Original subtitles

Previously on Weeds.

I used to be in the drug business, too.

- With whom? - A small company,

but I'm looking to get back into the field.

- Who are you here for? - My dead brother's wife.

I fucked her sister up against the wall of her room.

I see you, up there, watching me.

- I'm a rabbi. - So?

You're thinking like a mouse. Think like a king.

We're starting a charity? That does what?

I don't know. But last week, Vehement donated a buttload of money to it.

Holy shit.

That sitar was George Harrison's.

It's amazing how much you can buy at an auction

with a shitload of charity money.

Do you have plans tonight?

You want me to meet your mom?

You're a lot alike. She's really intense.

That's a perversely sweet thing to say.

I'm pregnant.

Get a job.

This is what your company makes.

- Maritor. - it's synthetic pot. Like drinking near-beer.

The marijuana pill.

If you're hired, you'll have access to this whole wing.

Gotta show me you got the goods.

Won't be a problem.

WEEDS

Bear-head pancakes! Bear-head pancakes!

Thank you, Mommy.

So, honey, just like in Busytown, everyone has a job to do.

Like the dog that's a policeman

and the pink mouse that drives her tow truck.

Here's butter.

Today Silas and Mommy are starting...

Here, you read. My eyes are shit.

What are you two doing?

- Are you gonna wear that? - What's wrong with this?

Yeah, it's in there. You're cool. Nice Yoda pancakes.

They're bear heads.

Did I say Yoda? I meant Yogi Bear. Yum.

Eat the bear!

It's an office, Mom.

I know it's an office. I've worked in an office.

When did you work in an office?

- Black shoe polish? - Junk drawer.

Before. Doug's scam hedge-fund place thing. That was an office.

That is not a real office. You have to look appropriate.

It was a real office, and I do look appropriate.

Jill, sweater.

It's mine anyway. Off.

- Say please. - Please.

You look up the list on my phone. You read, I'll pull.

Okay-

Pineapple, all soft cheeses, sprouts, raw meats, tuna.

What are you doing?

Hey, that's my goat's milk brie. That's expensive, put...

Oh, my God.

See you in nine months, sprouts.

You've got to be kidding me.

What? You think I'm too long in the tooth?

Well, praise the Lord and pass the stretch-mark cream!

I'm still fresh on the inside.

Congratulations.

Shouldn't be late for work. First impressions.

Congratulations, guys.

Come on. Mom.

Okay-

Smith Johnson Pharmaceutical

Smith Johnson. Helping people live better tomorrows, today.

Okay. Great. What's next?

Well, what's next is, evidently,

they're sending you out today to make sales calls.

And without the three-week orientation all the rest of us had to do.

And without any sales-rep experience.

And your drug is Maritor?

I have Nexxol and Argimet.

If they wanted me to add Maritor, they could have just...

I spot perfection!

Hi, Deb. How we doing this morning?

- Morning! - Nancy Botwin.

Mark Powell, Regional Manager.

Heard many good things. Very glad to have you on board.

Thanks! Glad to be here.

I hear you're our one-woman grassroots effort to revive Maritor,

and I do mean grassroots.

Okey-dokey.

And good luck out there.

I'll tell you what, Nancy.

For today, why don't we start with just this one?

Same building I'll be in most of the day.

Super nice, easy to see, loves reps.

I mean, he'll just talk your ear right off if you let him.

He's basically a...

Total asshole, with hate, rage and disdain for all we do?

Maybe?

I think we would be remiss

if we gave you a false sense of what this job entails.

It's not exactly selling lipstick at Macy's.

We can re-group at the end of the day and compare notes, bandage wounds.

Ready for battle.

Anything you need for growing, they'll get for you.

Nutrients, supplies.

Just ask Tom. He'll do a requisition form lickety-split.

I mean, this is place is awesome, right? I'm Craig.

- Silas. - Air!

It's cool. It's cool. I was in his air.

- I don't think that'll hurt the plants. - He doesn't like to be hot.

CO2!

You gotta talk on a parallel plane to the trays.

You know, carbon dioxide.

He knows. Now he knows, Zachary.

Just keep it on a parallel plane.

Better to not talk at all, though. See you at lunch.

So, I figured you're my best shot for employment, Jew to Jew.

As you can see on my resume, I have substantial rabbinical...

Well, perhaps not so much substantial experience

as substantial time spent attending rabbinical school,

shirking military service, to be honest.

But I do have a solid lifetime of informal counseling experience,

so I could serve as an advisor or a rabbinical assistant, if you need one.

I can dust off the ark, vacuum carpets, keep the siddurim piled neatly.

Or even cook!

I'm not averse to feeding the flock literally, as well as spiritually.

I make a light, fluffy latke.

Not many know how to keep the potatoes from becoming greasy and leaden.

That's a skill. I know this is all over the place.

But I'm gonna be a father soon,

so getting a job has become more of a priority in the past six hours.

A father? Andy, maze! tov!

- All right. - Mazel tov!

I think so.

And this is with the sister of the sister-in-law, right?

The wall of the hospital room?

Yes! Yes! Double-sister-in-law. I forgot we talked about that.

That was a rough patch back there, but we're better now.

So, you're gonna get married, then?

I'm...

Yeah, sure. Married. Of course.

That's good. That's good.

So that must put into perspective the other matters with your Nancy then, right?

It would just settle things, then.

- I suppose. I mean, yeah, it does. - It clarifies.

Yes. Absolutely.

That's good.

That's really, that's... It's the hand of fate, really.

So, Andy.

There is a job that I know of that I think you might be perfect for.

Do you like kids?

Love them. Can't get enough of them.

Hello, hello, and good afternoon, tweens of Temple Mishkan Shalom!

I'm your new Director of Spiritual Life, Moreh Andy,

and this is afternoon discussion time.

Where's Moreh Avi?

Is Moreh Avi dead?

Did you murder Moreh Avi?

Why did you murder Moreh Avi?

He was so young!

And gay-

Yes. Moreh Avi, I'm told, is alive and well,

and pursuing his massage-therapy license in Tempe, Arizona, now.

I'm sure he thanks you for your concern.

Are you a rabbi?

- Where did you study? - You're not that young.

Do you want to massage us?

I think we still need proof that Moreh Avi's alive.

Don't move. No one move.

What are you doing?

Get the flag.

Quick, get the flag! Go!

All right.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Morning. Morning!

Hi. I'm Nancy from Smith Johnson

and I brought muffins.

Thank you so much! You got the coffee-cake ones.

Girls, muffins!

So, as I said before, I'm from Smith Johnson,

and I was hoping that Dr. Cornish might have a few minutes to... Oh.

NO PHARMA REPS - NO EXCEPTIONS GO AWAY

Muffins!

Okay-

Can I just leave you with some samples and get the doctor's signature?

Okay?

Let me just...

I have chip clips and magnets.

Oh, hi! Dr. Cornish.

Hi, I'm Nancy.

The medical office of Dr. James Cornish does not accept solicitors of any kind.

A repeat violation of this rule will be grounds for trespassing

and security will be called.

Thank you.

I gave you muffins.

Okay, you know what? I changed my mind.

No muffin for you.

No muffin for you!

No, no muffins for anyone!

Give it!

For anyone until everyone gets some manners,

learns a thing or two about hospitality,

social niceties, how to treat people.

Okay? I'm gonna leave you with some pens. All right?

Have a nice day.

Feel better.

Who's out there?

It's not who. It's what.

What'd they give you for defense? Sticks, mace'?

We need a plan.

Okay-

I don't know, that might work.

Probably not, 'cause they could smash the windows.

Their claws are pretty sharp.

Whose claws?

I think I heard him.

No reason to be scared, all the instructors have weapons.

I'm sure Moreh Avi had a weapon, you just didn't see it,

like a knife strapped to his leg.

He was former Mossad, if I recall.

You were lucky to have him on your side. That man was a killing machine.

What the hell's going on?

You're safe with me. I know jujitsu and some Krav Maga,

Israeli hand-to-hand combat.

I'll teach you the basic moves today in case you run into him in the woods.

You don't ever go out there alone, right?

Never go out there alone, unless you have a weapon.

I'll help you so your hands will be your weapon.

In the meantime, Nevi'im, Rishonim,

Book of Kings, Melachim,

page 593, verses 23 and 24.

While you're looking, I'll paraphrase.

Basically, this guy, Elisha, was walking to Bethel one balmy afternoon

when two boys sauntered up and began to tease him about being bald.

"You're so bald, I should rub your head to see the future.

"You're so bald, when you wear a turtleneck, you look like roll-on deodorant."

Or their version of deodorant,

which was, I believe, at the time, a smooth, moist rock on a stick scented with myrrh.

Anywho, Elisha was very sensitive about his hairless pate,

and in the name of the Lord, cursed the boys.

And guess what happened?

What?

Okay, and I swear it says this,

you can read it for yourself 'cause it's bonkers.

Two bears came out of the woods and mauled the boys and 40 other children.

Forty-two dead kids, ripped to shreds by a pair of angry bears.

It's nuts, right?

Kids slaughtered by bears for teasing a bald guy,

and not just the teasing kids, but 40 other kids, too.

Why? What's the point?

How are we supposed to interpret this story, and why would we want to?

Wait, so the whole locking the door thing, that was a bunch of crap, right?

You were just messing with us?

Well, you were being a dick, and I was taking precautions

in case the Bible's literal and there's bears coming after you.

But the Torah's not literal, is it?

It's something to work off of. It's a place to start to have discussions.

However, I am serious about the Krav Maga.

So let's talk about the bear story, and not being a dick,

and then I'll totally show you some moves. Who wants to read?

Shane. Hey, congratulations.

Come meet my mother.

Shane, this is my mother, Mary.

Hi, Mrs. Mullen. Nice to meet you.

Shane, at last we meet.

Did Angela tell you her happy news?

She's been assigned to the Thirteenth, her father's old precinct.

I couldn't be prouder.

- Where are you headed? - Nowhere yet.

I have an age requirement. I have to wait a year.

But I heard I can get some private security work though,

maybe at a mall or something.

Certainly you can do better than security work.

Mom!

- Maybe we could find your family and... - I didn't invite them.

Didn't want to take the chance that they might not show up.

Fucking sardine can.

How you doing? I'm Mitch Ouellette.

Got to get out of here. You ready?

Would you like to join us for dinner? We have reservations...

The reservation is only for two.

I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

A four-top is a whole different kind of table. It's impossible.

Yeah, those four-tops are really tough, huh?

Nice to meet you both. Congratulations, Shane.

Angela. Come, honey.

What the fuck was that?

Come on. Let's take a ride. I got a gig for you.

NASA Inventory Liquidation - Auction

We'll begin the bidding at 10,000.

15,000, 20,000. Do I hear 21, 21, 21,000?

$21,000!

- Do I hear 22,000? - it's a comb. It's not worth...

- Did you walk on the moon? - $22,000!

- Yeah, I didn't think so. - $22,000!

Do I hear 23, 23, $23,000?

Do I hear 24? $24,000!

Do I hear $25,000?

24,000 once. 24 twice.

Final warning and the winning bid sold to paddle number 418 for $24,000.

The certified Neil Armstrong comb and scissors collection

with 25 strands of the famous astronaut's hair.

Next from the NASA collection is a flight-worn suit of Captain Jim Wetherbee.

Mine! Mine, mine, mine!

He bought it. He can do whatever he wants with it.

You know, he must have been a little bit slimmer.

Maybe not a lot of carbs in that dehydrated food.

Danger, danger, Will Robinson! Danger, danger!

3369-954421.

Oh, Houston, I have a lift-off.

Sir, your card has been declined. it says I have to seize it.

What?

You're gonna need to step out of the suit.

Give me that card!

RESERVED PARKING FOR DR. JAMES CORNISH

My bank informed me that you and your bullshit state bureaucracy

are the parties responsible for freezing my accounts!

And now hundreds, if not thousands, of homeless men and women

will go without dinner tonight because of your office's little snafu,

not to mention how many will be sleeping in dumpsters

because of this bureaucratic holocaust!

And I will not leave here...

Where exactly is the location of your facility, Mr. Wilson'?

Old Sandwich, in the heart of the community,

- where it's most needed... - Address?

River Road.

Ten, twelve, could be sixteen.

I don't concern myself with those little details.

My primary concern is...

This is the location where you house and feed your clients?

- Yes. - That's an office park.

With beds inside.

Mr. Wilson, your foundation was granted a license by the State of Connecticut

to operate a 60-bed facility for the homeless of this county.

Due to a complete lack of evidence that you are running said facility,

but instead likely taking advantage of the tax status

and/or channeling nonprofit funds into your own personal accounts,

an inquiry has been filed with the State's Attorney's Office,

who then froze your assets, pending their investigation.

You've 48 hours to manifest a legitimate facility and avoid prosecution for fraud.

Oh, I will manifest. You wait and see.

I will manifest the shit out of that legitimate facility.

And you have lipstick on your teeth. So there!

- Wow, it's clean. - Three minutes?

And I brought lunch.

So, can I count on you

to prescribe Maritor to your next five cancer patients experiencing...

You broke my window. I could have you fired.

Sorry about that. I'll pay for it.

I have impulse issues since my accident.

Frontal-lobe injury, bullet's still in there.

Long story, duck hunters.

- Anyhow, Maritor, it's effective... - Wait, wait, wait a second.

Did you say duck hunters?

It was really my fault.

Usually, I wear my orange vest

- when I go for walks in those woods. - Right.

It was foggy. I don't blame them.

You just can't hold onto those things.

Release. Release.

If I could do it over again... But back to Maritor.

- It's effective for insomnia... - Wait, wait, stop.

- ...anxiety... - Stop, stop, stop.

Look, first things first. What are your approved FDA indications?

My What?

Is this your first day?

So these are your FDA indications for your drug,

what it's approved for, which is refractory nausea

and vomiting in patients undergoing chemotherapy, so that's it.

That is all you are legally allowed to say.

And I know, but it's basically weed,

- so everyone knows that it's going to... - Yeah, but if it is not an FDA approved use,

you cannot talk about it.

I mean, I can off-label prescribe, you can't off-label sell.

So what's your name?

- Nancy. - All right, Nancy, James.

I don't even know why I'm helping you with this

because as a rule, I abhor the pharmaceutical industry.

This is important. What you just did was against the law.

I mean, I know you have to get signatures

but, you know, I'm sure you don't want

to get caught up in anything that's illegal, right?

Sure.

Nancy, I say this, before you lose your soul, find another job.

You don't want to get mixed up with these people.

They skirt the edges of the law.

They have kind of a ruthless focus on profit

with practically no concern for the welfare of the patients

that they claim to be so selflessly serving.

What?

How long do you have for lunch?

Tuesday Happy Hour, Silas. It's kind of our thing.

Find out how much longer.

How much longer?

- Twenty or thirty minutes. - Twenty or thirty minutes.

I'll be in the bar.

- Sir, one member of your party needs... - Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll stay.

- How long? - Right now there's a 30-minute wait.

You went to Sacred Heart in Waterbury, right?

- No. - Really?

Really.

You look so familiar.

Greenwich Country Day, Exeter, PA?

I know I know you from one of them.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

School. Where'd you go to school?

Agrestic.

They didn't send me there. Where is it?

California.

What the fuck?

I've been calling you.

I've got to get back to work. Here you go.

Nice talking to you.

Strike two.

N.Y.P.D. IMPOUND LOT #7

- Fresh meat? - Graduation day.

- Intern? - Whatever you need.

Welcome, son. You've reached the inner circle.

Oh, boy.

So, I finally get in to see Dr. Jameson...

Terry Brennan was right. We've got a gold mine on our hands here.

Check it out, Deb. She landed Cornish.

Fuck!

Andy?

Andy!

Andy, I need your help in here!

Oh, God. You can help me stir the...

- Glass! - Freeze!

Got it!

I'll set the table?

Wine. Someone get glasses.

I got them.

Unfreeze.