Original subtitles

- Dad!

I've got wonderful news.

- Hm?

- Boy, are you gonna be glad when you hear this.

- Not now, Dennis.

I'm reading.

- Would you rather be surprised at dinner?

- Mm-hm.

- OK.

- Dennis?

What is this surprise?

- It's really swell, Dad.

It's about something you don't like and I don't like.

- Never mind that.

What is it?

- Mom burned our liver!

[theme music]

- Come on, Dennis.

My baseball stuff's in the closet.

- Hey, Jeff, that's a TV set.

- I know it. It's mine.

- Are you trying to tell me there's

an upstairs and a downstairs TV set in this house?

Is that what you're trying to tell me?

- Sure.

The one downstairs has remote control.

- Are you trying to tell me you've

got your own personal TV set?

- Sure.

My mom bought it for me right after I had my adenoids out.

Now they can have their programs and I can have mine.

- Are you trying to tell--

- Aw, come on, Dennis.

Let's play some baseball.

- Heck no!

I'm going home and talk to my dad.

- I still think you oughta call Opie at the fix-it shop.

- I don't see any reason to pay Opie good money

for a job I can do myself.

I can certainly fix a vacuum cleaner.

- Hey, Dad!

Am I glad it's Saturday and you're home.

- Well, that's nice to hear.

I tell you, son, later on we'll go out

and have a little game of catch, huh?

- I don't wanna play catch.

You know where I've just been?

Jeff Ellwood's house.

- You make it sound like a visit to Buckingham Palace.

- Sure. You know what Jeff's got?

A TV set.

- Well, so have we.

- Not in my own personal bedroom.

- You mean he has his own TV set?

- Sure.

It was an adenoid present.

Old Jeff just had his adenoids out,

and blooey, he got a TV set.

- Well, he was a lucky boy.

- Boy, I sure do wish I could have a TV set.

- Sorry, son.

Not a chance.

- Hey, Mom.

Don't you think I oughta have a TV set?

- No I don't. - But Mom!

- I'm sorry, Dennis.

I have to load some clothes in the washer.

- Hey, Dad.

Don't you think-- hey, where you going?

- I have to fix the vacuum.

- I'll help you.

Hey, Dad.

Did you ever think that if I had my own TV

set you could watch whatever program you wanted to?

Did you ever think of that?

Huh, Dad?

- Longingly, and often.

- Then why don't me and you go down to Detwiler's department

store and pick one out?

- No, Dennis.

Uh, go and unplug that for me, will you please?

- Hey, Dad.

We could probably find a second-hand TV somewhere.

- No, Dennis.

Uh, turn the light on for me, will you?

I want to see if the wall plug works.

Well, that works.

- What are you doing, Dad?

- Well, I'm trying to fix this switch.

I think it's something loose in there.

- Boy.

You sure know how to fix things, don't you, Dad?

- I know a little bit about it.

- You know how to fix things, and you know how to make things.

- A few things.

- Well, then, how about making me--

- Not a TV, Dennis.

Now go plug it in again for me, will you?

See what happens. - OK, Dad.

Here you are, Dad.

- Thanks, Dennis.

Now--

[crackle]

- Hey, Dad!

You turned off the lamp!

Boy, it sure is pretty tricky when

you can turn off a lamp with a vacuum cleaner.

- Pretty tricky.

- Turn the lamp on again.

- I can't.

- Henry, something's happened to the washing machine.

All of a sudden it stopped.

- Hey, Dad, you turned that off, too.

I think you turned off the whole house.

- I didn't turn off Anything I must have blown a fuse, honey.

- Like when Mr. Wilson gets mad?

- No, like in the fuse box.

- Well, there's a spare one in the kitchen in the top drawer.

- I know.

But first I'm gonna make a phone call.

- Who are you calling?

- The person I should have called in the first place.

Opie.

- I'm not going to say a word, because I

haven't an I-told-you-so bone in my whole body.

- No, but you sure drop a mean hint.

- Are you sure that's what adenoids are?

- Sure I'm sure.

- Well anyway, Jeff had his out, and he got a TV set.

- You mean a toy one?

- I mean a real one.

Right in his own personal bedroom.

- Boy.

And I always thought he was so dumb.

- Not Jeff. He's plenty smart.

I'm going in and talk good old Mom into getting me a TV set.

- I'm going home and do the same thing.

- Ooh-- ugh!

- What is it, dear?

- I got this great, big, kind of fierce pain in my adenoids.

- Right about here?

- Yeah.

- I see.

- Is my groaning bothering you, Mom?

- No, dear.

- Don't you think I better have my adenoids out?

- Oh, Dennis Mitchell, you're a phony-baloney.

For your information, adenoids are in the throat.

- They are?

- Yes.

- Why, that dumb Tommy.

He told me they were in the stomach.

Goodbye, Dad.

- Goodbye, son.

Where you going?

- I'm gonna move out and start earning my own living

so I can buy a TV set.

- You're gonna stay right here.

Now where do you suppose a boy your age would get a job?

- Well, I was thinking about getting one

as a night watchman in a TV store.

- That's out of the question, so you'd better forget all about.

[doorbell]

- But, but-- but Dad!

- That's enough, Dennis.

Hi, Opie.

Hi, Henry.

What do you say, Dennis?

- Hi, Opie.

- What do you got in that suitcase?

- A balogna sandwich.

I was gonna start earning my own living,

and I figured I might get hungry.

- Well, it could happen, all right.

What's the trouble with the vacuum, Henry?

- I think it's got a short.

It blew a fuse.

- Well, it ain't no use to fret.

Opie can fix it.

- Right in here, Opie.

Thanks a lot for coming over so promptly.

- Oh, it weren't no trouble at all, Henry.

I had to drop by Mr. Wilson's anyhow.

- What'd he but, Opie?

- He ain't busted nothing.

He TV set needed adjusting for flop-over,

then I fixed it up for a remote control unit.

- Hey, my friend Jeff Ellwood's downstairs TV's got

one of those.

Jeff told me so. - Sure.

Opie fixed it up for him, just like Mr. Wilson's.

- Boy.

I sure would like a TV set with a remote--

- Dennis.

I didn't know you could install a remote control in an old set.

- Opie can.

I fixed lots of 'em up, all over town.

- I'm going over and take a look at Mr. Wilson's.

Maybe he'll let me run it.

- Well, don't bother him if he's busy, Dennis.

- OK.

- Come in.

- Hi, Mr. Wilson. - Oh.

Oh, hello, Dennis.

- I came over to see your remote control.

Hey, where's your TV set?

- Oh, we moved it upstairs to the den.

- Let's ask Mrs. Wilson for permission

to go up and watch it for a while.

- Oh, Mrs. Wilson's visiting her sister for a few days.

And I don't have to ask for permission, Dennis.

- Why don't we go up, and you can show me

how your remote control works.

I'll help you count your money afterwards.

- I'm not counting my money, Dennis.

I'm working on my coin collection.

And why should I show you how my remote control works?

- Because my friend Jeff Ellwood's downstairs TV's

got one of those, and I need the practice.

But you don't have to if you don't want to, Mr. Wilson.

- Ha.

Well, I'm glad you see it that way!

- Sure.

I'll figure it out myself.

- Huh?

Oh, great Scott, here we go again.

Dennis, come back here!

Don't you touch anything without me!

- Hey, Mr. Wilson, how do you turn it on?

- Now, I told you not to touch it.

- I didn't touch it, Mr. Wilson.

I just looked at it.

How do you turn it on?

- Oh.

With this.

- Hey, Mr. Wilson, how come you're using that

instead of just turning the knob?

- Because with this you can sit on the sofa and tune the set

without getting up.

Or you can stretch out, make yourself really comfortable.

You can slip off your shoes.

You don't have to move for hours.

You can sip your favorite drink.

- I'll have a root beer.

- Dennis, I didn't mean you.

I meant me.

- Excuse me, Mr. Wilson.

Sit down.

- Now, you just push this button and the set goes on.

- OK.

- I'll push it.

[click]

[gunshots]

- Hey, it went on!

- Well of course it went on.

- And it doesn't flop anymore, either.

- No, it doesn't.

I'll say this for Opie.

He took an ordinary run-of-the-mill television set

and turned it into a modern technical wonder.

- Can you make it go louder.

- Well, of Course I can make it go louder.

You just-- I just push this button.

- Can you make it change stations?

- Of course I can make it change stations.

I just push this button.

Now watch.

- Boy, that's swell.

- It certainly is.

Why, with this control, I can do most anything.

- Can you turn off a lamp with it?

- Of course not, Dennis.

- My mom's vacuum cleaner can.

- For Pete's sake, here are your shoes.

Well you please go home, Dennis.

- Goodbye, Mr. Wilson.

- You don't expect a vacuum to pick up leaves, Henry.

- I didn't--

- It ain't natural to the mechanism.

- Well, maybe Dennis--

- If you gotta clean up leaves, Henry, use a rake.

Vacuums are for indoors.

- Opie, I--

- Oh, you probably burned out the motor.

But I can fix it.

I gotta take it down to the shop.

- Well, if anybody used it outdoors, it was Dennis.

- Eh, it'll be ready about 4:30.

You can pick the knobs up, too.

- OK, Opie.

But I want you to know that I didn't have it--

I want to talk to you, young man.

- I'll see you down at the shop, Henry.

Bye, Dennis.

I cant bear to see a piece of machinery abused.

- Dennis.

Did you use that vacuum cleaner outdoors?

- Sure, Dad.

Don't you remember?

You told me to clean up the leaves.

- Well, I'm very angry with you.

- Jeepers, Dad.

You weren't yesterday.

You looked out the window and said, Dennis,

that's a very good job.

Then you have me a quarter.

- Well, it's going to cost me $5 to get that vacuum cleaner

fixed.

- Do you want your quarter back?

- No, Dennis--

- Do you want to play a game with me?

- No.

You go out and play with Tommy.

- He can't come out.

When he told his mother he had a stomachache in his adenoids,

she put him to bed until the doctor could look at him.

So will you play a game with me?

- Well, all right.

What do you want to play?

- Let's play tea kettle.

- How do you play tea kettle?

- Well, I'll tell you something with the word tea kettle in it,

and you have to guess what tea kettle is.

- OK. Shoot.

- Now, if I had a tea kettle in my room,

I could learn all about--

- Dennis, you march right upstairs.

- Can I come down later and watch the cowboy movie on TV?

- Well, you can come down later.

But you're out of luck about the cowboy movie.

I'll be watching the golf tournament.

Now march.

ALICE (OFFSCREEN): Dennis.

- I'm in the guest room, Mom!

- What are you doing in here?

- I'm using Dad's binoculars to watch the Charlie Chan movie.

- What? - On Mr. Wilson's TV set.

- Dennis, you shouldn't be looking in at Mr. Wilson.

- I can't even see Mr. Wilson.

He must be lying on the bed, working the remote control.

- Well, never mind that, anyway.

Your father says you can come downstairs now.

- Is the golf tournament over?

- It hasn't even started yet.

He wants to know if you'd like to go with him to Opie's

to pick up the vacuum cleaner.

- OK.

I couldn't hear what the Charlie Chan

movie was all about, anyway.

All I could tell was that the Number One

Son kept falling through trapdoors.

- 9, 10.

There you are, Henry.

Now, if you keep it indoors, you ain't

gonna have a bit of trouble with it.

- Opie. I didn't-- OK.

Come on, Dennis.

- You know what I wish we could buy, Dad?

I wish we could buy--

- Dennis, you don't want to be punished again, do you?

- I'm not talking about a TV set.

Is that what you thought I was talking about?

- Well, I certainly did.

- Heck no.

What I'm talking about is a remote control for a TV set.

- Opie's selling lots of them, Henry.

- Uh, no thanks, Opie.

Come on, Dennis.

- How about if I buy it with my own money.

Could I do that?

- Well, all right.

- I've got 40 cents.

- I'm afraid that won't quite cut it, Dennis.

- How about if I rent one?

Could I do that?

- Well, I expect not, Dennis.

- Come on, Dennis.

We've got to get home.

- Yeah.

I just thought of something I gotta do.

- What did the doctor do?

- He took my temperature and felt my pulse,

but I guess I didn't have either one,

because he told my mom I was OK.

Gee, it sure was swell of Jeff to let

you use his downstairs remote control.

- He isn't letting me use it.

His folks aren't gonna be home, so he rented it to me

for a dime.

- Are you sure that's gonna work on Mr. Wilson's TV?

- Opie says they're exactly the same.

Look out the window in your dad's field glasses.

- I don't see anything.

- That's because Mr. Wilson doesn't have his TV set on.

- That's too bad.

- No, that's swell.

Because that means he's downstairs

and we won't be bothering him.

- What about Mrs. Wilson?

- She's visiting her sister.

Watch how I turn it on.

- Hey, it's on!

- Sure!

- But I can't hear anything.

- I'll turn it louder.

- I love having your head on my shoulder.

Your face is so soft.

- position.

They don't matter at all.

I love you so much.

- Great Scott.

- And I adore you. - Fremont.

Did you put your foot on the tuner?

- But what are we going to do about your mother?

She hates me.

- Oh, she'll love you when she gets to know you.

- Boy, isn't this swell?

- Yeah.

This is more fun than having your own TV set.

- Now.

Don't you touch it, Fremont.

I've got to get my nap, and I can't

do it with that TV set on.

- Hey.

It went off.

- Boy, I guess Opie didn't fix it as Mr. Wilson thought he did.

- Can you turn it on?

- I'll try.

- What about your father?

- Why don't you take the job in Daddy's factory?

MAN ON TV: I want to be a writer, darling.

WOMAN ON TV: Is it because you want to be a writer,

or is it your false pride?

Is that what's keeping us from marrying?

- Oh, Martha, you little minx.

Aha.

You got home early.

You're playing one of your little tricks on me.

Well, Fremont.

Where could she be hiding, huh?

I know.

In the closet.

Martha!

We know, don't we.

She's out in the hall. Mar--

Martha?

Martha, where are you?

- OK if I change channels? - Sure.

See if you can get a cowboy picture.

[gunshots]

- It can't be Martha.

It's that station that's doing it.

- I've already seen this picture.

- Me, too.

- I'll see what else is on.

- Yeah.

Turn it a little louder.

- Hello?

Is this the manager of the TV station?

Well, I want to talk to somebody.

Well-- yes.

I'll tell you what I mean.

Well, your transmitter's going crazy.

Yes.

Well, you were showing a-- a love story just a while ago,

and then you suddenly switched to a western.

What do you mean, nonsense? There.

You switched to something else again!

And turn down your volume!

- Let's turn it back to that first cowboy picture.

- Yeah.

I always did like that one.

- There!

You switched back to the cowboy picture again.

Well!

If I can't have a little ordinary courtesy,

I won't even watch your television station!

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hello!

I can't hear you, Mitchell!

- Of course you can't!

Turn your television set down!

We can hardly hear ourselves think over here!

- I've been trying to turn it down,

but my remote control unit's running wild!

Oh, I'll-- I'll turn the set off, Mitchell.

- Hey, it went off. - Yeah.

I'll turn it on again.

[music playing]

- What is going on here?

- Boy, something's sure gone wrong with this remote control.

- Yeah.

And Jeff charged you a whole dime.

- I'll give it a tap.

ALICE (OFFSCREEN): Dennis, come to dinner.

- OK, Mom.

Boy, I'm hungry.

- Me, too.

I better go home.

- Opie?

This is George Wilson.

What kind of a contraption did you sell me, anyway?

It's running wild.

Why, I had to unplug my TV set.

- Simmer down, George.

Simmer down.

You're liable to blow a gasket.

Now what's running wild?

- This remote control unit.

Why, it turns itself on, and switches to cowboy programs.

The volume's so loud they can hear it next door.

- Opie'll be there inside of 10 minutes.

Cowboys.

- Hello, Martha.

Where are you?

- I'm still at Elizabeth's, dear.

But I miss you so much, I had to find out how you are.

- Well, I'm fine.

But I'm afraid our TV set isn't.

I finally installed that remote control unit,

and it's running wild.

You know, for a moment, I thought

you might be hiding in the closet playing

your tricks on me.

- Oh, George.

I wouldn't do anything like that.

- I don't know about that.

You remember that time in Atlantic City?

- And on the 10th hole his drive went a good 250 yards.

[knocking]

- May I come in?

- Of course, Mr. Wilson.

You can have desert with us.

- It's chocolate pudding.

- Well, thank you, no.

I came over to apologize for that noise

from my TV set this afternoon.

- Oh, that's all right, Mr. Wilson.

- Sure.

Otherwise I couldn't have heard it.

- Opie came over and looked at my tuner,

and as soon as he turned it up it

seemed to be all right again.

Why, he wouldn't even admit something was wrong with it.

- Opie can be pretty stubborn.

- Well, you folks just go right ahead with your dinner.

I-- I'm just awfully sorry about that noise.

- That's all right. - Goodbye, Mr. Wilson.

That was awfully nice of him.

- I was having trouble with my tuner today, too.

- Your tuner? - Sure.

I rented one, like you said I could.

From Jeff Ellwood's house.

I've been running Mr. Wilson's TV set from the guest room.

- What? - I don't believe it.

- Shall I turn it on for you?

- No.

- You take that right back to Jeff.

- And never rent it or borrow it or bring it

in this house in any way ever again.

- Do you realize the trouble you've caused this afternoon?

- No. What?

- Well, the noise practically blasted us out of the house,

and it upset Mr. Wilson, and he had to call Opie.

- Jeepers.

I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

I just wanted a TV set to watch.

- Well, you'll certainly never get one that way.

- You stand a better chance of getting your own TV

set if you learn to be a good boy.

Obedient, helpful.

- OK.

That's what I'm gonna go from now on.

And you know how I'm gonna start out?

I'm gonna clean my plate, even if it is liver.

- He's asleep.

It was certainly nice of you to help me with my suitcase.

- I know it.

I've been helping everybody since yesterday.

And if I keep on helping them for six months

I'll get a TV set.

- You know, I'd play a little trick on him

if I knew how to turn on that new remote control unit.

- (WHISPERING) I'll show you, Mrs. Wilson.

You just press this button.

- Now.

We'll hide in the closet.

[shouting]

- Ooh!

Remote control is not for me!

- George, what are you doing?

- Martha!

- Hey, Mr. Wilson!

How come you jumped on your remote control right

after Mrs. Wilson turned it on for you?

- You-- great Scott.

[theme music]