Original subtitles

[humming]

- Now what?

Dennis!

- Gee, ya sure are smart Mr. Wilson.

How'd ya know it was me?

- Oh, who else'd stick his foot through the roof of my tool

shed?

[theme music]

- Sweetheart, I think I'd better call the office

and tell 'em to send someone else.

- Oh honey, you can't do that.

All I have is a little cold and your trip's

much too important for that.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Hey Dad!

I'm bringing your suitcase down.

- Leave it alone son, it's too heavy for you.

- No it isn't.

I've got a system.

[loud bang]

- I told you that was too heavy son.

- Oh Dennis, how can you do such things?

- It's easy mom.

Want me to do it again?

- No.

- Dennis, that's not the kind of a man

I can leave in charge of the house.

- You can't?

- No, you shouldn't have been fooling with my suitcase.

- But I was just trying to help.

- I know son, but let's try and be a little more

constructive in our help, huh?

Come on over here.

Now you know I'm going out of town on business today,

and I'll be gone all night.

Now your mother isn't feeling well

and I'm depending on you to take good care of her

and see that she doesn't worry about a thing.

- I will dad.

- OK.

Now I've called the employment agency

and they're sending a woman over here to clean up the house

and fix your dinner.

I'll just put the money right here.

- Gee, is that all for her?

- Yes Dennis.

Mr. Wilson said he'd be around in case of an emergency.

- Oh honey, all I have is a little cold

and a slight headache.

Stop worrying, it isn't serious.

- Well, I, I just don't feel right about leaving you alone.

- Oh.

She won't be alone.

She's got me.

- That's right.

- Ha, ha, OK darling, as long you promise as soon

as I've left you'll scat up to bed.

- Ha, promise.

- You'll be in charge of the house while I'm gone.

Think you can handle it?

- Sure dad.

You won't have to worry.

Any old burglars try to get in this house I'll button one.

- You do that.

Remember, you're the man of the house.

I'll be back as soon as I can, darling.

Ahem.

Now woman, off to bed.

- Ha, ha alright.

drive carefully.

- Ha ha OK.

- Bye dad. - So long son.

[doorbell]

- Dennis?

[doorbell]

- I got it, mom.

Hi.

- Hello young man.

Good morning Miss, is your mother at home?

- She is our mother.

- I don't believe it.

You're not Mrs. Mitchell, Mrs. Henry Mitchell,

well the Browns told me you were very young and pretty.

- She's not so young, she's gonna be--

- Dennis!

- Children, what would we do without them?

I'm Alistair Sinclair.

Perhaps Mrs. Brown called you about me?

- I don't think I know any Mrs. Brown?

- Well they are rather new in the neighborhood I believe.

But she knows you and she was so thrilled with her lovely gift

that she wanted you to share her good fortune.

- No, thank you.

- Now Mrs. Mitchell, I'm not selling anything.

I'm giving you the opportunity to have a lovely dinner

party in your own home with your own selection of eight guests

catered by a magnificent chef with a core of trained helpers

serving a seven-course dinner complete from hors d'oeuvres

to after dinner mints at absolutely no cost

or obligation to you.

- No thank you.

- And for your courtesy in inviting eight of your friends

into your home to participate in our sales demonstration,

you will be given, absolutely free at no cost or obligation,

a beautiful gift of our Plastiplex no scorch,

no burn freezer-to-oven-to-table dinnerware.

- No thank you.

- Break yourself of the hot kitchen.

[slams door] - No thank you!

- Oh.

Jeepers mom, it sounded like a bargain to me.

- Dennis dear, I'm in no mood for bargains.

All I want to do is get to bed.

My head hurts.

KIDS (OFFSCREEN): Hey Mrs. Mitchell!

Can Dennis come outside?

- Oh why doesn't that cleaning woman get here?

Dennis, go out and tell them you can't play now dear.

- OK mom. [yelling]

Hey you guys, don't make too much noise

my mom's got a headache!

- Hi Dennis!

- I can't play now, I'm taking care of my poor old mom.

- Ya got anything to eat? - Maybe.

My dad had to go away on business

and I'm in full charge around here.

- Boy, that chicken sure looks good.

- Mmmmm.

[doorbell]

- I gotta go answer the doorbell.

Cuz when my dad's away, I'm the man of the house.

Hi.

- I'm Miss Rafferty.

The agency sent me.

Where's your mother?

- She's in bed.

She's got a headache.

- Huh.

Must be nice to be rich.

- Good morning.

Are you from the agency?

- They didn't tell me it was this far out.

I had to change buses 2 times.

- I'm sorry.

- They didn't tell me it was a two story house, neither.

I ain't luggin no vacuum up and down them stairs.

- There really won't be very much to do Mrs. Rafferty.

In fact you don't have to worry about the upstairs at all.

If you just straighten up a little bit

downstairs well that'll be fine.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back up to bed.

I'm not feeling very well.

- You got anything contagious?

- Nothing serious, just a cold.

- Well, all right.

Just so long as I don't have to go upstairs.

- Thank you. - Hey!

You already had two pieces!

- No I didn't!

- Hi!

- This is Miss Rafferty.

She's gonna clean up the house.

- Oh no she isn't.

I ain't cleaning up no house with an upstairs

and a downstairs and contagious diseases and a dozen kids!

[laughing]

- Good bye Dennis.

- Bye Dennis.

- Goodbye Dennis. We gotta go now.

- Hey Tommy, wait a minute.

- What for?

- I got a problem.

It's pretty hard work being man of the house.

- Yeah.

- That poor working woman went away.

somebody's gotta clean up around here for poor ol' mom.

- Why don't cha get your mom to phone for somebody else?

- Oh no Tommy.

If I tell her Miss Rafferty's gone, she'll worry.

That's the one thing my dad doesn't want, for mom to worry.

I gotta find some friend, some pal.

- Goodbye Dennis.

- Hey Tommy!

Aren'tcha gonna help me?

- Uh-uh.

- I'll give ya my busted airplane and my goldfish bowl.

- I can't Dennis.

I gotta go before that old Margaret catches up to us.

- Hey Tommy.

You just gave me a good idea.

Margaret?

This is Dennis.

You got any new comics?

Well, if you let me read 'em, and promise

not to tell the kids, I'll let ya come over and play house.

- You mean I get to clean the whole house?

- Just the downstairs.

- Goodness knows there's enough to do right here.

Everything is simply filthy.

Where's your dishwasher?

- She's in bed.

- Silly, I mean the electric one.

- Well the only dishwasher we got in this house is good ol' mom.

- Well, when you get a raise, that's

the first thing we're going to buy.

There, there baby, go to your daddy.

- Say that again and I'll bop you.

- Do you want to play house or don't you?

- OK.

- Bubble the baby.

- First we'll do the dishes.

And then we'll scrub this filthy floor.

And then we'll wash these filthy curtains.

- Bye Margaret.

I gotta go to the office.

- Dennis Mitchell, you know very well

this is Saturday afternoon.

- Oh yeah.

I forgot.

Well I gotta go play golf with the boys.

- Oh no, you don't.

- But husbands are supposed to play golf.

- Alright for you Dennis Mitchell.

If you go play golf once more and leave me

with this child to take care of and this filthy house to clean,

I'm going to take the baby and go home to my mother.

- OK, what do you want me to do first?

- First, kiss the baby.

You made the poor little thing cry.

- As soon as the wash is done, you

can hang it out while I vacuum the front room.

- Jeepers! - Oh!

MRS. MITCHELL

- Margaret, here.

Hey mom, go back to bed please!

- My headache's practically gone.

All I needed was a little rest.

- Don't come downstairs you'll get sick again.

- I just wanted to make sure everything was alright.

Oh, you are staying out of Mrs. Rafferty's way, aren't you?

- You don't need to worry about that mom.

- Oh, you might ask her if she's not too busy,

the kitchen floor could stand a scrubbing.

- Oh you don't need to worry about that either mom.

You're going to have the cleanest floor in town.

- OK.

- Jeepers!

I guess maybe this is an emergency.

- My goodness Dennis Mitchell!

The least you could do is get help

before me and the baby drown.

- I'm going for Mr. Wilson.

- Great Scott!

- Nobody's supposed to yell, Mr. Wilson, cuz my poor ol' mom's

got a headache.

- If I were your poor ol' mom, I'd

have a headache every day of my life.

Why Margaret, what are you doing here?

- Dennis and I got married.

- We did not!

You better stop saying that!

- We did too!

- We were just pretending.

Besides, you promised not to tell anybody.

- I said I wouldn't tell the kids,

but I had to tell Mr. Wilson cuz he's my friend.

Aren't you Mr. Wilson? - Why you!!

- Oh, OK that's enough.

Stop that.

You're getting suds all over the place.

Of course I'm your friend my dear.

But why don't you be a good little girl and run along home?

- That's just what I'm going to do.

And I'm never ever going to marry you again,

Dennis Mitchell!

Not even if I turn into an old maid!

- What are these things?

- Curtains.

That Margaret.

I'm glad you made her go home, Mr. Wilson.

Even if we do have to iron these curtains ourselves.

- Iron them?

Me?

- Sure Mr. Wilson.

Somebody's got to iron em.

Cuz if I tell mom she'll come downstairs

and she'll really have a headache.

- How do I get myself into these things?

[yawning]

[sighing]

- You sure are a good ironer, Mr. Wilson.

- Why thank you, Dennis.

Ha ha, I don't know why women make such a fuss about ironing.

Ha ha.

The trouble with women, Dennis, they don't match.

- Don't match what?

- Each other.

- How come women are supposed to match?

- Oh, not women Dennis.

The curtains.

Oh, now I could have sworn they measured

the same when I put them on the rod.

- Oh, I thought you meant women.

That was a good joke on me, huh Mr. Wilson.

[laughs] - Mr. Wilson?

- Oh don't bother me now Dennis.

Heaven's sake you need a slide rule

to figure these things out.

- My mom says--

- Oh please Dennis.

- My mom says it's important that--

- Alright, what's important?

- My mom says it's very important that you never

leave a hot iron lying on top of anything.

- Oh!

Oh great Scott!

And that's the one that matched.

- Jeepers, you sure are in trouble now Mr. Wilson.

Those are my mom's best curtains.

- I'll buy her some new ones.

- My mom had to run all over town buying those curtains.

And they were the last ones.

- Well I didn't do it on purpose.

- Hey, I've got an idea Mr. Wilson.

Why don't we cut out the burned place?

- No, it'd show.

- Those are very fat curtains.

- Well yes.

Yes, it might work at that.

Well temporarily at least.

Ha ha.

You know, Dennis, sometimes you're smart beyond your years.

Yeah, it's a very good idea.

- That's why my dad made me the man of the house.

[chuckles]

- Thank you dear.

- Would you like me to bring you anything else mom?

- Not a thing, dear.

But after I take my nap, I'm going

to enjoy some of that cold chicken for dinner.

- Jeepers.

- Oh Dennis.

The house is all nice and clean.

Now you try and keep it nice and clean for your mom.

- I will Mr. Wilson.

- Good.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- Is this the Mitchell residence?

- Yes it is.

- I'm the gentleman who called on your mother earlier.

How is she?

- Oh she's fine.

- I'm the man who put's on the free dinners.

- You are?

- Yes.

We had an unexpected cancellation

and I wonder if she would reconsider and let

me put on a dinner for her tonight.

Would you ask her to come to the phone?

- Well, uh, she's upstairs and can't come down right now.

- Well I hate to see all this food go to waste.

Tell her if she can't get eight other friends in for dinner

tonight, I'll settle for five.

- Is that all we have to do?

- That's right.

- We'll have eight friends for you alright.

Just come on over, Mr. Goodbye.

- Oh, you tell Mrs., what's her name?

Rafferty?

- You mean the lady who cooked the dinner?

- Yes.

- She said to call her Annie.

- Well you tell her the dinner was simply delicious.

Much better than that leftover chicken.

[sighs]

I haven't had such a good vacation in years!

- My mom said the dinner was simply delicious.

- Glad she enjoyed it.

Too bad she had to miss her own party.

Mr. St. Claire said we were supposed to have eight people.

And that's what we got alright.

Is he coming over?

Later.

Then he makes the sales pitch about the Plastiflex

dinnerware.

When they're ready for us in there,

just tell them to ring the bell. [rings bell]

- We're ready anytime you are.

[bell rings]

[bell rings]

- Whatsamatter?

[bell rings]

- Maybe they're sitting on low chairs.

[laughter]

I can't wait to see St. Claire's face.

- It's no skin off our nose, we get paid by the week.

[bell rings]

- Well, ahem.

[bell rings]

- Madame? - Please.

- Anybody read any good comics lately?

- Not me.

[knocks on door]

- How's it going?

- I just do the cooking and cleanin up afterwards.

- You lined 'em up, you oughta know.

- Tough, huh?

Doesn't matter.

The tougher they are to sell, the better I operate.

- Mr. St. Claire, I've got a feeling

that this isn't gonna be your night.

- Shame on you trying to destroy his confidence.

Why, you know Mr. St. Claire's our that top salesman.

He never misses. [laughs]

[doorbell rings]

- Oh hi Mr. Wilson.

Come on in.

Join the party.

- I brought a little supper over for you

and your mother, Dennis.

It isn't much.

- Oh we've got plenty of dinner Mr. Wilson.

- Wha, what's all this?

I, I don't understand.

- It's the Plastiflex folks, Mr. Wilson.

They give ya a free dinner if you invite eight friends.

Aren't they swell?

- Oh ho, no.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm sure you've all enjoyed your dinner prepared and served

in our no scorch-- - freezer-to-oven-to-table

Plastiflex dinnerware.

Delicious meals in jiffy.

Help your wife break the hot kitchen habit.

Why make her a slave to old fashioned cooking methods?

- Dennis?

Dennis?

- Yes mom?

- Time for the man of the house to come to bed.

- Soon as I've watched the nine o'clock news.

- Oh Dennis, don't plug that in!

- Jeepers.

- Honey, it was out of order.

Oh Dennis, now you've turned out all the lights in the house.

- Boy, it sure was lucky we were ready to go to bed, huh mom?

- There, now I call Mr. Wilson.

- Jeepers mom, we don't need any lights when we're asleep.

- Hello, Mr. Wilson?

This is Alice.

- A fuse blew out?

Oh ho ho, why that's the simplest

thing in the world Alice.

I'll be right over.

- Jeepers mom, you didn't have to bother Mr. Wilson.

Remember? I'm the man of the house.

- I'm sorry dear.

I guess in all the excitement I just sort of forgot

you were in charge.

[yelling] - Help!

- Help! - Help!

- Police, Help! - Dennis, come back here!

Don't go out there! Help, help police!

Help! - Help!

- Help!

God, you!

Mr. Wilson?

- Mitchell?

Well what in the world are you doing home?

- Well I finished up early and I just came on home. ) home, dad.

- He he he, welcome

Some milk for my young man.

- You may not believe this Henry, but that fuse blowing

is the first thing that's gone wrong all day.

Well, a little accident like that could happen to anyone.

- Why certainly, accidents will happen no matter

how careful one tries to be.

- Hey mom?

Here's a present I gotcha.

- Plastiflex dinnerware?

- I got ours absolutely free.

But good ol' Mr. Wilson bought some for Mrs. Wilson.

And all he got back from a $20 bill was two cents change.

That reminds me, dad.

Here's your change.

- My change from what?

- From the poor working woman.

All she wanted was her carfare.

Guess I manage pretty good, huh?

You can leave me in charge any time.

I make a good man of the house.

Huh mom, huh dad?

- You certainly do.

Oh no!

Look at my brand new curtains!

They're ruined!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what possessed me to cut them up.

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

- You cut them up, Mr. Wilson?

- It was just as much my fault as it was good ol' Mr. Wilson's.

I told him to.

- Well I, I, I shouldn't have listened.

But I just couldn't leave them the way they were.

- Well why not?

- Because you weren't feeling well and oh, what's the use?

Believe me, it would take 24 hours just

to tell you what's happened in the last eight.

If you like I'll pay for the curtains,

but I was only trying to help.

- Hey you know something?

Good ol' Mr. Wilson sounds just like me.

- I do?

Jeepers!

- Greeeaaat Scott! [laughter]

- Oh Dennis!

NARRATOR: This has been a Screen Gems Film Production

from the Hollywood Studios of Columbia Pictures.