.

That ended 400-plus days ago.

I'm on my 12th haircut since then and I'll tell you something,

I'm still stuck in fucking shloshim and I am done with it.

I am so done with it.

Come on, can we please just go

listen to Jesse bitch about the Yankees, please?

- Bunch of overpaid dick bags. - Oh, God damn it, Jesse, shut it.

I don't want to be your first toe-dip back into the dating pool.

I'm sorry. I know how that ends.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe I forced things,

but you know something?

A beautiful, smart woman ends up in my pool, naked,

it's hard not to take that as a sign from God.

I don't even know where you're from. I don't know what you do.

Detroit. And I sell pot.

I'm sorry. It felt good to be open.

Wow.

I'm a not-Jewish pot dealer

and I should go.

So that's it? We're done?

I don't know.

Okay, so you don't know who drove the General Lee.

I've never heard deadmau5. That's no big deal.

That's all window dressing. What's important is the foundation,

and that is strong.

We both like fresh fruit and children.

As long as somebody else is growing them.

That is good. I should tweet that.

Yeah, okay.

But you want to grow some yourself, right?

Children, not fruit?

Definitely, yeah, I mean, in like, you know, a bajillion years, but...

Oh, no.

"Bajillion" is not a word.

Neither is "tweet," "derp" or "fersh." So, how much is a bajillion?

Like eight, 10 years. I mean, I'm only 22.

I play with my cousins, and they're so cute, but they're also, like, a lot of work,

and I'm not ready to be a mom.

Why did you marry me?

Because I thought it'd be fun.

And you remind me of my dad.

That was nice. I felt that, right here. Yeah, nice.

Sure, all right, who's next?

Before I do my healing yell,

I'd like to talk a bit about my son.

Sure, family, yeah. We all have loved ones we've left behind.

How old is he now?

He's not born yet. I'm from the future.

Nobody believes me.

Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we've had some complaints about yelling.

Is this one of those quack heroin-detox things?

Get the hell out.

I beg your pardon. These are not junkies,

maybe a few are,

but no one's trying to get sober in here, okay'?

And I'm sorry if we disturbed other guests

in the middle of their lily-white, non-molesty lives,

but we are working on our shit in here, together,

and we're staying, right, guys?

Am I right, guys?

Yeah, now, you could fight us, Monica, or you can join us.

- Join you? - Look, I see the pain in your eyes.

I see the sadness. Come on, Monica. Come and join us.

Okay-

Make room, everyone. This is Monica.

- Hi. - Hi, Monica.

- Please. - Thank you.

Got fired today.

Lost my plants. Shit.

God damn it, world.

What have we done to deserve such improbably cruel fates?

We?

I got married this morning.

Let's run away together, Silas.

You must be Nancy. Hi, I'm Jo. I'm Andy's wife.

Does she know?

I can't tell. Let me watch her walk.

Oh, yeah. She knows.

Maze! to v.

Thanks, yeah.

I made a horrible decision.

We're planning a post-wedding, pre-divorce bachelor party.

Try and squeeze it in on Tuesday.

So, I'm sure you have a treasure trove of questions.

Go ahead. Fire away.

You caught me on an off day.

But you wore those awesome shoes.

Yeah. Good shoes, bad timing.

Okay, I am curious.

Fresh blueberries and young eggs. Got one whiff and dove in.

Completely ignored the 20 years of rail road between us.

She's hopping aboard, and I'm already at the second stop,

ticket punched, and two trains,

even if they're on the same track, they will not meet.

He's telling a story problem.

With no correct answer, exactly.

Although, I do stand by the fact

your average 22-year-old could not keep up with me if they tried.

Bunch of pussies, present company excluded.

I may have broken up with a rabbi tonight.

- May have? - Well, it wasn't totally clear.

Thought you guys had it figured out.

Turns out rabbis are better at dealing with other people's problems.

Didn't you date a rabbi?

Yael. Yael, Yael, Yael.

She was a rabbinical teacher.

Teacher of many things. Yael.

Also, I told him I sold pot.

I thought we were keeping a low profile.

It felt good to be honest with him.

Also, this is who I am. I sell pot.

Except that you don't.

You're half pharma rep,

half quasi-managerial hanger-on-er with a tobacco company.

There's no pot-selling there.

"F" that.

What was that? I'm nervous.

I don't know. I'm judging the walk. Anger? Melancholy'? Purpose?

- She's thinking. - God bless her.

I'm sad, too, Mr. Powell, yeah.

Okay, bye.

Sushi?

What was that?

I just quit Smith Johnson.

Can you still get your seedlings from the lab?

I was fired yesterday.

Not ideal. Well, we'll go elsewhere.

Elsewhere? What's going on?

- I've been doing some thinking. - Clearly.

About the tobacco money.

A, we don't need anywhere near that much money to make them happy.

B, if they're willing to invest that much in the growing,

think of the opportunity on the retail side.

You're really missing out on the yellowtail.

Right now retail is in dispensaries.

Terrible, clinical word,

with bars on the window, confusing menus, scary bouncers.

The future is not in dispensaries.

I want to open, like, something bright with a good vibe, good music,

a pretty room without rows and rows of paralyzing options.

We offer one brand, our brand,

like MILF, that you grow and perfect, and I sell.

This is what people want. Let's give it to them.

It's not terrible.

It's pretty good.

Have faith.