Original subtitles

- Please, mom!

- Dennis, if I do, will you promise to stop pestering me?

- Sure!

- All right.

- Tell him one of them isn't even mine.

And tell him I looked all over, and that

must be the place they are. And tell him--

- Henry Mitchell, please.

Now, remember, you promised.

Henry, Alice.

- Hi honey, what's up?

- Henry, would you look and see if there

are a couple of frogs in your briefcase?

- What?

[music playing]

- Dennis!

Your duck's in my garden again.

- I'll get it Mr. Wilson.

I want that Duck kept out of here.

How many times must I tell you that?

- Jeepers, I guess he just likes it over here.

- I'll say he likes it.

According to that duck, my yard's a cafeteria.

Look at him.

He's eating all my seedlings.

- I'll get him, Mr. Wilson.

[quacking]

- Hey, why don't me and you train him to eat weeds?

Why don't we do that, huh?

- No, I don't like that duck/ And I don't want him around here.

- Does it still hurt you where he bit you this morning?

- Yes, it does.

- Why don't you try sitting on a pillow.

- After I talk to your father, young man,

you're the one that's going to need the pillow.

[music playing]

- You got to stop biting people, George.

Mr. Wilson was plenty mad.

[quacking]

- Shh!

Mom might here you.

And I got to sneak you upstairs again.

[music playing]

- Is that you, Dennis?

- Yes, Mom!

- Dennis, what have I told you about your roller skates?

- You told me not to skate in the street.

- Well, that too.

But I also told you not to leave them

in the middle of the back porch.

- Oh.

- Now, you go right out there and put them away.

- You mean the next time I go out that way.

- I mean right now.

- Aren't you coming with me?

- Well, no, I have the vacuuming to do.

- Do I hear something boiling over in the kitchen?

- Oh my goodness!

- I'm home!

Oh, hi, son.

How's my boy?

- Jeepers, you're home early.

I bet you want to tell Mom about your game.

She's in the kitchen.

- Dennis, there was nothing boiling-- oh, hi dear.

- Hi, honey. - How was your game?

- Miserable, I was so hot we could only play nine holes.

- You know what I found out?

It's a lot cooler in the basement.

Why don't you and Mom go down there and cool off for a while?

- No, thanks.

I'll go in and relax on the sofa.

- Dennis, what did I tell you about your skates?

- But Mom!

- Right now.

- OK.

- Are you gonna run that old vacuum

while Dad's trying to get some peace and quiet around here?

- That's all right, honey.

- No, Dennis is right.

I just wasn't thinking. Come on, Dennis.

- Thank you, honey.

- Gosh, poor old Mom.

I bet her back hurts from carrying all that heavy stuff.

Doing the wash, and ironing, and scrubbing

the floor, and all that stuff.

- Honey, let me carry that for you.

- Thank you, dear.

[music playing]

[quacking]

- Shh!

[music playing]

MR. WILSON

I've been waiting for you to get home!

- What on Earth?

- Come on in, Mr. Wilson!

[yelling]

- Oh my goodness!

- Are you all right, Mr. Wilson?

- I ought to sue you.

I really ought to sue you, Mitchell.

- Oh, now Mr. Wilson. - But I won't.

You know why?

Because I'm sorry for you.

You have to live with him.

- Oh, Mr. Wilson, we're so terribly sorry.

- What kind of a place is this to leave roller skates?

Why don't you have him put them away?

- I've told him, and told him to put them away.

- Come on in, Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, Martha gave that to me on our last wedding anniversary.

It was the coolest pipe I ever owned.

- I'm sorry about that, Mr. Wilson.

I'd like to pay for a new one.

- Oh, sure, that's easy to say.

Then I'd have to break it in.

- I don't know what else I can do.

- Well, you can do one thing.

You can keep that duck out of my yard.

- Duck?

- What duck?

- Dennis' duck.

- I think you'd better sit down, Mr. Wilson.

- Oh, thank you.

Well, what are you going to do about the duck.

- Frankly, Mr. Wilson, we don't know what you're talking about.

- I'm talking about Dennis' duck, the one he's

been carrying around the neighborhood for the last three

or four days.

- I think you must be mistaken, Mr. Wilson.

- Well, I certainly haven't seen it.

- You haven't seen it?

He carries it around in a carton.

I've seen him carry the carton into this house.

- I assure you, Mr. Wilson, if Dennis has been keeping a duck,

we'd know about it.

- You've had a bad fall, Mr. Wilson.

And perhaps--

- I am not suffering from concussion.

Why, that duck even bit me.

I was working on my tuberous begonias

and he bit me on my back pocket.

- I'm sorry he bit you, Mr. Wilson, but--

- And then when I tried to drive him off with my rake,

he snarled at me.

- Ducks don't snarl, Mr. Wilson.

They quack.

- This one snarls.

And he's been trying to get at my goldfish.

Why, he even attacked, Fremont.

That poor dog hid under the porch

until Dennis came and got the duck.

- Be reasonable, Mr. Wilson.

If this duck is as vicious as you say,

how could a little boy like Dennis handle him?

- I don't know.

There's something weird about it.

I think Dennis and that duck can communicate.

- Boy, there's sure a lot of noise.

Whoops, I'm going to go pick up my room.

- Dennis, come back here.

- Mom asked me to do it, Dad.

And I just haven't gotten around to it.

- You also haven't gotten around to picking up

your roller skates.

And Mr. Wilson fell over them.

- Gee, I'm sorry you fell over my skates, Mr. Wilson.

- Dennis, do you know anything about a duck?

- You mean do they lay eggs?

- I mean do you have one?

- A duck? - Yeah.

- What color?

- Any color.

- It's white.

- What color feet?

- Yellow.

- Dennis, stop it.

If you have a duck, I want you to say so.

- OK, I guess I have one. - Aha!

You see?

- Where in the world did you get a duck?

- From Charlie Spencer.

He moved to New York and he had this swell

duck left over from last Easter.

So he gave it to me.

- Dennis, you should have asked permission to keep it.

- I started to.

Don't you remember?

You were in the living room reading the paper.

And I said, Dad, do you like ducks?

And you said, they're delicious.

- Is that why you kept it a secret?

- Sure, I didn't want Dad to eat him.

- Son, you know we wouldn't eat a pet duck.

- Huh, I would.

- Jeepers!

I want you to like him, Mr. Wilson.

You know what I named him?

George, after you.

- I don't want it named after me.

- You're my best friend, Mr. Wilson.

- I don't want to be your best friend.

- Don't you like me, Mr. Wilson?

- Oh, sure, Dennis.

You're a nice kid.

I mean, you're not malicious, I don't think.

It's just that you're such a jinx.

Every time you show up there's chaos.

And I'm not a young man, Dennis.

And I can't stand it.

- I've been saving a feather for you.

- What?

- It's to put in your hat.

- Well, now, well, thank you, Dennis.

You're a nice little boy.

But you just keep that duck out of my yard.

- We'll see that he does, Mr. Wilson.

- You know, I don't know why it is.

But I always come out of these things with the feeling

that I've lost.

- Did you pick up the other skate?

[yelling]

[music playing]

- Well, there we are, Dennis.

I'm sure George will be a lot happier here

than he was up in your closet.

- He sure is, boy!

Good old George thinks this is swell, don't you George?

[quacking]

- Dennis, there's just one thing I

want you to be sure you understand.

That duck must not leave our property.

So be very careful and keep this gate closed.

- OK, Dad, I'll be real careful with him.

- Especially be careful that he doesn't bother Mr. Wilson.

You know how upset he got.

- Yeah, he sure fell down, didn't he?

- I don't mean that.

I meant about the duck.

By the way, what have you been doing about food for George?

- I've been giving him snails.

- What?

- Old Charlie Spencer says that's their favorite recipe.

So I tried them out and George just loves them.

I got a whole box of them over by the fence.

- You better go get some.

- I think it's about George's lunch time.

- OK.

[music playing]

- Jeepers, Dad!

The box was tipped over and all of them ran away!

Every one of them!

- I guess you'll just have to go out and collect some more.

- You want to help me?

- Sorry, son, I still have my newspaper to read.

- OK.

Thanks for building the fence.

- That's all right.

- You hungry, George?

[quacking]

- OK, I'll get you some food just as fast as I can.

- Martha, there's the most astonishing thing

in our backyard.

I went out to feed the goldfish.

And I found a great, huge milling mass of snails.

- What's so astonishing about that?

You've been finding them in the yard for years.

- Oh, Martha, I love you for your womanly qualities.

But you haven't a scientific mind.

When do I find them?

- Why, in the evening, when they come out and eat your plants.

- Precisely, my dear.

And in our backyard, I have discovered a new species

that comes out in the hot sun.

And furthermore, they travel in herds.

- Oh, George, really.

- I intend to write a scientific paper

to read before the garden club.

- Well, how can you write a scientific paper

when you haven't the evidence?

- But Martha, my dear, I have the evidence.

In our backyard, there are hundreds of snails.

And they are traveling in a herd.

- Nonsense.

- At this very moment, they're over by the fence grazing.

I've got to hurry.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to collect my light meter, tripod, portrait camera,

film, and filters, go out in the yard, and record the evidence.

[quacking]

- Martha, I want to be sure these pictures turn out.

So I'm using a very expensive film.

It's a ultra fine grain super panchromatic quadruple

x high speed.

- High speed for snails?

- Oh, it's technical, Martha, you wouldn't understand.

Why, this film is so sensitive you can practically

take pictures in the dark.

To load my camera, I have to go in the closet.

I tell you, the slightest ray of light could ruin it.

[door bell]

- Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

Is Mr. Wilson home?

- Yes, Dennis, come in.

- He's in the closet.

- He is?

Hey, Mr. Wilson, olly, olly oxen free!

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Oh no. - He isn't hiding, Dennis.

- Are you looking for your overcoat, Mr. Wilson?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): No.

- Your bowling ball?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): No, I'm not looking for anything.

- Are you sulking?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Great Scott.

I'm loading my camera in the dark.

- Oh.

Is this better?

[yelling]

- He did it again.

- It happened so fast I couldn't stop it.

- What's this, Mr. Wilson?

- That was a $3.80 roll of film.

- You got cheated.

None of your pictures came out.

- Dennis, what do you want?

- Mr. Wilson, is it OK if I go out in your yard and hunt for--

- Absolutely not!

You're not even going to set foot in my yard.

- OK, I guess you're afraid I'll step

in the flower beds, huh, Mr. Wilson?

- No, that isn't it.

- Oh, then maybe because it's so hot,

you're afraid I might go swimming

in your fish pond again?

- Just get rid of him and then go bring me my nerve medicine.

Super panchromatic, quadruple x, $3.80 worth.

Martha, will you hurry?

Come on!

I want to take them when the light's good.

- I don't see why you really need me.

- Because I want to get the focus perfect.

You can hold one end of the tape measure.

I-- Martha, the duck!

He's eating the snails!

[quacking] - Shoo!

Go on!

Get out of here!

[quacking]

- And so the duck has just got to go.

- Now, Mr. Wilson.

- Now, let me just run over what that duck has done.

He dug holes in my lawn.

He bit me.

He ate most of my goldfish.

He's made a nervous wreck out of my dog.

And he robbed me the presidency of the garden club.

- What?

- I was going to write a paper on a scientific curiosity which

would have given me great standing as a gardener

and naturalist.

Before I could do it, that blasted duck ate the evidence.

- I'm sorry about that, Mr. Wilson.

Honey, I guess we'll just have to get rid of it.

- Couldn't we give the duck just one more chance?

I'm sure Dennis will keep it locked up.

- Now, Mrs. Mitchell, maybe I didn't

make quite clear the extent of the damage.

Now, those goldfish were very valuable.

I bred them myself and raised them from the eggs.

Now, there were only couple left.

And I don't want to lose those.

- All right, Mr. Wilson, I guess we'll have to get rid of it.

[music playing]

- All I ask is that Dennis understand why it's necessary.

- Tell him the duck is vicious.

- I can't do that.

I'll just explain that the duck will be happier

at the lake and the park.

There will be other ducks around.

- Of course it'll be happier.

And so will I.

- The park is only three blocks away.

Dennis could go to see it.

- Hi!

- Hello, son.

We want to talk to you.

Go ahead.

- You go ahead.

- You tell him, Mr. Wilson.

- He's your son.

- All right.

- Excuse me.

- Boy, there goes the best mom in the whole world, huh Dad?

- That's right, son.

But I--

- And you know why she's the best mom in the whole world?

Because she's a mom. - All right, son--

- Moms, do you think they're swell, too?

- Moms.

- I want to talk to you about the duck.

- Oh, you mean George?

I think he's going to be a mother.

He's out there with a whole nest full of eggs.

- What? - Great Scott!

[music playing]

- See, there they are.

- I don't know.

They look awfully small for duck eggs.

- Mr. WIlson, look how many he-- I mean she-- laid.

Under the circumstances, I don't see

how we can move her to the park.

- If that fuck is going to hatch these eggs,

he's going to get frost bitten. Why, they're ice cold.

- They are?

I wonder how George happened to lay ice cold eggs.

- You got these eggs out of the refrigerator,

didn't you Dennis?

- OK, yes.

- All right, take them back right away.

- I'll get the carton.

It's on the porch.

But if you did George away, you can just give me away, too.

- Look, Mitchell, now that Dennis is gone,

why don't we grab the duck and jump in my car?

Why, we can have him at the lake in three minutes.

- I can't do it, Mr. Wilson.

- Of course you can.

Put on gloves.

And if he bites it won't hurt. - That's not what I mean.

I can't do it to Dennis.

He's at least got to have a chance to say goodbye.

- Well, then will you do it when Dennis gets back?

- Maybe we ought to give him a few days

to get used to the idea.

Up until now I hadn't realized how important

that duck was to him.

- I warn you, Mitchell, if you go get rid

of that confounded duck, I will!

[music playing]

[music playing]

- That man.

- Well, Martha, the traps all set.

- George that trap is ridiculous.

And you know it.

- It is not.

It's diabolically clever.

I baited it with some of those seedlings that duck relishes.

- How are you going to pull the string from in here?

- Ah, that's the cleverest part.

You see, I hung a cluster of those seedlings from a string.

Now, when the ducks pulls on that, that trips the stick.

Down comes the box.

And I hear the bell.

- What are you going to do with him if you catch him?

- Well, when I catch him, I'll take him to the lake.

[bell ringing]

- Oh, when will you learn to

I've already captured him.

Say, how would you like to take a little drive over

to the lake with me?

- No, thank you.

I don't approve of this at all.

[music playing]

[growling]

- Who said ducks don't snarl?

[growling]

- Fremont, what are you doing in there?

[bark]

[music playing]

- For heaven's sakes, George, You're a mess.

- I've been up in the attic, Martha.

- In your good slacks?

- This was an emergency.

I went up there to find this.

- What is it?

- This is my old duck call.

Hunters use them to lure ducks.

In my day, I was known as the best duck caller in the state.

An old Indian guide taught me.

- What are you going to do with it?

- I am going to lure Dennis' duck out of his yard,

and over to the lake in the park.

It's a cinch.

If Mitchell won't settle this thing,

I'm going to solve this once and for all.

- That's a silly way to do it.

- You'll see, my dear.

Ducks always found my technique irresistible.

[quacking]

- If you're going to make that silly noise,

go outside with it.

- And have Dennis see me?

Oh no.

I'm going to wait until the duck comes into our guard.

And then I'll go out and lure him down the sidewalk

and into the lake.

[quacking]

- This is the most ridiculous thing you've done yet.

[quacking]

- Dennis, that duck of yours is making an awful lot of noise.

- That's not George.

That's some other duck.

My duck got all excited and tried to get out of the garage.

So I locked the garage door.

[quacking]

- Will you stop it now?

The duck isn't coming.

- It'll come.

You'll see!

I'll just blow a little louder.

[quacking]

- George, don't just stand there!

Catch them and take them outside!

[quacking] - Whoa!

- Martha!

Come here!

Look!

- Hey, Mr. Wilson!

Isn't this swell?

[music playing]